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Jack Harkness, the Infinitely Prolonged

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A slight shimmer in the air was the only warning they got before the alien materialized in the Hub.

Jack raised his hands automatically as his team pulled their weapons on the tall gray-green figure who'd unfortunately landed right beside him. "Hey, watch where you're pointing those things!"

He studied the alien, who was watching them all with disdain. He didn't look to be armed. The only thing he was carrying was a clipboard.

"So, welcome to Earth. To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?" Jack cautiously lowered his hands and gave his most charming smile.

"Harkness, Captain Jack?" the alien inquired. "At least at the moment?"

"Well...yeah." Jack's smile disappeared. "You're looking for me specifically?"

"Yes. You're a manwhore, Harkness."

"Hey!" Jack protested, over Owen's splutter of laughter. Then he paused. "Okay, yeah. What's your point?"

"That's the point. You're a time-travelling, intergalactic himbo, and I just want you to know that I despise you thoroughly."

"You came all this way to say that?" Jack stared at the alien in disbelief. "Don't you want to take over the world or something while you're here?"

The alien shrugged, which was quite an accomplishment as he didn't have any shoulders. "What would I do with it if I did?" He looked down and ticked off a little box on his clipboard.

"I've often wondered the same thing," Ianto murmured under his breath. He cleared his throat as Jack glanced at him. "So, um, sir--"

"Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged," the alien corrected him haughtily.

"Yes, sir. So, Mr. Prolonged, you're just going about randomly insulting people?"

"It's not random at all," Wowbagger replied, indicating the clipboard pointedly. "I became immortal strictly by accident and realized fairly soon that I'd need something to occupy the endless time at my disposal. So I decided to insult everyone in the universe."

"Everyone?" Tosh asked, her forehead wrinkling as she tried to work out the mechanics of that goal.

"Absolutely everyone. In alphabetical order."

"Hang on," Owen broke in. "You can't possibly do that. With all the people being born and dying--"

Wowbagger flipped a few pages on his clipboard. "Harper, Owen?"

"Yes..."

Wowbagger looked up at him. "Tempting," he muttered. "Very tempting..." He flipped the pages back over. "No, I'm sorry. I'd absolutely love to insult you at the moment and save time later, but I've got a streak going and I'm not going to ruin it."

He stepped back, to the spot he'd materialized on. "Not looking forward to seeing you soon at all," he remarked, and disappeared.

The team stared at the place he'd been, slowly holstering their weapons.

Ianto stepped closer to Jack. "Sir, perhaps we need to upgrade the Hub's teleportation alarms." He regarded Jack, who was looking off thoughtfully into the distance. "Sir?"

"I've just had an epiphany, Ianto," Jack declared.

"What, again, sir?"

"That alien, he had the right idea. You need a quest, a goal, to keep you entertained when you're going to live forever. Something to work towards. I don't think I'm going to bother with the alphabetical order, though."

"You want to insult everyone in the universe, sir?"

Jack grinned at Ianto as he moved closer, sliding his arms around Ianto's waist. "Well...insulting wasn't exactly what I had in mind."