Snoop Dogg arrived at the huge, unassuming building, a rollie hanging out of the side of his mouth. Concerned parents were ushering their children away from him, but he payed no attention and pulled a gleaming golden ticket out of his pocket. After waiting for a while, the massive grey doors were suddenly thrown open. The most beautiful man Snoop had ever seen stood behind them. Their eyes met for the briefest moment, until the purple-clad stranger tore his gaze from Snoop’s. ‘Welcome, welcome! My name is Willy Wonka, and this is my fantastical, magical, mystical factory!’ “He can give me his Willy any time he likes” thought Snoop.
As they began the tour, Snoop continued to smoke his blunt. He obviously didn’t know what was real and what was a hallucination, as he was as high as his dick when he stared at Willy for too long. The eccentric tour guide seemed to be avoiding Snoop, until he sauntered over while everyone else was marvelling at the Everlasting Gobstoppers. ‘Snoop Dogg, isn’t it?’ Asked Willy, extending his hand. ‘Yup’ Snoop lazily replied. ‘Any way you can make some everlasting kush?’ Willy laughed. ‘Maybe in the future, my friend.’ They chatted for an entire hour, the rest of the group was kept busy with the gobstoppers. Obviously. I mean, they last forever. Suddenly, Wonka’s entire manner changed. He called a small orange man over. ‘Oomp, finish the tour for me, will you? I have some business with Mr. Dogg.’
Before Snoop knew it, he was being pushed into a large room off to the side. ‘W-what are you doing, babe?’ Stuttered Snoop. ‘No homo tho-‘ he began, but before he could finish his sentence, Willy pulled him into a passionate kiss. ‘I want to wonka you all night long.’ He passionately whispered. Willy ripped off Snoop’s clothes, and began to make Sweet™ love to him.
Willy and Snoop didn’t speak for weeks after the tour, until Wonka got a call from an unknown number. ‘Willy Wonka of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, how can I help you?’ He answered. ‘Willy.’ The colour drained from Willy’s face. ‘S-Snoop? How are you?’ Snoop was a bottom that fateful day, and he was pregnant. They spoke for hours on the phone, and agreed to meet the following week.
Six months later, Willy and Snoop were married, and became Willy and Snoop Wonka-Dogg. They welcomed their beautiful non-binary baby into the world three months after the wedding. Dudebabe Kush Wonka-Dogg. Their life was perfect.
Twenty years passed. Dudebabe was receiving a Nobel Prize. Snoop and Willy watched proudly as they accepted their prize for Everlasting Weed. A single tear rolled down Snoop’s face as he saw the light of his life with those beautiful little vials of dope, and his arm wrapped tightly around the love of his life. Snoop would forever be at peace.