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Four Years: The Story of a Transgender Man in College and High School

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Dear reader,

Today is my first journal. I won't seriously get into this until way later when I start school. But, I have a lot of anxiety. I'm getting a breast reduction tomorrow and I am totally scared. I want to just cry and curl up. I don't think I want this surgery anymore. I'm sure I'll be fine afterwards but I am so goddamn scared. I want to cry my eyes out and just curl up into a ball. I wish I could tell you how scared I was, reader. There is not much I can do anymore. Tomorrow's the day and I have to get up so early.

I can think of so many reasons as to why I feel like such a freaking monster. I was actually a little bit relieved when this surgery was originally canceled. I wish I could tell you how happy I felt. But there is no reason as to why I was no happy. I just was pretty relieved. I needed to get this weight off my chest. Though, I wish I wasn't getting this surgery. I don't even know how this even happened to me. I am somehow sitting here with marks on my chest.

I feel really insecure right now and I feel so bad. I wish I could feel like I feel on the inside. I wish I was born with a penis. Though, I wasn't and I feel so freaking bad. I cried myself to sleep last night. Or rather this morning quite honestly. I wish I could tell you I went to bed at a reasonable time. But I went to bed at two this morning. I was so anxious and tired and gross.

I stated this journal to really impress William Control because I wanted to...well, it's a stupid story. I feel like such a little fanboy talking about it too. It's been over a week and I'm still talking about it to my friends. I was so freaking happy to meet him though and he was the sweetest man I have ever met in my life. If you, dear reader, ever want to meet him take my advice and try. Just don't harass the poor man. He's too fragile and sweet for that. But what came out of me meeting him at Warped Tour is that I was able to tell him my story.

I was, and till at the time at the time of me writing this, in a rigorous program that allows students to take four years of high school in two years. In your sophomore year, you have to do this huge, year long project called Gateway. This was a college level research essay. You would then have to present it at the college my school partnered with. The key part was that you would have to present amongst college students who were way more advanced than us lowly high school sophomores. This was the last stepping stone to impress out aptly named Early College teachers. Then we went to a college freshman introduction course in June 2017. This was open to everyone who was in the Early College program. We were informed shortly before Warped if we got into the college or not. I, thankfully, got in and told William.

I had so many panic attacks and anxiety problems in my first two years of high school. More than what was expected from a high school freshman. I was into Black Veil Brides before I got into high school. I was a normal person with a "weird" taste in music. My favorite album at the time was Wretched and Divine which lead me to William Control. His voice was very calming to me. In fact, I am listening to him right now as I write because I am really anxious about this freaking surgery. He is so good for calming down when I'm anxious.

Well, thank you for listening to me this first journal entry. I will begin actual journaling and vlogging (yes, I will be vlogging) in August when my junior year starts. Love you and I'll see you in the next journal!

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

My surgery went well and I was definitely nervous for a reason. I know no one will ever want to date me now. I sealed my fate with that because of my scars. I had a few low moments during initial recovery. I have a year to go before all of the swelling goes down. I feel kind of bad for going through with this surgery. I don't want to be terrifying men for the rest of my life. I know that there's Vitamin E and stuff. But I am paler than a piece of paper. Scars will always show on me even though I do the most to them. So, I will always scare people during sex...if I ever lose my virginity.

I ripped off a layer of my skin as well. My entire epidermis came off and all that's left is my dermous. It's the second layer of my, and all of our, skin. It takes a month to regrow and...I wish it didn't take that long. I just feel like a worse human being because I made my boobs smaller. Though I know I will be for it. I am just another human being meant to be unloved. To die all alone and not be loved. To leave no legacy for my children. If I have any fucking children. If I ever get a husband or a boyfriend...or a fucking friend.

Today was the first day of school...and the solar eclipse. I guess I should have been happy to be getting back to school. I barely did anything this summer. I was slightly depressed all summer as well. I guess I'm going through a major depression. I never feel like I'm up for anything except for writing. I hate feeling like this because I don't want to feel like I want to kill myself every day. I feel like today was the worst day ever. There were a few pieces of good, but mostly bad. But, the worst part of my day was my schedule.

I had to go to my counselor to change my schedule. I was placed into physics and precalculus when I finished my math and science requirements. But I stayed in physics because I kind of liked the teacher. He passed out lollipops to the class today. I was kind of excited because of that moment because it was my first class of the day. But it went downhill from there. I sat through three boring classes next. I had precalc (which I am now out of), American Sign Language (ASL) II and AP Government and Politics.

I miss being creative and I went to go change my schedule. Sadly, there was literally nothing left open except for Theater. I never wanted to take that class because I have no confidence what so ever. I don't really speak up and like talking all that much. I just kind of hang back and observe. I take in what happens and think on it. I am unassuming and I don't like putting myself out there. But it was either that or precalc again. You don't understand how disappointed I am.

I almost cried like six or seven times today. I know I might have a mental breakdown this year. I don't know if it will end up with me killing myself or not. But I'm pretty sure I'll have a mental breakdown. I just want to go and have some hot chocolate. But we barely have any in the house. But whatever, I don't need the extra calories anyways. I'm way too fucking fat and disgusting. I'm so fucking disgusting to so many people. I end up so depressed because of my fucking weight. I am huge and I don't know how I let myself get this fucking huge. I was such a skinny child and now I'm overweight. I guess part of that is that my parents divorced, I was heavy before that and I guess this made it worse.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

I had a pretty okay day today. I had Theater class today. I have to lip sync tomorrow in front of the class. Which by the logic of the teacher would get the embarrassment out of us. Just eighteen weeks in this class. Then I can go to Ms. Miller's class for second semester. Just eighteen weeks of straight embarrassment. Do I want to act? Hell no! Am I confident enough? Definitely not! Will I ever be confident enough? Fuck no! I'm just not that kind of person to put myself out there.

I just need to get out of this fucking high school. They really don't know how they're still surviving. There used to be around one thousand students to two thousand students in every grade. Now there's maybe five hundred. Speaking of school and students, one girl died in an accident before school started. I don't know what her name was or who she was. I barely know anyone. As I have stated before, I'm gifted and have only seen the same twenty people all my life. Or at least since third grade. So, I don't know that many people outside of that. I don't think anyone really knew her either.

I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. I really want to go to sleep and I can't. I want to talk to Sammie and it's like four in the afternoon. Minnie, my cat is sitting behind me. She's been super loving towards me these past few days. But that's her normal personality. She's a loving little kitty who will push you out of the bed. She's attempted to do so many times. She has succeeded only once in getting me out of the bed.

I don't know what else to say but I wish I knew. I have a synopsis for my book though: What happens when the devil loses his angel? Crow is a man who has recently lost his best friend before they were both scheduled to go on a cross country road trip. He decides to take the ashes of his friend, with his parent's permission, to LA where he'll dump half into the ocean. Along the way, Crow picks up another man just like himself. Devin is a man who was forced into prostitution by his abusive stepfather. Devin dreams of becoming an actor in Los Angeles. He spends the night on the highway when he is found by Crow. They become fast friends and Crow takes him away from his bitter life. Both need to overcome issues and rules set by society when they realize that not all love is equal in the great United States and bigotry runs rampant. They must break societal rules and become the best people they can be. Love, life and happiness is found once these souls find each other as they figure out what true love is.

I think I changed Devin's name or something like that. But I'll update the development hell of it after awhile. Hopefully it's a published book before this series ends. I also have a Motionless In White one which I'm sure I'll make into an original novel soon. I'm hoping to maybe get that published too, obviously not as the fanfiction version. The edited version where I couldn't possibly get sued for. Which would be fun to do while I pursue a degree or some shit like that. I hope both make it out soon...to fanfiction websites, of course.

I am also trying to get my friends to join NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month. I'm heavily getting back into that this year. The essentiality of it it is to write a novel in a month. AKA fifty thousand words. Which is harder than it seems without any planning involved. Which is why I'm planning in fucking August to begin really prepping in October.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

Today I lip synced for my life. I had some fun today. We all felt so silly which was pretty good. I wasn't the only one who was nervous. Even our teacher decided to do the same thing. He even started us off today. I felt pretty okay making a fool of myself. I was so happy to not be making a fool of myself all alone.

I was pretty okay all day today. I was so happy to have an assembly eighth period. Which is AP Government and Politics. I hate this class because we haven't started anything yet. I just want to start taking notes and just like...disassociate? I just want to start disassociating and get it over and done with. I just want to fall asleep and get into a routine. I love my little routine when school starts. But at least I have this to keep me over until my routine starts. I have a daily routine.

I always need a routine and I think that there is something with that doing with my anxiety. School is my regular routine. I don't even want to have my plans ruined. It causes me said anxiety. So, I guess I will continue this for my stated amount of time, four years. Two years of high school and my first two years of college. Seeing as though are some of the toughest times of a person's life in a social and academic sense.

I checked out four books at the school library. This is Not a Writing Manual by Kerri Majors, The Young Writer's Guide to Getting Published by Kathy Henderson, The Craft of Writing Fiction by Dan Elish and Spilling Ink: A Young Writer's Handbook by Anne Mazer and Ellen Potter. I included the names incase you are a writer and need a bit of help. I personally started reading Spilling Ink: A Young Writer's Handbook. It's pretty okay so far. All of the books I got covered basic ideas. Getting published, naming characters, writing programs and all that jazz. But I know I am in NaNoWriMo and that gives you two months in December and January called "Now What?" which allows people to revise and maybe get published. I'm just ready to win November.

I feel so happy to begin my novel. I will be writing (and hopefully finishing) my Kuza point of view of my Sign of the Oppressed series. I hope that I feel like I need to work on a synopsis. I also need to make covers for this series. I need to make covers for this. I feel like I should make pretty good covers but I don't have photoshop. I should probably I should go make all of the covers before hand. I will post on wattpad and AO3 and maybe fanfiction.net or Quotev. I need to know what happens on one platform first. If anyone likes me.

I have so many insecurities but not when it comes to any of my novels. I wish I was able to finish a story or novel or fanfiction. I know I might seem like I'm word vomiting and then I get bored. I get bored with my story but I will get back to all of my WIPs soon. I know that much. Maybe it's not now or in a year. But I do gets strokes of genius. I will have a stroke of genius soon. I know that I will and I feel like I am confident in that. I know I will think on them in school. I know that much and I love it. I love that I can not finish something and be like, yes! I need to write short stories and maybe that is what I need to do. I could write short stories, but who knows? Maybe I will and maybe I won't. We'll have to see in the future. But for now, I will attempt a novel.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

First off, my friend and I saw the first fight of the year. One kid ended up arrested and another kid ended up with a bloody nose. The girlfriend of the kid who got arrested was crying. People were counselling her. There were four or five police cars and one security car. I don't know what happened. It was all a mess of bodies and flying fists. But I do know that one kid was jumped by everyone else involved in the fight. But I don't personally know anyone in the fight which is good. My friend group doesn't physically fight, we verbally fight which is definitely something that might escalate into a physical fight.

I also started learning shit in school. We started taking notes in physics class. It's mostly going over scientific notation. Which I learned last year in chemistry class. So, I'm pretty bored. I also have no idea what the hell we're doing in ASL. She just keeps signing and signing and it's kind of annoying. At least talk the first week of school. We know you can talk and we know you're hearing, not deaf. Ease us into you not talking at all. Theater class is pretty boring and so is AP Government.

I also wrote a bit this morning and I think I'm pretty good at writing daily. I also got a really good idea. I love character driven stories and I guess that's why I love making separate stories for characters like how Veronica Roth did Four. I need to create side stories and write about them because I get too excited. But I do like The Sign of the Oppressed and where it's going so far. I already began to write Chris's point of view while still writing Devin's point of view. I really want to write Kuza's point of view but I'm saving that for NaNoWriMo. But I know that I will have a few chapters done before NaNo.

I don't know if I will make covers yet, this early in the game. But I know that there will be covers and I will finally cave. I am watching NaNo prep videos in hopes to feel the vibes of the their vibes. I love prepping and getting really super prepared. Even though I am a disorganized mess, I am starting to become more and more organized. I also kind of want to head to the library and write in the university library during November. Like after school on Fridays or on weekends.

I feel like this is my year to win NaNo because I never really did it intensely any other year in Lake Erie Ink, a writing program I was in up until eighth grade. I wish I had gone into their teen program aka their high school program. I was pretty okay with not continuing after I started to high school. But I miss it now that I do not have much schooling to go on anymore. I have all of my credits by the time the end of this year rolls around. So I kind of wanted to graduate this year. But that my parents do not agree with that and say I should get the free college which I finally conceded to.

I think my word count goal for this November is going to be either 100k or 75k words because I crushed my 50k goal during Camp NaNoWriMo so I need a bigger, more substantial goal. Like 1,666 words on weekdays when I have school plus homework. Then more on the weekends when I am more free. I feel really good and might actually begin working out as well. This is the year of getting my life, emotionally, mentally and physically. So I am so ready to keep this going and thinking positively.

Love,

Unknown

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Song I reference: https://soundcloud.com/trapdemon/booty-breath

Dear reader,

Today, Vinny Mauro aka Trap Demon, released his newest single Booty Breath. I was in school but I listened to the song immediately when I got home. It is fucking awesome and I really can't wait for more. Even if Vinny is the drummer for Motionless In White, previously the touring drummer once Brandon left Motionless without a drummer in Australia of all places, he definitely has some talent. I support him fully and I love him so much. I really want one of his Trap Demon tee shirts as well but I will probably miss the first shipment which he's doing in early September before he goes on tour with Motionless which I will be at on the October eleventh date. I can't wait for the VIP meet and greet and I get to tell Vin how much I look up to him and how much I really connect to him along with his friend, Ghost who is the bass player for Motionless. Vinny is awesome and I hope he becomes relatively popular. Maybe even really popular if anyone picks him up for his second album since he is almost finished with his first album. I am so happy for him and I think Vinny deserves any popularity that he gets. Not only is he a talented drummer, which is what he has been wanting to do since he was around three, he is an amazing human being all around.

I worked on the Sign of the Oppressed a little bit last night while I ate some pizza. It was a pretty good night but I believe that was my highlight last night. But Vinny releasing Booy Breath today was the best part of my day today besides this being the last day of my first week of high school. Monday is my first day of college along with an influx of actual college freshmen and Early College students. Though I am a bit nervous because I wish I wasn't so nervous but I am a bit nervous. I think I am more nervous than I have been than previous first days. I think it's because I'm going to be with actual adults. Real, independent adults and I am a fucking teenager. I don't really belong on a college campus. I belong in high school with my peers, people my own age. But I won't be because I was born with a natural curiosity. A natural reach toward higher learning.

My smarts brought me a lot of mental and social anguish. I have so much anxiety because I think that my teachers deserve a prefecton that I can not give them. I also don't know many people outside of the twenty to thirty person class that I do have. I don't know any of the junior class besides a few people. I wish I knew a bit more people than I do. I know a lot of underclassmen and I know a few seniors. But that's pretty irrelevant since I won't be able to see them when I leave high school and graduate.

Though, I do have a theater class, as I have stated before and I want to at least be more confident than I was when I entered the glass. Though, I don't think this semester class will help. I'm too shy for eighteen weeks to fix or improve anything really. I have a really bad time with my shyness and I don't think anyone or anything will fix it. I feel like I will always be shy and anxious towards everyone near me or not near me. People make me feel a little bit anxious and I hate that I won't be able to make meaningful connections because I am too scared to go talk to them. Either that or I would look a bit creepy or make a fool of myself when I go to talk to them. I don't want any of that to happen and so I don't want to talk to people in fear of making a fool or mess of myself.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

This is my first weekend off as a junior in high school. I finished my first week of school only to go back to my first week of college. I woke up relatively late, for me, at nine this morning. Today is a writing day for me. I am starting out at three thousand two hundred and twenty words. I am working on a conversation between Kuza and my main point of view, Devin. I was thinking of doing a word sprint and then checking back in soon. So I will come back with the results of that word sprint. So I did a ten minute word sprint and wrote two hundred and twenty five words which is pretty good.

I might end up to going shopping with my mom though I might ditch it for writing. I do need some more food in the house just for me. So I might go with her to do that. I do need to work physics work though. I need to work on some of my notes. I did write in pen so that my notes are readable. So I am so happy for the fact that I am writing notes that are cohesive. So I hope that I can keep doing that. So I'll go highlight my notes and come back.

Okay so my notes are all pretty and I should go shower sometimes today. I will do that after I finish a few pieces of writing. I have way too many WIPs to keep up with anymore and I hope that I can get to finish all of them one day. I hope that I will soon have all of them finished. One day my books will be on the shelves of the dying Barnes and Noble. I will be a traditionally published author with a movie deal in the works, with me directing of course. I may even have a few of my favorite bands do the soundtrack to it if they aren't broken up by then. I love writing and making plans for the future. How I'm going to get those plans finished, I do not know. I don't know how to get there and I hope that I will be able to get there. I really want to succeed and make my parents proud. I want to make the people around me proud. I want to make them feel like I wasn't a failure. That's just me though and I don't know how to get there. But I know that I will get there.

Welp, my best friend is depressed as fuck. Nothing I say to her means nothing and that's how I know she's in a deep hole. She says she wants to kill herself and I hope she doesn't. I told her: I am proud of you and I am so grateful to have you as a friend of mine because not many people are able to handle me as a friend and I hope you know how special you are to me. You can handle my stupid jokes and all of my weird dreams of grandeur. You make me feel like I'm not the only one in this universe. You have been there since day one of high school basically. You've given me strength to beat my own depression. You are my favorite part of every single day because I know that you get me. I know that you're the one who will always understand me. I know that you're the only one who accepts me as I am and that means so much to me. You're the big sister I've always wanted and you're the best person to come into my life. I want to have you at my wedding, if I ever have one. I want you to be there for my first heartache and my first boyfriend. I want you so be there for the rest of my firsts because you are my best friend of all time. I need you here so that I feel like someone is in my corner rooting me on. Maybe that's a little selfish but I know that you are always there for me when no one else is. You're going to beat this depression and just think, one day I'll be there with you. A year and a half. One day at a time. Please, get through today for me.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

I have a few sentences for each backstory in my fanfiction. Which is pretty awesome because I want to finish the first chapters as soon as possible to jump to the second chapter. I love that I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going. I like that I can plan at least two chapters ahead. Though all of my character's don't seem to be doing what I want to do. I really want them all to stand out from each other. Give them each their own voice and make sure everyone relates to others. That's the goal, at least, and I hope someone finds their little favorite.

Devin's backstory is that he has an abusive father and then kills family to save them from said father. He kills his younger siblings as well, which haunts him for the rest of his life. Chris's backstory is that he's a murderer turned vampire after police shootout. Which I think might be pretty good storyline. Josh's backstory is that he's a graffiti artist who travels the world. He'll allow me to see the world without seeing the world. Ricky was abducted by his neighbors as a baby. Which kind of connects to Kuza, a little bit. Ryan is descendent of Medusa and becomes artist, using his statues as his work. Which may also be pretty interesting. Vinny is a child of two drug dealers. Kuza was enslaved as a child before being returned to his family. I'm trying to work out when he was returned to his family. I want it to be enough so that he is damaged but not too long. If that makes any sense to anyone besides me. Ryan Ashley's backstory is that she was sexually assaulted and harassed multiple times on different college campuses. Ash Costello's backstory is that she is the child of two serial killers and ends up killing others. CC is in rehab for a general eating disorder and Ashley Purdy is in rehab for alcoholism in the same rehab facility as CC. So CC and Ashley Purdy are the only ones who know each other at the beginning of the novel.

Everyone else meets at the climax of their respective novels. Yes, novels as there will be more than one story told. My document looks like a fucking rainbow right now because each point of view is written in a different color with a key at the top, otherwise I'll get confused. I believe that I develop my characters way too much to not choose one singular character as my main character. Though Devin's story is the one that will be coming out first if and when I finish them. So I guess he could be my main character though all of them are really my main characters.

I do believe that CC and Ashley Purdy's stories are going to be my favorite's to write. Maybe even Ash Costello's story will be pretty fun. Though I am doing a lot of fucking research. I am so happy to have something to do outside of class. But my WIPs make me feel too tired to work on my main hoe right now. I feel so bad for leaving some of my works and not caring about them anymore. Though I know I might get back to them soon. I just really don't know when that will happen.

I woke up at five in the morning and I am so tired. I had to work this stupid biathlon this morning so I've been up for awhile know. My eyes are becoming so heavy and I need to take a fucking nap before I work on anything else. I need to at least close my eyes, even if I don't sleep. I just need to take care of myself, which is what I promised myself this school year. I have to take care of myself.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

Today was particularly interesting since I started college classes today. I was in my statistics class today, Wednesday and Friday. I will be taking an academic writing class on Tuesday and Thursday. I am pretty overwhelmed though, to be quite honest. I had two essays and two surveys to do for my statistics class. I was hit by more Physics homework and AP Government homework. So I spent two hours of my own time doing that. I'm hoping to make dinner than work on my WIPs.

So, if you haven't noticed this is my daily journal. More in fact it is giving you insight into the life of a transgender man who will be going through high school and college. He will be juggling high school and college his junior year of college. Then he will be heading to college full time his senior year. Finally, he will attempt to graduate with a bachelor's degree at the age of twenty. He will also make an attempt to triple major in film production, Russian and English with a focus in creative writing. Which is basically my life and I will be trying to make sure my anxiety is in check for that because I will die if I don't. I want to be able to get through this without having a panic attack.

I told my teacher that I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo and since he's a novelist, he knows the struggle. He was happy that I wrote 50k words in a month. I know it's a pretty ridiculos feat. It's not something normal people do. I feel like I am one of the people who knows how to push through when I set my mind to something. I know that my anxiety will keep me to my word. I feel like I am a very straight minded person when I set my mind to something. I get such tunnel vision when I have a goal. Which is why I am in the program that I am in now. I have a goal in mind and I will do what I set out to do.

I am so glad that I feel like a bit of a normal human being. I know that I feel like crap right now but it will be all worth it. I can feel my twenty year old self smiling at myself. I feel as though he is happy with what I have done. Either that or he decides to take us six feet under. It's his decision and I respect that. I really respect whatever he does in the future. I fully support him and all of his decisions. I will be happy no matter what because I am excited for the future.

I love that I am happily working on things that I actually enjoy these past few months and I really want to keep working on it. I want to have a daily routine. This is my daily routine now and I will make sure of that. I am very happy to say that this journal is working and that my friend Haydn helped me figure this out. I was already thinking of something like this to give to William Control. A huge binder full of letters cronicalling my life because he's the main reason as to why I want to literally graduate at twenty years old.

I know it sounds corny but I kind of also want to ask him to come to my graduation, even if he doesn't come. I just want to extend the invitation to him and I will jump through loopholes to ask him because it means so much to me. He's like a my actual dad and his music makes me feel good in my own body. I know it sounds funny but, in the moments I met him, I have never felt more like a loved human being in my whole life. His fans, five of whom I met at Warped, we so amazingly nice to me and welcoming. They made sure I had a fun time seeing him for the first time life. Two of his older fans made me feel like I was safe under their "care".

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

I am so fucking frustrated right now that I am in tears. First off, my debit card isn't working and I really wanted to reward myself after two long years of panic attacks a depression. I felt like complete shit for two whole years. I couldn't sleep or eat at all for two whole years. I just couldn't do much and I had no social life. I just felt like a total outcast because I was so smart. There is a normal and I've always wanted to like them. I loathed them and their normal looking school lives. I have maybe two to three friends in real life. It's pretty sad to be honest.

I did meet a girl in my English class today and she was really nice. Her name is Samantha like my best friend whom I met two years ago. I swear Samantha's come into my life to help me. It's some kind of divine intervention. Samantha's are my saving grace, to be be very honest. They come at a transition time in my life. I was a freshman in highschool when I met my first Samantha. She was so amazing to me and helped build my confidence. She made me feel like a normal human being. The new Sam was surprised to find out that I was a high schooler.

I never feel like a real man, to be honest. I feel like a man some days but super feminine other days. I feel like a faker since I never felt like a boy for most of my childhood. I also never felt comfortable in feminine clothes. I felt like I was somewhere in the middle but I still felt connected to manhood and masculinity. Agender meant alot to me because it was the absence of gender. I know I have days like that and I know if I ever transitioned, I would be somewhere in the middle. Either I would be on testosterone with no boobs or on testosterone and get bottom surgery. But I knew I was masculine and outside of the binary.

I struggled with that a lot with that until I found the word 'bigender' or two genders. That was definitely me. That was me all of the way because I was agender and transgender. I was so happy and I almost cried when I found that term. I was so happy to find it on Tumblr. Though I am bullied a lot for being a 'special snowflake' or something online a lot. So I hope that doesn't happen whatsoever when I go to college.

I was kind of happy to start Balz's introduction in my novel. As I said, he's a graffiti artist who travels the world. I am super happy to address the world through someone who has a different set of eyes. Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't, maybe it does. Us writers are a weird set. Anyways, the intro is killer: I pulled my mask down and looked around. The alleyway was empty but I could hear police sirens in the distance. I finished up my artwork, a huge black dog the size of the six foot tall wall. I smiled and looked over my shoulder. A police car raced past me and I turned away. I jumped and ran out of the alleyway before another police car actually noticed me. I ran until I was far away from the alleyway where I created the black dog.

I walked towards the Eiffel Tower with my head down and my hood up. My boots thudded against the concrete as I kept walking. I moved closely to the stores and shops along the way. I moved closer and closer until I was at the bottom of the tower. I looked up at the tower and was almost blinded by the sun. I looked back down and tapped my toe against the concrete. My next move was unsure but I knew that I had a job to do. I had to go to the country and show up for a crossroads deal.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

I have another four assignments from my statistics class when the man barely teaches anything. I am always confused in that fucking class. Maybe I just don't have that kind of mind. I also have a lot of Government homework that includes a list of vocabulary words.Government: The formal vehicle through which policies are made and affairs of state are conducted. Monarchy: A form of government in which power is vested in hereditary kings and queens who govern in the interest of all. Totalitarianism: A form of government in which power resides in a leader who rules according to self interest and without regard for individual rights and liberties. Oligarchy: A form of government in which the right to participate depends on the possession of wealth, social status, military position, or achievement. Democracy: A system of government that gives power to the people, whether directly or through elected representation. Direct Democracy: A system of government in which members of the polity meet to discuss all policy decisions and then agree to abide by majority rule. Indirect democracy: A system of government that gives citizens the opportunity to vote for representatives who work on their behalf. Republic: A government rooted in the consent of the governed; a representative or indirect democracy. Political Culture: Commonly shared attitudes, beliefs, and core values about how government should operate. Personal Liberty: A key characteristic of U.S. Democracy. Initially meaning free from governmental interference, today it includes demands for freedom to engage in a variety of practices without governmental interference or discrimination. Political Equality: The principle that all citizens are the same in the eyes of the law. Popular Consent: The principle that governments must draw their powers from the consent of the governed. Majority Rule: The central premise of direct democracy in which only policies that collectively garner the support of a majority of voters will be made into law. Popular Sovereignty: The notion that the ultimate authority in society rests with the people. Natural Law: A doctrine that society should be governed by certain ethical principles that are part of nature and, as such, can be understood by reason. Political Ideology: The coherent set of values and beliefs about the purpose and scope of government held by groups and individuals. Conservative: One who favors limited government intervention, particularly in economic affairs. Social Conservative: One who believes that the government should support and further traditional moral teachings. Liberal: One who favors greater governmental intervention, particularly in economic affairs and in the provision of social services. Moderate: A person who takes a relatively centrist or middle of the road view on most political issues. Statist: One who believes in extensive government control of personal and economic liberties. Politics: The study of who gets what, when, and how or how policy decisions are made. American dream: An American ideal of a happy, successful life, which often includes wealth, a house, a better life for one's children, and, for some, the opportunity to grow up to be president.

I sorry that this is all that I can provide for you today. I am so freaking stressed about school and I believe more of my journals might be like this as I get more and more busy. I also saw my favorite mod and partner on bvb-imagines-yay on Tumblr. But they said they aren't writing Black Veil Brides fanfiction anymore and I know I might as well.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

First off, I passed my vocabulary quiz with a 23/23 and I have barely any homework. Second off, I'm getting my Trap Demon shirt and Revolator books one through three. I am so freaking happy because that is going to make me feel so good because I know I needed to reward myself after two whole years of hard work and two more in front of me. I am also going to wear the Trap Demon shirt to the Motionless In White concert that I'm going to in October which is so freaking close now. I am so happy to actually go. This will be the third time I will be seeing them live. I saw them once in 2015, at Warped Tour after their signing and I will see them again this October with a VIP ticket that involves a VIP ticket. I am so freaking excited to go see them, and William Control, again. I am so freaking happy. I also can not wait to read the Revelator books. They look so freaking interesting and I need to get back into reading. I think those would be the perfect starting points.

Anyways my theater class has me reciting a poem soon. So I chose either this one: Hello friend, it's been awhile since we've spoke. I'm sorry I've been busy. It's not that I don't care, I promise. Time is slipping through the cracks and I'm losing my opportunity to relax before I can't anymore. Things are happening again. There's a constant nagging in my ear that rings like an alarm I can't shut off and I'm not sure how to stop it. It feels strange. I'm out of my element; a blindfolded backseat driver in a landscape I don't recognize. I don't know who or what to expect and I'm beginning to question the reasoning and validity behind the guise of friendship. I'm sorry that I never come to you with good news. (Not that any of this is necessarily bad by any means). But the truth is, if life was the way social media portrays, there would be nothing interesting to talk about. Because good news can't spread like a virus the way a good bit of gossip can. You don't go to a therapist to talk about how happy you are. Or possibly this one: When I close my eyes all I can see is open fields for miles, the leaves ruffling and dancing in the slight breeze. The sun is on my face, and a pack of smashed cigarettes hide in my back pocket. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going from here, but all I can hear from somewhere in the distance is "keep it together"-an infinite tracklist on repeat. Maybe even this one: Things change. Sometimes there's not a whole you can do about it. Being able to adapt and grow along with the twists and turns that come with time is one of the only things you can do to live through the chaos. To keep your head above water when the tide is pulling you under. Everything is impermanent. And people stay the same as much as they don't.Sometimes you completely lose sight of who you are because you think you're doing the right thing. Am I doing the right thing now? Deep down I know what's best for me better than anyone else does. Nothing is coincidence, synchronicity will attest to that. Every moment in life is an opportunity to make you a better person. Because it's impossible to grow without struggle. As Ville Valo once said, "you can't enjoy heaven without the occasional glimpse of hell". This hourglass has dropped its last grain of sand. Next chapter. All are by Ricky Horror and I am so freaking happy to read any of them in front of class because I'm emo as fuck and those poems are emo as fuck. I am so proud to start reading at least one of them in class.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

Happy fall beginnings to all of my readers and happy September beginnings. Also, happy Epilogue Day to all of my Harry Potter fans out there. I would be boarding the Hogwarts Express for my sixth year at Hogwarts as a Slytherin this year if I lived in England. In America, I would be a lovely Thunderbird. Also, wonderful birthday wishes to Ricky "Horror" Olson of Motionless In White. It is now officially forty one days until my date for the Graveyard Shift tour. I rushed to get my friend her VIP upgrade today. This will be both of our third times seeing and meeting Motionless In White. I will have seen them live once a year since 2015. I hope I'm a good enough fan though. Everyone else seems a lot better than me. I feel like such an outcast compared to other fans because I'm not goth, emo, scene or anything like that. I'm an outsider in a group of outsiders. Too cool for the nerds, too nerdy for the normal crowd, etcetera, etcetera. But October can not get here fast enough.

I am getting the Revelator books and if anyone is interested, I'll give you the synopsis for each one of the novels/novellas since I'm nice and they are hard books to find. Book one goes a little something like this: Through the madness I shuffle. A wretched shell of the man I was when her Love possessed me. Lucifer has given me one chance at redemption. I am compelled to drag myself to the dusty finish line. Compelled by the love I have somewhere in my drowning heart and by the curiosity of a new adventure that will one day, surely kill me. This is the story of William Control. Book two reads like this: The terror of eradication, the destruction of morality, the dying yells of the Man I have become and here I've made my choice. My decision to fall head first into oblivion. Fuck redemption. Fuck lucifer. Let the syringe and bottle be my guide. Drowning in my hate for the Culture that surrounds me. Book three reads more like this: Here at the dusty finish line I stand barely breathing and out of options. Possessed with rage and a violent streak so bloody that I disregard the imminent danger and go straight for the heart of those that took everything. An actor with a cold grin and a loaded gun, a new set of rules and the willingness to let go, ready to jump head first into the Ocean Misery, into the flames of my oblivion. Lucifer is there waiting. Let's see if he remembers my name.

The poem/literature pierce I chose is: Hello friend, it's been awhile since we've spoke. I'm sorry I've been busy. It's not that I don't care, I promise. Time is slipping through the cracks and I'm losing my opportunity to relax before I can't anymore. Things are happening again. There's a constant nagging in my ear that rings like an alarm I can't shut off and I'm not sure how to stop it. It feels strange. I'm out of my element; a blindfolded backseat driver in a landscape I don't recognize. I don't know who or what to expect and I'm beginning to question the reasoning and validity behind the guise of friendship. I'm sorry that I never come to you with good news. (Not that any of this is necessarily bad by any means). But the truth is, if life was the way social media portrays, there would be nothing interesting to talk about. Because good news can't spread like a virus the way a good bit of gossip can. You don't go to a therapist to talk about how happy you are. I recorded all of it, as in me reciting it, for Ricky's birthday today because I guess I thought it would be a good idea. But maybe it wasn't, I don't know to be honest and I have no idea how to word any of this anymore.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

Happy fall beginnings to all of my readers and happy September beginnings. Also, happy Epilogue Day to all of my Harry Potter fans out there. I would be boarding the Hogwarts Express for my sixth year at Hogwarts as a Slytherin this year if I lived in England. In America, I would be a lovely Thunderbird. Also, wonderful birthday wishes to Ricky "Horror" Olson of Motionless In White. It is now officially forty one days until my date for the Graveyard Shift tour. I rushed to get my friend her VIP upgrade today. This will be both of our third times seeing and meeting Motionless In White. I will have seen them live once a year since 2015. I hope I'm a good enough fan though. Everyone else seems a lot better than me. I feel like such an outcast compared to other fans because I'm not goth, emo, scene or anything like that. I'm an outsider in a group of outsiders. Too cool for the nerds, too nerdy for the normal crowd, etcetera, etcetera. But October can not get here fast enough.

I am getting the Revelator books and if anyone is interested, I'll give you the synopsis for each one of the novels/novellas since I'm nice and they are hard books to find. Book one goes a little something like this: Through the madness I shuffle. A wretched shell of the man I was when her Love possessed me. Lucifer has given me one chance at redemption. I am compelled to drag myself to the dusty finish line. Compelled by the love I have somewhere in my drowning heart and by the curiosity of a new adventure that will one day, surely kill me. This is the story of William Control. Book two reads like this: The terror of eradication, the destruction of morality, the dying yells of the Man I have become and here I've made my choice. My decision to fall head first into oblivion. Fuck redemption. Fuck lucifer. Let the syringe and bottle be my guide. Drowning in my hate for the Culture that surrounds me. Book three reads more like this: Here at the dusty finish line I stand barely breathing and out of options. Possessed with rage and a violent streak so bloody that I disregard the imminent danger and go straight for the heart of those that took everything. An actor with a cold grin and a loaded gun, a new set of rules and the willingness to let go, ready to jump head first into the Ocean Misery, into the flames of my oblivion. Lucifer is there waiting. Let's see if he remembers my name.

The poem/literature pierce I chose is: Hello friend, it's been awhile since we've spoke. I'm sorry I've been busy. It's not that I don't care, I promise. Time is slipping through the cracks and I'm losing my opportunity to relax before I can't anymore. Things are happening again. There's a constant nagging in my ear that rings like an alarm I can't shut off and I'm not sure how to stop it. It feels strange. I'm out of my element; a blindfolded backseat driver in a landscape I don't recognize. I don't know who or what to expect and I'm beginning to question the reasoning and validity behind the guise of friendship. I'm sorry that I never come to you with good news. (Not that any of this is necessarily bad by any means). But the truth is, if life was the way social media portrays, there would be nothing interesting to talk about. Because good news can't spread like a virus the way a good bit of gossip can. You don't go to a therapist to talk about how happy you are. I recorded all of it, as in me reciting it, for Ricky's birthday today because I guess I thought it would be a good idea. But maybe it wasn't, I don't know to be honest and I have no idea how to word any of this anymore.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

First off, sorry for the late entry. I know you probably were expecting something earlier. But I am so stressed and I am just so depressed. Because of this stupid anon on tumblr, I foolishly ruined a relationship I was hoping to repair. This person, whom I shall not name, had originally kept me from committing suicide a few months back. But they lied to me and overwhelmed me by telling complete strangers to send their hundreds, if not thousands of their followers, to send me messages of encouragement. All of which were generic, stupid responses such as "Whatever you're planning on doing just know that your friends love and support you and they'll be empty and broken without your light" and "But your friend loves you and don't want you to end your life" (which is a completely selfish thing to do). I pointed out how selfish she was for doing this because I had already decided to take my own life and I knew it would help everyone around me. Also, it was none of these stranger's business to know that I wanted to die. I trusted her to keep that with them and they didn't. They did this to possibly help but I got messages to the point of me almost taking my life that morning, much to their chagrin. I, being stubborn, held her accountable and kept my promise to keep a slight grudge. It ruined our friendship and I feel kind of bad for it because I know how much of a terrible person I can be.

If anyone wants writing help, I have a song prompt for you: Why Dance With The Devil When You Have Me? by William Control. Go write a short story if you want based on the lyrics, theme or anything else from the song. Maybe just one lyric sparks your creative juices. It's good for practice at writing just scenes and I use this method a lot. I copy and paste the lyrics into a blank page. Then I write a paragraph or two based on the chorus or verse. Finally, I delete the lyrics and I have a scene. It's kind of like this from The Boy With The Broken Halo: I took one look at him and knew why I should never had become his friend in the first place. He was a fucking model in human form. He was a male model, an angel fallen from earth. His hair was a golden blonde color that came down to his neck. His eyes were a spectacular color of brass. His body was tanned and toned. Liam was taller than most and almost reached seven feet. He was a regular Ares and was sculpted by the gods himself. It didn't help that he was from deep within Australia. His accent was still thick and gorgeous. All of the women at school swooned when he walked by them. Even I was caught swooning at him a few times. He always wore muscle tees and jeans. Liam never showed off his body unless he was near me.

I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I was always wearing leather jackets and matching pants. I normally didn't wear a shirt which got me in trouble a lot at school. My skin was pale even though both my parents were Greek and I was supposed to come out actually looking like a Greek god. My jet black hair went down to my waist as well. I had dull hazel eyes and an acne covered face. I was short and not as muscular compared to Liam. I was only six feet tall and still had to jog to keep up from my friend. I looked like a demon who just crawled out of hell. Everyone called us 'the angel and the devil' since we contrasted so much. I think they only came up with the name since I dressed in dark clothes and Liam stuck to neon colors and pastels.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

I wrote my first college essay which makes me a bit proud. It's just a little diagnostic test but I took it really seriously. I wanted to make a good impression since I'm sixteen: The word nuclear strikes fear into the heart of many people, mostly Americans and some developed countries around the world. This is only because of the state of the world with the new president. There was already one scare with nuclear weapons during the Kennedy administration. Now, in a Trump administration, Americans are able to feel the fear of a recent past. The American people are terrified of what might come of nuclear power. Even though the paper by Richard A. Muller is not about nuclear weapons, he does touch on a subject that most people are terrified of. Only scientists with advanced degrees can fully comprehend what happens with such nuclear powers. They are also the only ones who can truly comprehend what these elements can do to the world.

Places where the nuclear plants would go are conventionally unstable. As Muller points out the Yucaa Mountain in Nevada is home to many seismic activities. This would create an unstable place for any plants to be built. Even if these plants were earthquake sound, there is no guarantee that they would survive a major earthquake. If they did, there could be structural problems. That could take months to fix and what happens to the displaced workers would have to be figured out. As well as allowing for what happens to any destroyed atoms to be figured out. The grounds may become unsafe due to radiation and the plant would have to relocate.

Granted, most people can agree that nuclear power could be safe to use in the long run. How long that could be still remains a mystery. Most material can be kept safe for 100,000 years according to Muller. Though, that is an unreasonable amount of time in the long run. Humanity can move on to a different kind of power by then. Humanity may even be wiped out completely before the nuclear power could potentially run out. Humanity would only be benefited in the short term if nuclear power were to go into effect. There are too many 'what if's for nuclear power to work at all.

As stated before, there was a constant fear of nuclear war in the past. Just the thought of nuclear power in the hands of a country could prove fatal. If a country has nuclear power, they could make nuclear weapons. This could mean World War Three for anyone who angers another country. Nuclear power could mean the potential for nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons are already in Russia, America and North Korea. This is proving more and more disastrous because there are talks between the Trump administration and Russia. Both countries together could destroy the world.

All in all, nuclear waste isn't the problem. The problem is power amongst the dominant countries. Lord Acton said that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Nuclear power is one power that could corrupt absolutely. Nuclear waste, again, isn't the problem in this world. It's a bunch of destroyed elements, ones the universe created. The earth would clean itself up from the waste eventually. But the power and destruction that comes with the thought of nuclear waste is a lot worse. Waste is not the problem when it will be eventually cleaned up that should be discussed. It should be the power that comes along with the thought of nuclear power.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

First off, my dad forgot his visitation this week. He was the only dinner I could count on. I wanted to eat and now I can't. I rarely come home to a dinner and I want to go to sleep now. But I need to write. Plus, I have a headache. The thing is, I'm thinking of CC and the Nyquil incident. I don't want that to happen to me because I know it might because I am a CC. But I hate having this stupid headache. It's making me feel like complete crap.

This is the only thing I'm using to keep going: National Novel Writing Month is an annual, Internet-based creative writing project that takes place during the month of November. Participants attempt to write a 50,000 word manuscript between November 1 and November 30. Well-known authors write "pep-talks" to keep them motivated throughout the process. The website provides participants with tips for writer's block, information on where local participants are meeting, and an online community of support. NaNoWriMo focuses on the length of a work rather than the quality, encouraging writers to finish their first draft so that it can later be edited at the author's discretion. The project started in July 1999 with 21 participants, but by the 2010 event, over 200,000 people took part and wrote a total of over 2.8 billion words. Writers wishing to participate first register on the project's website, where they can post profiles and information about their novels, including synopses and excerpts. Word counts are validated on the site, with writers submitting a copy of their novel for automatic counting. Municipal leaders and regional forums help connect local writers, holding writing events and providing encouragement. Writing starts at 12:00: a.m. on November 1 and ends 11:59:59 p.m. on November 30, local time. No one is allowed to start early and finish 30 days from that start point. Novels must reach a minimum of 50,000 words before the end of November. These words can either be a complete novel of 50,000 words or the first 50,000 words of a novel to be completed later. Planning and extensive notes are permitted, but no material written before the November 1 start date can go into the body of the novel. Participants' novels can be on any theme, genre of fiction, and language. Everything from fanfiction, which uses trademarked characters, to novels in poem format, and metafiction is allowed; according to the website's FAQ, "If you believe you're writing a novel, we believe you're writing a novel too." To win NaNoWriMo, participants must write an average of approximately 1,667 words per day in November to reach the goal of 50,000 words written toward a novel. Organizers of the event say that the aim is to get people to start writing, using the deadline as an incentive to get the story going and to put words to paper. There is no fee to participate in NaNoWriMo; registration is only required for novel verification. In October 2007, the self-publishing company CreateSpace teamed up with NaNoWriMo to begin offering winners a single free, paperback proof copy of their manuscripts, with the option to use the proof to then sell the novel on Amazon.com. In 2011, CreateSpace offered winners five free, paperback proof copies of their manuscripts. In addition to CreateSpace, each year NaNoWriMo has a new list of sponsors that reward winners and participants with various discounts and prizes.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

I got a new idea for a novel, which I hate. It's going to be set a hundred or so years in the future. A robot army has taken over and demons rose from Hell during the Trump administration to take him out. They procreated and created half demon children. These children were then weaponized in a war against a tyrant king as the monarchy came back to power after the Trump administration fell out. I have no idea what the main character's name will be and I feel like I'm going to fail. Though, it might not and I don't care for the outcome. No one reads anything I do anyways so I don't think anything will happen.

I hate my mom and dad so much. Mostly my mom because she doesn't really understand how annoying it is to be so secretive about her fucking boyfriend. I hear him fucking her almost every night she's home. She barely has any time for me anymore and I know that sounds selfish. But she's my fucking mom. She's supposed to be around and I know she knows I'm moving out the summer after my senior year. She knows I have so much contempt for her for not paying attention to me. She knows that I can't handle anything without the support from my parents.

I feel like such a terrible person. I feel like I can't be a normal person. I want to change my life lightly. I want to cut my hair short and I want to do something new. But I know all I'll say is that I want a trim. That my mom won't agree to anything I do to with my hair. I felt like I am such a terrible person and I want to go out and do something. Like I want to go out and protest. I want to something but I'm just a minor. A silly little minor who can't do anything.

I need to get back to Ricky's point of view because this is all I have: I don't remember much about my parents. I knew that they were good people and that they loved me very much. But they weren't watching one day and some people took me. I was just a baby then. Maybe one or two years old, barely enough to remember my parents before I was reunited with them when I was twenty. Once I met them, they were really nice to me. That said that none of this was my fault. I had a sister and a brother. I remember the exact day I met my sister. I had written something because I was too nervous to speak. She had handed it back to me and told me to keep it. She said that she would always remember the day that she met her brother. So I kept the note in my wallet. I remembered that day all of my dreams came true.

I also only have this for Josh: I pulled my mask down and looked around. The alleyway was empty but I could hear police sirens in the distance. I finished up my artwork, a huge black dog the size of the six foot tall wall. I smiled and looked over my shoulder. A police car raced past me and I turned away. I jumped and ran out of the alleyway before another police car actually noticed me. I ran until I was far away from the alleyway where I created the black dog.

I walked towards the Eiffel Tower with my head down and my hood up. My boots thudded against the concrete as I kept walking. I moved closely to the stores and shops along the way. I moved closer and closer until I was at the bottom of the tower. I looked up at the tower and was almost blinded by the sun. I looked back down and tapped my toe against the concrete. My next move was unsure but I knew that I had a job to do. I had to go to the country and show up for a crossroads deal.

Love,

Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

Declaration Of Independence: Document drafted largely by Thomas Jefferson in 1776 that proclaimed the right of the American colonies to separate from Great Britain. Full faith and credit clause: Section of Article IV of the Constitution that ensures judicial decrees and contracts made in one state will be binding and enforceable in any other state. Separation of Powers: A way of dividing the power of government among the legislative, executive, and judicial branches, each staffed separately, with equality and independence of each branch ensured by the Constitution. Checks and balances: A constitutionally mandated structure that gives each of the three branches of government some degree of oversight and control over the actions of others. Mercantilism: An economic theory designed to increase a nation's wealth through the development of commercial industry and a favorable balance of trade Necessary and Proper Clause: The final paragraph of Article 1, section 8, of the constitution, which gives Congress the authority to pass all laws "necessary and proper" to carry out the enumerated powers specified in the Constitution; also called the elastic clause. First Continental Congress: Meeting held in Philadelphia from September 5 to October 26, 1774, in which fifty-six delegates (from every colony except Georgia) adopted a resolution in opposition to the Coercive Acts. Committees of Correspondence: Organizations in each of the American colonies created to keep colonists abreast of developments with the British; served as powerful molders of public opinion against the British. Articles of confederation:The compact between the thirteen original colonies that created a loose league of friendship, with the national government drawing its power from the states.Constitution: A document establishing the structure, functions, and limitations of a government.Supremacy Clause: Portion of Article VI of the Constitution mandating that national law is supreme to (that is, supersedes) all other laws passed by the states or by any other subdivision of government. Shay's Rebellion: A rebellion in which an army of 1,500 disgruntled and angry farmers led by Daniel Shays marched to Springfield, Massachusetts, and forcibly restrained the state court from foreclosing mortgages on their farms. Stamp Act Congress: A 1765 meeting of 9 of the 13 colonies where delegates put together a list of violations of the colonist's fundamental rights by the crown (England). New Jersey Plan: A framework for the Constitution proposed by a group of small states. Its key points were one-house legislature with one vote for each state, a Congress with the ability to raise revenue, and a Supreme Court with members appointed for life. Virginia Plan: A proposal by Virginia delegates for a bicameral legislative branch in 1787. Confederation: Type of government in which the national government derives its powers from the states; a league of independent states. Great Compromise: The final decision of the Constitutional Convention to create a two-house legislature, with the lower house elected by the people and with powers divided between the two houses. It also made national law supreme. Three-Fifths Compromise: Agreement reached at the Constitutional Convention stipulating that each slave was to be counted as three-fifths of a person for purposes of determining population for representation in the U.S. House of Representatives. The Federalist Papers: A series of eighty-five political essays written by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay in support of ratification of the U.S. Constitution. Federal System: System of government in which the national government and state government share power and derive all authority from the people.Federalists: Those who favored a stronger national government and supported the proposed U.S Constitution; later became the first U.S political party. Implied Powers: The powers of the national government derived from the enumerated powers and the necessary and proper clause. Anti Federalist: Those who favored strong state governments and a weak national government; opposed ratification of the U.S. Constitution. Bill of Rights: The first ten amendments to the U. S. Constitution, which largely guarantee specific rights and liberties. Enumerated Powers: specific powers granted to Congress by the United States Constitution. Second Continental Congress: Meeting that convened in Philadelphia on May 10, 1775, at which it was decided that an army should be raised and George Washington of Virginia was named commander in chief.

Also, my books are in Belleville, Michigan and they were in Perrysburg, Ohio yesterday. So maybe they'll be here tomorrow or tonight. I hope they're here soon though and I started a new novel as well. This one starts: We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. These words rang in my head as the dust settled on the battlefield. My footfalls were deafeningly silent against the backdrop of the distant sounds of screaming.

Let's play a game with my fanfiction, who am I talking about in this piece? A woman with shoulder length, checkerboard colored hair and synthetic dreads walked passed me. She looked like a fucking doll. Cinched waist and huge ass with a huge chest to match. Her lips look like the had been plumped up with fillers. Her eyes were glowing lightly as she looked over at me. Her doll like figure disgusted me but I knew that there was something more to her. She had an air of unwavering confidence about her but I know deep down I knew she was insecure as fuck. That she was nothing more than an insecure bitch. A woman who jumped at people's throats before they had a chance to say anything.

Who is speaking in this paragraph? I pulled my mask down and looked around. The alleyway was empty but I could hear police sirens in the distance. I finished up my artwork, a huge black dog the size of the six foot tall wall. I smiled and looked over my shoulder. A police car raced past me and I turned away. I jumped and ran out of the alleyway before another police car actually noticed me. I ran until I was far away from the alleyway where I created the black dog.

Who is speaking here? I tapped the keys of the piano and looked around. The common room was dark and I was all alone. Alone to be with myself and my thoughts. I played with my bracelet and looked out of the huge windows. Across the courtyard was CC's room. His light was on which meant he was up and writing for whatever reason he was. He always made me feel so freaking happy. CC was my favorite person to brush past in the hallways for dinner or lunch or breakfast, the only times when the other units interacted with each other. That and team meetings for the whole rehab center once a month.

Whoever gets these correct can claim the prize of being in my new, untitled novel as a side or main character, whichever you prefer.

Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

New vocabulary words! Federal System- System of government in which the national government and state governments share power and derive all authority from the people. Confederation - Type of government in which the national government derives its powers from the states; a league of independent states. Unitary System- System of government in which the local and regional governments derive all authority from a strong national government. Enumerated Powers - The powers of the national government specifically granted to the Congress in Article I, section 8 of the Constitution. Implied Powers-The powers of the national government derived from enumerated powers and the necessary and proper clause. Tenth Amendment-The final part of the Bill of Rights that defines the basic principle of American federalism in stating that the powers not delegated to the national government are reserved to the states or to the people. Reserved Powers - Powers reserved to the states by the Tenth Amendment that lie at the foundation of a state's right to legislation for the public health and welfare of its citizens. Concurrent Powers - Powers shared by the national and state governments. Bill of Attainder- A law declaring an act illegal without a judicial trial. Ex post facto law- Law that makes an act punishable as a crime even if the action was legal at the time it was committed. Full faith and credit clause- Section of article IV of the constitution that ensures judicial decrees and contracts made in one state will be binding and enforceable in any other state. Privileges and Immunities Clause -Part of Article IV of the Constitution guaranteeing that the citizens of each state are afforded the same rights as citizens of all other states. Extradition Clause- Part of Article IV of the Constitution that requires states to extradite, or return, criminals to states where they have been convicted or are to stand trial Interstate Compacts - Contracts between states that carry the force of law; generally now used as a tool to address multi-state policy concerns. Dillon's Rule- A premise articulated by Judge John F. Dillon in 1868 which states that local governments do not have any inherent sovereignty and instead must be authorized by state governments that can create or abolish them. Charter- A document that, like a constitution, specifies the basic policies, procedures, and institutions of local government. Charters for local governments must be approved by state legislatures. County-The basic administrative unit of local government. Municipality- City government created in response to the emergence of relatively densely populated areas. Special district- A local government that is restricted to a particular function. McCulloch v. Maryland (1819) - The Supreme Court upheld the power of the national government and denied the right of a state to tax the federal bank, using the Constitution's supremacy clause. The Court's broad interpretation of the necessary and proper clause paved the way for later rulings upholding expansive federal powers. Gibbons v. Ogden (1824) - The Supreme Court upheld broad congressional power to regulate interstate commerce. The Court's broad interpretation of the Constitution's commerce clause paved the way for later rulings upholding expansive federal powers Barron v. Baltimore (1833)- The Supreme Court ruled that the due process clause of the Fifth Amendment did not apply to the actions of states. This decision limited the Bill of Rights to the actions of Congress alone. Part two tomorrow.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

I got my Revelator books today and I will post a review once I finish reading all three. But as promised, as a study tool, is part two of my vocabulary words. Dual Federalism- The belief that having separate and equally powerful levels of government is the best arrangement, often referred to as a layer-cake federalism. Nullification - The right of a state to declare void a federal law. Dred Scott v. Sanford (1857) - The Supreme Court concluded that the U.S. Congress lacked the constitutional authority to bar slavery in the territories. This decision narrowed the scope of national power, while it enhanced that of the states. Sixteenth Amendment- Amendment to the US constitution that authorized congress to enact a national income tax. Seventeenth Amendment - Amendment to the U.S Constitution that made senators directly elected by the people, removing their selection from state legislatures. Cooperative Federalism-The intertwined relationship between the national, state, and local governments that began with the new deal, often referred to as marble-cake federalism. Block Grant- A large grant given to a state by the federal government with only general spending guidelines. Programmatic Request - Federal funds designated for special projects within a state or congressional district. New Deal-The name given to the program of "Relief, Recovery, Reform" begun by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1933 to bring the United States out of the Great Depression. Categorical Grant- A grant that appropriates federal funds to the states for a specific purpose. New Federalism - Federal-state relationship proposed by Reagan administration during the 1980's; hallmark is returning administrative powers to the state governments. Preemption- A concept that allows national government to override state or local actions in certain policy areas. Progressive Federalism- A pragmatic approach to federalism that views relations between national and state governments as both coercive and cooperative.

I also started on Jinxx's point of view and began with this: I didn't know who or what put me in here but I did not like it. I wanted to be free, like a bird flying through the night sky. But, I was alone in a box. A white, dull, void-of-all-natural-light box. I was alone as I had been in life. I would have been alone in death if my girlfriend didn't find me. She was to find me in the bathtub, high on cocaine and a needle in my arm. I had been smiling up at the ceiling and babbling about my life. Clearly, I had scared her enough to send me here and break up with me.

"Jeremy, can you please look at me?" I turned my head slowly towards the woman sitting across to me, not sure if I wanted to obey her.

CC's also has this for a bit at the beginning of his story. I kind of like it and I'm not sure how it will it go after this though: I'm scrawny as all hell, even with a bunch of weight on me. You know, when I'm at my 'normal' weight. I gained more muscle than fat and people commended me for having such a nice metabolism. But, food was just the last thing in my life that I could control. My parents had controlled so much of my life. So were some of the other adults in my life. I was just another pawn in their game. So I turned to food so that I had some control over my life. Some control over what I was doing.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

So I finished baking my cookies to help my friend for her 9/11 Caravan of Cookies thing that gives cookies to first responders. I slept until maybe eight or nine this morning, I can't remember. I may or may not have expanded on something last night and I was pretty proud of how it came out: I hated God for a long time, more than I have ever hated anyone and longer than I have hated anyone. He made me feel like such a terrible man. I tried to disconnect myself from the religion but I when I had no one else to turn. Maybe God was meant to be there when I needed him. Though, I wouldn't consider myself religious I tended to pray every night before bed. Somehow it made me feel better to know that someone was listening. It made me feel like someone knew how badly I was suffering. How terribly I had felt for killing that girl that night. That I had to choose between jail time and rehab. How I wanted to take the jail and sit in a cell because I knew what I did was wrong. But the family of the victim fought for me to stay out of jail. They said they lost their son to this disease and that I should get helpful treatment instead of sitting in a jail cell.

I also finally have a description for what I'm writing which makes me feel a little bit better about where I'm heading. "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." ~Rudyard Kipling. For them, words are something that comes easily to them, just like torment. Devin had an abusive father and killed his entire family for protection. Chris is a murderer turned vampire after police shootout. Josh is a graffiti artist who travels the world to make his mark. Ricky was abducted by his neighbors as a baby before reuniting with his family for a short while. Ryan is a descendant of Medusa and uses his powers to become a world renowned artist. Vinny is the child of drug dealers. Kuza was enslaved as a child before being returned to his family. Ryan Ashley was raped multiple times on different college campuses. Ash Costello is the child of two serial killers. CC's is recovering from a general eating disorder. Ashley is a recovering alcoholic. Jinxx was a child prodigy who is now in inpatient therapy for suicide, depression and C-PTSD from his father's sexual assault of him. Their words are all they have left. A prostitution ring is what connects them and what will eventually tear them apart. Lucifer and God meet again in one final powerful battle that will determine the fate of mankind.

I also am super, hella annoyed by writers who still use Microsoft Word. They seem so far behind on technology. I use Google Docs which backs up automatically. I do not have to use a USB to save my work. I also don't have to worry about saving after each writing session. I also just like how you can search Google through the document without leaving it. I just feel annoyed when writers rave about Microsoft Word when it's not really one of the best writing softwares out there.

Also, if you aren't convinced on NaNoWriMo yet, let other people tell you about it. Shannon L. Monroe says, "Before I discovered NaNoWriMo, I was creatively drifting, feeling like I would never finish a novel, pretending to be a 'writer'. But, when I joined in 2007, I finally typed the words 'The End'. Instantaneously, NaNoWriMo and its epic community became a part of me. My gratitude knows no bounds". Aeric Winter says, "University trained my brain to produce clever words. NaNoWriMo lets the words flow directly from my soul. Soul is better".

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,

Sixteen years since September 11th, 2001. My entire life has revolved around this event since I have no conscious memory of a life before this event. I was not even seven months old at the time of the event. My mom remembers thinking "dear God, what kind of world have I brought my child into". I agree with her, especially now with the Trump administration. What did she bring me into? What kind of world did I enter into? What did I bring myself into? Why did my parents decide to have me?

Funny story, actually since we're on the topic of children. I am the second child of two second children. Both of my parents were adopted and so were their siblings, my uncles. My sister was then adopted by my father when my mom married him. So, I'm the first "biological" child in awhile. What I'm trying to get at is that my dad's parents wanted at least three children. When my dad came into their lives, they decided to call it quits on children. My parents also wanted more kids. But, I came along and no more kids for my parents. So my dad and I both kind of knew that we needed to be the last children our parents had.

My grandmother is talking loud as all hell on the phone. I am downstairs and said that I was going to go work on some homework (AP Government and Politics) so if she could keep it down, that would be awesome. Now, of course, a reasonable person would say 'yes' and try to keep quiet. She, on the other hand, decides to have loud ass conversation on the phone. I have anxiety and sometimes (99% of the time) I suffer from sensory overload. Most of this comes from guess what? Fucking noise, talking or otherwise. So that's a real fucking issue I have to deal with.

This also extends to food 99.9% of the time. New textures are the worst for me. I have the palate of a four year old. So I don't really eat dinner, lunch or breakfast most of the time. Mostly because a) I don't have time and b) my parents don't really care whether or not I eat. They don't care about mostly anything. My mental or physical health comes to mind most of the time. So, I just would rather starve which I guess is a lot better than eating. I am already overweight and ugly as fuck. But I am excited for Motionless In White, one month out now.

Another kid at my school began going by the name Max and I feel like a bunch of crap because everyone is using the wrong pronouns for me now. They're mistaking me for the other Max and I fought so hard for the pronouns that I had amongst my friends. It doesn't help that this Max is in the same friend circle as me. So now everyone is confused and I feel obligated to change my name. I already want to cut ties with this other Max since they're constantly misgendering me anyways. So, I don't know what else to do other than change the name and come out again.

Also, tomorrow is my best friend's birthday. We met almost two years ago and I'm lucky to have her in my life. Sadly, we live a state apart and I can't be there for her birthday. I wish I could be since she's sick and can't properly celebrate. I wish I could do something more for her. I feel like such a bad friend for being a state away. She makes me feel pretty bad for being a state away. Though, we are making plans to be with each other since I need to escape my abusive parents and she needs to escape hers.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,
I woke up sick today so that was really freaking crappy. I felt like I was going to throw up. Though I have been feeling pretty sick these past few days. I’ve felt feverish and tired. I’ve been cold and pretty bleh feeling. So it’s pretty crappy to be sick on my friend’s birthday. Though I am feeling a bit better than this morning which is good. But I am still feeling a bit sick though. Not as much but still sick. So like half better, I guess? I’ve been trying to drink as much water as I can though to make sure I flush out whatever is in me.
So, as stated before it is my friend’s birthday. So go send her well wishes on her tumblr at 570creatures-deathmarch. I want to make sure she gets a lot of asks wishing her well since I can not be with her today. Though I hopefully will be sometime soon. We’ve made plans to move in together once I leave high school. I hope that I can get a lost of asks sent to her blog to make sure she feels happy for once. So, go send her some good messages to her.
I’ve been taking the day to work on some of my writing and I’m liking the way I’m writing Jinxx’s point of view. Just know that I will be changing the names of the characters once I am done before I put it up on the internet. I wish I could make sure I had the motivation to keep this going for the years I will have to work on this. There is a lot of research involved with this series. But oh well, here’s another excerpt:
Before the heroin, I thought about my life. Especially the high classes I was taking. I was in college part time by the age of sixteen and full time by the time I was a senior. I was under such pressure to get into a good college and make a name for myself. But I mentally broke during my senior year. I couldn’t take any of the pressures anymore and I just wanted to feel like a normal human being. I felt like I needed one more piece of me to be alive. After the heroin, it was all I could think about.
“Did I space out again?” My voice was raspy as if it hadn’t been used in a few days or as if I smoked on a regular basis.
“Yes you did and I asked you a question. I’ll ask it again if you need me too.” She leaned on her knees and looked at me with her soft brown eyes.
“Yes, can you please ask me the question again?” My voice became softer with every word eventual faltering to the point where the last word barely left my lips.
“I asked you, why do you think that you wanted to kill yourself on Christmas? Why not Christmas Eve or the day after?”
“I guess it’s because everyone is so happy the day before Christmas and the day after. They’re relishing in the holiday spirit. People are relaxing and enjoying their time before or after the stress of Christmas. Though, I guess this year I couldn’t handle the pain of the anniversary of my parents announcing their divorce.”
“And when did they announce their divorce to you?” Her voice was soft, yet stern, probing me for more than what I was willing to give.
“The day after Christmas. They totally ruined the holiday spirit for me. I didn’t care about ruining it for anyone else.”

Love,
Unknown

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Dear reader,
I don’t feel like a journal today so here’s apart of my fanfiction: I walked down the street, my hands in my pockets. The snow softly feel and caught to my hair. I ducked into a coffee shop and looked at all of the customers. A few looked at me and smiled lightly. I smiled back and headed to the counter. The barista working at the counter nodded as soon as she caught eyes with me. She began making my order, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. I smiled and walked over to my booth all the way in the back of the shop near a huge window which allowed me to see people walk past while I wrote.
“Snow in November is never a good sign, or at least to me. It means that we will get a pretty bad winter this year.” The barista brought me my drink and I smiled slightly at her as I took my drink from her.
“I like the snow when it comes. It gives me more inspiration to write.” I sipped on my hot chocolate and the barista smiled, walking off to tend to other customers.
I opened my tattered notebook, an old English notebook, and looked down at the blank paper in front of me once I opened it up. I looked at the pen in my hands and the paper beneath me. Words were meant to be pouring out of me. I was meant to be a writer. I was meant to write words and create. I need to create or else I get too overwhelmed. It kind of keeps me sane while I try to figure out my life. Like a job and university to please my family. But I loved my writing and drawing, being creative as hell. I picked up my pen and wrote.
“I’ve seen you here almost every day this week. Are you a local here or are you taking a vacation and taking in the local sites?”
I looked up at the voice and smiled. A man with red eyes and large gauges looked down at me. He had gauges in his nose as well. The man had long, shoulder length dark hair. He had a slim body. Not the kind of body you’d expect for a police officer. He had a few tattoos and a few freckles across his cheeks. He smiled down at me and nodded lightly. The man sat down across from me and I took one look at him and noticed his police uniform. I straightened up and the man giggled lightly at me.
“You don’t have to get all stiff around me, I am off duty at the moment. I just got off of my night shift.”
“Okay, officer. I just don’t normally trust police officers. We don’t have that good of a relationship.”
“Well I’m not that much of a bad cop anyways. I mostly just take drunks and prostitutes to jail for the night. It’s not that much fun, I don’t get to do any of the fun stuff like the murders and the drug dealers.”
“You still make me nervous seeing as I used to work as a stripper. Even if my work was pretty legal, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be nervous around you.”
“Yeah, I guess you could be rightfully nervous around me. I will hopefully not arrest you while I’m on duty one night.”

 

Love,
Unknown

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Dear reader,
I am too tired again, so here is another excerpt from my fanfiction: But, my own insecurities always got the best of me. I was too unconventionally attractive. I had light brown skin and tattoos covering my right arm. I had a gap between my front teeth. As I said before, my body was pretty scrawny. I had a naturally fast metabolism that I couldn’t really control. I just wished that I looked masculine and that I wasn’t the way I was. I looked so fucking dorky and I knew I had the stupid, dorky laugh to match. Plus, I’m sure Ashley was one hundred percent straight seeing as he chased porn stars. Either that or he was compensating for something he was trying to hide.
Even if I did get with Ashley, I know that he will leave. He will leave when I get panic attacks. He will leave when I have a mental breakdown. He will leave when the mental illness acts up. He will leave when I lock myself in my room for hours on end. He will leave when I begin controlling my own food and not eating again. He will leave me and he will leave me heartbroken. They will always leave when the mental illness acts up. I think he will be the same, at least I think he will. He seems like that kind of person.
I looked at the paper below me and looked at the words on the page. I was always surprised that I could write as neatly as I could that
A long time ago, in a place far away there lived a lonely king and his son, the prince. Now the king had everything he ever wanted except he never got to see his son happy. The prince found that he was always so lonely. Eventually one day he traveled outside and came upon a huge, old abandoned castle that stood beside the ocean. The prince decided to go inside and look around. All around there were beautiful crystals and diamonds of all shapes and sizes. The prince however became scared when he stumbled upon the huge dragon that occupied the old castle. So trying to leave the prince fell and awoke the dragon who went up to him; his giant face and eyes looking at the prince.
"Why have you come?" The dragon asked in his roaring voice, causing the prince to jump back several feet and slip on some jeweals that were behind him. The prince quickly caught himself and stood up to his feet.
The prince, who had grown quite scared, said, "I am usually lonely, I came here on a journey of wonder and entered your castle. I never imagined a creature such as you would inhabit this place."
The dragon, eager to learn more laid down and told the prince to tell him why he was so lonely. For a while the prince would go to the old abandoned castle to see the dragon who in turn helped take away some of the prince's loneliness. He asked so many questions whose answers spanned days, sometimes even weeks. The dragon intently listened to the prince’s answers and formulated amazing questions. The prince, happy to know that the dragon was listening to him, told his friend more and more stories. Some days the dragon would ask the prince to bring a book from the castle’s library and read it to him. Other days, the dragon was just happy to hear the prince’s stories.

Love,
Unknown

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https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/trap-dont-stop-ep/id1285103408

Dear reader,

Hey, so my mom kept me up all night with the sounds of her fucking her knew fuck toy (he spanked her again...) so I was up from 11pm-2am and I am so fucking tired. Excuse the third excerpt of the week. I'm also stayed up to wait for Trap Don't Stop to drop which was exciting. Also, I am getting my TRaP DEMoN shirts in the mail, so yay! I also bought the TRaP DEMoN album today. I am so proud of my lovely little boy. Seeing him succeed would mean alot to me. So check him out on SoundCloud and ITunes. He deserves this especially as this is his first solo EP away from Motionless In White. So listen to it and stream it please. I don't know how much I can stress to you all that he deserves some sort of success. He's so nice and sweet and gorgeous. Vinny's fanbase is also so nice to each other. They are all so loving and nice to each other as well. So, here's some more excerpts:

We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. These words rang in my head as the dust settled on the battlefield. My footfalls were deafeningly silent against the backdrop of the distant sounds of screaming. The world was covered in different hues of grey. The world was black and white, void of all color. I looked down and saw the destroyed faces of fallen soldiers. Some were rotting and others were freshly killed. The scent of death clung to the air. I pulled my bandana over my face. I looked over the air and tried to see the sun through the thick smog. I looked over to the sides of no man's land. Soldiers waited to fire at will. My boots crunched against the bones of the dead. A shiver went down my back and I looked ahead towards the destroyed city ahead of me.

And here's another one: "Why were you consumed with such pain, Jeremy?" I growled lightly and looked away from my therapist.

"Because I have a mental illness. Are you even a certified therapist or are you just taking my money?"

"I'm not here to take your money Jeremy. I'm here to make sure you are ready to go out into the world."

"Why would I ever be ready to go out into the world? I might be able to 'function' like a normal human being but if and when people find out I was put into a rehabilitation center they'll immediately ostracize me."

"Why would that be so wrong? Why would being here be so wrong?" She prodded as I turned my head towards her slowly once again.

"Because I want to be as close to normal as possible, miss." I never bothered learning these therapist names as they changed so frequently that they all blurred together.

"Why is normalcy so needed for you to accept your place in society?"

So I feel like that's all of the news I have for you all today. I will see you all tomorrow with some more news from my fucking life. At least I'm at my dad's house.

Love,

Unknown

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Dear reader,
Okay, but could all of you consider donating to NaNoWriMo’s official website or something. Because like, when you donate, you not only support people’s novel writing dreams, you help transform people into creators who see new possibilities in the world and act on them. NaNoWriMo relies on your donations to pay for things such as web hosting services, pep talks, Come Write In resources, and classroom kits to help people tell their stories. Did you know it costs $39,000 to run our Municipal Liaison program, which empowers 900+ volunteers to coordinate in-person write-ins around the world? Did you know it costs $43,000 to send our Young Writers Program classroom kits, free-of-charge, to 2,000 classrooms around the world? Did you know it costs $55,000 to keep the forums on the NaNoWriMo site up and running, and fully moderated as a creative space for 300,000+ writers? I know that I am getting this information out to creative types. So I know that all of you know the struggle. AsMitali Perkins says: “Storytelling is a powerful act. Stories have the mysterious power to widen hearts and change minds. The psyche is never quite the same after receiving a story.”
There’s also this lovely thing hosted by NaNoWriMo called the Night of Writing Dangerously. What is it as I hear you in the background not commenting on my fuck up of a life. Well, I’ll tell you nonexistent reader. It is, according to their website: Six hours of writing, accompanied by dinner and drinks in a ballroom overlooking the twinkling lights of downtown San Francisco. If you want to see just how classy this event really is, you can check out photos on our Facebook page. Sunday, November 19, 2017, 4:00 to 11:00 PM. Cocktail hour will be held in the bar from 4:00 to 5:00. The writing will begin when the ballroom opens at 5:00! It will be held at the Julia Morgan Ballroom, Merchants Exchange Building, 15th Floor, San Francisco, California. The theme is noir. Costumes are not required, but they are encouraged! Your mission, if you choose to accept it: raise $300 for the nonprofit behind NaNoWriMo. As soon as you’ve raised at least $300, fill out the RSVP form! If you raise $425 or more, you can bring a guest: just RSVP with a “plus one” on your form. Keep in mind that the ballroom we’ve rented can only seat 225 folks, so we have to limit attendance to the first 225 people who RSVP. Why should I? Because we want to write with you and celebrate the incredible power of creativity! Plus, proceeds from the evening make our programs possible, including the classroom-based Young Writers Program. Last year, 299 dangerous writers raised over $56,000—money we’ve used to fund and improve our events. Come show your support this year by helping us reach our $70,000 fundraising goal! 2016′s grand prizes for our top fundraisers included: A laptop from our friends at Scrivener, life Coach For Writers sessions with children’s book editor and author, Kendra Levin, a beautiful 9.7 inch iPad Pro with Smart Keyboard from Ulysses, along with a license for their software, a beautiful and innovative Freewrite for distraction-free noveling and one full editorial assessment and one cover design from Reedsy. Everyone will have a chance to take home a basket of awesome prizes. Every attendee automatically gets five raffle tickets, then will receive an additional ticket for every $50 raised above the initial ticket price. In 2017, the baskets will include these awesome prizes: an awesome variety of goodies from Out of Print Clothing, illustrated writing prompt sets from Writing Maps, amazing poetry kits from Magnetic Poetry, Family Fun Pack tickets to the attractions at Pier 39, four general admission tickets to the Walt Disney Family Museum, the latest games from Games by Playdate, two tickets to any show in the 2017-2018 season at the California Shakespeare Theater and more. We’ve got all kind of treats for our 2017 dangerous writers! Last year, attendees received: a tote bag inspired by our sleek and dangerous 2016 poster designed by Andy Gregg, filled with books and other treats from our sponsors, coffee from Atlas Coffee, dessert provided by Sugarsweet Cookie+Cake Studio, a life-altering amount of encouragement, inspiration, and writerly mojo, dinner, and a multitude of snacks, including a fully stocked candy buffet, free drinks from our open bar including beer, wine, and specialty cocktails like the Noveltini and Cosmonovelton, a chance to get your author photo taken by professional photographer, Ken Goudey and more.
You can also give by: shopping through AmazonSmile automatically donates 0.5% of the price of your eligible purchases to NaNoWriMo—at no extra cost to you. To choose to donate to NaNoWriMo, click the button below (on the NoaNo website), then log in to your Amazon account. Then just continue to shop. Make sure you shop through AmazonSmile every time you log on to keep contributing! Believe it or not, you can also help National Novel Writing Month by doing a favorite activity of every writer: buying books and writing supplies. Writer’s Digest will also donate 12% for each book purchase you make here. Amazon donates 6% of every purchase you make if you begin by clicking through the link on the NaNo website, whether you buy the latest bestseller or a laptop. Use Goodsearch.com to search the web, you’ll earn a penny for NaNoWriMo with every search. Use Goodshop.com to shop online, choose from over 7,000 major stores (like ITunes, Barnes & Noble, and Target) and 100,000 coupons, and earn a percentage of each purchase for NaNoWriMo. You can “drive” creativity by donating your vehicle through Donate Car USA. Your donated vehicle will be sold at auction, and the proceeds will go to NaNoWriMo.
There’s also the Come Write In movement. NaNoWriMo’s Come Write In (CWI) program connects libraries, bookstores, and other neighborhood spaces with their local NaNoWriMo participants (or Wrimos) to build vibrant writing communities. Every November, thousands of writers around the world congregate at Come Write In spaces to pursue their creative dreams and write the first draft of their novel. What You Get as an Official Come Write In Location: a Come Write In kit. For the cost of shipping, we’ll send you a poster, a window cling, and some bookmarks to help spread the word about the events you’re hosting during NaNoWriMo. The Come Write In forum. Network and chat with other libraries, bookstores, and community centers that are hosting events and local volunteers. If you’re interested, we’ll connect you with any Municipal Liaisons in your area: they can help you spread the word about your events, co-host your events, and keep you in the loop regarding your region’s creative goings-on.
Finally, a short excerpt from my novel because why not keep up the steak of oversharing information? My phone vibrated in my pocket and I wiggled out of Aura’s grip. I looked over at Maddox and he nodded. I smiled at Maddox and looked at my phone. A text from Valentina popped up on my screen. I could already feel that the text was bad. That it was all about Liam and how he was doing. I took a deep breath and let it all out. Aura looked down and he pulled me out of the room as I began shaking. I paced outside of the room and shook out of fear. Aura looked at me and sighed, stopping me in my tracks. That’s all I have today, so have a great day/night.
Love,
Unknown

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Dear reader,
I’m super busy so I have another excerpt for you! I’m so fucking sorry about it but what can you do? The woman looked around the room and stood up. She came over and took off my handcuffs. Parker also took off my shackles. I stood up fully and smiled. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. I don’t know why but I loved looking up a ceilings. Sometimes I wanted to break out and fly out of any building. Right now, I really wanted to fly away. I looked over at Parker and she gestured towards the door. I nodded and placed my hand on the cool metal. I twisted the door, walking out of the room.
Liam’s mother stood at the end of the dark hallway. We caught each other’s eyes for a moment. For a second, we just stood there, looking at each other. She was shaking and crying. I looked at her and she broke down in tears. She dropped to her knees and shook. I ran over to here and helped her up. I pulled her into a hug as she sobbed. I let my own tears slip as we finally began crying over our mutual pain.
Liam’s mom had heard of the curse on Liam’s dad side of the family and didn’t enter the military. She was smart and kind as well as brave. Her name literally meant strong as well. Valentina also had another significance to her as well. She was born on Valentine’s Day. She looked a lot like her son. In fact, she was pretty much the female version of him. Liam, his mom and I always joked that she had cloned Liam. Even the long canine teeth that both of them had was an eerily similar trait, considering that it was a mostly recessive trait.
“L-L-Liam is...he’s in a...I don’t know how to tell you this,” Liam’s mom looked at me with eyes just like Liam’s. They were red from crying and there were bags from not
“Liam, is he at least okay? Is he in a stable condition? What happened to him? Is he okay? Please tell me Liam is okay?” Liam’s mom shook her head as more tears slipped.
“He’s in a coma, Crow and he’s not doing so well. He’s unresponsive and in a coma from some weird brain injury that I can’t pronounce. I think it’s some rare brain condition and Liam, he’s on ventilation. We have to decide whether I pull him off of life support or not. Either way, he’s going to die from his injuries. I wanted to tell you before I took him off of life support,” Valentina wiped her dried tears and looked at me.
“Can I come with you to the hospital? I promised him that he wouldn’t die alone.” Valentina nodded and we headed out, our hands intertwined.
We went into the parking lot where Valentina’s old minivan sat. It had a few bumps and scratches from Liam practicing his driving. I smiled at the memories and Valentina did too. We took a few seconds to look at them before I hopped into the passenger seat. Valentina followed after my actions soon after. She started the car and pulled off into the night. We zoomed down the highway towards the hospital. The car ride was the only time we broke the hands.
We rushed into the huge hospital once we were there. Our hands were now back together. I practically dragged Valentina to the room where Liam was being held. She had previously told me where he was being held. The sound of my combat boots calmed me a bit, but not much. I smirked when people looked at me weirdly. I kept moving and ran up the stairs to the ICU. Valentina followed me and we eventually stopped holding hands.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Y’all, the rough draft for my English class, English 125! Any rational human being would argue that people should go to college for education purposes only and become more well-rounded later. Others would say that people should go to college to become a well-rounded individual. Another group of people say that a person should go to college both for education and to become a well-rounded individual. One point people can all agree on is that people must become more well-rounded. Circles, much like how some human beings would argue, are rounded. To be a well-rounded individual, people have to morph to become said circle. This person has to become a well-rounded individual to fit societal pressures. How they might go about becoming a well-rounded individual is up to them. Yet, in a new, more technologically advanced world going to college isn’t as needed as it once was.
There is a set of criteria that comes with being well-rounded. All criteria is subjective to the person asked. But there are some are going to come up in conversation, if one is having such a conversation about being a well-rounded individual. A person must be educated to some degree to become a well-rounded individual. Another criteria is that a person must not only be educated to have a speciality. One must have a good set of core values such as loyalty and dependability. Maybe even some sort of organized religion comes out of this conversation. Some people might even point out extracurriculars in high school or college. But every person’s answers are going to be different. Their well-rounded individual is different from another person’s well-rounded individual.
College is a steep price to pay to become a well-rounded individual. People could take internships that offer the same amount of well-roundedness as college. Others might take a gap year and work before heading off to college with a little money in their pocket. Some have aging or disabled family that they have to take care of. Price, when factored in, is a huge fact that many can not pay, even if they are able to get scholarships. College is just not an option for many and even when it is, some people still choose not to go. A degree is nice for some people and is a ticket for better paying jobs. To become well-rounded as a person, college is not the only way to go.
There is no point to going to college to be a well-rounded individual. There is no one way to become well-rounded. College is not a singular way to become a great person. Some people are born overachievers and excel in extracurriculars. Others feel like being well-rounded comes with being with people outside of a schooling environment. People sometimes tend to go on trips around the country to see what life has to offer. Others move away from their country and travel the world to become more well-rounded as they experience other cultures and become more well-rounded. Some people even volunteer in different, third-world countries or even in different communities. When someone breaks away from their own culture, even if it’s just getting away from their own neighborhood and community, they are getting experience that some may argue is better than whatever classroom could offer.
On the other hand, some people say that college is a great way to become a more well-rounded individual. This makes sense because education is ingrained into Western Culture. People are forced more and more into education to the point where teens are crying out for help. Teachers and adults ask where kids are going to college, not if they are going. People are making sure kids and teens are spending money on college. Western Culture values education and what happens to a teen after high school. This includes what they might do like a gap year or making sure some people feel terrible for not going to college, even shaming them and calling them less than or not useful to society for not spending money on college or university. College only achieves a diploma (a piece of fancy paper) and student debt, not well-roundedness as well-roundedness can come from more than just college. College may provide extracurriculars, but so does high school, which may provide less but the intention is still there.
In conclusion, college is not necessary for a well-rounded human being. People can agree that other human beings need to be well-rounded, it’s what makes the world turn. Some people value loyalty and dependability which shows that some traits are bred into a well-rounded people. Others provide religion as a notable feature of a well-rounded person. College is a pricey way to become a well-rounded person. High school offers a limited amount of the same extracurriculars colleges offer. Sometimes, college is not an option either. Thus, college is not needed to become a well-rounded person.
And another excerpt from my novel: Thunder rumbled and lightning stuck down the street. The storm was right on top of us and it didn’t look like it was going to let up soon. I looked around quickly and ducked into a cafe, pulling my hoodie down over my eyes while I pulled on my sunglasses. I looked down and sighed as I pulled my hands into the hoodie. I looked over to an empty table and rushed over to it as I slipped in the seat. The waitresses and waiters looked at me, quite terrified by my movements.
“Can I get an iced coffee, light on the ice, and a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, please?” The waitress nearest me nodded and hurried off into kitchen as another came and brought me the food menu.
“What the hell dude? You burst in here like you own the place and just sit down?” The waiter asked, sitting down across from me and I shook my head.
“What part of me screams ‘I am the worst person ever and I command whatever space I’m in’? Because I can tell you whatever you think, it’s not it.”
“No, you’re wearing sunglasses and a hoodie. It makes you look like D.B fucking Copper or something. It’s not a good look. You kind of look like a terrorist, no offence.”
“Oh,” I stop, aghast at his words. “No. None taken man. I just don’t feel all that well today. Migraines are a bitch, you know?”
“Why are you in a café then?” I growled lightly and looked away slightly as I snatched the menu out of the waiter’s hands.
“Don’t fucking judge my life choices.” The waiter shot up and scurried away as the customers looked in my general direction.
From Vinny’s POV: “Son, can you please leave mommy and daddy alone right now?” Even though I was sixteen my parents still referred themselves to ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ when addressing me.
“I know you two fuck when I leave the room.”

Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
So, today I started writing off of this prompt: You’re a vampire and I’m a witch, we both go to this private school in New England that has a small population of supernatural students. We meet because I need a vile of vampire venom for a potion and my demon best friend said you’re the person to talk to. We go to a school for supernatural beings and you’re the cutest witch I’ve ever seen but you’re kind of intimidating. This is what came out of it:
I moved about the dark, cold halls and looked at my hands. There were a few tattoos scrawled across my hands with dark ink, sigils I created myself and had enchanted to move. A few students and teachers walked past me but other than that, the halls were quiet. My footsteps created an echo as my booted feet collided with the marble flooring below me. The stone walls rose higher than anyone could ever imagine. They almost seemed to touch the sun some days. Other times the walls seemed to grow and sprout as if they were trees. A few students spoke in whispers but the walls ignited their soft voices into loud, thundering sparks.
I pulled my sweater closer to me as a chill blew through the long hall. I turned and tried to find a source of the wind, if there was to be any. But instead, I found nothing at least nothing that my eyes could detect. So, I turned back around and kept walking. Another breeze flew past me and I shivered, looking around for an answer. A woman, who happened to be walking past me, gave me the stink eye, as if she had felt no breeze. I shook the confusion off and kept walking.
A man, no taller than me, stopped me dead in my tracks before I had a chance to move any further down the hallway. Red eyes, as bright as hell itself, glowed underneath the black hoodie that he wore to obscure his face. The hoodie, which was as black as the man’s face, was ripped in three parallel lines that started at his right shoulder and ended at his left hip. A smile slowly crept to his cheeks as he flashed sharp, monstrous teeth. The man leaned in and growled lightly, his teeth wet with saliva. My eyes traveled down his body and towards his feet, if he had any. Instead of where his feet, there was a long trail of pitch black smoke. As frightening as the man seemed, I relaxed a bit when I saw a bit of uniform peeking out from underneath his hoodie.
“What are you doing, Josh? You could have blown our cover to that human.” I brought a hand to my chest as Josh laughed lightly as I began to walk down the hallway again.
“Awe, I was just having a bit of fun. I get too tired keeping up a human appearance. I don’t think you can fully comprehend how much energy it takes to look like a human.” Josh walked next to me as he transformed back into a human being, or a demon’s version of a human being.
Josh, now looking like a human being, was not much taller than me at the moment. When I wasn’t wearing heels like I was now, the five foot eight man stood only two inches taller than me. His head was bald and covered with clockwork style tattoos. I had yet to enchant them and make them moves. Josh said it was too risky to do a full head of tattoos unlike my smaller, more inocuas tattoos. One eye was white and one eye was black in color. Josh was slight in build and he moved closer to me with every step until he hit my shoulder as he swayed.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Final version of that paper: Any human being would argue that people should go to college for education purposes only and become more well-rounded later. A second group would say that people should go to college to become a well-rounded individual. The third group of people say that a person should go to college both for education and to become a well-rounded individual. Circles, much like how some human beings would argue, are rounded. One point people can all agree on is that people must become more well-rounded. To be a well-rounded individual, people have to morph to become said circle. For any person to become a well-rounded individual to fit societal pressures would be a strong feat of strength. How they might go about becoming a well-rounded individual is up to them. Yet, in a new, more technologically advanced world going to college isn’t as needed as it once was.
There is a set of criteria that comes with being well-rounded like being morally sound human being and being educated to a societally acceptable level. All criteria is subjective to the person asked. But there are some are going to come up in conversation. If one is having such a conversation about being a versatile individual in today’s society, a person must be educated to some degree to become this ideal individual. Another criteria is that a person must not only be educated to have a speciality, one must have a good set of core values such as loyalty and dependability and maybe even some sort of organized religion comes out of this conversation on becoming an accepted individual. Some people might even point out extracurriculars in high school or college. But every person’s answers are going to be different. Their ideal individual is different from another person’s ideal individual.
College is a steep price to pay to become a well-rounded individual. People could take internships that offer the same amount of well-roundedness as college. Others might take a gap year and work before heading off to college with a little money in their pocket. Some have aging or disabled family that they have to take care of. Price, when factored in, is a huge fact that many can not pay, even if they are able to get scholarships. College is just not an option for many and even when it is, some people still choose not to go. A degree is nice for some people and is a ticket for better paying jobs. College is not the only way to go to become well-rounded as a person.
There is no point to going to college to be a well-rounded individual because in the world of technology, there are many other ways to learn. There is no one way to become well-rounded and college is not a singular way to become a great person. Some people are born overachievers and excel in extracurriculars so they could be in college earlier than most and get a degree faster. That doesn’t do much as they don’t get the same experience as those who go the traditional route. People feel like being well-rounded comes with being with others outside of a schooling environment. People sometimes tend to go on trips around the country to see what life has to offer and learn from those experiences. Others move away from their country and travel the world to become more well-rounded as they experience other cultures and become more experienced and worldly. Some people even volunteer in third-world countries or even in different communities. When someone breaks away from their own culture, even if it’s just getting away from their own neighborhood and community, they are getting experience that some may argue is better than whatever a college classroom could offer since most people tend to stick to their comfort zones.
On the other hand, some people say that college is a great way to become a more experienced individual. This makes sense because education is ingrained into Western Culture. People are forced more and more into education to the point where teens are crying out for help. Teachers and adults ask where kids are going to college, not if they are going. People are making sure kids and teens are spending money on college because that’s what society pressures people to say and do. Western Culture values education and what happens to a teen after high school. This includes what they might do like a gap year or making sure some people feel terrible for not going to college, even shaming them and calling them less than or not useful to society for not spending money on college or university. College only achieves a diploma (a piece of fancy paper that proves that someone is specialized in a certain topic) and student debt, not becoming better as a human being as being better as a human being can come from more than just college. College may provide extracurriculars, but so does high school, which may provide less but the intention is still there.
College is not necessary for a well-rounded human being. People can agree and disagree that other human beings need to be well-rounded, it’s what makes the world turn. Some people value loyalty and dependability which shows that some traits are bred into a well-rounded people. Others provide religion as a notable feature of a well-rounded person. College is a pricey way to becoming the societally ideal person. High school offers a limited amount of the same extracurriculars colleges offer. Sometimes, college is not an option either as most people can not afford the experience that is college. People are expected to become this well-rounded person, this perfect circle by going to college. There are other ways to go to become experienced through not just a classroom environment but by going out and actually going out and experiencing the world. Thus, college is not needed to become a well-rounded person.
I also wrote a bit more on the prompt I had...I think. But I also have my other WIPs. So I think that I will turn those into new scenes. Kind of like this one: There our seven lines of ancient witches referred to as the Seven Devil, there are certain alliances amongst the families and certain feuds. One night a whole line is whipped out, they were an ally of my line an enemy of yours. You’re suspected of being apart of the killings but I can prove your innocence. The only problem is our lines are enemies as well and my family advises me not to because it’ll give our line more power. Bonus: My line was actually behind whipping out the line because they were power hungry and framed your line. Maybe even kind of like this one: I’m a witch and one night while I’m walking home I’m murdered by someone or something unknown. But a few day later I wake up in the morgue. I got my friend who says that I was saved due to vampire venom in my system, vampire venom in small amounts can slowly heal someone but they’ll appear dead until they’ve made a full recovery. I try to find the vampire who saved me and find you. You tell me you found me bleeding out, near death on the side of the road while you were walking into town so you bit me to save me. Bonus: You help me find the person or thing that tried to kill me.

 

Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Here’s a little bit off of a Halloween prompt: “Look, being a demon is tiring and all and I know you get tired keeping your human form, Josh. But you have to, for the sake of our community.”
“I don’t care about this fucking monster community. They definitely don’t care about me with the witch hunt they’re doing on my kind,” Josh growled and balled his fists up at his sides as I glared at him.
“Sorry, wrong choice of words but you know what I mean, don’t you?” Josh asked as he caught my eyes and the rage behind them.
“No, I don’t know what you mean to be perfectly honest. My ancestors were hunted, but none of them were ever caught. Only non-magical people were caught and tried for being witches. It’s a common misconception that real witches were tried during the Salem Witch Trials. Though a few real witches were tried and killed near the Fae Forests in Dublin, Ireland.”
“Fae Forests,” Josh looked at me and stopped his walking for a moment. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of the Fae Forests.”
“That’s because only a select few know about the Fae Forests. Mostly witches and other magical folk. A woman by the name of Aine lead a man, Jonathan, to her fairies when one had angered her. Which lead to the witch and fae hunts. Though, the story is unclear to most of us. But I know all of what my mother told me when I was a young girl.”
“And what did she tell you, Ryan Ashley? What did she implant into a young child’s mind?” Josh walked once more at a pace that matched mine.
“I think that story is best told once we find a place away from the humans.” I pushed on the door and walked out into the unseasonably warm air.
“Why are humans so important to you? No one else cares about humans listening to their magical conversations.”
“I care because I don’t want anyone who knows my parents to know that I am a witch to find out and tell them.”
“You still haven’t told your parents that you go to a school for supernatural beings and that you’re a fucking witch.”
“No, I haven’t because people like them shouldn’t have to know that I’m much more different from them than what they thought, okay?”
And a little bit from a contemporary book which I might need to outline tonight: That was right, I was officially homeless after I came out to my dad. I knew he would hate me being transgender but I needed some way to get out of the house. At least, a way in which I wouldn’t be hunted down by the police for. I was free of my abusive dad at least. But now I had nowhere to go, no place to call my own. I walked away from my stuffy house and into the world surrounding me. The trees were beginning to change color and a few leaves had already fallen to the ground. The air was crisp but provided a warm confort. A warm welcome into a new life and another chapter of my life. I walked to the nearest library and hid behind one of the bookshelves.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Remember that contemporary novel I was going to outline? Well, here’s a rough outline: Vincenzo is kicked out of his house for being gay and he reflects on his religious upbringing. Vincenzo heads to a cafe and meets a man by the name of Ivan James Sanders. Vincenzo spends the next few days in the cafe and Ivan offers him a place to stay once he finds out that Vincenzo is homeless. He refuses and after a bit he says yes. After a few months of being together, Ivan asks Vincenzo on a date and he says yes. Vincenzo gets really nervous about his first date as a gay man, not wanting to be overdressed and/or underdressed. Ivan and Vinny have a nice date and end the night with a kiss. The Food Network is Ivan’s guilty pleasure and when Vinny comes home, Ivan’s made a full three course meal and he loves making cookies and baking in general. Ivan asks Vinny to be his boyfriend after a few more dates. Ivan and Vinny spend a day making cookies and eating cookie dough while you watch Disney movies (they sing along to all the songs). Vincenzo heads to pick of groceries and ends up being the victim of a hate crime (beating by two men hired by Vincenzo’s dad). Vincenzo comes home and Ivan encourages him to go to the police. Vincenzo goes to the police station and meets a woman attacked by the same people. Vincenzo and Anastasia spend a lot of time together and eventually get together in secret behind Ivan’s back, he doesn’t know. Ivan begins downing himself saying that he's not good enough for an angel like Vincenzo. He begins to lose weight even though Vincenzo think Ivan looks perfect. Vincenzo begins to leave little notes that read "I love you, beautiful" in random places like the mirror and on the shampoo bottle to keep Ivan away from Anastasia and him since Ivan is becoming suspicious. Ivan finds out and becomes angry and breaks up with Vincenzo. Vincenzo becomes remorseful and breaks up with Anastasia after the trial ends with the aggressors being let go which sends Vincenzo into a depression as well. Vincenzo gives Ivan a rose and a teddy on Valentine's day after a nice dinner to apologize to Ivan. Ivan and Vincenzo get back to normal after a few months. Vincenzo deals with his depression and anxiety. He goes to therapy where the therapist tries to convert him back to being straight. Vincenzo asks Ivan to take his gay virginity. Ivan says yes and they have sex. Vincenzo gets really nervous his first time thinking he's gonna crush Ivan with his weight and he's very slow to kiss Ivan for the first time, so Ivan do it. Ivan loves teasing during sex, like he has the best time seeing Vincenzo moan but won't let Vincenzo cum until he does. Anastasia ends up trying to break up Ivan and Vincenzo again but they’re not having it. Ivan loves pulling his man onto his lap and kissing him all over, raking his fingers down Vincenzo’s back, whispering sweet nothings like “Your eyes look like a blue ocean” and “If I had to; I’d travel the universe with you”. Vincenzo buys a cat for Ivan and Ivan gets jealous cause Vincenzo gives the cat more attention than he does to Ivan. Ivan kisses Vincenzo in random places like the back of his neck and his toes. Ivan thinks Vincenzo is his king and the light of his life, his sun and stars. Vincenzo keeps in contact with Anastasia. Ivan proposes to Vincenzo with the condition that he would cut off contact from Anastasia and he says yes. Vincenzo would bring Ivan flowers on his birthday, anniversary and every chance Vincenzo got. Ivan would always want to dance with Vincenzo and loves nuzzling his nose into Vincenzo’s neck. Ivan would opt for a traditional wedding and he loves writing songs for Vincenzo and wrote one for their wedding. Ivan and Vincenzo get matching tattoos each time a baby is born in the family (three in total). After Vincenzo dies Ivan takes his walker and walks to Vincenzo’s grave on every birthday and anniversary saying "Isla got married today and I still love you after all these years that you've been gone".
All names are subject to change as well. I am only in the planning stages as well. I am so happy and I feel like this could be the one I finish. That I feel like I am going to make it with this one. But I may have too high of hopes for myself. That I may be able to keep high hope for myself. I also started Kuza’s point of view: To say that being a cop is easy would be an understatement. I worked my ass off day in and day out for very little payback. I was sleep deprived, as most rookie cops are, and I used coffee to survive. Everyday I would walk into this little, local café and get my morning coffee after my long night shift. Most days I would notice this nice little piece of ass in the corner. I swore to myself the first day I saw her that I would hit it. I mean, if I ever got the courage to actually speak to her. But, today was not my day. Tap that ass one day and leave cum all over her ass.
I also have more of m original story: “I should be heading out now. I don’t want to overstay my welcome now that my friend is dead.” I looked down and rubbed my arms a bit, getting an arctic freeze all at once.
“Would you mind it if I took you home? Seems like your ride left.” Maddox stood and extended a hand to me.
“Yeah, I should probably get going. I bet my mom is worried about me.” I stood and took Maddox’s hand.
I walked down the hallways with Aura and Maddox. Maddox took me to the parking garage and to a rundown van. He blushed a bit and looked at his hands. I looked at him and helped me into the van. He smiled as Aura took a seat in the back, where a small couch sat. I smiled a bit and looked down a bit. Aura buckled up after grabbing a water out of the fridge in the back. There were a few boxes of clothes and books along with a small TV.
“I still can’t believe you live in this fucking thing. How do you bang people in here?” Aura asked as Maddox started the van. He shrugged and looked down a bit.
“I don’t know how I do, I just do. I guess I just give good head.” Maddox pulled out of his parking spot and smiled a bit.
“No, no, no. You do not give good head, you receive good head.” Aura lifted his drink and took a swig.
“Well, I might just have a huge dick then. I make these dudes choke on my alpha cock.” Maddox chuckled and looked at the man through the rearview mirror.
“You do not have an alpha cock. To have that there has to be an alpha attached to it.” Aura took another swig of his drink and chuckled. Maddox smiled and looked at Aura again through the mirror.
“I am not a twink then, if that is what you’re implying then Aura. I will never ever be a twink, ever.”
“No, I would never call you a twink honey. You are a twunk, a tink slash hunk okay? I would never stoop so low as to call you a twink. Do you really think that low of me?”
“No, I would never call you a twink honey. You are a twunk, a tink slash hunk okay?”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Season fifteen of Ghost Adventures premieres tonight. This show means so much to me. I have been watching this show almost as I have been alive. I have been watching it every Friday (now Saturday) night since it premiered. It’s like a home away from home and a nice way to relax on any given night. Though, I know it’s a weird way of relaxing. But they’re my only way of relaxing now. I love how the show is just my way to relax. It’s my favorite fall way to relax.
Though, I know that I will be a lifelong fan. Though I never want to miss a season, it is inevitable due to my bust schedule. I love watching seasons I missed on demand. I love that I can catch up now easily. Ghost Adventures makes me so happy and I don’t know how I can repay the men who keep me so happy. It seems kind of silly now but I grew up with these people. I was so young and maybe they may have helped with my masculinity a little bit.
These men were like...in their emotions. They were terrified and showed it. They showed off their masculinity, I guess. They were scared and terrified. But they’re not afraid to be goofy as all hell. Sometimes they even break down in tears. I remember one episode when Zak, for Valentine’s Day, tried to write a poem for his girlfriend at the time. I kind of like it to be honest. Like, maybe I don’t have to be this macho man. That I don’t have to exaggerate my masculine side to be a man.
Though, even though I am confident in being a man, I get really down on myself. I sit here, in a literal bundle of pink, wondering why I just couldn’t be a woman. How it would be so much easier. How I could get a boyfriend so much easier if I slapped on some makeup and acted like a girl. Even my friend thinks everything would be so much easier if I did that. I believe her too because I had a few potential eyes on me when I was a female. Even if none of them panned out men were interested in me. But even then, I am overweight and clingy as fuck.I feel like I’ll never have someone who loves me. Maybe one day I’ll look back on this with a man on my arm and I’ll be a man, on testosterone.
Or maybe I’ll be reading this alone. With a bottle of wine or something in my hands, drinking my night away because I have failed. I could pass everything else but the one thing I failed at was being a decent human being. To be someone worth something to society. I’m smart and that can take me far but all I want is a man who wants me as is. Fat and loud laugh, all of it. How good it would feel to finally be with someone who loves me. But I don’t want to wait anymore to be honest. How long do I have to wait for that man to come into my life? How long do I have to wait until I find that man? Is he waiting out there for me? Is he single at the moment or is he in love with someone else? Does he look up at the moon and wish for me like I wish for him? Does he not know that we are maybe meant to be? Does he live in another country? Does he follow me on social media and pine for me? Does his heart call out for me like mine does for him? Have I met this man yet? Have we passed on the streets? Have we already met and I dismissed him because I thought he was straight? Does he have any siblings or talents? Is he happy right now or is he depressed? Is he extroverted and introverted? Is he an ambivert? Does he like photography or does he like any rock music? Does he, more importantly, look like Mike fucking Kuza and act like him?
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Well look who started a new novel they probably won’t finish? Me and it’s turning out pretty well. I wrote about three pages today, which is nice. I have an excerpt all ready to go since that’s all I did today, so here you go: “Do you think you could just please go one day without pissing me off?” I threw the letter into the top drawer of my desk and headed to the top of the stairs. Here, the letter would be safe from the prying eyes of my mother. At least I hoped to God that it would.
My mom was a religious freak or at least that's what she marketed herself as. But she still tended to read from the Bible and quote, more often than not incorrectly, from the holy book. She was the type of person who thought being gay was the worst possible sin on the planet. That and abortion and divorce, the hypocrite. She said she would have aborted me if she wasn’t so far along. That and she divorced my father for the little fucktoy she was probably riding the dick of right now. My mom had committed the one of the three worst sins in her eyes, two if you count the time she almost aborted me. I committed the other sin, I was gay.
“If I am in my room not making any noticeable noise, I don’t think I could piss you off today or any time that I am not making noise?” I called down to my mom, who was probably on her ninth or tenth beer at this point in the day.
“That’s the point, I don’t hear you making any sort of noise up there. You’re a seventeen year old boy, shouldn’t you be fucking some cheerleader girl?”
“First off, I’m out of high school and I’m eighteen. Secondly, it would be a little creepy if I began dating a cheerleader.” I spread my legs a bit and leaned forward. Not the best projection stance, but it worked.
“Just stop pissing me off okay, go find a fucking girl or get out of the fucking house.” I groaned and went into my room, throwing on a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater. I put on a pair of combat boots and grabbed my laptop. I jotted down the steps and before I left the house I grabbed my keys off the hook near the front door.
The sunlight hit my face and I looked up at the sky lightly. The warm rays hit my face and I grinned. I pulled the sweater down over my hands and balled them into fists. I carried my laptop underneath my armpit and walked briskly to the cafe. It was only a few blocks away from my house. But it was far enough from my mom and her boyfriend, whom she seemed to fuck almost every night and very loudly for that matter. I couldn’t see her now that I was out of the house. I couldn’t hear her either, which was the good part. I hated hearing her have sex with that young little shit who wanted to call himself my father.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, jolting me out of my thoughts. I checked the caller ID, my mom. My heart filled with dread. She never called me on my phone. She always called other people, but not me. I took a deep breath as the phone vibrated in my hand. Accept or decline? Accept and get yelled at now or decline and get yelled at later. I took another deep breath and sighed lightly. I accepted and lifted the phone to my ear.
“What is this letter you wrote? Why are you talking about a man?” A slow southern drawl mixed with an angry Italian accent dripped from each word.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Another excerpt, I’m sorry. “Yeah,” A blush creeped to my cheeks. “I guess that would be mine. I’m sorry, I was in a little bit of a haze when I walked in here.”
“You did give Lilly over there quite a scare. She thought the zombie apocalypse had started,” The man chuckled and blushed lightly as he sat down across from me. “What’s your name then? Since we didn’t seem to catch it the first time.”
“The name is Vincenzo Augustus Walters, if it pleases you and if we’re on the topic of exchanging names, what is yours?”
“The name is Ivan James Sanders, if it pleases you, and you have caught my eye.” He mocked my pleasant tone of voice and smiled lightly.
“Now that we have introduced ourselves, and you’ve done flattering yourself, shouldn’t you get back to work?” I asked politely as I wrapped my hands around the warm cup.
“Lucky for you, I am on my break as of right now and you are the lucky man who has caught the attention of the most attractive man in the room.”
“Oh? So we’re not done flattering ourselves, now have we?” Ivan leaned forward and smiled at me.
“Nope, we haven’t stopped but I would like to start flattering you. If it pleases you, of course. I wouldn’t do anything that you wouldn’t like. Or maybe you’re not attracted to men?”
“Oh no, I am definitely attracted to men. I am really, really gay. Like super gay. I am the king of gays,” I rambled nervously as my hands trembled all the same. Ivan giggled and tilted his head back as it turned into full on laughter. I joined in with him and laughed as well.
“I don’t think I need any more convincing. I’m pretty sure I know you’re gay now.” Ivan flashed me a smile, a gap between his front teeth showing.
“I’m sorry, I’m not really good at these kinds of things. I’ve only had one boyfriend before and he never really came onto me much. He more of forced me to be with him. There was nothing romantic going on though.”
“Well then, I may have to make up for that. Or are you still dating that asshole who doesn’t know how to treat a man?”
“Nope, we broke up after graduation. He moved on to some freshman honeybunny who doesn’t know his reputation.”
“Ew,” Ivan scrunched up his nose and shook his head as he chuckled a bit. “That sounds disgusting.”
“It kind of is. He’s a disgusting man though.” I scrunched up my nose all the same and giggled a bit.
“So, what’s our deal? You look like you’ve had a rough few hours, my man.” I nodded lightly and took a sip of my drink.
“Yeah, my mom kicked me out today after she found a letter to my future soulmate. I guess it was warranted. All of that good Christian teaching went to waste.”
“You were born this way, Vincenzo. Nothing would ever change that. Not teachings or any environment you grew up in, okay?”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I hope to see a movie with my friends tomorrow. We want to test out our college IDs as soon as possible. We want to get those discounts while we can. Xanalya and I want to go see IT but Kylie is taking care of a young child. I don’t want to go see a children’s movie. So maybe Xanalya and I will go see IT and Kylie go see some kids movie with the child. We’ll figure it out tomorrow. Maybe we’ll go get something to eat as well. Though, it depends on what time the movies get out. I just hope I can go see IT with someone I know won’t judge me for IT (punny, I know).
Welp, here’s a writing update. My work in progress is still untitled to be honest. The title hasn’t screamed out to me just yet. But I am only on chapter one. The word count from last night was 1,873. I hope to write 1,817. So I was a little bit over last night. Which is great because I’ll get busy soon. But, another excerpt but from last night’s writing, as it will be from now on because I am lazy as fuck but I’ll have more time to update you later on my life: My hand slowly moved to my side, the dial tone running. I walked slowly to the cafe in a zombie-like state. I didn’t care if I ran into people. I just wanted to get to a place where I felt safe. A whole range of emotions ran through me. My heart beat loudly in my chest. I clutched a hand to my heart. My head pounded so hard that I feel like it was going to burst open. The other hand flew to my temple. My feet felt like cinder blocks. They dragged on the ground as I walked. My eyes were failing me for the first time in my life. I was seeing in double vision.
“Hello sir, would you like some hot chocolate? There’s a special today on it. It’s two fifty instead of three.” The woman’s voice was far away, like I was under water. I nodded slightly and pulled some crumbled one dollar bills out of my pocket. I tossed them onto the counter and went to go find a seat.
I struggled into my seat and folded my hands in front of me. They were pale and veiny as I wasn’t healthy enough to sustain my normal tanned skin tone. I pulled seat closer to the table, crushing my stomach with the edge of the table. The rest of me felt numb to the point of pain. My stomach twisted and turned like it was sick. There was nothing in my stomach, my mother refused to feed me. She only had enough food to feed her and her fucktoy boyfriend. I felt sick to my stomach and excited all at the same time.
I was free of my wretched mother. The woman who had abused me since conception. The woman who gave birth to me still high on weed. The woman who had beat me to the point of death when I refused to clean up a mess she had made. The same woman who had refused to feed me on a daily basis. She forced me to steal food from my school. But since I was out of school, I was forced to steal from her wallet when money came around. If nothing came of that, I stole from the local convenience store. I was able to live the life I wanted to live. To be gay and proud of it. To not have to hide the pride flags in my closet or throw them away when I came back from pride. To meet a man I loved with my whole heart. To not have to go to prom with a female friend of mine and meet my date, a man who was pretty abusive as well, there. I was finally able to live my own life as a gay man.

Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Untitled finally has a chapter two and I’m so excited. I unpacked the rest of the boxes and looked around the attic. It was a little dusty from being out of use for awhile. There was a closet that looked pretty sketchy, so I used whatever duct tape I could find to close the door shut. There was a skylight and a few windows. There was enough natural light that the attic didn’t warrant an artificial light source. I had opened them up to let some of the dust and stuffiness out. My bed was the only thing that was set up. My clothes were strewn across the floor. I looked about and sighed, placing my hands on my hips.
“Hey, Vincenzo? Do you want any dinner? Charles ordered a pizza and he thought that it’d be nice to share.” Ivan called up and I smiled, rushing down the stairs.
“I never said that I wanted to share my fucking pizza dude. I ordered it with my money.” Charles pulled the pizza towards his body.
“Well, I think it would be nice and I am your older brother so you need to listen to me because I have authority. That’s what mom said and that’s the condition for living in my house so share the pizza with our new roommate.”
Charles gave up and set the pizza on the table. I sat down at the table as Ivan brought over a few plates. Charles moved over to the fridge and reached in. He shuffled a few things around before finding what he needed. Ivan sat down and smiled lightly at me. Charles brought over some parmesan cheese and set it on the table. I pulled out a piece of pizza and bit into it. Ivan giggled as a bit of sauce dripped onto my shirt. Charles glared at his brother as I looked over at the man whom I met in the cafe.
“So, you seem like a pretty nice guy. At least one that Ivan trusted enough to bring into the house after meeting him.” Charles placed his elbows on the table and chewed on the pierce he had taken from the box.
“I guess I’m a good enough guy for the circumstances in which I grew up in.” I shrugged and bit into my piece.
“Would you be interested in coming to a dance class tomorrow with me? So I can get to know my new roommate?” Charles smiled and wiggled his eyebrows a bit.
“I mean, I guess so. I wouldn’t mind going but I’m a bit of an introverted and not very good at dancing.”
“It’s a beginners class, it’s good for me to go back to the basics and refresh myself from time to time.” Charles smiled at me as I looked at my pizza.
“Let the poor man live his life and settle in a bit, okay? He’s had a pretty rough day and is probably still in a bit of pain.” Ivan interjected and smiled a bit at me.
“Yeah, settling in would be a lot nicer than a dancing class.” Charles leaned back into his chair, defeated and set down his piece angrily.
Charles finished his dinner first and left the table. Ivan and I kept up polite conversation for awhile before Ivan got full. He stayed with me for a few moments before he headed to his room. I finished up my dinner and headed back up to my room. I left only after I cleaned up the mess both Ivan and Charles left. I headed to clean up a few of my items.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Today I will be addressing some comments on this particular set of journals. I will keep all original grammer and spelling. I will not edit these comments in any way. This will help address any confusion people may have on me. First off, we have this one: Hey dude, congrats on your surgery, and I hope you're feeling better about it now. Everyone scars differently, sometimes even different types of scaring on their own body, so your scars may not end up the way you fear. (Without being too vulgar, scars are probably easier to ignore than something bouncing around on your chest, or keeping a binder on during intimate activity.)
I already responded to this one so, I will leave my response here: If you read further you’ll get a glimpse as to how I’m recovering (maybe that will be my next entry to clear up any confusion) and I am recovering just fine. I am very pale and sadly no matter how much time I have and how long ago the injury was, the scars tend not to fade even with Vitamin E. The scars will still show and I still have scars from when I was small that haven’t gone away. So I know that these scars will be here for awhile. Along the intimacy avenue, I don’t think that will be a problem as I don’t have a partner nor do I think I will anywhere in the next 10-15 years.
Another comment I received is this one: Most college students, despite being adults, are not independent. Unless they're older or military, they probably still rely on their parents. They're still kids, except they don't know it. (Intended as a pep talk.) While as intended as a pep talk, I conceived this originally to be very condescending and rude. I still perceive it that way because I can not hear tone over the internet. Thus, I continue to say that this is rude and condescending. I am no way wanting to rely on my abusive parents (mentioned before) once I leave the house. I will be in the process of slowly transitioning everything over to my name. That includes my own health insurance. I hope by the end of my senior year that I will be fully independent because I do not want to rely on my abusive parents.
The last comment I received was this one: There is more than one way to be a man, and "macho" isn't really a thing to either be or not be. (I've been told that I'm extremely macho, but I enjoy writing poetry, sing in a choir, like painting flowers, and am at least 40% asexual, none of which are considered macho activities.) Sure, it might seem easier to keep pretending to be a woman, but would you be living? I have been told all my life that I am this feminine entity and that I have to like feminine things. I want to be the most masculine person I can be because it helps with my dysphoria. I assume that this commenter does not know how badly I do not want to be associated with soft or feminine ideals because that is not my personality. I do not ever want to be seen as a feminine entity and that’s all I can control. I can not control how I look or dress due to abusive parents. Thus, my masculinity is the only thing I can control.
I also started a charity-ish thing called BVBCharity. I want to help people with eating disorders. So: Welcome to the BVB Charity! This is a fan project run by a BVB fan. I will be donating to Project HEAL via gofundme, at the end of this, I hope to present this to CC as a gift, even if it is only the partial donations at the time. I will be donating to Project HEAL in his honor. CC has talked about how he has suffered from an eating disorder. I have as well and this is a subject close to my heart. I suffer from a little known eating disorder called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. ARFID was introduced as a new diagnostic category in the recently published DSM-V. The ARFID diagnosis describes individuals whose symptoms do not match the criteria for traditional eating disorder diagnoses, but who, nonetheless, experience clinically significant struggles with eating and food. Symptoms of ARFID typically show up in infancy or childhood, but they may also present or persist into adulthood.Individuals who meet the criteria for ARFID have developed some type of problem with eating (or for very young children, a problem with feeding). As a result of the eating problem, the person isn’t able to take in adequate calories or nutrition through their diet. There are many types of eating problems that might warrant an ARFID diagnosis – difficulty digesting certain foods, avoiding certain colors or textures of food, eating only very small portions, having no appetite, or being afraid to eat after a frightening episode of choking or vomiting. Because the person with ARFID isn’t able to get enough nutrition through their diet, they may end up losing weight. Or, younger kids with ARFID might not lose weight, but rather may not gain weight or grow as expected. Other people might need supplements to get adequate nutrition and calories. And most of all, individuals with ARFID may have problems at school or work because of their eating problems – such as avoiding work lunches, not getting schoolwork done because of the time it takes to eat, or even avoiding seeing friends or family at social events where food is present. It is possible that some individuals with ARFID may go on to develop another eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia. While CC has not told any fans about what eating disorder he has suffered from, he has stated that he has had one. I want to help people get the treatment they need in his honor. My first goal is $1,000 and I will up that if we hit that goal. Your money will go directly to grants that will help people get the treatment they deserve. $100 will help get someone a 1 hour nutritionist appointment. $150 will help get someone a 1 hour therapy appointment. $250 will help get someone, and their family, a 1 ½ hour family therapy appointment. $2,000 will help get someone 1 week of intensive aftercare. $6,000 will help get someone 1 year of full outpatient treatment. $30,000 will help get someone 1 month of full residential treatment . Now, I'm not expecting to reach $30,000 worth of donations. But at least $2,000 worth would mean so much to someone. Every donation will help and I hope that it will help people who suffer from eating disorders.
And finally, an excerpt: “My dad said that he wanted me to find him but I’m, not sure about it. I don’t know if I want to find my biological dad.” I flopped back as well and looked at the man laying next to me.
“Why wouldn’t you want to see him or try to find him? Even if he is a total asshat you could say that you met your dad, your biological father.”
“I don’t know that meeting him would be a good idea. He says that he’s pretty stubborn and I am stubborn as well. If that’s any indication of how alike we are I don’t want to meet him at all.” The hint of the smile on Ivan’s face fell.
“And what’s so wrong about you that you don’t want to meet the man who helped create you and bring you to this moment?” Ivan asked, his voice becoming even raspier in it’s whisper.
“I’m a pretty disgusting human being in general. I am not very nice at all, well I’m more honest than anything.”
“Being honest isn’t a bad thing. It’s a neutral thing, it can be neither good nor bad. The content is what makes honesty good or bad.”
That’s all I have for you today and I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Sorry, another excerpt, but I didn’t have much to say about today: “Maybe he was just tired of fighting for something he couldn’t have,” I nodded lightly and sighed lightly. “If you could start your life over, what would you do differently?”
“I would make an attempt to get to know my mom’s boyfriend. See if I could have a positive father figure in my life. What would you?”
“Make an attempt to get to know my dad as well. Get to know him so much better than what I did eight years ago. Now I can’t go back and get to know him. But now I can’t go back and I can’t get to know him. What kind of vibe do I give off?”
“You’re the try hard and badass. You want people to like you and think of you but deep down all you need is yourself selves. You’re very outspoken and controversial. You don’t go with the flow, you dig your toes into the rocky sand and walk against the current. You’re the person in class who is always on edge, waiting for something to happen and jump in and save everyone. You thirst for adventure and never settle for less than terrifying. The feeling of security and excitement follows you, you never stay still and never stop for anyone. You make people feel as if they’re running through a forest with only a flashlight to guide them in the dark, like fear and adrenaline is their drug of choice when they’re around you. Yet you’re laid back, always calm. the quiet kid in class who has mad jokes and can roast everyone in seconds. You never try to make anything uncomfortable, but you’ll talk with anyone about anything if they bring it up. You’re an open book but your pages don’t turn themselves. You’re a feeling of sheer joy and calmness. When someone is with you the world feels simpler, like all complications faded away and color has returned for good. What’s my vibe then?” I asked simply as I looked at the man.
“You’re sarcastic beyond belief, very reserved but outgoing. You can be naturally mean sometimes when you don’t try to be, you have trouble thinking of others feelings when it comes to certain topics. You always want what’s best for people even when that may not be something they want, but you always know the right path and never wander too far from it. You’re a feeling of desire. You’re a cool autumn night and your favorite person is sitting next to a speeding train, unafraid and ready because they are with you. You’re beautiful and unique. The kid who’s in theatre and puts everything you have into the performance. You make the dirtiest jokes and turn everything into a sexual innuendo. You always make people feel whole and happy inside, like everything is good in the world. You always seem busy, maybe come off as superficial because of your busy ways. But if it’s important enough to you, you will make time even if you have to stop the earth from turning. You love hard and you break easy, but your recovery is quick and you always bounce back. People feel like their on an island with you, watching the waves gush in and roll away. You’re secretive. very dark-humor but very sweet. You’re like a fishing line and your friends are the fish, they get stuck on you and you reel them in and they’re caught. The way you talk makes it seem like you have a dark past and chests full of secrets. You feel like the riptide in the ocean but more gentle, you care too much and you get hurt a lot because of that. People feel safe yet always on edge with you, like a storm is coming but they’re in the eye, safe from it all. You’re likable and kind. You’re kind of quiet but has a loud mind.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I’m tired, it’s getting late and I’m depressed. I don’t have any talent or ambitions. I’m a deadbeat. I’m a no good, worthless excuse for a daughter. My mom won’t even pay attention to me. I’m second place to that fuckng boyfriend of hers. My dad barely pays attention to me when I’m at his house. I don’t have a fucking boyfriend, I never went to homecoming. I probably won’t go to my prom. I’ll go to the reunion and see all my successful friends, if I have any, and I won’t have anything to my name. I was never the captain of anything. Not a single damn club in this fucking school I go to. I don’t even know how my friends are my friends. I probably won’t get into college. I ain’t got shit and I know it. I’m a nothing to anyone and everyone. I expressed this to my friend, though I don’t know how she still is my friend. It’s kind of the same generic response anyone gets when I tell them I’m depressed again, especially her.
All she really said was: That's because you doubt yourself too much. All from your parents and shit putting you down. You do have ambition; you gotta find it. We both know your mom is a bitch. Like you need to find the things that make you happy, it doesn't matter if it's Vinny or a cute fucking dog. Or even a word. Find them and fuck whatever others think. You need to start fighting for yourself. Not for others to make others happy. Make yourself happy. Fuck everyone else. Do it for you. Listen to CC, everything is gonna be okay. Everything is gonna happen for a reason and we might not know why but in the end, we'll know and we'll be happy. I told her that everything is not gonna be okay because I ain’t shit. I keep thinking about stupid photography and how much I miss it. Too bad I don’t own a fucking camera. That even writing doesn’t seem great anymore.
Only thing is, I’ve been taught that being me isn’t right at all. I have to be just like my mom or just like my dad. Or, because my sister went to the same high school as me and had some of the same teachers, the teachers say I’m just like my sister. But I told my friend about my abusive parents kind of saying that it wasn’t their fault I’m a shitty child. To which her response was: Good parents? Good parents wouldn't half the time let their child starve or go without. Good parents wouldn't put a man or woman before their child. A good parent wouldn't be abusive; mentally, verbally or physically. A good parent would be fucking proud of their child or children no matter what. That's a good parent and your parents are not good parents. Especially your mom. Even your sister said she's an abusive bitch. So no. It's not you, it's them.
Also, like Robert freaking Ortiz liked my comment today? He like posted a photo of him and two of his bandmates at the gym with the caption “The Lone Wolves (insert unicorn emoji)”. So naturally I commented, “What’s with the unicorn emoji? Is that a typo?”. But he liked the comment and I was so blessed. I felt so freaking blessed. I was so blessed. I was blessed by the gods. I loved him.
I’m also like...flirting? Very poorly, may I remind you. But anyway, excerpt: My dad and I never had a good relationship. Charles and him had a good relationship though. My dad, he struggled with an eating disorder. My mom said he was just a picky eater. That he refused to eat what was on his plate because it wasn’t his favorite recipe or it wasn’t his grandmother’s cooking. He only ate a bit and I researched it just this year.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,

I am painfully aware that I am no one’s favorite person.
I am painfully aware of the hole where my heart should be.
I am painfully aware that I will be no one’s favorite person.
I am painfully aware that I can not be loved.
I am painfully aware that I will never be loved.
I am painfully aware that I am meant to be alone.

So many pieces of me are broken.
Broken to the point of pain.
A broken mind. A broken heart.
A broken touch. A broken thought.

But I love you so painfully.
It hurts to even speak.
Your voice is my voice.
Your smile is my smile.
Your happiness is my happiness.

To be by your side would be an honor.
To be your prince or princess.
Your king or your queen.
Your husband or your wife.
Your boyfriend or your girlfriend.
For giving into dysphoria would be nothing,
As long as I am with you.
Though, your heart is not mine to take though.

For shame though,
I can make you laugh.
I can make you smile.
I can make your heart swell.
I can love you until the ends of time.

I am painfully aware that I am no one’s favorite person.
I am painfully aware of the hole where my heart should be.
I am painfully aware that I will be no one’s favorite person.
I am painfully aware that I can not be loved.
I am painfully aware that I will never be loved.
I am painfully aware that I am meant to be alone.

Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Suicide.
One letter.
Seven letters.
A whole world of pain.

I’m in pain.
I’ve lost you.
I already lost you once.
Now permanently is too much to handle.

I should have known.
How much you were in pain.
How that laugh hid hurt.
How a smile meant nothing.

I’m sorry Devin.
I’m sorry for the pain.
I’m sorry you died.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your jokes.
“We didn’t elect him, sweetie.”
You made the whole class laugh.

I know your pain.
I knew your pain.
I feel your pain.
I felt you pain.
All before.

I know you.
I know depression.
I know the monster within.
I know the suicidal thoughts.
I know the heart tearing pain.

I love you Devin.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am tired, here’s an excerpt: “What happened to his disorder? What happened to him?” I asked lightly as Ivan turned his focus back to me.
“My dad, when no one took him seriously, got even more depressed. He already had some depression from some trauma he experienced. He never was open to us about the trauma endured. Though, I’m sure he told Charles and promised not to tell me about it. But, my dad got more and more depressed. Eventually he got to the point where he couldn’t even leave his bed. No amount of coaxing from me nor Charles could get him out of bed. We didn’t know how bad he was until one day we came home to a silent house. I walked up to this scene, I was only twelve years old. He was splayed out against the bed. There was...there was blood...just everywhere. His brain was all over the wall. Blood was even on the fucking ceiling. My dad..he shot himself in the head and I was the one to find him.”
“Did he leave any type of note or any last goodbyes?” I asked as Ivan curled into me, his head on my chest. He let out light sobs and he clenched onto my shirt.
“He said goodbye to me that morning. Said that he loved me and that he’ll always love me. That was his only goodbye to me. He didn’t leave a note nor any goodbye to the rest of his family. Charles said dad was silent around him that morning. My mom hadn’t been speaking to him since the previous year.” Ivan let out a gut wrenching sob as he left tear stains on my shirt.
“So you want me to find my dad because you never had a good relationship with your dad?” I asked lightly as Ivan nodded against my chest.
“Yes, please find your dad before he dies. He deserves to know you and you deserve to know him, okay?” I nodded and pulled him close to me.
“I will find him for you and I will find him for me. I think I need closure, even if I don’t want to admit it to myself yet.”
“Thank you, thank you for this. Thank you for giving me...well just you can have this opportunity. I just, hope to help you reconnect with your dad.” Ivan shook his head lightly as he wiped some tears from his eyes.
“Maybe you’ll get some closure from this as well. I don’t know how but, it just might bring you something.”
“If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you spend today doing?” Ivan turned his head towards me as he asked the question.
“I don’t know, maybe trying to make my mark on the world. Take more pictures and edit them a bit. Write a fanfiction or draw some art. Maybe do some creative work? What would you do?” I turned towards him and he smiled.
“Spend time with my brother. Get to know him before I die. Give him a proper goodbye unlike my dad. Maybe go to church and spend some time praying for forgiveness.”
“If you could ask one person a single question and they had to answer one hundred percent truthfully, who would you ask and what would you ask them?” Ivan cuddled into me and looked at me lightly.
“I would ask my dad why he did it. Why he killed himself.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Another excerpt for you all as I have nothing to report: We walked all the way to my place. Dinner was to be at a restaurant near where I was crashing. William decided that he would at least stay for dinner. Then he would decide on whether or not he would come over and crash at where I was staying. He said the place was relatively fancy and since he was already wearing a dress shirt and pants, I had to go home to change. My outfit just wouldn’t work for where he had decided to go. I don’t know why he was taking me somewhere fancy, I wasn’t worth the money. But he insisted that we go as he had not been in awhile due to a lack of money.
I debated on whether or not I should pull my hair back. Pulling my hair back would mean that I would have to look William in the eyes. I, being uncomfortable with any sort of eye contact, didn’t want to pull my hair back. But what if William wanted to look at me while he was walking? The hair got pulled into a bun. As for the rest of me, I put on my only pair of dress pants and my only dress shirt. I shaved a bit and smiled. I looked presentable enough for this night out.
I pulled on my dress shoes and checked myself out in the mirror. I looked pretty damn good. I walked out of my room and smiled at Ivan. He looked at me and smiled back at me. I looked at my hands and waited in the kitchen as William had said that he was going to pick something up. Ivan sat down at the table and gestured for me to sit down. I did the same and smiled. Ivan giggled lightly and then sighed lightly.
“What’s wrong, Ivan?” I asked as I looked at him. He shook his head and looked at the table lightly.
“You’re going to go on a date with this guy and you just met him.” Ivan fiddled with his fingers and sighed.
“It’s just a fancy lunch, plus he insisted I go with him. He said he wanted to share his favorite place with someone who had gone through the same things as him.” I whispered lightly, still not wanting to believe that he was dead.
“I don’t want you to get hurt though.” Ivan looked over at me lightly. I sighed lightly and shook my head.
“Why do you care so much about my feelings? We only just met, Ivan.” Ivan leaned back and sighed lightly.
“Okay, okay. I’ll leave you be. God, I was just giving you some advice. Sorry.” Ivan stood and left the table.
A knock at the door caused me to jump lightly. I got up and moved towards the door. William stood behind a huge bunch of flowers. Only his eyes peeked out from behind the tufts of roses. Red, yellow and blue roses filled his face. I giggled and smiled lightly as he held them out to me. A light blush creeped onto his cheeks as he handed them to me. I took them and smiled, heading inside to place them into a vase. William walked inside and smiled as I set the roses in a cup of water.
“We’ll have to leave soon, not right now but soon enough.” I smiled lightly and giggled a bit. His smile was awesome, I kind of liked it.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Another excerpt, my dear reader: We stopped in front of our apartments, taking in our temporary home. The building was made of worn red brick and dead vines crawled up the sides. The building was maybe a hundred years old at most. A few windows had been broken and others were boarded up. The building was maybe a story or two high with no elevator, but winding stairs. The stairs weren’t always reliable though as there were always a few missing and you had to be careful. It wasn’t much but was called it home...for now. That was until we moved again.
A rustle came from inside the building and I backed out if the way. Vinny puffed up his chest as a blood orange glow moved from his belly and into his lungs. I placed a hand on his right shoulder as we moved through the threshold and moved into the empty building. We slowly moved up the broken stairs. I felt a wave of calm flow through me and I nodded lightly, knowing that Vinny was trying to calm my nerves. We headed up the rest of the stairs and into our room.
My breath hitched as I took in the sight before me. A cluster of human-like shadows hung together just before Vinny’s bed. Vinny heated up the rest of his body and let off a light glow. I opened my palm and allowed Vinny to light my hand on fire to allow the fire inside him to glow brighter. The pain wasn’t as bad as you’d think. Vinny has done this trick on my hand multiple times and only the first time hurt. Now we had a clear picture of the group in front of us.
“Who the fuck are all of you and what are you doing here,” Vinny growled and bared a daring set of fangs and his body grow a set of rough, reptile-like set of scales. All of them were the color of lightning.
“I’m Chris Cerulli or Motionless whichever you prefer. I’m a vampire,” The tallest one smiled at me without hesitation and showed vampire-like teeth. He was tall and lanky with jet black hair that looked like that of a dog’s when you give it a bath, greasy and messy all at the same time. Behind him were four or five others just like him.
“I’m Joshua Balz. B-A-L-Z is how you spell my last name. I know, I know, you can tease me about it but that’s my real last name. There’s no getting around it now that the government has fallen due to that douchebag president, Donald Trump. All of my friends call me just plain Balz. I am just really strong,” A bald, tattooed man said, stepping out from behind Chris. A woman stepped out from behind him. She was just as tattooed as him. “This is my wife Ryan-Ashley, she’s just a normal human being.”
“I’m Ryan. I’m normal too,” A man with dark black hair and piercing brown eyes told me. He smiled as a woman stepped out from behind Ryan. She was a little heavier set with straight brown hair and piercing blue eyes. She had an amazing smile and she seemed nice enough. “This is my girlfriend Samantha. But you all can call her Sammie.”
“I’m just a normal person as well. My name is Richard Olson, people call me Ricky. But only my friends can call me Ricky. Now who the fuck are you two? We thought this place was empty,” This man had the same piercing blue eyes as Sammie. He was small and lanky. Ricky had dark hair with blonde roots. He looked around the apartment building and tapped his foot against the ground.
“I’m Devin Sola. I can see and hear ghosts. That’s why my friends call me Ghost. You guys can call me Ghost as well,” I smiled at the group of newcomers as they smiled back at me.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I got into a fight with my mom. Which I will explain when I’m not so fucking emotional. So here’s another excerpt: I had a secret and one I wasn’t willing to share with anyone else in the house other than Ghost. I was a creature of the night and I collected creatures of the night. I was a vampire who had been newly created in London of eighteen eighty eight. I was apart of the Jack the Ripper murders and I was Jack the Ripper. The only reason the cops didn’t find me was that I was...a vampire and I never really was caught because of that fact. I left no physical evidence, little to none. I was thoroughly satisfied with my work. I truly was happy with not getting caught and I never will be caught.
I collected people like others collected baseball cards or Pokemon cards. I loved seeing the different kinds of creatures I could pick up and put into my metaphorical Pokedex. I knew what every single one of my traffic victims were. I had most the most of one type of creature, the angels. Which made me a bit nervous since I knew that this meant the coming of the end of the world. This had only been seen once when Micheal feel to his prison in Hell. Which made me feel like I needed to prepare an army.
Ryan Ashley moaned from her position on the couch. She moaned again and her moan turned into a long, pained wail. Her prolonged wail turned into a growl. She stopped for a few seconds as I heard her whimper lightly. Then her wails began to continue, growing louder and louder. I stood and walked towards her skeletal figure in the living room. Her eyes were blacked out and her body rocked back and forth. She wailed louder and louder until the wails were no longer able to be heard by any human. Only the spiritual realm and those who were connected to that realm could her her suffering.
Her wails called on the dead and the inhuman, mostly recently passed spirits. Ryan Ashley didn’t know that she was a wraith, but I did. I never told Ghost what I did for a living but he knew we were both creatures. He knew that I was trying to find more vampires like me but that’s all I gave him. If I gave Ghost any more information, I’m sure he would figure it out. Ryan Ashley really wasn’t a wraith in a typical sense. Wraiths are a ghost or ghostlike image of someone, especially one seen shortly before or after their death. Ryan Ashley moved into the spiritual realm and called upon recently deceased. I couldn’t snap her out of this trance and if I did, I would kill her.
Ryan Ashley’s wails continued for a few more minutes before she stopped, turning back to the television. She didn’t seem that fazed by the fact that she had been wailing for about ten minutes straight. Ryan Ashley never seemed to seem like she had screamed for a long time. Which both concerned me and calmed me. If she noticed that she was a wraith, I could train her but she could be found by hunters. If she doesn’t, she can stay a normal human being. I didn’t know what to do with her so I chained her up to the radiator in the living room. She seemed to be like she was before she contacted the spirit realm. I don’t even think she noticed the fact that I was in the room. So, I left her alone and moved back to my room silently so that she wasn’t disturbed.
I sat down at my desk and looked at the notes scattered around on my desk.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
So essentially my mom and I fought about her boyfriend. I don’t feel like I’m being appreciated enough and I have to sleep in the basement every single time he’s home because the two of them make so much racket upstairs (the floor above me). I can hear every little movement because of the vents. Even when I ask politely for them to be quiet, they essentially get louder and louder. It doesn’t seem like my mom cares enough about my own wellbeing at all anymore. She won’t even give up an hour to be with me. She said she’ll either be here at our house with her boyfriend, who is still a stranger to me and is here when I’m not here as well as I am here at home, or she will be at his house. This boyfriend of her’s is also getting it on with her almost every night with her. Plus he’s here every night he’s home (he works two weeks on and two weeks off on this oil rig or something). If he’s not home, then she’s talking with him every night and every morning for an hour. So there is no compromising to her and she’s really acting like a teenager. If I was presented with this issue, I being the one with the boyfriend, I would at least relinquish time with my boyfriend because I know my mom wants some time with me. Though I don’t think that will ever happen because she really couldn’t give two shits about me.
My mom and sister are having a fight about this. My sister thinks it’s really inappropriate for a stranger to be in my house (though my mom is acting like I don’t live here). My mom is also dating someone about half her age. He’s twenty-three and she’s in her forties. You know, and all of those other reasons like being a stranger to me. But I feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. I already feel like a piece of shit. That I won’t be shit. That I am the worst person ever. I don’t think I’ll ever be the person at my high school reunion who shows up with an amazing life after college as well.
I feel so freaking unloved by her and my dad. I feel like I’m just an object to be passed between my mom and my dad. I feel like I have no family at all. Even within the fandoms I am, it doesn’t seem like I belong anywhere. Let’s take the Motionless In White fandom for example. I am a short guy (5’2”) and I know that’s due to me being born a woman but I’ve come to terms with it because of Prince who was also short as fuck and was the same height as me. Being short isn’t really accepted in the fandom. So is being overweight, which I am much to my chagrin. I can’t really connect to any of the other fans either. I don’t seem to be good enough for them when I try to talk to them.
I can not wait for this concert because I am so into Motionless In White and I love Vinny so much. I just can’t wait and I’m going to ask Chris to be my honorary dad. I’m going to ask Ricky for book recommendations. We all know I’m going to talk Vinny’s ear off. I’m going to tell Ryan about how my friend wanted to get him a gift but it won’t be there in time for the concert. Devin is getting the highest honor of jump starting my gender identity journey. So, that’s going to be one jumbled mess and I hope I don’t get emotional during it. Four more days left until I see them. Four more days and then Fall Out Boy on the twentieth. Then Black Veil Brides and Asking Alexandria. So I’m pretty booked up on concerts. Which isn’t bad at all because I love concerts. I kind of want to be a concert photographer but I know it probably won’t happen because I’m kind of bad at this whole people thing.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I wrote letters to Motionless and I want to share some of them with you. Like Chris: You mean so much to be as I am wanting to become a lot stronger than I normally am. You give such great to advice to people like me, anxious and depressed teens. Though I have a lot more than that. I was in a program that allowed me to take four years of high school in two (freshman and sophomore year) then hopefully go to college part time in junior year and full time in senior year. I got to go to college this year (how I got in, I do not know) and I love it there because it’s a super welcoming school for being a Jesuit college. I told William about this back when I met him in July and his reaction made me so proud. I hope your reaction will make me proud too. Though I don’t think I’ll be able to see it since you’re probably reading this way later or you never read this at all.
Or Ricky: I do like that you are a really avid reader and are pretty intelligent. Which I love in you and I know that the other men in Motionless are highly intelligent as well. I know they are highly intelligent as well. I do know of this series on Buzzfeed Blue that you all might like to catch up on. It’s called Buzzfeed Unsolved and it goes through different unsolved mysteries and explains the different theories behind them. I personally like how it gets the brain working on not believing the initial theory that police give. I hope some of the cases get solved though because I do want some justice for some of the more recent cases. Some of them are inspiration for getting my own ideas flowing.
Or Ryan: I know that Ricky loves books and conspiracy theories. Chris, I just asked if he could be my honorary dad. I really hope he says yes because I really need a father figure in my life to guide me. I’m telling Ghost that he helped kickstart my journey into realizing I was transgender and gay. I look up to him a lot as well. Vinny is awesome and I love him so much. He’s my favorite and I’ll save my gushing for his letter. So, maybe you’re just the one I have no idea who to write for, which isn’t a bad thing whatsoever on your part. It’s just me and my lack of due diligence. But I do really like you as a member of Motionless, a lot.
Or Ghost: But you kind of kickstarted my whole journey about two years ago (?) and you made it a whole lot easier. Like, if some men (again, sorry if I’m misgendering you because I’d feel so bad if I am right now because I try to be conscious of those things due to the fact that I’m not out all the way and get misgendered a lot) can look feminine, I will be okay and possibly pass. It boosted my confidence a lot these past few years. I originally identified as genderfluid and then I think it was transgender or was it agender? Finally I landed on bigender but that still doesn’t really apply to me. So maybe agenderflux where you kind of are agender but you have connections to a binary gender.
Finally, my Vinny: I loved Trap Don’t Stop and I bought it as soon as it dropped on ITunes. I waited all night to here the rest of the EP. I was so proud of you. I don’t think I talked so much about you before. Trap Don’t Stop was all I could talk about for a week and I am not joking. You can check any social media I have, but mostly Twitter (I reply to a lot of your tweets, so come find me). But I felt so proud of you and I never felt happier in my whole life. I felt like a proud father or something. I told everyone I knew about your EP when it dropped.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I have to decorate these cards, so here’s an excerpt: “You shouldn’t underestimate humans.” My high heeled feet thudded against the empty corridor, my dress almost tripping me with every step.
“Why? They’re both physically and technologically inferior, my lady.” My assistant hurried up and a look of concern was painted lightly when she caught up to me.
“They never stop fighting. Even before they were involved in the larger galaxy, they waged wars on Earth for hundreds of years.” I turned and smiled lightly as we headed to the viewing room and looked out over Earth.
“That means they’re divided. That’s a disadvantage for them.” She pulled out a notepad and wrote some notes on it.
“But they’ll unite in the case of a common enemy. For this test this work, we need them united against a common enemy.”
“You don’t know that. We don’t know that.” She checked her notepad again and flipped through pages of scientific notation.
“Maybe not at first, but they will in the end. Because they have hope.” I straightened my back and watched the Earth slowly rotate against the pull of the sun.
“Why would they count on such a thing? There’s no research saying that hope would help in such a dire situation.”
“Humans have a habit of putting faith in the intangible. Hopes and prayers are what they believe in.”
“Well even those ‘things’ can’t help them now. Not when some of ours are down there.” My eyes widened and I turned to her in one swift movement.
“You never told me that some of ours were down there. Where are they and how long do they have until they discover their powers?” She backed up, her brown curls covering her face as she looked down.
“I think I must mention that they were the elemental embryos that we had lost sixteen years back.” My face must have been glowing red because when she looked up, tears filled her eyes.
“They’re the what?” I growled.
And another one: To say that being a cop is easy would be an understatement. I worked my ass off day in and day out for very little payback. I was sleep deprived, as most rookie cops are, and I used coffee to survive. Everyday I would walk into this little, local café and get my morning coffee after my long night shift. Most days I would notice this nice little piece of ass in the corner. I swore to myself the first day I saw her that I would hit it. I mean, if I ever got the courage to actually speak to her. But, today was not my day. Tap that ass one day and leave cum all over her ass. Though, I needed to be more gentlemanly if I were to get her to agree to anything. But, I knew how to turn on the charm.
So I have to go decorate the cards. I have emojis for each one so I can remember each one of them.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Tomorrow is the day. The letters are in their envelopes. I am so happy to meet my babies. I love them so much. I will journal tomorrow, it will just be posted late. So here’s another excerpt: “I thought that that man in your apartment was your dad and now I realize that your dad is the most legendary guitarists of all time? Now I’m extra nervous for this date. What if I don’t do well? What if I mess up and you complain to your dad? I might not get work again if that happens.” Ashley looked at the sidewalk and I nodded.
“I don’t normally tell people this because it freaks them out, but both men are my fathers in all technicality.” I lifted his chin lightly and he nodded as if he knew what I was about to tell him.
“So Nikki and Slash are gay for each other and they raised you in secret because they were ashamed,” Ashley nodded matter-of-factly and I giggled like a little girl.
“Well, that’s where you are wrong. I was conceived at one of Charlie’s parties.” We started walking again and Ashley nodded happily.
“Who’s Charlie? Sorry for all of the questions but I can already tell you that this is going to be a great night.” I smiled and took his hand in mine. It was rough and calloused, just the way I liked them.
“Charlie used to throw awesome parties. He was a party hub in the eighties, but I’m guessing you knew that considering you seem to know a lot about my dad’s band.” I giggled and he took my hand and kissed it lightly.
“Of course I do, but I really like you so I’ll let you tell the crazy story as to why both Nikki and Slash are your dads. It sounds like quite an interesting way to come into this life to an interesting man,” Ashley swung our hands and I giggled. We walked around happily and I shivered a bit.
“One of these parties helped aid in my conception. It felt kind of weird being in the place where I was conceived, but it was home. Of course, my mom wasn’t the best of people as were most of the people who attended Charlie’s parties. My mother had sex with Nikki Sixx, Slash, Duff and Axl all in one night. None of the men who had sex with her knew if they were the father, so they all pitched in to help when my mom died of a cocaine overdose when I was five. Even I don’t know who was my real father. I exhibited traits of all four of them and we tried to get DNA testing done, but it was all inconclusive. So I just call them all my dads. It’s just a weird way of coming into this world. I’m sorry about the weird story. I don’t really tell people that on the first date. It really freaks them out. I’m sorry if it ruins the date,” Ashley shook his head and smiled at me.
“I love that story, it’s so unique. I love that it fits a unique person like you,” Ashley smiled and took me to a nice restaurant. I smiled and he sat me down in a private booth. The hostess gave us menus and we looked at it.
“I don’t think you know how good you look tonight. I just want to draw you forever and ever. I want to spend days writing songs about you. I want to just create art when I look at you because you are art.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Tired: Ashley told me that I was perfect the way I was. That I was able to be amazingly attractive to anyone who wandered near me. Sometimes all you need to hear is someone say that they are on your team. That’s all it takes and Ashley was my teammate. The one in my corner when I felt down about myself. But they always leave when the mental illness acts up. I know that Ashley will leave when I get depressed again.
I could almost hear him now, telling me to stay strong. To come see him in the cafeteria in the morning. To walk with him down the hallways for a bit before I have to go to my room. I hope I can tell Ash that I like him tomorrow. If not, I will punch myself in the face for it. Not figuratively punching myself, but literally punching myself. I have a tendency to do that to myself a lot. But I didn’t care, the people around me did. Even Ashley cared about me hurting myself. I just hated not being able to do what I wanted here. Nothing was in my control anymore, not even my own fucking food.
I don’t want to lose my dreams of Ashley Purdy. I don’t want to lose the dream of walking down the dark streets with him, hand in hand. I don’t want to lose the dream of giving him a foot massage before bed. I don’t want to lose the dream of sitting in a park on a shared towel so we’re forced to cozy up. I don’t want to lose the dream of sending a flirtatious text message that builds anticipation, or one that just lets Ashley know I’m thinking about him. I don’t want to lose the dream of laying in bed for twenty minutes of pillow talk when we first get home from work, before total exhaustion kicks in. I don’t want to lose the dream of reminiscing about our first date or the first time we slept together. I don’t want to lose the dream of cooking dinner while dancing to music around the kitchen. I don’t want to lose the dream of spending four uninterrupted minutes staring into each other’s eyes without talking, then reflecting on the experience. I don’t want to lose the dream of exercising together. I don’t want to lose the dream of making out like we did in the beginning, if I ever get there, and watch the butterflies flutter back to the both of us. I don’t want to lose the dream of expressing gratitude for one thing your partner did that day, no matter how small the act.
But, my own insecurities always got the best of me. I was too unconventionally attractive. I had light brown skin and tattoos covering my right arm. I had a gap between my front teeth. As I said before, my body was pretty scrawny. I had a naturally fast metabolism that I couldn’t really control. I just wished that I looked masculine and that I wasn’t the way I was. I looked so fucking dorky and I knew I had the stupid, dorky laugh to match. Plus, I’m sure Ashley was one hundred percent straight seeing as he chased porn stars. Either that or he was compensating for something he was trying to hide.
Even if I did get with Ashley, I know that he will leave. He will leave when I get panic attacks. He will leave when I have a mental breakdown. He will leave when the mental illness acts up. He will leave when I lock myself in my room for hours on end. He will leave when I begin controlling my own food and not eating again. He will leave me and he will leave me heartbroken. They will always leave when the mental illness acts up. I think he will be the same, at least I think he will. He seems like that kind of person.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
That concert was lit as fuck. When I tell you the Agora was packed...it was packed. There were 190 people in the VIP meet and greet alone. There were even more general admission tickets sold. Apparently the Cleveland date was sold out. Which is insane to me. I was packed into the barricade but I was glad so many people were able to help my smol body survive. Though my legs, feet and upper arms are sore as fuck. They probably will be until I go to Fall Out Boy on the 20th. So I will be sore for the next few weeks. But it was so fun to see my faves live again. For the third time...in two years...am I obsessed? They’re like a good luck charm to me. I saw them freshman year, sophomore year and now junior year. I hope I get to see them my senior year because I need the good luck. I also gave Vinny a teddy bear and I drawing I done of him. Chris said “I guess we all know who your favorite is” in kind of a sassy voice and I almost died. Like, did this man just sass me? But I did ask Ricky for a hug and then everyone else in the line kind of hugged me too? Like, I just wanted a hug from Ricky for a hug and I was blessed by even more hugs? They thanked me for the letters too? Like, I slapped that shit together last minute. Real last minute, like three days before and they thanked me? Though I did put thought into the teddy bear and the drawing that I gave Vinny. That was the only thing I really planned in advance. These men are way too pure for my existence and I love them so much. They’re also way too pure to be on this earth. They’re so adorable as well and I hope they get what they want out of life.
I also met some really nice people while I was there. There were two girls who were GA and they were really nice. There was another girl was VIP and she was pretty nice too. My mom said that I get more social with music. Which is true because I met this dude and his wife/girlfriend/whatever she was. He helped make sure I was safe from crowd surfers. He would look out for us and say that ‘duck’ when we needed to get down. Plus, there was a little girl who was like 6 and she kept crowd surfing. She was so cute and I loved her. She was the best person ever and she made my whole night. I mean that and meeting Vinny (along with the rest of Motionless). But I am really tired from that night and I really hate that I was so tired. I am so sorry that I feel so tired. I feel like such a terrible person for being so out of it last night. I never meant to be so out of it. But I was so tired last night. I was on my feet for like 8 hours. My feet really hurt.
So, here’s a writing update since I’m done fanboying: Maybe we'd go to a small bookstore. He'd lead me to the sections of all his favourite books, and explain the plots. He'd be excited, and I am just as happy because he's sharing a part of himself with me. Maybe he’d take me to a library or a museum or an aquarium or to our favorite spot as children or his favorite store. Maybe I’d take him to a bookstore or a cafe or a park or go on a walk in a park or in a forest. I’d take him somewhere he’s always wanted to go and to a movie that’s been out forever so that no one else is in the theater. I’d take CC to a garden. I’d take CC to a class, any class really, an art class, pottery class or hell, a cooking class. I’d take CC to a fair and be all cliché and win him a huge fucking teddy bear from one of those stupid games, spending so much money on attempts that CC begs me to do, just so he can get his bear.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy Jason Voorhees day! I got my picture from the meet and greet today. Also, I got to my grandparent’s today. I get to see Penelope the poodle and she’s so big already. But I want to spend time with them so there’s going to be another writing update. I always get a lot of writing done here, so it’s fine. But here we go: We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. These words rang in my head as the dust settled on the battlefield. My footfalls were deafeningly silent against the backdrop of the distant sounds of screaming. The world was covered in different hues of grey. The world was black and white, void of all color. I looked down and saw the destroyed faces of fallen soldiers. Some were rotting and others were freshly killed. The scent of death clung to the air. I pulled my bandana over my face. I looked over the air and tried to see the sun through the thick smog. I looked over to the sides of no man’s land. Soldiers waited to fire at will. My boots crunched against the bones of the dead. A shiver went down my back and I looked ahead towards the destroyed city ahead of me. Silence clung to the air worse than the scent of death. The only sounds that helped fill the void was the crunch of the boots and the fingers on the triggers of the blasters.
The US constitution ended up being complete bullshit in my opinion. It wouldn’t have gotten us here if those white males hadn’t written it. We would be perfectly fine under the British Empire but no, we had to be our own nation. White cisgender men made everything worse for me and so many other minorities. They had no concept of what any ways we have suffered. They had no reason to be apart of our lives. No right to create laws dictating our lives. They had no idea how badly we suffered. How badly we suffered at the hands of them. How they ripped apart our souls and raped our women until they gave birth to their devilish children. How they left us nothing but the clothes on our back and the shoes on our feet.
Call yourself kind, justified and holy, but I am God and all his angels next to you. You made me lead this terrible life. You made me want to kill you. You made me want to kiss your wounds as you died. Maybe even rip your heart out. Though, I wouldn’t call myself a violent person. I was just an angry one. A really, really angry one at that. I looked down and sighed lightly. The air clung to the silence. I don’t know why though. It used to be so loud and violent. Now it was eerily quiet. The worst part about it was my thoughts. I was alone with my thoughts. The soldiers were stone statues and I was the artist looking at my work. The one who created this all in revenge...my revenge.
“So my son has finally come to see me?” A disembodied puff of pitch black smoke moved around me.
“Your son has come to kill you. You can not keep these humans in fear anymore.” I spoke as I looked at the smoke which had now grown red glowing eyes.
“But what will happen if I leave? There will be anarchy. These people need a leader. They need me.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Ghost (bassist for Motionless) got me sick! He’s the only sick person I’ve been in contact with because I saw him coughing before I went to go take my photo with them. So now I’m sick, but at least it’s not an STD. But I do have to give you another excerpt. So, here we go: Chris passed by a mirror and looked over at it. I jumped back as I looked at the man’s reflection and Ashley caught me in his arms, holding me close. The normal Chris that I had seen in face paint and clown makeup was now gone. Instead, there was a faceless monster standing where Chris’s reflection would be in the mirror. It’s teeth were shiny with saliva and the face paint smile had turned into a gaping mouth with a long snake-like tongue darting out every few seconds. Chris’s legs and arms had turned into pointed, spider-like legs. His body had grown into a grey mass that connected the head and legs. The skin was the same color of a stormcloud ready to burst. Four smaller legs came out of the belly of this beast. On the back of the monster were huge, bat-like wings that were the same stormcloud grey as the rest of the best. The beast let out a garish scream and fire was let out of the orifice that was the beast’s mouth. I could feel the heat of the fire even though the creature was just a reflection.
“You shouldn’t have followed me in here, Ashley. You know that normal people like him can’t see me like this,” Chris growled and snarled at my date as I shook like a leaf.
“Was that just a trick mirror? That has to be a trick mirror, right?” I looked between Chris and Ashley wildly.
“That’s not...that’s not...that’s not a...not a...trick...trick mirror,” Chris stuttered and looked down at the grass underneath the tent.
“But then what is that...that thing in that mirror?” The creature in the mirror had calmed down and was looking at me as it’s chest heaved.
“That’s me, you motherfucker!” Chris took one step towards us and then lunged forward, the creature I saw in the mirror becoming a reality for a split second. Ricky and Josh, who must’ve heard the commotion, came in and held Chris back.
“Woah there Chris, there’s nothing to be scared about. If Ashley trusts this man enough to bring him to us, he must trust him,” Josh let go of Chris and Ricky kept his grip.
“Chris is a little bit stranger than the other sideshow folk that you normally see. He’s a shapeshifter and that body you see in the mirror is what you normally see. The other people you met are his spawns...his children. He’s been very insecure and I’ve only just seen that creature you saw in the mirror,” Ashley explained to me as he rubbed my arms gently as I shook like a leaf.
“So, is are you an alien or do you come from earth?” I pulled away and looked at Chris who looked down at the bright green, radioactive looking grass.
“I come from the outer parts of space. My planet was destroyed and I escaped in a pod. I found this place after years of searching for a place. I turned into a baby and aged normally. I will continue aging normally until I’m thirty one,” Chris looked up and inched away from me.
“So they all look like you in a mirror? That same exact featuring?” I asked Chris and the rest of his children came into the room.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Startered to read old fics and...gross: I never fully understood that Gerard Way and his brother Mikey. They were basically like vampires with their pale skin and nonexistent outdoor life. They wouldn’t even come to school on days like today. All sunny and warm and generally nice for Summit, New Jersey. I was super suspicious of those boys, but they weren’t of any real concern to me. Gerard just so happened to be in my art class. That’s honestly how I started to fall for this barely existent vampire-like human.
It started with a few glances at each other. I would glance at him and he would catch me, his green eyes- like country grass on a foggy day- staring into my own pale blue eyes that had flecks of gold in them, Then he slowly began moving his seat towards mine. Then one day, he was finally next to me, his eyes burrowing into the side of my head every time I wasn’t looking and I did the same with him. Then we were partnered to make portraits of the other for our art project. That’s when I felt the attraction to him the more. The fact that he was drawing me when I had been personally drawing him for what seemed like ages. When in fact it had been since our ninth grade year when I first took notice of him. We’d been silently flirting ever since.
I knew it wouldn’t go any further than that. He never seemed to actually get that I wanted more than this silent flirtatious relationship. But he seemed to never fully understand most of the stuff that had been silently communicated to him. He must’ve been stressed out from all of the college applications we had to fill out. I know I was currently stressed out by all the colleges my parents wanted me to go to and the colleges I wanted to go to.
“Umm, hey Ryan. I’m kinda overwhelmed with studying for mid-terms and finishing out these really late college apps. Would you mind quizzing me at my place tonight?” Gerard’s voice asked and I looked up from my sketch of a giant wolf eating a bear.
“Oh, look who finally showed up to school today. Where were you?” I asked Gerard as he looked down at my sketch.
“I was at a doctor’s appointment. Nice drawing.” Gerard commented. I smiled, blushing a little bit as Gerard brushed some of the shoulder length black hair out of his eyes.
“Sure.” I smiled wider as I looked into his happy green eyes.
“S-sure what?” Gerard asked, seeming to forget that he had asked me to study with him tonight.
“Sure I'll study with you, ya silly goose.” Gerard blushed and chewed on his thumb nail.
“Thanks Ryan. It really means a lot. I’m just so stressed right now and the English midterm is next week and I’ve barely started that history project and-”
“I know how you feel. I’m stressed out too. To be honest I haven’t even started that history project cause I’m too focused on trying to get a good grade in English and if I don’t do that I’ll fail and I won’t get into the California Institute of the Arts. You don’t know how badly I want to go there and study film and art,” I paused looking up at Gerard who was smiling down at me. “What?”
“You just seem so passionate about going. It’s all you’ve been talking about since like sixth grade.” He giggled and sat down on the desk next to mine.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I stayed home from school because I was sick so here’s some more old fics: I don’t know how to feel about my current situation. I am in love with a man I haven’t even had a full conversation with. But from the looks he has given me, he’s very interested in me. He has big, soft grey eyes. His smile is comparable to that of a thousand suns. He’s left me wonderful letters telling me how beautiful I am at my desk for English class. I don’t know how he sees it in me. I’m pretty heavy set and everyone but him has left me after a few months. His name is Devin and he is perfectly imperfect. Devin is the kindest person I have ever known...for only speaking to him a couple of times.
Of course Devin had caught my eye. He had to be the cutest person at our school. He was a real lady-killer and also a real man-killer as well. Almost everyone in the school had a crush on him, except for maybe the hardcore straight guys. I even had a small crush on him, I guess. I don’t know the difference between close friendship and love. Of course, he would never look my way. I was just another fat person in the way of the real women in the school. I was always envious of those model-like girls who were only “flawed” because they had a thing for the bad boys. Their only real problem was figuring out what skirt they should wear that day. My daily problem was trying to look as masculine as possible with not a lot of money to my name.
“Hey, Max? I-I-I’m a little stuck on this math problem for algebra two. Would you mind helping me? I know you were the top student in your class when you took it freshman year,” Devin’s soft voice asked me as we sat in the library. As soon as I heard his voice, my heart fluttered like a thousand butterflies. I sat reading a cliche teen romance novel, kind of hoping I would have that cliched life.
“Yeah, no problem Dev. What’s getting you so stuck,” I set down my book and leaned across the table to look at the problem at hand.
“It’s the graph, it’s not looking like a parabola.” Devin sighed in frustration and shoved the paper towards me. I smiled and looked at the problem, well moreover his work. I spotted a few problems real quick.
“First off, you forgot to carry the one here,” I pointed to his chicken scratch towards the top right corner of the page. He smiled and corrected his work. Devin blushed a bit and snuck a peek at me when I thought I wasn’t looking.
“Thanks Max. I’m glad you’re here to help,” Devin smiled at me, his soft grey eyes looking me happily. I blushed lightly and looked back at my book. I shifted my weight under his gaze and over my book, I saw him sneak some more peeks at me.
“What do you find so fascinating about me Ghost? I see you sneaking peeks at me whenever you get the chance. I just don’t understand how someone as cute as you can be intrested in a person like me. You’re like, the cutest nerd here and maybe even the cutest guy in our class. But I know you’ve been eyeing me for these past couple of months. So what’s wrong,” I rambled.
“Well first off, you’re beautiful as all hell. I-I-I mean, you’re angelic. I know that you don’t see that, but you are. I mean, look at you. You’re perfect.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Some more disgusting work of mine: They looked at me as though I was a weirdo, like I didn’t belong here. Like I didn’t belong anywhere, which was probably right as I wasn’t accepted most anywhere. That’s the way I liked it because I never belonged anywhere. I didn’t belong at my house, in my own body, and in this country.
But, I was running. Not only from the law, but my past. That though was for a different day, a different person, a nice tale to tell to my children. You know, if I even had time to have any.I wanted a clean slate, but is that really possible? I don’t tend to think positively of that as the past had always caught up with me, no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t want to run, but running was the only plan that I had.
“Hey! What’s your name?” A voice deep as the universe was beautiful and as smooth as summer honey asked. I looked up and behind me to where the voice was coming from, a teenager about my age smiled at me. The road now quiet.
His hair was as black as night was tied back into a short ponytail. His skin was the color of creamed coffee. His eyes were a pale blue, almost the colour of ice. His smile seemed to melt all of the snow around us. He wore a simple outfit of ripped jeans and a grey t-shirt. A rather large and bright red winter coat hung from his right arm and a blue and tan backpack was in his left hand. The teenager was about six feet tall, but upon further inspection seemed to be six and a half feet tall.
“What’s it to you?” I asked, not wanting to come across as weird or at all struck by his god-like beauty. The teenager jogged to my side as I began walking down the empty street again. His smile had faded.
“Nothing much. I’m Anubis, by the way. Plus, a girl as beautiful as you shouldn’t be walking in the middle of the street, at least not alone.” Anubis smiled at me, wider than when he greeted me and he stuck out a hand, presumably for me to shake it. That’s exactly what I did. His hand was soft and warm despite the cold. I, on the other hand, finally felt the cold.
“The street’s pretty clear. I don’t think it’s dangerous.” I smiled, gesturing to the desolate street in front of me. Anubis laughed and looked down at me with kind eyes.
“People here don’t take kindly too kindly to newcomers. Don’t take it too personally. They’ll come around. What are you doing here anyway?” Anubis inquired and I shrugged.
“I guess I need a new start. I already enrolled in the local high school if you were curious.” I picked up the pace as I was becoming weary of Anubis. He seemed to be weirdly interested in me and I wasn’t used to this type of socialization.
“High school? New here? You’re just like me. We’ll make it through together, right?” Anubis nudged my shoulder with his elbow. I forced a smile and pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time, it was nearly noon.
“I don’t think I’ll be here long, I don’t have much money or a place to stay. So, I guess I’ll finish the last few weeks of school and then leave. No point in getting attached, A-Anubis.” I could feel like my anxiety was finally coming out to play. My heart was pounding and my eyes began darting around.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Okay, nothing more to report. Another trip down memory lane: “She’s very pretty and why doesn’t she have a name?” The woman got up with such fluidity that I thought for a second that she wasn’t actually alive, but a spirit. Her voice was low and very husky, mostly unexpected for a woman of her beauty, but not uncommon.
“I didn’t tell him. I’m not very trusting of people.” I smiled at the woman and she smirked back. She seemed to be untrusting of me. Rightfully so as she had just met me.
“But you trusted him to take you here when he could’ve killed you, or worse.” The male said, standing up, just like the woman did.
“I guess I did.” I turned and watched as the male headed off into another room hidden from my view.
“Come child, we are having homemade pizza and pasta for lunch. What do you like on your pizza?” The woman asked practically floating over to me, taking my hand.
“Umm, anything you guys are having. I’m not picky.” I declared and the smile on the woman’s face widened.
“Good girl,” The woman chirped in a hushed tone only to me. “She’s a keeper, Anubis. She’s not as picky as you. Maybe she can teach you a few things.”
“I’m not picky! I have selective taste buds.” Anubis called stubbornly as the woman dragged me into the room the man had disappeared into.
A large kitchen, larger than my whole house, let out a bright white light. That was mostly due to the fact that almost everything in the kitchen was white. There was an island, white of course, a large silver refrigerator, a yellow countertop that stretched across three of the four walls, a stovetop, an oven and a whole bunch of other kitchen-y things.
The male was flying about the kitchen at an inhuman speed. He was flipping dough, sprinkling cheese, adding sauce and colorful toppings. Peppers, olives, pepperoni, and so much more. My mouth was watering at the sight and it wasn’t even made yet.
My stomach growled and I held my stomach in pain. I really should’ve eaten before my hunger got this bad. The woman gave me a look of sympathy and then glared at Anubis. Anubis shrugged shyly and smirked.
“Ra, you better make some extra pizza. This girl looks really hungry.” The woman called out, meaning that her name must be Hathor.
And another one: I would always think that I was different. I couldn’t remember anything before the age of fifteen and my life seemed to be slightly different since. I knew that deep within my mind I was different but my mind wouldn’t allow me to see it. I wanted to unlock the box suppressing these memories. I needed to know what was in there and who was apart of my past, though one name kept popping up in my head the deeper and further I went, only one name and face kept popping up even though he looked about five. One name and that name was Ashley Purdy. Though, I had a sneaking suspicion that a kid in my English class was somehow connected to my past.
It’s cold outside, the wind nips at my skin putting a rosy hue in my cheeks.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I head to Fall Out Boy tomorrow, the first stop on their MANIA tour. But, here’s another example of my terrible writing from 2015. Though honestly I was supposed I could've had us stay at the hospital longer as I wasn't supposed to be home until Monday. I missed school yesterday even though I'm technically cleared to go to school. Though, by the time I got out of the hospital there was an hour left on school and there was no point in going. Though I will go after this weekend is over.
Today, I was going out to finally get the piercings my parents promised me if I got all A’s this semester. They would be a double snake bite on either side of my bottom lip. I already had a few ear piercings, so I decided that my lip wouldn’t be so bad. My dad had set up the appointment though, due to my slight case of social anxiety. My mother hadn't really been on board with the decision at first, but after some persuasion from my dad, everything was set in place. I decided I would hit up Jinxx to see if he would like to come with me. I needed a hand to hold considering I was terrified of needles.
Jinxx, are you free at like noon-ish today? I’d like to go get snake bites but I’m terrified of needles. I sent the text at rapid fire speed before heading downstairs to go get breakfast.
“Morning dad.” I chirped and walked into the kitchen. I grabbed a plate and some pancakes before sitting down at the table.
“Morning sweetie. Are you excited?” He asked, sitting down across from me. It took me a moment before I realized what he was talking about.
“Yeah, I'm really excited. Super excited.” I smiled.
“I'm glad you are. You worked hard for this.” My dad smiled at me, taking a bite out of his stack of pancakes.
“I should get ready soon, it’s almost eleven.” I finished eating my pancakes and walked upstairs to my room.
I took a quick shower and pulled on a pair of jeans along with a pair of combat boots. I wore a Misfits tank top and had pulled my hair into a simple ponytail. I sat down on my bed and checked my phone while I was waiting for my time to leave. The mall where the piercing place was at was about twenty minutes away and it was only eleven fifteen.
I’m not doing anything today, sure I’ll come with you. I’ll be at your house in five. Jinxx texted back. I smiled happily and I got up from my bed, slowly walking downstairs, trying not to disturb the wood floor.
My dad would be in his home office working on another storyboard that would eventually fail. He had attended the California Institute of Art with the hopes of applying to Disney. His resume failed and he went into a small depression. Now, he tries his hand at writing shows and drawing shows. My mom was the primary caregiver, though she spent most of her money on herself.
My leg bounced as I sat at the wooden table, also made by my grandfather, but it was made of maple wood, not oak. Our house was pretty secluded compared to the others. We were further into the woods and were at higher risk of being eaten by the flames of a forest fire.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Fall Out Boy tonight. First night of the Mania tour. But excerpt time: “You're back. Where were you?” Jinxx asked as I wiped the rest of the icing from my cinnamon roll off my face.
“I got breakfast. I would've bought you something but the nurse confiscated the egg and cheese sandwich I bought for you.” Jinxx smiled lightly before going into a coughing fit. I grabbed his cup of water and gave it to him. He sipped it gleefully.
“Why are you still here, didn't the doctor's clear you last night?” Jinxx asked and I shook my head.
“I did, but the doctor I advised that I stay away from school as long as you. He said it was something about our almost identical injuries. We'd need like the same time to heal. Anyway, did you know that you talk in your sleep?” I asked, changing the subject.
“No, I didn't. What did I say?” Jinxx asked, sitting up a little bit. He set down the cup of water and looked at me.
“Well most of it was nonsense, but I heard you say I was pretty.” I confessed.
“Sounds true to me.” I smiled and watched as Jinxx’s eyes took a quick glance at my lips before going back into thought.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.
“You.” Jinxx answered simply. Who knew one word could mean so much?
“What about me?” I asked, looking for clarification.
“About how beautiful you are and how badly I want to be your friend.” I smiled and placed my right hand atop his hand.
“I think that friendship can be arranged. You did take a pretty bad beating for me. The least I could do is be your friend.” I chuckled.
“Ah, I'm not that badly beat up. I'm fine,really.” Jinxx laughed.
“You're in the hospital, you are obviously not okay. Half of your ribs are broken and I'm pretty sure you would be dead if I hadn't stepped in.” Jinxx blushed and dipped his head to look at his hands.
“You are pretty amazing.” Jinxx said so softly that the words barely came off of his lips.
“You are too. I just wish I could play as many instruments as you.” I commented, blushing through the words.
We sat in silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but a comfortable one. The conversation had ended wonderfully and there was a natural pause. You had nothing more to talk about. You both just sat there. Jinxx yawned and you copied.
“Cry out above the burning sound...hmmm.” Jinxx sang quietly. The lyric seems really out of place as it wasn't in any song I had heard before. Yet, I smiled and looked at him as I had turned my head when a nurse entered the room.
“Ash, you should leave. Jinxx needs a sponge bath.” The nurse, a young African American male, said. He shooed me out of the room.
Cry out above the burning sound. Why did Jinxx sing that? It sounds really cool. Like it could be a song one day. Like a lyric in a cool superhero movie. I thought.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Four months until months until my birthday. My mother and I went to Cedar Point today and I am super tired. But here’s an excerpt: I sighed and picked up my guitar, strumming it lightly as not to alert my father to my activities. I had inspiration to write something. I had lost almost all of my muse when school started and now was as good a time as any to write a song. I am mad at the world for something. You know, the Jinxx being mad at me thing for not telling him about Justin.
“That’s terrible.” I whispered to myself, crumpling up another piece of paper and sending it floating down to the ground.
I looked up and out the skylight to the moon and stars above. It was a beautiful sight and I loved seeing it every night. It was especially great when I took a yearly trip to Alaska with my grandfather over winter break. That was up until his death, of course. Now, we take a trip once every two years. I once went by myself, just to see the Northern Lights again. I smiled, hoping that this year I could take a trip back up to see the colorful lights.
The day had passed by so quickly. I never realized how time flies when you’re having fun with someone. Especially when that someone took your mind off the troubles in the world. It was definitely a lot better than staying home most of the day to think. A tap on the window snapped me out of my thoughts, it must’ve been the tree branch out of my window.
“Who is this?” I asked as a message dinged on my phone.
Let me in, I want to apologize. I feel bad about going off on you earlier. Jinxx had texted. I sighed and walked downstairs.
“What do you want?” I sighed, opening the door.
“I want to say that I’m sorry for going off on you earlier. I was totally wrong and I should’ve been more sensitive.” Jinxx looked at me with bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks.
“Thank you for apologizing. I should’ve told you about Justin after you got beat up for me.” I sighed.
“No, I can get why you wouldn’t tell me. That’s a really terrible thing to go through. I have some problems at home, so I get it.” Jinxx sighed.
“Wanna stay the night?” I asked sensing he came because of those problems.
“Please?” He asked. I could see a backpack in his right hand and a suitcase in his left. I guess this was really bad.
“How about the next few days?” I asked and Jinxx basically fell into me, crying.
“My parents are fighting and they haven’t stopped all weekend. I doubt they’ll stop once the week starts.” Jinxx sobbed. I wrapped my arms around his waist and let him cry. I sighed and backed away, grabbing his bags.
I lead him up to my room and set up a place for him to sleep on the bed that sat in the room adjacent to mine. It was meant to be a guest room, but we never had that many guests, so it sat mostly unused. I used to sleep in that room when I was young. I smiled and let Jinxx cry for a little while and then take a shower.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I tried to find a Halloween costume today. I couldn’t find a Halloween costume because all of the costumes were made for size zeros and I’m not a size zero which not only sucks due to the fact that I love Halloween but I’ve become so insecure about my body now. I just wanted a Halloween costume that I don’t have to recycle from prior years. Everyone else will have a good costume and I will be at home doing nothing. I won’t be invited to any parties and I can’t go get candy without a costume. It’s too late now to do anything about it. I either recycle (which I would really hate doing) or not go. I chose to not go, at least for now. I’m too upset about not finding a costume. Maybe I was just being too picky but I didn’t want to be a sexy nurse or a sexy Chucky.
Excerpt? Excerpt. I woke up long before Ash did because the pain medication that the doctors put in my IV wore off and there was nothing left in the bag. I wasn’t in that much pain, but it definitely hurt to take a good breath. Ash was definitely being rash when she went out without a helmet. I didn’t even know the roads were that slippery. I’m pretty sure it didn’t rain yesterday, but I couldn't be sure. I was asleep until Ash told me about going to the mall so it could’ve rained before I got up. I don’t blame her at all for what happened. I’m mad at myself for waking her up. I was mad at myself for even being there in the first place. If it weren’t for my fucked up family, I wouldn’t even have been at her place.
Even now she looked so peaceful. Her beautiful eyes closed and her hair was splayed out around her head. The moonlight that was coming through the windows was lighting up her face in an eerie glow. Her breathing was even and slow. Every once in awhile she would wince in pain. I wanted to help, but I’m not a doctor. It hurt me seeing her in pain.
She’s so pretty. I thought as a light knock caused me to turn my head. A nurse walked in and smiled, carrying two bags of that magic liquid.
“She needs it more than me.” I did what I could to nod towards Ash and watched as the nurse begrudgingly replaced my bag and went over to Ash, replacing her bag. I watched and sighed as Ash stirred in her sleep.
“You both need it. You both crashed on a motorcycle into a tree without helmets. Granted she did a brunt of the force. Her skull is more crushed than yours. She broke all of her ribs and punctured one of her lungs. She broke her legs and her right arm.” The nurse smiled and walked out if the room.
“Good morning.” I smiled looking over at Ash. My head throbbed slightly, but it went away after a few seconds. Ash turned her head slowly and smiled.
“Good morning, how did you sleep?” I asked. I couldn’t move more than I already did. I was constrained by casts and wires and tubes.
“I slept as okay as I could after I crashed a motorcycle into a tree.” She whispered and then almost under her breath she said, “God, I’m so stupid. What was I thinking?”
“I don’t blame you for the crash. I blame myself. I should’ve just called the doctor and went by myself. I never should’ve dragged you into this.” I said slowly as my breathing was weak and slow.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Another excerpt for you today, cringe worthy: “No, I never should’ve dragged you into my messed up life. Nothing is ever your fault, you are too pure, too innocent for that. I’m a hurricane of bad decisions.” I said and looked up at the ceiling, fighting back tears that I didn’t even know that I had in my eyes.
“I am not innocent. I am not pure. I’ve made bad decisions too. You should know. Remember Justin? Yeah, you don’t even know how many times I landed in this hospital.” Ash growled. I sighed and rolled my eyes.
“No, but I’m not as pure as you think either.” I grumbled.
“What did you do?” She asked, clearly concerned as to what I did.
“I killed a bird, a blue jay. It was really pretty and I was playing baseball with a friend when I hit the ball and it hit her. At least, I think it was a her. She left behind a nest, so out of guilt I took care of the eggs. The three hatched and- hey look! It's snowing!” I said looking out the window and watched as the white flakes rained down from the sky. Ash turned her head slowly and watched as well.
“Your story isn't so bad. I wish I had some hot chocolate right now. It's like a ritual, you know? My grandfather would always come on the first snow of the season and make hot chocolate for me. We would spend hours talking about music and telling our favorite ghost stories.” Ash sighed. She really liked her grandfather, I could tell because she always had a story about him.
“You really liked your grandfather, didn't you?” I asked. Ash nodded slowly and sighed.
“Sometimes it feels like he's still here. Like I can feel his presence, smell his cologne. Is that strange?” She asked. I shook my head lightly.
“No, no it's not. How old were you when he died, if it's not too personal?” I asked.
“I was nine. He died six years ago. It was lung cancer that killed him. I always thought it would be music that would kill him. But, it was cancer that killed him. Cancer that I didn’t even know he had. I should've known with all the time he spent with me before his death. It’s never left me, you know?” Her eyes never wavered from the window. Her voice carried a sadness and if I could see her, I bet her eyes would be filled with tears.
“Yeah, I know how you feel. I can still picture the day I killed that bluejay.” I sighed, it’s the only connection I had to death. Maybe someone else had a connection to death, a murdered blue jay wasn’t near close enough to a part of your family.
“A blue jay is nothing. I lost the best grandfather ever. Even with the familial bias, a lot of people agree with me.” She kept looking out the window as a male walked in wearing a lot of eighties style clothing carrying a tray of Starbucks coffee. His hair was long and black and his eyes were a chocolate brown.
“This is not room two-oh-three, is it?” Ash turned her head and I could see her eyes light up. She smiled, blushing in the process.
“No, it’s not. This is room...what room number is this? Would you mind checking?” Ash asked politely. The male backed up and a second later came back in.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am watching emo cringe compilations on YouTube and that’s about it. Nothing has been really happening in my life other than that. But, I love taking these trips down memory lane. So, another excerpt is in store for today. “Good morning Ash.” I opened my eyes and a pair of chocolate brown eyes looked down at me, it was Ashley. He carried coffee and wore a cocky ass smile on his goddamn pretty face. I hated his guts for being born so pretty.
“Good morning whatever the fuck your name is.” I whispered, the medication that the doctors were giving me made my memory cloudy.
“My name is the same as yours. It’s Ashley, Ashley Purdy. Granted I do look better than you right now.” He laughed and I heard a growl come from Jinxx’s side of the room.
Of course his last name is Purdy, why wouldn’t it? He’s so goddamn pretty as it is, why not make it his last name? I thought.
“Well someone’s Mr. Grumpy today.” I rolled my eyes and took one of the coffee cups out of his hand, taking a sip.
“He almost didn’t let me in, but I insisted because our grandparents played together in one of his favorite bands.” Ashley also rolled his eyes, but he had a cocky smile on his face. I wasn’t that cute, I just woke up.
“I don’t like you here. You shouldn’t even be here.” Jinxx growled. I sighed and pushed myself out of my bed. Alarms sounded, but I didn’t care. I hobbled over to Jinxx on my broken leg, it hurt but I had a point to make.
“He has a right to be here. Maybe I want him here. Right now, he’s being better company than you. So shut your mouth and move the fuck on!” I yelled as a nurse walked in and pushed me back onto my bed. I refused. I was really aggressive for some reason.
I had a lot of testosterone in my body as a kid because I was supposed to be a male, so my mom’s womb made this whole mess of making testosterone only to realize that I had a two X chromosomes. So now I have a whole bunch of excess testosterone. It made me prone to violent outbursts.
“Please sit down, your heart and head aren’t ready for this.” The nurse said calmly. I pushed back and stormed over to Jinxx.
“I will not sit down. I’m fine!” I said angrily. The nurse took out a needle and stuck it into my arm. I felt my eyes close and I fell to my knees.
I awoke and Ashley was still there watching the television. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration and when I groaned, he looked back at me. Ashley smiled and took my hand in his. His hand was really soft and warm. It was amazing, I never realized how much I would love holding another person’s hand.
“You’re awake. Mr. Grumpy went in for another surgery to see if they can close a hole in his chest. You talk in your sleep by the way.” I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“So what?” I asked.
“You said you liked that guy. What’s his name again?” Ashley asked.
“Jinxx, his name is Jinxx. Okay, but really. Why are you here?” I asked back.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Two years ago, I never thought I’d meet Ghost. Two years ago, I never thought I’d become more confident (still working on that). Two years ago, I never thought I’d see them again at Warped. Two years ago, I never thought I’d be seeing them live for the third time, this time with a VIP ticket. When I heard my dad got the VIP ticket, I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to see my favorite band live. But, I was happy that it happened because I was allowed to thank Ghost via letter about all that he has done for me. Not just confidence wise, but in the way he presented. It gave my little transgender heart a little boost to see a man embrace his feminine side. If he could present femininely sometimes, so can I. It didn’t matter if I passed or not. I could embrace the side I so desperately wanted to reject. Ghost has done more for me than being a bassist in a band I like. He’s given me at least some measure of hope that there is a brighter future for someone like me. That there are some “role models” I can look up to. Even if he can be a tad bit problematic at times, (what human isn’t a tad problematic at times)-and I’m not defending what he has done or did-I still look to him as a source of inspiration for my own gender identity journey. He will continue to be that source of inspiration throughout this journey. Just like how Slash and Pete Wentz are helping me through my journey of being a mixed race man (half black-half white squad for the win). I never thought that two years would change me so much and looking back…it has changed me for the better.
I completely forgot about these creepy stories we wrote for October in freshman year. Maybe one day I’ll finish it or extend it to be a short story: “Hey mom, I’ll be home soon. It’ll be maybe an hour or so before I’ll be home, I just have to go to the temple and pray. That and my ride fell through, Julia went to a party with her boyfriend.” I told my mom. I could hear her disappointment over the phone. I was supposed to come home and get my homework done.
I pulled my jacket closed as a wind chilled my bones. A wolf howled in the distance and bats chirped their happy song. The sounds of Halloween- normally an American holiday, but widely celebrated in my small, remote town- were here. This was my favorite time of the year. The coldness, the smell of decaying leaves, all of it. I had always loved Halloween, the feeling of being something you’re not. Although, I felt that every day, being forced into society's mold of a perfect young woman. I’m not a young woman, I’m a young man. I never felt like a young woman. My eyes never saw a young woman staring back at me in the mirror. All I saw was a young man staring back. That was who I was and no one could tell me different. Though the gender dysphoria that I felt was too great for me to ignore. I had to change and I had to do it without my transphobic parents finding out.
“No, you’re coming home and getting your homework done. It’s too late anyways. It’s almost seven. Come home and get your homework done. I’m almost done with dinner.” My mom scolded. If she only knew that the “reading club” I went to after school wasn’t an actual thing, that I was actually picking up my prescription for testosterone once a month.
“Okay, okay mommy. I’ll be home soon.” I fake smiled, hoping the cheeriness would carry over the phone, and clicked the ‘end call’ button on my phone. I sighed and held my prescription bag to my chest.
Okay, okay...which way should I go. Should I head through the forest, hide my pills in the hollow tree and get home an hour late or should I take the train and hide my pills under my bed? I thought to myself before deciding that the forest was the better way to go. My parents would kill me if they ever found out that I was secretly a guy instead of a girl.
I turned left up a dirt path and headed into the woods, taking my chances with the hollowed out tree. My tree was a lot better than my bed, especially since my mom made my bed about once a month. I honestly couldn’t get the fitted sheet on for my life. Anyway, I walked into the forest and my eyes adjusted to the darkness. The sun had set for the most part and the darkness was hard to get used to. Though I knew my eyes would soon adjust. The trees groaned under the light breeze and birds chirped a verse, wolves howled a lonely chorus and the crunching of leaves and branches under my feet provided a beat. Together we created a song of freedom, life, love and acceptance. Our song is the only thing I know. They are the only family I know. We didn’t have to communicate, we just knew what to do. The birds chirping their verse. The wolves, a lonely chorus. Then my feet trailing a beat, one that matched the will of my heart. The will to be who I am and who I’m destined to be. Then, a rustling caught my attention. I whipped my head around, freezing in my tracks. The birds stopped singing and the wolves stopped their howling. That was a bad thing. The forest was never silent. The forest never stopped changing and being. My forest was being invaded. Our song was finished and I never heard it stop before. My song of life was finally finished. Now, my life was empty.
“Who’s there?” I called out, my voice shaking and echoing across the mostly empty woods. The rustling got closer and closer. I backed up with every step taken towards me. I began shaking and almost dropped to the ground when my back ran into a tree.
Don’t be scared, I was just like you once. I was scared and tired of being a woman in today’s society. Not many people can understand the feeling of being born as a woman and feeling like a man. I understand how you feel Jacob. The voice burned and echoed through my head. The voice was rough and scratchy, much like a typical man’s voice sounded like. Yet, you don’t understand how good it felt for your actual name to be said, even in your mind.
“Who are you?” I asked and a wolf, a large wolf, stepped in front of me. The wolf had large yellow eyes, a muscular body and the body the size of a horse. It’s fur was midnight black, almost matching the sky and I could see it’s breath plume out of it’s nose due to the night’s cold air.
I am Jason. You’ll need that name for when you finish the transformation. The wolf stepped closer and I had nowhere to go as Jason backed me against the tree.
I must be crazy, it has to be the hormones. I guess the doctor prescribed to much of it. I thought to myself. I did not want to believe that any of this was real.
“What trans-” I found myself asking though I didn’t even get out a full sentence out before Jason’s sharp teeth clamped around my bicep. A burning sensation burned through me and I fell to the cold, hard ground, watching Jason run away.
My vision blurred and my body felt weak. Something felt wrong, my bones felt like they were growing, like a growth spurt or something like that. I crawled to a nearby lake, each step burning and coursing through my body like a red hot fire. I looked into the mirror-like water and saw my reflection, only it wasn’t me looking back. Its eyes were falling out and I felt my own coming out as well. Slowly but surely, I watched in horror, my own eyes popped out with a little plop. My eyes were now maroon red and glowing under the moonlight. A weird stretching feeling drew attention to my nose and mouth. I opened my mouth feeling a burning pain there and three of my teeth fell out upon the opening of my mouth. Wolf-like fangs replaced the old ones that had fallen out. They gleamed in the moonlight, white and sharp. My skin fell off in chunks. I watched in horror as blood dripped down what was left of my face. The fallen skin revealed a snot covered in maroon red fur. I screamed, but the sound wasn’t human, it was a long, sorrowful howl. The skin on my body stretched and did the same as my face. I couldn’t stand, at least not on two feet. I was on all fours now. I will never be on two feet again. My entire body ached in pain, but somehow- in my mind, deep somewhere within my mind- I knew that this was the only way I would be accepted in this world. The only way I could be myself. I looked into the pond, now shrouded with shadows, my face- a new face full of fear and worry- stared back at me. My face seemed to be not my own, even though I knew that it was mine now. My clothes and bag ripped to shreds. Fur and skin laid in a large circle around me. My large, horse-like figure seemed to portray an air of strength even though the person behind the fur was scared as all hell.
Welcome to the pack young wolf. A new voice pierced my head, though it was not Jason’s rough scratchy voice. It was light and airy, much like you would imagine a fairy’s voice to be like.
What wolf pack? I asked the voice inside my head.
First off- no, you are not crazy, you are now stuck in this wolf form for the rest of your immortal life. Second of- this wolf pack is the LGBTQIA+ community of course. We are one of many around the world and we’ve had our eyes on you for awhile. You’re special. You’re preoperation. You’ve been hiding for the longest from your family. That shows strength. Third off- I’m Ghost. I’m the white wolf standing behind you. My large body turned around to see a large white wolf with sunshine orange eyes. Ghost shifted uncomfortably on their feet. Ghost had such a large presence. They towered over me, like they were the alpha of a pack or something. Ghost’s eyes were glowing in the darkness. Their body let off the same glow as if they were glow in the dark. Ghost stood as though he wasn’t afraid of anything.
Hi Ghost, I’m Jacob. I said, still thinking I was crazy about all of this, the transformation and the thoughts had to be some sort of hallucination due to the testosterone in my system. I still couldn’t believe that this was happening.
Hey, you need to get out of here as soon as possible, there’s a hunter tracking down us ‘freaks’. He’s after the trans kids now and he’s working his way down the acronym. Be careful. I’m marked, but I’m asexual panromantic, so I’ve got a ways to go before I die, but you don’t be care- A shot rang out and the bullet zoomed past my ear, hitting Ghost straight in the eye. They fell to the ground with a loud thud, almost dead. Ghost looked at me with a glazed over eye. Blood poured out of his right eye, flowing through his thick white fur. It spilled past his I could tell he was done for. There was no saving Ghost now. I stood over their dead body, watching for any signs of life. Luckily I could hear shallow breathing on Ghost’s end, thanks to the heightened hearing of the wolf form I’m now stuck in. I breathed heavily, seeing an orange dot heading towards us.
Run, he’s here. He’ll kill you, please...run. Ghost whispered.
There’s no saving me. I’m dead and gone, what’s done is done. Remember: you are a ‘he’ not a ‘she’, don’t let anyone tell you any different and follow the wolf pack for we are the LGBT+ community…Ghost’s voice gave a weak send off before I heard another gunshot whizzing past me. I felt them take their last breath against my leg. I stood there frozen for a few seconds. I still couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I couldn’t be a wolf. There’s no possible way that that could ever happen to anyone.
“Hey, freak! Get your filthy ass over here.” A gruff voice yelled at me. I took one last look at Ghost before running off into the woods. My feet not caring where I was headed. I just wanted to get out of here. I needed to do what Ghost had told me to, follow the wolf pack. But first, I had to find them, my wolf pack.“Hey mom, I’ll be home soon. It’ll be maybe an hour or so before I’ll be home, I just have to go to the temple and pray. That and my ride fell through, Julia went to a party with her boyfriend.” I told my mom. I could hear her disappointment over the phone. I was supposed to come home and get my homework done.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I wanted to go to the Guns N Roses concert tonight but I don’t have the money to go. But I do remember writing this: To know who you are is a lovely and amazing feeling. To not know who you are is devastating. I had the wonderful feeling of knowing who I am. I am the child of the famous Saul “Slash” Hudson and was the only child of his to live inside the house. He gave me more freedoms than I think her knew and cared for. But he didn’t seem to rectify the rules that he had in place for me. That was fine by me because if I made a mistake, there was always a nineties sitcom type of lesson to be had. That helped me grow and become a better person.
He was not the most conventional dad and his house showed this. There were a few snakes, as per my father, and a few more fluffy animals that were clearly my touch. There was a studio in the basement which my father allowed me to use. That was the only really expensive part of our modest house. Other than that, it looked like a normal house like anyone else’s. The only amazing thing about this house is that my father would sometimes bring over his musician friends and that lead me to meeting Motionless In White for some reason.
Motionless has been my favorite band long before I had met them. When I did meet them, my heart almost beat out of my chest. My favorite had been Vinny for a long time and I even had a crush on him. So when I saw him in person for the first time, my heart almost beat out of my chest. He gave me that dorky smile and I almost melted. We have been friends ever since and I still have a huge crush on him to this day.
“Hey Max, how are you,” The text popped up on my phone and I smiled lightly when I saw Vinny’s number along with the corresponding text.
“Not much. Want to come over,” I typed into my phone and smiled even more as butterflies filled my stomach. The effect that Vinny had on me was undeniable.
“Did Vinny just text you?” My dad’s soft and calming voice rang throughout my bedroom as I turned to face him with a huge smile on my face.
“He did,” I said not wanting to lie to my dad as he sat down next to me, wrapping an am around my shoulders. He kissed my temple and smiled at me.
“You should really tell him how you feel. I see the way he looks at you, there’s so much love in his eyes and you can see how crushed he is when he tries to make a move, but realizes that you might not be interested in him. He’s so in love with you and you are so in love with him. I don’t believe in soulmates...usually. But the two of you make me believe. So, the next time he comes over tell him,” My phone dinged as another text message came in and I smiled to myself even more.
“I would love to come over just give me ten minutes,” The text was from Vinny of course. It was odd that he would give the ten minutes to come over. He had no need to get ready because he had come over before with in his pajamas before and he lived just around the block.
“How long until he’ll be over,” My father gave me a quick side hug before he stood up to look at me. I blushed and looked down at my hands.
“Ten minutes,” I responded, blushing even more and I stood up, looking at myself in the mirror.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Excerpt: We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. These words rang in my head as the dust settled on the battlefield. My footfalls were deafeningly silent against the backdrop of the distant sounds of screaming. The world was covered in different hues of grey. The world was black and white, void of all color. I looked down and saw the destroyed faces of fallen soldiers. Some were rotting and others were freshly killed. The scent of death clung to the air. I pulled my bandana over my face. I looked over the air and tried to see the sun through the thick smog. I looked over to the sides of no man’s land. Soldiers waited to fire at will. My boots crunched against the bones of the dead. A shiver went down my back and I looked ahead towards the destroyed city ahead of me. Silence clung to the air worse than the scent of death. The only sounds that helped fill the void was the crunch of the boots and the fingers on the triggers of the blasters.
The US constitution ended up being complete bullshit in my opinion. It wouldn’t have gotten us here if those white males hadn’t written it. We would be perfectly fine under the British Empire but no, we had to be our own nation. White cisgender men made everything worse for me and so many other minorities. They had no concept of what any ways we have suffered. They had no reason to be apart of our lives. No right to create laws dictating our lives. They had no idea how badly we suffered. How badly we suffered at the hands of them. How they ripped apart our souls and raped our women until they gave birth to their devilish children. How they left us nothing but the clothes on our back and the shoes on our feet.
Call yourself kind, justified and holy, but I am God and all his angels next to you. You made me lead this terrible life. You made me want to kill you. You made me want to kiss your wounds as you died. Maybe even rip your heart out. Though, I wouldn’t call myself a violent person. I was just an angry one. A really, really angry one at that. I looked down and sighed lightly. The air clung to the silence. I don’t know why though. It used to be so loud and violent. Now it was eerily quiet. The worst part about it was my thoughts. I was alone with my thoughts. The soldiers were stone statues and I was the artist looking at my work. The one who created this all in revenge...my revenge.
“So my son has finally come to see me?” A disembodied puff of pitch black smoke moved around me.
“Your son has come to kill you. You can not keep these humans in fear anymore.” I spoke as I looked at the smoke which had now grown red glowing eyes.
“But what will happen if I leave? There will be anarchy. These people need a leader. They need me.”
“We do not need you. What we need is freedom, father.” The smoke hovered in front of my face and seemed to smirk at me.
“They don’t need freedom. Freedom is what got them here.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
My world is crumbling. First, a dear friend of mine dies. Secondly, I learn that I am failing statistics which compromises my position in the Early College cohort that went to John Carroll University (a position I hope I am able to keep by busting my ass in the last few weeks of the semester because really, the only reason I am failing is due to one bad test grade and it’s the only test grade in the gradebook). Thirdly, this message was sent out by William Control (an artist who started this whole journaling project without him really knowing it): Drive west young man, through the swamps and heavy air of Louisiana. Stop and let the blanket of humidity drape around your shoulders. Stop and listen to the sound of crickets and frogs and creatures in the night. Stop so they can watch you breathe. Feel the presence of that life. You’re not alone.
Drive west young man, through the Texas sun and endless desert, bleak and dry. Stop and let the dust stroll by your feet, look out as far as you can see, towards the ocean-less horizon and understand the world the way a spider would in a sandbox. Understand and let go. You’re not alone. Drive west young man, until you pass through the scorching sun of Arizona, through the foothills of eastern California, drive until your eyes are spinning and your heart is sore. Drive until your breath is gone, until your knuckles bleed….Drive because the west coast is waiting. The Pacific is there smashing into the beach, the life you’ve worked so hard for is passing you by. You’re still not alone. Drive north young man. Drive north past grapevine and the bay towards the valley of the many colored grass. Towards a home that is girdled in by the Olympic and Cascade mountains, where the clouds blanket the sky and the air is cool and crisp. Drive to the place where your son is eagerly waiting just beyond the door to give you a giant hug and tell you all about the things he’s been learning in class since the beginning of the school year. Drive because the life you’ve earned is there awaiting your arrival. Drive because your future is there with your wife and child and friends and family. Drive young man, away from the stage, away from the lights, away from the mighty roar of the audience. Drive away from that public life and admire the beauty of the picture you left behind for everyone to see, frozen in time on a digital lockbox written in neon lights and antique dreams. Legacy preserved. As this life disappears into the rear view mirror and all that I am shrinks out of existence I can say that I am proud of what I’ve accomplished in that life. Truly. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life traveling the world and entertaining people. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have met so many wonderful humans along the way. I’ve played with my heroes, stood on stages I never dreamed I would and I gave up any semblance of a normal life in search of those hopes and dreams. Those snatches of exuberance in the twilight hour. This was life. This was normal. The hotels and flights and trains and boats and oceans and deserts and toll bridges and endless concrete stretching from coast to coast. Normal. This was my life. And I am ever thankful that I got the chance to experience it for so long, and not with one band but two! I have you to thank. You. Who bought my records and t shirts, you who brought gifts and food and clothes and coffee. You who told your friends about my art, my books my live show. You that stood in the sun and rain and snow and hail and heat to watch me dance around and swing a mic. I can never thank you enough for allowing me to thrive in a world we created together. I’m driving home because I’ve reached the end. Driving because I’ve played all the shows I want to play. Made all the friends I wanted to make. My manager asked me why? Why, when this project is finally gaining a lot of momentum and I’m poised to be bigger than I’ve ever been? The truth? I’m tired. My son is growing up without me. My need for my family and my own bed outweighs the need for the stage, the stage on which I thrive. The stage on which I come alive. It outweighs my ability to deal with the chaos of the world and still continue to reconcile my own happiness. Maybe I just need a sanity break. Maybe I just need to disappear into the ether, never to be heard from again. Maybe I’m just ready for a new adventure. It doesn’t matter at this point. I need some silence. I need the noise of the world, the politics, the racism, the hatred to be shut off. I need nothing but quiet. The peace. I’m going west. Going northwest. Going to focus on my home. On Submit Clothing, Control Merch and Control Records. We’ve got some great new music from some fantastic artists coming out soon. We’ll be working on it this fall. I still have the last Revelations EP to release as well…which is quite fitting for the end of such a magnificent story. Goodbye my friends…and thanks for all the roses. So there he lies at the last. The deathbed convert. The pious debauchee. Could not dance half a measure could I? Give me wine, I drain the dregs and toss the empty bottle at the world. Show me our Lord Jesus in agony and I mount the cross and steal his nails for my own palms. There I go shuffling from the world. My dribble fresh upon a bible I look upon a pinhead and I see angels dancing…Well, do you like me now….Do you like me now…Do you like me now?
His account went private a few weeks (?) ago and now we all know why. He’s done and over with this chapter of his life. I wholeheartedly respect his decision to leave, for however long he leaves for. A month, a year or forever. Family is important to him and I really don’t know how it would feel to be away from your family for months at a time while you’re on tour. I will never know that feeling and I don’t think I ever will. I never had the connection to my parents that most people have. So, I am glad he is going to spend time with his family. I wish him all the best with that. It seems to mean a lot to him. It hurts knowing I only just got into his music. But I am happy that I was able to see him live before all of this went down.
Feelings are crashing in and I don’t know how to deal with them. I always bottled up my emotions and never really let myself feel. I haven’t even fully grieved the death of a friend who died roughly eleven years ago. She accidently drowned in a pool. I don’t even think I grieved the death of a cousin, who died in a four wheeler accident. Even Devin’s death hasn’t even hit me yet. My body is numb to all the pain I am having. What do I feel after all of this happened in less than a month? Anxious, numb, depressed? What do I need to feel and how to I cope with the sadness in my heart. Why would I ever want to feel such negative emotions? I don’t know the last time I fully cried over something but tears are filling my eyes right now. Maybe I should talk to someone. But who? Professionals don’t really seem to know what the hell to do and I haven’t had the best experience with them anyways.
I just want to curl into a ball and never come out. I am a failure to everyone around me. I am nothing but a worthless piece of shit who can’t do anything right. I should have never been born. I should just die and leave everyone alone. I cause too much pain to everyone around me. But I know the school will make a big deal out of it. “She will be sorely missed” and all the crap they pulled when Devin died (aka they really did a fuck ton of nothing and tore down the locker we had decorated in his honor). So I know I won’t get a big send off.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am sorry, another excerpt tonight. He ran a hand through his shoulder length, thick brown hair and smiled. He laughed at a joke the jock told him. His smile was wide, showing the amazing dimples the man sported. He patted the man’s arm and smiled, his mouth moving. I was too far away to make out any words but what he said was seemingly giving the man a congratulations on the game, one in which our school won last night. I only knew this because the jock smiled back and pointed to the drumsticks my crush was carrying in his left hand. Probably to tell him how good of a job the drummer did last night leading the drumline in some amazing new choreography. He smiled and giggled The jock smiled back and ruffled the drummer’s hair before walking away.
The drummer turned and faced a mirror in his open locked. He fixed his always messy hair before turning to grab a psychology book off of the top shelf of the locker. The drummer turned back to the mirror and smiled. It sent butterflies to my stomach. My heart thumped in my chest. The drummer turned back and smiled as he caught my eye. I turned away, avoiding eye contact. I tucked some hair behind my ear and smiled into my books. A light blush creeped to my cheeks as I hugged my books to my chest. I smiled lightly once more and looked up at my friend. She smiled and giggled lightly as she shook her head.
“You are so in love with that little drummer boy. I don’t know why you don’t just walk up to him and ask him out. That or ask him to be the drummer in our band.” She smiled lightly as she closed her locker with a slam.
“I am not asking him to join Unwritten Death. That’d literally be a deathwish. Plus, I’m sure he’ll say no because he’s probably really busy with marching band.”
“Then I guess the only other option is asking him out.” She turned and walked towards her classroom. Only milliseconds later, the bell rang and I turned to head to my own class. One with the dreaded drummer.
“I want you all to pair up and start working on the paper I just handed out.” My teacher smiled and tugged on her grey pencil skirt before she walked back to her desk, sitting down.
Everyone began to pair up and I looked around the room. People were pairing up with their friends. Unluckily for me, my last friend transferred out of the class once he realized that the class was too hard. I sighed and kept looking around. The only one left was the drummer. The one I dreaded to see every day. The one who made me feel like I was sick to my stomach in the most adorable way. Hazel eyes and brown hair never looked as sexy as they did when they were featured on his face.
I got up and moved towards his desk. My body moving without the direction of my brain. My eyes roamed his body and I prayed to the gods above that he wouldn’t notice my gaze. His body was so mesmerizing to me. He was short, but not ungodly short. He was muscular from hours of drumming. I assumed his legs were the same from hours of marching band practice. His posture was good...when he was playing out on the field. He had a slightly slouch to him when he wasn’t playing. Probably from spending nights playing World of Warcraft or whatever game interested him at the time.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
So, my friend dropped the ball and kind of left me alone for Halloween which is shitty. So I’m basically left with no costume (nothing fit me) and no way for me to get anywhere for Halloween. I’m staying home for Halloween. Something went wrong with Kylie’s (the friend who was supposed to take me since our neighborhood is dead in Halloween since there are no kids and if there are, they go to other neighborhoods) plans and now I can’t go with her so now I’m alone on Halloween with no plans. It was just the last holiday I enjoyed which sucks. I really loved Halloween and all the festivities around it. But I guess that leaves once you get older. I no longer have any holiday that I enjoy. Not even my own birthday is enjoyable to me. I loved dressing up and being whatever I wanted to be. I was Hermione Granger three years in a row. But now I don’t get to go for the first time in my whole life. I want to enjoy Halloween but I can’t even go trick-or-treating by myself. I don’t have a costume though and it’s practically too late to throw together a costume. Even my Slash costume is dead because I’m too fat to fit into the shirt I used last year. I guess me not finding a costume this year should have been my first sign that Halloween wasn’t agreeing with me this year. So, goodbye Halloween. You may now join the rest of the holidays that have been ruined.
Excerpt time: “Everyone else in the room was taken?” His voice cracked only lightly as he fiddled with his pencil.
“Yeah, everyone else was taken. You can work alone if you’d like. I don’t mind working alone.” I spoke, my voice only raising lightly in volume.
“Come, sit down. I could use the help. I’m all but failing this class and I know you’re passing this class with flying colors. Jameson is a real bitch to the marching band. I know she takes it out on us because she never got to fuck a drummer. We do it harder, don’t you know?” He winked as I took a seat next to him.
“I don’t know. I never fucked a drummer before. Amy, my friend did and ended up leaving Unwritten Death without a drummer.”
“I’m assuming that she’s the lead singer? Sounds like a lead singer thing to do.” I shrugged and smiled lightly.
“Yeah, she’s our lead singer. Maybe you can try out to be our new drummer. I hear you’re pretty good.”
“I may be a bit interested. What do you guys sound like?” He asked as he began working on the paper.
“Eh, bit like Motley, bit like Guns with a little bit of metal thrown in. Haven’t really gotten it all together. Amy has more of a pop voice, everyone and their mother knows that. But she insisted on creating this band to show off her ‘rocker vocals’.”
“Trash talking your best friend. How naughty.” Aiden smiled and giggled as he shook his head lightly.
“She’s not really my best friend. I just hang around her like a person in a band. A bandmate, but not a best friend. We don’t have that foundation. I would call her a friend, but only in passing. She’s the worst person in the world.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Another excerpt for you tonight: “I only hang out with her because she’s the lead singer of our band. We have a perfectly healthy business relationship. But, she’s a complete gold digger. She thinks her blonde hair and blue eyes can get her anywhere. That she will become famous by marrying some famous guitarist and starting a band with him. Mind you, this is all based off the so called success of a singer she idolizes. This singer married another, more famous singer and proceeded to make money off said singer. She sells all of his clothes online and gross shit like that. It’s weird to me. But Amy idolizes this bitch and uses all of us to get even more famous.”
“Eh, maybe I’ll try out for this little band of yours. Marching band is winding down and we won’t be doing much for the rest of the year. Since the drumline is so tight, we might not be doing much of anything except for talking about the new video game releases from this year. Plus, it’d be a nice change of music.” He shrugged and smiled a bit as he wrote some answers down onto the page.
“I guess I’ll see you there. We’ll be at my house since I’m the only one with my own place. It’s going to be great if the band agrees to you being with us. I already know you’re an amazing drummer but they don’t know that. Our two guitarists don’t go here. Though they’re transfering sometime during second semester since their school isn’t as well off as ours. Even if we are a lowly public school.”
“Which leaves our lovely bassist as you.” He smiled and lowered his head to look back at the paper.
“Yeah, that leaves me as the bassist. I’m not that great of one but the twins both had guitars which lends them to claim those instruments.” I smiled and looked down at the page, filling out a few answers on some Shakespearean poetry and plays.
“Come on in and meet the rest of the band. We’re a ragtag bunch but I’m sure you’ll survive just fine. If you make it, of course.” I smiled and brought the man into the living room. The twins sat on the couch and Amy sat in a recliner, just happy to be there.
“We’ll have to interview you first, of course. Just to make sure you fit our style and what we’re trying to achieve here.” One of the twins, Jacob, leaned on his knees and looked at the drummer as he sat down on a chair across from them.
“Of course, that’s reasonable. My name is Aiden, by the way.” Aiden tried to extend a hand to Jacob but he curled his lip in disgust.
“The name is Jacob and that’s my twin brother, Justin.” Justin played with his long, brown hair and smiled lightly.
“Hey, little brother!” A hand pushed my head forward and I groaned lightly as I turned to face my brother.
“What have I told you about interrupting band meetings?” I shot up and followed my brother into the kitchen.
“You said not to do it but I didn’t know that you had one today. It’s not like you tell me these things.” He turned to the sink and swiftly pulled his long, black hair into a messy bun.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day one. I hope everyone wrote 1,667 words today. Here’s an excerpt from a paper I am writing: Devin Peterson was a bright, young man of only sixteen when he was found in his backyard. Word went around the school that he had committed suicide. The entire school was devastated and they tried to grieve, but teachers shut down any attempt to memorize him. They even took down the decorations on Devin’s locker. As much as the school wanted to help, people began to speculate as to why the administrators just now began to care for the mental health of their students only after one died. They talked about how ridiculous the attempts were because the administration had never cared about the health of anyone. Nurses only gave out mints and ice packs to students. There’s even a joke amongst students that a person could break their leg and the nurses would only give them an ice pack. The students are now criticizing the administration on their attempts to pander to a younger generation. While many looked to others, others ooked inside of themselves to find answers as to why Devin killed himself.
As much as teachers and educators love to preach about helping out students wherever they can, whether that be having their doors open for discussions after hours about what is going on in their students’ lives or giving out resources on where to go if the student needs additional help on what to do if this particular student finds themselves in a bad place mentally. A lot of mental health sites on the web are mostly English based or need to be paid for and there seems to be a lack of resources as far as mental health is concerned. More specifically, there are little to no resources online where LGBT+ mental health is concerned. Online there are many places where mental health is concerned where there are some therapists offered who cater specifically to members of this community. Though, there seems to be a lack of sites where this problem, mental health in LGBT+ members, are concerned. Mental health runs rampant in the community that has largely been ostracized since the beginning of modern society. The LGBT+ community faces stigmia for their sexual and/or gender identity. Mental health is also largely stigmatized, especially in racial minority groups. To those who are not out to their family or are facing rejection of their mental illness amongst family members, there needs to be a safe place for these people to go. More websites, strictly location based websites, need to cater to LGBT+ people and LGBT+ people of color wherein their location is a part of how they can receive mental health advice from people within their own community.
As much as suicide seems like a selfish way to die, it’s a real problem. It is the second leading cause of death between 13 to 19 year olds. This comes after unintentional injury and right before homicides (Mantel 745). Thus, this is the most dangerous way to die amongst teenagers. It’s a real problem and should be taken very seriously, but was only taken seriously at Cleveland Heights High School after a child killed himself. Of most hate crimes, 17.7 percent were targeted because of bias against sexual orientation and 1.7 percent were victims of gender-identity bias (Victims), With suicide being the second leading cause of death amongst teens and 17.7 and 1.7 percent of hate crimes being committed against LGBT people of the LGBT community
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
It bothered me how much the two of us looked alike. People always confused us for twins, though neither of us saw the resemblance. If he wasn’t so much older than me, roughly nine years (my mother never revealed his age to me because that would mean revealing how young she was when she had him). But he was old enough to take care of me when my mom died of an overdose when I was four. His eyes were the same dark hazel color that I had. We had the same color black hair that came down to our shoulders. It was thick enough to snap hairbands even if it was stick straight. We were both bulky in build, that’s just how our muscle built up. He was more of a bodybuilder than I was. Plus, he was more goth than I was with his pale skin and makeup. He spent hours doing his makeup in front of his thousands of Instagram followers. Though I couldn’t complain because I had the same skin tone as he did. We also shared the same angular face. The only way to tell us apart was the piercings my brother decorated his face with.
“I thought you would have noticed the smell of weed on the twins.” I whispered as I crossed my arms, knowing he was right.
“Well, I was kind of vaping in my room. So I couldn’t really smell the twins, now can I? Shouldn’t you be owing me apology for getting irrationally mad at me?” He turned on the water and began to wash the pile of dishes in the sink.
“I’m sorry, big brother. I should have told you about the meeting.” I whispered as he turned around, one rubber gloved hand on his hip and the other waving a scrubber.
“Thank you, little brother.” He smiled and went back to working on the dishes. I went back into the living room where Aiden was being interrogated.
“So, what kind of music do you listen to?” Justin asked as he light a joint, passing it to his brother who refused.
“Whatever really sounds good.” Aiden replied nervously as he looked around the room. He twirled his drumsticks in his hands and sighed lightly.
“Oh my fucking god, can’t we start practice already? I have a photoshoot tomorrow and I need my beauty rest.” Amy rolled her eyes and sighed, tapping on the edge of the couch nervously.
“If you really want to get some beauty rest, you can fucking leave. I don’t care if you stay here or not.” Justin growled as he looked at her.
“I guess I will then.” Amy shot up and walked out of the house. I sighed and sat down next to Aiden.
Justin leaned back and nuzzled into his brother’s neck, placing a wet kiss onto his brother’s neck. As much as I hated to see two siblings be incestous with each other, it was the rules of the land. I looked at Aiden and shrugged. Justin and Jacob were soulmates. There was nothing else I could do. Any scar that they got was healed by the other. All except for the scar running down diagonally from Jacob’s right temple to the edge of his top lip. This was from an accident involving a broken bottle being thrown at his face. Only important scars stayed on the skin. But they turned a light blue instead of whatever light color of skin tone they normally were.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy third day of NaNoWriMo. I love that I am doing this challenge and hope that I can finish it. I am a few days ahead in word count which is really good. I am also finishing up a rough draft to an essay. I want to finish it tonight so I don’t have to worry about it for the next week. Then I can clean it up next Friday night. So, here’s an excerpt from my novel: That night I headed home with my brother. His intense eyes on the dark road ahead of us. The road was quiet and there were no other cars on the street except for us. His eyes were on the road. There were bags under his eyes as he had been with our sister all day. I tried to keep my eyes on the road, but the thought of doing the same made me want to shoot myself. So, I leaned over and turned on the radio. The opening notes Paradise City began to play over the radio. My brother shot a look at me. I held my hands up before I rushed to turn the radio off. The previous silence had been deafening. At least to me, anyways. I never liked silence, yet my brother relished in it. Clearly my brother didn’t think so.
“Why did she have to have a baby with someone who wasn’t her soulmate?” I asked lightly, trying to break the silence.
“She wanted to give the man she loved a child.” My brother smiled and looked at me, though his eyes held some sort of pain.
“Yes, but he didn't take away any of her scars. Isn’t that what soulmates are supposed to do?” I asked as I looked at him.
“I want to say that those rumors are true, but I don’t know what would make you say that soulmates heal the scars of their partners.” His eyes were focused on the road ahead of us. I looked at the now silent radio. The incorrect time, midnight, flashed as the clock seemed to taunt me.
“It’s an old story and it has happened before. Jacob and Justin are proof of soulmates, and that story, existing.”
“They probably just lied about those fucking scars. They’re potheads, I wouldn’t believe a word they said. I don’t know why you believe them either. They probably lie about a lot more than those fucking scars.”
“Well I do, and I’ve seen it happen with my own two eyes.” I whispered, crossing my arms over my chest.
“You must have been on something. I know you’ve been out partying with those friends of yours. That band is fucking destroying you.”
“I don’t know why you think that band is bad for me. That band is quite fine for me. At least I’m not out getting women pregnant.” I shot at him.
“I never got a woman pregnant and you fucking know that! I only had sex with one woman and she never got pregnant from me!” My brother turned and glared at me.
“Yeah, because I took her to go get a fucking abortion!” I yelled as my brother slammed on the brakes.
“You took her to get a what now?” My brother lifted his hands and brought them to my throat, squeezing just enough to let the air that hung in my throat.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy day four of NaNo and I hope you are all writing as much as you can on this lovely Saturday. You should have at least 6,666 words or more. If you’re behind schedule, you can use this weekend to try and catch up on any words you may have missed. I am, personally, am almost 5,000 words ahead of schedule. I encourage you all to participate in this month long challenge. It’s not too late to join and you could write an amazing story in a month. Or maybe even the start of an amazing story. I hope you all can join in on this amazing challenge. It would be a lot of fun to be in a community of writers who love to do the same thing as you do.
“I never got a woman pregnant and you fucking know that! I only had sex with one woman and she never got pregnant from me!” My brother turned and glared at me.
“Yeah, because I took her to go get a fucking abortion!” I yelled as my brother slammed on the brakes.
“You took her to get a what now?” My brother lifted his hands and brought them to my throat, squeezing just enough to let the air that hung in my throat.
“She found out that the baby was yours which wasn’t hard because she was only fucking you, dumbass. When I took her to her doctor’s appointment, since you were so adamant about that child not being yours, she found out that it was yours. Which is stupidly a fact but you were such a hard head about the pregnancy. She wanted to get an abortion because she knew you would never accept the baby. I wanted to take the baby and raise it as my own because I wanted a kid, I always have wanted a baby. As young as I was, I wanted to be a father. I wanted to take the kid and give him a good life but she wouldn’t let me take the child as I still was one. But I tried to persuade her against getting the abortion. I really did, but the baby is gone now. I had to take her to go get it. I even took her to therapy after she killed the baby. I respect her decision but I wanted to at least help her out by taking the baby away from her. She wouldn’t have to look at the bay or pay child support. I would take the baby and raise it. I wanted to raise the baby and I never wanted to anger you. I never wanted to anger her either. I wanted to let people live their lives but I guess now I made you angry. I didn’t ever want to make you feel like the worst person in the world. I just wanted to try and allow her to have the baby, which is what she seemed to have wanted to have this kid. She really seemed to want to bring this child into the world. I knew she was scared of the backlash she would receive if she told you that you were the father. Look at what you’re doing right now. You have your hands around my throat all because I told you that she might have had that baby and that she had an abortion. I’m not even her and you’re starting to choke me out. Imagine what you would have done to her if she had told you she had an abortion. You knocked her up and you should have taken responsibility for what you did.” I gasped against the strength of my brother. His grip softened and looked at me. The car kept cruising and I turned my eyes to the empty road.
“What do you mean you wanted to be a father? I never heard of you ever wanting to be a father. Especially after father died.” I looked down and sighed, hearing of my father made me sort of depressed.
“Father had no impact on me ever wanting to be a father.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Welcome to NaNo day five and I hope you wrote 8,333 words so far. If you’re having a great day. I’m definitely not because I have a problem where I push people away. I guess I deserve it because I’m a shitty person. I know I’m a really shitty person because of all of the messed up shit I do but I don’t want to get into that. Here’s your excerpt from today: I walked up to my brother’s room and tapped on the open door to catch his attention, “Hey, I’m going to go to bed. Could you watch over me?”
“Yeah, of course I will. But you should really go see someone about these night terrors. I don’t know why you won’t go see them. You’ve been having these ever since mom died.” I turned and headed to my room across the hall.
A few moments later, my brother joined me in my small twin bed. I barely fit, but having him next to me stopped the multiple night terrors I had. With him, I normally had one or two. Without him, which wasn’t often, I had up to ten per night. I never woke up from them as my body experienced sleep paralysis and my own nightmares came to haunt me when I woke up. I slept well with him next to me though. I felt a lot better with him around. He was my big brother, of course. He was supposed to be my protector. That meant he sometimes slept next to me. But that was only when I felt like I was going to have a bad night. Tonight was one of those nights. I felt like I was going to have a lot of night terrors.
“I really need you here and you know that. You know you make all of my symptoms go away or lessen them.” I whispered as I snuggled into his chest.
“Yes, but you’re a senior in high school. This isn’t cute anymore. You’re not a little kid. I would accept it after mom and dad died since you were terrified of being alone. But now you seem to not want to let go of what happened.”
“Our parents died one after another. Dad was gone before the birth of Reagan and then our own sister died due to postpartum depression. Mom died after throwing herself off of a fucking bridge. Reagan, our niece is nowhere to be found. Our brother-in-law stole her from us. I don’t know what you want to do for me. You can blame me for being born with a vagina. I’m a disappointment to the family and you presumably. I hope you know I have more night terrors when you’re gone. When you leave, I have more and more night terrors. I don’t know what you want me to do. You act like you’re all cool with this but I know you aren’t. I know you look down on me because I was always favored by mom and dad. That you only signed off on all of my surgeries because you wanted to please a long dead father. A father who clearly favored me more than you. You resent me because I was always favored by my parents, our parents. You were always pushed to the side. You were supposed to be the breadwinner for the family. You were supposed to be the shining star. The one who actually did something for the family. But you couldn’t handle the constant neglect. They neglected you and you resented that. You resented me and now you take it all out on your younger brother. The one who was supposed to be a part of what you always wanted. I have everything you ever wanted in life. As such a talented person as you are, you could never compare to your younger brother. The bassist for a band that is coming up in life. One that will eventually end up with their name in shining lights.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
New vocabulary list for AP Government: Political Party- An organized group with shared goals and ideals that joins together to run candidates for office and exercise political and electoral power. Political Machine- A party organization that recruits voter loyalty with tangible incentives and is characterized by a high degree of control over member activity. Candidate-Centered Politics- Politics that focus on the candidates, their particular issues, and character rather than party affiliation. Party Realignment- Dramatic shifts in partisan preferences that drastically alter the political landscape. Critical Election- An election that signals a party realignment through voter polarization around new issues and personalities. National Convention- A party meeting held in the presidential election year for the purpose of nominating a presidential and vice presidential ticket and adopting a platform. Delegate- Representative to the party convention. Superdelegate- Delegate to the Democratic Party’s national convention that is reserved for a party official and whose vote at the convention is unpledged to a candidate. Secular Realignment- The gradual rearrangement of party coalitions, based more on demographic shifts than on shocks to the political system. Think Tank- Institutional collection of policy oriented researchers and academics who are sources of policy ideas. National Party Platform- A statement of the general and specific philosophy and policy goals of a political party, usually promulgated at the national convention. Party Identification- A citizen’s personal affinity for a particular political party, usually expressed by a tendency to vote for the candidates of that party. Proportional Representation- A voting system that apportions legislative seats. according to the percentage of the vote won by a particular political party. Winner-Take-All System- An electoral system in which the party that receives at least one more vote than any other party wins the election. Polarization- The presence of increasingly conflicting and divided viewpoints between the Democratic and Republican Parties.
And an excerpt:
“So, what do you think of the soulmate theory. You know, the one where the soulmate can take away the scars of their partner?” I asked, munching on the piece of pizza in my hands.
“I don’t know what to think. I have never seen someone like that before. I want to believe that it’s true and care for someone that much. I want to believe that it’s true but I have no proof of soulmates existing.” Aiden munched on the pizza that he had. The twins had already left and that left Aiden and I for dinner. My brother had left half an hour ago to go tend to some work at the cafe he worked at.
“I mean, as weird as it sounds, Justin and Jacob are soulmates. They bonded in the womb and now they’re madly in love with each other. They’ve even fucked here a few times because their parents don’t like the fact that they’re soulmates.”
“That’s a little incestous, don’t you think? I mean, they’re brothers. They share the same DNA, even if they can’t reproduce and make children. I think it’s still pretty disgusting. At least to me, but if you say they’re soulmates. I guess I’ll believe you then, since I know you’re so nice.”
“I just believe it since I’ve seen it with my own two eyes multiple times. Though I would like to say that these people are just delusional.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day seven and I hope you reached 11,666. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote today: “I fought people up until eighth grade then she began to beat me on a weekly basis once I started standing up for you. When I found out that you were transgender. I made sure I called you by whatever name you wanted, even through the changes you made. I called you by whatever pronouns you wanted at the time. I told her how much calling you a tranny hurt you. That it was a slur that you didn’t want to reclaim for yourself. That you wanted to reclaim nothing but your own life back. That I loved you more than anything in your life. I wanted to make sure that you were protected from her wrath. We both know she was a fucking piece of homophobic and transphobic shit I kept trying to educate her. That being transgender was not a mental illness but has mental effects on someone like gender dysphoria. That the only mental illnesses that I knew you had were depression and anxiety. I didn’t know you had gender dysphoria and avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder until after our mom died. I wish I knew but I couldn’t. I was defending you and your honor. But that got me beat a lot more than I wanted to get beat but I love you. As much as I wanted to not get beat up, but I want you to be safe. So I wanted to make sure you were safe.”
“Well, I didn’t know that much. I could have fought her myself. I wanted to make sure I was okay as well but having you get beat up for my sake is something I don’t think I can live with. At least, now that I know you got beat up by her for defending me. I can do that perfectly fine by myself.” I looked down and ate a bit more of my food.
“Well, I made sure you were defended. Especially in times you couldn’t defend yourself. I wanted to make sure you were protected. She was calling you a tranny and a shehe. Literally every name in the book. I couldn’t take it anymore because you were my brother. You were my flesh and blood. You’re my little brother and I love you so much. I would always defend my little brother no matter what you go through. I would cross seas for you because you’re family. As much as you remind me of uncle and as as many night terrors and nightmares you get, I will always be your brother. What else did she do to you?” He asked lightly, looking at me.
“She would just call me names and shit. After she called me every name in the book, she would go and begin to become more and more neglectful. She denied me food sometimes. Either that or she would give me far less food than either of you, you and dad. I just wanted to be her daughter but I didn’t want to be a girl. I guess I most likely deserved most of it. I’m sure you knew that she was rejecting me because I was a man who was ‘taking her daughter away’ and I was taking her daughter away. She always talked about me being her little princess and I wanted to be that princess for her so badly. I wanted to make sure she was the best woman with her little daughter. Her little princess and her little girl I wanted to make sure she was the best woman with a daughter she could be. She would never get up to help make sure I was okay. She never cared for me and she hated me. I could tell she hated me and she took it out on you. She should have taken it out on me. She really should have and I don’t know why she never did because I was the one who was making her angry. I was the one who made her so angry. I took her little girl away and I was the once who chose to be a man in her eyes.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day eight and I hope you hit your word count goal. Here’s another excerpt from what I wrote today: “Yeah, the drummer guy named Aiden. He looked like he was super serious. Like, really serious.” The redhead smacked the blonde playfully, giggling.
“I think I’m the only gay guy in this fucking school, maybe even in this whole town. So, I think it’s safe to say he didn’t like me at all. He’s probably thanking me for the audition to be in my band.”
“You’re in a band?” The blonde went wide eyed and smiled at me. I nodded as she swooned lightly.
“I’m the bassist in an alternative band. It was, and still is, pretty underground but if you want to come to a show…” I trailed off and looked at the three women. They giggled and smiled, nodding happily.
“Of course we’ll come. But only if you take this note back and read it outloud. It’s only fair since we’d love to see what’s inside.” The redhead handed the note back and smiled at me. I nodded and took the note back, opening it up.
“‘I know this kind of a shock. Me leaving these flowers and this note on your locker. I bet it’s kind of creepy. We only just met a few days ago, more specifically two days ago. But I have been watching you for awhile now and I have developed a crush on you. It sounds creepy, I know and you don’t have to like me back. But when you asked about soulmates, it got me thinking about what I see in people. I looked inside of myself and noticed that I can’t go a day without thinking about you. Wondering if I could ever be loved back by you because you are so far out of my league. I know it’s stupid to say but I miss even seeing you if I don’t in school. I know you’re busy with your band, which takes you everywhere around the country and I love that. But I want to get to know you better because I have developed a crush on you. I want to cuddle you when you feel lonely. I want to take you on the cutest dates possible. No, this isn’t a joke at all. I do actually like you as more than a friend. I want you to feel love for the first time in your life. Yes, I am gay and I like men a lot. I’m more bisexual or pansexual, but I do experience same gender attraction. I see you as a man and I love you so much, like you so much. I really like you so much and I want to make sure you feel like the most amazing person ever. I know this is abrupt and new, but I want to take you out on a date’.” I read as the women squealed happily. I blushed and looked down the hallway towards the drummer, Aiden. He smiled and waved at me, blushing as he walked towards me.
“You got my note, didn’t you?” He smiled as he looked at the note in my hands. I nodded and looked at him.
“I did and it was very sweet of you to give me the note. The flowers were nice as well. They were a very nice touch.” I smiled and blushed a little bit.
“I thought you might like them. I heard somewhere that you liked sunflowers. I went to some of your shows and saw Jacob give you some. Why do you like sunflowers so much? Not like you have to tell me anything. I am basically a stranger to you.” He asked, looking down doing the thing where guys rub their necks.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I hope you had a good day or a good NaNo day nine or both. I hope you hit the word count goal for the day and I love that the people who are attempting NaNo are doing just fine. So, who is doing NaNo? Comment below if you have done NaNo before (give advice if you can) or are doing NaNo this year for the first time. This is my first official year of NaNo and I hope people are having a good day or night or afternoon, wherever you are. Here’s my excerpt from the day: I waited and waited, for an hour I sat there waiting for my date. I looked at my watch again. It was eight fifteen, an hour past the time Aiden told me that he was going to be there. I looked down and drank a bit of my milkshake. The one I got for the both of us to be stupid with. But it was melting and fast. But I kept holding out for my date. I wanted to have faith in him. I wanted him to come here. I wanted him to have an excuse. I wanted Aiden to be here with me. I wanted to be stupid boys who liked each other. I wanted to be loved by him and other boys down the line if this didn’t all work out. I had already told my brother that he was late and that I would text him for a ride home if Aiden didn’t show up in another hour since it was getting dark and it was raining pretty hard.
Aiden came rushing in behind a large ass teddy bear and some sunflowers, the bell ringing behind him as he fixed his slightly messy hair, “Hey I am so sorry I am an hour late. I didn’t mean to be this late. There was an accident on the freeway near where I lived and I had to take backroads where I found this guy selling sunflowers and I had to get them because I remembered how much you loved them and I just had to get them. I wanted to tell you so badly but my phone died and I forgot my car charger in my brother’s car because I was using that car while he was in college since that car is a little bit better than my rickety old car.”
“I can’t believe you made it. I thought you stood me up.” I looked down and moved the straw around in the cup.
“I would never stand you up because I am genuinely interested in you and what you want to do. I’m glad you came, actually since you thought this was a joke.” Aiden sat down, setting the flowers on the table and the teddy bear next to him in the booth.
“I had to give you a try, didn’t I?” I asked as Aiden smiled lightly, looking over the menu of various styles of burgers and fries. On the back, there were many styles of milkshakes along with the classics.
“I guess I did, but I am so fucking sorry for being so late to this date, especially since I wanted to take you out on this date. I am so sorry and I don’t think I can ever make this up to you.” Aiden looked down and sighed, fixing his wet hair once more.
“It’s fine by me, it’s better than being stood up. I was waiting on you to eat, but if you hadn’t come by eight thirty, I would have eaten.”
“Thanks for waiting so long. I didn’t mean to inconvenience you in any way. I am so sorry for being so late. But you do look really handsome tonight. You clean up really nice.” Aiden blushed a bit as he looked down at the menu.
“It’s fine and I am okay with you being late. I just want to eat right now.” I smiled and looked at the menu, having already decided what I wanted an hour ago.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day ten, I hope all you NaNo writers are having a good writing session and I hope you get your words in. Here’s an excerpt from today’s writing session: “Aren’t you going to make a move on him? Jesus, you two dance to some random dude in the park and you’re not even going to end the night with a fucking kiss or something?” The singer stopped playing as he looked at the two of us.
“Which one of us do you want to make a move?” I turned to look at the man as he smiled lightly at the both of us.
“I don’t care which one of you makes a move, just one of you make a move. Make a move on the other and make me feel good as the man who played music for y’all.”
I giggled lighty and locked eyes with my date. His hazel eyes turned much warmer than they already were. I don’t remember who leaned in first. Maybe it was me, maybe it was him. It didn’t matter anyways since Aiden looked down, his eyes fluttering closed for a split second before opening to check to make sure I was okay. When I nodded, he leaned in a bit further. I leaned in a bit and we brushed lips lightly. I blushed and he giggled breathily. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer as we eventually locked lips. He smiled lightly into the kiss and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me flush to his chest. He leaned me down into a dip and smiled even more into the kiss. I held onto him and giggled a but. Aiden lifted me back up and pulled away from me, resting his forehead on mine.
“There we go, two handsome men in love.” The man smiled and clapped for us as I buried my head into Aiden’s neck, embarrassed for myself and Aiden.
“I wouldn’t say in love just yet. This is only our first date ever.” Aiden confessed to the stranger in the park.
“Well I hope this date went well and that there are more in the future.” I smiled and hid my face in Aiden’s chest, glowing red.
“This date went pretty well, so maybe I’ll let him ask me out again.” I looked up and winked at Aiden.
“That would be such an honor to take you out again. I hope I gain the courage to do so again.” Aiden flushed and looked at me lightly.
“Maybe I’ll ask you for once, for a second date maybe?” I asked and looked at Aiden shyly. He nodded and looked back at me. He handed the singer in the park a twenty dollar bill and smiled.
“Where do you normally play, sir?” Aiden smiled genuinely and giggled at the thought of coming back here, I guess.
“I play here every weekend in hopes of serenading cute couples like you and to make a bit of cash to help support me and my young son. I don’t make much money washing dishes in the back of a pizzeria. Which is also where we, me and my son, squat since I got evicted from our apartment complex. I kind of let my druggie girlfriend, and the mother of my son, stay there and she ended up bringing a whole bunch of cocaine and shit into the building.”
“Why don’t you and your son come stay with me, at least for the winter.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
It is Veterans Day in America and Remembrance day in Canada, so thank a person who has served because they have probably gone through so messed up shit, especially the older veterans. If you do not know of someone who has served or seen someone around in their military garb, remember those who have fallen. I mean, that’s what the day is about. So, a huge thank you to my grandfather who served in Panama, I think that’s the right place but I’ll ask him, in the Vietnam war.
Also, happy NaNo day eleven. Happy Eleven (Stranger Things) day as well. I am halfway done with my novel and will finish the rough (very rough) draft this month and edit December and January. So here’s a bit from yesterday and today: “Are there any good scary stories that you know of?” I asked as I tried to change the subject off of our father.
“No, I really just want to get home tonight. It’s been a really long day. With your party and the birth of our niece. I just want to go home and crash on the couch.” He rubbed his eyes lightly and looked at the road, his eyes flickering from the road only slightly.
“And sleep in your clothes?” I asked finishing the lyric from the My Chemical Romance song. My brother chuckled and looked at me.
“Yes, I think I might just sleep in my clothes. I am so tired.” My brother blinked and slammed on the brakes, screaming at the top of his lungs.I had never heard my brother scream before in my life, not even during high school.
“What the hell dude? What the fuck did you see?” My head whipped between my brother and the road. I tried to see what he was seeing, but it was pitch black outside.
He lifted a shaking hand and pointed to the middle of the road. I followed his shaking finger and looked at where it was pointing. A large winged creature stood on all fours. It had red, glowing eyes. A snarl almost seemed to be painted onto its face. It had a chain around its neck leading down to a lady in all white. Her black, waist length hair covered any facial features we could have used to make her out. Her dress was dingy and more of a yellowed color than white. She was shorter than the all, winged demon. Of course, it seemed like we weren’t supposed to see her or her friend. She sat in the middle of the road, unmoving. She slowly lifted her head and looked at us. Her eyes were dead and hollow. There was nothing but black against her pale skin. She dropped open her mouth and her jaw detached, dropping beneath her in the middle of the road. An unearthly scream echoed and bounced off of the trees.
I hit my brother’s chest repeatedly as I tried to get my brother out of hs trance, panicking just a little bit, “Go, go, go! Dude we got to!”
My brother blinked a few times, waking up to the pain he probably felt in his chest as my hands were already stinging. He stepped on the gas pedal, his fingers turning white from his grip. I held onto my seat as he accelerated backwards. He made a quick u-turn and flew away from the woman and her pet. We stole a few glances into the rear view mirror. The woman and her pet were following us at brakeneck speed. I don’t even think those speeds were humanly possible. It wasn’t even Halloween. It wasn’t even October. It was freaking August for crying out loud. My brother turned on the radio and scanned through the white noise.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I hope you had a great NaNo day twelve. Here’s an excerpt from the day: I moved around the filled restaurant happily. I sung lightly and moved around the place, hoping that no one would hear me. I moved around and kept my head down. I never looked at the parents or the kids. The parents were the worst and threw insults at me if I even looked at them. They were white, upper middle class people who thought they were above people who worked jobs like mine. They thought that I was just as worthless as the trash I swept up. Their kids were just as bad. They were worse sometimes. They had no filter between their brain and their mouth. I hated being thrown insults and I just sang to myself to get through the day.
“Woman, over here please. Clean up this mess.” A booming male voice cried out. I kept sweeping because I knew it wasn’t for me. Everyone could plainly tell I was a male by just appearance alone. Though I could look like a super butch lesbian if you squinted. But I didn’t turn towards the voice anyways.
“I am talking to you, miss. The one who’s been singing her entire shift.” I straightened and turned towards the voice.
A large man with a beer belly and a gray suit looked at me. His eyes were barely visible through his fat. He had a large, grey handlebar mustache. He beckoned me towards him. There was a child with him. The child looked bored and wore a similar suit to what I could assume was his father or grandfather. The child looked like he was in his early teens, though. Not the kind of demographic our restaurant served, but whatever. Money was money and there was nothing I could complain about. I walked with my head down. I turned and looked at the man with my head still down. I turned and looked at my manager, who nodded.
“How might I help you, sir?” I asked, knowing that there was a mess I had to clean up but I still had to ask anyways.
“Well, you see there is a mess, first off. If you could, can you please clean it up?” I nodded and began to clean up the mess on the table.
“Anything else I can help you with, sir? Or can I get your waitress so she can bring the check, if you’re done?” I asked with my eyes down, looking at the worn floor.
“I heard you singing and I want to offer you a recording contract at my record company. You have raw talent and I will make sure you only receive the finest.”
“Look, I’m in a band and I really think we’re going far. I don’t want to abandon them for a solo career. But thank you for the offer.” I smiled and tried to turn away but the man grabbed my wrist, pulling me back towards him.
“I’ll let your band in as well and you don’t have to tell them about your little solo act. We’ll hire an actress to play the part of you in public and during concerts. She’ll lip-sync to your voice and be like you, only you get to live off your fancy band. It’s a good deal and we’ll make sure your little band becomes more famous than Lady Gaga,” He propositioned. “Now what kind of music does this band of yours play?”
“A little bit of rock, a little bit of metal and we are known to get a bit Satanic at times, though not often.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day thirteen and we are almost halfway there. Here’s my excerpt: I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car, closing the door as carefully as I could. Thomas followed and walked towards the front of the car as I did the same. He extended a long limb towards me and I took his hand. I smiled once more and looked at him. His eyes were softer now and looked at me with nothing but adoration. His lips pulled into a smile as he took me inside the fancy joint. I turned around in a soft circle taking in the lovely place. He was once again showing off how much out of my league he was.
The joint was covered in a red velvet sort of wallpaper with gold accents. I smiled lightly and watched as women danced with their dates. Women giggled and men wooed their dates. Some women wore flapper dresses and others wore dresses from the forties. A few men danced with other men. Some women danced with other women. Drinks flowed and offered giggles towards the atmosphere. Men sat back and watched some women dance seductively in front of them. They sipped on their drinks and licked their lips. Some women did the same and watched their dancers. Jazz music flowed through the air and glasses clinked against each other. Waiters weaved through the crowd and through the dance floor. There was a live band standing on a small stage with red curtains and a huge wooden dance floor in the middle of the room. It was like we had stepped back in time.
Thomas extended a hand towards me, stepping in front of my view. I smiled and took it in my hand. I giggled as he pulled me towards the middle of the dance floor. The music slowed down as Thomas pulled me close to him. A hand was placed on my waist and another lifted my arm up. I smiled lightly as I was pulled even closer to the man. He swayed us lightly, moving us around the dance floor. Some people cleared off it and went to refresh themselves with food and drink. Only a few couples, including us, stayed planted right where we were. Thomas’ hand stayed respectfully above my hip bone, resting on the small of my back. I rested my ear on his chest and heard the light thumping of his heartbeat. He pulled me close and rested his chin atop my head.
“When you get thirsty or hungry, just tell me. I’ll make sure you get enough food.” Thomas leaned down and rested his head on my shoulder.
“You don’t have to take care of me, Thomas. I can always eat at home.” I forced a smile as I pulled back, looking into my date’s eyes.
“Are you sure you’re going to eat once you get home?” Thomas lifted my chin of my now dropped head as we stopped in the middle of the dance floor. I shook my head and looked into his soft eyes. He kissed my forehead and began to dance with me once again.
We moved for a few more songs before my stomach grumbled loudly. Thomas took me off of the dance floor, setting me into an empty booth away from the others. A waiter left some menus on out table, promising to come back after a while. I pulled a menu into my lap and looked at it. I looked at it and over the fancy items. My hands shook as I looked at the prices. Most of these items were worth a good day’s pay at my job. Thomas scooted over and sat next to me, wrapping an arm around me. He dropped his head and placed his lips next to my ear.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day fourteen. Here’s my excerpt from the day: “Look, I don’t think a demo is a good idea Jamie. Doesn’t the dude seem a little sketch after he just spewed out some slurs after you revealed that you were trans?” Justin, one of the twin guitarists asked as he looked at me.
“I think it’s a fucking great idea and we should head out tomorrow. The industry is a lot worse than a few slurs.” Amy, our lead singer, piped up and looked over at me.
“What? Like sexual assault? I don’t think that any of us wants to risk getting groped or worse, raped. I’m not about to do anything that puts in danger.” Jacob, the sensible one of us, looked between the four of us.
“Oh, like we’re just going to make sure our career tank like other bands in this fucking town?” Jason, the third brother and the older one of Jacob and Justin, asked. I turned and looked over at him, the drummer tapped his sticks on his thighs.
“We could just go into the studio a bit speculative. Just look around and make sure we get the best out of it. Put our foot in the door.”
“That’s what Thomas said last night.” I blushed a bit as I looked over at the drummer. He smiled looking at me with a light blush creeping to his cheeks.
“Who’s Thomas?” Amy asked, crossing her arms in front of her as she gave me a once over. All relationships had to go through her and the band unless they involved her specifically.
“He’s just a guy who I went out on a date with last night. He took me dancing and we went for burgers and milkshakes afterwords. He was really sweet and he cared for me. Thomas paid for the whole date. Even took me out for a joyride in a Jaguar.” I smiled as I looked over at the lead singer and she frowned lightly.
“I thought all relationships went through us and the band? That includes dates as well, or do we have to go over the rules again?” Amy snarled.
“Don’t date inside of the band, always be on time for band meetings and all relationships go through the band.” I growled, leaning back in the chair.
“Good, now let’s go back to the thought of going to that studio and the recording contract. Are you sure he’s just not using the band to get to me?” She flipped her platinum hair and smiled as she looked over at her various singing awards. My stomach flipped and I gropped onto it tightly as I tried to control it.
“No, I am sure he is not there to get to you. I know that because he noticed my singing at the restaurant and offered the contract to me, but then the band after I told him I was the bassist in one.” I went over the facts again quite sternly as I stood up from my seat so I could lean against the wall.
“Well, I’m sure he knows of me. I’m quite sure of them figuring out about how great my singing is. I have won many awards and most of them came with a recording contract. Though, I never took them because they didn’t include the band.” I looked over them and sighed as Amy boasted.
“Look, we got to go tomorrow and I have to meet up with Thomas soon.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day fifteen, we are halfway there and I hope you all are doing great. Here is my excerpt from the day and it’s pretty personal as it digs into trauma I have experienced. So, be nice in the comments: “Well, it started when I was six. I was at a birthday party and we were swimming in the birthday girl’s pool. I was the only one who could swim in the deep end, so I was all alone over there. So I was swimming over to the girls, who were all in a circle. There was one in the middle underwater. They said she wanted to see how long she could hold her breath. She hadn’t come up for air and it had been a few minutes. So, the mother of the birthday girl jumped in and pulled the little girl out. All attempts to revive her failed. The police came and...it goes black from there. That’s all my brain can allow me to remember. But that was my first experience with trauma. That alone probably gave me the first taste of PTSD or something of the sort. I blocked out the memory and I don’t really go near water anymore.” I whispered as Thomas pulled me close.
“That sounds horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that.” Thomas kissed my forehead and sighed.
“The next time I was pretty jarred was when my cousin died. He was in a four wheeler accident and I was pretty close to him. He was pretty fun to be around and no one complained when Blake came around. He was a fun older cousin and he died too soon. I think he was eleven at the time, I don’t know. That area is blacked out. All I can see now, when I look back is the house of some other cousins and a flash of the funeral. It’s like looking at pictures. My entire life up until at least ten had, and still has, to be filled in by my family. It’s like looking at your life through a lens. All I see is glimpses and flashes of what my childhood was. I guess that’s why sometimes, only when I am deeply in distress, I age regress to an age near the trauma.” I continued as I looked at the man.
“You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to. I shouldn’t have asked you to relieve such trauma.”
“I don’t mind it at all. I should talk to someone about this. Though, I have a severe disdain for the medical community as a whole.” I whispered as I looked at the man. He nodded and looked at me once more.
“Than I shall let you continue for the process of healing purposes.” He held me a bit tighter and looked at me.
“My first third person experience with trauma was when there was a shooting threat my freshman year of high school. I don’t know how many times that happened that year, but I remember the one. We were locked down for two whole hours. The school never gave any updates to the students. But there was a gun or a weapon in the high school. The second experience was when a student got mad. He had some anger issues and said he wished a teacher’s baby would die. A classmate called him ugly and he went off. He pushed a desk towards the other and the two girls at the table flew back. It didn’t make it too far, so he chucked a metal stapler towards the man who called him ugly. It missed and shattered beneath my feet. Staples flew everywhere and the teacher locked the man out of the room. He said not to let the stapler thrower back into the room. He came back and banged on the door, almost breaking it. The classmates in the room looked back on it fondly. We laughed about it later as we talked about how fucked up our lives were.” I chuckled and took another drag of the joint.
“That was just freshman year? That sounds really fucked up. It sounds more like a movie than a real high school.” Thomas pulled me even closer and I sighed lightly.
“Yeah. Sophomore year we had a bomb threat, a clown threat and a shooting threat. The bomb was after the shooting threat which was almost the same as the year before. The bomb was different though. My friends and I just got back from a field trip and headed to lunch. It was a short day already due to teacher meetings. So we were enjoying ourselves and talking about the day. It was all fine and dandy until a whole bunch of students rushed towards a single spot, the stairs out of the school. My friends and I thought it was a fight and kept eating. It wasn’t until I went over to ask a friend, who was also unaware of the real threat, what was happening. That’s when a security guard rushed over to us. He yelled at us to get out and that there was a bomb in the school. So I went back over to my friends, picked up my stuff and calmly said ‘there is a bomb in the school and we need to get out’. So we went to the Target parking lot, which was underneath a whole bunch of other levels and not really a good idea, to wait on rides home. My friend Kyle took me, Ryan and five others home in his tiny car. There was even a kid in the trunk. But after that, came the clown. The school was checking bags and people talked about how a clown threatened to shoot up the school on Twitter. By the way, checking bags does not work. People were passing their bags into the auditorium through the windows. But I left as soon as I heard that it was a clown. I had nothing to hide in my bag except for late homework. But I hate clowns so I fucking left.”
“That was one hell of a sophmore year.” Tears stung my eyes as I looked at the ceiling, nodding slightly.
“All three happened within a few weeks of each other. There was also a man the summer between freshman and sophomore year checking out the girls soccer team as we worked out. But junior year was a lot more fucked up than I thought it was going to be. Sophomore year, a girl got raped by two students of the school. The school didn’t do anything and the police didn’t either. She transferred out halfway through the school year. The summer before our junior year, she got drunk and stepped out into ongoing traffic. The friends who were with her witnessed her death. Another kid committed suicide on my sis-a family member’s birthday. He was always the kid who made others happy. No one had a bad thing to say about him. He was a good man and we all knew it. He was found in his backyard on a Sunday. Though, apparently he had a bad home life. His step-father wasn’t the best person and I never really knew the details. All I wanted was to move on with my life but his birthday was two months later. He never got a seventeenth birthday or a graduation or anything. My friend and sunlight died that day and so did my will to live. He is...was a junior like me at the time. We decorated his locker and the administration just kept painting over it and over and over and over.” I turned and took another drag as I looked over at him.
“That is a lot for one person to deal with, directly or indirectly. It doesn’t seem right for all that pain to be borne by one person or a single graduating class.” Thomas looked over at me and sighed. Tears flowed out of my eyes creating rivers on my cheeks.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day 16 and here is my writing from the day: A hand wrapped around my mouth and yanked me backwards. My back hit the back of the bench and gave a light crack as my ribcage caught onto the rail of the bench. I struggled, but a beefy arm wrapped around my neck, strangling me. A foot found its way in between my legs, spreading them open. Spots danced in my eyes as I heard Aiden call out to me, but it was too late. The person dragged me into a van and speed off. I groaned and looked at my hands. A blindfold was slipped over my eyes and a bind over my hands. My legs were spread open once again and looked around wildly even if I couldn’t see. My head bumped against the cool metal of the van. A numbing pulse went through my ears as I looked around once more, trying to hear, but not making out any sounds for the time being. Not even the rumbling of the engine or the tires on the van even though I could feel it moving, there were no tell tale signs, hearing wise, that it was moving. He must have knocked out whatever was holding the swelling in my brain, near my ears which caused deafness in my early childhood. I turned and looked over at the shadows next to me. My hands moved fast as I tried to sign basic information about myself, but my hands were too close together to even sign what my name was. I teared up lightly and whined.
“Dude, stop, untie his hands. I think he’s trying to sign to us. We must’ve knocked out his hearing or something. Maybe he’s mute and he won’t speak.” A deep voice came through the underwater feeling of my hearing.
“Do you fucking know sign language or some shit?” Another mumbling voice came through as I looked over at the voice.
“Yeah, I do know sign language though and we need to uncover his eyes and untie his hands. The collector needs his name so we can get paid.”
Light filled my eyes as I turned towards both of the voices. My hands flew around as a man in a Frankenstein mask tried to calm me down. I wanted to leave and I wanted to fight back. He grabbed my hands and I looked over at him. He gave me the sign to calm down and I did. He pulled off the mask just enough for me to read his lips. I looked over at him and sighed lightly as he cut off the ties around my hands. A smile played on his lips as he looked at me. I turned and rubbed my wrists as I looked over at him. I turned and looked over at the second man on the room. He wore a Michael Myers mask with the eyes cut out. This man was dark and brooding and didn’t seem to want to talk much.
“My name is Jamie Alexander Hudson and I am eighteen years old. My body does not mean much to anyone, not even me. I don’t think you can use me for parts or anything. It’s all broken and shit. I am a senior in highschool and I am months away from graduation. I am transgender and I do not know why I am here. I am do not have any ransom money and my family is poor. My mom and dad are dead. My sister is estranged from me and my brother. My uncle tours the room and is very absent. I am in a band and I am a bassist. My hearing is very close to me. I was deaf as a child due to an inoperable brain tumor. The doctors were able to push the tumor far back enough to repair at least eighty-five percent of my hearing. I think knocking my head finally popped the tumor loose enough to knock me down to twenty-five.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

11/17/17
Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day seventeen and here’s my excerpt: I opened the box and felt around it. It was full of matches and a smile light up my face. I pulled out a match and struck it on the rough side. It flickered to life and I could see the room I was in. I rushed over to the oil lamp in the far corner and light it before the match went out. The room light up even more and I smiled to myself. There was a small straw bed with a thin sheet and an even thinner pillow. I looked over at the other side and a child-like drawing was painted in what looked like soot. It was a tall, thin shadow man with white, vertical eyes. There was a human shaped figure within the ceiling to floor drawing. It was a woman with black eyes, contrasting to the white eyes of the demon.
I reached up and touched the body of the woman lightly. Her body was all white and just an outline in the shadow man’s figure. I turned around and looked around the room. I turned around and looked at painting. It was large enough to take up a third of the wall. I turned and looked at the other wall with a similar painting. Only this time the shadow man was white and in the woman, who was painted in the black soot. I turned to the wall with the door and it was almost like an archaic story being told on it. It was a bit worn down, but I could make out most of it. I walked closer towards it and looked at the pictures decorating the walls.
It seemed to tell the story of a woman outcast from her family or maybe taken here for some sort of treatment. Either way, she did not want to be here at all. She seemed to have been forced here by someone she trusted. A teacher, parents or a guardian. I had no idea but she seemed to not wanted to be here. A shadow obscured the comic for a split second and I turned over. I turned and looked back at her paintings. I shook my head and sighed as I tried to figure out the paintings. There was nothing else to decipher as I couldn’t see all that well in the candlelight. I knew it must be reaching dawn or at least late in the night. Sleeping would be best, but without my brother here, I didn’t know how I would be able to handle the night terrors. Maybe I just wouldn’t go to sleep and I could just stay up the rest of the night or whatever time it was. I would just have to wait it out and see what would happen. I turned once more and walked over to the bed. The room wasn’t that big at all. It was just small enough to give a bit of walking room and a double bed. It was just like a bedroom in a way.
I rested my head on the pillow and looked up at the painting across from me. It seemed to have eyes or at least sentiance. It was almost looking at me and examining me from afar. Like it was taking in all of my features and analyzing me like a test subject. That I was much more than a human being. Or at least, more like a test rat. Either way, I couldn’t tell what was better through those white eyes. The woman’s black eyes looked at me all the same. Though, she wasn’t as menencing. It was like she understood my pain and was the moral center of the dark being. That eventually she turned into the dark figure and let it consume her. Let the evil finally consume her. Maybe that is what the second painting was all about. She had finally transformed into the evil she had seen looming over her. The darkness then turning into what she had once been. Either way, there needed to be a balance between the two. There needed to be darkness and light. Without either, the woman would collapse. She would no longer be human and she was probably trying to keep some humanity. Or maybe she was just a monster.
Love,
Unknown
11/18/17
Dear reader,
You know the drill: “Wait, I think I know you. We were just like me…” I whispered as I watched the Fenris wolf move around me.
“Of course I am just like you. I am you, only I am you in the future. I remember all of your traumas and all of your bad memories. But I can’t remember our own name. What is our name again?” The voice asked as Fenris looked down at me.
“Our name is Jamie Maddison. We are Jamie Maddison.” I whispered at the wolf above me as he sat down on his haunches.
“No, no that is not what our name is. I don’t know what it is but it is not Jamie.” I turned and looked down.
“I don’t know what else to tell you. I am Jamie Maddison and that has been my name my entire life.” I looked back up at him.
“Our name Is Loki. Our name is Loki.” Fenris looked over at me and looked back at the painting it was growling at.
“I don’t think that is what our name is, Fenris. I think I would know my name. I don’t think I had any other name before.” I looked up at the wolf and sighed.
“No, that is our name. Why would I appear to you as one of Loki’s children if I didn’t know what your name is. I am here to tell you to get out. These people take descendants, or in your case Gods, of Norse gods and experiment on them. You have been here six or seven times before, my father.” Fenris stood back up and looked down at me.
“I don’t think I was ever here before Fenris and I am not your father. I am going crazy and this is an illusion, a figment of my imagination.” I turned and looked at him lightly.
“You are Loki, the god of mischief and tricks. I can be whatever you want me to be. I can be my sister, Hel or I could be Odin. What do you want to be like?” I turned and looked at the wolf, trying to scrub this from my mind.
“I want to be sane again. It’s been a few hours since I was taken. I want to be sane again and I don’t want to be in here.”
“Which is why I am here to talk to you through the other experiences you had. The previous incarnations were housed in here. I have seen the first Loki to you, now. I know who painted me and I know why I am here. Those blackouts are you not remembering what your past lives have done. They were killed in here and I had to watch. I had to watch as your heart of gold was ripped out time and time again.” Fenris looked over at the other paintings in the room. My chest heaved as I looked at him.
“I am not a god and you are not real. I am hallucinating because of the PTSD. I am just hallucinating and that’s all of it. You are an illusion.” I looked at the wolf once more as I tried to shake him out of my head.
“I am very real and you created me a long time ago. Much longer than you can think back and that man, the drummer and Thomas, was supposed to protect you. They clearly didn’t do a good job. The drummer did a better job than Thomas. Thomas just fucked you and tried to charm you afterwards.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Normal NaNo drill: “I might have been a painting but you brought me back to life. The first Loki here painted me but wasn’t strong enough to bring me to life. Neither were the rest of the Lokis who came through here. You are the first one to have brought me to life which proves that you are more powerful than the other incarnations that have moved through here. I am now meant to move you out of here and get any other gods trapped in here. But that might take awhile as I have no idea how long it will take for the others to get to you and how long it will take you to beef up that magic you have. But I guess it might take a bit less than how long it will take the others to get to you as you seem pretty strong already.” Fenris lifted his head lightly and placed it on my shoulder as I pet his head lightly.
“I don’t understand any of this. I am not supposed to be here. I am not a god and I do not have any powers. I am just a normal guy who was supposed to end up in a band. We had an offer on the table and everything. I was supposed to go somewhere. I was supposed to be someone. My brother put all his faith in me. I could have gotten into Harvard if I had tried hard enough in high school. I was going to be this big time man with my name in shining lights.” I turned and looked at the wolf on my shoulder.
“You must have a lot of questions and I am sorry for dumping all of this on you all at once. Whatever you want to ask, please ask it.” Fenris looked at me as he pulled his head back to look at me.
“Why would I be in here other than having a god stuck inside me? Are there others like me? What happens if my captors come back for me? Who is the collector and what do they want with me? How long has this been running?” I kept petting the wolf as the frantic questions spilled out of my mouth.
“You could be in here if you showed some special abilities that are not from a god. Normally these are shapeshifters and elementals. They are experimented on to see if they can be turned into gods or demigods. The rest are gods or descendants, as I have stated before. There are others like you and they are being experimented on or running away from these people. They are able to hunt and track these gods with lethal accuracy. Your captors will not come back for you as they were shot immediately after they captured you. The collector is the person behind all of this. They are the one trying to extract the powers from the gods. They want immortal life or whatever powers they might want to possess. Though, I’m sure they might also be building an army from gods and demigods. So I’m guessing they might use you to extract your powers, or at least Loki, from you. This place has been running ever since I was created around fifteen years ago. So maybe longer than that, I’m guessing.” Fenris looked at me, standing up, and walked over to the bed, laying down in one swift motion.
“What would I need to do to make sure I don’t end up like the others before me?” I turned my neck to look at the wolf behind me.
“I don’t know what they might give you. All I know is that they try and test you for your powers. See what you can do with your magic. Each task that has killed the others has been different up until now. I don’t know what they’ll give you.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader.
New vocabulary list for this week. Nomination campaign - Phase of a political campaign aimed at winning a primary election. General election campaign - Phase of a political campaign aimed at winning election to office. Campaign manager - The individual who travels with the candidate and coordinates the campaign. Finance chair - The individual who coordinates the financial business of the campaign. Communications director - The person who develops the overall media strategy for the candidate. Press secretary - The individual charged with interacting and communicating with journalists on a daily basis. Campaign consultant - A private-sector professional who sells to a candidate the technologies, services, and strategies required to get their candidate elected. Pollster - A campaign consultant who conducts public opinion surveys. Voter canvas - The process by which a campaign reaches individual voters either by door to door solicitation or by telephone. Get-out-the-vote (GOTV) - A push at the end of a political campaign to encourage supporters to go to the polls. Political action committees (PACs) - Officially recognized fund-raising organization that represent interest groups and are allowed by federal law to make contributions directly to candidates campaigns. 527 political committee - Organization created with the primary purpose of influencing electoral outcomes; the term is typically applied only to freestanding interest groups that do not explicitly advocate for the election of a candidate. 501(c) group - Interest groups whose primary purpose is not electoral politics. Super PACs - Political action committees established to make independent expenditures. Independent expenditures - Spending for campaign activity that is not coordinated with a candidate’s campaign. Public funds - Donations from general tax revenues to the campaigns of qualifying presidential candidates. Matching funds - Donations to presidential campaigns whereby every dollar raised from individuals in amounts less than $251 is matched by the federal treasury. Positive ad - Advertising on behalf of a candidate that stresses the candidates qualifications, family, and issue positions, with no direct reference to the opponent. Negative ad - Advertising on behalf of a candidate that attacks the opponent’s character or platform. Contrast ad - Ad that compares the records and proposals of the candidates, with a bias toward the candidates, with a bias toward the candidate sponsoring the ad . Inoculation ad - Advertising that attempts to counteract an anticipated attack from the opposition before the attack is launched.
And a small excerpt: “Good morning, love.” The soft voice nodded me awake as light spilled into the room. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, stretching my sore limbs.
“How did the light get in here? I thought there were no windows in here?” I looked around the now sunlight filled room.
“There is not natural light in here. The room just gets filled with light through a magic system put in place that reflects what is happening outside.” Fenris sat up and looked at me as I stood, straightening my clothes.
There was a dresser that I hadn’t noticed before and I walked towards it. I pulled open one drawer and looked at the clothes that faced me. It was a bunch of old band tee shirts. Most were ripped with holes in them. Other were a worn leather kind of material.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
My friend suggested to write a ‘remember this’ list because I tend to forget/have a blackout from a traumatic experience. So incase I forget my own fucking self for a bit and/or dissociate and need to ground myself. To remember:
-Your birthday is February 21
-You are currently 16 years old at the time of writing this
-Your friend died when you were in kindergarten, you don’t remember much of it but it happened
-Your cousin died around the same time, his name is Blake
-You went to Saint Anne’s for kindergarten
-First through fourth grade was at Noble
-Fifth grade was at Boulevard
-Sixth through eighth grade was spent at Monticello
-You have friends and sometimes you forget that
-You are able to be loved
-You are not a monster
-You don’t remember much of your childhood and that’s okay
-You are trans and you are not faking it
-Your body is a good body
-A lot of your friends are older than you, don’t freak out
-You have PTSD and that is okay
-Your mom was neglectful and you are not worse off for it
-Your dad bullies you and you made it out alive
-Your cat’s names are Minnie and Dakota
-Dakota is the one with the white fur
-There was a shooting threat at your high school
-That was freshman year
-There was a bomb threat, shooting threat, clown threat and a rape.
-That was sophomore year
-The person who got raped killed herself the summer before your junior year, she jumped in front of a car after she got drunk in front of her friends
-Her friends witnessed her death
-A friend of yours was found in his backyard after he killed himself, you think he hung himself
-That was on October 1st, 2017
-You didn’t go to his funeral, but you brought the ‘It Can’t Hurt You’ bracelet from Ben Bruce’s line on Never Take It Off, as of writing this it is on your ankle
-You will be okay and this can not hurt you
-You also have an eating disorder, depression and anxiety
-You are loved
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Excerpt tonight again, with family and I am in love with it: I woke up from my dreams, my eyes drifting to the top of the box that I was trapped in. I shifted and looked down at my itchy hospital outfit. The triple extra small barely fit me. I was too thin and wiry to fit into most anything anymore. I didn’t intend to become this skinny. It just happened slowly until one day my parents put me in this rehab facility until I was healthy enough to be out in the world on my own. I have been in and out of here for two years now. The only person who has been here longer is my friend, Ashley who lived on the other side of the facility which was dedicated to alcoholics. He had been in and out of this facility for six or seven years and most doctors thought he probably wouldn’t make it.
I found myself thinking of Ashley a lot of these sleepless nights when I would have nerves or nightmares. He was my calming thoughts and my good dreams. He was my whole reason for smiling. For actually wanting to get out of this hellhole that is this rehab center. Ashley was my whole reason for trying to keep control of my disordered thoughts.To work harder in group therapy. To make sure I felt like a normal human being. Or at least get as close as possible. I am not what society deems “normal” as I am not neurotypical. I can’t “choose” to be happy or just “force the food down” or “just eat”, everything is a struggle.
I walked over to my desk and picked up the nub of the pencil that was next to my hand. The chair was this weird plastic and wood mix. I had no idea what was that about. Maybe it was so the really suicidal ones out of us. Though that is on another floor to be honest. We could use the real chairs down here in the ED unit, thank you very much. I wish I had something more to say. Every word that dripped out of my mouth seemed so unoriginal and terrible. I was so clumsy with words and I felt too much.
I looked across the courtyard and saw that the light for the common room was on. A man with dark brown, shoulder length hair sat at the piano. He was hunched over the keys, his nightgown and robe hanging open, and playing. I smiled and looked down as I imagined his brow furrowed and his amber brown eyes bloodshot from withdrawal. Yet, his smile held so much truth to it. Plus, he always told the truth and I honored him for that. But he kept his truth hidden, a poker face.
I love Ashley Purdy so much that sometimes I think about him more often now than I do on my own recovery. Like how we’d go home and watch television or movies together. We’d go to events together like carnivals and festivals. We’d go on dates like to the movies or shopping. We’d share our deepest, darkest secrets in the dead of night when we can’t sleep. We’d hug each other like there was no tomorrow. We’d share our drinks and be that one couple to share a milkshake in a diner. When we are apart we’d share phone calls. Maybe sometimes we’d just sit for hours on end talking. We’d either hug or cuddle with our noses touching. I would love to spend hours cuddling with the former bassist. I may even love to have philosophical discussions with Ashley. I want to have hand holding sessions with him, feeling the calluses on his hand press into mine.
I want to share jokes with him, share food and share smiles with him.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Here is my excerpt: “So my son has finally come to see me?” A disembodied puff of pitch black smoke moved around me.
“Your son has come to kill you. You can not keep these humans in fear anymore.” I spoke as I looked at the smoke which had now grown red glowing eyes.
“But what will happen if I leave? There will be anarchy. These people need a leader. They need me.”
“We do not need you. What we need is freedom, father.” The smoke hovered in front of my face and seemed to smirk at me.
“They don’t need freedom. Freedom is what got them here. What they need is some control.” My chest puffed out and a smile grew on my face.
“We don’t need control. They don’t need control. Leave this world alone father. We do not need you.”
“Yes, they need me so much. They need chaos to survive. Not order, but chaos.” I growled lightly.
“They need order, father. They need you gone. They need free choice again. Humans need that choice. We all need the free choice. You had free choice once. I had free choice once and you took it away.”
“I took nothing away. I only gave you freedom. I gave all of you freedom.” He sneered as I puffed my chest out a bit.
“You didn’t give us freedom, father. You are not what we need. We need our lives back.” I circled the smoke as he circled me.
“I gave you life, my son. You are my flesh and blood. You have me inside of you. Your prophecy will be fulfilled.”
“I have no prophecy. I am my own person. I do not have a prophecy of any sort. I do not need to be controlled by the destiny of the stars. I am not meant to be controlled by your words.”
“You have a prophecy and you know that. Everyone has a prophecy. Even I have, or rather had, a prophecy.”
Don’t become like your father. Don’t be like your father. You are not your father and you will never be like your father.
“We do not abide by those rules anymore, father. We are a free people, able to choose between right and wrong. Ever since modern society came about, we stopped believing in right and wrong, black and white. We moved away from that way of thinking.”
“No, it was not what that was meant to be. We were not created to be like that.” I moved closer to my father.
“I don’t care about you or your fate. I care about the fate of the humans. They’re meant to die. They’re meant to be under my rule. They shouldn’t be resisting my rule.”
“They should be because they are scared of you. You are the epitome of evil. You are the fallen angel people talk about. People fight back when they are fearful.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I won NaNo this year and here is an excerpt from my new project: My feet thudded on the ground as I looked around the strange new world. There was no one around and I seemed to be the only one in the forest. My people needed me to scout this new world for other signs of life and yet I could see none. The air was breathable and there was some plant life. But yet, I heard no rustling of animals. Not even with my superhuman hearing, could I detect a single life form. It was eerily quiet for a planet that was supposed to be filled with lifeforms. My father could have easily been wrong, but I was determined to find life. So, I walked onward with my longsword dragging on the ground behind me.
I walked on for a few miles as the leaves crunched beneath my feet. I kept moving for what seem liked forever. There was nothing behind me and I had no idea which way was which. I turned around lightly and tried to find the right direction, north. But without the sun or suns in the sky, I had no idea where I was. It was midnight and the moon was straight up in the sky. I would have to wait at least another hour before anything would happen. Only then would I be able to tell what direction I was going to head in. I had no time to waste though, so I headed onwards as I looked ahead.
Finally I was able to get out of the forest and stumbled upon a small cabin in the woods. I turned and looked around. There were no other houses around. There could be other houses but they could be miles away. A breeze flew through the forest and a chill touched my wound. I hissed in pain and moved away from the breeze. My hand wrapped over the gash and tried to keep it from the cold. There was a light on in the cabin, so maybe someone was home. Someone that could help me with my injuries. I headed towards the cabin and knocked on the wooden door.
A few moments passed before I knocked again. Then another few moments passed and I did the same thing again. This time someone walked up and answered the door. A man stood and looked at me, a warm smile appearing on his face. I smiled back and blushed a bit as he looked over me. His eyes looked down and turned to confusion as he looked at my outfit. Which I guess was a bit out of place for this world. He wore a pair of large grey sweatpants and a matching hoodie. The hood was pulled over his head and his eyes were covered slightly. He was not much older than what I appeared to be which must be late teens to early twenties.
“Halloween was yesterday, bro.” The man chuckled and looked over at me once more as he smiled. I looked at him slightly, my brow furrowed and tilted my head slightly.
“I do not know of this holiday that you call ‘halloween’ but we do have something similar back home.” The man tilted his head and shook it a bit, stepping aside and gesturing for me to come inside.
“You must’ve taken something real strong buddy. Did you take any drugs last night? Drink anything you shouldn’t have? You should get inside man, sleep off some of whatever you took. It’s too cold outside for you to be out there all night.” He asked as I looked over at him. He moved into a room to the right of us. I walked in after him and smiled.
It was a warm room light by two lamps in adjacent corners of the room.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Happy NaNo day twenty-five. Excerpt time: I finished brushing my teeth and walked out of the bathroom. I headed into the room I had come out of and looked at the man on the couch. Tears filled his eyes and they were already bloodshot. His hands were shaking and he looked at me. He looked down quickly and avoided eye contact. I went over and sat down next to him. There was a cushion between us as we looked at each other. One hand tapped his knee as he looked at me. He looked over at me and looked back at his lap. We sat in silence other than the few sniffles that came from Joshua. His hoodie had been pulled back and his hands touched his short, dark hair. His brown eyes shot back at me and looked back down. I turned and looked back at him as he sighed.
“If you head the conversation with my grandmother and I, you have to promise me that you will forget it. You were not meant to hear that. She was just being a senile old woman.” He whispered as I looked at me.
“Of course, I didn’t hear it anyways.” I shrugged and looked back at him. He nodded and looked down at his lap. I nodded and looked at him.
“My grandmother is pretty crazy, but she’s a good person with a great heart.” Joshua smiled and giggled lightly as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
“She seems like one.” I smiled and looked at the television, wanting to see what these Midgardians liked to watch.
“She is just an amazing person and she made sure I was raised right after my parents died in a car crash.”
“Oh, Thor told me that he had to save someone from a car crash once but this was just when cars were being first invented. It wasn’t really his job to do, but he was already walking around your fine planet when he witnessed the crash.” I smiled and looked over at him lightly.
“You’re a little weird, you know that right? Those drugs must have a really long life. I want whatever you are on.” Joshua smiled and looked at me lightly.
“I am not on any drugs, I swear on Odin that I am not. I am completely sober. Even if I was on drugs, they would have no effect on me. My metabolism is much higher than the average Misgardian’s metabolism.” I turned and looked at Joshua. He nodded, reaching over to grab the remote off of the coffee table. He held it in his hands a bit before setting it back down next to the armor. His hand brushed against it and goosebumps appeared on his flesh.
“Was that really given to you by Odin? Was it really forged with the blood of Frost Giants and dragons, enemies you slain? Are you a really a Valkyrie from Asgard?” Joshua stared at the armor with blank eyes.
“Of course it was given to me by Odin. I told you both that before. It was gifted to all of us during a feast while we celebrated another victory over the Frost Giants. Of course, the blood it was forged from only came from dragons. Well, a singular dragon named Otho. He had enough iron in his blood to forge all of our armor. All of the Valkyries were gifted these and it is the last thing I have to remind me of my fallen sisters.” I smiled and looked at him. He looked back at me and dropped his eyes after I caught them.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
NaNo is almost done! Celebrate! I walked through the spacious hallways of the Asgardian palace. I smiled as my armor glinted in the candlelight. My footsteps echoed and they were the only ones I could hear. The servants had their feet enchanted by Loki so that they made no sound. My cape dragged on the ground as I tried to look for someone to take a walk with. The palace was so big and you could very easily hide if you wanted to. I turned and looked at the ornate hallways with glowing eyes. I was the only one of the Valkyries who was allowed into the palace without special permission. I turned as a shadow crossed my vision.
“Well, how is the only male Valkyrie in existence doing?” I turned and watched as a man stepped into my vision. I looked at the god of tricks and crossed my arms lightly.
“The honor is losing its specialty now that it has been said and celebrated for centuries. My decision to be a man wasn’t a decision at all. It was just that my parts didn’t match what my mind had been telling me this entire time.” I turned as I tried to avoid the piercing hazel eyes that looked over at me.
“But it is still very honorable of you and very brave. You could have continued to hide and yet you didn’t.” I turned once more and sighed a bit. Every time I tried to hide or avoid eye contact with the god, he moved into my vision. He was always in my vision whenever I was with him and there was no avoiding it.
“I couldn’t hide it because I was able to get the woman who had been harassing and blackmailing me for centuries kicked out of the Valkyrie regiment I was in. I couldn’t take it anymore and all of the harassment just couldn’t get to me anymore. That’s all I ever wanted and I had to come out to do it. Surprisingly I was able to keep my position. I was sure I was going to get kicked out because I was a man and the Valkyries are all women warriors. They didn’t care and they said they didn’t want to waste such a nice warrior with centuries of experience on their hands.” I turned and looked at him lightly. A smile creeped up on his face as he looked at me.
“It was very brave of you, but of course I already said that before. But it’s nice to know that there is another person like me out here on Asgard. It was so lonely and I always thought I wasn’t the only one. Well, could you pleasure me with a walk through the gardens?” He asked as I walked a bit ahead of him.
“I don’t know why you would want me to go with you. I don’t think I’m all that interesting.” I moved and looked at him from over my shoulder.
“Weren’t you already going to go to the gardens already?” He walked next to me and extended a hand towards me. I sighed, already knowing I was trapped. I took his hand and he lead me outside.
“Well, you got me there Loki.” I turned and held his hand lightly as his cold fingers intertwined with my own.
“I can not compare your handsomeness to the beauty of the gardens. It would be like comparing a sunset to the moonlight on a clear night.” Loki looked over me and smiled lightly.
“Your silvertongue will not work on me, Loki. I am stronger than the maidens you try to seduce.” I giggled and looked at the roses in front of me.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Four more days of NaNo! I jolted awake, a small shine of sweat covered my forehead. My heart pounded in my chest. A hand clasped onto where my heart was and tried to calm it down. I took a few deep breaths and sighed. My other hand was shaking violently. Tears stung at my eyes as I looked over to the bedside table. There sat a wonderful locket with a picture of me and my fallen love in it. I never took it off unless I had to sleep. Even then I dreaded taking off the wonderful necklace. It was all I had left of my boyfriend and fiance. I shouldn’t have taken it off on this foreign planet.
I stood and walked around the room. It was small and more homely than the spacious room I had back home. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a weirdo on this new planet. I was bulky and a bit chubby compared to even these Midgardians. I pulled and sat down on the bed. My hazel eyes glowed a deep amber orange as I shook away the thought. I couldn’t have my father coming in and breaking up everything. I could not have him spying on me now. Not when I was wearing Midgardian clothes. I would have to remind myself to check up on him as soon as I was out of these clothes.
I turned and tried to go back to sleep but Joshua walked in and I groaned. He walked over and looked at me. He turned and pulled the curtains open. I turned and rubbed my eyes a bit. The bright yellow sunlight burned my eyes. Midgardian nights were a little bit shorter than I expected. I turned and sighed, still rubbing my eyes a bit. Joshua turned away from the windows and looked at me. His hands were on his hips as he looked at me. I turned and looked at him lightly. He looked over at me and sighed a bit. I looked over him and he turned, sitting down at the foot of the bed.
“Good morning. What is your name, again? I don’t think gran and I caught it while we were talking it.” I groaned and looked at him before burying my head in the pillow.
“My name is...it is...what is it again?” I looked down and sighed a bit. I couldn’t remember the name I had before the Valkyrie. The name given to me on the day I was born. I shook my head and tried to remember what it was, but I didn’t know. I couldn’t find my own name amongst the name that the women had given me.
“So you can’t remember your own name?” He asked as he looked over me. I turned and looked at him. He nodded and looked at me.
“No, not that I can remember. I can not remember it all the name at all. I am such an idiot sometimes. Maybe my father wiped my memory of it.” I turned and looked at my hands lightly as I stood up.
“Well, my name is Joshua and my gran’s name is Ida. We both live here and I have to go to work in the afternoons to support the both of us. I work the night shift at the local hospital as a nurse.” I nodded and rummaged through the drawers, trying to find my armor.
“Did you see where I put my armor last night? I don’t know where I would have put it.” I turned and looked at Joshua. He shrugged and looked at his hands lightly as I walked around the room. He tilted his head and sighed a bit. I turned away and looked at my hands.
“I don’t know about that. Maybe it’s still on the coffee table where you put it?”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
We are almost done with NaNo! “You look gorgeous in the mornings, don’t you know that?” Loki asked as he took my hand as we walked through the library. I blushed and touched some of the spines.
“I do not think I am that gorgeous. I am just another normal Asgardian, Loki. I think we both know that.” I turned and looked at him as he looked down lightly, dropping my hand as I turned to pull a book off of the shelves.
“Well, you are to me and I do not know why you don’t see that in the mirror every morning. You are the most handsome one here, besides me of course.” Loki looked at me and sighed lightly as I flipped through the book.
“I really do not know why you want to make sure I know that I am so handsome in your eyes.” I turned and moved towards the tables between the rows of books.
“Well, I want to woo you and my mom has tasked me with wooing you and it seems like I am not doing that great of a job.” I turned and looked at him as he brushed his fingers over the back of the chair.
“You were tasked with wooing me by your mother, the queen of all the gods and Asgardians? Wow, thanks for letting me know.” I said sarcastically as I turned to look at the book in front of me.
“I definitely ruined the magic now and I was supposed to be good a magic. I’m sorry about that.” Loki sighed and sat down next to me lightly as I turned away from him, avoiding eye contact with him.
“Yes, yes you were supposed to be good with that and you were actually supposed to be really good at that.” I turned and kept reading the book in my lap. His hands crept over my shoulders and smiled lightly against my neck as he nuzzled into it.
“Maybe I can show you what kind of magic I can work on you?” I pushed him away and groaned a bit, my eyes still on the paper.
“Maybe you could just learn to disappear?” I asked disdainfully as I looked at my book lightly and closed it. I heard Loki get up and leave the library.
~
I walked back into the room and sighed lightly. My neck had knots in it. My hands were dry and cracking. My legs were not used to the weight on them just yet. My back screamed as I stood straight. My tailbone ached from sitting on it too long. I peeled off my clothing and looked at the bed. It was calling my name. I had spent hours of my life in the library and sighed as I turned and looked at the bed. I pulled on some silk pajamas and smiled lightly. They were really warm, but light as well. It was good for me since I didn’t like being weighed down by heavy clothing. I rubbed my neck and sat down on the bed, looking at the bedside table.
There were roses and other flowers from the gardens placed into a flower crown, much like the ones those stupid female Midgardian teens were infatuated with. I smiled and picked it up, the flowers turning into glass and jewels in a flutter of scents from the different flowers. A note written on a piece of parchment dropped from the crown and sat on my lap.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Two more days of NaNo and me being annoying. “All of the personifications of religion have met before. We were there acquainted before Earth was created but we never really interacted since. It’s mostly just the followers who tend to interact with us and, for better or for worse, with each other. I just am not a an of big religion. They tend to be a bit cocky and not what they tend to think they are.” I stood and looked between them, a new man entering the room.
He was small and slight. He wore big clothes, at least two sizes two big for them. Hazel eyes looked back at me. His hair was brown and barely touched his shoulders. The man moved towards me as a small smile greeted me. It was large and dopey, just like I remembered it. I smiled back as my body shortened back down to the height I was when I met Loki. I wasn’t always this big bad man with large stature and a rage for killing, or vengeance which I didn’t like to use all the time because I wasn’t angry about Loki’s death. I turned as his eyes went glossy as he looked at me. All the light and recognition in them dying almost as soon as we locked eyes. My heart shattered into pieces just slightly as I looked at the doppelganger of my fallen love as the eyes just stared at me blankly.
“Well, isn’t that just grand. The angry warrior from Asgard just got a bit less angry.” I turned and looked at the man who entered.
“Who’s that?” I asked, pointing to the Loki doppleganger. The other two men looked at the one who just entered, a blade appearing on my neck. I rolled my eyes and groaned, accepting my position in this triangle.
“Oh, we found him a few hours go on the side of the street. Has a few injuries we weren’t able to fix just yet because boy, was he hungrier than a stoner on April twentieth.” The taller man chuckled and the shorter brother chuckled, giving him a high five.
“Let me help him, I have reason to believe that he is an Asgardian. I can heal his injuries and he can be off with me. We’ll get out of your hair in the morning. Please just let me help him, he could help me figure out if this is a habitable planet for my people. I know that God has His hand on most of this world, but I am sure He will allow us to take refuge here. It is His way, if I remember my teachings well enough. ‘Love thy neighbor’ and all of that helping shit.” I chuckled nervously and struggled against Gabriel’s knife just slightly.
“Well, Dan and I could get you two set up in the spare room tonight. I’ll get the first aid kit and you can get some extra clothes, right Dan?” The taller of the two asked the shorter with a slight chuckle, smiling lightly as he ruffled the shorter hair of his brother who know had a name.
“Of course, David. I can go get the extra sheets.” Dan spat at his taller brother. The blade dropped from my neck and looked at the man in front of me. My love and the other half of my heart. Even Gabriel left the two of us alone, the fluttering of wings signaling his departure.
“You look like you have seen better days, my love. I can not believe you survived. Everyone told me that you had died, I mourned your death for days, weeks even.” I approached my love with caution as the light drained once again from his eyes. It seemed as though that every time he remembered me, his memory was wiped clean of me.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Last day of NaNo and I have to study for tests I know I’m going to fail. “Oh, Thor told me that he had to save someone from a car crash once but this was just when cars were being first invented. It wasn’t really his job to do, but he was already walking around your fine planet when he witnessed the crash.” I smiled and looked over at him lightly.
“You’re a little weird, you know that right? Those drugs must have a really long life. I want whatever you are on.” Joshua smiled and looked at me lightly.
“I am not on any drugs, I swear on Odin that I am not. I am completely sober. Even if I was on drugs, they would have no effect on me. My metabolism is much higher than the average Misgardian’s metabolism.” I turned and looked at Joshua. He nodded, reaching over to grab the remote off of the coffee table. He held it in his hands a bit before setting it back down next to the armor. His hand brushed against it and goosebumps appeared on his flesh.
“Was that really given to you by Odin? Was it really forged with the blood of Frost Giants and dragons, enemies you slain? Are you a really a Valkyrie from Asgard?” Joshua stared at the armor with blank eyes.
“Of course it was given to me by Odin. I told you both that before. It was gifted to all of us during a feast while we celebrated another victory over the Frost Giants. Of course, the blood it was forged from only came from dragons. Well, a singular dragon named Otho. He had enough iron in his blood to forge all of our armor. All of the Valkyries were gifted these and it is the last thing I have to remind me of my fallen sisters.” I smiled and looked at him. He looked back at me and dropped his eyes after I caught them.
“So you really just dropped out of the sky and came to earth because?” He furrowed his brows as he side eyed me.
“My people have been displaced. Hel destroyed the entire planet with her powers and I was sent on a mission to find a habitable planet for my people. I was tasked with looking at Midgard and living here for awhile before being picked up by my people to report back to them.”
“So how long do you think you’ll be here? A few weeks? A few months? A year maybe?” He looked at my hands as I fiddled with my fingers, picking at the extra skin around my hands.
“Maybe a few weeks towards a few months. No more than a year because I have to see what my people explored and what they have also reported back. Though I guess I could be here a few years since space travel is a little wonky. But I am sure I won’t notice the time difference.” I smiled and looked at him lightly. He did the same and moved closer towards me, wrapping an arm around me. I stiffened and he dropped his hand, looking down.
“What would happen if you stayed here longer than a few years? Turn into someone like me? A human?” He asked as he looked back at me.
“I have no idea where I’d be going or what would happen to me, but I believe I will stay the way I was born. I will have an ungodly lifespan and will probably outlive whatever friends I make here on Midgard.” I turned and looked at him, my eyes growing heavy lightly.
“Why don’t you end up going to sleep for tonight? I’m so sorry that I kept you awake.” Joshua stood up and looked at me.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I had an epiphany during my math test today and I got a good score on my vocabulary test. Just so everyone knows, December is going to be a hard month for me mentally as not only finals/midterms are happening but it’s nearing Devin’s birthday (the young man who was a friend of mine and killed himself in October) and the anniversary of my parents announcing their divorce. So if I am at all out of it, aggressive or at all rude to anyone of you just know that this is a rough month for me. I won’t excuse any of my future actions due to those events but I just wanted to put out this warning as it is the start of a very, very rough month for me.
“Well, aren’t you the cutest little girl I have ever seen. That costume is so adorable, did you make it yourself or did someone else make it for you?” The old lady asked as I looked at her. She squinted as she looked over me.
“My sisters and I were granted these suits of armor by Odin for our dedication to our home.” I bowed my head lightly and smiled at the thought.
“Okay, if you say so.” The man rolled his eyes and turned to grab the remote off of the coffee table, turning on the television.
I spent most of the night like that. We watched at least two hours of the television. The woman actually ended up falling asleep in her chair. The man eventually had to go and wake her up. Eventually she hobbled back to her bedroom. Then the man ended up to going over to the television and manually turning it off. He stood in front of it and looked at me. I turned and looked at the man in front of me. He smiled and looked at me lightly, eyes turning dark.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Am I intruding? You can tell me if I am intruding. I can leave if you want. You are the first person I saw once I made contact.”
“I don’t know what you are here for but I know you are going to get the hell out of dodge once you get up in the morning.” The man walked away and I sat on the couch.
A few moments later, the man came back with some boxers and a shirt. I looked at him a he tossed the clothing at me. In his free hand sat a toothbrush and some toothpaste. He walked away and left me all alone to strip, I guess. So I did so and set my armor on the coffee table. I looked around once dressed and sighed. The man came back in and handed me the toothbrush and toothpaste, pointing down the hallway. Most likely towards a bathroom where I could do the same. I turned and walked, following the man’s finger.
“She is a wonderful woman and you must keep her here. She is a lot more powerful than what you think. She is a Valkyrie from Asgard. I know that armor from anywhere.” The old woman croaked as I brushed my teeth, her bedroom being just across from the bathroom.
“She is not from a mythical race of people, grandma. She is just a little bit lost from Halloween. She probably took some drugs and got lost.” The man fired back as I leaned into the closed door between me and the hallway.
“I still have my mind, Joshua and I know what a Valkyrie is. Her armor was forged in the depths of Odin’s palace. Made from the blood of slain Frost Giants and dragons. She is apart of a race of peoples that can help us.” The old woman coughed and hacked for a few seconds before she stopped.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Sorry about another excerpt: I finished brushing my teeth and walked out of the bathroom. I headed into the room I had come out of and looked at the man on the couch. Tears filled his eyes and they were already bloodshot. His hands were shaking and he looked at me. He looked down quickly and avoided eye contact. I went over and sat down next to him. There was a cushion between us as we looked at each other. One hand tapped his knee as he looked at me. He looked over at me and looked back at his lap. We sat in silence other than the few sniffles that came from Joshua. His hoodie had been pulled back and his hands touched his short, dark hair. His brown eyes shot back at me and looked back down. I turned and looked back at him as he sighed.
“If you head the conversation with my grandmother and I, you have to promise me that you will forget it. You were not meant to hear that. She was just being a senile old woman.” He whispered as I looked at me.
“Of course, I didn’t hear it anyways.” I shrugged and looked back at him. He nodded and looked down at his lap. I nodded and looked at him.
“My grandmother is pretty crazy, but she’s a good person with a great heart.” Joshua smiled and giggled lightly as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
“She seems like one.” I smiled and looked at the television, wanting to see what these Midgardians liked to watch.
“She is just an amazing person and she made sure I was raised right after my parents died in a car crash.”
“Oh, Thor told me that he had to save someone from a car crash once but this was just when cars were being first invented. It wasn’t really his job to do, but he was already walking around your fine planet when he witnessed the crash.” I smiled and looked over at him lightly.
“You’re a little weird, you know that right? Those drugs must have a really long life. I want whatever you are on.” Joshua smiled and looked at me lightly.
“I am not on any drugs, I swear on Odin that I am not. I am completely sober. Even if I was on drugs, they would have no effect on me. My metabolism is much higher than the average Misgardian’s metabolism.” I turned and looked at Joshua. He nodded, reaching over to grab the remote off of the coffee table. He held it in his hands a bit before setting it back down next to the armor. His hand brushed against it and goosebumps appeared on his flesh.
“Was that really given to you by Odin? Was it really forged with the blood of Frost Giants and dragons, enemies you slain? Are you a really a Valkyrie from Asgard?” Joshua stared at the armor with blank eyes.
“Of course it was given to me by Odin. I told you both that before. It was gifted to all of us during a feast while we celebrated another victory over the Frost Giants. Of course, the blood it was forged from only came from dragons. Well, a singular dragon named Otho. He had enough iron in his blood to forge all of our armor. All of the Valkyries were gifted these and it is the last thing I have to remind me of my fallen sisters.” I smiled and looked at him.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am proud to say that I like where this is going and that I might return to writing the Sign of the Oppressed Creature series as I want this untitled story/novel to take president along with the Sign of the Oppressed Creature series. They both seem to show off my best writing skills and I hope to bring both of those to you soon. They are really becoming my love children and I want to work on both of them as much as possible over winter break. I want to see if I can get 25,000 words done for each over the month break I have at JCU and the two week long break I have at Heights. So I will write during the mornings when I have time off and during the afternoons when I have time off after I finish homework. I might have a bit of a slow down during Christmas, but that will not slow my fast fingers down. So here’s another excerpt from my upcoming (hopefully) novel and I’d like feedback if you’re reading this far into the ‘journal’ aka rant box.
“Don’t be so shy, I’m here to clean you up.” I whispered, looking at the man in front of me. He stripped down with no problem whatsoever. I smiled and looked down, taking in the muscular man in front of me. He smiled and looked at me, blushing lightly.
He was built from years of doing hard work with his arms. His chest and stomach weren’t as built as his arms. There was a layer of chub along it as he smiled at me. He gave me a shy smile as I looked over some of the wounds. They were mostly superficial and would need only a light cleaning. A few bruises freckled his upper chest. His right eye was starting to get puffy. I smiled and looked at him as I opened to first aid kit, looking over his body wondering where I should start. After a moment, I began with a long scratch on his chest that ran from his right arm to his left hip.
“This might sting a little bit.” I whispered, putting the antiseptic on a cotton ball before rubbing it lightly over the scratch. The man hissed lightly and I looked up at him, his eyes were closed shut in pain and he opened one eye to look at me. He blushed in embarrassment and balled up his fists instead.
“I must look like such a wimp. You must have seen worse injuries on the battlefield and none of the warriors made a fuss, did they?” He asked, pulling his hands behind his back to make sure I had access to all of his wounds. At least, all of the wounds on his chest.
“As much pain as us uterus wielders go through every month, we can still wail like a motherfucker when we’re in pain. It’s not like we aren’t impervious to pain, it’s just that we can take higher amounts of it. Though, I have heard the wails of a woman who had her leg blown off in World War Two. She was a nurse out in no-mans-land and an underground bomb when off just a few feet from her as she was helping a fallen warrior. She had her leg blown off clean at the knee. She wailed so loudly that she almost burst an eardrum, if yours wasn’t blown out by the bomb going off.” I chuckled and moved back to the first aid kit, looking at the assortment of bandages and cleaning supplies.
“Well then, I guess men aren’t that loud when we’re in pain.” I turned and looked at him, coming over and pacing a bandage over the scratch.
“No, you guys are much better.”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am so proud of this final essay that I have written. It is just a culmination of all I have learned over the years. I was asked to take some time and reflect on this semester. Five pages of just me reflecting on what has happened over this last few weeks. I am so proud to say that I am adulting really well this year. That I am able to love myself even more. I want to get help myself and be able to adapt very well. To make friends and break out of my shell. I am really flowering in this new environment. I am able to make sure I am able to advocate for myself. I can not wait to get into next year and the new love that I have for learning.
As much as I want to say that trauma and pain haven’t affected my life, it has. There have been a number of traumas that have entered my life over the years. From seeing a friend of mine drown in a pool when I was only in kindergarten to October of this year when a friend of mine committed suicide. I thought that I would be immune to the pain of what these traumas have brought to me, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t just a normal high schooler with dreams of going to college and getting a degree. I felt like college was never a good fit for me as much as my parents and teachers told me. I was brought down by the weight of a major depressive episode after my parents announced their divorce last December. This wasn’t helped by the huge amounts of stress and self-doubt I endured over the few months between September and December during my first semester here at John Carroll. I began to question my entire life choices and future when I started John Carroll this semester. I wondered how someone like me could end up here, at college. My entire life was spun on its head, and not in the best way. This year, I realized that my life wasn’t as immortal as I thought. That I wasn’t supposed to live forever and that I needed to make a mark on the world before it’s too late as I can be hit by a car tomorrow.
When I started this program, and subsequently college here this semester, I thought I was going to head off to college and get a degree in photography or audio engineering, maybe even one in creative writing. I had always been pushed by my parents to use my ‘intelligence’, whatever that means, to my best advantage. I was expected to perform well in all of my classes and tests. All of that pressure mounted on me because I thought I had to be this perfect gifted child. I was sick often and thus had to take a lot of time off from school, which resulted in me having to make up a lot of work. With a huge push from my parents, I became stressed as a young child and was always sort of stressed about keeping up with work in school. I was always being pushed to finish work and do what was needed of me. Even teachers pushed me to have me do the work offered in school. I soon became a huge procrastinator and was always pushing off work until the last moment. This came to bite me in the butt when I entered middle and high school when the workload became even bigger. It was also when I realized that I was transgender, and had to hide to from my family. Even if my parents are very accepting people, they made comments that made me terrified to come out to them. Their actions of neglect also kept me from coming out as they always focused on my sister more than me, tossing me to the side from a young age like they never meant to have me at all.
College was always stressed in my household. I had to go to college and get a degree. My parents had high hopes for me. I remember my mom commenting on me going to Harvard one day. This stressed me out and there was a pit in my stomach when she said that. I wondered if I could go to Harvard and if that was an opportunity that could be offered to me one day. That maybe if I applied that I could get in. This was such a tell on where I could be headed. I was going to go to Harvard or some Ivy League school and become the breadwinner of the family. The stress mounted and I was becoming sicker by the day.
I knew I would never be a normal high schooler or have a normal high school experience. My family was rooting for me to have a better school life than them. They didn’t focus much on their studies and they wanted me to do better than them. This meant giving up the social life I so desperately wanted to have. All my life I never had a social life due to the fact that I had to focus on my studies. That I was gifted and that came with a huge amount of work. All I ever dreamed of was going to high school and having a high school romance. I dreamed of having a boyfriend that would take me on the cutest little dates that had filled my head since I was a child. The dreams of a high school prince were crushed when I turned in my application of Early College, which my parents urged me to turn in.
I wished and wished that I wouldn’t end up with mental illnesses, but that happened as well. It got worse as I headed into high school and Early College as a whole. I began picking myself apart as I never deemed myself good enough. My body was riddled with stretch marks and acne. Thighs that bulleged out of most pants I wanted to wear. A stomach that peaked out of any shirt that my mom deemed was ‘my size’. Stretch marks that appear along my thighs and stomach all too soon. I wasn’t the smartest kid in my classes, far from it. There weren’t any talents I had and I deemed myself unworthy of any good words or praises that my teachers had to give me. I stopped giving people hugs and smiles all together. It was all an illusion for what I wanted so desperately to hide from the people I held close to me. I had stopped eating almost all together in an attempt to lose weight. The only time I ate was when I was around family and even then, I was so anxious that the food came up right away. Only my best friend knew my deepest, darkest secret. I was severely depressed, anxious, dysphoric from hiding my gender identity from my parents and suffering from the beginnings of an eating disorder and, at the time unknown to both me and her, PTSD. All I wanted to do was end it all, die.
I can count on two hands all of the events that led to me concluding that I had PTSD. One, the death of my friend in kindergarten. She drowned in the pool and I saw her body. My brain blocked out any information that I had. I do not remember any part of my life up until the sixth grade. Two, the death of my cousin in a four wheeler accident. I have one ‘photo’ or memory from that day and I have a few from the day my friend died. The next few incidents all happened within the first two years of high school. First, a shooting threat both years of high school. A single lockdown lasted most of the school day and they (the police) found a knife in a locker, None of the students knew about this until the news trickled in from parents as they saw our high school on the school. Second, a bomb threat on the school in my sophomore year. Thirdly, a rape on campus by two classmates of mine that resulted in the transferring of the girl who was raped. The police, nor the administration, did nothing about the rape. Finally, a clown threat on my school that led to backpacks being searched by the security guards.
The last two traumas happened in my junior year of high school. The summer before my junior year, the girl who got raped the previous year killed herself. She got drunk one night and threw herself in front of oncoming traffic. Her friends were with her and saw her die. That’s all I have on her but the next one is very personal to me as this was one of my good friends. Devin, whom I talked about in my last paper, killed himself in October of this year. It pained me so much to hear that my friend was found in his backyard Sunday night, the night of the first. All I could think when I heard the news was that I could have saved him. I could have done something to help this young man from his household. I knew what neglectful and abusive (emotional abuse at the hands of my mother) households were like as I grew up, and continue to grow up, in the light of parents who don’t care about you. I became even more depressed and continue to be depressed to this day from what happened to this young man who was the light of so many people’s lives. Like my parents taught me, of no admission of their own, I hid my feelings from anyone who knew me and didn’t even go to Devin’s funeral as I didn’t want to show any feelings to any of my peers. I needed to be stronger than what my peers thought of me already.
This semester was a mess mentally more than it was physically that was the accumulation of all of the traumas and events that have happened from years prior. I began researching the symptoms of PTSD and will ask my doctor about getting treatment. I may also ask about going on medication for my depression and anxiety. I will not allow myself to be depressed anymore. I am worthy of recovery and maybe I will recover, maybe I won’t recover fully. But I would rather be a happy, medicated zombie than a mess of feelings that I do not want to ever feel again. I will allow myself to eat meals without guilt. I will break away from my neglectful family and focus on what I love, writing and photography. I promise that I will try to get better and allow myself to love freely and openly. My love is not wrong or a sin. My gender identity is not wrong nor a sin either. This was a semester of healing, of pain, of love, of friendship and of laughter. That I am not invincible and my life is as short as it is long. But most of all, it was a semester of realizing that I am more mentally messed up than I ever could have known. I will get better one day and I will have the life I want one day. Even if it means breaking away from my family and creating my own.
Another excerpt from my love and smiling: I was all alone and I needed someone next to me. A human to drain of blood or even turned. I needed food and I needed it now. I hated not being on a schedule. I binged and binged. I ate and ate and I hated it. I would just end up binging more and more. I didn’t even care about it either. I just needed to eat and fill my stomach. I wanted to eat and feel power again. I want to feel like a god again. I want to be like a powerful human being. That’s all I ever was. I was just a powerful human being.
I love being powerful and I hate that I was so out of it. That I couldn’t be with it anymore. I can’t be alone with myself. I hate being all alone. Vampires were meant to be alone. We were meant to be alone. Solitary creatures of life. Meant to die and fall alone. I never should have been in a group. But I couldn’t bare being alone. I wasn’t what the other vampires wanted. I was the man and looked at the picture of my now dead family. I missed them so much and I wanted to be back with them. I had descendants of my family in America, but I don’t think they’d appreciate their great-great grandfather popping in on them. I wanted to make a family but I wanted to be away from them. I was a monster and the rest of the family was the same. I turned and looked at my hands now.
“Please, someone come help me.” I whispered lightly. My head was in my hands.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
Vocabulary list from AP Government: Mass media- The entire array of organizations through which information is collected and disseminated to the general public. News media- Media providing the public with new information about subjects of public interest. Yellow journalism- A form of newspaper publishing in vogue in the late nineteenth century that featured pictures, comics, color, and sensationalized news coverage. Muckraking- A form of journalism, in vogue in the early twentieth century, devoted to exposing misconduct by government, business, and individual politicians. Narrowcasting- targeting media programming at specific populations within society. Citizen Journalists- Ordinary individuals who collect, report, and analyze news content. On the record- information provided to a journalist that can be released and attributed by name to the source. Off the record-information provided to a journalist that will not be released to the public. On background- Information provided to a journalist that will not be attributed to a named source. Deep background- information provided to a journalist that will not be attributed to any source. Content regulations- limitations on the substance of the mass media. Equal time rule- the rule that requires broadcast stations to sell air time equally to all candidates in a political campaign if they choose to sell it to any. Press release-a document offering an official comment or position. Press briefing-a relatively restricted session between the press secretary or aide and the press. Press conference-an unrestricted session between an elected official and the press. Media effects (Fix the Quiz)- The influence of news sources on public opinion. Agenda setting- The process of forming the list of issues to be addressed by the government. Framing- The process by which a news organization defines a political issue and consequently affects opinion about the issue.
And an excerpt: “Ah, but that is where you are wrong. You are meant to go down like him, in ashes.” My father circled me once more as I stared down the man.
“I am meant to take you down and that’s all I ever needed to know. I need to burn you down and kill you. I am meant to kill you and raise up.”
“No, you are meant to rule by my side. As a trustee or as a son in line. We are able to be rulers together. Rulers of hell together.”
“I want to kill you, father. I need to kill you. That is what I must do.” I turned and the mist was gone, vanished into thin air.
The field went silent again and I looked between the two lines of fire. Hellhounds growled and anxious fingers waited on triggers. I turned and looked down at my dirty hands. The city was once again silent. I turned and kept walking away from the field. They could go back to fighting when I left. I turned and looked at my hands, hoping I didn’t have to see any more fighting. I didn’t want to see the bloodshed between the demons and the humans. I didn’t care for how they weaponized my kind either. We just wanted to be left alone. I turned and looked at some of the people of the city. They looked scared, frightened even.
“Do not let me frighten you. I am not here to hurt you. I am not here to harm you either.” I whispered, almost to myself as I sighed a bit, raising my arms above my head. The people watched as I walked through the neighborhood.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
My foot is killing me so bad right now. But sorry, another excerpt: “Don’t be so shy, I’m here to clean you up.” I whispered, looking at the man in front of me. He stripped down with no problem whatsoever. I smiled and looked down, taking in the muscular man in front of me. He smiled and looked at me, blushing lightly.
He was built from years of doing hard work with his arms. His chest and stomach weren’t as built as his arms. There was a layer of chub along it as he smiled at me. He gave me a shy smile as I looked over some of the wounds. They were mostly superficial and would need only a light cleaning. A few bruises freckled his upper chest. His right eye was starting to get puffy. I smiled and looked at him as I opened to first aid kit, looking over his body wondering where I should start. After a moment, I began with a long scratch on his chest that ran from his right arm to his left hip.
“This might sting a little bit.” I whispered, putting the antiseptic on a cotton ball before rubbing it lightly over the scratch. The man hissed lightly and I looked up at him, his eyes were closed shut in pain and he opened one eye to look at me. He blushed in embarrassment and balled up his fists instead.
“I must look like such a wimp. You must have seen worse injuries on the battlefield and none of the warriors made a fuss, did they?” He asked, pulling his hands behind his back to make sure I had access to all of his wounds. At least, all of the wounds on his chest.
“As much pain as us uterus wielders go through every month, we can still wail like a motherfucker when we’re in pain. It’s not like we aren’t impervious to pain, it’s just that we can take higher amounts of it. Though, I have heard the wails of a woman who had her leg blown off in World War Two. She was a nurse out in no-mans-land and an underground bomb when off just a few feet from her as she was helping a fallen warrior. She had her leg blown off clean at the knee. She wailed so loudly that she almost burst an eardrum, if yours wasn’t blown out by the bomb going off.” I chuckled and moved back to the first aid kit, looking at the assortment of bandages and cleaning supplies.
“Well then, I guess men aren’t that loud when we’re in pain.” I turned and looked at him, coming over and pacing a bandage over the scratch.
“No, you guys are much better. You guys try to be strong and try to make sure that women do not know that you are in pain. There’s this silent cry that you all do when you’re in pain. It’s just that we potential dates just can’t tell if you are ready to handle the real pain of loving someone. It helps showing pain when it means there’s a date on the line.” I smiled and finished up the rest of the wounds, looking at my good work.
“Then, would you mind going on a date with me?” He asked, looking down at me. I blushed and sat him down on the bed.
“I don’t even know your name or if the very least if I like you enough to go on a ‘date’ with you.” I sat down next to him as his head dropped to look at his hands, which laid in his lap.
“Well, that’s the point of a date, don’t you think? To get to know someone and see if you like them. The name is William, by the way. William Aiden Masters and you are?”
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am so terrible. I started a new story today. I don’t know how this will go because I know my writing is shit anyhow. But I kind of like it so far? But it may not go anywhere, like most things I do. But here is some of it: "Jacob's new girlfriend isn’t right for him." My eyes followed the woman in front of me as she handed some food to other costumers in the diner.
She was definitely a beautiful woman but she was way out of Jacob's league. Her hair was a beautiful silver color and feel just a bit farther than her shoulders. She had black and grey tattoos covering her arms and legs. Even though she was working a job that required her to be on her feet all day, she wore a pair of nude heels. A smile was painted on her face as she walked back towards the kitchen. Her long nails dragged against our table as she smiled down at us. She was not only really pretty, but she was really personable as well. She made everyone like her with a single smile. I turned and growled at her back as she disappeared behind the kitchen door.
"She looks fine to me. Maybe it's just because you have feelings for Jacob." I sighed and looked down a bit, turning to look at Jacob who sat at the counter. His eyes followed his love as he smiled that same dopey smile he always wore when she was around.
"There's something about her that makes me feel all uncomfy." I turned and looked at him as he tried to take a drink out of his coffee mug.
"Well that's you and not me. That woman is so good looking and charming." I turned and went back to eating my food.
And here is another one: “I do like you, though and I hope you know that. I like you as a friend and that’s all. That’s all I ever wanted. I like you as a friend and that’s it. I love you babe, as a friend.” I turned and looked at him. He looked back at me and sighed.
“That’s okay. I’m sorry for bothering you with my feelings.” I turned and went over to the door. I opened up the door and pushed my way inside.
“You don’t have to apologize about that. It’s okay babe. I hate being all alone with myself and not wanting to know you. I want to cuddle you.”
“Thank you so much and I don’t care. I love you so much.” I smiled and looked at him lightly. He giggled and looked at him.
“So, heading out to study, my love?” Josh asked and looked at me.I looked down and nodded a bit.
“Yeah, huge test tomorrow and I can’t fail.” I turned and looked at them lightly. Joshua nodded and looked down.
“Well, I hope you have a lot of fun with that. You will do a wonderful on it.” I turned and looked down and sighed lightly. He gave me a smile and blushed lightly.
“Thank you so much Joshua.” I turned and kissed his cheeks. He smiled and headed back towards his dorm, veering right. I veered left, towards my dorms. I smiled and looked down a bit. I turned and looked at my friends, the women in my dorm rooms.
“Well, is Josh your boyfriend yet? Or is he at least your date yet?” One woman with dark hair asked as I passed her.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am sorry for not updating you about my life for the past month or so I have not been in a very good place and I own you all an explanation as to why. I have been super depressed and I really don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. My dad thinks I’m ignoring him but he has been ignoring the tears in my eyes. If I am to sleep tonight, it seems like I might have to sleep in the tub. My dad brought his girlfriend over and I do not like her at all. She is a lot better than that dumbass of a boyfriend my mom is. But, they are in the room where I sleep (aka the living room since my dad lives in a one bedroom apartment) and I am too scared to get up. I really need to go to sleep and I just want to cry. I have been so depressed for weeks now and I never wanted to say anything. I just want to go cry my eyes out. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I do not deserve to be here. I am nothing and I am worthless. It is four days until Devin’s birthday and I have a math final the next day. I have a vocabulary quiz on Monday of that week and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just am so tired of living and being bogged down by the crushing weight of not being happy anymore. Not even the things I used to enjoy make me happy anymore. Plus, my dad keeps asking for a Christmas Wishlist and I don’t know how to tell him that all I want is for him and my mom to break up with the people they are with at least until I am out of the house. That way I’m not stuck in the middle and becoming more depressed by the day. I am done being all alone with no one to confide in besides the two friends I have. Not even therapists can help me. I can not trust any single therapist anymore and it’s all because of this one fucker. The one I had told my parents everything I said even though I did not consent to them being told that information and I was not putting myself or others in danger.
I have stopped eating all together except for a few snacks here and there. It’s mostly junk food and it doesn’t keep me full very long. Though it’s all I can get my hands on since it’s the only thing I can buy with the change I can get off of my floor. Plus, it’s not like I can bring any food into the house. My mom hasn’t been the nicest to me lately and we’ve always been getting into arguments. I did say that the only time she said ‘I love you’ to me was after a kid killed himself. It felt so weird and I didn’t like it at all. Even the hugs she gives me feel forced as hell. I don’t have any sort of family to rely on and it kind of sucks, Not even my sister can do anything to help because she lives in Texas and has her own shit to deal with. I just want to fucking die and I don’t think anyone cares that I just might do it. No one cares about me and I know that because not even my friends at school have tried to help and I’ve explicitly stated to them that I have been suicidal for months. I just hope that if my parents find this they know that this was preventable, that they should have listened to my cries for help years ago (yes, I have been suicidal and depressed for over half of my life). But they haven’t and they continue to ignore me for the love of my sister.
I am broken and I am worthless. I do not deserve to be alive anymore. If this is my last note on earth, my last impression, then I am okay with that. If it is not, then I will continue to be depressed another day. Another bad day among even worse days like today. Another zombie created by the world we live in. Never to be given love or any human decency. I am a monster and I don’t deserve love. I am just not someone you are friends with. I am a blip in your radar.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I have finally posted the first eight chapters of my new story, The Valkyrie. So go check it out and here is part of the eighth chapter that I posted today: “Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!” I yelled as I tried to hold back laughter. I pulled away from Loki as I smiled lightly. He giggled and pulled me close. I giggled as we looked into each other’s eyes. He smiled lightly as I laid back on the bed, my hair was probably splayed out across the pillow.
“Well either way, you look gorgeous to me. Or should I say handsome? Sorry, words seem to be failing me right now.” I turned and looked at him from my position underneath him. I smiled and looked at him as I turned my head to the door of my room.
“I have never seen the silver tongued god of mischief be at a loss for words. “ His hands creeped up my sides as his lips pressed a few kisses to the soft skin just below my ear.
“Well that is what happens when you are the most handsome man in the whole universe.” He whispered as he nibbled on some skin on my neck. I smiled and moaned lightly as I looked at him. His eyes filled with love as he looked down at me. I blushed as he looked at me lightly.
“I am not the most handsome man in the whole universe.” I moved slightly as I looked at him, pulling my slip down slightly as it rode up over my thighs. I kept my hands right there on the hem of the slip as I struggled lighty against his grip. I smiled as I looked at him as he glanced over me.
“Well aren’t you a little liar. You are the most handsome man in the whole universe and I say so. No more arguing with me and you are the best person I ever had the chance of meeting. Don’t let anyone tell you anything else.” He booped my nose as I looked up at him. He smiled once more and ducked back down to my neck.
“I don’t know why you chose me to love me.” I turned and looked at him as he gave me a small kiss on the cheek. I smiled as I looked back at him as I sighed a bit. His eyes trailed over my body and I stole a look at him.
I was so aware of my body now that Loki was looking at me. I turned and looked at my body as I looked at my huge thighs. They were muscular but they were a little bit of fat covering them. I turned and looked at myself in an even better light as Loki came up for air. My stomach pudged out a bit as I tried to hold it in. I turned and looked at him as he began pulling up my slip a bit. He gave me a small kiss as he felt over my skin. A small moan left his lips as his fingertips felt over my skin. I smiled as his moans became more and more frequent. It seemed as if he was getting off on me feeling me up. I smiled as he looked at me lightly.
The god kept giving me hickies up and down my neck. He felt over my body and kept smiling at me as I looked at him. My body wasn’t that good at receiving the attention of a man. I was just that inexperienced with the. No man had ever taken interest in me. I was only able to watch from afar as everyone else made their love to their partners. I turned and looked at him as he gave me a soft smile. His eyes looked over me as I blushed lightly. I was sure I was the color of a tomato by this point. He gave me a soft smile as I looked at him. I turned over and looked at the door once more.
Love,
Unknown

Chapter Text

Dear reader,
I am such a terrible person. I gave this guy two chances to prove that he was a good person. He told me that he wanted to get to know me, then said it was a joke. But, I really wanted to make sure I wasn’t passing up a chance on a good guy. So I gave him a second chance. Maybe a bit stupidly. I just...wish I could’ve had that high school romance that’s portrayed in the media. I have a year and a half left and I know that’s not going to happen. So why bother with trying to find someone who likes me or just waiting for him to come. I just wish it would come sooner. I don’t like waiting and I hope he comes soon. But I mean, that’s even assuming he exists. I don’t think I’ll ever get that first kiss, that first boyfriend, my first time (you know...sexually), my first heartbreak. It all so out of reach for me. It’s like a dream to me and not the realistic kind where you say you want to be a doctor. I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship because I’m not the kind of person you do like what so ever. That has been proven many times along the way. But, enough of my stupid suffering, here’s my excerpt from the upcoming chapter of The Valkyrie: “Who the hell are you?” The man in the recliner awoke as soon as I changed the channel. I groaned, knowing I had to at least talk to him a tiny bit and explain what I was doing here, who I was and all that good stuff.
“My name is Maxwell. Who the hell are you?” I jabbed back as the man in the recliner sat straight up. He smiled lightly, showing a crooked row of bottom teeth that were yellowed probably from smoking.
“My name is Jason and what the hell are you? Angel? Demon? Unicorn?” He asked groufly as he looked at me.
My eyes darted around the room as I debated on if I should tell him that I was a Valkyrie or not, “I come from Asgard and I am a part of a group of warrior women called the Valkyrie. I am not of this earth like some mythical creatures. I am the god of darkness and I shall be referred to as such.”
“Then why the hell aren’t you blind as a motherfucker right now. I heard that myth from my parents when I was a kid. The god of darkness was tricked by Loki to kill his brother with a mistletoe arrow. Then you are killed by your other brother in an act of revenge.” The man looked over me and then looked into my eyes.
“Why would I be blind right now? I do not have a brother. At least not one that I know of. I have never killed anyone other than the people I have killed in battle. Even then, those people deserved to die. I would never kill any family of mine.” I turned towards the man and I sighed lightly as the man squinted his dark eyes at me. I looked back at him and sighed lightly.
“Guess I just predicted your future then, young one.” He pointed a slightly crooked finger at me, wiggling it lightly. The man’s smile grew more sinister as he looked at me.
We fell into silence as I studied his face. He was tanned, his skin a sort of leather color. The man’s eyes were a dark brown and there was a sprinkling of freckles on his cheeks. A few curls were made it onto his face as the light lit up his face. I smiled and looked at him. My eyes studied his face a bit longer, drifting over his soft jawline. He caught my eyes and smiled back at me, blushing slightly. I giggled and looked at his hands, rough and dry from working.
Love,
Unknown