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You are better than that

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Alexander Lightwood was used to luxury, and he didn’t have to think twice before spending money. His parents were rich and as long as he kept a good reputation for the media they didn’t care what he did. He went to parties almost every night, have sex with whoever he wanted (Alexander Lightwood was hot as hell, with his abs, his pale skin, blue eyes and black hair, who could resist?), did drugs occasionally, drink until he lost his mind and manipulate people for his own amusement.

 

He was in his freshman year in university and he had two younger siblings that were in boarding school in England. They were close, especially with his sister Izzy, even when they were in different countries. They knew very little about Alec’s lifestyle, he always tried to be a good role model, but he wasn’t.

 

Alec didn’t care about anything, for years he tried to be the perfect son for his parents. He did everything he was asked to do and always with a smile in his face. Everything changed when he came out of his family and admitted that he liked boys. Alec had his first boyfriend when he was 16 and he over the moon. He felt like he had a reason to tell his parents about his sexuality. He wanted them to meet. His siblings already knew and they accepted him as he was so his parents would be thrilled. Alec was wrong. His parents judgmental look haunted him even now.

After that dreadful afternoon, his parents shipped him to a boarding school/ “camp for people like him that needed help”. He left without having a chance to say goodbye to his first love.

 

The time at that camp were the worst memories for him. After some time, he stopped fighting and just “accepted the help”. He was the golden boy once again, all a terrible façade to escape that place, but he managed to do it. He then switched to a regular boarding school with his siblings. However, after he graduated his parents make him get back to the states for University. That was the time when he truly lost it. His parents couldn’t care less about any of his achievements, they acted as if being gay was a personal offense to them. They broke Alec, all his confidence and self-esteem was gone.

He couldn’t do anything to change his situation, he remembered the last time he confronted his parents.

“How long are you keep punishing me for my sexuality? It doesn’t change the person that I am. It doesn’t make my achievements unworthy!”

“Yes, it does. No Lightwood can be g….”

“Just say it dad! Yes I am GAY! It not a crime and it is not a sin”

“It is in this family and you have ruined us!”
“I have ruined us? I have kept my sexuality from the media from you and mom, I would shout it to the world now if it wasn’t for you!” the fight and the shouting were escalating very fast.

“Don’t you ever threaten me Alexander. Don’t you dare. You have kept this secret for years and it will stay this way”
“Or what?”
Robert raised an eyebrow “Because if there is even a rumor I will cut you off. You won't see another penny from me”
“Do you think I care about your money?”
“You haven’t complained so far. So, tell me Alec what would you do without MY money? Where would you live? How would you pay college?”
“I can figure things out”

“You are just an ungrateful spoilt child. Don’t you see it? without money you are nothing.”

Alec wanted to say something but his insecurities got the best of him. He stood there in front of a man he hated.

“You don’t have friends who would stay with you without the benefits that come with being in your company. Tell me who would want to spent time with you, without a fancy dinner, a party with connections or a trip in our family jet. You are nothing. So, you keep the appearances and you attend parties and meeting when you are needed with an impeccable behavior. Outside that I don’t expect more, you can have you’re the lover in the shadows and I never want to hear from that. This house is big enough se we don’t even have to cross paths, you behave and I’ll be generous with your bank account” then he left leaving a shocked and heartbroken Alec.

 

As much as Alec tried to ignore his father’s words he couldn’t and sometimes he would just stare at the mirror and say, ‘I am nothing’. Those were the only moments he let himself feel vulnerable. It had been years since that conversation and both have kept their word. Alec even got himself a fake girlfriend for the cameras.

 

Lydia was his friend and she knew the truth. She was the only person Alec trusted from his group of friends, she was different because she had lost her boyfriend from an overdose. That had been a wake-up call for her and she distanced herself from the crazy lifestyle of the children born in a golden cradle. She was still grieving for her lost love, but her parents had pressured her to downplay the importance of her relationship from the media. They wanted to avoid the whole drug abuse and overdose thing. Their relationship was beneficial for both, Alec could be the straight son and she got her parents off her back.

 

However, Alec did have some scandals of his own. The family lawyer Michael Wayland had saved him in court more than once (speed, recurrent noise complaints, getting into fights, possession of drugs…). And his parent’s connections have made sure that none of them leaks to the press.

 

Michael Wayland was more a father to Alec than Robert. Hell, he saw Alec more frequently than Robert. He also had a son named Jace. Before Alec was sent away Jace had been another brother and although they lost contact for a while he knew they were there for each other. Jace was away studying law, following his father footsteps. Alec sometimes felt jealous, jealous that Jace had such a good father and he was stuck with Robert.

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Alec was in a party, he always love/hated this. He would be with his friends who probably are the same or more fake and empty than Alec himself. They would laugh at others expense while also criticizing each other. They seem as a united front the kings and queens of the kingdom and everyone else was under them. Alec had been the “king of kings” in his group, he had always been a natural leader and people followed him. Once upon a time he used that attribute to be good, to be better, but now he used to be in control, he hated not being in control.

Their inner circle was just the elite, a small group of 6 and Alec didn’t like any of them. The person who Alec trusted the least was Sebastian Verlac, they would be friendly in their group, but they hated each other. Sebastian’s father had a pharmaceutical chain and his beloved son became the provider of the finest drugs you could get. He was jealous of Alec and he always trying to compete.

Meliorn and Keyla were models, he was attractive but not Alec’s type, and his sister definitely not his type. Their parents were well-known fashion designers and even had their own magazine. They were more looks than anything, nothing mattered as much as the image you show the world. They were crazy on social media with his billions of followers.

Meliorn’s girlfriend was Barbara, she was annoying and clingy, she even tried to seduce Alec a couple times. She believed no one was as sexy as her, she made everyone call her Barbie. At least she did look like a Barbie, the long blond hair, the skinny body, the big green eyes, the pale skin, the bright smile, perfection in a package. She was also as empty as a Barbie, she was a follower, never stood up against anything and never believing in anything to deeply. He didn’t like her much but she was inoffensive.

The new girl, she had moved to the states about a year and she had gain access to their elitist group, she was all smiles but Alec had a bad feeling about her. She was the kind of person that would stab you and let you heal only to hurt you again. Camille Belcourt, if you have to describe her she had long black hair and red lips. She looked so confident, like she was someone who has been in this game far too long. Every action, every movement, every word she said had a purpose, she could enchant you with sweet lies and before you knew it you were done. What was scarier though was how easily had become the official queen of their group, she was a puppet master trying to control everything.

“Alec, my dear. Lost in your thought again. If this party is bothering you we can go and have some fun. I'm sure Lydia wouldn’t mind” He felt Camille’s hand and her perfect manicure in his chest.

“My dear, -he imitated her tone- thanks for the offer but you’re not my type” Alec struggled at first with the sex thing, he couldn’t be the king without a sex life, he needed to keep the appearances. So, he had sex with some girls, something that always felt wrong. When that happened, he would get home and feel dirty and ashamed, he always felt sick to the stomach and in most cases, he would throw out everything he had consumed. He also slept with boys, random hook up at parties or bars, but it the feeling of shame never disappeared. Then, Lydia came along and he had an excuse to stop sleeping around (with girls anyway, he couldn’t resist a gorgeous man and well no one could resist him).

“Oh, I know I'm not your type. I don’t have the proper ‘equipment’ to make you lose your head”

Alec froze, she couldn’t have known. He was always very careful to keep his secret a secret but the look she gave him said ‘I know your secret’. Alec wouldn’t confirm anything so he made it look he didn’t understand what she meant.

“Yeah, I prefer them blond and you know I have a girlfriend who gives me everything I need” He left her side not waiting for a response and moved to the dance floor.

----______-----

It was almost 2 am when Alec went upstairs to get a line. They were in Meliorn’s house so he knew the way to a bathroom he could use. He barely closed the door and rapidly took from his pocket the small bag with drugs Sebastian give all of them earlier. He didn’t like the guy but if he had to interact at least he could get something out of it.

He prepared three lines he was going to inhale. He took the first one and he started to relax. He didn’t have a drug problem, he didn’t use them often but in night like these he needed a break. He was so distracted he didn’t hear the familiar sound of the cops arriving to end the party. He leaned to inhale his second line when there was someone at the door.

“NYPD. Put your hands where I can see them and turn around” said a strong voice. Alec turned looking at the cop, he was young, pretty but not enough to tempt him. Also, he was gay, Alec just knew and he would try anything to avoid another drug possession infraction.

“Now where do you want me pretty boy?” He was teasing to know how to proceed. The Cop blushed, that was a good sign.

“I…am arresting you for drug possession…. give me your hands”

“Do you have a name handsome?” Alec said extending his arms toward the cop. He was looking into his eyes and they he bit his lower bit. The cop smiled shyly and took the handcuffs to put in Alec’s wrists.

“My name is Daniel…Sorry about this”

“Well I am sorry indeed. I have plenty of ideas of how to give these handcuffs a better use” –Alec walked closer to the officer-“So many ideas, Daniel” He was losing his time because he was now handcuffed and in not in the good way. He needed to try one more time, Daniel was struggling and this was his chance.

“You know you look more like a male stripper than a cop” He leaned to whisper seductively right on the boy’s ear “Who doesn’t like a man in uniform? Me, I’ll die to see what’s under yours”

Daniel was losing it he was almost going to let Alec hide but in that moment a female officer entered completely destroying the moment. “Just one here officer?” she asked and Daniel moved away not without glancing towards Alec with regret.

“Just one”

Alec was dragged downstairs, but he didn’t look like he was just arrested. He walked confidently and smiled, like the king he was, like it didn’t matter at all. Being arrested wasn’t something uncommon in his circle, they would get in trouble but rarely, if ever have to pay the consequences.

Once outside he found a couple of others probably in his same position. Before getting into the car Daniel came.

            “So….mmm….I know this…is not the best situation…but…I was wondering if…” that sentence died in his lips as soon as he meet Alec’s eyes. He understood Alec’s intentions and he had been played and almost fall for it. Alec only smiled, but not a nice smile. It was a smile that said ‘REALLY? Did you buy that? Have you looked at me?’. instead he said, “You lost your chance”

The officer just blushed and walked to the other side, completely ashamed.

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“Hello?” a sleepy voice answered.

“Hey, Michael. I need your help” When I got to the precinct I knew exactly who I needed to call. Many people probably called their parents, but not me I called the family lawyer. Plus, Michael was probably used to the calls in the middle of the night or early morning from me. I tend to get in any kind of trouble.

“What did you get yourself into this time Alec?” He sounded angry, no not angry just tired. I briefly explained the charges and then I just had to wait for him to sort this out. Michael went to the station and paid the bail, and I was a free man again. At least, until the hearing, but that usually took a while. I didn’t have my car with me (the one that I took to the party, because I have more than one car obviously) so Michael gave me a ride to the house.

I never though as my house as my home after my siblings left. For me home was something meaningful, a place with love and were you can be yourself. If I ever find a place like that, it would be my home. For now though it was just a house, well more like a mansion but still.

We arrived at the south entrance. I almost never used the front door, in part because the south entrance is closer to the wing were my room is and mostly because I can avoid any encounter with my parents. I was about to leave when Michael’s hand stopped me.

 “Alec, how long are you going to keep this? Why do you want to destroy your life?”

I was taken aback, nobody talked to me like that. I wasn’t expecting this, no one seemed to care how I live my live. “I don’t want to destroy my life. It was an accident”

“The accident was to use drugs or to get caught?” I didn’t answer, I didn’t want to disappoint another person in my life. And, Michael was more a father to me than my parents ever were.

 “Alec, you have to stop. I know your parents have caused you all your pain, but you are better than them. You are so much better and maybe if I helped more your life could have been better”

“I don’t need your pity or guilt. I just live my life as it comes.” I was serious, if there was anything that I hated more than the disappointed look, was the pity one.

“Alec, I don’t know if you know this but, I know you are gay” I froze again in least than five hours and about the same thing. Well, now I was waiting for the look that would reduce me to nothing because I am nothing. However, Michael put a hand in my shoulder and said “I think it was very brave of you to tell your family and I hoped they have reacted different Alec. You are a marvelous person and you deserved way better than how they treated you. Don’t let them ruin your life. Be proud of who you are. I am proud of who you are, but I worry that if you follow this path you would destroy the real you”

I felt the tears in my eyes, but I wasn’t going to cry. Alec Lightwood doesn’t cry. However, I wanted to run away so before another thing was said I opened the door and stepped away.  “Thanks for bailing me out. See you at the hearing”

When I entered my room though I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time. Acceptance. After, the epic failure of coming out to my parents I never tried again. Izzy and Jace were the only others who knew back then… Moreover, I wasn’t allowed to tell I am gay. I was the dirty little secret of the Lightwood family. Later, I told a few people, like Lydia and others have guessed.  

That dawn Michael had given me something I also haven't had in a long time. Hope, hope that maybe one day I could stop hiding and just be myself.

--_________--

There was a knock in the door, but I didn’t feel like waking up, not yet at least. The door opened anyway and as soon as I heard the voice of the person that entered the room I stood up.

“Finally, you are up”
“Good morning sir” I have never referred to my father as dad or anything like that, not even when I was a kid. One part of me has always been afraid of Robert and his high expectations. This man could make me feel unworthy no matter how hard I used to try to make him proud.

“I talked to Michael. What the hell were you thinking Alexander? Drugs! Again! Seriously! You know this makes the family and the company look bad.”

“You don’t have to worry I would handle the situation, no one would find out”

“Alexander, are you trying to ruin this family? I give you everything you want. You have a generous bank account and I don’t control your expenses, and all I want is for you to behave”

“I am sorry sir. I will be more careful…” I was only saying what I thought my father wanted to hear. However, I was worried, my father usually didn’t care about my life. I can't even remember when was the last time we had a conversation outside a formal meal with clients or interviews. All of our conversations were for the public image. The Lightwoods a strong and united family, and so far from the truth.

“You are in trouble big time now Alec, and I warn you any more problems like this and I will disown you. Tell me Alec what are you going to do without my money? You are as void as all your friends. Rich kids that not once had have to work hard for something they want. You are privileged Alec, but don’t take my support for granted”

“It won't happen again sir”

After that Robert just turned around and left. I tried to ignore what he said, but I had been hearing that so often that I couldn’t remember when exactly I started believing it.

It was past noon and a rainy day, but I couldn’t shake of the feeling of disappointment so I changed his clothes, drove to a forest near their property and went for a run. Running always helped me clear my head or at least distract for a while. I felt free, I loved the smell of nature, the wind on my face and that there was not a trail, I could always make my own path. Moreover, the rain felt like it was washing away all my problems.

I felt better but when I reached my car again I was soaked wet and muddy (I kind of slipped once or twice). There was anything I could do, I was going to ruin the perfect seats of my car.

---__________---

            I entered my room and I was shivering. I wanted a long, warm bath, but there was someone there.

            “Alec, what happened to you?”

            “I went for a run. What are you doing here Jace? Aren’t you supposed to be at college?” I stood awkwardly I haven't seen Jace for a while and I really needed to take a shower or some dry clothes.

            “I came to visit, I had a couple of free days. I would hug you right now because I haven't see you in ages but I don’t want you ruining my clothes.” He laughed and the I laughed and just like that everything felt easier.

            “Give me ten minutes. I really want to take off these clothes” I realized how bad that sounded but it was too late.

            “Come on Alec I though you finally were over me, and know you want to make and striptease. I guess I am just not easy to forget” I just rolled my eyes. Jace knew he was my first crush and he would never let it go.

We stayed in my room talking about everything and anything. At some point, we were brought dinner and ice cream. It was like the old times, with Jace I could be myself. Well at least the truest to myself that I could be.