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I don't want you

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"I don't want to be with him anymore.. I just.. don't know how to tell him without breaking his heart.." Dean said as he sat on the couch and sipped his beer.

"Dean.. how long have you been feeling this way?" Cas, their best friend of three years, asked as he turned his full attention to Dean.

"I don't know.. a month or two.. it doesn't really matter because... I am basically stuck with him. This feeling isn't going to go away, Cas, it just isn't.." Dean said as he chugged his beer and stood up to get another one. Cas sighed softly as he looked at Dean, his gaze turned towards Sam, who was behind Dean. "Dean.." Cas began to say before Dean cut him off.

"Cas.. I have tried everything okay? I tried pushing him away but it isn't helping, fuck, I've even cut off sex in hopes of Sam just leaving me alone but it doesn't work Cas!" Dean yelled, making Sam flinch back, Sam bit his lip as he stayed in his spot, frozen.

"Dean.." Cas tried again, seeing Sam hurt upon hearing Dean's confession.

"No Cas! I don't want to be with Sam anymore! I just... I don't want him anymore.. I just want to go back to having one night stands and not worry about anniversaries or girly crap like that.." Dean said as he rubbed his face, he turned around and finally saw Sam on the verge of tears.

"Sammy.."

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 "So uhm... I found out I'm a carrier Dean.." His voice quivered softly. "And uhm.. I uh.. I'm pregnant.." Sam said softly, so hurt and so broken, making Dean want to hug him and make the pain go away but he restrained himself. "Wait.. you're pregnant?" Dean asked with a frown. There was no way he was the father, the last time he touched Sam that way was about two months ago. Dean frowned some more and then chuckled lightly. "Wait.. is this your pathetic attempt of keeping me tied down to you?" Dean asked bitterly. "Because I'm telling you one thing Sam, I meant what I said, I don't want to be with you anymore and if you think a kid is going to change that, boy are you wrong. I don't want you or that kid. I  don't want kids. wait.. no, I want kids, I just don't want you fathering them." He said bitterly.

"Dean!" Cas yelled at Dean, ready to rip him a new one but Sam stopped him. "Cas.. it's.. it's okay." He said as he smiled lightly at Cas and then looked at Dean, he swallowed the lump in his throat, taking Dean's words in. "It isn't a pathetic way to keep you tied down, Dean. I just.. I found out today, and I was coming home to.." Dean cut him off. "To what Sam? To surprise me? Did you really think I was going to leap joy?To say, hey man, yes! We're gonna be daddies!" He mocked bitterly as he glared at Sam.

"You aren't special Sam." He snarled angrily. "You might have been Yellow Eyes' special king boy, but you aren't special, you're far from special." He said as he glared at him. "Get rid of that abomination.." He pointed to Sam's stomach and then looked at him, dead in the eyes. "Or get out of my life.. for good." He said as he walked away from Sam, bumping into his shoulder, to make his message more clear.

Sam stumbled a bit when Dean bumped into him. "Sam.. he.. He didn't mean any of that, it just took him by surprise. Give him some time to let it all sink in, okay?" Cas said, trying to comfort Sam as best as he could. Sam wiped the tears he didn't notice he was shedding as he looked at Cas. "No, Cas.. He.. He meant it.." He said as he shook his head. "I'm so stupid.." He mumbled as he made his way to what used to be his and Dean's shared room. He began to pack a bag, making sure to only take his valuables and some clothes. "Just keep him out of trouble, okay Cas?" Sam told Cas as he zipped his bag and looked at Cas, who nodded. "You know I will." Cas said as he offered him a soft smile. Sam took a deep breath as he looked at the room one last time and walked out of Dean's life.. for good..

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Dean was at the local bar, shooting back his fifth shot when he saw Cas come towards him. "Did he leave?" Dean asked, Cas nodded. "Yeah, he did.. couple minutes ago. You can still catch him and apologise." Cas told him, earning a bitter laugh from Dean. "Apologise? Cas, I'm free! No more Sam." He said as he grinned. "No more worrying if I missed an anniversary or if I have to go back home to Sam pestering me for sex." He said as he shot back his sixth shot. Cas sighed softly as he looked at Dean. "Dean.. what's really going on?" He asked as he cut him off, taking Dean by the arm and took him out of the bar. "Nothing is wrong." Dean said as he followed Cas. "Sam chose that thing over me, just like always." He said as he leaned against the impala. Cas frowned. "What did you expect him to do? Get rid of your child?"

Dean got up in Cas' face. "That thing isn't mine!" He yelled bitterly. "How can you say that!?" Cas yelled back as he glared at Dean, shoving him. "Because Cas! When have the Winchesters ever had good luck when it came to family?! Who's to say that that thing won't be the antichrist or something?! I mean.. Our mom was killed because of our luck..  Sam was Yellow Eyes' Golden boy for crying out loud!" Dean yelled as he leaned against the impala. "God knows what the hell that thing is or what it can do.. Sam should just get rid of it instead of hoping got the best."

Cas looked at Dean. "Dean.. what is wrong? Come on, I'm your best friend, talk to me.." He pleaded. Dean looked at Cas. "Cas.. I screwed up Sam, so bad, he thinks he is in love with me.. What makes me so sure that I won't fuck up things with this thing? That that thing won't lust after me or I won't lust after it? I mean.. Sam lusted after me because of the way I raised him.. and look what that got him.. a single parent because his brother didn't want to man up and do the right thing.. which.. I have no clue what it is anymore.." He said as he opened the door and got in. "Dean.. come on.. you need to tell Sam how you feel.." Cas said softly as he approached the car. "I can't Cas.. this isn't just about me and Sam anymore.. besides.. He made his choice. He chose to leave me." Dean said, angering Cas. "He left because you gave him no choice!" Cas yelled. "He left because you practically kicked him out! What did you expect him to do?! Okay Dean, let me get rid of our child and let's go back to being brothers because you can't stand me?!" He yelled as he glared at Dean.

Dean got out of the car and punched Cas. "Damn right that's what he should have done! I at least deserve that! I have done nothing but look after him and he couldn't do this one thing for me?!" He yelled back as he kept throwing punches at Cas. "Shows how grateful that ungrateful asshole is!" He yelled as he kicked Cas' ribs. Cas got up and tackled Dean to the floor. "How dare you ask him to get rid of your child! How dare you ask Sam to commit the sickest of sins there is!" Cas yelled as he glared at Dean. Dean glared back at Cas. "Because I don't want my kid to have demon blood running thru its veins! Because I want my kid to be normal not some psychic freak! I don't want my kid to be like Sam with weird powers or like Missouri who sees the future! Or worse.. a fucking witch!" Dean yelled as he shoved Cas off of him and stood up on his feet. "Its so fucked up in so many ways but god.. Cas, I hate psychics and witches.. what if that thing is one of them or worse!" He said as he rubbed his face. "I just.. I really hope that thing is dead before its born.."

Cas looked at Dean, shocked. "Dean.. you don't mean that.. Can you imagine the pain your brother will be in if he were to lose that child?" Dean scoffed as he shook his head. "Stop calling it a child! It's a monster!" Cas scoffed. "No Dean.. you're the monster here.. not that innocent child.." He said and walked away from Dean, leaving him alone in the lot of the bar.

 

Dean rubbed his face once more before going back into the bar and got himself drunk.

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After Sam had left Dean, or rather, after Dean had dumped him aside, Sam decided to settle down in San Diego, Cali. He had wanted to go back to Palo Alto but went against it for various reasons, one of them including his late college girlfriend, Jess. It had been hard for Sam to deal with his pregnancy alone, especially when he heard AJ's heartbeat for the first time, how he wished Dean was there, or when she kicked for the first time. Sam couldn't count on his hands anymore how many times he cried himself to sleep, how many times he wanted to pick up the phone and call his brother. He wanted Dean to be by his side every milestone during his pregnancy, but Dean didn't want him or their child, he made that very clear.

During his seventh month of pregnancy, Sam managed to get a job at the public library as a librarian. It wasn't his ideal job but it got bills paid, he also managed to go back to college, this time to get a degree in teaching. He even made a new friend, Charlie, who offered him a place to stay while he got back on his feet. Life was somewhat okay for Sam, that was until he went into labor during his eighth month of his pregnancy. Sam was thankful that Charlie was with him every step of the way, but after 12 hours of pain, Alyssa Joy Winchester was born, he wished Dean was by his side, sharing the joy of welcoming their child into the world. That night, Sam spoke to his daughter about her other daddy, making whatever excuse came to mind for his absence. He wanted to call up Dean to let him know about their daughter'arrival but he chickened out various times.

Two years later..

Sam unblucked his baby daughter from the car seat and place her down next to him "Alright AJ, ready to go shopping with daddy?" He asked his daughter as he looked at her and booped her nose, making AJ giggle, "yay!" she exclaimed as she bounced her feet while Sam pushed the cart inside the store after locking his car. "Alright AJ, where to first? Meats or dairy?" AJ furrowed her brows in concentration as she pointed to the milk aisle. "Milk!" She exclaimed as she clapped her hands, making Sam chuckle as he pushed the cart to the milk section, holding AJ's hand as he walked with her through the store, placing their items inside their cart.

Dean was driving through California for a hunt, he pulled into the supermarket to stock up on road food, he usually stocked up at the nearest gas station but he was good on gas and the market was closer. He parked and stepped out, making his way inside. He grabbed a basket and began to fill it up with snacks, from chips to soda. He was about to check out when a soft whimper caught his attention, he looked through the aisles until he found a small baby girl. "Hey there cutie.." He said cautiously as to not scare the baby girl, AJ looked up at the stranger, rubbing her eyes as she pouted, "are you lost?" The man asked as he approached her, he crouched to her level, when the baby girl whimpered again, Dean couldn't help but picked her up. "Alright, let's go find your momma." He said as he rubbed her back in a soothing way. AJ sucked on her thumb as she looked around the store for her daddy with the man.

Sam was frantically looking for AJ, panic plastered all over his face as he kept looking. He turned his back for one second to ask the grocer a question, apparently that was enough for AJ to run off. "AJ?!" He called out, ignoring the stares from the other parents. "AJ! Where are you?" He called out as he kept going aisle through aisle. God, what kind of parent was he if he couldn't keep AJ safe? If he couldn't keep an eye on her? No wonder Dean dropped his ass, it was a miracle Dean had kept his ass for so long. Sam shook the thoughts out of his head, now wasn't the time to think about Dean.. Sam was on the verge of tears when he heard his baby girl, "daddy!" she exclaimed as she wiggled out of the man's arms and ran towards Sam, Sam ran towards her, grabbing her and hugged her tightly. "Don't ever do that again, AJ." He told her as he gave her a soft squeeze, kissing the top of her head. "Sowwy.." She said softly, hiding her head in his neck.

Sam sighed a sigh of relief and then looked towards the stranger to thank them, only to have the words caught in his throat when he saw his ex lover in front of him. Dean had watched the interaction between the baby girl and his brother, he couldn't believe his eyes. He looked between his brother and the little girl, taking in her features, she had big eyes like Sam's but they were green like his, she had freckles on her cheeks and had Dean's nose. Realization hit him like a ton of bricks, the baby girl was his daughter.. He gaped like a fish, no words coming out. "Thanks.. for um.. thanks for helping her find me.." Sam said softly after the shock wore off briefly, Dean had barely heard the words. Sam looked at Dean, wanting to say more, but he went against it. Sam gave his brother a soft smile, as he walked away from him, keep a solid grip on AJ.

Dean's shock wore off after he watched his brother walk away from him. "Wait.. Sammy!" He called out as he walked towards his brother, he instantly regretted using Sam's nickname when he saw Sam's bitch face. "Its Sam.." Sam said coldly. Ouch.. okay, maybe Dean deserved the cold shoulder from Sam and more. "Right.. sorry.." Dean said as he cleared his throat. "Uhm.. is.. she's beautiful.." Dean said as he pointed at AJ. Sam looked at Dean and then at AJ. "Thanks.." He said as he placed her in the cart seat. "What's her name? I heard AJ but I mean.. what does it stand for?" Dean asked as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Sam scoffed as he shook his head, he pushed the cart towards the cashier lane. "What do you care?" He asked coldly as he began to put the items on the belt, Dean flinched slightly. "Okay.. you're mad.." He said as he looked at Sam. "But come on Sammy.. I'm her other father, I deserve to know her name."

Sam laughed bitterly as he shook his head. He looked at Dean, "Its Sam and you have no idea how mad I am. As for knowing her full name, you lost that privilege the second you told me to get rid of her." He said through his teeth. Dean rubbed his face as he placed his items on the belt too. "Sam.. come on, I just.." He sighed softly as he got a paper and pen, writing down his number and handed it to Sam. "I'm in town for a couple days. I want to get to know my daughter.. please call me.. If not for me.. at least do it for her. She has a right to know her other father.." Dean said as he shoved the paper into Sam's front pocket when Sam wouldn't take it. Sam shook his head. "She knows plenty.." He mumbled to himself as Dean paid for his and Sam's items.

Sam pushed the cart out to his car after thanking Dean for the groceries. "Sam.." Dean called out as he caught up with them again. Sam looked at Dean, as he unlocked his car. "What?" He asked as he grabbed AJ and placed her in her car seat, buckling her up and began to load the bags into the back. Dean looked at his brother, taking in his beauty. AJ may have Dean's eyes and freckles but she got her beauty from Sam. "What do you mean she knows plenty?" Dean asked as he looked at his daughter. Sam closed the back door and then slid the door closed on AJ's side. "It means she knows you bailed on her because of her other father, you got nothing against her, only against me because I forced you into something you never wanted." Sam said as he looked at Dean and then gave him a tight smile. "Don't worry Dean, you aren't the bad guy in this story, I am." He said as he got inside his car. "I'll call you around 7 after my shift is over." Sam said, not giving Dean a chance to say something.

Dean sighed softly as he watched his brother drive off. Sam really hated his guts, and he didn't blame him one bit but.. that wasn't going to stop him from trying to make it up to him. He wanted to be in his daughter's life and if making up with Sam was something that was going to allow him to do that, he'd do it.

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Sam placed the bags inside the house, he sent his daughter to her room while he got her snack ready. He placed the groceries away and then called Cas. "Hello?" Cas answered after hearing his phone ring. "Hey Cas.., it's me, Sam." Sam said as he took some apples and began to slice them up after putting Cas on speaker. "Hey Sam, how's it going?" The mutual friend asked as he cleared his throat. "Dean found us.. did.. did you tell him where I was located?" Sam asked as he kept slicing more fruit and placing them in a bowl. "Uh.. define telling him... I gave him a hunt near where you lived but I didn't think he would find you." Cas said softly. "Cas.. he saw her.. and now.. now he wants to be in her life like if he hadn't asked me to get rid of her 2 years ago.." Sam said as he rubbed his face after finishing slicing up the fruit. "I understand you're still in pain but Sam, Dean is her father, as much of a jerk that he was, he is your brother and ex lover, he deserves a chance to get to know his daughter, just like AJ deserves to know who her other father is.." Cas advised, hoping Sam would take it without a fight.

Sam groaned. "I know he does and I know she does too but what if he hurts her Cas? What if his intentions aren't true?" He asked, panicking a bit. Cas detected the panic in Sam's voice, "Sam? Take a few deep breathes for me please. You're going to give yourself a panic attack." He said as calmly as he could. Sam nodded even though Cas couldn't see him, he took 3 deep breathes and then exhaled softly. "What do I do Cas?" He asked, "I don't want him in her life if he is just going to hurt her.." Cas understood where Sam was coming from, Dean had been the biggest jerk to him, "What if you spoke to him first? Before he meets your little girl formally? Get to know his true intentions and.. maybe talk about what went wrong in your relationship, fix things if you guys can." He advised.

Sam chuckled lightly. "Cas... There is no fixing things. He just wants to be around for her.. I am okay with that so.. I'll talk to him, I'll see if his heart is in the right place.." He said softly, "As for fixing things.. I don't think we can fix what he damaged so badly Cas.." He said sadly. "Maybe you guys can, give him a chance to explain why he was so cruel.. I know it won't change anything Sam, but it may give you the closure you need to be able to finally move on.." Cas said softly, "Maybe you guys can try again, for the sake of your daughter.."

Sam shook his head. "No Cas, I'm not going to give my daughter and myself false hopes.. I can't get trap Dean in something he never wanted in the first place just so that my daughter can have her fake perfect family. I can't hurt her like that if things don't work out between Dean and me." Cas sighed softly. "Sam, you gotta try.." "No Cas.. I am not trying anything.. look, I'll talk to Dean, see why he wants to be in her life after 2 years and that's it. I'll keep you updated with anything. Okay? Bye Cas.." Sam said as he disconnected the call. He took a deep breath and then took the fruit bowl up to AJ's room.

When 7 rolled around, Sam was sitting on his couch, staring at the number on the paper. He had phoned Charlie earlier to take AJ with her for a couple of hours while he spoke to Dean alone. He fidgeted with the paper before dialing Dean's number. "Go for Dean." Dean answered after a few rings. "Its Sam.." Sam said when he heard his brother's voice. Dean smiled softly when he heard Sam's voice. "Hey Sammy, I'm glad you called." Dean said, "can I come over and see her?"

"Call me Sammy one more time Dean and I swear I'll scratch Baby up." He growled and then cleared his throat to calm down a bit. "Anyway.. I  was hoping we could talk first.." Sam said as he scratched his neck. "Talk? About what? Sam, I just want to see my daughter not get back together. I'm sorry I gave you that impression, kiddo." Dean said with a soft chuckle. Sam frowned. "Kiddo? Really?" He said as he shook his head. "I don't want to talk about us.. I mean, I do but not because I wanna get back together, 'cause I don't. I'd hate for you to feel so trapped in something you never wanted." Sam said a bit harsh than he had intended to. Dean flinched at Sam's words. "Sam, That's not...." Sam's dry chuckle cut him off. "That's not how you felt Dean? Is that what you're gonna say?" Sam said angry as he got off his couch, holding his phone to his ear as he paced the floor angrily. Dean rubbed his face, maybe talking isn't such a bad idea. "Okay Sam.. I get you're angry.. so let's talk." He said, "Should I meet you somewhere or go to your house?" Sam laughed dryly. "Angry doesn't even begin to explain how I feel." He said and then bit his lip as he looked around his house. If they were going to talk, it would be better if they did it indoors and in private rather than with an audience. "My house.." Sam said, "Got paper and pen to write down the address?" Dean nodded as he said yes and wrote down the address his brother gave him. "I'll be there in 20 mins." Dean said, his brother nodding on the other line and disconnected the call, grabbing his jacket and keys, making his way to the house.

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Once Dean arrived at Sam's place, he made his way to the door and knocked. Sam opened the door and moved to the side to let Dean in, Dean made his way inside, shrugging off his jacket as he hung it on what he assumed was a coat hanger. "Nice place you got here Sammy." Dean said as he looked around, he saw AJ's timeline of photos on a wall. He groaned when Sam punched his shoulder. "It's Sam." Sam said with a glare. "Right.. Sam.." Dean said as he rubbed his shoulder, walking into the living room with Sam. "Want some water or soda?" Sam asked as he went to the kitchen. "Water is fine" Dean said as he stood in front of a picture featuring a dimple smiling Sam holding a tooth grinning baby AJ.

Sam gave Dean a water bottle and then cleared his throat. "So.. you wanna explain why you were such a jerk to me or why the sudden change of heart?" Sam asked in a harsh tone as he looked at his brother. Dean took a big sip of his water and then set it down on the small coffee table. He rubbed his hands together as he looked at Sam, "First of all Sam.. I am so sorry I was such a jerk to you.. You didn't deserve that from me.." Dean began to say. "It's just.. you gotta understand Sammy.. Sam.." He quickly corrected when he saw Sam's clenched fist ready to strike. "Understand what Dean? That you didn't love me anymore? That you felt so trapped in our relationship that instead of coming to talk to me about it, you said so many horrible things behind my back to Cas?!" Sam yelled, keeping his voice as steady as he could. He was still hurting and talking wasn't helping him at all.

Dean could see that Sam was hurting, he wanted to hug his brother but decided against it, knowing Sam wouldn't take the gesture kindly. "I handled it wrong Sam, believe me.. Cas never let me forget it once since you've been gone.." "Good." Sam said as he kept glaring at Dean. Dean sighed as he took a seat on the couch, he rubbed his face, holding his forehead with his hands leaning on his knees. "Look Sam.. the reason why I felt so trapped and why I was such a jerk to you is because.. I never wanted to be in a relationship with you.." He said softly, Sam almost missed the confession. Sam frowned as he looked at his brother, confusion rose at him. "I'm sorry.. did you just say you never wanted to date me?" He asked, making sure he understood Dean correctly.

Dean nodded. "No. I didn't.." He said as he looked at Sam. Sam looked at his brother shocked, his face morphed into guilt. "Then why did you say yes?!" Sam asked angrily as his glare grew. "Because you kept asking me! You wouldn't leave me alone ever since we got really drunk and I kissed you.. You thought I wanted you that way because of the kiss, and well.. I couldn't say no to you.." Dean said as he fidgeted with his water bottle. Sam scoffed as he shook his head, he stood up as he ran a hand through his hair. "So, you never wanted me that way.." He said as he shook his head. "What about when we were intimate? All those iloveyous.. all those compliments you gave me..?" Sam asked as he looked back at his brother.

Dean sighed as he looked up at his brother, "I never once lied about loving you Sam, I mean.. yeah, I love you as a brother Sam.. but that's it.. nothing more, nothing less.." He said as he looked away from Sam. "As for the compliments.. I pretended you were my ex boyfriend.." He said softly. Sam frowned confused. "You're what?" Dean took a deep breath, exhaling as he looked at Sam. "I was dating someone else while I was with you.. every time I was in bed with you, I pretend I was in bed with him.." Sam looked at Dean, he swallowed softly as his eyes teared up. "Wow.." He said softly as he rubbed his mouth, he wiped his eyes as he chuckled dryly. "That's.." He couldn't form words as he paced the floor. "Sam.. I'm so sorry.." Dean said as he stood up and looked at his brother pacing.

Sam shook his head, he sniffled softly as he avoided eye contact with Dean. He felt so stupid for thinking Dean ever wanted him that way. "What made you want to be in her life?" Sam asked hoarsely. Dean looked at Sam, he hated seeing his brother so hurt. He wanted to wrap him in his arms and make things better but he couldn't. He was the reason why Sam was in so much pain. "She's my daughter Sam.." He began to say, he flinched when Sam slapped his hand down on the coffee table, almost breaking it. "No Dean! She's mine! You never wanted her or me!" He yelled gravelly. "Whoa! Hey! It was you I never wanted, Sam!" Dean yelled, quickly regretting the words when he saw Sam's tears. "Sam.. I didn't.." Sam wiped his tears as he shook his head. "No, it's.." It's what? Okay? No, this was never going to be okay.. Sam thought to himself. "Why do you want her now? Where were you 2 years ago?" Sam asked as he tried to compose himself.

Dean scratched his neck. "I tried looking for you, Cas didn't want to help me.. He kept telling me that this was something I needed to fix on my own." Dean said. "So, I began searching for you, I asked every hunter out there, no one knew where you were." He said as he sighed. "I know I missed 2 years of her life, time that I will never get back but Sam, come on.. I am here now, I want to be in her life. Dad was never there for us and that's a shitty excuse but.. please.. please let me be in her life.." Dean begged his brother as he looked at him, noticing that Sam wouldn't look at him. Sam cleared his throat. "Why should I? What makes me so sure you won't hurt her?"

"Sam, if I wanted to hurt her, I would have the second I knew she was mine back that grocery store." Dean said as he chuckled lightly, trying to lighten up the mood. He saw that he failed and cleared his throat. "Look, I get that you don't trust me so how about you supervise my visits until you can trust me?" Sam nodded softly. "Yeah, okay.." He said, wanting to end Dean's visit already. He just wanted to go to his bed and cry himself to sleep. Dean smiled big. "Great. Can I see her now?" Dean asked as he looked around the house for her. "Um.. do you think you can wait until tomorrow?" Sam asked as he looked at his brother briefly. Dean's smile flattened. "Why tomorrow?" "Because she is with Charlie tonight.." Sam said as he crossed his arms. "Okay, can't you call this Charlie guy and have him bring her over?" Dean asked with a frown.

Sam sighed as he glared at Dean. "Charlie is a girl and no, she can't bring her over now." He said angrily. "You want to see her? Come back tomorrow at 9am." Sam said as he began to shove Dean out the door with his jacket. "I've had a long day and I need to lay down so.. goodnight Dean." Sam said, about to close the door in Dean's face but Dean held it open with his hand. "Sam.." Dean said softly, Sam looked at Dean, his eyes watery. "I'll call you tomorrow Dean.." Sam brittle softly, closing the door when Dean let his hand fall. Sam slid down the door after he closed it, hugging his knees as he cried.