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Interview With Four Vampires

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Will

What's the worst thing someone could do?

Break their word.

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

Take Dru away. Which he sometimes threatens on a nightly basis but I know he won’t really.

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

Dru dying.

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

That they’re worthless.

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

That they are part of the fam— group.

Are men and women basically different?

Yeh. Have you ever looked between a woman’s legs, mate?

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

A man.

What can men do that women can't do?

Fight, have dicks, go out on our own without having to be careful.

What can women do that men can't do?

I dunno, but they always seem to do it in the bath together.

Is it possible to change genders?

Probably, but why would anyone want to?

How old is old enough to have sex?

About a fortnight, according to Angelus.

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

Yeh, that’s why vampires do it.

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

Yeh, and if anyone else touches Dru they’ll be dying slowly. The old man taught me this nice trick with an asparagus cutter just the other day.

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

Yeh… that’s why vampires do it.

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

Yes.

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

Yes, that’s why, etc. You’re a bit slow on the uptake, aren’t you?

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

No.

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

Unconditional love and support.

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

Teach him what’s what, not hit him too hard when he gets it wrong.

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

Obedience, respect and not nicking the brandy, according to himself.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

Your child. Parent’s should look out for their nippers first.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

Dru.

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

Um, the child, I suppose. Haven’t got one yet so it’s all theoretical.

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

Eh? Yes, in human society, doesn’t count for vamps. You are supposed to get your own sire’s permission, I think.

Is abortion wrong?

Yes, so Darla assures me, if you don’t clean up the mess afterwards.

Is contraception wrong?

What?

Is there one true religion?

No.

Does a deity or deities exist?

Three hundred and thirty seven known ones according to the latest stupid tome I’m supposed to be swotting.

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

He stopped believing in me so I’m returning the compliment.

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

Well I know some of the rituals now and the old man keeps threatening to make me learn the rest but so far he’s been forgetting and I’m not reminding him.

Does magic exist?

Are you stupid?

Is practising magic wrong?

No, it’s not practising enough and turning your sire’s waistcoat into a billy-goat that is apparently wrong.

Is killing always wrong?

Hah!

Is war always wrong?

Er… never thought about it. Some wars are good from our point of view but most of them are just irrelevant really. I’d like to see one some day though.

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

They take them at about fourteen, don’t they?

Is rape always wrong?

Yep, and fun too.

Is torture always wrong?

Sometimes it’s needful so, no, actually, but you can make it wrong if you work hard enough.

Is theft always wrong?

Depends if he notices.

Is slavery wrong?

I suppose so. Never met any slaves. Some demon clans still have them apparently but I don’t know any personally.

Is lying wrong?

Lying is an art form. Except when he’s thumping me for not telling the truth.

Is swearing wrong?

I bloody well hope so.


Dru

What's the worst thing someone could do?

Tell a lie.

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

(Looks sad.) He broke my dollies. (Laughs)

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

Next Friday, silly.

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

You can’t keep him.

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

He was a good choice, Precious.

Are men and women basically different?

No.

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

A pixie covered in stardust.

What can men do that women can't do?

Daddy can make pretty patterns on Grandmum’s carpets.

What can women do that men can't do?

Grandmum can make pretty patterns on Daddy.

Is it possible to change genders?

If you take the little bits of pink paper and wrap them in the blue bottles and then you take the blue paper and light it with a pink match and then you eat all the children.

How old is old enough to have sex?

(Looks puzzled.) We don’t grow old.

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

Yes, oh yes, it’s terribly wicked. (Clutches her hands to her breast.)

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

William is going to marry me some day and we shall have a pony carriage to take us home, and then Daddy will kiss us both goodnight.

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

Do you mean when Angelus buggers Will?

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

I’ve asked the pixies but they always say no, and then they make tingles in my insides anyway.

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

Are you worried that you’re bad? I’m bad, very bad and wicked.

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

(Puts head in hands, weeps.) I do love him, I do. I promise I do.

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

(Hissing.) I’m not allowed to be a mummy.

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

To hurt them.

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

To pretend.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

He should be, he should, but hush, mustn’t let him know. So we’ll be very quiet and pretend.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

Daddy.

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

Daddy.

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

He said I could make a playmate. Darla heard him and she hasn’t forgotten so I’m not making it up.

Is abortion wrong?

(Smiles.) Little knife, wriggling up my insides. (Rubs her hand over her belly.) Squiggling and hot. More, more, more!

Is contraception wrong?

(Tilts head on side.) I don’t know that dance.

Is there one true religion?

(Lip trembles, nods slowly, looks away.)

Does a deity or deities exist?

(Whispering.) No, no, he doesn’t exist. No.

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

I believe. I believe in one God.

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

Practice makes perfect.

Does magic exist?

Yes, silly.

Is practising magic wrong?

I don’t know.

Is killing always wrong?

Yes, always. You must make them scream.

Is war always wrong?

They crash and they smash and they bleed.

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

You can go tomorrow if you want.

Is rape always wrong?

It’s hard, but Darla showed me how and sometimes we do it when the boys are out. You have to use a silly thing but they scream just the same. I’m not quite as good as Daddy, but Darla once made someone ([omitted])

Is torture always wrong?

No, we like to torture sometimes, for a Sunday treat. Not every day because then it becomes dull, but sometimes I’m allowed to do the eyes, and Will gets the fingers. But Daddy always has the tongue because he’s the Scourge of Europe, you know.

Is theft always wrong?

What did you steal, dearie?

Is slavery wrong?

Yes, because it’s wrong.

Is lying wrong?

No.

Is swearing wrong?

You must swear by your God and cross your heart and… hope…not… to die.


Darla

What's the worst thing someone could do?

You’d better ask Angelus.

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

Try to contain me.

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

Mmm, want to try?

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

Oh, sticks and stones, darling.

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

The best things don’t require words.

Are men and women basically different?

(laughs) Of course.

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

A woman.

What can men do that women can't do?

Think they rule the world.

What can women do that men can't do?

That would be telling.

Is it possible to change genders?

I believe so, but no man would dare and no woman would want to.

How old is old enough to have sex?

(snaps) Nine.

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

(languorously) Yes, of course.

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

Hmm. (seems to drift off in her imagination)

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

What? No, of course not.

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

Depends how slimy they are.

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

Darling, if you want to try you just have to say.

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

It makes for variety.

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

To guide without reining in.

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

To leave her alone.

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

To surprise her.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

Yourself.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

(smiles and shakes her head)

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

Is there a difference? (Stretches comfortably)

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

(Something flickers behind her eyes, she reaches for a glass of red liquid and sips, waiting politely for the next question.)

Is abortion wrong?

Oh, they worry about it, but one less pup in the world is hardly here nor there.

Is contraception wrong?

You ask your wife that – I’m sure she’ll surprise you.

Is there one true religion?

So they tell us.

Does a deity or deities exist?

I shouldn’t think so. He would be so very disappointed if he did.

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

It keeps them happy and their heads bowed.

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

It pays to know the forms.

Does magic exist?

No, my dear. Don’t be silly.

Is practising magic wrong?

Do you mean table rapping and such like? (Giggles) Well, I’ve always been too frightened to try, but I’m sure if you were there I wouldn’t be afraid of the dark. Would you hold my hand?

Is killing always wrong?

(Slowly runs her finger around the top of her bodice. Is she even wearing stays?)

Is war always wrong?

Mmm, war.

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

Any boy becomes a man if you give him a… musket.

Is rape always wrong?

(God, she isn’t wearing stays – that’s her natural figure!) Sorry, you were saying?

Is torture always wrong?

(What’s she doing? Is that a… Oh my God! It is!) Well, if you’re offering…

Is theft always wrong?

Don’t worry, he won’t be back for hours.

Is slavery wrong?

The chains are in that foot-stool.

Is lying wrong?

Sshh, it’s not lying if you don’t tell anyone.

Is swearing wrong?

(Jesus!)


Angelus

What's the worst thing someone could do?

(Long , slow smile.)

What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

(Expressionless silence.)

What's the worst thing that could happen to you?

(A thoughtful look, then more silence.)

What's the worst thing someone could say about a person?

Do you love your wife?

What's the best thing someone could say about a person?

I’ll make it quick for you.

Are men and women basically different?

(Surprised look, quickly vanishing) Yes.

Which is better, to be a woman or to be a man?

A man.

What can men do that women can't do?

Live.

What can women do that men can't do?

(A flash of annoyance behind the eyes, quickly suppressed, but snapping now.) Nothing.

Is it possible to change genders?

Yes. There is an ancient Sumarian conjuration requiring three goats and a bottle of Fleas’ blood.

How old is old enough to have sex?

Younger than two they don’t realise why it’s wrong, so there are better ways to just hurt them. Unless the parents are still watching, of course.

Is it wrong to have sex if you're unmarried?

Yes.

Is it wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse if you're married?

Yes.

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of the same gender?

Yes.

Is it wrong to have sex with a person of a different race (or a different intelligent non-human species)?

Define intelligent.

Is it wrong to have more than one sexual partner at the same time?

(Examines nails)

Is it wrong to have sex with someone you don't love?

(yawns)

What are the responsibilities of a mother toward a child?

To scream when its brains are dashed out.

What are the responsibilities of a father toward a child?

Oh, I don’t know, to keep him in line and teach him properly.

What are the responsibilities of a child toward a parent?

To do as he’s told.

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your child?

Are there many more of these?

Which should be more important to you, your parent or your spouse?

(Gets up and walks across the room.)

Which should be more important to you, your child or your spouse?

(Starts playing with a knife.)

Is it wrong to have a child if you're unmarried?

(Draws the knife slowly across the ball of his thumb, smiling.)

Is abortion wrong?

(Winks)

Is contraception wrong?

(Looks puzzled, nods, probably without realising it.)

Is there one true religion?

Ah, sure there is.

Does a deity or deities exist?

He does, but he’s not as clever as he pretends he is.

How important is it to believe in a deity or deities?

Oh, I like them to believe.

How important is it to actively practice your religion?

Black, white and red go well together, don’t you think now?

Does magic exist?

It does.

Is practising magic wrong?

No.

Is killing always wrong?

(Smiles, eyes glimmering gold.)

Is war always wrong?

Yes, and fun.

How old is old enough to fight in a war?

(Looks into the distance.) There was a drummer boy, once, barely old enough to come up to my waist, he’d had both his legs shot away, the blood pooling under him like liquorice, and he was crying because he’d lost his drumsticks and he was afraid the sergeant would shout at him. (Shakes head. Softly:) There’s nothing we can do that… (Stops abruptly, sneers, turns his back.)

Is rape always wrong?

Yes. You were telling me about your wife just now?

Is torture always wrong?

(Smiles.) Oh yes, yes, always wrong. Very shocking and wicked.

Is theft always wrong?

Theft is a brute pastime for those with no imagination.

Is slavery wrong?

I’ve seen them abolish it, one by one, and aren’t they smug with themselves when they do. And they step over the dying in their own gutters on the way to their little meetings and congratulate themselves for being civilized.

Is lying wrong?

(Eyes cold now, assessing.) I told you I’d answer all your questions, didn’t I?

Is swearing wrong?

Say ‘God’ for me. And ‘Christ’. Louder if you like. Now…