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How Deeply My Body is Stained by Yours

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Sarah finds that she is excited to read the next entry in Beth’s journal. She wants to know what happens between Alison and Beth. Well, maybe not everything, she thinks as she glances at the pictures of the women in bed together.

 

~ I invited Alison for dinner. Why did I invite Alison for dinner? I don’t even know what she likes to eat. I should just ask her. This was a bad idea. I need to call her and cancel.


~ I called Alison and she immediately knew I called to cancel. I could hear the disappointment in her voice, even though she tried to act nonchalant about it. I couldn’t do it, so I asked her what she likes to eat. I don’t know why the idea of hurting Alison’s feelings affects me. Why was she upset? It’s just dinner.


~ Alison said she likes Italian, so I’m going to make baked ziti with marinara and parmesan. I got a nice Merlot to go with it; I know how much she likes wine. I often imagine her sitting in her craft room at night drinking wine. It seems like a very Alison thing to do.

 

Sarah knew this to be true of Alison, she had seen it herself. Alison could often be found in her craft room with a bottle of wine next to her working on a new project. Sarah laughed remembering the purple hat and mittens Alison had knitted for Kira. Kira loved them of course. Sarah continued reading.

 


~ Tonight went well, for the most part. In fact it was going really well until I kissed her. Shit, what was I thinking? I wasn’t and that’s the problem. I wasn’t thinking about all the reasons why that would be a bad idea. It just happened. Stupid, but I don’t know why I did it. We had a great evening and she enjoyed dinner. She made a smartass comment about being surprised I could cook. I was tempted to tell her that I hardly ever cooked for anyone, but I didn’t. We had some wine and then dessert; I got a tiramisu from a little bakery down by the station. We talked, not about anything important, but about little things; music, our favorite movies, etc. Alison was happy and laughing. I found myself just watching her; watching the way her face lit up and the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled. I am always amazed that I find her to be such an intriguing person. She took a bite of tiramisu and some got on the corner of her mouth. I grabbed her chin and wiped it off with my thumb. Ali just sat there and stared at me. Then, without thinking about it or even realizing I was going it, I leaned over and kissed her. It was sweet and soft. It was hardly a kiss. I let my lips brush over hers and pulled back. It only lasted a few seconds, but when I pulled back I knew the damage had been done. The second I looked into her eyes I knew I might never see her again. She stood up and backed away from me, like I had grown a third eye. I opened my mouth to explain, I’m not sure what happened, I could only stand there looking like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. I grabbed for her, but she shook her head and bolted out the door. She left so fast she forgot her coat. What did I do? A better question is why, why did I do it?

 

 

Sarah sat there looking around the floor of the closet at all the pics of Beth and Alison. She had wondered how this was going to play out. She couldn’t imagine the soccer mom initiating it. In fact, she wasn’t surprised that Alison reacted the way she had. Sarah smirked; Alison had probably gone home and locked herself in her craft room with a bottle, or two, of wine and had a nervous breakdown. She can picture the suburbanite pacing the room ranting and raving to herself.

 

 

~ I have officially fucked everything up. I’ve called Alison a million times but she won’t talk to me. I even had Cosima call her; she won’t talk to either of us. I’m glad Cosima didn’t ask why I needed her to call Alison. What could I say? Oops, I kissed our clone and now she won’t talk to me. That would be a very awkward conversation. I’m not sure what Cosima would have to say about it either, not sure I want to find out.


~ It’s been over 2 weeks and Alison still won’t talk to me. I was worried about her safety, so I drove to her house. I waited for hours until I saw her and the kids. I was glad to see that she was in one piece. I felt like a stalker, but I just had to be sure she was ok.


~ It’s been another week and Alison won’t talk to me. I’m still not sure how to get her to talk to me. Hell, I don’t even know what to say to her if she does. Sorry? The weird thing is, I’m not sorry, not at all. I don’t want to apologize. I want to do it again. This is crazy. Am I crazy? I mean, she’s me, but not. God, the whole clone thing is enough to melt anyone’s brain, but I had to go and kiss my clone. Way to go Childs.

 


Honestly, Sarah felt sorry for Beth. Beth was right the clone thing on its own was a lot to handle; she couldn’t imagine also being involved with one. This made her think of Alison and all that she must be going through. It was hard enough with the clone shit, add Beth’s death and not being able to react appropriately or tell anyone about your relationship. Shit, Sarah is starting to understand the tail spin Alison has been in since she met her.

 

~ It would be a lie to say I’ve lost track of how long it’s been since that night. That night, the night I lost Alison. I know exactly how many days and it’s slowly eating me up. I never asked for this. I never wanted it. Now, though, I don’t know how to get back to life without her. I feel stupid and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. I did this and I don’t know how to make it right.


~ I’ve thrown myself into work and researching the other clones. Cosima and I talk at least once a week to keep each other updated on my investigation and her scientific discoveries. She told me that she had finally gotten ahold of Alison. It made my stomach roll and heave to hear Cosima talk about Alison. It’s good, I guess, at least she’s keeping Ali in the loop about some of our discoveries. We agreed the less Alison knows the better. I got Cosima to agree to it for the kids, but really I just want to keep Alison safe, even if she wants nothing to do with me. I need to keep her safe, we have no idea what’s coming for us.