Derek, you’re in the hospital. You’ve lost your short term memory. You have been asking the same questions every ten minutes, so this paper should help clear things up.
Where am I?: You’re currently at Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital. Yes, this is the hospital that you like being taken to.
What day is today?: You’ve been asleep for six months, it’s currently April 13th. Nah, just kidding lol. Today is November 4th, and you’ve been here for one day.
How long have I been here?: You got here yesterday at around 2 in the afternoon. You were in a car accident, and you hit your head pretty bad. Your short term memory has been suffering as a result of your head injury. You keep telling me I have nice eyes. It’s like 50 first dates, except we’ve been married for 12 years and neither one of us are Adam Sandler (thank god).
AM I GOING TO BE OKAY?: Short answer, YES. Long answer, you might have some problems with memory for a while and you’re probably going to get a lot of headaches from now on, but your short term memory should be fine in a few days.
Are the kids okay?: Lauren is demanding that you let her sleep in our bed forever, and Alex is trying to eat all the junk food you’ve hidden in the back of the freezer. We’re going to talk about that, too, don’t think you’re off the hook just because you’re in the hospital. But yes, the kids are okay, we all miss you and are very worried, and we’ll be there soon to check on you.
Oh my god, did you call my mom?: I did. Your entire family has called me to make sure you’re okay, and Laura is flying up from San Diego tonight to watch Lauren and Alex so that I can be with you. We owe her a baby elephant, because she’s kind of saving me from having to do something drastic, like ask your weird uncle Peter to watch the kids. Your Mom and Dad are going to come visit you tomorrow, and your younger sister Cora calls me every three hours to yell because I can’t magically heal you. You called her an asshole last night. You’re lucky I love you.
I have to pee: You have a catheter, pee away.
I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS: That is the pain killers. Your legs are fine and you’re not paralyzed. Your legs keep falling asleep because you’re a weirdo who sleeps in odd positions.
Did we get the house?: We got the house. We get the keys at the end of the month, and we’ve started packing. Yes, we for sure got the house, don’t worry.
Who is this one lady?: That is Scott’s mom, Melissa, and she’s your nurse. Please stop scaring her, she’s just doing her job.
Have you seen these ceiling tiles? These are some cool tiles: Baby, I love you, but your odd fascination with the ceiling tiles is something I’ll never understand. You’ve mentioned them every ten minutes since yesterday.