The avengers all knew the black widow was a frightening assassin and each had avoided pissing off Natasha knowing what she was capable of. She seemed to know everything whether it happened in their home or even things from before they met. Even Loki had stopped underestimating the woman when he had made a snappy comment towards her in a dead language he knew and she had answered back in a chilling tone. The god had been shocked speechless and Tony was pretty sure he’d heard the two either trying to kill each other or having really loud and hot sex in Natasha’s room not even half an hour later. He was almost certain it was a combination of the two things when Loki emerged four hours later with still healing wounds and a satisfied smile on his face. Either way the avengers didn’t underestimate the black widow. Of course villains never seemed to consider what she was capable of.
Proof of this was when the avengers were called out by Fury saying that Natasha hadn’t checked in when she was suppose to. They had all gone suited up and ready for anything but clearly they hadn’t prepared enough. They arrived at the location only to find Natasha sitting atop a mountain of corpses as she blew on her recently painted nails. The woman was dressed like she’d been going out on a fancy date and there had to be at least fifty corpses. They weren’t even sure where she’d gotten the blue nail polish as it was clear she didn’t even have a weapon on her.
“How?” Steve asked looking at the bodies of each very heavily armed people (he would have said men except for the fact the bodies were to bloody or mangled to even tell the gender of some).
“Just doing my job, you guys took too long. I had this done in three minutes.”
The only thing the group could do was watch as the very attractive assassin walked towards the quinjet already talking about wanting to go home to make her toenails match the blue on her nails.
There was a very good reason the avengers did not underestimate the black widow.
2 Bucky and Clint
“How the hell is there a dragon in central park? Seriously how is this my life?” Tony asked over the coms.
“Dragons are the most dangerous of foes. Even in Asgard many warriors have fallen against the beasts.” Thor said having managed for once not to zap his com.
“Yes, even Thor and I have not managed yet to face a dragon. We have sought warriors worthy to help us hunt one but it appears even the warriors three and Lady Sif are to cowardly to face such a creature.” Loki said sounding amused probably because he didn’t like the warrior friends Thor hung out with and slightly disappointed clearly wanting to hunt a dragon.
The call had come in five minutes before saying a dragon was burning down central park and attacking people. The avengers minus Bucky and Clint who were out doing whatever it was snipers did, had suited up and headed out in the quinjet.
“Even I don’t know how this happened.” Natasha said while the two gods stared shocked speechless at the scene in front of them.
Bucky and Clint were cooking what appeared to be a steak of dragon meat over a fire. There was no sign of the dragon from literally five minutes before other than the carefully carved, deboned, and descaled steaks of dragon meat and a pile of stripped clean dragon bones.
“What’s up guys?” Bucky asked turning over the steak he was cooking.
“You guys want some dragon?”
“It took us only five minutes to get here. How the hell did you guys kill a dragon?” Tony snapped.
“Clint never misses and I’m a badass assassin, how the fuck do you think we killed it?” Bucky countered clearly not understanding how they didn’t know how they’d killed a dragon.
Half the avengers were almost certain they had gone insane long ago and just simply didn’t realize it yet. Either way they ate the cooked and very tender dragon meat. None of them even bothered to pay attention when apparently the two gods decided regardless of a public setting (no one was even nearby so who cared, sure doom bots attack the city everyone stands by to watch but oh no a motherfucking dragon attacks and everyone runs for the hills) decided to fuck the two snipers because apparently hunting, killing, and cooking a mythological creature was foreplay in Asgard.
So the avengers all had an idea of who the man behind Captain America was. They hadn’t been proven wrong yet and they lived with the guy. Apparently surprises were everywhere including inside Steve Rogers aka America’s golden boy aka ninety year old blushing virgin aka national icon.
They had an unusually long mission that had even the two demi-gods falling asleep as Fury went on and on trying to force them to debrief on what happened. Bruce was already dead to the world and drooling all over the table. Even Natasha looked surprised by the impressive pool forming. Clint had already been forced to move seats to avoid it reaching him. Steve had tried five times already to politely request they be allowed to rest before they did debriefing but Fury the one eyed asshole was ignoring the captain. Tony had moved seats because Bucky was looking so murderous that even the temperature around him seemed to be lowering. He’d almost sat near Natasha but after briefly looking at the impressive pool of drool she just looked like she was calculating how to murder every Shield agent and the director so she could go home to sleep.
Finally Steve snapped and it was such an unexpected (and in Tony’s opinion glorious sight) that Bruce instantly snapped awake and both demi-gods were fully focused on Steve. The man rarely raised his voice yet he was full on screaming and cursing up a blue streak at Fury. Almost all the avengers hadn’t even realized Steve knew how to curse or even that many swears. Hell he was even saying some in different languages that didn’t translate to English. But to top it all off he finished his long winded rant (seriously that super serum is impressive because the guy hadn’t stopped to breathe for like ten minutes) with ‘So excuse us but we’re going home to fucking sleep and if you want to try and ignore me again I swear you can shut the hell up and suck my super soldier dick you insensitive asshole’. Tony should not have found America’s golden boy cursing so hot or seen that last part as some kind of open invitation but he did. They got to the tower and he sucked that super soldier dick like the experienced playboy he was because anyone who said no to that wasn’t right in the head.
Of course besides the fact that Steve cursed and told the director of Shield to suck his dick perhaps the best part of that entire situation was the fact it was so shocking every Shield agent in that meeting had fainted (yes, even Fury. He denies it every time someone asks but like a good little thorn in the director’s side Tony would send the agent asking the video proof)
4 Bruce/Hulk and Thor
Camping was a terrible terrible idea, Tony has voiced this opinion, Loki and Clint have happily agreed, and Bucky the loyal best friend of the one who suggested it had claimed it was a great idea. Tony hated bugs, Natasha had said she’d kill everyone if she didn’t have at least two people to cuddle with and got laid in the woods (because apparently the black widow had some kinks that no one dared questioned and fyi Clint and Bucky volunteered). Tony decided to stick with Loki because magic made everything easier (of course he wouldn’t say this out loud because he was a man of science and he swore to Tesla that he would never ever give Loki that small joy of admitting he liked magic). But of course Steve stuck close to them not because Tony would find a way to sneak some technology along but because trickster god plus destructive genius was a terrifying combination. Tony dared Steve to say that after said trickster and genius rocked his world.
Of course nothing could prepare them for having all managed to fall asleep after having fucked like rabbits only to wake to what clearly sounded like the end of the world happening outside their respective tents. Steve had almost jumped to his feet but Loki had pulled him back into the cuddle pile.
“Do not interrupt Thor getting laid; I believe the green beast would be a territorial lover.”
Steve and Tony exchanged a look clearly not thinking Hulk fucking would sound like the god damn apocalypse or that Jolly Green would be attracted to a puny god.
“I’m not paying for this damage.” Tony said in the morning when they saw the aftermath of Hulk’s and Thor’s version of a good time.
Only the tents had been left undamaged, there were no trees within miles still standing, and there were three new craters in the planet. Of course the part that attracted everyone’s attention the most was the fact that Hulk had to carry Thor. Loki’s jaw nearly hit the ground because Thor wasn’t the type to bottom for anyone. Hell even Clint was asking how the hell the guy had taken Hulk’s monster cock. His giant smile had them all confused when the god couldn’t walk until at least two weeks later. Natasha had taken pictures (mostly for blackmail material but also because Hulk had never stayed out so long or looked so happy)
5 Loki and Bucky
Many people still weren’t happy with the trickster god and former Hydra assassin being part of the avengers. The media always talked about the two being monsters and many times both would agree with them. It was with this shared connection that the two became close.
The two would often spend time away from the other avengers and during one of their walks through a nearby park that the two according to a good portion of the public that were monsters came across a child no older than eight or nine crying alone.
“Little one, it is a beautiful day, why do you sit here in tears?” Loki asked as both he and Bucky knelt down by her.
“I can’t find my mommy.” She cried her tears only increasing.
“Do you know your ma’s number? You can use my phone to call her.”
The child just cried more.
“It appears she does not know how to contact her mother.” Loki said to Bucky.
“Maybe we should take and walk her around the park to look for her ma?”
“Mommy says not to go with strangers.” The girl said before she continued crying again.”
“Your mother is quite wise. Do you believe your mother is still in the park?”
The girl nods.
“Very well, can I see your face a moment so I may allow your mother a way to find you?”
The girl looked up and it took a moment for Loki to see her face clearly through the tears that stained her cheeks. When he stood he worked his magic and pointed his hand to the sky to release his magic. The girl gasped when she saw her face light up the sky above in gold and pink lights. Along with her picture it had the words that read ‘A princess has lost her mother. She is currently awaiting pick up under the protection of the trickster and winter soldier’
“I’m a princess?”
“Of course. You have a crown don’t you?”
The girl confused touched her head where Loki’s magic had made a crown appear. She smiled brightly at that.
“We’ll keep you safe while we wait for your ma to get here alright? What’s your name princess?”
The girl was no longer crying.
“My name’s Sarah.”
Bucky smiled as he held out his hand.
“My name’s Bucky. You know my best friend Steve’s ma was named Sarah.”
“I am Loki.” The god introduced himself as well.
“Hi.” She said a bit shyly.
“Is there anything we can do to help you while we wait for your mother to find you?”
The girl poked Loki’s hand.
“Can I see more magic? I’ve never seen magic before. I thought only fairies could use magic.”
“I am not a fairy but I am a prince. If it is magic you wish to see I can show you plenty.”
He used his magic to make a group of various colored fairies. The girl giggled as she chased the fairies around.
“I want to fly like the fairies.” She said pouting as the fairies flew out of reach.
Bucky picked up the girl so she could reach the fairies.
“I can’t fly like iron man but I’m tall enough to help you catch the fairies.”
Bucky was still gently carrying the girl as the girl giggled now that the various fairies were now perched on her. Not long after a frantic looking woman arrived but she seemed to calm down a bit seeing her daughter smiling and happy while Loki worked his magic not for destruction but to help her daughter. The girl pointed to her mother and Bucky easily walked over with the girl that was already excitedly talking about the fairies and how princes had magic.
“Thank you so much for helping me find her.”
“It’s not a problem ma’am. I know what it’s like when a parent worries about their kid. I grew up with Stevie and his ma was always worried about him.” Bucky said all charm that had the mother blushing.
“It was a pleasure meeting you Princess Sarah. Surely my brother Thor will be envious that I met the prettiest princess in the whole world.” Loki waved goodbye to Sarah with the ease of someone that had interacted with children before. Many often forgot that Loki had been married before and had children of his own.
“Bye Loki, bye Bucky.”
Both left unaware the encountered had been recorded and would be hitting every media outlet within the hour.
Tony came to feeling like he was hung over but he hadn’t had anything to drink since he started sleeping with the avengers. Each had threatened them in their own way if he kept drinking and destroying his body with the alcohol. Natasha of course had just given that look that said ‘I will kill you and paint my nails with your blood without remorse’, Steve had threatened him with a week of training (this Tony hadn’t thought was a threat until Steve had made him go through two days of intense training that had resulted in Tony praying to every god he didn’t believe in and the two he knew for a fact were real that he wouldn’t end up dying because he would have bet his fortune he was dying), Clint had just reminded him he never missed, Bucky reminded him his metal arm had been redesigned by the genius himself so clearly it was the best in the world and more than capable of snapping his spine, Bruce told him the Other Guy wasn’t happy with the smell of his scotch so an angry Hulk making an appearance was possible, Thor didn’t see a problem with drinking but he did mention if Tony died from it he would personally make a trip to Hel to seek revenge upon him for dying before his time (this Tony could totally see happening), Loki decided to grace him with the knowledge he could bring him back if he died before his time so killing him again and again would be an easy way to teach him to head the team’s warnings/threats.
So Tony knew for a fact he wasn’t drunk because he’d been thoroughly threatened and he knew better than to underestimate the team when they made threats/promises like those.
“It seems you’ve finally awakened mortal.”
Oh great he’s been kidnapped by a god. He looked up to see a one eyed man on the other side of what looked like a wall of golden light. So they locked him up but it’s not like that’s going to stop him. You’d think after the ten rings and Killian kidnapping him people would learn those who tried to capture him ended up dead. Or maybe this one was going to try and kill him. Tony wasn’t sure he should give him fair warning on how that went for let’s say the ten rings, Obadiah, Killian, hell even Loki tried to kill him before. Sure they were fucking now but there was like no chance of that happening with what’s-his-face here. He was old as dirt. Which the old as dirt comment might actually be correct. The guy was a god.
“Is this the part where you give me your villain monologue, tell me I’m your prisoner, or try and kill me? I need to know so I can give you the appropriate warning.”
The man’s single eye narrowed on him.
“There is no way out of here mortal.”
“Yeah sure, you want to bet on that because I’ll totally bet on that. Wouldn’t be the first time I managed the impossible.”
The god only grew more annoyed.
“Be silent or I shall have your lips sown shut. I do not see why it is my sons have been foolishly wasting their time with a disrespectful creature like you.”
“Awe is the alldaddy jealous that I get all the attention? It’s my amazing butt, well that or the blowjobs. I give amazing blowjobs. That’s probably why your sons spend all their time with me.” He smirked at the god that only grew more enraged before he stormed away.
“Whelp, time to get out of here. Clint is so going to owe me twenty bucks.”
An hour later Tony was walking into the common area of the tower. The avengers all jumped to their feet when they saw him.
“Anthony.” Thor pulled him into an impossibly tight hug. Thor always seemed to forget his strength and Tony had long since come to terms with the fact one day the media would be telling the story of what finally did him in. Not super villains, not drugs or alcohol, and not even assassins. Nope, it was hugs. The great Iron Man was going to die by hugs and he’d be laughing his ass off in Hel as he told the queen of the dead how he died. It’d be alright, he made JARVIS promise to avenge him which likely meant he was going to send Dum-E with one of his famous poisonous smoothies.
“Hey Point Blank. What’s going on?”
“You were missing dude, Pepper said you didn’t make it to your meeting and we thought you were kidnapped.” Clint said hugging Tony after Bucky had flung the thunder god away from the genius because sometimes Thor forgot he needed to share.
“Well you’re not wrong.”
“Who attempted to steal you away from us? I will slaughter them.” Loki snarled before he picked up Clint and threw him to Steve so he could have Tony’s attention.
“Well you can try. So apparently your dad isn’t too happy with me taking up your attention. Well I mean all the avengers take up yours and Thor’s attention but apparently I was the easiest target, I don’t get either. Moral of the story is I punched him in the dick, I escaped, ran into someone named Sif who I kicked in the kidneys, then I needed a distraction so Asgard’s on fire, found a secret passage way back here, ran into some dude calling himself something the dashing I don’t know but I punched him in the dick to and just because he insulted you in tea bagged him to, and then got back to this world and seeing as Asgard doesn’t have coffee I had to make a stop for that first. Anyways where’s my welcome home sex? I need sex from all my sexy lovers. Also your dad’s a dick and apparently doesn’t believe I give amazing blowjobs. I told him it’s the only reason you guys stay around. That or Nat’s amazing boobs…maybe Bucky’s and Steve’s abs. I don’t know.”
The group was speechless before Thor asked a little hesitant, “Did you say Asgard is on fire?”
“How is that what you get out of that? He just told you he punched Odin in the dick.” Loki snapped.
“Hey I punched that other guy in the dick to. Ok well I punched a lot of people in the dick on my way out; I think I also stabbed a dude with his own sword. I don’t know but he had golden armor and weird golden eyes and said I couldn’t use the bi-frost to get home which I took offense to and to be fair he pointed his giant sword at me first.”
Loki just stared before the god disappeared via magic which made Tony pout.
“I wanted amazing sex.”
“Tony you were just kidnapped.” Steve snapped clearly having been worried.
“Yeah I’ve been kidnapped before. You know how it ends? Lots of bad people dying. I gotta admit this is the first time I was kidnapped by gods.”
Loki returned with an unreadable expression.
“Asgard is indeed on fire. Odin is with the healers because apparently our dear Anthony can hit harder than he lets on, Fandral…well by the look that had been on his face I’m uncertain his dick even works anymore.”
“You’re welcome.” Tony said proudly.
“Still at his post as always but he too is in quite a bit of pain.”
“Did you at least put out the fire?” Bruce asked.
“Why would I do that? The fire is an improvement.”
“Loki.” Thor said warningly.
“Fine, but only because I like mother’s garden.”
Loki vanished and Tony’s pout increased.
“We can have an orgy when Asgard isn’t on fire.” Steve snapped making Tony grin.