Chapter 1: First Love
It started when the members of EXO were announced, he looked at the lovely person who was going to be his co-member for a while.
Lu Han stood there cheering with the others, others like Wu Yifan, Huang Zitao, Zhang Yixing, Kim Minseok, Byun Baekhyun, Do Kyungsoo, Kim Jongdae, Kim Jongin, Park Chanyeol, and Kim Junmyeon. Sehun simply stared and admired the clear skinned, older boy.
Everyone felt the happiest they've been that whole journey; however, Sehun only felt love blossoming in his heart. It was a feeling he hasn't felt in his lifetime; he liked it, it felt warm and soft, like his fragile heart.
His first love was going to be next to him until the end; it's what he thought was going to happen.
Chapter 2: Congratulations
The beginning of the end.
Sometimes, life smacks you in the face with a giant bat and expects you to be okay with it.
It was May 15, 2014, a beautiful Thursday that was crushed by the news of a departure, Wu Yifan filed a lawsuit against SM Entertainment to terminate his contract. It was a rumor before but it was confirmed.
Suho just curled into himself when we saw the post trend throughout the internet. I didn't know what to do, but I saw two certain members with unusual looks in their eyes.
Lu Han filed a lawsuit against SM Entertainment on October 10, 2014. The same year Wu Yifan left.
I stood there emotionless, I thought I still had Tao by my side, but I was wrong. Completely wrong.
Huang Zitao left and filed a lawsuit against SM Entertainment on August 24, 2015.
Thank you world. Thank you for hitting me with a bat and forcing me to deal with it. It's 2017 and I'm still not over it, my heart is completely broken and even though I've tried to distract myself, the memories still come back to haunt me.
-May 1, 2014-
"Kris, are you sure about this?" I heard Suho ask him, I knew I shouldn't have been listening to them but my curiosity got to me.
"If I wasn't sure I wouldn't be telling you this." He argued to him, I peaked in only to see Suho turn his head to hide his tears. I wanted to go in and ask what was going on but being the idiot I am, just stood there in silence.
"I thought we were a team, you're M and I'm K! you can't be doing this! Not at the peak of our careers!"
"We were a team, Junmyeon. It's over now, the lawsuit is already in place, the news should be coming up soon. There's nothing that can change my mind."
What lawsuit was he talking about?
"At least tell the members, they deserve at least that."
"Yes, because I'm just gonna tell them that I hate it here and that I'm leaving. It's better for them to find out like everyone else."
"No, I won't let you leave unless you tell them, this is your shit and you're their leader!"
"You're also the leader! More of one than I am!"
That wasn't true, they both held up EXO, without one of them, it would be a plate ready to fall and shatter over the world.
"That is not true! You will tell them because if you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."
"Fine, if that's what you want, then I'll do it."
Hyung stayed quiet after that, it took me a minute to process what was going on, but I finally got it. It took me too long, though, because I was caught listening in when Suho-hyung tried to storm out.
"Sehunnie, I didn't realize you were here. Did you need something?" I shook my head and turned to our room. I felt his hand on my shoulder but I kept walking. Kris was a father to me, and to see him leave felt like a huge rock slamming my heart down.
Wu Yifan told EXO that he was leaving the next morning. It all went downhill from there.
Congratulations, you won.
Chapter 3: Sing For You
Lu Han, Lulu, my immortal, mesmerizing, enchanting king, you left in October.
The second person to leave was the love of my life, he didn't know it and I kept it that way for too long.
It was October 1, 2014. Lu Han told Suho how he felt, and how he had been thinking about the first member leaving. He wanted to go, the pain and suffering they had caused him pushed him to depart.
Once again, my heart was smashed. There was a large crack through the middle, causing blood to seep out through my fragile body. There was a small piece that wasn't broken and I lived off it.
-October 1, 2014-
"Lu, I understand how you feel but why don't you just take a small break? There's no need to file a lawsuit." Suho tried, my king shook his head.
"It's done, I'm done. I'm sorry but I can't keep going like this, you know how they treat us! We barely get any lines and you guys are the ones that do, poor Yixing and Tao are suffering to the bone. That's their choice, not mine. I have insomnia, I haven't even seen my family in years!"
Once again, I stood there listening to their conversation. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
"Again, I understand but please, don't do this. Think about the others at least, think about Minseok." Not me, it's nice knowing I'll forever be sitting here with my heart broken.
"I did, I thought about this decision for months and I acted on it. I have to leave, this isn't me anymore."
"Then I'm not telling them, you go. You're the second oldest, you should be able to tell them without fear."
"No, I've gone through this with Kris, I'm not doing it again. I bet you Sehun is listening right now, just like he did last time."
"He was listening to you and him?" Yes, and that is my cue to leave.
"I can't imagine what pain he's going through, I really hope he's not right there." I went to the couch and pretended to sleep, holding a pillow against my chest to hold whatever sanity I had left in me.
"He's sleeping, Suho. Don't worry, he'll be sad with everyone else."
"You don't care about anything do you?" Please care about me.
"I do but-" Let him speak.
"Just forget it, go to bed." Suho put a blanket on me and messed my hair that was full of sweat and some of my tears.
"He seems sick. See what I tell you? They don't care."
"Didn't I tell you to go back to bed? This isn't your problem anymore." The last part Suho whispered, I can tell he was trying to be strong but nothing was working out.
Lu Han didn't say a word and left back to his room. I heard shuffling and a suitcase being unzipped.
Let me sing for you, just one last time.
Chapter 4: Don't Forget
Huang Zitao, my best friend next to Kai, left on August 24, 2015.
-July 1, 2015-
"Tao, you would never leave me, right?"
"Of course not, it's just a break until I heal, okay? Don't worry, I won't leave you alone with those people."
"The people who don't know what personal space is?" Suho threw a pillow at me for saying that, I laughed.
"Yeah, well tell the members I hope they're doing well! I'll text you later, okay?"
What a liar, he often forgets details like this. I was barely recovering from the small cracks in my heart. Lu Han, my king, had tried to contact me but every time I looked at the caller ID, I cried.
"You need to answer him at least once, c'mon get some closure."
"..." I picked up the phone and answered last second.
"Sehun! Thank goodness, I thought you changed your phone number. How are you?" His sweet voice rang through the speakers of my phone.
"T-That's it? Well, I heard Call Me Baby, it sounded really nice. You looked very handsome in the video." Thank you, my love. I tried my best to cover my fragmented, hollow organ.
"Thanks, listen I'm really busy. Bye." I hung up without hearing is pure voice say goodbye. I hate crying, but this really hurt. I love you.
-August 1, 2015-
At 5:00 am, the sky was gloomy. Tao texted me the news. It was an extremely long text; however, I read the entire thing.
"Sehun, please don't hate me."
"Sehun, answer me please."
"Fine. Be that way, see you never."
I stood there with the phone on the floor next to me, my breath began to quicken and my heart following suit. The oldest tried to console me but I no longer had the energy left to stop,
"Breathe, take deep breaths, I promise you, we'll be okay." I guess we have to be okay with it. It's in our nature, isn't it? Lie to the ones you supposedly would stay with and never leave their side.
"It's nice isn't it, to lie to countless of times. To love someone who would never love you back." My voice cracked a few times.
"Who did you love?" Baekhyun hugged my arm, leaning all his weight on me, which I didn't mind at the time.
"The second." He didn't need anymore, no one did. They knew, they were upset, but they were strong. Stronger than me, stronger than I'll ever be.
I pray that people won't forget their promised next time.
-December 2, 2015-
The MAMA second awards' show without Lu Han and Wu Yifan, the first without Huang Zitao.
We won four awards that night, Album of the Year, Best Male Group, Global Fans' Choice Male, and Best Asian Style. It felt good, I smiled genuinely for a bit that night.
I wanted to distant my self and crawl into my bed, but that was impossible. It always is for an idol.
"Let's play Mario Cart when we get home, okay?" Thank you, Kai, for not lying to me. I nodded and looked ahead to the crowd as Suho was speaking to the large crowd full of celebrities and fans.
When I look into the mirror, I see exhaustion, ugliness, heartbreak, sadness; the list goes on forever.
Kris would always flick my head and tell me to be confident in my looks.
Lu Han would always hug me and tell me goofy things to help me feel better.
Tao would yank me to his bed to read some manga, forcing me to distract myself.
Don't forget your promises, and whatever you do, don't you ever forget your love.
Chapter 5: What Should I Do
-January 30, 2016-
Lu Han is in Korea at the moment, sounds nice. I want to see him. I can't. This is nice.
"So, what should it be today? We can play a game, sleep, watch a movie, make food, order food, many options pick one. And we have to do it as a group!" Suho has been trying his best to have the members interact more.
History has to stop repeating itself, that's what he said.
I need to move on. I need to move on from the heart-wrenching feeling that stabs my soul every second of every day. I need to move on from this mindset of praying he'll come back for me.
He was unhappy, I need to understand that, but geez he needs to get the fact that we were all unhappy through his beautiful skull.
I hope one day I'll understand what to do.
"How about you, Sehunnie?" I looked up to see Baekhyun unusually close to my face.
"You've been spaced out for about 10 minutes, what are you thinking about?" Chanyeol questioned me.
"Let's get boba tea."
Everyone went quiet, you can cut the tension with a small knife.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, if you guys come with me, I'll do whatever you want to do." They smiled and got ready. I walked into my room and was backed hugged by someone, I didn't want to turn around.
"I know it's hard if you need to talk about it, I'm here." It was Baekhyun, he can be the sweetest at times.
"Thank you but there's nothing to say."
Everyone was laughing and having a grand old time. They were playing blindfolded tag around one of our largest studios.
"Tag! You're it!" It was too loud to hear who exactly it was but I went along with it. I stepped around and stretched my arms around, some giggles were being heard but they were in every direction.
"Hey, hey, it's me!" Two voices were heard, one was Minseok and one was Jongin. My lip bled as I tried to look for the people around me.
"Where are you guys?" I started to walk a bit faster to see if anyone would pop up.
"No over here!"
I kept hearing footsteps run around the room.
"C'mon, it's not that hard. Here, tag me." I reached out but they stepped back.
"Sehunnie, did you really think I was gonna let you do that?" He chuckled, they reminded me of Lu Han when he used to tease me.
Before I knew it, a tear ran down my face.
"Hey, I was kidding... Are you sure you're okay?" He took off the blindfold, leaving all the members to die out their laughter
Baekhyun's eyes just stared into mine with the greatest concern I've ever received while in EXO.
"I'm okay, just tired." My voice cracked on the last part. It wasn't very convincing.
"Just go do something else. I'm going home."
The door slammed shut like someone was shoved into it.
I was finally back to the place of the dead.
All I feel is the pain in my heart, I'm in the best position any person can ever be in and all I feel is the pain. Maybe a shower would cleanse my torment.
I loved you and you left. I loved you and you didn't give a single shit about me. I loved you while you loved someone else.
Tell me what to do, help me, love me, I'm begging you.
Make this break stop crushing me. I'm trying to live my damn life and you come to my mind only to tear me down.
I came back to check on Sehun but I heard sobs and walked towards it. He was crying and screaming into the air.
I've never seen this side of him before, I just thought it was him growing up that made him so quiet.
I never knew it was the pain and agony inside his heart.
It took me a while to calm down but I did.
I didn't know people could cry until there were dry tears.
"Hey, Sehun, want some food?"
I jump at Baekhyun's voice, I didn't know he was there.
"Yeah, sure... Let me just change..." He smiled and walked back to the kitchen. I wonder how long he was there.
I changed into comfortable clothes and did my regular after shower routine.
When I went into the kitchen, I heard Suho and Yixing talk, again, being the little shit I am, I listened. Please don't let him be next.
"If what he said is true, then we really must be clueless... Is this why they left?" I could hear Yixing shuffle around and hug Suho.
"No, of course not. They left for their own reasons, whether it was us or not, it doesn't matter anymore. Sehun must be going through a lot right now, all we can do is be there for him when he needs us to be."
"What if he leaves...?" I won't.
"He won't, he needs to heal, Suho, now let's eat, okay?" He nods and that's my cue to come in.
"Hey, guys, what's for dinner?" I masked my tired voice with some fake enthusiasm.
"Chicken! Your favorite, my friend!" Kai slapped my back and laughed lightly.
Tell me, what should I do now that you're gone?
Chapter 6: I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me
Please give me feedback!
I apologize for not posting, I've been really busy with school and such.
Bangtan Boys, BTS, they have so much love and pureness in their hearts. I hope they stay together for as long as they can.
I envy them.
They can live a scandal-free life while we're here drowning in them.
-Exoplanet #2, The EXO'luXion in Los Angeles, 18:30 PST, February 14, 2016-
We're performing today, I'm excited for everyone, I really am.
"Sehunnie! You excited to perform?"
"Yeah, let's do it!" I laughed along with Yixing, he's been helping me a lot lately.
I'm trying to move on, it's kind of working, my mental state is better than it was.
"That's the spirit! Can we talk after the concert though? It's important." Please don't leave.
"Yeah, of course. We can't talk now, though?"
"No, it has to be in private and we're kind of about to go on stage."
"Okay, yeah sure. We'll get something to eat after then."
"Sounds like a plan! Now let's go my tall maknae!" I smiled and laughed.
-After, In Sehun and Suho's Room-
"What did you want to talk about?" Is it what you and Suho were talking about the other day. Don't worry, I know.
"Suho and I, we heard you."
"Yeah, I know about everything."
"Are you okay? You can come to China with me if you want, we can schedule something, close some doors."
"I'm fine. They wouldn't let me do anything anyways, no one cares."
"Don't say that! Everyone cares, Sehun, trust me."
"Why should I trust you, you might leave soon, too."
"I don't plan on leaving nor do I want to."
"Liar, you're all liars. Everyone in EXO is a liar, everyone in this stupid company is a liar."
"Sehun, I'm warning you. Stop talking."
"No, why should I? Do you want me to pretend like nothing happened? Like the love of my life didn't leave and take my sanity with him?"
"Sehun, that's not what I meant! I was only saying-"
"No! You're all going to leave one day! You'll leave and take everything away!"
"Sehun, stop!" He grabbed my hands, I tried to yank them away but I'm not as strong as him.
"Leave me alone! I'll just make it easier on you, how about that?"
"Sehun, come here!"
"Go, leave! You guys just hate me anyways!" I'm all over the place.
I can hear doors open.
"We never said that! Listen to me-" Yixing starts pulling me towards him, I want to go.
"I refuse, I will never listen, I'm going to disappear and you will never hear from me." Again, I'm all over the place.
I start trying to get away, causing my feet to slide on the floor as I try to gain balance over him.
"Sehun, it's okay." Chanyeol hugs me tight, he's about the same height as me but a lot stronger than anyone here.
"No!" I start screaming my lungs out and trash around. That's all I remember.
It's about time he's snapped. I've been watching him just like Lu Han told me to. He gets worse every day according to the notes I have.
I just stare at the body of an innocent person.
That person who was slowly destroyed in the hands of the world.
"Let him go, I'll handle this."
"I hope you don't take any offense to this, but he doesn't really like you right now."
"It's okay, I learned how to handle him from the best."
I kneeled down as I watched Sehun cry his heart out, I watched him scream to the world like it was no big deal.
His eyes were bloodshot, nose runny, his stance was like he was get up and spring out of the house.
His eyes cried misery and despair, his nose was red like the anger in his heart, his stance was the interpretation of betrayal at its best.
We did this to him, didn't we?
"Sehun, I know you want to run, you probably hate us with burning passion but I promise you it's going to get better."
"It's not, I don't care what you tell me, I'll never believe in you nor will I ever trust any one of you."
"You don't have to, but what you can do is believe in yourself."
"Not even me." He glared with pure hatred.
"Then do it for Lu Han." The tension rose to the sky and shook hands with the sun.
He stayed silent and curled up, I leaned over and put his head on my lap, letting him lay there.
-Later That Night-
He's finally asleep.
His breakdown is over and everyone is still surrounding him.
"Guys, how about you all go to your rooms, if he wakes up he'll be overwhelmed." Suho tries to usher everyone out but their stubborn butts stay glued.
"Fine, but he's gonna be on the bed." Chanyeol got up and put the sleepy Sehun on his unusually small bed.
And that was the night everyone stayed in a cramped room for the youngest.
-Next Day Sehun POV-
I wake up only to be surrounded by my stinky members who didn't even bother to lay down properly.
Baekhyun and Kai are cemented to my side. Suho and Yixing are asleep in the next bed, and Chen is sleeping on the floor next to him.
Kyungsoo and Xiumin are cramped together on the futon we had stored in the closet. Chanyeol stays in a ball in the very corner of the room.
"What happened?" I like to whisper to myself, it's nice and comforting for some reason.
"Lu Han, if you somehow saw what happened please tell me, I don't deserve these dorks. I don't even deserve to be here. I'm just an untalented, lanky 20 something year old."
"How can you speak so lowly of yourself like that? Sehun, get your shit together or you're never going to last with me. C'mon, believe in yourself like the three of us did! Love yourself like I love you."
I'm hallucinating, nice.
"I'm serious, ask yourself, would I like you if you came to me like this?"
"Exactly! Now stop imagining me."
"Sehun, how are you feeling?" It's Yixing.
"Good I guess, I have a headache and have two koalas pasted onto me."
"Hmm, what's the last thing you remember?"
"Well I was trashing around and Chanyeol hugs me, that's all I remember."
"I see, well how about we sneak out of here and get that food you wanted from yesterday? They'll forgive us later." I smiled and nodded, anything to get out of this place.
Lulu, I wonder how you are. Are you okay?
I wonder if you hurt like my demolished heart.
Chapter 7: I Need Somebody
Hello! I want to thank everyone for reading this and bookmarking it as well as leaving kudos! I appreciate all the time you spend on this story and promise there is more to come!
Please give me feedback and I hope you all have a wonderful day!
-April 12, 2016-
Today's the day, the day a disaster was born.
Dark humor is my escape from reality.
"Happy birthday, my love."
It's him again. My worst and greatest hallucination.
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to wish you a good birthday, how are you feeling?"
"Sehun who are you talking to?"
"No one." I need to stop or Baekhyun is going to go insane and tell on me like a little kid.
"I guess... well I need to talk to you about something."
"Hold on, I look at my fake Luhan and motion him to leave for a bit."
"Fine, but I'll be back, my love."
"Okay, go ahead." Baekhyun looks at me, making me feel like a crazy person.
"I was wondering if you would keep me company as the tour goes on. I'm not exactly in a good place and I know you aren't either, so I thinking about it."
"Sure, if that's what you want then of course."
"Okay, thank you! I promise you I'll be less annoying."
"Right, but why didn't you ask Chanyeol, you know, your best friend in the whole world."
"He's part of the problem, actually." Baekhyun sits next to me.
"What happened? If you don't mind me asking at least."
"No, it's fine. He's been too busy and ignoring me but when it comes to Kyungsoo, he'll stop whatever and go to him. I like that he has someone to care for but I hate the fact I'm tossed aside because of it."
"I think you need to talk to him, talk to Kyungsoo, plan something and talk it out."
"Thank you, but in the meantime..."
"Yeah, I'll keep you company because honestly, I need it, too." He smiles and pecks my cheek. Baekhyun the emotional, affectionate, bubbly person strikes again.
-Later That Day-
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Sehunnie, happy birthday to you!" He's back.
"Yeah! I'm here to love you because the real me won't."
"Leave me alone, I want the real one. I want the one that doesn't love me." He's gone.
"Sehun, do you want to get some boba?" It's Kai.
"No, I'm okay, I'm too tired right now."
"Okay, I'll bring you one."
"Thank you." I give a small smile and he messes up my perfectly styled hair.
He's completely out of it, even on his birthday. I thought he would have felt better at this point.
It's almost been three years.
"Anyone want anything?" Of course, they give me their orders and I go on with my day.
"And a green tea boba, please. I'm paying." Who in the world-
"Hey Jongin, it's been a while." I turn only to see the devil in front of me.
"Hi, what are you doing here of all days?"
"Just getting something to drink, and wondering if Sehun was around. I really need to talk to him."
"He's at home. And now's not the time, he's at his worse and I don't know when he's going to get better."
"Wait, what do you mean he's at his worse?" He mumbles something under his breath but I can barely make it out.
"He's had a lot of meltdowns. That's about all I'm going to say."
"Please, I need to know more, he hasn't returned any of my calls, no texts or DMs I send him. I'm begging you!"
"I'm sorry, it's just, I don't know a lot either."
"I bet Yixing and Junmyeon know more. Maybe Minseok, too!"
"Give it a rest-" He cuts me off.
"Thanks, Jongin! I'll keep in touch!" He pays and takes his boba with him, waving goodbye.
"No problem." I shake my head and take all the drinks back home.
-Two Hours Past, Sehun's POV-
"He paid for everything and asked about Sehun. I didn't know what to do so I just said I didn't know much."
"Thank you, what was he thinking?"
"Who asked about me?" I didn't want to be hidden anymore.
"Sehun! Hi, how was your nap?"
"Good, who asked about me?"
"That's great! How about some cake, yeah? Then after, presents!"
"Tell me." Suho bit his lip and hesitated for a second. He sighed and put his cup down.
"Lu Han was in town, he paid for the boba drinks and asked Kai about you." If I went with Kai then I would have seen him.
"He begged me to tell him about you but I panicked, I'm sorry, Sehun."
I looked at the boba and hugged it close to me. He's so sweet, I love him.
"It's okay, what kind of flavor is the cake?"
Kai and Suho looked at each other in amusement, they smiled right after.
"It's your favorite, but before we eat some cake, let's eat some food, D.O. cooked up some meat and we helped make sushi, just for you!" I smiled and sipped my drink, knowing Lu Han was near it.
I need help, don't I?
Yeah, yeah I do.
"Sehunnie, come with me!" Baekhyun pulled me to his room, this is nice.
"What is it?"
"I'll get in trouble if I tell you this, but you need to unblock Lu Han from your phone and speak to him. You're suffering without him and for fuck's sake, it's been over a year! Speak to him, at least say hi or something."
I sigh but comply with his request. I pick up the phone and do what it's necessary to call the love of my life.
"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service." This is my karma, isn't it?
"He didn't answer. He's probably busy, maybe he's handling some legal business."
"Try later, or he might call you back. Now here, open your present!"
"How about we go eat first? I'll open it with the rest."
"Fine, but if I get yelled at, you better back me up." I squint at him. Something isn't right but I'm too focused on Lulu right now.
"Guys time to eat!" Baekhyun skips over to the kitchen, leaving me in my own thoughts. I guess it's time to eat.
"Thank you, everyone. I've been a real pain in the ass this past couple of months."
"Of course you have, but we understand and love you. We hope you know that." I smile at Jongdae, he deserves better. The other members laugh and pat my back as well as smack the back of his head.
I love it.
"Time to eat!" Chanyeol cheers and raises his glass, smiling at me then whispers something to Kyungsoo, in which he gets flustered but smiles. Baekhyun looks at them both with betrayal flashing in his eyes. Jongin pats his back and raises his glass.
I need someone like everyone else does.
Baekhyun has Jongin, Jongdae has Minseok, Junmyeon had Kris but now has Yixing, Chanyeol has Kyungsoo, and me? I have the boba my king paid for.
I really need help. Yeah, I really do.
I need somebody, someone who will yank me out of my thoughts and kiss me like there was no tomorrow.
Lu Han, will you be that someone?
Chapter 8: Take Me Home
Home is where the heart is.
That was some good food, I'm still wondering if Lu Han will call me back.
I have a feeling he won't.
This is nice.
"Let's open presents, yeah?" Suho clapped his hands together, excited for me to open boxes of socks and underwear.
"Open mine last!" Of course, Baekhyun says that.
I start opening things up, as expected I get socks and underwear from most of them; although, there's one present that has a present that has two names.
It says, "To Sehun, from Kris and Tao, we hope you like it!" The package seems old.
I don't open it.
"C'mon, I found this the other day, before both of them left. Please?" The oldest gave me puppy eyes which is highly unusual.
"Fine." I open it and it's a stack of limited addition manga with action figures. I try not to cry.
"Do you like it?" It's not even an important age, why am I getting this now?
"Yeah, yeah I like it." I stutter in between but manage, keep it together.
"Thank you for finding this." He pats my back and stands up with the rest.
"Wait, you guys didn't even wait for mine!" Baekhyun shoves them all back into their seats and runs to his room like a mad one.
"I bet it's some dirty toy he found online."
"Chanyeol shut your pie hole!" Suho throws him a pillow and Chen smacks him upside the head.
"Okay, here." Baekhyun hands me a flat, wrapped box, I open it.
It's a picture of Lu Han and me after the first time we played Overdose. Man, he looked fine as hell.
They look mad.
"Like hyung did, I found this while cleaning up."
"Whoa, you cleaned up?" I joked and he pouted.
"Shush! You don't have to keep it." He took it back. Please, don't take him away.
"No, I love it. I have to ask, though, why are you guys giving all of this now? I mean, it's not all that important. I'm just turning a year older."
"We thought you might need it! No more questions, we have a busy day tomorrow." I sat there confused out of my mind but kept quiet.
They went to their rooms while I gathered the rest of my belongings, the bunny stayed back.
"Go to sleep."
"Sehun, do you really like it?"
"The picture I love. It's the only thing I want to look at right now."
"You're welcome." He leans down and messes up my hair.
That night, I don't sleep alone.
-April 20, 2016-
From me to you.
Today's the day that Lu Han was born, the day the love of my life was brought into the world.
I will always thank his parents for what a wonderful, independent, beautiful child they created. It's amazing what people can do.
"Hi! This is Lu Han! I'm sorry I'm too busy to answer but I will try to return! Please leave a message!"
"Happy birthday, I hope you're doing well. Call me back when you get this, you don't have to if you don't want to, I just thought you could. Okay, I'm going to stop, bye."
I need to stop doing this to myself.
I really wish they hadn't told me he was asking about me.
"Hey, so I'm just going around and asking if you guys maybe wanted to write a song as a group, or maybe a duet." Chanyeol's eyes were full of hope and happiness, I want that.
"I'm up for either one but you know that they'll just credit the song to someone else." His smile fell.
"You're right." I ruined it.
"No, maybe I'm wrong! Let's try! Our song will be so good, they have to give us credit." Chanyeol gives a bright smile, showing his perfect white teeth and pink gums.
I can tell why Baekhyun was down.
"That's the spirit! I'll gather everyone together!"
"Wait, can I talk to you privately? You know, with the door closed and everything."
"Yeah, of course. Something wrong?" He closes the door, I guide him to sit next to me.
"Actually, yes. Something is wrong. Why have you been ignoring Baekhyun?" Chanyeol looks away, I can see feel the tension rise throughout his body.
"I can't tell you."
"You'll tell him, and if he knows, he'll get hurt."
"He's already hurt! You lying and sneaking behind his back isn't helping out you nor him."
"I know, it's just, not now. I can't say now, wait okay? Just a couple more weeks."
"I don't know what's going on but you better have a good explanation." He nods and leaves.
-Later That Day, Jongdae's POV-
First Jongin now me?
What the actual hell is going on with him?
"Jongdae? I asked you something and I sort of expect an answer."
"Yeah! Yeah, sorry I blanked out for a moment there. Sehun's doing well. Nothing to be concerned about."
"Are you sure? Does he know I changed my number? Oh dear, if he called me I might have just missed my chance..."
"Why do you care so much for him? Why now? Out of all the times, you had, at most." Whoa there, control yourself.
"What do you mean?" His perfect, annoying face looked so confused.
"I mean, you cared very little when you were in EXO, now you show up out of nowhere and fuck up with his mind. He's unstable right now and all this news is killing him!"
"That's the thing, you never think. You didn't think about Minnie, nor the leader, none of us. And definitely not Sehun, if you just stopped for others then no one would be in this mess." Okay now is the time to calm down, child.
Lu Han went into silent mode and sat up from his seat. He smiled slightly and handed me a paper napkin with some numbers scribbled on it.
"Give it to him, I'm sorry for making you all think that but I'm not sorry about leaving."
No, no, be quiet, youngling, it's a good thing it's night or else the news and articles would be exploding.
-At 01:00, April 21, 2017, Sehun's POV-
I can feel someone standing outside my door, it seems like they have too much pride.
"How long do you think they'll stand there?"
"I don't know, a few minutes." Suho and I gave small glances to the door, waiting for someone to barge in because no one has boundaries when you've lived with each other for four years.
The person leaves and opens the bathroom door, I'm guessing he threw something away because two doors closed after that. One to the restroom and the other to a bedroom.
"Oh well, time to sleep! We have a big day ahead of us!"
-Morning, ???'s POV-
Sehun does his daily routine before a busy day.
Although, when he cleans up around the toilet he sees the napkin with his number on it.
He made a rookie mistake just throwing those types of things away.
"What the hell? Is this what that person threw away? Is it a number?" He turns and sees me.
"Hyung! You scared me, do you know what this is?" I shake my head.
"Try calling it, maybe you'll get your answer." I wink and he gives me a bullshit look.
"If this is a prank I'm going to destroy your precious wolf blanket."
As we ride to our first event of the day, I try texting the number on the napkin.
"Chen, you will be..." The voices fade away.
"You got that? Sehun?"
"Yeah?" Our manager sighs and explains again.
"I got it."
"Where did you get that?" Chen looks at me in horror, he must be the person who was standing by our door for ten minutes.
"I found it, it had my name written under."
"I-It was going to be a prank but I decided against it! Don't worry, I'll just throw it out for you." I obeyed, I didn't want anything bad to happen no matter how weird he was acting.
He rips the napkin and stuffs the pieces in his bag.
Minseok stares at him for the longest time before shaking his head in pure disappointment, Jongdae simply looks out the window.
The world must be punishing us, no one's happy, no one is joking around.
Everything is boring.
My life is boring.
I feel like I don't belong.
Someone take me home before I get kicked out.
It's going to happen soon, you know.
Just take me, things are different behind closed doors.
Chapter 9: Destiny
This isn't destiny.
Hello! I am trying to post the best I can, thank you all for almost 1000 hits! I never thought this would happen ;;;
-May 28, 2016-
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I left EXO.
It would be a lot calmer.
No more horrible thoughts, no more disappointment, no more heartbreak.
"Sehun, it's time."
"I'll be there in a minute."
"I'm sorry, but we don't have a minute."
-May 31, 2016-
I think I have a free day today, some of the members are doing their own schedules.
It's nice to just be relaxing even if we have a few hours.
"You have no right in coming here."
"Please, I just want to talk for a moment."
"No, fuck you. Get out before I kick your ass."
"First of all, watch your damn language."
"Like you should be talking."
"Whatever, I still need to talk to you about something."
"Something or someone? If this is about Sehun I'm not saying a single thing. He's been trying to reach you for the past- you know what, you don't need to know."
"I gave Chen my new number, I thought he gave it to him..."
"See, that's where you mess up. You gave it to the person that kind of hates more than everyone else."
"He... hates me?"
"I'm sorry, but yeah, he does. I know Jongdae tries to be nice to everyone but when it comes down to people he cares about, he changes."
Lu Han looked down at the floor, I think he feels as he reached a whole new level of low.
Where the kindest, friendliest person in the world dislikes him.
"I didn't mean for anything like this to happen, I just wanted to see my family, live my life... I didn't know it would cost my only friends..."
I felt bad for him at that moment, but at the same time, I didn't.
"If you want, I'll text Sehun your new number, I promise." He smiled and wrote down his number on my hand, great."
"I hope you'll do well on your show tonight, I'll be watching!"
Chanyeol is singing, his voice is almost as beautiful as Lu Han's.
One day, I pray that I see Lu Han, I pray that I'll be able to see his pink lips, his pale, exquisite skin, his engaging silky, smooth hair.
I miss his laughs, I miss his small insults at other members, I miss his arresting laugh, I miss it all.
I miss his adorable interactions with the other members, I miss him.
I don't know how I got from Chanyeol's singing to Lu Han's features.
I'm really messed up.
I need help.
"Sehun, I-I didn't know you were there."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, I'll just leave."
"No! Stay, I could use some advice."
"From me? No way, I don't know anything-"
"It's okay, I don't either, I learn by ear, remember?" I do remember. Such a talented human being and he's still clueless.
I sit down next to him, staring at his slender fingers glide through the strings of the instrument. Park Chanyeol is... stunning... winsome... I don't know why he's at SM Entertainment when he can make more and be more without us.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, anything for you."
"Why are you here? You would be better off solo than to be dragged down in this group." He looked surprised, I shouldn't have asked.
"I'd rather be part of a group than to be glamorous, sure I could be going solo, but I'd rather have more experiences with friends than by myself."
I definitely shouldn't have asked that.
"I'm sorry... I don't know why I asked that."
"It's okay, you were just curious, how are you by the way?" He squeezed my shoulder and looked at me straight in the eye.
"I've been better. How is it with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun?" I choked on some words, he just kept staring so intensely.
He chuckled, his deep voice was cloaked in exhaustion.
"They turned their backs on me, I feel like my world is crashing down, to be honest."
"I see, Baekhyun has been hanging out with him more."
"Yeah, this group isn't going to last long is it?" My mouth formed a tight line, I didn't know what to say.
"I don't know, I hope we last the longest. Even if we have our ups and downs, I hope we one day become like Shinhwa." He smiled and put his guitar down, I feel like I should be getting prepared for something.
"Keep me company for a couple of days, I'll ask Suho to switch rooms with me, it'll be nice, you know?" I've been asked this too many times. I couldn't bring myself to say no, so I nodded.
"Thanks, I hope we bond more." I don't feel safe, I shouldn't feel this way.
Is this going to be my destiny?
Am I supposed to be passed around and betrayed in a single second?
Chapter 10: Danger
As soon as there is life there is danger.
-June 1, 2016-
It's day one of Park Chanyeol.
He snores in his sleep.
"Hey, is now a good time to talk?" Yixing seems to be concerned about something.
"Yeah, I'm all alone here, which is odd." He smiles and sits on Suho's bed, which is temporarily Chanyeol's.
"So the other day, something happened."
"I ran into, well, you know who..."
"H-He's in town?"
His eyes, what has he done to him?
"Yeah, he is. I kind of argued with him."
"H-He gave me his number, he got a new one."
"He did? T-That's good, when do you think you'll talk to him?"
"Sehun, I'm going to be as honest as I can with you."
"I'm never going to talk to him because he gave me this number to give to you. It seems like he wants to talk to you about something. I don't know what, but he did. He also made the mistake of giving his damn number to the wrong person."
"Who did he give it to?"
"Doesn't matter, I'll be kicking his ass later."
"Okay, well thank you..." The kid just kept staring at the number.
He needs help.
"This is Lu Han, please leave a message after the beep!"
For a moment I couldn't breathe, his voice hadn't changed one bit.
"Hey, it's me, Oh Sehun, I heard you gave your number to Yixing and I got excited. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. C-Call me if you want, I still have the same number."
"Hey, help me pick out a shirt?"
Chanyeol is shirtless.
Baekhyun should be here instead of me.
Hell, Kyungsoo should still be here instead of me.
"How about the red one? It would go well with your hair and the jacket."
"Where are you going?" He blushes.
"Out, with someone."
"Well, it's more of some people."
"Like the two who ditched you?" He's quiet.
"See you later." I hate this. My phone rings.
He jumps for it.
"This is Chanyeol, Sehun's only source of laughs!"
"Chanyeol? Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while. Can you pass me to Sehun? It's urgent."
"Sorry, you got the wrong number." He hangs up.
"Who was it?"
"Oh, some idiot got the wrong number. Here, wish me good luck!"
I smile at him.
Everyone's getting good lying.
I called the wrong number back.
"Hello, I'm sorry for the rude one before, who is this?"
"Sehun, it's me."
What did I do to deserve this?
'H-Hi, how are you?"
"I'm doing good! I heard what's been going on, can we meet?"
"Um, when are you free?"
"End of this month, actually."
"Alright, I'll book a flight, oh and Lu, I've missed you.."
"Sorry what? I didn't get that last part."
"Nothing! It's nothing, listen I have to go, goodbye."
"Okay, bye love."
He hung up after that.
I can't believe that he picked up.
And why Chanyeol would do that.
"I know you're out there."
"I'm sorry, it's just, I don't want you to get hurt more than you already are."
"Minseok hyung, why is it so bad that we meet?"
"Because! He leaves without saying a fucking word and now he thinks it's okay to come back and pretend like nothing ever happened! It's complete and utter bullshit. You know this but your poor heart just wants love and there's plenty of that here." His face was red.
I've never seen him this mad.
"I didn't know you felt that way..."
His expression softened.
"It's just, you don't deserve any of this. He told me to keep an eye on you whenever he was gone, like if he went to the store or to China for some activities. I never thought this is what he was thinking of."
"I know you're hurt, Minseok, but he had his own reasons to leave. Sure it wasn't right for him to leave without saying anything but that doesn't mean we have the right to judge him for it."
"You really care for him, huh?"
I stayed quiet.
"I get where you're coming from, but be careful okay?"
I nod at the elder's words.
"What's up with Chanyeol by the way?"
"Honestly, I don't know. He's being a weirdo, and so is everyone else."
"Can't argue with you there."
"Want me to leave."
"Not that kind of tired." His face fell.
"If it makes you feel better, Jongin brought your favorite boba, it's in the fridge if you want it."
"Tell him I said thank you." I smiled a bit.
I need to stop being negative.
Why is it that I'm still this way when it's been years since he left?
Why am I doing this to myself?
"Yeah, of course! I'll send him in here, I don't want you to be alone right now."
Not like I have a choice anyway.
I leave Sehun in there with him. Sehun seems to be more comfortable talking to someone close to his age.
I see Chanyeol, that fucker.
"You need to work on your lying. He saw right through it."
"He told you?"
"Nope, but you just did."
"I'm sorry, but I'd wish he'd just get over him already."
"It's not that easy."
"It's been years. He needs to move on."
"Lu Han was his first love. And it was unrequited. You think it's going to take a week to get over him? When it's teasing and touching at first but boom! He's gone the next fucking day?"
"Sehun needs to grow up! He's a grown ass man."
"His body might be but that doesn't mean his mentality is."
"Whatever, I'm not changing what I think."
"No one asked you to, dumbass."
"Who you callin' a dumbass?"
"Me, see, example right there!"
"Oh fuck you Kim Minseok."
"Right back at you Park Chanyeol."
"You know I can kick your ass in a single second."
"I'd like to see you try."
His face grew red.
"That's not how you talk to your seniors!"
He clenched his fists and raised them up like he was going to try to punch the shit out of me.
Suho came right in time though.
"Whoa, whoa, what's going on? Put that fist down or your ass isn't going to be the only thing going to be kicked."
"He called me a manwhore!"
"Oh suck it up!"
"Okay, okay, calm down you two. Apologize to each other right now, or you'll be cleaning the kitchen for a month."
"That's not fair!"
"We're not kids!"
"Then stop acting like it!"
We went quiet.
"I'm sorry, try to understand more, he's different."
"Yeah, I guess I went too far. I'm sorry, too."
"Good, now get out, your asses pissed me off."
"Damn Suho, got your briefs in a twist?"
"No, but is your existence?"
"... I'll figure that out later."
What's all that yelling?
"Hello, Sehun, are you calling to book a flight?"
"Yes, to China on June 28, it's a quick trip."
"Okay, may I ask the reason?"
"Let's just say I'm meeting a producer."
"Oh! Interesting! Is it really a producer or you just making it up?"
"I'd rather not say."
"Alright, well you have a midnight flight and will be there in the early morning!"
I hang up the phone. I hope this is worth whatever sanity I have left.
Am I in danger to myself?
Maybe I am just a sick person.
Maybe I just need some damn help from a person that didn't cause what I'm feeling right now.
Like people say, danger is all around you.
Chapter 11: Thank You For Everything, Kim Jong-hyun
Not an update.
I just wanted to say how heartbroken I am about the death of Kim Jong-hyun. He was one of my greatest inspirations and kept me going through all my troubles. It seriously doesn't feel real, like time has been frozen and then smashed with a hammer. My heart hurts so much, it's so heavy. I can't believe that this happened, I really can't. I woke up only to see this news pop up all over my social media. It hurts so much, knowing he's gone. That we'll never see that smile again, we'll never hear his angelic voice echo through the stages he performs at. Knowing that his presence is only to be remembered and not felt. I send all my condolences and blessings to his family, friends, and fans. I really hope we can recover from this, Jonghyun is within our hearts and he'll never be forgotten. Remember that. I love you all so much and I hope that if you're going through a tough time that you get help. If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.
Chapter 12: Not A Day Goes By
I don't know what this is, I'm still recovering from his death.
He did well.
Enjoy this chapter.
-June 27, 2016-
"Oh Sehun, you've been assigned to EXO-M."
EXO-M still exists?
"What does that mean?"
"It means you'll be sent to China next week."
"Actually I'm going tonight, I have some things to attend to. My manager knows about it."
"Okay, that's good, you have everything packed?"
"Well only for two days but I can pack for more."
-Later That Day-
"I can't believe you're doing this." Xiumin is mad.
"He's hurt you enough!" Chanyeol is worried.
"Stay, please! You can find someone else!" Jongdae begged.
"Can't you guys support me just this once? I've done so much for you all, I'm just asking this of you."
They all went quiet.
"I'll drive you."
The unexpected Baekhyun strikes again.
"Really?! No, you will not take him!" Chanyeol is now mad.
"This is his own choice! If he really wants to do this then he will. Whatever he does will be on him, not us."
The room is once again filled with silence.
-June 28, 2016-
"Welcome! Enjoy your stay!"
Where is he?
"Sehunnie." My eyes widen, my heart starts racing, my lungs feel like they're collapsing.
"Lu Han..." I notice his eyes start to tear up.
Fucking hell I see him for a second and I already made him cry.
"Sehun, it's really you..." Lu Han stares at him with hopeful, bright eyes. The person he betrayed and hurt to the bone is right in front of him.
Sehun stares at him, feeling the world condense around his fragile body.
"You've grown so much, they must be taking good care of you.." Lu Han reaches for Sehun's hand, but Sehun violently withdraws himself.
"I-I'm sorry, it's a habit." Sehun smiles gently at him. Admiring his soft features and how much they had matured over the course of time.
"It's you who's changed Lu, you've become much happier and relaxed."
"No, no, please, I haven't changed."
"You have, you just haven't noticed it." Lu Han stays quiet but smiles at the youngling.
In that moment, Sehun and Lu Han take the chance to just admire how much they have grown.
From Lu Han's clean skin to his small figure twirling around the room. From his soft expressions to his thin waist, small enough to wrap arms around and hold him like the world was ending.
From Sehun's flowing hair, to his height booming to the skies. From his pretty pink lips to his large hands, big enough to fit the whole world.
And with that, Lu Han loved them.
"You hurt me so much." Sehun looked at him with salty tears falling down his lean face.
"I know, and I want to make up for it, I promise I will." Lu Han touched his arms and gave them a light squeeze, scared that if he squeezed too hard he would break.
"What happened? What made you feel like this towards me?" Sehun peeled his hands off of him. As much as he loved the touch, he needed answers.
The words that came out of his member's mouths kept attacking him.
"Well after I left, I kept thinking about you."
"Why didn't this happen when you were in Korea? When you were next to me and I was mentally okay?"
"I don't know, okay? I really don't know why this would happen at such a bad time."
"I've been trying to keep this in the back of my head because I just wanted you to love me like I love you. It seems like to me you got bored and decided to fuck me up again."
"Where the hell is this all coming from? Sehun I would never do that to you, never in a million years!"
"I can't get them out of my head, I can't get their voices out, I can't get images out, I just want to be free from being hurt so much. I'm just, I'm just tired."
Everything went quiet.
Everyone went quiet.
"Then leave, Sehun come on, we both know what it's like."
"Lu Han, I'm not just tired of the industry, not just the people, I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being here, dragging myself through each day knowing it's not going to get better."
"But it is! It will get better, I know it."
"How?" Sehun's voice is shaky, breaking every so often.
"Because I'll make it better, I will. No matter what it takes, I will make it better."
"Why do you care?" Lu Han breaks almost completely as Sehun speaks this.
This man that has millions fawning over him, has people following around because they care and love him dearly.
"I care because I love you. Not a day goes by that I'm not."