After what I had done, what I had to do, my trembling hands and erratic heartbeat were the least of my worries. No, it was my actions which tasted like a bitter pill that claimed all of my attention as it's own. As well as the taste of the man's release, salty on my tongue.
At that point, I felt too filthy, too dirty to comprehend my rising panic. No matter how many times I've done this, I could never get used to the utter disgust that plagued my mind afterwords. It was my life and I hated it.
I managed to stand on my feet, biting down a whimper from the pain in my jaw. I couldn't, wouldn't look in his direction. It was too much. Without looking I could tell he had a fucked out, shit eating grin on his face, before his words breached through my thoughts.
"Thanks baby girl, you were a nice treat. A very nice one indeed. Maybe I'll see about coming back here in a few days. If the mouth is that good for that price, I can't imagine how tight your cunt must be. Good."
He nodded and I walked away from him, coughing as softly as I could so I didn't offend the man. And in that moment, I felt cheap. Defeated. It hit me then that this was the beginning of something terrible. I wasn't okay, I was never okay. I wasn't safe here.
I walked as fast as I dared back into my room, closing the door firmly before the tears started to fall.
Tremors racked my body and I felt a sharp pain in my thigh. My nails dug into my soft flesh, drawing a startling amount of blood. I gasped out loud, immediately snatching my hands away from the wounds.
"F-fuck! What the fuck did I-"
Clutching my head in my hands I begged whatever god that would listen for help. A way out of the mess that I had singlehandedly brought on to myself. The panic attacks, the shortness of breathe and the lack of love I had for myself was all too much. But it was real. Everything was so real.
I crashed, then. Allowing all of my frustrations to pour out of me as I sobbed in hopeless abandon. The screams coming from my lips barely sounded human. They had probably alerted some of the men and women that still sat in my living room that the whore they had fucked, sucked, and came on wasn't okay.
My raw cries were nothing compared to the agony inside of me. I chose this. I did this to myself, and I would never be the same again because of the absolute shit life choices I made.
Suddenly the urge to puke grew and I barely missed my bed before I let it go. Everything I had eaten and swallowed in the past few hours came rushing back up. As I emptied my stomach onto the floor a frenzied, loud knock sounded on the door.
". . .Y/N."
I snapped up immediately. All of my sickness and pain was forgotten as soon as I heard his voice. Master. A tough, ruthless man with a penchant for punishing his girls. Should we ever decide to go against him, even in the smallest of ways.
To say that I was scared, would be the understatement of the century. Shakily rising to my feet, I hastily wiped at the corners of my mouth. Not that it mattered much, either way.
He was very particular on professionalism. No girl of his would be caught dead breaking out into such a tantrum. Especially knowing what the man was capable of. I knew this, and yet here I was. My mind was still hazy when I walked over to the door and opened it slowly. Ever so slowly, bracing myself for what happened next.
Clearing my throat, I answered
And before I knew it I was pushed down onto my knees, a terrible grip on my h/c hair forced my head back. I looked up at him, gaze locked onto his nose. We were told that eye contact was a special privilege only respectable members of society and customers received. Never cunts like us.
I cleared my throat as I waited for him to speak. To lash out and hurt me as he'd done before. But. . .there was nothing. No blows landed on my body. He held me there for what seemed like ages. Until finally, there was a break.
"I've made it quite clear, multiple times now, that whatever personal demons you may have should be dealt with privately, haven't I? Y/N, you've been testing my patience more and more these days."
He paused to adjust his grip on my hair, before he continued.
"This has to stop somewhere, you know. I've given you chances, tried to help you, haven't I?"
When I said nothing his jaw tightened, and he growled.
"I said, I've tried to help you, haven't I? Haven't I given you nice things? I've fed you, kept you safe, clothed you. Haven't I tried to keep you happy? Well, as happy as someone like you could be. I did, didn't I?"
There was a certain danger in his eyes that caused me to shift a bit, blinking and nodded my head rapidly. No reason for me to anger him more than he already was at that point. No matter how calm he appeared to be.
"Now then, why do you act this way? Is it for my attention? No, that can't be it. Because if you've been acting like a particularly nasty bitch lately, for my attention, I'd have to hurt you. Is that what you want me to do? You want me to hurt you?"
Swallowing I shook my head as hard as I could, without dislodging his fingers from their perch. Although I didn't dare to meet his eyes. The panic that I had felt earlier on had already worn off, leaving a dull soreness behind. It wasn't over, would probably never be over but I knew better than this. To let myself go and break down as if I didn't have an image that I needed to uphold.
He sighed in frustration and finally allowed some of the fire to burst into his words.
"What a mess. What are we going to do about this? You say it wasn't for my attention and yet I can't fathom why you would feel the need to act this was in the first goddamn-"
There was a pause, as his voice was getting louder by the second and he probably didn't want to cause even more of a fuck up. At least not today. He yanked me to my feet and practically threw me back to my bed. I steadied myself. Knowing what was coming next. What could I do? Run? He'd catch me and kill me. And if not him some of the other sons and daughters of cunts and bitches that I work with would be after me in an instant.
"Look at the mess you made. Your skin, your beautiful s/c skin. You've fucked up, this time, I think. You'd better hope you heal before Boss gets back. Fuck Y/N, you really know how to rile a man up, don't you? You filthy, sick bitch. I don't have the time to punish you for your stupidity as of now."
Another pause as he ran his finger down the side of my face. I tried as hard as I could not to flinch away from him. The gesture meant one thing; the fucker wanted my mouth. I swallowed down the bile that had risen once again, and sank down.
"Always so eager to please, aren't you? You sicken me. Just looking at you and knowing what you've done to over hundreds of people makes my skin crawl. I can't begin to imagine what sorts of diseases you have in that disgusting mouth of yours. Makes me wonder, should I even allow you to suck my cock?"
An eyebrow raise. He was waiting for me to beg him. After all of the degrading shit that he spewed out of his mouth, he'd never stop abusing his power and taking what he wanted from me. I was his favorite. Another fucking privilege that I should be lucky to have, according to the brainwashed pieces of shit I lived with.
". . . Sir. Please. Please use my mouth for your pleasure. I promise I'm clean. I have no diseases. You made sure of that. You protect me."
Bringing myself closer to his body I pressed a kiss onto the material of his jeans. A cheap pair that he loved wearing around me because he didn't want to waste his "good shit on a whore" like me. I couldn't take much more of this. I needed to get out. Which was impossible. I know this. Because when you leave, you either get a complimentary bullet or a nice slash of a blade to take with you as a souvenir. Pretty fucked.
". . .Mm. A little less enthusiastic than usually, but seeing the state you're in right now, I'll let it pass. This time. Don't try this shit again because I swear I won't hesitate to ship your ass back to Benji's so fucking fast your ugly little head would spin. You were always his prized possession. Hm."
'Fucking get on with it!'
I scream in my head. He was playing with me. And in the state I was in currently my mind couldn't take it. This needed to happen so I could regroup and find myself again. The attacks and mental deterioration needed to stop quickly. Before I ended up dead, different pieces of my body floating in the river. I relaxed my jaw and let my mouth droop open, coyly gazing up at his belt buckle. Allowing a small, sensual whine escape.
". . .Shit. You're aching for it. What, the 20 you've had today not enough to satisfy your craving is it? Should I add more to your list from now on? Hm. That can wait for another day, sweet little cunt. Now get on with it. Suck my dick and make me forgive you. I might not though. You probably just cost me a nice sum of money, with the shit you pulled. So come on, swallow me down now."
His pants came down and I got to work. When the moans began filling the air, only then did I allow myself to drift away.