Work Text:
Voldemort: Well done.
Voldemort: I’m proud of you all.
Regulus: You know what would make that more… believable? The “YASS” hands.
Voldemort: Excuse me?
Regulus: You know.
Regulus: This.
Regulus:
Regulus: Without emoji’s, you seem mad.
Voldemort: I do not feel things.
Regulus: Except rage. Murder. World domination. And a lust for my cousin.
Voldemort: Fine.
Voldemort: I do not feel ‘basic’ emotions.
Barty Crouch Jnr: Someone fetch Reg some burn ointment, cause he’s just been served.
Voldemort:
Barty Crouch Jnr: Oh Sir. You have outdone yourself.
Regulus:
Voldemort:
Barty Crouch Jnr: This is the best day of my life.
Bellatrix: He’s here AGAIN
Bellatrix: He doesn’t know I am. I’ve been waiting, purposefully.
Bellatrix: He broke in. Again.
Bellatrix: Could I Murder him for that cause?
Regulus: Who? Sirius?
Sirius: As if I’d be there.
Sirius: Stop using the 'Black' WhatsApp for un-important things. Some of us are busy.
Bellatrix: Go cry a river, Sirius, nobody gives a fuck.
Bellatrix: I feel he doesn't know he’s not wanted.
Regulus: “Something Mother would say about Sirius”
Sirius: Fuck you, Regulus.
Regulus: Someone isn't "busy" now.
Sirius: I will punch you in your fucking eye you momma's boy, shut up.
Regulus: If you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen.
Sirius: I'M NOT EVEN IN THE KITCHEN YOU DOSSILE FUCK.
Regulus:
Bellatrix: CISSA
Bellatrix: GET IN HEREEE AND STOP MOLESTING THE BLOND FUCK!
Narcissa: You bellowed.
Bellatrix: I saw you lurking. You do realise we can all see that you have read the messages. We aren't all Regulus.
Regulus: HEY!
Sirius: LOL, tell him Bella
Bellatrix: Shut up, Sirius. No one likes a BLACK SHEEP.
Bellatrix: He’s here. Again.
Narcissa: Well he is your husband. He does live there.
Bellatrix: But I don’t like it.
Bellatrix: I don’t like him.
Regulus: …
Bellatrix: I might murder him.
Narcissa: You can’t murder everyone you dislike, Bella.
Bellatrix: Watch me.
Narcissa: You dislike everyone.
Regulus: You do, Bella. I’m sure there’s a library of people that have wronged you now, rather than a list.
Bellatrix: I’m going to murder him. Just a cheeky slit to the throat. Nothing too OTT.
Regulus: Um…
Regulus: Wait isn't Rolly in here?
Narcissa: Good luck. Do not get blood on the floor, AGAIN. I'm not sure how often I can convince the house-elves to assist in your 'mopping' up. They'll want paying soon.
Regulus: Um. Guys?
Regulus: Anyone.
Regulus: Bella? Cissa?
Rodolphus: Hello.
Sirius: Awkward.
Regulus: I need you, Sirius.
Sirius: Of course you do. I am the best.
Regulus: Brilliant. Super helpful. Thank god you’re around.
Sirius: I sense sarcasm.
Sirius: I have chosen to ignore it. What do you need?
Regulus: I need you to stop whatever you are doing and come home, Mother is... dressing me up.
Sirius: I will come home.
Regulus: Wait, seriously?
Sirius: Couldn't resist could ya, Reggie.
Regulus: Ah fuck.
Sirius: I'll save that for later. And, I will come home for the entertainment of seeing you as mother's doll. Not because I pity you.
Sirius: Sirius will be home as soon as.
Regulus: Third person? Really?
Sirius: This is notj kdAJBK.dv
Sirius: Ignore that.
Sirius: I'll be home. Gimme 5.
Sirius: Fine. 10.
Sirius: I'm being told 30 mins? That work for you.
Regulus: Who is that? Who are you with?
Sirius: Air.
Regulus: You don't let anyone touch your phone!
Regulus: And air? Really? Fuck me you're thick.
Sirius: You believed me!
Regulus: I did not. Get home and do your brotherly duty.
Sirius: I'm currently partaking in another duty.
Regulus: You... are gross.
Sirius: You don't even know what I'm doing! You cannot assume it is gross.
Sirius: It is quite heavenly.
Regulus: Is it Marlene again?
Sirius: EW. NO!
Sirius: No!
Sirius: Well you killed the mood.
Regulus: I'm not sorry.
Sirius: You're a mean brother.
Regulus: Who are you with?
Sirius: No one.
Regulus: You're too posh to wank, who are you with?
Regulus: Oh My God.
Regulus: Are you with Lupin or Potter?
Sirius:
Regulus: That doesn't answer.
Sirius: I am attempting to find a moon but I just keep finding a wolf emoji, which is adorable but unhelpful.
Regulus: What the hell? The moon is near the end and how does that help me.
Sirius: GOD REGGIE FINE! I'M FUCKING REMUS 'MAN OF THE MOON' LUPIN, ALRIGHT? GOD YOU DRAGGED IT OUT OF ME.
Regulus: I really. Really. Didn't.
Regulus: Mother is going to behead you like the elves.
Sirius: MEH.
Regulus: Excellent. Brilliant. Fantastic.
Regulus: My brother is into dick... That's going to really help cool the amount of murder in the family.
Snape: Morning. How is all?
Rodolphus: Bloody.
Snape: Explain?
Rodolphus: Bellatrix.
Snape: Ah.
Snape: Did you return home last night?
Rodolphus: I assume that was incorrect of me. From the large gash on my neck.
Rodolphus: I played into her hand this time. I pretended to beg for mercy, squealed and she eventually succumbed.
Snape: You are learning well.
Rodolphus: It was pretty hot until I passed out halfway through.
Snape: Wait. What?
Rodolphus: We were having sex. Was that not clear?
Snape: No.
Rodolphus: Oh she has a thing for torture.
Rodolphus: It’s very attractive.
Snape: Ok.
Rodolphus: We got a little into the role play and forgot to play medic.
Snape: Please stop.
Rodolphus: But. What can you do? Gotta give the lady what she wants. You know?
Snape: I really do not.
Rodolphus: We have fun, we do.
Rodolphus: BRB she’s mad I got blood on the floor.
Snape: How… inconsiderate of you?
Rodolphus: It's LIKE YOU'RE HERE!
Regulus: I don’t know what I walked into.
Voldemort: Ah the innocence of the world. I need you to be ready in ten minutes, we have a job to do.
Snape: Of course, My Lord.
Regulus: I don’t fancy being square, so I’ll be there.
Rodolphus: Sir, I’m bleeding.
Voldemort: Well I suggest you bleed on your own time. Also. Bring Bellatrix.
Rodolphus: Sir?
Voldemort: She has knowledge that I need, and will also be willing to provide a demonstration.
Snape: Nice one, My Lord.
Voldemort: YASSS
Voldemort: Lucius
Lucius: You called, My Lord.
Voldemort: Have you been dropped on your head?
Voldemort: Has the Blood left that very small brain of yours?
Voldemort: Because I very clearly texted.
Lucius: It was a term of speech, My Lord.
Voldemort:
Voldemort: I use emoji’s now.
Lucius: An excellent choice, My Lord.
Voldemort: I need you to hide something for me. It is… of special value to me. Can I trust you with this, Lucius? Would you promise to protect this item, and love it, and stroke it when necessary?
Lucius: I do, My Lord. I must warn you, I am terribly afraid of snakes, but I shall do my best.
Voldemort: I do not see the value in that information.
Voldemort: I guess.. thank you, for sharing? It isn’t prudent that we do that though.
Voldemort: Actually I prefer if we don’t.
Lucius: My Lord?
Voldemort: This is the item.
Voldemort:
Voldemort: It is special to me,
Lucius: A book?
Voldemort: That is all.
Voldemort: Oh.
Voldemort: Do not talk to the book, Lucius. Please. While its appearances are of a diary, I really, really do not want to hear your deepest darkest secrets about how long it takes to condition your hair.
Voldemort: No one does.
Voldemort: Actually we’ve had complaints.
Lucius: Oh, My Lord?
Voldemort: Narcissa, mainly. But the others aren’t vibe-ing it either. I’d prefer you keep those feelings locked up inside. No one needs them to resurface?
Voldemort: Please do better.
Andromeda: So, dinner at mine? I have news.
Sirius: Can I bring a friend?
Bellatrix: No.
Sirius: Meda?
Andromeda: Is it the tall, glasses wearing one?
Bellatrix: Lol.
Bellatrix: No.
Bellatrix: The innocence.
Sirius: Shut UP, Bella.
Bellatrix: It’s the scarred one.
Bellatrix: They’re “Dating”
Bellatrix: Dating a man.
Bellatrix: Sirius. Is SIRIUSLY Dating a man? I THINK HE IS. THE DISHONOUR. THE BLOOD-LURST I FEEL INSIDE OF ME.
Sirius: Yeah, yeah. You angry. You a giant killing machine with your: "I will kill you" and all that you love.
Sirius: It's getting tiring, Bella.
Bellatrix: Except. You don’t have the balls for that?
Sirius: Fine. I will pretend to understand your nonsense. I have balls, good ones too. They do a good job off banging against the arse of MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND BELLATRIX!
Andromeda: Well this got out of hand
Sirius: OH AND FY-FUCKING-I! Bellatrix sucks Voldy off.
Sirius: A Lot.
Sirius: And he chokes her.
Sirius: A Lot.
Bellatrix: YOU BASTARD
Andromeda: BELLA!
Sirius: My parents are married, duh?
Bellatrix: I will end you.
Bellatrix: I will cut your hair. I will slice your skin. I will drain you of your blood!
Sirius: Not the hair!!!!
Sirius: The rest I’m okay with.
Sirius: I'M KIDDING. I can grow this back in a minute, bitch.
Bellatrix: I am going to murder you slowly. Painfully. I will make it look so fucked up that I get a medal from the dark lord!!
Sirius: I bet you get a medal all the time ;)
Bellatrix: UGH
Bellatrix: I will make you wish you weren’t born!
Sirius: I ALREADY WISH THAT
Andromeda: So. Let’s reschedule?
Regulus: So. Our siblings hate each other?
Narcissa: I am attempting to remain indifferent.
Regulus: Meh.
Regulus: I’m rather enjoying it.
Regulus: I'm making t-shirts to show my support.
Narcissa: He told your mum you hadn’t murdered anyone yet, didn’t he?
Regulus: He made a poster. It flashed and sang.
Regulus: Mother was unimpressed with my excuse
Narcissa: Which was?
Regulus: That I weigh as much as a feather and my only defining skill is sarcasm. Murder seemed difficult with my disability.
Narcissa: Ah.
Regulus: I’m kind of hoping for a death this time.
Regulus: #TeamBella
Narcissa: You know. With Sirius dead, you’d become the one to marry and all of Walburga’s efforts will be pushed onto you?
Regulus: Fuck.
Regulus: I might call Sirius. And, you know, apologise.
Narcissa: He’s with the gangly boy in Diagon. They were being disgusting with ice-cream.
Regulus: Love you.
Narcissa:
Bellatrix: A request to kill Severus, please?
Voldemort: I’m honoured you’d bother asking, Bella.
Voldemort: Usually you just… act.
Bellatrix: Someone informed me I don’t always do the right thing.
Bellatrix: I’ve sort of become talented at it.
Voldemort: Can I ask why you wish to murder Severus?
Bellatrix: I just… don’t like him.
Voldemort: Its his eyes isn’t it?
Bellatrix: THEY’RE SO SHIFTY
Bellatrix: And beetle like.
Bellatrix: His eyes make me suspicious.
Voldemort: His breath makes you suspicious, I remember you telling me over our last rendezvous.
Bellatrix: You know me so well. And remember the little things, my Lord. Why are you so perfect for me?
Voldemort: I'm not sure, but it doesn’t take a lot of work.
Voldemort: It comes easy being this handsome and perfect.
Bellatrix: His nose.
Bellatrix: He also has a suspicious nose.
Voldemort: I’ll see if he will consider surgical enhancements to fix it.
Bellatrix:
Voldemort: I am thinking of relieving you of your husband.
Bellatrix: You mean, by death?
Voldemort: Maybe.
Bellatrix:
Voldemort: Why have you sent me a dribbling face and an aubergine?
Bellatrix: It’s a code for sucking you off.
Voldemort: Ah.
Voldemort:
Regulus: Mother is looking for you.
Sirius: Delightful.
Regulus: If you’re fucking Lupin again, I suggest you stop.
Sirius: I am not.
Sirius: I’m sucking him off.
Sirius: So my hands can be free to insult you.
Regulus: You’re a weird man.
Sirius: So I’ve been told.
Sirius: Why is she looking for me?
Regulus: Huge disappointment blah blah. Caught snogging a bloke, blah blah. Dishonour and shit, blah blah. Waste of air, blah blah. Set a bunch of wild racoons on me, blah blah.
Sirius: Ah.
Sirius: How did Operation Ra-curga go?
Regulus: It had a name?
Sirius: All operations have names, Reg.
Sirius: How do you not know this? How have you learnt nothing from me?
Sirius: Be my eyes at least, Regulus!
Regulus: A racoon has locked itself in the kitchen and everyone out of it.
Regulus: Mum is shouting. Dad is stoic.
Regulus: The racoon is writing demands down and shoving them under the door.
Sirius: Ah that’s Tim. He’s a shifty bugger.
Regulus: He’s demanding money. What the fuck does a racoon want with money?
Sirius: HE HAS A MORTGAGE TOO YOU KNOW? Not everyone is born rich, REGULUS! God!
Regulus: He demanded a million pounds.
Sirius: Well…
Sirius: Lest be warned that making deals with back alley racoons isn’t always wise.
Sirius: Also… back alleys ;)
Regulus: Oh hell no.
Bellatrix: Where are you bitches at?
Narcissa: Coming.
Andromeda: Ugh.
Bellatrix: Don’t you Ugh me you Hufflepuff loving traitor! This is an emergency.
Andromeda: ??
Bellatrix: I need you to come round. Okay? Just come here and aid me.
Andromeda: Cissa…
Narcissa: I SAID IM COMING.
Andromeda: Bella. I need you to give me more details. Is this a “likely to go to prison” meet-up or a “There’s a spider in my bathtub”.
Bellatrix: If there was a spider, do you not think I’d have murdered it?
Bellatrix: It’s like you don’t even know me.
Andromeda: I like to think better of you.
Bellatrix: Well don’t.
Andromeda: I can’t be caught with a body again, Bella. It was suspicious the last time.
Bellatrix: Narcissa!
Narcissa: COMING.
Andromeda: Oh…
Bellatrix: Oh?
Andromeda: Think about it.
Bellatrix: …
Bellatrix: Ew.
Bellatrix: Just EW! I mean. I am having a crisis here and she’s… ew.
Andromeda: Bellatrix…
Bellatrix: Mistakes have been made.
Andromeda: Tell me you didn’t murder.
Bellatrix: I cannot.
Andromeda: Fuck me. What is wrong with you?
Bellatrix: Affair with my boss. BDSM. Need for a sight of blood daily. Depression. Shifty-Nose Anxiety. What isn’t? That’s the better question.
Narcissa: Well.
Andromeda: Look who returned to us.
Narcissa: I have a plan.
Bellatrix: You do?
Andromeda: You do?
Narcissa: Well. No. But I wanted to sound useful.
Andromeda: Use-fuck.
Andromeda: Oh it sounded better in my head.
Andromeda: Did I kill the chat?
Bellatrix: As the matter of killing. Yes. Yes, you did.
Barty Crouch Jnr: I need you to remain calm.
Regulus: What did you do?
Barty Crouch Jnr: You know how you asked me to think before I act.
Barty Crouch Jnr: I didn’t.
Regulus: What did you do?
Barty Crouch Jnr: I may. Or may not. I’m not sure. Have burnt a house down.
Regulus: WTF?!
Barty Crouch Jnr: Well you know how I like to dance with my lighter? Because it makes me look trendy as fuck. Well. Remember how you said, “B-Crutch, look out and be careful?” I didn’t.
Barty Crouch Jnr: I didn’t do any of it.
Regulus: Who’s house?
Barty Crouch Jnr: Okay this is why I need you to be calm.
Regulus: YOU BURNT MY HOUSE DOWN?
Regulus: OMFG! What about Kreacher?
Barty Crouch Jnr: No. Not that house,
Barty Crouch Jnr: The Secret one.
Regulus: The one no one is meant to know about in case we need to hide from the dictator we have shackled our lives too? That house?
Barty Crouch Jnr: Except people do, like know about it. There are a shit ton of Aurors there now.
Barty Crouch Jnr: I may have Dark Mark’d it. You know? To cover the accidental fire burning.
Regulus: I feel like hating you.
Barty Crouch Jnr: I thought you might.
Barty Crouch Jnr: But I’d like to remind you that I forgave you when you said I was a little bitch.
Regulus: You are, a little bitch.
Barty Crouch Jnr: Well I’m not. And also, it hurt my feelings then and it does now.
Regulus: You burnt my safe house down.
Regulus: My safe house.
Regulus: MY SAFE HOUSE.
Regulus: Your “feelings” and my safe house are not mutually inclusive! They’re opposites. Polar. Fucking. Opposites.
Barty Crouch Jnr: I feel like you should calm down. Accidents happen.
Regulus: Damn right they do.
Regulus: All the damn time.
Barty Crouch Jnr: Why am I getting Bellatrix vibes from you?
Regulus: Hide. Run and Hide.
Barty Crouch Jnr: This is not how this was supposed to go.
Regulus: ??
Barty Crouch Jnr: You were meant to laugh. Like, “Haha,” and ‘Oh Barty, you deviant,’.
Regulus:
Barty Crouch Jnr: Ah Yes. Running. And hiding. Bye!