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I'm Not Okay

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"I never thought I'd have to say this, but Tyler you've been so fucking unbearable these past few weeks! You've turned down every big opportunity for us, you never let us go to award shows and at least be there in person to accept them but you want to go on break in the middle of the tour?!" Josh shouted, Tyler looked at the floor, ready to explain himself but Josh cut him off.

"You know what? Do it, have your break. I don't care anymore, I quit." Josh shook his head and exited the tour bus, not giving Tyler the chance to talk.

Tyler felt his knees give way, he sank to the floor and muffled his cries.

'I told you he was going to quit. I told you he's going to think you're being unfair, so he left. I'd do the same thing if I could, he was right to to leave.'

Tyler cried harder at the voice, he grabbed his hair and pulled it.

"Go away! It's your fault! Leave me alone!" Tyler sobbed.

He must have sat right there crying for over an hour before he got up and dragged himself to his bunk, he just silently cried, unable to sleep.

He heard the door opening then footsteps nearing him until they stopped outside his bunk.

"I'll stay for a month, give you time to get your shit together then that's it. I'm done." Josh decided dryly, Tyler heard Blurryface cackling in the back of his head.

After a while, the crew was back on the bus and they were on to the next destination, it didn't take long for everyone to fall asleep after a hard day's work.

Except Tyler, he couldn't sleep at all, the voices were too loud in his ears even though they were whispering, it was like twenty people all speaking at the same time about different things.

He sighed tiredly and slid out of bed and bent down and grabbed his bag and searched for his medication but when he found the bottle he saw it as empty.

"Oh. Okay." Tyler mumbled blankly and dropped the items to the floor, he went to the sitting area and sat down crossed legged in the dark and stared at the forming colors on the floor.

He sat there for hours until the bus came to a complete stop, the voices were louder and the hallucinations were clearer.

"Tyler? How long have you been up?" Mark asked, Tyler didn't take his eyes off of Blurryface's for a second.

"Not long." Tyler lied, Mark nodded and stretched out and yawned.

Josh and Mark had gotten ready for the day, Josh just left without a word to Tyler.

"That was weird. Anyways, we're going to go get breakfast and start setting up, you coming?" Mark questioned, Tyler shook his head, he blinked and Blurry was gone.

"I'm going to stay here." Tyler informed, he began to close his eyes but one distinct voice said open them.


Tyler was out of it for most of the set up, he'd barely help with anything, he just stood places and stared until they actually needed him to do his part.

The show the next day could have went better than it did, Tyler stumbled over his words, they were getting mixed up with all the whispers.

The next few shows after that were lacking also, Tyler managed to piss off almost everyone in a week.

Mark yelled at him and after that, they didn't talk. Then went the rest of the crew who only spoke to him when they had to.

Tyler hadn't sleep a good four hours during that entire week, he pushed eating to the back of his mind and counted every day closer to Josh leaving and his entire life being over.

One night, Mark and Josh were in their bunks, Tyler was sitting at the dining table alone.

His leg bounced rapidly up and down, Blurryface was teasing him, there was a silver blade lying on the middle of the table.

'Come on Ty. I know you want them to shut up, they've been going non stop for a week, just pick it up and they'll go away.' Blurry coached, Tyler stopped moving and tears brimmed the corner of his eyes.

"They don't want to talk to me anymore. They think I'm crazy, don't they?" Tyler asked, he looked at the image of Blurryface sitting down across from him, with a wide, demon like smirk.

'Tyler, you're hearing voices, you're hallucinating a blade and thinking about taking it and gliding it across your arms. No, you aren't crazy. They are. Crazy for not understanding you, not giving you a chance to speak.'

"It's all just a broken figment of my imagination, I can't tell the real from the fake anymore. They're too loud, the meds are gone but they didn't work anyways. Anxiety pills nor depression pills help Schizophrenia, they didn't even help with what they were meant for. You never went away." Tyler sniffled, he closed his eyes and opened them, the hallucinations were gone.

Another week had passed, still the same as the week before. But Tyler was spiraling down the hole faster than he could catch himself, he found himself only eating a sandwich and a cup of applesauce that week.

Just last night, Blurryface had tried to persuade him into buying actual razors instead of hallucinating them, Tyler had an internal battle with himself. He'd been clean for three years and he was proud of himself and so was Josh, he took Tyler out to celebrate, by the end of the night they kissed and the end of the week lead them to dating.

Josh never specific when he quit, if they were still together, Tyler didn't have much hope left because if he quit the band that they put their heart and soul into, he quit his and Tyler's relationship.
He was sitting down at the dining table again, Josh was on his phone boredly. Tyler kept his gaze on his shoes as he looked for words to say.

"Josh, are we over?" Tyler asked quietly, he looked over at Josh.

Josh plugged in his earphones and ignored Tyler, the younger man closed his eyes, trying not to let the hurt show.


He ended buying the razors, it was three am after a show and everyone was extremely tired. Even Tyler, he hadn't slept in ages nor did he eat or drink anything, he somehow managed to upset two of his siblings over the phone, he didn't know what he said wrong because he only remembers asking them to help him.

But Zack and Maddy told him not to call them so he didn't. His family was his last hope, he was getting weaker by the day.

He finally gave into Blurry and the voices, he gave them full control. He cried in the restroom, covered in blood, it was all over his clothes and on the sink.

He finally gathered himself up enough to clean himself and the sink up, he bandaged himself and put on a black long sleeve shirt, it was pretty big on him when it shouldn't have been, he just bought it.

He got a prescription to get his medications refilled but he didn't bother, he was basically a dead man by now.

He didn't even go into his bunk since the first night, he just sat out in the sitting room, listening to Blurry degrade him, pushing him closer to the edge.


The crew came off of whatever they were on and tried to talk to him but Tyler would ignore them and lock himself in his dressing room until it was time for show.

"Five minutes til you go on stage." Mark informed, Tyler hummed and continue to scribble out a note.

His hands were scarily still for someone so close to the edge, he smiled tiredly, all the words wouldn't fit on the front of the paper so he ripped it out and started on the back.

Meanwhile Josh was in his own dressing room, scrolling through Twitter when something caught his eye, '#WWWTyler?' was a trending hashtag.

He clicked it and read through some of the tweets.

'He's much paler than he should be. #WWWTyler?'

'He has bags under his eyes and he looks so ill #WWWTyler?'

There were a row of pictures and sure enough, Tyler looked ill and completely destroyed, he didn't have time to look any longer as someone knocked on the door telling him to get on stage.


Tyler saw Josh rushing up to where he was, he closed his eyes and let out a breath before wrapping his arms around him and hugged him, he gave his cheek a quick peck before rushing on stage.

The first song went by quickly, then the second, third and fourth. He stopped and smiled at the crowd, he shed a few tears before raising his hand to wipe them away.

"I just wanted to say, thank you all for being here for us, getting us where we are now because we would have never done it without you guys. I really appreciate it." Tyler confessed, the crowd cheered.

The next few songs rolled by, Tyler decided to hold a person's hand while he sang near the crowd, he didn't expect to be pulled into the crowd.

He chuckled but felt someone grab onto his arm, pressing into his wound, he winced and grabbed on to security's hand and let the man pull him out.

He climbed back on stage and thanked God for thick long sleeves, he was oddly calm for someone who was just pulled into a crowd of screaming people and was currently bleeding.

He didn't pay attention to it as the last song came around, Car Radio. He climbed up railing that was 20 feet high in the air.

Once he was at the top he looked down at the stage and froze.

'Let go.' the voices all whispered harshly in his brain, he looked over to hi left and saw Blurry standing there with a smirk.

'You already wrote the note. Told your family you loved them. Gave Joshua a hug. Thanked the fans. There is nothing more you can do but let go. Fall. Make it look like an accident or not, just let go.'

"One last thing. You are a terrible figment, you used to be my friend and protect me from the bullies you've been. But you're the one that made all this possible, so thank you." Tyler smiled, he pretended to start climbing down and let go.

When he did, he felt everything go quiet, there was no more drumming, no more cheering, no more voices.

Everything was moving in slow motion, Tyler looked and saw Josh frozen behind his drumset, wide frightened eyes, it was like his whole life flashed before his eyes.

Tyler didn't feel scared, he felt free, he felt like he lifted a burden off of everyone. He was okay, they were going to be ok without him.

That was the last thought before everything went black.

Josh was suspicious of Tyler, everything Tyler did from the beginning of the show was suspicious.

From wearing a thick black long sleeve in the middle of summer in California to climbing 20 feet in the air and talking to nothing instead of singing.

His eyes watered and everything froze, Tyler was actually falling, it wasn't a nightmare, it was real and he was actually falling.

Josh felt his heart stop and chills ran up his spine when Tyler hit the ground, he hopped over his drum set and ran to him.

He looked at him closely, there was blood pooling around his head, his eyes were closed and what made him close his eyes and look away was the smile on his face.

People came rushing to the stage, on set paramedics came and lifted him up onto a stretcher and started working on keeping him alive.

The people in the crowd screamed, snapping Josh out of shock, he frantically followed the paramedics into the vehicle.

He didn't remember anything that happened after that.

Hours passed, Josh flew Tyler's family down.

He felt so stupid and like an asshole, all those time Tyler was trying to tell him something, now that he thought about it, he never saw Tyler eat anything nor even get in his bunk to sleep.

He hated himself because fans across the world who barely saw Tyler noticed something was wrong with him but he saw Tyler everyday and didn't notice a thing because he was too selfish.

He hated himself because he knew Tyler wasn't talking to nothing, he saw someone there, he was off his meds, he was hearing voices again, he was seeing things again.

He hated himself because he could have stopped this, he could have Tyler right by his side right now if he would have just listened for a second.

He felt the note in his pants pocket when he pulled out his phone to call Tyler's family.

'Josh, if it's you who is reading this, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I have been a jerk and hadn't even considered how felt about a break. I just wanted a small break because I felt it getting loose, the cage was breaking and Blurryface was slipping through. I'm really sorry for making you hate me and not want to listen to me, I don't blame you for quitting the band and I don't blame you for quitting me. Who would even want to stay by me? I'm a ticking time bomb, I destroy almost everything I touch. It's funny though because one night, Blurry came to me, he told me exactly how you'd react, he told me you'd leave me and hate me and he's a figment of my imagination of course I didn't believe him. On my phone, there are a few messages I recorded, I labeled them with the people I want to listen to them. Josh, I hope you can forgive me and don't stay mad at me forever, I'm so sorry.'

Josh lowered his head in his hands and sobbed. It was his fault, Tyler tried to kill himself because of him.