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Amends

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Four months.

It had been four months since the Fool and I had had our quarrel, and I had yet to find the right opportunity to talk to him.

I knew he was still angry with me, for he was still addressing me as Tom Badgerlock. In fact, I had not seen his Lord Golden persona slip once, not even when we would cross paths in the corridors of Buckkeep with no one else in sight. And even those incidental meetings were becoming more and more scarce, for since I had been assigned to the King’s guard, I had no more excuse to be near him or to wander in the nobles’ quarters.

I missed my friend terribly and I could not help but wonder if he felt the same way. I selfishly hoped that the disregard I saw in his eyes whenever his gaze met that of his former servant’s was just a facade, and that he too, suffered from the same feeling of agonizing loss that ate at my insides. 

In truth, the solution for was but simple: apologize. I should just apologize to him. The problem was that everytime I tried to picture the scene, my mind just froze. I just could not seem to find the right words. How could he possibly forgive me after what had transpired between us? What could I possibly say to account for my despicable behaviour? I had, admittedly, been under the influence of elfbark…

No. That’s not all there had been of course. I knew the main cause for my outburst had been my fear of spreading rumours, a fear that had been ignited by Starling’s bitter comments. I feared that if anyone thought that my relationship with Lord Golden was improper, it would damage my reputation, and that of Hap’s. Why had I cared so much about that? As a bastard, and Witted at that, I had grown accustomed to people looking at me with disgust. So why had I put my relationship with my best friend in jeopardy for the sake of a reputation that was already tarnished?

How I longed to tell him that I wished I had kept my mouth shut. That I should have been glad to know that a creature such as the Fool could love me unconditionally, even if I could not love him back. Or rather, love him the way he wanted me to...

I would find the words, and I would win him back.