It was a dark and stormy night. I sit in my office alone clicking my pen. I can hear the rain come down hard onto the pavement. It’s heavy. Like my heart. Not after my wife died. I sob again into my papers. My assistant comes in. She sees me sobbing all over my papers. She yells at me. The papers are soaked :( I cry some more.It was the answer to finding out the notorious serial killer that killed forty five men and ate all their hands. He is now free. I leave the office feeling like a failure. As I walk along the sidewalk I notice an old house. That was where the serial killer hid. I walked inside. Maybe I could find new documents to bust the guy. This is the story of the Detective. Wannabe. That works at buzzfeed. Original character do not steal.
A woman stood beside me. She spooked the hell out of me. Not that she’ll know. I gave her a dead stare. She looked at me. She started panting. What the hell? It got harder. And harder. She screamed. Of ecstasy. Orgasmic sound waves rattled my ears and I heard a loud ringing noise. I had a blind migraine. I couldn’t see because of her miraculous orgasmic energy. I wanted to die U-U. I could see again when it was over. I gave her my best baffled expression. “Why?” My expression asked. She gave a curt shrug and walked off, fluid dripping between her legs.
That scenario never left my mind.
I walked back into the offices. My buzzfeed employees worked endlessly on their computers, going onto tumblr and deviantart, stealing other’s ideas and making it their own. Typical. But yet somehow legal. I make my way to my sanction’s desk, and I turn to my coworker. They primarily organize skits for buzzfeed unsolved. Maybe they’ll solve my ultimate mystery. Not the serial killer papers…. But the mysterious Orgasm-On-Command-Woman. Or we should call her, OOCW.
“Uggu? Detective Detective Wannabe!!” The twinkish lad Ryan crowed when he saw me.
“That’s my name,” I tip my fedora, and close my trenchcoat. I forgot to button it up earlier, but simply, this is mentioned because I had not mentioned I have a kick-ass trench coat.
The tall fellow, Shane, looked up, eyeing me up and down as if I was a threat. “And what did you want?” He asked.
“Forget the Mysterious Case Of r/IncelHeaven.” I say grimly, “But… I have an even better case.”
That seemed to have caught their attention.
“Last night…,” I start off, dramatically.
“If you were crying in your papers again, that’s no mystery.” The deadpan stare Shane had given me bore deep into my soul. And then a little deeper. And then just a tad bit deeper, like it wasn’t yet satisfied with the burrow it had dug. It was like his spirit connected with mine, and sensually licked the side of my spirit face.
“That’s not what we’re talking about!” I roar angrily, slamming my fist into his desk. It was a bit far away from me, so I had to go out of my way to slam, awkwardly maneuvering around him. “What I meant was, listen…. Last night, I walked into this house…. And… there was this lady…. And she orgasmed. Loudly. For no reason.”
“I believe that is the opposite of a problem for you, when was the last time you got any?” I could not believe how high Ryans’ eyebrow rose. It rocketed up and touched the ceiling.
“Got any what?” I ejaculated, innocently.
“Yanno. Any.” Ryans eyebrows were now doing an intimate dance across his forehead, like the tango, but less hispanic and way more intimate. Then, they formed into one mega eyebrow, like an ungodly child of Rick Sanchez’ unibrow, and waggled up and down. “You work at buzzfeed, yet you aren’t Hip With the Kids?”
“She was fully clothed, and orgasmed five seconds after I walked into the building. It lasted for two minutes. Then she just shrugged and walked away.” I explain.
“Talk about fast.” Shane muttered under his breath, after he sighed, he regained his composure. ”So what, you want us to go out, pound the ground and see what turns up? How many hookers do you think do this on a daily basis?”
“Actually, I think something like this happened to my great great step uncles’ twice removed sister in laws’ best friends dogs owners’ wifes’ fathers co-worker, who knew this guy who kNew THIS GUY whos aunts imaginary friends-”
“Get to the point, Jim.” I straighten my fedora. “I haven’t got all the time in the world to hear this Beta Uke rattle on.”
“My name isn’t Jim… U-U” He hangs his head down. “I’m trying to say that maybe this isn’t a mystery after all, you just can’t enjoy the Finer Things In Life”
“So, this really isn’t a mystery to you? Do hookers really do that on a daily basis? No contact, clothes on, orgasm? Do they yodel orgasmic energy like coyotes at night?”
He shuffled his feet. “Well… I mean you would know better than I, right?”
“Baka,” I growled confidently. “If I knew better than you, I wouldn’t be coming to you saying that this is a much needed investigation.”
They both exchanged glances, then nodded in unison.