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what we do in the shadows

Chapter Text

“How do I look?” Seokjin hums as he holds an ivory silk cravat to his neck. “Do I look dead and delicious?”

Yoongi glances from where he’s scribbling on score paper. Seokjin saw the corners of his mouth twitch. “You got the dead part down alright.” He looks back down and continues to scribble. “As in, your fashion sense is dead.”

Seokjin scoffs. “That was the worst joke I've heard in my LIFE and I’ve been alive for a LONG time, I'll have you know.” He storms out of the room that he shared with the delightful Yoongi, to seek validati- no, constructive criticism, from his favourite unproblematic flatmate.

“Jiminie, does this silk match my damask waistcoat?” He holds the cravat to his neck again and beams at Jimin, waiting to be peppered with the sweetest compliments and the cutest smiles. Jimin looks up from where he was laying out his Urban Decay palettes on the duvet.

“Hyung, you know that you are the most handsome vampire in the entire world,” Jimin says as he adjusts his red satin choker and pats the lint off his midnight blue suit jacket, a luxe velvet piece that held up well over the years. “You make everything, and anything work! Slay.”

Seokjin smiles fondly at his unproblematic favourite and moves to perch on the edge of Jimin’s bed. Jimin had started on a smoky eye look but the thing about being what they were, was that you can’t see how you exactly look like. And when you’re living in the same house as a certain Namjoon, mirrors don’t have a very long life expectancy and they all gave up on having mirrors around the house (“This is why we can’t have nice things. No, not even for decor,” Hoseok had said sulkily to a quiet Namjoon after the last mirror shattered). Jimin picks up the Urban Decay Smoky Palette and holds it out to Seokjin. “Hyung, can you help me with my makeup? I’m getting a bit frustrated.”

Seokjin takes the palette and picks up a fluffy brush for blending in what Jimin had started. “What look are you going for tonight?”

“Hm… dead and delicious?”

Perfect.”

 

“We look like a boy band” Jimin says with a slight hop in his walk. “Although we do need two more members to recreate that music video that Hoseokie-hyung found on YouTube the other day.”

“I could’ve sworn they stole our look,” Seokjin huffs, fussing over the bishop sleeves of his silken button down. “That guy even had the audacity to wear the exact same outfit in that MV as I did for my birthday last year. The jeweled collared shirt! The pink hair! Oh my Vlad!” Seokjin stops walking and the other four pause in their tracks. Yoongi moves aside to let an elderly woman and her gigantic German Shepherd pass. He manages to sneak a pat. “I bet you he thinks he’s the most handsome being in the entire universe.”

“He is quite good looking,” Yoongi offers unhelpfully. Seokjin makes a gargled screech and continues walking, his dress shoes making a satisfying but somewhat impatient click clack on the pavement. It was the cue to continue on their journey.

“Has anyone noticed that they look exactly like us?” Jimin asks after a period of no talking and click clacks.

“Maybe we are just mere paradoxes in this universe, and they are the original,” Namjoon muses.

“I've only been able to see myself in selfies and GoPro videos,” Hoseok replies wistfully.

“Well, they can’t look exactly like us, Jimin,” Seokjin says. “For one, I think we all look better than them. A thousand fold.”

“I just find it uncanny that Jin looks really, really similar to you, Seokjin-hyung,” Jimin presses on. “Suga looks like Yoongi-hyung. J-hope resembles Hoseokie-hyung. Rap Monster, Namjoonie-hyung. I have the same name as Jimin.”

“I think it’s just a harmless coinkydink,” Yoongi waves his hands dismissively and yawns.

“Well, you can think all you want but I’m sure that this is a conspiracy,” Jimin says, slightly agitated. “I’ll find us a Jungkook and a V, and we’ll see what happens next.”

“Methinks a conspiracy theorist I shall play,” Namjoon says. Jimin beams at his conspiracy partner and they hi-five.

They step up to the nightclub and join the queue. Seokjin fidgets with his cravat nervously and tries to ignore the stares from fellow clubbers.

“My, you are one good looking guy,” a scantily clad girl says to him coolly.

“Thanks,” he replies, slightly embarrassed.

“Aren’t you hot?” She finger-walks across the broadness of his chest and settles her hand on his cravat. “Are you guys” she eyes the rest of the crew “here for a themed party or something?”

“Oh, no, no,” Seokjin removes her hand as politely as he could. He thinks about the last time he made a solid meal out of a pretty human. “Just here to have fun.”

“Sure. Well, I’ll see you around, pretty boy.” She winks at him, hands the bouncer her ID, and steps into the booming club, stilettos and mini skirt gone in a blink.

“See? The cravat seems to be a thing with the ladies,” Hoseok says to him cheerfully. “You’re definitely not overdressed. Everyone else is just severely underdressed.”

“Look, Jimin isn’t even wearing a shirt under his suit jacket,” Yoongi adds in. “He’s the epitome of ‘hoe but make it fashion.’”

Hoseok, Seokjin and Yoongi turn to look at Namjoon, who was wearing a deep, deep v silk shirt and a matching choker.

“Goodness gracious, even Namjoon has his own definition of ‘hoe but make it fashion’ going on” Yoongi says in disgust.

“Pectorals exposed for the possessors of the Y chromosome,” Namjoon says to them in monotone. “Seriously though, guys? I asked you all for feedback and you said I looked fine.”

The bouncer greets them with a hard smile as he eyes their fashion choices. “Nice combo,” he says gruffly to Namjoon. Namjoon grins and Hoseok pokes at his dimples.

“Good evening,” Jimin says politely. They surrender their IDs. “Would you be able to invite us into the club, please?”

The bouncer cocks his head at him. He hands the IDs back. “Just walk in.” He grunts.

“Yeah, but can you INVITE us in,” Jimin says, voice tinted with minor desperation.

“I don't understand what you mean…” The bouncer, remembering Jimin’s date of birth, adds in an unsure, hesitant “...sir”

“We need you to invite us into the club, mister!” Hoseok peers over Jimin’s head.

“I don’t get what you’re playing at, gentlemen, but you better not be messing with me” the bouncer says gruffly.

"Just INVITE us INSIDE, plEASe" Jimin says, voice rising an octave as irritation shakes through his being.

“Alright man, so what we’re doing is that we’re cosplaying vampires yeah? Like the ones from Twilight yeah? And well, vampires need to be invited into places in order to actually enter the place.” Namjoon doesn’t break a sweat. “So if you could PLEASE kindly allow our roleplay to roll as smoothly as possible, that would be great, by inviting us in, we need your invitation, please, for this roleplay” 

“That sounds kinky,” the bouncer says, confused. “You mean like, ‘would you guys like to come in?’... like that?”

“YES” Jimin puts a bedazzled foot cautiously through the door. “Yeeeee that worked! Thank you so much!” He does a 90 degree bow and hops inside. The others follow suit and as Namjoon passes him, the bouncer says “I just really appreciate your outfit tonight, sir, takes a lot of guts to pull that off.”

Namjoon couldn’t help but let the dimpled smile sit on his face for the rest of the night.

 

The drinks in Jungkook’s clammy hands spill and splash everywhere. Irritation was brewing up inside and he almost snaps at the next person who bumps into him - by the time he reached the table that he left Taehyung at, twenty bucks of booze was splashed over his Timberlands and all that was left in the cups were ice cubes, already beginning to melt.

“Hey, I’m back.” Jungkook slides into the booth and comes face to face with definitely-not-Taehyung. He almost drops the drinks, or whatever was left of them, as he stood up abruptly. “Sorry, wrong table.” He slides back out and resurveys the booths at this forsaken club when realisation dawns upon him that Taehyung was not actually in any of the booths.

He whips out his phone and tries calling him but it went straight to voicemail. Jungkook lets out a frustrated yell and lets his head throb with the heavy doof doof of the bass.

 

“I love your outfit,” the guy in aviator glasses yells at him over the music.

Jimin sniffs and sips his Bloody Mary. “Thank you.”

The guy takes off his glasses and holds out his free hand. “I’m Taehyung. Kim Taehyung. You come here much?”

Jimin does a double take and grips Taehyung’s hand almost immediately. “Park. Jimin. I just wanted to say, you EXACTLY look like V -” he does a one over and takes in all the fine details. “- you dress exactly like him too. Is that Gucci?” He gestures at the floral print shirt.

“Yes that’s Gucci!” Taehyung beams at him. “Oh, I love V! From BTS, yeah? He’s so handsome and cool, he’s such an enigma.”

“Do you happen to know a JK?” Jimin shoots at him.

“JK? Jungkook?” Taehyung rubs the back of his neck. “Oh. Yeah, he’s in here somewhere, getting drinks. I got bored waiting for him so I took off and look what happens when you listen to your heart and feet! You make a new friend! What are the chances though, that your name is Jimin -”

“Listen,” Jimin presses on. He abandons his Bloody Mary and shakes Taehyung by the shoulders. “Listen to me. Me and my posse of really, really cool hyungs are planning to go back to our place for some good old fashioned drinking games, with irresponsible gambling involved. Would you like to come along?” He locks eyes with Taehyung and the V-imposter’s eyes go glassy.

“Would you like to come along?” Jimin repeats softly and all Taehyung could hear was the sweet voice of Park Jimin over the buzz of their muted surroundings.

“Yeah.”

“Call your friend Jungkook for me too, yeah? We can’t leave him out of this, can we?”

 

Namjoon’s phone buzzes unrelentlessly as he tries to enjoy his beer. He peers at his phone and sees that it was his conspiracy theorist buddy, Jimin, who was bombarding his phone with kakaotalk notifications. Sighing, he unlocks his phone.

 

International Playboy Chimx2

Hyuk

Hyuinh

Hyunh

hyung

HYUNG!! I’VE CAUGHT TWO

PEOPLE

WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE V AND JK FROM BTS

IM BRINGING THEM BACK TONIGHT …..!!!

KNJ

Oh what? Already?

What are you planning to do?

International Playboy Chimx2

We are going to Turn them

KNJ

Uhhhhhhhhhh i dunno how sj-hyung would feel

about that

I think he would want 2 eat them

International Playboy Chimx2

Well

Not if we Turn them first

Anyways

head home first i’ll get there after u w these 2

And we’ll Turn them

Then we’ll gather everyone in the same room

Then we shall see if our universe and the BTS universe collides and whatever quantum physics, quarks and sparks shit happens

Did u remember to charge the gopro?

We need to vlog this shit

KNJ

I dont think thats how it works but okay? I’m leaving now

And no it was yg-hyung’s turn with the GoPro last

Alrighttyyyyy see u soon

International Playboy Chimx2

Alrighty l8ers!!!

 

Namjoon presses the beer against his forehead and lets his mind cloud with endless theories about alternate universes.

 

Jungkook and Taehyung were awkwardly seated on one of the many cream coloured couches in the vast lounge room. Jungkook couldn't help biting his nails - something felt so, so, so off about the entire situation.

“So,” Taehyung begins, completely oblivious to Jimin setting down newspaper over every surface and donning a raincoat. “Where’s the party at?”

“I just need to cover the settee - Seokjin-hyung got so mad at Yoongi-hyung after he turned his peach chaise red. Sorry could you lift your feet?” Jimin lays down a thick layer of newspaper under Taehyung’s bare feet. “Thank youuuuuuu”

Jungkook turned his attention to the other guy, who stood super tall in his clear raincoat and black rainboots. He couldn’t remember his name and sure, he had a disarmingly bright smile, but there was something off about the oddly… sad? look on his face.

 

Namjoon excuses himself and ducks into the bathroom. He had broke into the room that Yoongi-hyung and Seokjin-hyung shared and stole the GoPro that sat atop Yoongi’s desk.

“Alright. Time to fire this up and vlog.” Namjoon presses on a silver button until the LCD screen lights up.

“Okay. Hey guys, it’s your boy Namjoon. It’s about 1am, KST, and Jimin and I are about to Turn two kids in order to test a conspiracy theory we’ve had brewing within our minds for quite some time. I ponder the consequences of our actions, but some things cannot go unanswered, such as, are we truly just doppelgangers of the popular Korean human boy group BTS? Are they our doppelgangers? Or are we misplaced in this universe, existing as paradoxes, just waiting for the moment for our respective paths to cross and for us to combust, tearing the fabrics of this current universe? Are we forsaking the billions of other lifeforms for gratification of satisfying our curiosities?

Anyways. We’ve put on some music, fed them soju, and now Jimin is lining the floor, walls and furniture. It’s their last moment alive so why not make it a nice experience?”

Namjoon pauses for a moment.

“Turning doesn’t always go smoothly. Sometimes they don’t wake up after you’ve killed them and stuffed a bloody finger down their throat. Sometimes they’re allergic to my blood. Sometimes they choke on frothing so hard from shock. Sometimes they take their own lives, unable to cope with the fact that they’re now blood-drinking monsters who can only consume booze and blood. How could they possibly face their friends and family? And how would they explain their sudden change in behaviour without compromising the Undead community?

Now, my lovely DeadTube subscribers, let’s head outside. I’m going to hand the camera over to Jimin and he will film the Turning Process - the TP. Please enjoy, and a reminder to like and subscribe.”

Chapter Text

Jungkook didn’t know what he did in a past life to deserve what was happening to him. Sure, maybe in this current life, he ignored texts and swore at minors while playing Overwatch and sometimes forgot to take out the rubbish and sometimes take in the laundry from the balcony when the sky decides to rain horizontally, but he holds Taehyung’s ice cream when nature calls, and he remembers to call his parents at least once a week, so it all balances out. Yep, he definitely must’ve been a cradle snatcher in a past life. Or a traitor to his country.

“I think I punctured the main artery” Namjoon says weakly.

“No shit you did! Shit, shit, SHIT it’s going everywhere -” Jimin rushes forward with a towel but Namjoon drops Jungkook, causing the rapid spurt of blood to hit Jimin square in the forehead, and then at that delightful moment, Seokjin and Hoseok decide to waltz through the front door, pausing to gape at the blood fountain. Yoongi trails in after them, rubbing his belly contentedly.

They wrinkle their noses at Taehyung’s pale, lifeless body and Hoseok kindly covers him with leftover newspaper. He not-so-kindly nudges the body with a foot. Namjoon’s legs shake so much that he kicks the abandoned GoPro under one of the couches, praying to every higher being that none of them notice how on edge they were. (They don’t).

“Dear lord, did one of you hit that poor bunny’s main artery?”

“Uh,” Jimin and Namjoon glance nervously at each other.

“Oh my g*d MOVE you’re wasting this precious virgin blood!” Yoongi stumbles forward, shoves Jimin aside (Jimin goes flying, quite literally) and directs his open mouth to catch the spurts of liquid with high levels of expertise. Hoseok lets out a low whistle.

Jungkook was fading away. His vision was fading to white and the last thing he thinks about is how he should’ve stayed home to write that damn essay but that asshole Taehyung insisted on going out to that gaudy club in Itaewon - he’s gonna kill him after this -  

 

“Our monthly flat meeting will shortly commence - any who needs to use the bathroom should do so now, as you all know how much it annoys me when someone gets up and leaves during my MCing,” Seokjin says, peering at them over his glasses. No one moves. “Okay great. So let’s begin with a little reminder of the responsibilities that come with living in this house.”

Namjoon’s attention shifts when a note slides underneath his folded arms. He catches Jimin’s eye and glances over at the others, who were, unsurprisingly, starting to bicker.

“Last time I checked, it was Yoongi’s turn to do the dishes,” Seokjin says. He looks at his clipboard and cringes. “It’s been five years.”

“Vampires don’t do dishes” was Yoongi’s curt reply.

“Some of them do,” Hoseok chimes in.

“Yeah well, not serious ones,” Yoongi shoots back. “I don’t even understand why we, as vampires , even use dishes. I don’t know what you do, but I just suck them dry through the neck.”

“Some of us aren’t barbarians like you .” Seokjin says, wrinkling his nose. “Some of us like to sip from crystal wine glasses, thank you very much”

Namjoon unfolds the piece of paper. hyung, we’re running out of time... they’re starting to stink up our room.

Sometimes, just sometimes, Namjoon wished vampires were telepathic. He jerks his head towards the trio, who were now arguing about whether or not they should “acquire” human slaves. He makes a throat-cutting gesture and Jimin frowns at him. Jimin scribbles on his notepad and slides it over to his conspiracy partner. we need to Turn them before their bodies decompose… it’s been two days since we killed them. plus I want to vlog the Turning and then watch our footage, edit and upload

“We have to wait until they leave the house” Namjoon says aloud. “Oh shit, wait.” Jimin’s neck recedes into his shoulders.

The bickering stops and suspicious eyes settle on them.

“Are you for or against?” Seokjin asks, eyebrows raised.

“Against,” Namjoon says solemnly. Jimin makes a vague “ what he said ” facial expression and Hoseok pats Yoongi’s arm in sincere condolences. Yoongi groans.

“Then that’s settled. Yoongi, you’re washing the dishes and we will not be getting human slaves.” Seokjin removes his glasses and sets them on the table. “I can’t believe I’ve let you get away with not doing the dishes for five years.”

Yoongi stands up and yawns. “Our last flat meeting WAS five years ago.”

“Hyung, you should remember to remind him next time,” Hoseok offers unhelpfully.

Seokjin bangs his clipboard against his forehead.

 

It was nearing 6PM and Jimin was perched on the lid of Namjoon’s coffin feeling tense as f u c k. They were waiting for the other three to leave the house at the same time so that they could carry out with the Turning except Yoongi hardly leaves the house unless it was one of their scheduled weekly hunts and their last one was just two nights ago. And Turning involves a lot of Screaming, so they can’t exactly Turn Jungkook and Taehyung while Mr. Yoongi is under the same roof.

“They stinkkkkkk” Jimin whines, scrunching his nose as he watches Namjoon recline in his coffin, reading a tattered paperback. Namjoon hums absentmindedly as he turns the yellowed pages gingerly.

“Why don’t we just Turn them while the others are sleeping? The smell is driving me cray-ji.

Namjoon puts his book down, looks up at Jimin hovering above his coffin, and picks the book up again. “Patience, little one. Also, last time I checked, your roommate was Hoseok-hyung.”

“I like hanging out with you! Plus,” Jimin smiles one of his signature squinty smiles. “You’re my conspiracy buddy.”

“What if something bad actually happens?” Namjoon asks. “What if we’re not meant to exist in the same space as beings of the same nature?”

Jimin shrugs and inches towards the slowly decomposing bodies stuffed underneath Namjoon’s desk. “I guess we better find out?”

“Let’s wait until they all leave the house,” Namjoon begins but Jimin becomes a blur, sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor with Taehyung’s head cradled in his lap and the blood splattered GoPro in his hand.

“Oh gross, rigor mortis has set in,” Jimin groans, trying to unhinge the jaws of the corpse. “How am I supposed to feed him my blood?”

The other vampire rises from where he lay, in an excruciatingly dramatic and slow manner. “Jiminie, let’s not. It’s inappropriate at this time. Seokjin-hyung will have our asses cleaning the toilet for YEARS if he finds out you’ve been Turning people and that I’ve let you.”

A strange mixture of fondness and pity settled into his unbeating heart as he watched Jimin passionately struggling to open Taehyung’s mouth. The rigor mortis had set in strong in this one. Soon, Jimin’s pathetically cute struggling turned painful and Namjoon knew what he had to do. All thoughts about disturbing the peace in their abode flew out the window. They had a mission, a purpose, a goal, to push the boundaries of the universe and play with the line between mortal and the supernatural.

“Sorry baby, but you really don’t need all those teeth.”

And with that, Namjoon punches Taehyung’s mouth with all his strength, but all that happened was a whole heap of yelling and an unfortunate, disfigured vampire hand. Taehyung remained dead, with his jaw clenched tight and teeth impact, smelling like he hadn’t showered in days and, well, like he was dead. Jimin stopped the recording and made a mental note to edit that part out, later.

 

“I read somewhere that you can Turn someone by biting them and mingling your blood with their open wound,” Jimin says a while later, after Namjoon stopped wailing over his hand. It had sprung back after ten minutes, and surprisingly, none of the others had come in to check up on them. He moved the GoPro closer to Namjoon’s face. “So… who’ll chomp on Mr. Handsomely Dead here? Can you let our DeadTube viewers know?”

“It will be I,” Namjoon says, looking into directly into the camera. And so he bites Taehyung on the neck, scratches himself with a long nail, and presses his arm against the wound, all in one smooth movement.

He’s knocked over as Taehyung abruptly sits up.

There was a tense moment until Namjoon strikes him, hard, and Taehyung falls back down, out cold.

“Before the Screaming starts,” Namjoon explains and Jimin nods fervently. “Now let us move onto this little bunny.”

 

Nothing could stop the bloodcurdling screams that Jungkook belted out - not even the force of Namjoon’s punches could knock him out. The others were there in a flash (Namjoon couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that no one came flying when he smashed his hand against Taehyung’s mouth) and Seokjin shrieks in disbelief, adding to the existing chaos erupting from Jungkook

“Namjoon!!!!! I thought we talked about this!! Turning mortals!!!” Seokjin shrills, eyes widening as Jungkook rises slowly from the floor, still screaming, and dear lord did Namjoon want to crawl into his coffin and die.

“Hey aren’t those the guys that you two killed a few nights ago?” Hoseok asks, nudging Taehyung with a foot.

“Probably,” Jimin says, feigning nonchalance. Sweat glistened on his face like badly applied highlight. “I don’t remember.”

“Uh huh,” Hoseok says slowly, unconvinced.

Namjoon pulls weakly on the hem of Jungkook’s white shirt but Jungkook continued to yell and gain elevation, and soon he was plastered against the ceiling.

They all look at each other.

“Dibs not getting him down,” yawns Yoongi.

Taehyung continued to lie on the ground, knocked out cold.

Chapter Text

It took maybe, twenty or so minutes for Jungkook to stop his bloodcurdling screams, continuing to hover against the ceiling. Jimin held his mason jar up to his currently recording GoPro, frowned at the curdled blood now sitting in the cup, and spun around to show the others.

“That’s a Cantonese specialty food,” Hoseok says to him lightly. “That’s actually so innovative, Jiminie! How come we’ve never thought about making blood pudding?”

They all look at each other and shrug.

“Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is going on with me?”

They all peer up at Jungkook, who was wide eyed and sweating, and head twisted in a way that no mortal could. A bead of sweat dribbled down the length of his nose and splashed against Taehyung’s forehead. Taehyung’s eyes flicker open.

“And can someone kindly tell me who the fuck you people are? Where the fuck am I?”

There was a rather breathless pause. “Well, why don’t you explain to these little fledglings what you did to them?” Seokjin hisses, pushing Namjoon forward. “Go on.”

“S-Salutations,” Namjoon says. He shoots a glare at Jimin and Jimin gives him a double thumbs up. Honestly, fuck Park Jimin for getting him into this. “..........I’d like to introduce myself first. I am Namjoon, and I am a vampire dating from a few hundred years ago.” He gives the boy a moment to process this valuable, newly gained information. “I am also the leader of this group of vampires, as I was the one who turned them all.”

“But, hyung, I know that you turned us all, but how does that explain the fact that Jin-hyung, Yoongi-hyung and Hoseok-hyung are all older than you?” Jimin asks, now perching bird-like on Namjoon’s desk. The others look at each other.

“I don’t know, and don’t interrupt, please,” Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose and heaves a pained sigh.

“But you finished talking,” Hoseok adds in, unhelpfully.

“Yeah, what he said,” Jimin says, now rifling through one of the desk drawers.

There was a weak “can you not touch my things please” but Jimin doesn’t to be hearing anything as he starts shuffling the loose sheets of paper that were sitting harmlessly on the desk. He also doesn’t seem to hear the strangled noises that were coming out of his dearest hyung’s throat.

“So… I’m a vampire?” Jungkook whispers, ghosting a finger across his front teeth in anticipation of fangs. He peers down at them and notices Taehyung, lying on the floor partially obscured by Hoseok, blinking periodically. “Taehyung!” Jungkook doesn’t ever recall being so happy to see Kim fucking Taehyung.

“Oh dear,” Jimin says in a sing-song voice. “Looks like all seven of us are conscious in the same place at the same time!!! I wonder what’s going to happen!!???!!” Several moments pass without anything happening, and Jimin stops recording, pouting. Great. Now he has to edit that part out.

There was a tense silence as Taehyung struggled to rise, grunting and huffing. Jimin floated closer, with the GoPro poised in front of him, angled appropriately to capture the renaissance-esque moment that was unfolding in slow motion. He hovers, toes brushing the carpet, when he suddenly flips upside down and shoots straight up to the ceiling.

“Holy shit!” Taehyung exclaims.

"Holy shit!" Jungkook echoes. He gasps as realisation hits him, hard. “What am I gonna do about all my classes? And the agency?”

“What’s happening to us Kookie?!?”

“Salutations,” Namjoon begins. “I would like to introduce mysel -”

“Welcome to the family!” Jimin chirps, flying up to their positions on the ceiling and GoPro gripped firmly in his hand. “I am Jimin and I am your hyung. You are now part of our vampire posse.”

“We’re the coolest bunch of vampires in town,” Hoseok says from three metres below. "Except Namjoon didn't ask for permission if you two could join but you two are forgiven -"

There was a sudden, faint rapping coming from their front door and all seven of them freeze.

“Someone’s at the door,” Hoseok whispers.

“Dibs not answering the door,” Yoongi says immediately.

They make Namjoon answer the door.

“Oh,” Namjoon says as he cracks the door open. “Good evening officers.”

“Oh, hello,” the policeman says kindly. “I’m constable Kyungsoo and this is constable Wendy. We’re just responding to a report of a missing person being sighted in this particular area, and a rather large amount of shrieking… just, um, wondering maybe we could come in and have a wee look around?”

“I guess so,” Namjoon responds, feeling faint. He steps aside and lets them in.

“We’re obviously just here because there were a few phone calls from uh, members of the public about a bit of disturbance.” Kyungsoo continues, pointing his flashlight here, there. “Loud noises.”

They step into the house and Namjoon’s brain short-circuits. “You will not notice anything out of the ordinary,” he says to them solemnly.

“No, we certainly hope not,” Wendy responds brightly. “Lead the way.”

 

Yoongi tenses as he smells the approaching policemen. “We should kill them, Jin. What fools these mortals be, walking straight into a vampire den.”

“Look, we don’t need more police which might lead to Christians and that’s the last thing we need in this house.” Seokjin says, annoyed. Yoongi pouts and fixes his eyes on Taehyung trying to physically remove his feet from the ceiling, to no avail. The policemen step through the doorway with their flashlights and Namjoon trails in after them, praying to any higher being that his feeble hypnosis skills have an effect, any effect, on those mortals.

“Good evening boys! Sorry for the intrusion but we’re just doing the rounds, you know, police protocol and all, haha.”

Constable Wendy shines a torch up at Jungkook and Taehyung and audibly gasps. Kyungsoo turns to them, with a genuinely alarmed look on his face.

“Hey look at that! Not a smoke alarm in sight! No smoke detectors, mate. Rule number one. Smoke detectors.”

Seokjin nods furiously with a pained smile.

“You guys really should have some constructive dialogue about household safety” the policeman shines his torch on the blood splattered wall. “Quite a mess here, hey? Do we have a fussy eater in this household? Got a bit of gochujang thrown against this wall.”

“Oh yes, we have some…. young ones under our roof,” Seokjin says slowly, glancing at Jungkook and Taehyung.”Very fussy eaters aren’t you!” He coos at them, and immediately regrets being alive. The policemen make a comment about how cute the two fledglings were, and moved into the next room.

“Why don’t we kill them?” Yoongi mutters as the policemen wander through their house, shining their obnoxious flashlights at every nook and cranny. They make another “no smoke detectors!” comment and Yoongi’s eyes flash black and red.

Seokjin rolls his eyes at him. “Not yet. I want to see what other safety tips they have.”

 

They eventually remove Jungkook and Taehyung from the ceiling by physically scraping off the plaster that their bodies were stuck to, much to Seokjin’s dismay. The police officers had long gone, and Jimin (and a reluctant Namjoon) decided that it was their duty to take the newly Turned vampires on a mini house tour after they had all been acquainted. The others sat in the kitchen, taking out jars from the fridge and setting them on the counter to be curdled into blood pudding.

“That will definitely devalue our property,” he says with a hint of annoyance. “It’s not like you can just go over the patch with paint. It’s a crater!”

“I don’t think anyone would want to buy our place,” Hoseok says. “I mean, countless numbers of people have been killed here. Any mortal could feel the sinister linger of death.”

“Those two police officers didn’t sense anything,” Seokjin says, scribbling into his recipe journal.

“Those mortals were complete FOOLS” Yoongi mutters from his stool. “I still think we should’ve killed them.”

“That would cause quite a shitstorm,” Hoseok comments.

“Think about the amount of hypnotising and lying you’d have to go through,” Jin says curtly. “Not to mention the possibility of CHRISTIANS turning up at our doorstep. Yoongi, I think it’s a good idea if you actually thought about consequences to certain actions.”

“Reflect and review,” Hoseok adds. “We criticise you because we love you.” Yoongi rolls his eyes and decides against defending his honour. At that point, Jimin and Namjoon come back into the kitchen with the two vampire fledglings in tow.

“To be completely honest with you, I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds.... cool?” Jimin was gesturing vaguely. He looks up and finds Jungkook floating along the ceiling again . “Jungkook, what are you doing? Get down from up there.”

“I can’t - I don’t know how,” Jungkook says, annoyed. “I’ve been a vampire for less than 24 hours and you expect me to control all these awesome vampirey powers just like THAT?”

“Yes,” Yoongi replies, yawning. They all watch as Jungkook’s dirty Timberlands leave long, dark streaks against the tall kitchen ceiling as he struggled to detach himself. They all turn to watch Seokjin furiously shredding his cravat into thousands of pieces with his fangs. He stops shredding and stares at them, eyes squinting and voice shrill. “I just repainted that ceiling!!! Why doesn't anyone respect PROPERTY VALUE!!!!!”

“That’s why we should get human slaves,” Yoongi huffs. “But no one listens to me.”

“That’s immoral, hyung,” Taehyung says. “I mean, I was literally one just a few hours ago.”

“It’s also illegal,” Jungkook adds, from three metres high.

“We’re vampires, for Vlad’s sake.” Yoongi shoots back. “We’re the epitome of immoral, and illegal.

“Sorry to interject but... someone should go up there and help him,” says Namjoon. ‘Dibs not.”

“There’s no respect in this household,” Hoseok muses as he rises to grasp Jungkook’s forearms.

Chapter Text

Naturally, Jimin failed to mention that some (unfortunate) newly Turned vampires bleed randomly from every orifice at the 69th hour as a newbie vampire. Taehyung had flown to the flat in a dripping frenzy from his saxophone gig at the poorly lit, smoke-filled jazz bar in Hongdae, causing a nationwide crisis as citizens were doused with what they thought was an indicator of an impending apocalypse.

Hoseok blanched when he answered the door but had broken into a sympathetic and healing smile after he registers that it’s one of the newbies. One of theirs.

“Well. Seokjinnie-hyung isn’t in at the moment but it’s probably a good idea if I lay down some newspapers before you come in,” he says to Taehyung, who was crying, bleeding from the eyes, lord knows. Taehyung sniffs in response as he waits at the door, watching Hoseok wildly place newspaper and towels over a path he predicts Taehyung might take.

“It just happened out of nowhere while I was playing,” Taehyung says, shuddering at the memory of blood dripping from his nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and later on, unpleasant leaking sensations from his nether regions. “I tried hypnotising the five patrons in there before getting the heck out of there.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok says, throwing a towel over the couch and lowering himself onto it. He pats the space next to him, and Taehyung follows the haphazardly placed newspaper path to join Hoseok. “It happens sometimes. I guess Jiminnie didn’t explain to you during that some lucky souls - heh we vampires don’t have souls - experience this nasty process where all the blood you had as a human expels itself from your body.”

“I just realised I haven’t eaten anything since I turned?” Taehyung says, suddenly realising. “I don’t feel hungry? I haven’t pooped either since that night.”

“Oh, yeah, we don’t poop. Hmmm, maybe you should stay away from human food,” Hoseok says, hand on chin and contemplative. “It’s Not A Good Idea.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hoe, just don’t do it,” Hoseok says in a grave tone. “Remind Jungkook too. Dear lord Jimin is hopeless… ‘I’m your hyung’ my ass! Didn’t even bother to warn you guys about the possibility of a Blood Rush at the 69th hour!”

“Goodness gracious,” Taehyung says. “How is it so specific? 69th? What? Who? Where? Why?”

Hoseok shrugs. “We’ll have to bring up his irresponsible behaviour at our next flat meeting where we will punish him.”

“He didn’t even think about us poor, unsuspecting newbies.”

“Ah, Diminnie.”

“Diminnie as in he’s pretty dim-witted? Sounds about right.”

 

Jungkook didn’t like this whole vampire concept. It was overrated. He found it rather inconvenient that he suffered from freezing shudders to bouts of extreme heat as a post-Turning symptom, and he frequently woke to find himself floating along the ceiling, and often dozed with the curtains open out of habit. Without Taehyung dragging the curtains on reflex as he passes by, Jungkook would’ve been sizzled to a crisp as the morning sunlight creeped over the horizon and cast it’s malicious melanoma-inducing rays in between the buildings. 

And as if his consequent suffering couldn’t get worse, he couldn’t drink litres of banana milk without spewing everything and more. He had been afraid to touch food ever since, but it turns out while Taehyung had his whole bleeding-out-of-every-hole-fiasco, Jungkook could not help resisting an extra large halal snack pack at the nearest kebab shop, right after his nightly gym session. To say the least, Jungkook’s body went nope and expelled all the lovely mushed up chips, garlic sauce and kebab meat up his oesophagus and out his mouth, mixed with bile and blood from when he was still alive.

And that’s how Hoseok ended up with two disgruntled blood- and puke-covered vampires sitting quietly on the couch at 10PM. Jimin awakens from his slumber at quarter past and saunters into the living room, face lighting up as he spots his newest vampire friends.

“I think it would be soooo much fun if you two moved in,” Jimin says, eyes gleaming. “Vampires need a support system! And I think it’s sooooooo fun living with my hyungs, we get up to all kinds of shenanigans! It’s sort of similar to how werewolves need their packs. Except we don’t sniff or lick each other, nor are we the most vile supernatural creatures to walk this earth.”

“It would be more than wonderful if you two moved in,” Hoseok says. “We definitely need more helping hands around this house… some don’t even own up to their responsibilities yeesh.”

“It wasn’t me,” Jimin says immediately.

Hoseok narrows his eyes but doesn’t say anything. He makes a mental note to relay this suspicious piece of information to Seokjin-hyung when he comes back from his errands.

“Anyways,” Jimin continues, pausing momentarily to clear his throat. “I think it’d be beneficial to explore… sleeping preferences before we decide where to plop you. For example, Hoseok-hyung likes to hang upside down from the ceiling, Seokjin-hyung sleeps in his original coffin from 3000 BC - no Taehyung, that was a joke he’s not that old - and I’m quite fond of thick pillows and nice bedding. It’s really a personal preference, no judgement at all.”

Hanging upside down seems pretty hardcore, Jungkook reasons. He could work on a full-body workout routine so that he could sleep AND maintain his abs. What a brilliant idea. Jungkook mentally high fives himself and gives himself the title of King (of Efficiency).

 

And so, Jungkook and Taehyung moved in. Taehyung had taken a liking to Namjoon and his quirks, and they worked together to make space for a bed of his own (Taehyung wasn’t very adventurous, Jungkook decided), and Jungkook was given a storage room with space for a desk and his gaming computer, and a nice cupboard to sleep in (very comfortable, thank you very much).

Their move was effortless, as they were both conveniently living away from home, with very little possessions. They had both left their respective hometowns to pursue life in the big city where dreams and aspirations were possible to chase after, Jungkook wanting to pursue a career in the performing arts industry, and Taehyung, a career as a humble saxophonist, and doing the odd modelling job on the side. However it turns out that neither had considered other consequences to their newfound and highly unusual circumstances.

“So,” Taehyung says one night as he rides the subway with Jungkook, arms full with a backpack stuffed with clothing and bedding. Jungkook looks at him expectantly. “Have you told your parents about your, uh, new, sitch ?”

Jungkook shakes his head slowly and a tiny frown begins to appear on his face.

“I haven’t either… I’m just not sure how to explain to them without them thinking I’m crazy or something. Maybe I could Turn them too…? I think it would be awfully selfish if I didn’t use my powers to good use and continued to live an immortal life without sharing it with those who actually brought me into this world,” Taehyung says quietly. “You know what I mean?”

Jungkook stares at his Timberlands and nods slowly in acknowledgement. They ride the subway in silence, as the unspoken settles around them uncomfortably.

 

Their next scheduled hunt, and Taehyung and Jungkook’s first hunt to be, had to be postponed due to the endless downpour that happened overnight - Namjoon suspects it was the work of a magical being - and moods were turning sour; a vampire’s gotta vampire and consume blood, and the last blood pudding was inhaled by an “I was only peckish and I was bored so I ate” Jungkook. And since they relied upon public transport to commute into the city centre, none of them were bothered to leave the house and wait, exposed to the elements, for a bus. Vampires may be dead but somehow they’re still able to catch colds and get sick. (Namjoon thinks about this contradiction every day).

“Why don’t you guys just drive around to round up unsuspecting victims? I mean it sorta goes against my morals but I don't like this feeling where I feel like I'm slowly drying out. Plus there’s a super neat Porsche and basically brand new Range Rover just sitting in our garage collecting dust...” Jungkook says. “Such a waste.”

“Such a waste,” Taehyung echoes sadly.

“Well, for one, I can’t drive. I don’t think Namjoon and driving belong in the same train of thought unless we’re all missing a limb and it’s the zombie apocalypse and we have no other choice but to let him behind a wheel, but then, our lives would still be compromised if we let him drive…?” Jimin chews on his lip, contemplative. “Anywho. Second, Seokjin-hyung, Hoseok-hyung and Yoongi-hyung haven’t renewed their licenses in a long time. Since you know, it involves leaving the house,” Jimin says, gesturing to nothing in particular. “During the day time. You can’t risk the chance of running into police. And third, we’ve never bought any cars. Since it also involves leaving the house.” Jimin looks wistfully at the drawn curtain. “During the day time.”

“Holy shit,” Taehyung blurts out. “You’re saying you guys stole…?”

“No, no, no,” Jimin flaps his hand. “Our victims gave them to us. Well, more like Yoongi-hyung hypnotised them into transferring ownership to him. I’m pretty sure that he has several estates and fortunes under his name…? I think he even gave a particularly wealthy woman an extra day to live in order to transfer the contents of her entire bank account into his alias’ bank account. You could pretty much do anything if you can hypnotise well.”

Taehyung and Jungkook share a look. Jimin looks to and fro until he gets a headache.

“Sorry, I, uh, just remembered I need to do something,” Taehyung mumbles, scratching the back of his neck and foot tapping two thousand bpm. “I’ll catch ya later!” He becomes a blur and Jungkook smiles unapologetically. “Me too lol bye!” And with that, he bolts after the other.

“Please tell me you’re not thinking about getting up to no good,” Jimin calls after them. “...At least invite me along if you are? Guys?”

 

Later that night, Taehyung, Jungkook and JImin come home with a laundry basketful of Samoyed puppies each and Yoongi fell to the ground, crying as the puppies swarmed him like flies to dog excrement.

“I don’t wanna eat them,” Yoongi sobs, “You can’t make me”

“Uh, no one was planning on eating them?” Namjoon says, tucking a puppy into each pocket of his paisley overalls.

Yoongi sits up and holds a particularly sleepy puppy to his chest. “Yeah I knew that.”

“We have to give these back before sunrise,” Taehyung says to them, face serious. “So frolick with haste, time is against us.”

“We sort of,” Jimin begins slowly. “Wandered into a breeder’s backyard and temporarily dognapped these adorable menaces.”

Seokjin says, alarmed. “A backyard breeder.”

“Yes, that’s what I just said,” Jimin says in a serious tone.

“You said a breeder’s backyard,” Seokjin replies, starting to frown.

“No, I know what I said,” Jimin huffs.

“I’m not doing this right now.” Seokjin says, scooping up an especially tubby puppy and tucking it under his chin. “You trespassed and you stole, you’ve basically committed felony.”

“No we didn’t,” Jimin protests.

“Uhm, hyung, it’s true, we did break into someone’s backyard and steal these puppies,” Jungkook mumbles. “We’re planning to put them right back before sunrise.”

“No one is going to notice a thing,” Taehyung grins.

Seokjin wasn’t convinced.

“Why did you sneak around and steal when you could just hypnotise the owner into handing these angels over?” Yoongi says from under a pile of clouds with legs.

They left without me ! They went ahead without me ! I’m their hyung !” Jimin points at them accusingly. “ I could’ve done a wonderful job of hypnotising except - “

“There there,” Hoseok pats Jimin’s shoulder kindly, on the edge of condescending. “It’s alright.”

“No, it isn’t alright!!!” Jimin insists.

The others decide to turn their attention to a puppy who thought it would be a great idea to empty its bowels on the hardwood flooring.

“Dibs not cleaning,” Yoongi says immediately.