Work Header

Grocery Day

Chapter Text

Karkat woke up angry. This was not anything new to him, nor for the eleven other trolls that he begrudgingly shared residence with, but for a rare occasion in his self described miserable life, he had a reason to wake up angry: in the kitchen conveniently located directly below his respiteblock, ten other trolls were arguing.

His eyes twitched as he removed himself from bed, threw on whatever gray jeans and cancer tees he could find that didn't smell funny, and stormed down the staircase, accenting each footstep with a staccato stomp.

"What," he began as he rounded the corner from the staircase into the kitchen, "in the taintchafing fuck are you all arguing about now‽"

Everyone froze and looked at Karkat. All the other trolls (all of them) had gathered in the kitchen, and chaos had ensued. Eridan was hanging by his cape from the ceiling fan. Equius was holding Vriska upside down by her ankles (Karkat drew mild satisfaction from the shade of blue her face was turning). Feferi was half crammed in the thermal hull with an empty pickle jar in her mouth. She did not look awake. Kanaya was keeping Terezi and Sollux from going at each other's throats. Nepeta was gnawing at Gamzee's leg. Tavros's four wheel device had been upended and he was now trying to make sure nobody stepped on him. And, among all this, Aradia sat calmly at the counter, an empty bowl in front of her.

"Now," Karkat drew the word out slightly, "can anyone tell me, in a calm and rational manner, what the hell is going on here?"

Vriska wheezed "look at the pot calling the kettles black." Equius dropped her on her head. She mumbled in his direction, but neither did anything more.

Sollux calmly raised his hand. "Yes, Sollux," Karkat hissed. "Please, elaborate on the scene before me."

Quietly, "Aradia ate what wath left of the Captain Crunch."

Karkat's eye twitched more violently this time. Terezi helpfully added, with dismay, "it had the red crunchberries..."

"Do we have," Karkat drew in a breath, "anything to eat in this hive?"

Sollux looked at the thermal hull. "No."

"Nothing at all."

Sollux though. "I think that jar of pickleth wath the latht of it."

Nepeta removed herself from Gamzee's leg and sat up. "That means we get to go shopping!" She scrambled away, towards the garage, chanting "Walmart! Walmart!"

Karkat shuddered. "She's right. We need food, so, alright...Sollux, Eridan, Tavros, Equius, and, oh, Vriska. Come on. We're going."

Nobody moved except Feferi, who fell out of the thermal hull. She probably wasn't breathing enough, but she'd been though worse as the trolls' resident punching bag. Sometimes karma just hated you.

"Jegus, don't all get ready at once," Karkat turned and left the kitchen. "And don't forget to get Eridan down from that fan when you come out."


One by one, the selected trolls had shambled into the run down ex-school bus Nepeta had bought off Craigslist for dirt cheap, Karkat in the dirver's seat because he was the only one with a driver's license.


Karkat had been sitting at the DMV's lobby, waiting for his number to be called, for two hours. They were on fifteen. He was thirty-seven.

"Number sixteen," a decrepit old hag who might have been literally decomposing lightly called. An obese man next to Karkat looked at his slip of paper. "Hey, that's m-" he began before Karkat clubbed him over the head with a stack of Time magazines from at least 1997. He claimed the fat man's number and held it above his head. "ME."


"Everyone here?" Karkat asked over the low din. It was sort of a redundant question, really, because Nepeta was curled up in the floor next to him, Eridan was muttering to himself in the seat behind the driver's, Sollux was telling Vriska to leave Tavros alone, and Equius was closing the rear hatch they used to hoist Tavros in though. Karkat's question went largely unanswered.

Sighing, he clicked the garage door opener, threw the bus in reverse, and recklessly barreled into the suburban streets. He hit the mailbox of the house across the street; the family's obnoxious yapbeast could be heard announcing this wanton destruction to everyone in the house. Not wanting a direct confrontation with the homeowners, Karkat shoved the unwilling stick shift in drive and sped down the road towards the outskirts of the suburb.


Nepeta's face reappeared in Karkat's field of vision; namely, the center of it. "Are we there yet?"

"AUGH" Karkat swerved, snapped a mile marker on the side of the highway, and righted the vehicle. A rusty Toyota pickup swung away and plowed into the ditch. A Volkswagen Beetle stopped in the middle of the lane, thus, the shiny new Prius behind it rear ended it. Karkat looked at the drivers' squabble though the rear view mirrors with schadenfreude for a moment, then turned to the catgirl. "No. No, Nepeta, we are not, just like the DOZEN OTHER T-"

"Hey! That's our exit!" Nepeta grabbed the wheel from Karkat's hands and sung it toward an exit ramp. Karkat shoved her away before she oversteered, and they blundered up the offramp.

They were able to see it from here; the world's largest Walmart, though it was never advertised as such; the corporation probably feared they'd get more groups like Karkat's. The gigantic building occupied an obscenely gigantic plot of land and, after an incident in the week after the Walmart's opening, was required by law to have a fully functioning small power plant on grounds. If one stood at the base of the building and the sun was on the other side, it was dark enough to be confused for late afternoon. Even as one drove into the parking lot, there was a noticeable change in the light. It was sort of unnerving at first. Children below the age of three are not recommended on grounds, especially near the power plant.

After only a minor incident in which Karkat ran over a shopping cart left int he middle of the parking lot, an empty space was found reasonably close to the entrance and everyone was ordered inside. Upon entrance, the kindly old woman who was being paid to say hello to strangers recoiled slightly and whispered into a radio. Karkat couldn't hear her, but he knew what she was saying:

"Code 612."

There wouldn't be an immediate change. One would think nothing happened, other than an old woman didn't want to say hello to seven Murphy's Laws incarnate, but there would be security.
Everyone gathered in a cluster in front of the unused carts. A young woman with a screaming child was attempting to plan a course of action that resulted in her own cart and no contact with the trolls. Judging by her face, the planning was not going well. "Now," Karkat began over the child's wails, "we'll split up so we get out of here sooner and cause as little damage as possible. Vr-"

Vriska grabbed Tavros's four wheel device and ran into the bowels of the store. "Taaaaaaaavros and I have frozen foods!" Tavros's only reply to this was "uh."

Karkat could only imagine what sort of untold damage Vriska could/would do, but he ignored it for the sake of his sanity. "Fine. Equius, Nepeta, and Eridan, go get dry goods. Cereal, stuff like that. Canned stuff, too. Each of you take a cart. Sollux and I will take care of produce, dairy and deli." The group split; Karkat and Sollux went left, and Nepeta bounced right, Eridan ran to catch up with her, and Equius STRONG RAN after the both of them, muttering about gutterbloods who don't know their place.