Nyota sighed sadly as she watched him leave abruptly.
She pushed. She knew she shouldn't have pushed.
But she was so worried. So concerned. His Vulcan upbringing did not allow him to process his emotions. It did not allow him to express.
She recalled when she had told her roommate, Gaila, in the strictest confidence, about her budding relationship with the half-Vulcan. Her green-skinned friend couldn't fathom how she could have a relationship with someone who, in Gaila's words, had the emotional range of a rock.
But what Gaila didn't understand, what so many people didn't know was the true depth of Spock's emotions.
Nyota knew, though.
She always knew.
Behind that calm, deceptively cold exterior of his, in his eyes, his emotions ran deep.
And now he was in pain.
She gave him exactly thirty minutes before going to his quarters.
"Spock, it's me," she said, pressing the button on the intercom outside his quarters.
A brief moment later and she heard his soft voice bidding her entrance.
The sliding door swooshed open and she entered. She was always surprised when she came to his quarters. It was meticulously spotless and where one might expect it to be bland and void of personality, it was anything but.
There had always been works of art adorning his walls, most Vulcan, but some from Earth. Tonight, she noticed newer pieces. No doubt they were a few of the scarce Vulcan pieces left in the universe after the destruction of the planet.
He needed the reminder.
He needed the memory.
He needed to protect them.
Uhura found Spock seated on the ground, deep in meditation. She slowed her steps, not wanting to disturb him. However, his eyes opened and he looked at her.
She hesitated, "I'm not disturbing you, am I?"
"Not at all." He began to raise himself to his feet.
Nyota halted him with a hand on his shoulder, "You don't need to get up on my account." Instead, she moved opposite of him and took a seat on the ground, crossing her legs.
He studied her movements without word or expression.
Not that he wasn't a maelstrom of emotion.
No. She'd learn to decipher him.
He interrupted her. He did not do that often. "I must seek out the Elders."
Uhura looked at him, confusion in her eyes. She did not expect that. "What? Why?"
He uncharacteristically hesitated, "I - I have found that I cannot control these emotions. I do not understand."
"But why do you need to seek the Elders?" Why do you need to leave the ship?
He continued speaking as if she had not interrupted him. "I do not understand these illogical emotions. The events occurred precisely twenty-one days, fourteen hours and nine minutes ago. Logically, it is time, as the saying goes, that I put it behind me. But I find that I cannot. Therefore I must seek the aid of the Elders. It appears a mindmeld is required."
Nyota sighed, "I still don't understand."
Finally he looked at her, "It is necessary, because I can no longer suppress these emotions. However I cannot understand why."
Nyota quickly ran the stardate in her mind. "Today would have been your mother's birthday," she whispered.
"Yes," he replied with a whisper.
"Do you-" she hesitated. "Do you want to talk about it now? About her?"
The silence that followed stretched to a minute. Then two. Three. However, Nyota did not push. When dealing with Vulcan emotions, it was imperative not to push. Nyota knew this, even though she broke that rule earlier. She would not make the same mistake twice.
Finally, he spoke. "It is illogical that this day bears greater meaning than any other day. On Vulcan, it is not customary to place higher importance on one's birthday."
Nyota remained quiet.
A moment later, he continued, "Mother did. When I was child, she went to great lengths to celebrate the anniversaries of all our births. Father did not understand this illogical behavior, but he humored her." Another moment, then he whispered, "I miss them. The parties. I miss her." He looked at her, momentarily allowing his emotions show in his eyes, before he attempted to regain some semblance of control. "I apologize. It is not the Vulcan way to discuss such emotions. I must do what I can to overcome them."
Nyota's heart went out to him and she squeezed his hands in hers. "Spock, I know that you place high regard on your Vulcan heritage, and logic and suppression of your feelings, but you are also half-human. And it is the Human way to talk your way through whatever you're feeling. You don't have to deal with these emotions alone."
There was silence for a long while before he responded. Nyota did not push. She knew he would close himself off if she did. So she remained silent, grasping his hands in hers.
"My father encouraged my anger against Nero. He told me it was something my mother would say. It was that anger that allowed me to exact revenge upon the Romulan vessel. I still feel that anger. However, it is now directed at myself."
"You're angry with yourself? I don't understand."
"It is illogical to feel such an emotion, however I cannot rid myself of it. I could not have predicted the events that took place. Logically, I know I could not have known the events that would have led to my mother's death. However, I find myself questioning my actions. Wondering what would have happened had I behaved in a different manner. I have allowed myself to imagine what might have been if I had pulled my mother towards myself before she fell to her death." He took a breath and tilted his head in a very humanlike manner as he contemplated his words. "I am afraid that my mother died without knowing how much I loved her, how much Father did, how much we treasured her."
Silence permeated the quarters once more before Uhura broke it.
"Spock," she met his eyes with wet ones. "She knew. I'm sure she did."
"You cannot be sure. You did not know her," he contradicted her.
"I know she did the same way I know how you feel for me," she stated. "It's in your eyes."
Its human eyes.
Spock's gaze dropped as though ashamed, and whispered, "K'diwa."
Nyota leaned forward, resting her forehead against his. "Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, ashal-veh."
Spock drew her lips to his, taking the initiative in a manner he rarely did. Upon breaking the kiss, he locked his eyes with hers, "Thank you, Nyota. It would appear that you were correct in your assessment that I discuss these emotions. And although I believe my mind is still fraught with these thoughts, your presence has helped me."
She gave him a smile, "You're welcome."