Actions

Work Header

Tokyo Mirage Sessions (The Abridged Version)

Chapter Text

*We start with an opera performance! There are some people singing out some romance on stage, and exactly one character in the audience who is drawn with actual features. But then! Dark magic envelops everyone! And they all vanish, except for the one girl in the audience who is drawn like a player character! This is in the newspapers and everything! And then we jump ahead a few years and have a nice little anime intro credits roll with our schoolkid (but legal (IN AMERICA)) protagonists. Which leaves us in an observatory, near some otaku and a queue for something.*
Itsuki: I'm an anime protagonist dude here to meet up with my friend, who is conveniently late. Dunno why we're meeting up near the Japan Idol auditions, but whatever. Huh, there's my friend from the intro cutscene who said she couldn't show...
Tsubasa: Hi! Let's talk about the pop idol Kiria I adore and not why I am here!
Itsuki: But why are you here?
Tsubasa: Shit, I thought I distracted you. Ah, they're calling the contestants for Japan Idol, I have to go for some totally unrelated reason!
Itsuki: OK. Well. Might as well go check out the auditions, better than standing around listening to these otaku perv about not-vocaloids.
Otaku: OMG that loli not-vocaloid is the beeest
*We wander to the auditions, where a gaudy-ass Japanese MC is introducing the contestants! One of whom is Tsubasa!!*
Itsuki: ...Wait, why the fuck is my idol-obsessed friend on stage for Japan Idol?!
*Brief flashes of cloaked figures appearing behind our protagonists before vanishing away again!*
Itsuki: ...OK, that is more legitimately perplexing.
Tsubasa: Anyway, hi everyone! I want to be a pop idol and make everyone happy because that is pretty much the most socially acceptable RPG girl ambition. Also because of that one time I was the only survivor of a mysterious opera hall vanishing, it was kinda rough times. But my main character friend was nice and treated me just like normal! You would have thought he didn't even own a TV! There is no way a romance will develop at any point there.
MC: That was the opera house incident where your sister vanished from the stage, along with everyone else in the theater, right?
Tsubasa: Why are you bringing this up, Mr. MC? It's almost like you're dredging this up for reality TV drama.
MC: No, actually I'm just evil.
Tsubasa: I thought that's what I said.
MC: No, I mean like dark magic crazy evil.
Tsubasa: This is still hard to differentiate, but OK...
*The MC attacks! Dark magic and floaty robed guys are everywhere!*
MC: Soak up that mysterious energy like a good Sailormoon villain, my minions!! Anyway, I'm sure you can take care of this yourselves, so I'm going to fuck off for no particular reason.
*The MC grabs Tsubasa and disappears through a portal! Itsuki is being menaced by the mooks, but his chest starts glowing and they vanish!*
Itsuki: Well, shit. Why couldn't you have awoken five seconds ago, mysterious power sleeping within me?! Well, I guess I'll follow her through this weird ass portal?
*We venture through the portal into a vaguely green and castle-y dungeon of improbable archways and elevators! A loli waif appears before us!*
Tiki: Hi! I'm a mysterious anime girl telling you to go haul ass and hero already. See you!
Itsuki: Who the fuck was... oh well, first girl comes first. Oh, hey, my friend's texting me again. Yeah, I went through some portal into a weird green castle dimension?
Touma: Crap, that's not good.
Itsuki: Wait, does that description sound familiar to you?
Touma: No time to explain, just GTFO!
Itsuki: But my childhood friend. 'scuse me g2g
Touma: STOP GETTING KILLED BRO
*More anime girls are getting menaced and possessed by more cloaked shadowy things! None of them are our friend, though, so we will never see or hear from them again.*
Itsuki: Holy shit. I should--
*A cloaked shadowy thing appears behind our protagonist in a menacing fashion!*
Chrom: I want your poooowerrrrr
Itsuki: --AAAAA RUUUN AND JUMP OFF THIS SMALL CLIFF
Chrom: I am temporarily stymied by this short drop!
Itsuki: Hmm, should I go through the boss door? There is literally nowhere else for me to go and nothing to do, but we need a prompt here.
*We enter the round room, to see Tsubasa being menaced by another generic cloaked figure! Our pursuer has also figured out that the ledge poses no threat to his incorporeal ass!*
Chrom: I still want your power, kid.
Itsuki: Oh fuck right the hell off, I have a girl to watch get attacked!
Chrom: OK, I'll just stab you then.
Itsuki: You realize that's the best way to awaken my only weapon, right?
Chrom: ...Balls.
*An orb of light appears in Itsuki's chest! Naturally, he attacks the cloaked figure with it, who suddenly gains features and a unique costume and shit!*
Chrom: Your magic light orb has brought me to my senses! Here, I'll whip some mooks for you, go do some rescuing.
Itsuki: But, um, how...
Chrom: Eh, just make your presence known and she'll get a shiny orb of her own.
Itsuki: OK, smacking people with orbs is working surprisingly well for me so far.
*Itsuki smacks the cloaked figure menacing Tsubasa with Tsubasa's shiny magic orb! The cloaked figure turns into an armored lady!*
Itsuki/Tsubasa: An anime transformation sequence has made itself known to us!
*Our protagonists undergo a magical girl transformation sequence into silly flashy outfits! The ghosts turn into ornate magic weapons!*
Itsuki: Looks like it's time for a tutorial battle. Please help, talking sword ghost!
*Sword ghost is probably helpful! But it's impossible to tell because none of this is dubbed and in-battle voices aren't even subbed.*
Chrom: Anyway, hi. We're ghosts or something? Let's all introduce ourselves.
Itsuki: Thanks, helpful magical transformation weapon ghosts!
Chrom: Well, you de-brainwashed me or whatever, so thanks for that too, protagonist.
*Manly handshake!*
Caeda: Hi, female protagonist counterpart.
Tsubasa: Hi, I'm legal!
Caeda: Sorry for creeping you out there.
Tsubasa: Magical transformation powers, though, let's call it even.
Itsuki: This is nice and all, but what the fuck?
Chrom: We dunno, we have amnesia. Somebody was gonna have to, and it looks like we took that bullet.
Itsuki: Well, let's GTFO now and deal with that later. Oh, a text.
Touma: Dude are you alive
Itsuki: Oh yeah, you exist. We're cool.
Touma: Where the fuck are you?
Itsuki: pfft idek
Touma: gaaahhh you dumbass... just GTFO, ok? Exit should be south. And don't die!
*We head onward in a vaguely southerly direction, though whether or not Earth's magnetic field actually operates in these dimensions is a point best not addressed!*
Itsuki: So what do these mooks keep dropping, anyway? Besides the yen. I understand the yen. Though not why they have it.
Chrom: Human energy called Perfoma. Ghost food, basically.
Tsubasa: Shiny!
*Onward to the obvious boss arena past the suspicious heal point!*
Itsuki: Shit, it's the slightly more evil MC again!
MC: Oh hey, you're both vessels! That is super awesome. Unless you're about to kick my ass, but that is inconceivable!
*Suddenly, anime! A guy zooms in dramatically on a flashy fiery motorbike!*
Itsuki: Oh look, it's my friend who was texting us with directions on how to get out of here! How the fuck could that be??
Touma: 'Sup bros, I'm here to save you now. For I have the power of anime. Party member get! ...wait, when did you guys get the power of anime?!
Itsuki: If you weren't so busy zooming in on your fire cycle, you might've put that together sooner...
Touma: Fuck you, my fire cycle is awesome and I am awesome. Let's kick this guy's ass before he drops even more new game vocabulary on us.
*Ludicrous boss form and ass-whooping, go!*
MC: Here, I will hide as one of 3 generic enemies except with an obvious difference-- HOW DID YOU CATCH ME?!
Touma: Woo, we won!
Itsuki: Flash bastard.
Touma: :P
Itsuki: Anyway, is that guy dead or anything?
Touma: Shouldn't be, but he's an evil MC, it's hard to tell. Anyway, this is my ghost pal.
Cain: I've heard about you guys, flash bastard says you're interesting.
Tsubasa: the hell did he mean by that
Touma: Man, I freaked when I realized you blundered into an 'idolasphere', because that is what we call these places BTW.
Itsuki: Sorry, had a chick to save.
Touma: That was still really dumb, and that's coming from a flash bastard.
Itsuki: Well, why didn't you tell us about any of this?
Touma: Because that's how the trope goes, yo, are you new?
Itsuki: You know another trope? ...
Touma: OK, actually I just figured you'd worry and stuff, so...
Itsuki: Eh, fair enough. Tell me more about our anime powers.
Touma: OK, so the ghosts are called Mirages-- so there's a partial title drop for you-- so we're called Mirage Masters, and why are you not freaking out more?
Itsuki: My big shock of the day was realizing Tsubasa entered an idol tournament, it's all been easy sailing from there.
Touma: You are such a weirdo. Let's chat somewhere besides the dungeon.
*Interacting with him immediately thereafter!*
Touma: Sorry you got kidnapped.
Tsubasa: It's OK, the protagonist saved me!
Touma: pfft, obvious love interest is obvious
Tsubasa: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY MEAN
Itsuki: I legit have no idea what you could possibly mean.
Tsubasa: IT IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
Touma: See what I've got to put up with, ghost pal?
Cain: I feel ya, flash bastard.
*We progress onward!*
Itsuki: The exit! And a circle of mooks!
*The generic enemies close in on us! But suddenly, ice everywhere!*
Kiria: Hi, I have an area of attack spell.
Tsubasa: AAA MY IDOL wait she has anime magic too um *_*
Itsuki: um
Tsubasa: I don't have anything for her to autograph D:
Kiria: ...I'm fucking right the hell off now.
Tsubasa: aw maaaan
*Out thorough the portal we came in by!*
Touma: Woo we're out!
*The group is approached by a pair of breasts attached to a dark-haired woman! (or that's how they told the animators to storyboard it, at any rate)*
Maiko: Hi. Mission success?
Touma: Yup, Boobsy McMeganeko. Kiria bailed us out at the end tho.
Maiko: Cool. Who are these losers?
Touma: My friends. They have anime magic too now!
Maiko: Hmm. Sounds like plot. I mean fate.
Itsuki: Who exactly are you?
Maiko: I lead the weird anime shit investigation squad. We investigate shit like this and that time everyone in an opera hall vanished. Guns don't work on these things, but special magic ghosts can sync up with certain people and kill them with their own magic. Those people are rare, though.
Tsubasa: I have anime magic trauma, I say we join.
Maiko: I didn't actually say I was going to give you a choice, but that's good! Anyway, I remember you're the sole survivor of that opera house incident.
Tsubasa: can we please stop dredging that up
Maiko: It's the only backstory we have.
Tsubasa: Yeah, actually my motivation is looking for my missing sister, so I'm double in.
Maiko: Works for me. You in, protagonist?
*Your options are basically yeah and eh idk (which, let's be real, will mean yeah)*
Maiko: Ah, thank god for gullible enthusiastic kids. Welcome aboard! Anyway, go check out our secret base.
Itsuki: You have a secret base?
Maiko: Fuck yeah we do, why bother being a secret organization otherwise? Anyway, my boobs and I are wandering off now.
*Prologue completion get! To the secret base!*
Itsuki: So why does our secret base look like a seedy idol office?
Touma: Because it is.
Tsubasa: This is Kiria's company! Why are we here?
Touma: ...two and two, kid, c'mon...
Itsuki: Why didn't you at least tell us you were working for an idol company? You could've skipped the anime shit investigation front part.
Tsubasa: Yeah, I could've got you to get my idol's autograph!
Touma: QED.
Tsubasa: So is Kiria here? <3
Touma: No, she has actual work to do.
Tsubasa: :(
Itsuki: are you ok
Tsubasa: Right now... I'm breathing air that Kiria was breathing... oh, I can die happy...!
Itsuki: I'm'a take that as a no.
Touma: Look, there's someone you should meet, just go through the blue door there, okay.
*Through the blue door, we find... a giant, slightly-ruined castle courtyard!*
Itsuki: what
Touma: It's our magic hangout spot, we can chill with our magic ghosts and stuff here. Look, it's that kid you saw when you wandered in the dungeon.
Tiki: Big brother!
Tsubasa: The hell is she calling you that for? Is this a kink thi-- wait, I think I've seen this kid. OMG she's the not-vocaloid :O
Touma: Yeah, and please don't call me a perv; she does this to everyone, I swear.
Tiki: Yup! Can I call you big brother?
*Options are "sure!" and "token protest but I'll cave"*
Tiki: Yeah, so, all us magic ghosts seem to have amnesia :/
Itsuki: That must suck.
Tiki: Yeah. But hey, new friends!
Tsubasa: Aaaw, look at the adorable loli :D
Touma: OK, can we explain some more game mechanics now?
Tiki: OK, so like 'performa' is like performance energy, and we can fuse it with stuff to get new powers, and we call that 'unity' because we need more nouns up in here. Anyway, I'm glad to help! You should forge yourself a new ghost sword and then chat everyone up.
Caeda: Could you look after Tsubasa? She can be a little... loopy.
Itsuki: LOL, yeah. No problem, we're childhood besties and all.
Cain: Touma's pretty psyched about fighting together with y'all. Do take care of the flash bastard.
Itsuki: You have amnesia too?
Cain: Yeah, but this isn't such a bad life. Can figure that out later.
Chrom: Where the fuck are we even? Must be like a dungeon dimension but not. Well, seems like a nice enough place to chill. I heard we're all fighting together?
Itsuki: I actually have no fucking idea what I'm doing right now.
Chrom: I feel you. Let's blunder through this anime bullshit together.
Tsubasa: It's one surprise after another today.
Touma: This is where you come to chat with the magic ghosts, by the way. Oh, hey, boss lady's back, better chat with her.
Tiki: Aw :(
Itsuki: We'll be back, we swear, it's ok little dragon loli...
*Back out to the office, Maiko's at her desk now...*
Tsubasa: Why didn't you tell me you ran an idol agency?
Maiko: Just spacing out the cutscenes and tutorials a little. Speaking of, here's another! You are, the next Japanese Idol!! We'll sell you as a ditz, that usually racks up the otaku points pretty good.
Tsubasa: This is all so sudden :O
Touma: Better learn to deal with it, kid, you're a protagonist now.
Itsuki: But shouldn't we be fighting monsters?
Maiko: Eh, who knows when those will show up. POP IDOL TIME
Tsubasa: um
Maiko: You'll probably meet Kiria...
Tsubasa: WHEN CAN I START
Maiko: You aren't getting out of this either, protagonist.
Itsuki: But I'm a generic everyman! It's even my description in the menus!
Maiko: It'll help you learn magic shit, because of reasons, so deal with it.
Itsuki: How the fuck does that work?
Maiko: Your powers run on pop idol popularity. It totally makes sense, dancing has been part of religious rituals throughout history. Calling down gods and shit.
Itsuki: Aw, fuck, no one told me I was a channeler now :/
Maiko: There's a reason an idol agency is our cover. You're all in the meat grinder now. Work hard!
Itsuki: fuuuuuuuuu
Touma: LOOOLLLLL good look with the initiation, probies

Chapter Text

*We head to Shibuya! And apparently we already have a group text set up!*
Tsubasa: AAAAA I'm so nervous
Maiko: Exxxxcellent. Go check out the training place, there's shops there too. Just remember: there will be good times and bad times, but at the end of it, you will be a pop idol for at least five minutes, and that's all that matters.
*Into the studio! We see a big blonde guy in an anime t-shirt standing around!*
Tsubasa: Um, are you the teacher--
Barry: SHUT UP I'M POSING HERE
Tsubasa: what
*Barry poses dramatically as his favorite anime's theme music starts in the background!*
Barry: In a world of terrible singing, only one man can make it sound good again! BARRY GOODMAN HAS ARRIVED!
Itsuki: what the actual fuck
Tsubasa: Um, nice anime theme song, sensei? Oh, wait, didn't you play guitar at one of Kiria's concerts a few years ago? Oh, and used to lead a world-famous metal band, I guess.
Itsuki: tsubasa, we need to discuss the line between "otaku" and "obsessed stalker"
Tsubasa: That guy was fitter, though, so it's probably a coincidence.
Itsuki: oh fuck
Barry: Nope, that's me!
Tsubasa: How much weight did you even gain??
Itsuki: jesus christ tsubasa could you please stop trying to get us murdered
Barry: It's OK, I'm a lardass! Time to train! A figurine from my favorite anime is coming out today, so I'm super amped! And I have to get outta here fast to be first in line!
Itsuki: so at exactly what point did i die and descend into otaku hell
*Anime idol boot camp begins!*
Barry: You have to put your heart and SOUL into your singing!!
Tsubasa: you would think that would be the one part I didn't have trouble with
Barry: You have to sing for other people and send a message!
Tsubasa: But what message?
Barry: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW. You help her, protagonist kid!
Itsuki: why is this my problem
Barry: WHY AM I HERE INSTEAD OF WATCHING ANIME
*Barry storms out because emo bootcamp instructors, amirite?*
Tsubasa: sorry i pissed him off
Itsuki: I sucked too, you were just a jucier target.
Tsubasa: My sister went through this too. It must have sucked, but she never showed it. Maybe I'm not cut out for this shit.
Itsuki: It's only been one lesson. Plus, we have to study that anime to impress the teacher.
Tsubasa: Bwaaaa ha ha, that's a hilarious mental image. Thanks for cheering me up. See you!
*Tsubasa hurries out! Kiria wanders in!*
Kiria: is she gone
Itsuki: Oh, hi. Thanks for rescuing us from the group of monsters we probably could've taken out.
Kiria: No prob. Is your creepy friend okay? It's usually safer when stalkers are happy.
Itsuki: We pissed off Barry...
Kiria: Barry is paid to act pissed off at you. How do YOU think you guys did?
Itsuki: I thought she was pretty good, honestly.
Kiria: Do you guys want to do this?
Itsuki: I suppose.
Kiria: Well, she's still learning how to communicate through song. You don't have the skills for subtle yet, just go for raw emotion.
Itsuki: Wait, does this mean I have to deliberately upset her or something, because fuck that bullshit plot...
Kiria: No, no, just bribe her with some concert tickets. Here. Maybe you'll learn something. See you.
*Texting!*
Tsubasa: sorry i kinda ditched you
Itsuki: I got some Kiria concert tickets for you.
Tsubasa: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGG
*Cut to the day of the concert! It's an open-air event at the Shibuya 106 tower!*
Itsuki: So this is a concert with Kiria and some other famous dude, right?
Tsubasa: IT IS AWESOME AND WILL BE AWESOME
*Anime time! Kiria sings her super popular single, the game's theme song! The crowd goes wild! Tsubasa goes wilder!*
Itsuki: Wow, she actually is pretty good.
Tsubasa: I WANT TO BE THAT INSPIRING
Itsuki: OK.
Tsubasa: THIS SINGING FILLS ME WITH DETERMINATION
Itsuki: I'm still just kinda along for this ride, TBH, but I support you.
*Tsubasa gains new song magic power!*
Maiko: Congrats on the performer level, kid. Now let's watch the next guy-- OH SHIT
*Dark magic portals everywhere!*
Tsubasa: What the fuuuuu--
Touma: Is the crowd not seeing this shit?
*The crowd collapses into depression! Because depression is usually an outside dark magic force in fantasy, I guess.*
Maiko: The fuck is this shit?
*Some anime lady in a red bad guy robe and a poor excuse for a shirt appears on Kiria's stage!*
Kiria: I'm'a kick your ass.
Aya: pfft
Kiria: I SAID I'M A KICK YOUR ASS wait who the fuck are you
Aya: Go away. Keep the idol as a power source, minions.
Touma: Hey, who the fuck are--
Aya: I SAID GO AWAY CAN YOU HEAR
Tsubasa: OMG, DARK MAGIC ZOMBIE SISTER?!
*Indeed it is! Dark magic zombie sister attacks Tsubasa! But Kiria jumps in front to take the blow!*
Kiria: STOP STANDING AROUND STALKER CHICK, THIS IS FIGHTING TIME
Tsubasa: NOOOO YOU'RE HURT D:
Aya: I abruptly kind of recognize you! I'd better GTFO!
Tsubasa: YOU'RE HURT AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT
Kiria: Stop wasting our fucking time and go after her already jesus are you people stupid
Tsubasa: But there's tons of mooks and my dark magic zombie sister!
Kiria: JUST FUCKING DO IT DO I HAVE TO START SINGING AT YOU OR SOME SHIT
Tsubasa: I--
Kiria: YOU HAVE FOUND HER, NOW GO AND GET HER
Tsubasa: Well--
Kiria: THE POWER OF ANIME COMPELS YOU. GO AND TELL HER I SAID HI. AND ALSO GACK
Maiko: I have no battle utility, so I'll take care of her. Y'all should probably do as she said though.
Touma: Let's go be big damn heroes!
Itsuki: Well, guess there's no one else to shove it off onto...
Tsubasa: ok. but. aaaa
*We progress into a velvet room club dungeon! There are random Engrishy boutiques dotting the walls!*
Caeda: Did I mention take care of this little flower?
Itsuki: Did I mention let's fight together in broship?
Cain: Did I mention let's go whoop some ass already?
*We progress through the dungeon, using giant maid costumes as movable bridges! Because I don't fucking know! We spot a guy with long hair in a ridiculous white trenchcoat and long scarf hiding behind some generic mooks!*
Producer: HELLLP
Touma: OMG it's a famous producer guy! Hi!!
Producer: Thanks for saving me! What the actual fuck is going on here!
Tsubasa: It's a long story we're just gonna skip through.
Itsuki: Anyway, here's a map to the exit.
Producer: I am sure I will probably survive the trip!
*Onward! Aya appears on the third floor and wanders off!*
Tsubasa: AAA MY BRAINWASHED BLACK MAGIC ZOMBIE SISTER
Itsuki: STAY WITH THE PARTY
Tsubasa: But--
Itsuki: STAY. WITH. THE. PARTY.
Tsubasa: Sorry, I'm just kind of traumatized by all of this.
Itsuki: Fair enough.
Tsubasa: Oh hey, remember how I used to be clumsy?
Itsuki: I disagree with your verb tense, but OK.
Tsubasa: I've been knocking into people with my SPEAR these days douchelord
Itsuki: fair enough
Tsubasa: I was getting around to a heartwarming story about how my sister would sing with me when I got upset. So I'm going to kick that brainwashing dark magic's ass. Possibly with the power of song.
Itsuki: I'm glad you're in an ass-whooping mood, for there is copious ass to whoop.
Touma: Third-wheelin' all up in this shit with my fire spear
*We progress onward up more stairs and shit!*
Itsuki: This looks a lot like a boss arena, are we sure this is the right way to find the boss?
Touma: She's right up there, genius. You gotta get yourself some savvy to this genre, bro.
*We see Aya, and an evil ghost lurking behind her!*
Tsubasa: Hi sis!
Evil Ghost Aversa: Pre-ass-kicking taunting!
Aya: Aw dammit I looked at her again, she gives me a fucking migraine
Tsubasa: It's me, sis!
Aya: I know nothing about this "sister" bullshit. Except, no, actually, these migraines seem familiar. Hi sis.
Tsubasa: Yay! Let's go home!
Aya: You're too old to be my sister, though...
Aversa: Pfft, I've been brainwashing you for like 5 years. Taunt taunt. Taaaaunt.
Aya: AAAAA JUST LEAVE ME ALOOOONE
Tsubasa: I don't get it. You recognize me, so what's wrong?
Itsuki: I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest the dark magic clouds and evil ghost voices are probably problems we're gonna need to solve before we can all go home.
Aversa: Pfft, suspecting me just because I'm an evil ghost, so much for the tolerant left. We're totally equal partners!
Itsuki: Oh, well, if you say so, that must be true!
Tsubasa: Bullshit. My sister worked super hard to be an idol all the time, she couldn't possibly be sick of it!
Aversa: You're such a moron.
Aya: Actually, I only worked so hard because of all the insane pressures of the idol industry, yeah.
Tsubasa: But you're so good at it!
Aversa: Oh my god, just fuck off and die already.
Tsubasa: I WILL FIGHT FOR THE VISION OF MY SISTER I HAD AS A CHILD WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BEAR ANY RESEMBLANCE TO HER REAL SELF
Aya: fuck, more pressure
Tsubasa: You're MY idol!
Aya: Well, this shirt is kinda skanky...
Aversa: STOP THIS DE-BRAINWASHING RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY
Tsubasa: NO, I'M A KICK YOUR EVIL PEGASUS KNIGHT ASS
*Boss fight! The boss flees after a brief whipping!*
Tsubasa: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO, I'M COMING AFTER YOU
Itsuki: Um, let's go back to town and heal and stuff first. Also we should ponder this whole brainwashing deal. Sounds like she can't even hear you most of the time, might be an issue.
Tsubasa: Oh. Then how do I communicate?
Caeda: How about singing? That's completely different.
Chrom: Song magic does seem to be a thing, I guess.
Tsubasa: OK, I'll sing at her then! I will sing at her SO FUCKING HARD
Touma: Yeah, but seriously, take this chance to get the fuck back to town if you're a dumbass and you haven't.
*Back to the magic castle grotto...*
Tiki: Hi again! Let's fuse some black magic!
Tsubasa: Yay, new black song magic!
Tiki: So how are you and your ghost pal doing?
Itsuki: We're both pretty boring, so we usually see eye-to-eye. Though I was wondering, Chrom, how does this world look to magic amnesia ghosts?
Caeda: Well, literally, we see eye-to-eye. We're kind of piggybacking off you guys.
Chrom: Your world is bizarre yet intriguing. I have a slightly macabre fascination with this "idol industry" bullshit. So much passion. So much evil.
Caeda: Tons of passion! And maybe evil.
Itsuki: Cool, cool, just wanted to check in.
Chrom: Anyway, we're going to keep investigating, and smacking evil ghosts, because that will probably lead to the story behind us and our amnesia bullshit eventually. That's just how this stuff works.
Itsuki: I'm glad I can go back to ignoring you now.
*Another set of ridiculous giant maid moving shenanigans later, along with much equipment upgrading and shit, we make it to the roof, because of course she's on the fucking roof!*
Tsubasa: Hi sis!
Aversa: Generic TAUNT!
Itsuki: What have you done to her, anyway?
Aversa: Nothing evil, just made her deaf to everything but me. You evil ghost racist. Anyway, she was very happy to escape reality. Because guess what? The idol scene SUCKS!
Itsuki: Tsubasa! Wield that song magic we made such a fucking plot point about against this heresy!
Tsubasa: Spreading the joy of singing! Pink glowy song magic, GO!!
*Tsubasa glows and sings a couple lines of some JPop! It's super effective!*
Aya: oh hi again
Tsubasa: WAKE THE FUCK UP
Aya: OK.
Aversa: HOW DID THAT BULLSHIT EVEN WORK? STOP STEALING MY PAWN YOU PRICKS! REAL BOSS FORM, GOOO!!
Aya: Shit, I'm a hostage!
Aversa: Wouldn't life be so much easier if you just did everything I said? Like the idol business, except I don't make you sing!
Aya: That does sound pretty good...
Tsubasa: I CLIMBED UP A WHOLE FUCKING TOWER FOR THIS, YOU CARPING HARPY
Aversa: You seem to have a lot of sway over her. I'm sure ordering her to kill you is the optimal play here.
Aya: FUCK YOU, BITCH, I'M OUT
Aversa: Who could possibly have guessed that would backfire?!
Itsuki: Can we get to the ass-whoopin' now?
Aversa: Now I need a new vessel, you pricks! Ugh, where to find one, where to find one...
Itsuki: Are you SERIOUSLY running away again?!
Tsubasa: We're going after her. I'm gonna knock her out.
*Tsubasa jumps off the tower after the boss, who has wandered back over to the concert stage in the real world! She gains a magic flying horse during the fall, which then attains magic jet boosters because it's 2017! The boys quickly follow somehow!*
Tsubasa: SISTER SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!!
*Boss battle!*
Aversa: You think... that beating me... means you've won? OK... technically you have... but there are... totally more of us... and we're invading... and we'll totally win... gack
*The boss dies! The evil disappears! We're left on the concert stage, and Aya and Kiria are hobbling over too!*
Itsuki: wait what was that invasion bullshit
Tsubasa: Sis! You've mysteriously appeared on the same platform! also hi Kiria weren't you in the hospital
Aya: Your song magic saved me!
Itsuki: Seriously, weren't you in the hospital? I got several texts about it.
Kiria: You were in that dungeon for a long fucking time.
Itsuki: It had seven floors and bullshit moving maid stair puzzles!
Kiria: Pffft. Anyway, good work.
Itsuki: Tell fangirl, she took point on that one.
Kiria: must i
Aya: Why are you like two feet taller now, anyway?
Tsubasa: SISTER HUG TIIIIIIME
*Later, back in the idol offices!*
Maiko: Welp, evil magic's gone, sweet! Awesome work, probies! I am gonna get SO liquored up tonight!
Itsuki: But it's concerning that they seem to be, like, organized and shit.
Maiko: This invasion bullshit is definitely a concern. I mean, I suspected, but it's pretty confirmed now. On the upside, they probably have a big boss we can whup and put a stop to it all.
Kiria: I was thinking I might join your party.
Maiko: Please do, school those probies.
Kiria: But let's keep the command structure intact.
Itsuki: You want me to be the boss? Haven't you been doing this for longer?
Kiria: Y'all do good work, and stalker girl would probably throw herself in front of everything attacking me...
Tsubasa: OMGGGGG
Kiria: god help me
Tsubasa: OGMMMMMM
Itsuki: chiiiilll
Touma: we are gonna kick SO MUCH ASS
Maiko: Also, I hired your sister. She'll be in the office until she recovers enough to be put out in the grinder, I mean on the stage again. Work hard or I'll get her to kick your ass!
Tsubasa: because that worked so well for the last boss
Maiko: Also, stay here after class, Itsuki.
Itsuki: oh god this isn't about your boobs is it
Maiko: I was wondering if you'd be interested in a... private lesson? It'd be fabulous. Scandalous. Delicious.
Tsubasa: AAAAA
Maiko: That was totally a joke! Unless you're interested.
Itsuki: Of course I'm interested in a lesson on the entertainment industry!
Maiko: Pfffft, you are morally such total jailbait. Anyway, thanks for saving my cash cow. Dismissed! Except you.
Itsuki: oh god what is it
Maiko: So are you actually interested in the entertainment field?
Itsuki: Um... no...
Maiko: How about singing?
Itsuki: I think I'd rather be backup...?
Maiko: Excellent. That means you get to be trained in EVERYTHING!!
Itsuki: ffuuuuuuuuu
Maiko: Learn to be decisive, boy, or this is what you get!! Muaaa ha ha ha ha ha...
Itsuki: so at some point i must have died and gone to otaku hell but when could it have been
Maiko: Also that means you get to be emotional support backup for everyone too. Sucker :D
Itsuki: whyyyyy anime god whyyyyy

Chapter Text

Maiko: Anyway, next you get to take a dance lesson with Barry, and a secret lesson too! But you should probably faff around doing side missions and stuff first.
Itsuki: I am beyond happy to put that off as long as fucking possible. Let's see, new party member, tons to upgrade...
*Visiting the castle garden blacksmith shrine! Some new floaty ghost lady is standing behind a pillar staring at us!*
Tharja: staaaare
Tiki: The polite thing to do is say hi!
Tharja: i prefer staring from a distance thanks
Tiki: But human interaction!
Tharja: must i really
Itsuki: Um... you do you?
Tharja: you're pretty ok for a protagonist. i'm Kiria's ghost pal btw
Itsuki: Well, um, thanks in advance for watching my back!
Tharja: will do. heeheehee
Tiki: You shouldn't indulge her weirdness like that. But she is a Dark Mage, so she can whip some ass.
Itsuki: Nice to meet you.
Tharja: i've heard about you
Itsuki: You've discussed me?
Tharja: you have some promise. protect my magic friend?
Itsuki: She doesn't seem like she needs it much?
Tharja: she's a girl in a jrpg, the opportunity will come up eventually. anyway i'm out
Tiki: That's really super talkative by her standards.
*Later! Touma has us a sidestory!*
Touma: Hey bro, let's go watch a thing!
Itsuki: OK but, uh, what is this
Touma: DO YOU EVER EVEN LISTEN TO ME IT'S A LIVE ACTION HERO SHOW I'M SUPER INTO
Itsuki: once in a while maybe i do i guess
Touma: I wanna audition for the TV series :3
Itsuki: You like this shit, huh?
Touma: I WANNA BE NOT-KAMEN RIDER
*The totally not Kamen Rider tokusatsu] show starts! Not-Kamen Rider beats up a mook! The crowd goes wild!*
Touma: I love this shiiiiit
Itsuki: I could be a dick about this but eh, it was pretty good.
Kid: Aren't you too old for this shit?
Touma: The hell are you here at the show acting like you're too cool for it for?
Kid: Killing time. All that repetitive friendship justice victory stuff annoys me. There's no such thing as those. especially friendship nobody likes me
Touma: Are you OK?
Kid: Oh, fuck offffff
Touma: YEAH WELL I'M GONNA BE THE HERO IN THE NEXT SHOW SO
Itsuki: Why are you lying to that kid?
Touma: He's so pathetically sad. I want to make kids happy, it's half the appeal of the genre. I probably was talking crazy, though...
Itsuki: Then good luck at the audition.
Touma: I will kick ALL of the ass! Come train with me? I don't seem to be able to level alone, it's odd.
Itsuki: All EXP is good.
Touma: Let's gank some blobs, it'll give me experience whipping useless mooks.
Cain: I still don't get any of this.
Touma: We use performing arts magic, just roll with it.
*We beat some blobs and gain some magic!*
Cain: Big audition time. No pressure.
Touma: I will demonstrate the passion of a hero like whoa!
Cain: This should be entertaining. Go kick this different kind of ass.
*On stage! Not-Kamen Rider beats up a mook... played by Touma! Who falls off the stage and loses his mask. We meet him backstage afterward!*
Touma: THAT WAS AWESOME DIDN'T I GET MY MOOK ASS KICKED BEAUTIFULLY
Itsuki: your mask tho
Touma: Yeah, I failed that audition, but the director sent me here to get experience, so that's good, right?
Itsuki: Still technically lied to that kid.
Cain: Who caaares
Touma: WORKIN' MY WAY UP THAT LADDER!
*Back at the magic castle grotto, Tiki has a sidestory for us...*
Tiki: Hey, since I can't really leave here, could you check on someone from the internet for me?
Itsuki: Sure.
Tiki: Their screenname is TikiIsMyWaifu.
Itsuki: are you sure about this
Tiki: They're a really good voca-- utaloid songwriter though! But they vanished off the face of the internet, so I'm worried about them.
Itsuki: Wellll, okay, adorable dragon loli.
Tiki: I hear they have a laptop with a Tiki sticker on it and hang out in a cafe.
Itsuki: I'm sure that'll narrow it down sufficiently somehow!
*To the only cafe we know!*
Itsuki: Don't see a laptop...
Loud Guy: I THOUGHT I SAW THAT TIKI WAIFU PERSON
Loud Friend: BULLSHIT, HOW COULD THEY JUST HAVE VANISHED
Loud Guy: IT WAS NEAR THE LAST DUNGEON
Chrom: Sounds like he got sucked into the dungeon.
Itsuki: Let's check it out.
*Into the dungeon!*
Chrom: Feels like something's here.
Tiki: I wish I could helllp :(
*We head up to an old mid-boss arena and find... a schoolgirl carrying a laptop!*
TikiIsMyWaifu: Oh, a person. Do you know where the fuck I am?
Itsuki: Do you happen to be TikiIsMyWaifu?
TikiIsMyWaifu: Yeah.
Itsuki: I was expecting someone a lot more male and pathetic. Go figure.
TikiIsMyWaifu: My love transcends both gender and dimensions. Anyway, I heard some sort of voice calling and followed it, and wound up here.
Itsuki: The exit's pretty close if you use the warp points.
TikiIsMyWaifu: What, is it dangerous here or something?
Itsuki: Um... yeah... want an escort?
TikiIsMyWaifu: Nah, I'm good. Thanks, Nameless Kind Person. I'll be off then.
*The schoolgirl wanders off!*
Itsuki: That might have been my weirdest encounter of the week. Magic ghost pal, you appearing to talk is not going to change my evaluation.
Chrom: I thought for sure there was a boss or something lurking around here.
Itsuki: Anyway, Tiki's not answering so we'd better check in with her.
*Back to the Castle Garden of Tiki Not-Blacksmithing! Tiki is attempting to practice fighting moves!*
Tiki: AAA I WASN'T TRYING TO PRACTICE FIGHTING MOVES
Itsuki: Right. But why were you trying to practice fighting moves?
Tiki: I want to be helpful and have agency and stuff.
Itsuki: You're already helpful.
Tiki: Really?
Itsuki: Kid, you're the gatekeeper for all our new skills, I've been here like three times today...
Tiki: Well, I guess I'll keep playing to my dragon loli strengths, then!
Itsuki: Min-max, Tiki. Min-max.
*Later, we manage to trigger Kiria's too...*
Kiria: Could you help me out with something? I want you to find this doll.
Itsuki: Huh, I didn't think you were into--
Kiria: Did I ask for your opinion? Just find my plushie, should be in Daitama somewhere.
Itsuki: OK then.
Kiria: Thanks. Have a photo for purposes of identification.
Itsuki: Looking at the thing, even here in Japan, I doubt that is going to be a problem.
*To Daitama (near the first dungeon)!*
Itsuki: Found it! But it's in pretty rough shape. Hey, Tsubasa, you're a girl, can you sew?
Kiria: this is a group text you moron
Itsuki: This is some totally different matter!
Kiria: suuuure
Tsubasa: Nope, I suck at it.
Itsuki: Doesn't surprise me.
Tsubasa: But my sister is great at it! You prick.
*To the office!*
Itsuki: Hey, can you fix this for me?
Aya: If you're trying to hit on a girl this way, it'll be more effective if you do it yourself.
Itsuki: Um... OK...
Aya: I'll teach you because I have nothing better to do!
*Fade out, fade in; the battered plushie is now patched in a vaguely Frankensteinian way!*
Itsuki: is this really OK
Aya: It gives it character. Now go give it back.
Itsuki: What makes you think it isn't mine?
Aya: This shit has affection-boosting-quest written all over it.
Itsuki: Well, thanks! Let me text Kiria...
Kiria: did you find it
Itsuki: ...more or less...
Kiria: Eh, just bring it here.
*Returning to Shibuya to meet up...*
Kiria: Thanks!
Itsuki: thank me after you see the thing
Kiria: aaa Sir Gen
Itsuki: It got pretty beaten up.
Kiria: Did you, um, "fix" him?
Itsuki: Aya made me...
Kiria: That's kind of sweet. Thanks. Oh, hey, more performance magic, too. Let's go activate it.
*New magic get!*
Tharja: pfffft now you're even more attached to that dumb thing
Kiria: am not
Tharja: are toooooo
Kiria: shuddup
*Later, Kiria has another concert where she sings a different anime song in a different costume while thinking of her new friends and mended plushie! Hanging around backstage...*
Staff Guy: Everyone on social media says that was awesome.
Other Staff Guy: Maybe she picked up a boyfriend.
Staff Guy: Naaaah, she has such a cold exterior. There can't be a mushy heart behind it just waiting for a protagonist to open it up.
Kiria: Oh hey. What'd you think of the concert?
Itsuki: You were right, it was even better.
Kiria: You rescued my doll, which took a load off my mind. Thanks.
Itsuki: Glad to help.
Kiria: ...are you judging me though
Itsuki: Nah, I'm glad you aren't all scary dark mage all the time.
Kiria: It's not like I'm into plushies, it's a memento.
Itsuki: Huh?
Kiria: I am dropping that plot thread like it's hot. Gotta get to a meeting!
Itsuki: Well, having exhausted all other options... I guess it's dancing time... ugh
*To the lesson studio!*
Tsubasa: oh god this suuucks
Itsuki: how do you have enough energy to talk
Tsubasa: Determination!
Kiria: sup
Tsubasa: OMGGG
Kiria: If anything can kill your crush, it will be me becoming your new sensei.
Tsubasa: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Itsuki: oh god

Chapter Text

*Ending the intermission! Tsubasa is debuting with her own anime song and music video cutscene! She really likes glow bracelets and dancing on roofs. And she still has a horse. The song has a lot to do with wind element and flying and feelings, because those are kind of her things. Meanwhile, we're slumming in the Hee-Ho Mart reading magazines!*
Touma: 'Mystery of the Disappearing Models'?
Itsuki: It sounded vaguely like plot.
Touma: You read gossip rags?
Itsuki: When the plot demands it.
Touma: Oh, hey, an article on Tsubasa! Hahaha! ...How weird.
Itsuki: All kind of convenient for us, wasn't it?
Touma: Seriously, how the fuck did Maiko get footage of us at the evil concert...?!
Itsuki: It was her damn concert, of course she was filming it. It's kind of awkward for Tsubasa at school now. Fanbois.
Touma: You should go say hi. Be encouraging.
Itsuki: well if i must
*To the studio!*
Barry: You gotta develop your muscle memory! Anyway we're done now.
Tsubasa: Hi!
Itsuki: Working hard, I see.
Tsubasa: I feel a lot better now that my sister isn't missing. Makes this a lot more fun!
Barry: I'm an otaku!
Itsuki: um
Barry: I'm also American! SHIT!
Itsuki: ummmm
Barry: I have to go get the preorder bonus for a game now!
Itsuki: you whale on those two character traits you have, sensei
Tsubasa: I think he said something nice about me, too. weird.
*A guy in a purple suit who's been mentioned various times in flavortext appears! He's the guy we never saw perform in that concert with Kiria!*
Yashiro: You done in here?
Tsubasa: OMG
Itsuki: Who's this dude?
Yashiro: Are you done here or not, oh my god.
Itsuki: Yeah, we're leaving.
Yashiro: I saw you dancing. You sucked.
Itsuki: There's no reason to be a dick, here.
Yashiro: I'm just being honest.
Itsuki: Oh, god, he's one of THOSE.
Yashiro: I have this room booked, if you amateurs could kindly fuck off?
Itsuki: Hey, we've totally been signed to a company!
Yashiro: THAT company? Weirdos.
Itsuki: Do fuck off.
Tsubasa: Itsukiiii he's famouuuss let's just defer heeeere
Yashiro: Wait, have I seen you before?
Tsubasa: I definitely did not ever crash your concert with a flying jet horse!
Yashiro: Well, whatever. Again. Please fuck off.
Tsubasa: Yes sir!
*We flee the scene!*
Tsubasa: Why were you guys fighting?
Itsuki: 'Cause he's a douche, were you not there?
Tsubasa: I'd better fill you in, he's a big-shot singer and TV star.
Itsuki: And a douche. But apparently a talented one.
Tsubasa: Here, I have tickets to his next concert! Maiko said I should learn about "perks". Let's go watch it together! AAA I have an appointment see you later!!
*Back to the office, some little girl in a kimono is in the sitting area...*
Mamori: Oh, a protagonist. I've heard things about you. Hi, I'm Mamori Minamoto!
Itsuki: You work here too?
Mamori: Yeah, I have a show called "Microwavin' with Mamorin". If you ever check the TVs here, you already know it's a cooking show where we only use a microwave.
Itsuki: Never seen it, but I'll give it a watch.
Mamori: Thanks! I also want to be a singer. But, uh, my CD didn't sell very well. I'm still trying though!
Itsuki: Good luck with that. 'Sup, Tsubasa, Maiko?
Maiko: Tsubasa's got a new job!
Tsubasa: It's modeling... :/
Itsuki: Cool!
Maiko: TIE-INS EVERYWHERE :D
Tsubasa: aaaaa
Itsuki: You'll do fine! You're plenty cute!
Tsubasa: eee
Itsuki: Believe in us who believe in you!
Maiko: There'll be a lot of other models, too, and the photographer's good, so it's not like you can screw up too badly anyway.
Tsubasa: OK! Will do!
*Tsubasa wanders off!*
Maiko: It's that photographer guy I know though, go figure... I used to model for him before I entered the world of... business.
Itsuki: I guess the boobs should have been a tip-off.
Maiko: He was pretty eh when I knew him, but he has one hell of a reputation now. I guess he could've learned something.
Itsuki: You look concerned.
Maiko: HAHAHA not at all!
Itsuki: I heard models have been going missing.
Maiko: That sounds like plot to me, too. I'll investigate. You go follow Tsubasa and bodyguard?
Itsuki: Unlock it on my map and I'm your man. Oh, a text...
Touma: hey i saw tsubasa earlier. she ran into a telephone pole and then frantically apologized to it.
Itsuki: It's worse than I thought.
Touma: you should keep an eye on her bro
*To the studio! That producer guy we saved in the last dungeon is there!*
Producer: Hey, you're that kid who saved my ass from monsters. Not that I remember it very well. What happened with that...?
Touma: Like a true bro, I arrive on the scene to bail you out of this awkward conversation!!
Producer: You also seem familiar!
Touma: Sorry, we gotta go!
*Fleeing the scene...*
Itsuki: He's asking questions.
Touma: Balls. Anyway, Tsubasa's shoot was allegedly canceled or something. No obvious evil, but the photographer looked pissed. Oh hey, there he is!
Itsuki: My plot senses are still tingling. As is my phone.
Maiko: Oh hey, it turns out all those missing models were last seen with that photographer.
Itsuki: Well, Tsubasa should be back at the office by now.
*Back at the office!*
Tsubasa: :(
Itsuki: Sup?
Tsubasa: The photographer got pissed at me and stormed off.
Itsuki: Well, mistakes happen. I'm sure it's nothing to do with him being evil or anything. Just your inadequacy.
Tsubasa: sigh
Itsuki: You can always complain a bit to me if it helps.
Tsubasa: Only a bit?
Itsuki: I charge by the hour.
Tsubasa: All part of the gig, I guess. I'll learn from my mistakes and make it big! It's been rescheduled, so...
Itsuki: Aw man... all his models keep going missing...
Tsubasa: NOW you tell me??
*Suddenly, Mamori runs in, freaking the fuck out!*
Mamori: AAAAA there's weird shit going down in Shibuya again!! Its all dark and everyone's depressed and and
Itsuki: Good job fleeing, Mamori. We should check that out. You stay where it's safe.
Mamori: I am totally OK with this!
*To Shibuya! Dark magic has again enveloped the area! The photographer is awash with dark magic and teleporting around stealing people's souls with his camera! Maiko is there to protest!*
Maiko: Hey, you prick!
Photographer: You came back to me :D
Maiko: So you HAVE gotten more evil since I knew you. I didn't think it was possible.
Photographer: I WILL TAKE PICTURES OF YOU NOW
*Maiko disappears just as Itsuki and Tsubasa arrive!*
Itsuki: Just what the fuck do you think you're doing with that subpar camera setup, mister?!
Photographer: Teleporting.
*The photographer disappears into the new dungeon!*
Tsubasa: Calling all troops! It's ass-whuppin' time!
*We enter photographer skyscraper dungeon!*
Tharja: i kinda like the place
Itsuki: It's a teleport dungeon decorated with stalker photo walls of missing models.
Tharja: don't kinkshame
Itsuki: Screw this, I sense a sidequest.
*Back to the office...*
Aya: I have an idea for a quest line.
Itsuki: Sock it to me.
Aya: I'm going to tell you when random idols and entertainers have been attacked by Mirages. You will be able to fight depression and impostor syndrome with your magic sword.
Itsuki: I think Rowling made the better depression metaphor, but OK.
Aya: Check on a voice actress at the observatory?
*To the observatory!*
Actress: I'm depressed :(
Chrom: This is obviously dark magic.
*Back to the office!*
Aya: Yeah, Tiki says the monster that stole it should be in the dungeon twenty steps away from her.
Itsuki: i have a god damn cell phone you know
*To the observatory dungeon!*
Itsuki: There's the monster! Let's kick its ass!
*Five monsters eight levels above us appear!*
Itsuki: Let's pretend this didn't happen and go check out the teleporter dungeon instead!
*One teleporter dungeon checked out later...*
Itsuki: OK, we're at a suspicious door and those monsters only outlevel us by 4 now, so let's give it another try.
*Another couple tries later, monsters are defeated!*
Itsuki: Apparently it's super grinding time, holy shit.
*Back to the actress...*
Actress: Why on earth was I depressed? I'm a performer and that's awesome!
*Back to the office...*
Aya: Here's your quest reward. See you soon.
*Back to Daitama...*
Girl: Does everyone know about my obvious crush??
Itsuki: Everyone in earshot, yeah.
Girl: I'M SO EMBARRASSED AND IN TEENAGE ANGST
Itsuki: That's nice, now if you'll--
Girl: So I hear love letters are the standard confession route these days? I, MOEKA KATAO, SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I SHALL EXECUTE "OPERATION HANDWRITTEN LOVE LETTER"! ... Itsuki, please help! Won't you lend some of your big, strong courage to a poor, defenseless young girl?
Itsuki: ...I can give you a free promo CD. That's technically lending you Tsubasa's courage, but I don't really give a fuck.
Girl: Listening to this single on repeat will definitely give me the resolve I need! Thanks!!
*Back to the dungeon, we open a door and find a bunch of models being suspended in the air by dark magic!*
Itsuki: We should save them.
Chrom: Looks like there's a mid-boss in our way.
*Several attempts at the mid-boss later! This is actually an Atlus game and shit, yo.*
Itsuki: OK, we saved the nameless models from the mid-boss, now we just have to save the named model from the boss!
Tsubasa: oshit guys the model photos have like multicolored bloodspatter on them now
Itsuki: ...Let's level fast so we can take this creep down.
*After going through the dungeon, we find the boss arena! Maiko is pinned on a couch in a silly pose by dark magic while photographer creep teleports around taking pictures!*
Itsuki: The fuck do you think you're doing?
Photographer: Taking photographs you rube. Of the only worthy model in the world.
Itsuki: Yeah, we're taking our boss and getting out of here, creeper.
Photographer: YOU'RE HERE TO TAKE HER AWAY!! I WILL STEAL YOUR MAGIC GHOSTS
Itsuki: THAT'S WAY THE FUCK OP YOU LITTLE PRICK
Photographer: THIS IS AN ATLUS GAME YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCHES! Also you suck as a model.
Tsubasa: I care what you think for some reason! But don't blame her for my inadequacy! I will model for you my spear!
Photographer: I'll believe that when I see it.
*The photographer cameras us away! We appear back in a suddenly re-normalized Shibuya!*
Itsuki: That prick better not have stolen our magic ghosts, we'd be totally fucked.
Chrom: 'Sok, it's a temporary effect.
Itsuki: If they had not nerfed that, I would have some very strong words for the developers.
Kiria: It's still OP.
Tsubasa: Oh, hey, it's time for that douchebag's concert. I totally forgot it was today. How long have we even been in there?
Itsuki: The fuck is going on in there, anyway? Why is there an aura of not-evil radiating from it?
Kiria: Let's go and see.
Itsuki: This does not seem to be the time for a god damn concert.
Kiria: Two words: performance magic.
Itsuki: fuuuuck
*We go to attend Prince Douchebag's EDM concert! He sings some JPop and dances with neon polygon mannequins!*
Tsubasa: wooooow
Kiria: He's got game. Look at all these adoring fans.
Itsuki: Prince Douchebag can counter depression magic...?
*Prince Douchebag scowls at us briefly before retreating!*
Kiria: He's good enough to distract people from anything. Now, have we learned something?
Itsuki: i've learned i want to get stronger and kick his ass
Tsubasa: Um...
Kiria: Be captivating and shit.
Tsubasa: Um...
Kiria: Have some vision.
Tsubasa: Wha?
Itsuki: Come up with some god damn magic already! This cutscene is taking for god damn ever!
Tsubasa: I'm thinking, I'm thinking!
Tiki: Oh hey guys? There's someone weird here...?
Itsuki: That doesn't narrow it down at all, and is in fact more normal than not, but the boss is gone so we'd better check it out.
*Back to the office, the producer we saved last dungeon is hanging out with Mamori!*
Producer: Huh, so y'all work here. Where's your boss? We had a meeting scheduled. New marketing strategy for her noob idol.
Tsubasa: Oh god, that's me!
Kiria: She's... indisposed, though.
Producer: Goddammit.
Kiria: She's meeting a creepy photographer right now.
Producer: I thought she dumped his ass.
Itsuki: This sounds like plot, juicy gossip, or both at the same time. Please, sir, dish.
Producer: They were a power couple way back when. Now I feel old. You've never seen their photo book? He put it out after she started spreading her tentacles-- I mean, interest into other performance arts. Anyway, she was totally hot and everyone figured she and the photographer were sleeping together. People thought it was sleazy.
Itsuki: This is interesting, relevant, or possibly even both.
Producer: Well, there's your plot dump, I've got places to be. See you!
*The producer wanders out, leaving us free to discuss plot!*
Kiria: Let's look for this book.
Itsuki: It might help us with our current predicament?
Kiria: Oh, yeah, that too, I guess.
Itsuki: We can see where Tsubasa is lacking as a model, that's obviously what we need to know.
Tsubasa: because there's no chance that's just creepy stalker bullshit
Touma: I don't even care, that prick just needs to get the fuck over it.
*We find her photo book! Its glow enthralls us!*
Itsuki: PERFORMA PLEASE
Tsubasa: She looks relaxed...? Can I hold it?
Touma: Look at this softcore shit, no wonder everyone thought they were banging. Wow. I am uncomfortable with thinking of her as this hot, that leads nowhere good.
Tsubasa: Anyway, I think they were super in sync and trusted each other! And I was, for some reason, really nervous my first visit with the creepy photographer! That was so disrespectful to, like, the entire world! I have to learn to be okay with having my pictures taken! So could you check out some poses for me?
Itsuki: sweet anime jesus why is this not over yet
*Kiria and Touma hang around three feet away third-wheeling while Itsuki gives a running commentary on Tsubasa's modeling poses!*
Tsubasa: OK, got it!
Itsuki: THANK FUCK LET'S FUSE THIS SHIT
Kiria: With this, I think you can prove yourself to that photographer. With your lance. Directly up his ass.
*We fuse this shit!*
Tsubasa: Now can I convince him I'm OK?
Caeda: Oh, yes. With me. Though, as the lance, I suggest his heart instead.
Touma: Thank god, let's end this shitty chapter.
Itsuki: As soon as we grind a couple more levels.
*Returning to the boss room after a couple more levels...*
Photographer: YOU'D BETTER KICK MY ASS PROPER NOW
*Tsubasa unveils a new stupid outfit so she can model at the guy! It's super-effective!*
Photographer: The perfect balance of innocence and seductiveness! I HAVE A NEW GIRL TO STALK NOW!
Evil Photographer Ghost Gangrel: Aren't you ashamed of looking like such a ho??
Tsubasa: I am wearing a ton more clothes in the NA version and I am not ashamed at all because it's all for my fans!
Photographer: Stop fucking with my groove, evil ghost!
Gangrel: You are such a vapid whore, oh my god.
Photographer: She has spunk!
Gangrel: I HATE SPUNK. Fuck off and also die, you creeper.
Photographer: Fuck off and die yourself, you philistine!
Chrom: I suggest we kick ass now.
*Ghost excision occurs! Boss time! Bring Tsubasa and Kiria! After he is properly whipped, the dark magic around Maiko disappears!*
Everyone: Boss lady!
Maiko: Thanks for saving me.
Tsubasa: You saved me first by recruiting me into this wonderful idol world :3 And your photo book was super inspiring!
Maiko: Oh, fuck, you all saw that?
Tsubasa: And were inspired!
Maiko: I just bet you were. Ah, thank god for gullible enthusiastic kids.
Photographer: Hi. Sorry I was being such a creeper. You have restored my respect for women, I mean idols.
Tsubasa: Yay!
*Later! Maiko, Tsubasa, and some blonde chick are modeling in the middle of Shibuya because I don't know! The photographer is taking a ton of pictures! It's a beautiful sunny day and everyone is happy!*
Tsubasa: so did that go OK itsuki
Itsuki: Totally!
Tsubasa: Thanks for all the help.
Ellie: Man, I just got in from overseas, and boy are my arms tired of all this modeling.
Itsuki: Why are you fully modeled?
Ellie: Sayonara, loser.
Itsuki: That girl was fully modeled. I should keep an eye on her.
*Back at the office...*
Kiria: I'm glad that was successful, and more importantly over. Good work, kid.
Tsubasa: AAAA SHE'S COMPLIMENTING MEEEE
Kiria: jesus fuck
Tsubasa: OMG OGM OMGGGG
Itsuki: You really are pretty nice.
Kiria: Bite me. ANYWAY, these attacks seem to be getting worse. And the enemies are levelling too.
Maiko: Yeah, we need to get to the root of this. Have to find it first, though.
Itsuki: Well, what kind of person would the head honcho evil ghost want to possess?
Maiko: Someone powerful in the industry. Good point that it's probably possessing someone though, now that I think about it all the bosses have been doing that. They're rich enough to hire that photographer... but that prick's always been cheap.
Itsuki: Well, we look into whoever's been around these people when they started being more evil than normal.
Maiko: That might be difficult to distinguish, but let's look into it. First, though...
Ellie: Hi. Sounds like it's getting busy here.
Maiko: This is Eleonora, but we call her Ellie. She's one of us.
Itsuki: I KNEW you had a full character model for a reason!
Ellie: I am going to be the best actress. And beat evil, I guess. Who're all you noobs?
Itsuki: I'm Itsuki.
Ellie: What do you do?
Itsuki: ...Hit things with my sword?
Ellie: Nooooooob
Itsuki: i don't want any of this except maybe the protecting the world from evil OK
Ellie: Well, I'll help you out any time. It's the HOLLYWOOD way!
Itsuki: i sense a stupid character quirk
Ellie: I'm also half-white.
Itsuki: OK, that makes two, sounds about par. What do you act in?
Ellie: HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN MY SHOW
Itsuki: i suck at entertainment OK i just hit things with my sword or zap them to death
Ellie: It's a breakout hit! MY breakout hit!
Itsuki: OK?
Touma: Good luck with that.
Ellie: Prick.
Touma: Well, if you're gonna be like THAT, I should mention to everyone that your show's ratings are in the shitter.
Ellie: IT'LL GET BETTER
*Phone call!*
Ellie: What's my new offer?!
Maiko: ...It's for Mamori...
Ellie: EVERYTHING IS FINE
Touma: do you see the crap i have to live with, magic ghost pal

Chapter Text

*Chapter 2 ends! Intermission/freeplay time!*
Maiko: You have a secret lesson coming up! Also, let me add Harajuku to your map.
*Fuck that, Touma's got another side story for us!*
Touma: Oh, hey, can we talk?
Itsuki: Sure!
Touma: About girls.
Itsuki: oh god
Touma: So I need help with--
Kid: Hey, it's the loser!
Touma: Hi, brat.
Kid: Thought you said you were gonna be the hero, not the lackey. Loser.
Touma: I'm sorry ;_; I JUST WANTED YOU TO BE HAPPY
Kid: You're really some kind of moron, aren't you?
Touma: I WILL BE A HERO SOON AND--
Kid: MY MOMMY AND DADDY GOT DIVORCED SO NO ONE CAN MAKE ME HAPPY EVER AGAIN
Touma: WELL I'LL BECOME A HERO
Kid: I'm sure that will help tons.
Touma: I'M GONNA DO IT I PROMISE
Kid: You are the biggest moron.
*The kid runs off! Touma wanders off to brood!*
Itsuki: Training time again?
Touma: Alas, it would be a great time to violence our feelings away. But I need to learn how to flirt.
Itsuki: ...Everything about this perplexes me.
Touma: No, seriously, I got a part as the hero's alter ego. They want me to be a hit with the ladies. Since the original actor couldn't make it.
Itsuki: Congrats on being second choice!
Touma: It's pressure like whoa, though. First choice guy is super popular. I need to learn to woo, like, all the demographics of lady.
Itsuki: Dear god.
Touma: I need a wingman, bro.
Itsuki: What's a wingman?
Touma: ...Please come with me to hit on girls.
Itsuki: I... I don't know what our lives have become, but OK...
Touma: Let's try Harajuku, should be tons of chicks there.
*To Harajuku!*
Touma: Let the humiliation begin!
Itsuki: um
Touma: I'm trying to get in character. I can't do this as myself, I need plausible deniability.
Itsuki: I need some popcorn.
Touma: Hey lady! Want to go grab a coffee?
Schoolgirl: ...Why would I want to do that?
Touma: help me out here bro
Itsuki: Might be a nice experience?
Schoolgirl: Well, Mommy said never to talk with PC strangers.
Itsuki: We could text?
Schoolgirl: Well, OK. Here's my SN. See you.
Touma: HOW ARE YOU BETTER AT THIS THAN ME
Itsuki: You may be a flash bastard, but as a main character, I am an emotional chameleon.
Touma: Poor Tsubasa. OK! Next target! H-hi lady! Want to go grab a coffee?
Lady: No.
Touma: helllllp
Itsuki: How about tea, then?
Lady: I have somehow never seen that approach before. I'm busy but you can have my SN.
Touma: Itsuki, you are setting me a good example. Let's keep at it!
*Fade to black...*
Itsuki: Can we go now?
Touma: It's all about having the courage to face rejection! The guts to go the distance! And to turn into somebody else!
Itsuki: ...That performa better be good, bro.
*New magic get!*
Touma: I got this shit! Watch me nail it at the show!
*First we fuse some magic shit though.*
Cain: what the actual fuck just happened
Touma: Eh?
Cain: why must a man who wishes to become a hero train his confidence by attempting to woo random ladies
Touma: Because of reasons!
Cain: what the fuuuuck
Touma: Um--
Cain: I AM QUESTIONING ALL OF MY GHOST CHOICES
Touma: Chiiillll I got this covered!
Cain: If... if you say so...
Touma: I do.
Cain: That kid who keeps calling you a loser reminds me of you.
Touma: I DON'T SEE MYSELF IN HIM AT ALL LET'S GO
*To the show! Someone else is playing the mook! Touma runs out in a lot of belts and animal print to save the day! He panders blatantly to the crowd! The ladies go wild! We meet up backstage...*
Touma: I improvised some lines and I'll get yelled at, but hitting on random women really paid off!
Itsuki: The chicks dug it, bro.
Touma: Thanks for the great wingmanning. Wonder if that kid was there.
Itsuki: I saw him, actually. He was totally into it.
Touma: FLAWLESS VICTORY
Itsuki: Though, why do you care so much, anyway? If you're willing to tell me.
Touma: He reminds me of me. I was a little douche when my parents ran off to escape their credit card bills and ditched me with grandpa. I, too, got bullied and hated everything. But I found strength in stupid hero shows. The formula was comforting. So I want to pay it forward.
Itsuki: I'll be cheering you on.
Touma: Thanks bro :3
*Maiko's drunk-dialing us! Back to the office!*
Maiko: can yoush help me wish a shing
Itsuki: So how drunk are you?
Maiko: Definitely drunk! Not hung over at all.
Itsuki: How much did you even drink...?
Maiko: Couple bottles...
Itsuki: Did you need me to take you to the hospital?
Maiko: I am totally fiiiiine! ow
Itsuki: So what hangover medicine did you want me to fetch?
Maiko: Lemon vodka.
Itsuki: But really.
Maiko: I need some evil magic shit for this. Go ask Tiki.
*Going to ask dragon loli...*
Tharja: oh god not again
Itsuki: Huh?
Tharja: this happens a lot
Tiki: Oh, we ran out...
Tharja: gonna have to go to the dark world to get the ingredients
Itsuki: OK fiiiine
Tiki: That's nice of you!
Itsuki: I'm mostly just afraid of what havoc she might wreak unattended.
Tiki: Fair cop! I'll text you the details.
*After grabbing some illusory crap in the intro dungeon...*
Tiki: Clams, dirt, fungus, and dark magic maaaake... Tiki's hangover cure!
Itsuki: Here you go! Please try very hard not to destroy us!
Maiko: All better!
Tsubasa: thank fuck
Touma: the fuck was in that shit
Maiko: Thanks everyone!
Touma: What kind of hangover requires dark magic to cure? Please drink more responsibly, ma'am.
Kiria: It's a Japanese business culture thing, can't be helped. Also covering up all this dark magic is hard.
Itsuki: So she's a support character?
Kiria: Just thought I'd mention.
Maiko: So let's work hard, everyone! Woo!
Everyone: Woo!
Itsuki: Woo.
*Tsubasa's sober-texting us!*
Tsubasa: Hey, can I get some advice? Everything's happening all at once these days. Dad flipped out when he heard I did modeling, almost like he thought it was softcore or something, but Aya convinced him to be supportive. I'll be at the cafe...
*To the cafe!*
Tsubasa: So I have to do some meet-and-greet thing? But shaking hands... in public...?
Itsuki: Um. We could practice? Nice to meet you.
Tsubaasa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Itsuki: Jesus, you weren't kidding.
Tsubasa: Social anxiety. Can you help build my confidence?
Itsuki: Have to interact with people, I think. Though I can see how it'd be awkward. Hey, you could get a gig handing out free samples! Invites to the meet-and-greet, even; two birds.
Tsubasa: Excellent! Let's do it!
*Out to the crosswalk...*
Tsubasa: Sooooo many people...
Itsuki: Gotta do it, right?
Tsubasa: Definitely! Oh god, it's a person! How do I do this??
Itsuki: Be energetic...?
Tsubasa: I have a meet-and-greet soon, please come! ...He took a free flier!!
Itsuki: Good! Now try adapting your approach to the situation.
Tsubasa: Please come to my thing! ...It worked!
Itsuki: Keep it up! Try to relax a bit though.
Tsubasa: OK... Please come to my thing tomorrow! ...I'm getting the hang of this!
*Training montage! Tons of NPCs get tickets!*
Tsubasa: Oh, hey, I ran out.
Itsuki: Looks like you're over the anxiety?
Tsubasa: What anxiety? Ooooh, THAT'S what I was doing here!!
Itsuki: sometimes i worry about you
Tsubasa: Now it'll be OK!
*New performance magic get! We head back to fuse it!*
Tsubasa: Aaaa, I'm nervous...
Caeda: It's only natural. Don't worry about it.
Tsubasa: Thanks! Tsubasa Oribe, legal adult, is off to the greet-and-meet!!
Caeda: ...I hope she'll survive...
*The meet-and-greet happens! Tsubasa is manning a booth!*
Tsubasa: H-hi! T-thanks for toming coday!
*Handshakes for every businessman and pompadoured highschooler! Backstage...*
Tsubasa: I survived!
Itsuki: And there were tons of people.
Tsubasa: The advertising worked! Thanks for your help!
Itsuki: How was it?
Tsubasa: Handshakes are magical connections with others :D
*Another sidequest triggering, we meet Tsubasa at the cafe...*
Tsubasa: Help, I lack "devilish charm"!
Itsuki: No shit?
Tsubasa: I need it for my soda commercial coming up!
Itsuki: Why the fuck do you need devilish charm to sell grape soda?
Tsubasa: Maybe they need a hard sell for the avocado flavor?
Touma: Make him your wingman, it worked for me.
Tsubasa: Ooh?
Touma: For you specifically, sounds like you want to be sexy but unattainable.
Tsubasa: Like a cat...? I knew a cat like that!
Touma: waitress, i changed my mind, does this place sell anything harder than coffee
Tsubasa: I will learn charm from a literal cat!
Itsuki: Sure, whatever.
Touma: Good luck with that, you whackjobs. I'm gonna start carrying a flask.
*We wander around until we figure out the cat appears in a certain alley!*
Tsubasa: CAT!
Itsuki: chiiillll
Tsubasa: How do you do, kitty?
*The cat shows its belly!*
Tsubasa: I CAN PET THE CAT :D
Cat: NO THIS IS A TRAP
Tsubasa: Figures. I CAN WAIT HERE ALL DAY CAT
*Tsubasa vs. cat deathmatch! A crowd gathers to watch the staring contest!*
Tsubasa: MEOW
Cat: MEOW
Tsubasa: MEOW
Itsuki: what the actual fuck
Schoolgirl: whaaat
Schoolboy: this has gotta be some kinda freak show here
Schoolgirl: I have to post this shit to bookface!
Kiria: Itsuki, take a clue from this and put this chick on a leash... I think she's finally lost it this time...
Itsuki: She's very serious about obeying the random whims of this soda commercial director.
Kiria: I guess she's determined. That's an inner strength that is going to transform her, but possibly into a cat. Still, I have to step things up if I want to challenge First Girl for the romantic lead...
Tsubasa: PRRRR
Cat: MEOW
Tsubasa: THANK YOU SENSEI, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A FUCKING TEASE
Cat: ...
Itsuki: I... guess we have new magic shit now...?
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Caeda: Well, that method of education was certainly very... you.
Tsubasa: I'll totally ace that soda commercial now!
Caeda: That's the spirit!
*Tsubasa shoots a soda commercial on the beach! We stand around and watch it in the office!*
Touma: Super work!
Itsuki: I want a soda now.
Touma: That went about as well as it could possibly have gone, except maybe for the tabloid articles about you talking to cats in broad daylight.
Tsubasa: can we just forget about that part
Touma: NEVER. Fits your image way more than the tease stuff.
Itsuki: Hey, yeah, was the shift really OK?
Tsubasa: THERE WAS NO SHIFT
Touma: Troll-ol-ol. I'm outtie.
Tsubasa: I AM NOT A TRAMP I SWEAR
Itsuki: Yeah, that's... pretty clear.
Tsubasa: ...maybe I should be a tramp then.
Itsuki: Really?
Tsubasa: NO
Itsuki: Well, congrats on the whole career thing.
Tsubasa: THANKS :D
*Triggering a Kiria sidestory, Maiko texts us in a more sober manner...*
Maiko: Staff therapist! Come help me out, Kiria's having some kind of episode! Until you do anything else useful, this is what you're paid for!
*To the office!*
Kiria: go the fuck away
Itsuki: Could you at least look at me when you're threatening my life?
Maiko: Yeah, I was planning a gig for her, and apparently I did something super wrong.
Itsuki: What the fuck were you planning?
Maiko: A super-kawaii late-night show. She'd get to dress up as the mascot and MC! I can cancel it if she stops threatening to disembowel me long enough...
Kiria: I'm'a kill all you mofos. I'll kill you, I'll kill myself, I'll obviously kill Maiko, and then for no reason at all I'll kill Touma too...
*Kiria summons fire magic! Maiko runs the fuck away!*
Itsuki: could you please stop with the psychotic break
Kiria: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD
*Fading out, Kiria has calmed down...*
Kiria: ...sorry you had to see that.
Itsuki: what the fuuuck
Kiria: Look at this fucking costume. Look at it.
*Kiria shows us concept art of a somewhat cute cat mascot!*
Kiria: I suck at cute. It's too... cute.
Itsuki: It's OK to be girly, you don't have to get all... stabby...
Kiria: Me? Girly? ...I WANNA BE GIRLYYYYY BUT MY IMAGE and one time some girl called cute stuff gross and I internalized it like whoa and
Itsuki: How terrible?
Kiria: So now I stick to my mold like a good idol. But I still like girly things in my heart. Like that plushie.
Itsuki: OK, I get it...
Kiria: So I have a psychotic break around girly shit. Clearly the answer is more repression. Come with me somewhere? I'll text you.
Itsuki: OK...?
*Kiria texts us...*
Kiria: So we will go MURDER ALL THE CUTE MONSTERS
Itsuki: those little ghost shits aren't cute at all, your repression has done a number on you
Tharja: are you shitting me
Kiria: VIOLENCE IS THE ANSWER, FUCK THOSE THINGS FOR BEING CUTE AND MAKING ME FEEL THINGS
Tharja: coming from someone who isn't super anti-murder, this makes no god damn sense. you got issues, girl
Kiria: Shuddduuuup
*Five "cute" ghosts down...*
Kiria: aaa
Itsuki: are you OK
Kiria: MURDEEEER
*Five more...*
Kiria: THEY JUST KEEP RESPAWNING
Tharja: no fucking shit, that's how these dungeons work. are you new or something
Kiria: BUT HOW ELSE CAN I MURDER MY FEELINGS BY PROXY
Itsuki: You could try, just putting it out there, just liking girly shit sometimes.
Tharja: stop trying to kill your feelings, it's neither healthy nor truly possible
Itsuki: What's your call?
Kiria: I will go be an adorable mascot. I will accept my love of all things kawaii.
Itsuki: Good, cause that'll get us some new magic shit.
Tharja: dweeeeeeeb
*We go fuse some new magic shit!*
Kiria: thanks for talking some sense into me
Tharja: cutie
Kiria: Heyyyyy
Tharja: you're a cutie. i also lied about not being able to kill your feelings
Kiria: Oh?
Tharja: i'm looking into hexes to turn people into your slaves :3
Kiria: And?
Tharja: you'd make an adorable zombie slave
Kiria: Fuck off.
Tharja: i doubt even dark magic could make you actually listen to me anyway
Kiria: Pfft, I'm out of here, you feckless jerk.
Tharja: see ya
*Kiria does her kawaii show in her cat mascot outfit! She twirls a lot! It's kind of horrifying! But we meet her backstage!*
Kiria: that was soooo fuuuun
Itsuki: Hi.
Kiria: YOU SAW NOTHING but the mascot's name is chloe
Itsuki: Good job.
Kiria: Just professionally being professional! Thanks for the character growth tho.
*Going to actually check out our lesson...*
Maiko: Here's how to pose!
Itsuki: oh anime jesus
Maiko: Your not-girlfriend got some modeling skills, so it's your turn :3
Itsuki: I didn't realize that modeling was hard.
Maiko: Appreciating my hard work is an important step on the way to becoming a true professional.
Barry: LESS TALKY MORE TRAINY

Chapter Text

*Chapter 3! We open at the office with Barry and Mamori!*
Barry: So are you sure you're not forgetting anything?
Mamori: I even remembered to make sure you're packing your phone charger, Uncle Barry.
Barry: SHIT
Mamori: Not a-fucking-gain... borrow mine...
Barry: You're like an angel in 3 dimensions :3
Mamori: save me anime jesus
Maiko: HI :D Ahem. Time to go back to the studio.
Mamori: I deny your divinity but thank you!!
Itsuki: Good luck.
Mamori: See you guys!
*Mamori departs!*
Maiko: Are you still bumming phone chargers off your clients?
Barry: That is an offensive way to put it!
Maiko: This creeper's doing it on purpose, Itsuki.
Barry: IT'S OK BECAUSE I'M HER FAN CLUB PRESIDENT
Itsuki: creeeeep
Barry: She's so moooeeee thoooooo, too good, too pure for this sinful world!
Itsuki: weiiirdooooo
Maiko: You've heard of her show? It's super successful.
Barry: Because of Mamori :D
Maiko: Which is garnering her... these. I'd like to get her some singing gigs, but...
Barry: I'LL BUY HER CONCERT TICKETS
Itsuki: what the hell are you doing heerreee
Barry: I WILL GO AID HER IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE
*Barry runs off!*
Maiko: ...He gets crazier than normal about Mamori.
Itsuki: No shit.
Maiko: He used to be competent and shit. Even had ghost magic.
Itsuki: You have got to be kidding me.
Maiko: Yeah, but he used up all his power in one big battle and his ghost ditched him.
Itsuki: do we have outside confirmation that there was actually a battle
Maiko: He felt responsible for the ghost's re-demise and his life went to shit. That's how I hired him for super cheap.
Itsuki: I would never have guessed. I just figured it was alcohol, or anime, or possibly cocaine. Wait, have you been holding out on me about anyone else?
Maiko: Mamori could be a Mirage Master, but she isn't yet.
Itsuki: Have you told her that?
Maiko: Hahaha, fuck no. She might be old enough for the entertainment business, but even I have some qualms about throwing her into dark magic death battles. Having said that, it's pretty much a guarantee now it'll happen, so in that unlikely circumstance, please take care of her too.
Itsuki: fuuuuck
*A few days later, still at the office...*
Ellie: Hey Tsubasa, our photo shoot is doing great!
Tsubasa: Fuck, that means people actually saw it...
Ellie: That's kinda the point, sugar.
*Mamori runs in!*
Mamori: AAAAAAAAAAA
Ellie: The fuck?
Mamori: LIVE SPECIAL FEATURE
Itsuki: Wha?
Mamori: I GOT ON A SINGING SHOW
Itsuki: OK, I've been trying to hide it, but I have never actually owned a television in my life.
Mamori: It's a singing show that does a lot of traditional ballads! They're doing a special! It's going to be amazing! AND I'LL BE ON IT TOOOOO THANKS BARRY
Itsuki: Barry...?
Mamori: Something about fan club networking!
Itsuki: I have a vague sense of impending doom, but congratulations!
Mamori: EEEEEEEEEEEE
*A little later...*
Tsubasa: I hope she's not too nervous!
Maiko: I'm sure Barry's taking care of her. Despite that, I'm sure she's fine. I have some plot, Itsuki. Our photographer went nuttier after taking a job from Daiba TV.
Tsubasa: That's where my audition was, the one I got kidnapped during...
Itsuki: Well, that's suspicious.
Kiria: Yep, probably someone there is doing it.
Maiko: It's kind of jumping to conclusions, but it's worth looking into either way. Ugh.
Tsubasa: Ugh?
Maiko: Do you have any idea how many people work there, oh my god... Anyway, I'm gonna go check things out. Record Mamori's show if I miss it.
*Maiko leaves! Suddenly, Prince Douchebag saunters in!*
Yashiro: So, this is where you losers hang out.
Kiria: The fuck are you doing here?
Yashiro: Where the hell is Tiki?
Itsuki: I would not have taken you for a not-vocaloid fanboy.
Yashiro: Cut the shit, I know she's a magic ghost and I know you've stashed her away here somewhere.
Itsuki: ...What the fuck do you want?
Yashiro: Explaining myself in any way would be beneath me.
Itsuki: Well, fuck you, too, sunshine.
Yashiro: Hand over the ghost.
Itsuki: Shove it up your ass.
Yashiro: Fuck off, it's obviously the suspicious blue door.
Itsuki: YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM OUR MAGIC SMITH
*Yashiro wanders into the magic shrine palace!*
Yashiro: Oh Tiiikiiiiii
Itsuki: I demand again a statement of your intentions.
Yashiro: I reiterate that explaining myself, however likely it would be to facilitate my goals, is entirely beneath me. I'd much prefer to kick your ass.
*Cutscene fight! Shock shock, Prince Douchebag has a magic ghost too! And more belts than a monastery!*
Yashiro: Last chance to stand down.
Itsuki: Fuck right the hell back off to Final Fantasy, you prick!
*We fight him for a few moves before he pulls his obligatory TPK move from his ass!*
Yashiro: I want the dragon loli, now.
Itsuki: Everyone OK?
Tsubasa: Yeah, cutscene fights don't count.
Touma: priiiick
Yashiro: Weaklings.
Kiria: you're only 5 levels higher you cheating prick
Yashiro: I finally found you, Tiki.
Tiki: Who the fuck are you?
Yashiro: ...Apparently, a moron. Don't you remember? Five years ago?
Tiki: Nope.
Yashiro: fuuuuuuuuuck
Itsuki: STOP SCARING THE DRAGON LOLI YOU CREEP
Yashiro: I suppose I should've seen the amnesia coming.
Itsuki: Yeah.
Yashiro: Then I guess I just wasted all our time.
Itsuki: Cough up the plot, mega-prick.
Yashiro: I TOLD YOU, EXPOSITION IS BENEATH ME
*Yashiro fucks off!*
Tiki: It sounded like that creep knew me.
Kiria: He was involved in that whole disappearance thing five years ago, with Tsubasa's sister and probably me. It was his father who vanished from the stage, which I assume is his psychological justification for being a lone wolf. I can't believe he whupped us like that.
Itsuki: It's OK, we can grind. And we will. I promise you, we will.
Ellie: GUYS, MAMORI'S SHOW IS BEING ATTACKED
Touma: This is somehow surprising!
*We head outside to watch on live TV! Barry has been possessed by dark magic, is all metal-ed out, and is the next boss!*
Maiko: This shit is all over the web. It's actually at a different TV studio than the suspicious one. Guess we should completely drop that line of investigation.
Tsubasa: More importantly, SLIGHTLY MORE EVIL BARRY
Itsuki: Yeah, we all noticed. Shit, he's probably gonna kidnap Mamori. We'd better get over there.
Ellie: I'm joining your party now.
Itsuki: About fucking time-- I mean, really?
Ellie: I do magic too, how much sidequesting were you even doing?
Itsuki: Oh, that's right.
Ellie: You actually forgot?! Ugh. HOLLYWOOD ACTION TIME also I'm an archer ONWARD TO GLORY
Virion: Hi, I'm Ellie's archer ghost. Pleased to meet you. Do help me tame my shrew.
Itsuki: Um
Virion: You're a Lord class, so you count as a fellow noble.
Itsuki: dear anime jesus
*To the TV station! The place has dark magic and cherry blossoms all over!*
Ellie: Mamori! You're not kidnapped!
Mamori: Barry protected me from a monster and--
Ellie: Where'd he go?
Mamori: Through the dungeon gate there. Are you going to save him? Can I come with you?
Itsuki: First, one new party member at a time, and second, you're waaay underage. Go to the office.
Mamori: OK.
Ellie: First, we find Barry. Then, we find me even more lines.
Virion: I'm a foppish aristocrat!
Ellie: I'm obsessed with Hollywood!
(Acanonical interlude:
Itsuki: Hey, Tharja, could I have a sec?
Tharja: what do you want
Itsuki: It's about this whole Barry and Mamori situation. It's just wildly creepy for now, but if we start going any further into the ephebophilia swamp, I'll need your help. By which I mean, help burning fucking everything.
Tharja: ...boys always say that, but they never really mean it
Itsuki: I am serious as death. I can put up with otaku all fucking day, but I have zero tolerance for old guys creeping on living human teenagers. I've fucking had it.
Tharja: why are you asking me
Itsuki: First, because you're the black mage. Second, and more importantly, I know you aren't gonna give me any "but he's a nice guy" or "he's harmless" or "but he has a tragic past" or any bullshit excuses. You're just gonna chuckle a little and start casting. I need that for this mission.
Tharja: see, this kind of thing is why i let you live and be the leader
Itsuki: I think I'll try Cain next. He seems like an upright guy, he's got fire spells too, and after that last sidequest, I think he's about one good push from burning the whole industry to the ground.
Cain: If he even looks funny at a PUA forum, I swear to god, I'm holding an intervention. And stabbing people.
Itsuki: I got your back, spear bro. I got your back.)
*We enter the dungeon! It is basically a traditional Japanese pop-up book with much cherry blossom and pretty water and architecture and shit! We run into some non-hostile monster on the way!*
Monster Director: I'm the director of the big metal show that's about to happen! Go light my fires!
Itsuki: why am I taking directions from you
*We light up some torches!*
Monster Director: OK, you can go upstairs now. But I'll have some more shit work for you there.
Itsuki: uggggh fuck thiiiiis
*Starting a sidequest for Ellie instead...*
Ellie: Hey, could I talk to you about something? The middle of the street is an awkward place to talk privately, so I'll drag you to my film studio set instead!
Itsuki: But we're right next to a cafe--
*To the film set! With two other people! One of whom is holding a film camera!*
Itsuki: What is it?
Ellie: U-um
Itsuki: anime jesus help me
Ellie: T-t-o go on a d--
Itsuki: Hang on, getting a text.
Maiko: Oh hey. I assume you're with Ellie and she's stammering at you. I'll give you your sidequest info in her stead. You have to go on a date with her.
Itsuki: Is this legal?
Maiko: It's a Method acting thing. She plays this girl who's obsessed with love, so she needs to start some romancin'. Good luck with that, sugar-britches!
Itsuki: This cannot be legal.
Ellie: A d--d--ddd--
Itsuki: Date?
Ellie: HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN
Itsuki: Our boss texted me. Tell me she's just drunk again.
Ellie: Method acting is super popular in Hollywood! It's TRAINING! If you try to read anything else into it, I'll fill you full of arrowheads!! ...Do you even know how to date?
Itsuki: Hey, go ask Touma.
Ellie: Losing confidence? Fine, I'll train you up, noob!
Itsuki: That's not what... how does that...
Ellie: First, we need to research! TO THE MAGAZINE AISLE
Itsuki: Wait, which--
Ellie: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF, OTHERWISE PEOPLE WILL THINK WE'RE ON A DATE
Itsuki: ...So if I'm in otaku hell, I must have died... probably before the monsters started showing up...? Crossing the street...? Maybe the train crashed...?
*To the Hee-Ho Mart, home of the Hee-hos! And a magazine rack.*
Ellie: Where the fuck have you been?
Itsuki: Solving riddles. There's a magazine store literally next door. What the fuck kind of date starts off at the Hee-Ho Mart?
Ellie: That's how dates start where I'm from.
Itsuki: Does your hometown have anything else in it at all? Like a well? Or a street corner? Large pile of animal--
Ellie: Look at this article on a general store! Ooh, and this jewelery! Let's check out this shop later!
Itsuki: Am I drunk already, or do I just need to be?
Ellie: This is a date, so you have to do as I say!
Itsuki: Do you even actually know what a "date" is?
Ellie: I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE COOL ENOUGH FOR ME
Itsuki: does this place sell anything hard
Schoolgirl: Look at that cute girl over there!
Other Schoolgirl: She looks all half-breed and stuff, amazing.
Ellie: Grr, my other character trait.
Itsuki: Get that a lot?
Ellie: I stick out in this country, being half-white. However, let's get the fuck out of here. I'm thirsty.
Itsuki: OK, where to?
Ellie: YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW THAT
Itsuki: I know where I want to get a drink... but I don't think you're allowed there yet...
Ellie: I'M GOING AND YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND ME BECAUSE TRAINING
Itsuki: Where IS the nearest bar, anyway?
*To the cafe!*
Ellie: Good boy. Now this is a date-like locale! Training time!
Itsuki: ...What unicorn frapp monstrosity is that?
Ellie: It's a smoothie! They're all the rage in Hollywood!
Itsuki: ...Is it good?
Ellie: IT'S ALL THE RAGE IN HOLLYWOOD
Itsuki: So, no.
Ellie: IT'S DELIGHTFUL
Itsuki: What is with all this Hollywood shit, anyway?
Ellie: HOLLYWOOD IS THE BEST
Itsuki: Because?
Ellie: I'LL BELONG THERE INSTEAD OF STICKING OUT AS BIRACIAL EVERYWHERE I GO. FAME WILL SOLVE MY PROBLEMS
Itsuki: Well then.
Ellie: Ugh, I accidentally said something sincere. GO HOLLYWOOD! Let's get out of here! TO THE JEWELERY STORE
*To the jewelery/accessory store!*
Ellie: I LOVE IT! Ooh, this one is a replica of a movie prop... Hrm..
Itsuki: You OK?
Ellie: THIS TRAINING IS A SHAM
Itsuki: I noticed.
Ellie: I don't understand love at allllll
Itsuki: Maybe real dates suck this much, too. I learned things about you, so that's kind of the point? Ish?
Ellie: Huh. Do you think we LOOK like we're dating, tho?
Itsuki: Sure!
Ellie: That must mean this feels like a date!
Itsuki: I-- well-- whatever gets you new magic shit...
Ellie: I know how to act like an awkward love-obsessed teenager now! Thanks!
Itsuki: i think you already had most of that down but you're welcome
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Virion: Just do like I taught you and you'll be fine!
Ellie: When the fuck did you teach me anything?
Virion: I'VE BEEN TEACHING YOU TO BE A LADY FOR AGES
Ellie: I tuned all that shit out.
Virion: I MUST REDOUBLE MY EFFORTS IF YOU ARE EVER TO BE ACCEPTED TO HIGH SOCIETY
Ellie: I only care about HOLLYWOOD society
*Ellie's drama shoots its love confession episode! It ends on a good old-fashioned To Be Continued! We check it out in the office because there is a 3% chance Itsuki even owns a TV!*
Ellie: So was I amazing, or super amazing?
Itsuki: I'm so on the edge of my seat that I'm actually standing.
Ellie: Yay for training! But this side-story too... WILL BE CONTINUED!
*Back in the dungeon!*
Monster Director: Our monster actors are super picky about their lighting. Here, have these one-use items you can use to light their lamps.
Itsuki: This is puzzle bullshit, isn't it?
Monster Director: Yup. Better hope you go in the right order!
Itsuki: I never go in the right order ;_;
*When all the lights are brightened or dimmed to the divas' satisfaction...*
Monster Director: OK, you can go further on now.
*We cross a bridge to the mid-boss!*
Touma: ARE WE THERE YET
Ellie: No.
Kiria: MID-BOSS
*Mid-boss!*
Itsuki: anime jesus. All OK? Why are you all looking behind me-- what the fuck are YOU doing here?!
*Prince Douchebag wanders up out of nowhere!*
Yashiro: Exposition. Is. BENEATH ME
Itsuki: C'mon, help us out!
Yashiro: Friendship is bullshit. Go grind more.
Itsuki: Bitch, have you seen these fucking "sessions" wreck shit? When you're not a cutscene boss, we are gonna HUMILIATE you.
Yashiro: Fuck offff
Kiria: Hey, incidentally, way to show up right after we kill the mid-boss.
Yashiro: Whatever, sheeple.
Kiria: Just not being hated by everyone doesn't make you a sheep. But if that's what helps you cope with your self-induced isolation.
Yashiro: Fine, get dragged down by your loser friends, what do I care.
Kiria: I've like tripled my level in three weeks, you ignorant slut. What's your beef with protagonist boy, anyway?
Yashiro: I will not deign to answer that, and it is definitely not a subconscious sense that, someday soon, he is indeed going to humiliate me with the power of friendship.
*Onward!*
Monster Director: Now we need a replacement singer to sing the Dia Witch Iroha theme song!
Ellie: Are you SHITTING me??
Touma: Oh my fucking god. Anime? HERE of all places?? Either of you singer girls know this one?
Kiria: Nope.
Tsubasa: But Barry's been there, done that, and constantly wears the T-shirt, so I'm pretty sure I know where to find out.
Itsuki: Hey, you do it, Touma! It's on the same morning as your hero shit!
Touma: How the fuck do you know that, I thought we'd established you don't even own a fucking TV!
Monster Director: Go learn the lyrics!
Itsuki: Aw, man, I was hoping for a shortcut. Fine, we'll go raid Barry's stash... with gloves...
*Actually, after heading to the studio, we just make Touma do it...*
Touma: Y'all listen good, singer girls, I ain't doing that again. Fuck only knows what Balrog lurks in THOSE depths.
Itsuki: (I could ask Tsubasa or Kiria...) Kiria, you got this?
Kiria: kawaiiiii~
Itsuki: Kiria?
Kiria: I mean, yeah, I got this. Look, new magic shit and everything.
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Tharja: hahaha sissyyyyy
Kiria: Shuduuuppp let's go progress in the dungeon and shit.
*Back to the dungeon....*
Monster Director: The fuck took you so long?
Kiria: I'm'a sing the fuck out of this kawaii shit.
*Kiria sings the sugary theme song!*
Monster Director: Shit man, we got an upgrade here. Door open!
*We go through the door!*
Monster Director: Actually, never mind. Here, deliver some scripts for me.
Itsuki: this whole fucking show is a figment of your god damn imagination
Monster Director: JUST GET THESE OUT THERE BEFORE THE WRITER CHANGES HIS MIND AGAIN
*We deliver the scripts within the time limit!*
Monster Director: Great job! Time for the show! I'll open the door for you now.
Itsuki: fuck yoooou
*We cross the Boss Bridge! Evil Metal Barry is strumming his guitar-axe and cackling with abandon!*
Itsuki: Well, that's Barry all right.
Ellie: My ears hurt.
Kiria: There's negative energy coming off him, too.
Chrom: I suggest kicking the ass of that suspicious evil ghost behind him.
Itsuki: Yeah, I know the score, we separate them and then--
Mamori: UNCLE BARRYYYYY
Itsuki: YOU WERE JUST IN THE OFFICE THREE MINUTES AGO, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU SKIP THROUGH THE DUNGEON
Mamori: I WANT TO HELP! I CAN'T JUST DO NOTHING
Itsuki: YES YOU COULD, IT'S REALLY REALLY EASY
Mamori: Why is Uncle Barry playing guitar with an evil ghost monster thing, anyway?
Kiria: Brainwashing.
Mamori: Poor Uncle Barry... he was always so supportive of me... and he protected me from that monster too! I'm going to help him this time!
Itsuki: I'm still not ruling out the possibility of grooming.
Mamori: STOP BEING EVIL, UNCLE BARRY
Barry: Your indescribable kawaiiness is getting through to me!
Evil Ghost Draug: Shuddup and axe shit.
Barry: But my pure fannish love!
Itsuki: He's being saved by the power of otaku. First time for everything, I guess.
Chrom: His fighting off the Mirage through sheer willpower is way more impressive than the other times someone fought off a Mirage through willpower, because there was more song magic bullshit then.
Itsuki: Oh, yeah, you should sing, Mamori! He'll otaku the fuck out of that.
Mamori: OK!
*Mamori sings two lines of a cutesy song! It's super effective!*
Kiria: Huh, she really is powerful enough to join the party.
Barry: Your song spoke to my heart!
Itsuki: and that better fucking be all
Evil Ghost Draug: I SAID IGNORE EVERYTHING
Barry: You are the least convincing evil ghost yet. SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M HAVING A PURE ANIME MOMENT HERE
Evil Ghost Draug: IGNORE--
Barry: THE POWER OF METAL COMPELS YOU
Chrom: OK, there's the shiny orb, we can break the connection now.
Itsuki: Fuck yeah. Boss time!
*Comparatively easy boss battle later...*
Barry: I'm back, baby!
Mamori: Yay!
Barry: Thanks, Mamori! I'm gonna be an even more devoted fan of yours now!
Mamori: Did I really help?
Barry: You SANG and it was AWESOME
Evil Ghost Draug: I'm... not totally dead here...
Caeda: Knight class, huh? Tend to be stubborn bastards.
Barry: He used to be my ghost pal. You want him, Mamori?
Mamori: Huh? Me? AA I'M GLOWING
Itsuki: Huh, I guess it could work after all. Want a ghost pal?
Kiria: ...Are all y'all sure about this?
Barry: She's too powerful not to get dragged into this. Better she joins a party than just get kidnapped all the time. And my old ghost pal could whup some ass. So, willing to whip him back into shape?
Mamori: I don't actually have any idea what the fuck is going on here, but I like joining parties, so...
Barry: Awesome! He's a great ghost pal to have!
Itsuki: OK, so I take this magic performa ball from your chest in a way that is not at all disturbing, and I gently smack the evil ghost with it, until, poof! De-eviled!
*Evil Ghost changes to Less Evil Ghost! Mamori gains a set of Golden Bunny Armor!*
Draug: What the fuck have I been doing? And why am I an emoticon windmill axe now...?
Barry: That's more like it!
Draug: But aren't you my master?
Barry: Nope! I need you to protect the moe waif instead!
Draug: But... what...? Well, an order's an order.
Mamori: Hi, I'm a kid and no one has told me what the fuck is going on. Nice to meet you.
Draug: Age doesn't matter!
Itsuki: oh god
Draug: Pleased to meet you, new Master.
Itsuki: I'll explain later. And I'll be around to talk any time. At all. About anything weird that happens. At all.
Mamori: My new ghost pal and I will do our best!
Draug: Sorry about losing my mind for a while there. I do not remember what the fuck happened to me.
Barry: I'm guessing they brainwashed you after they beat the crap out of me. But now everything's fine! HAHAHA
*Back to the studio, everything's all de-eviled!*
Producer: Oh, hey, you again.
Itsuki: Oh, hey, you again...
Producer: And your whole damn entertainment company, too. 'Sup?
Itsuki: Just here supporting Mamori.
Producer: Is that really all?
Itsuki: Sorry, I'm just starting to suspect you now.
Producer: Can't fool me that easily! You didn't get anything either, huh?
Itsuki: I actually have no idea what you mean.
Producer: Oh, you're not here to check out the alleged weird incident? I had a meeting here, but then I heard about something strange going on. It's obviously completely normal now, so despite the televised evidence, it must have been a false alarm!
Kiria: Please stop investigating weird shit. Escort missions suck. And you're showing up way too often.
Producer: True, I just got curious after getting trapped in that dungeon the one time.
Kiria: Riiiight. Please stop.
Producer: Sure I will! I'm too busy to risk myself on anything stupid. I have a duty to spice up the entertainment industry of Japan!
Itsuki: (am I allowed to figure out he's evil yet)
Producer: By the way, that TV company you were suspicious of just appointed a new president. He's strange and suspicious and no one's heard of him before.
Itsuki: That's certainly suspicious. Why are you telling us this?
Producer: Exposition! See you!
Itsuki: Hmm. That's certainly suspicious. In a few ways.
Kiria: I sure hope that producer doesn't get any ideas.
Tsubasa: I thought for sure he caught us sneaking out of the dungeon.
Itsuki: (chances of evil: 90%)
*Back to the office!*
Mamori: You should rest!
Barry: Fiiine. Thanks for the bailout.
Tsubasa: I'm just glad you're OK!
Touma: Me too. But that was a really stupid risk you took.
Ellie: Yeah, fighting monsters when you're not even a Master anymore.
Barry: I know, I was just blinded by my love for Mamori. Sorry.
Tsubasa: That was some good singing, though. I'd better work hard if I don't want to be upstaged.
Itsuki: I've checked her profile, she's 11.
Maiko: Shut up, y'all, we've got some TV to watch.
Barry: AAAAAAAA MAMORI TIME
Maiko: The live special went to hell, but they called her back for a regular show.
Mamori: It was awesome!
Maiko: They loved you and it reflected well on me. I mean, us. Welcome to a singing career!
Mamori: YAAAY!
*We watch Mamori, in her kimono on a vaguely traditional Japanese set, sing the entirety of her sweetly melancholy love song! It is allegedly a traditional-style ballad! It's OK because the lyrics hint vaguely that it's about some past life! Chapter 3 end!*

Chapter Text

*Intermission start time!*
Maiko: Hahaha, I have the best lesson lined up for you, you are never going to guess...
Itsuki: I am so glad I have like 12 side stories suddenly open.
*Checking in with Tiki!*
Tiki: I want a donut!
Itsuki: That is the dumbest and yet most reasonable request I have had in ages.
Tiki: Tsubasa was talking about this one at the Hee-Ho Mart...
Itsuki: Easy-to-date girl, huh.
Tiki: It's a honey-caramel-banana-chocolate one :3
Itsuki: Jesus.
Tiki: It's a special item and it sells out really fast!
Itsuki: OK, I'll try to grab one for you.
Tiki: YAAAY
*Visiting the Hee-hos!*
Itsuki: Can I have a... ridiculous hipster donut?
Hee-ho: Just sold out, sorry. Some schoolgirl cleaned us out. Not sure when we'll have 'em again, either.
Itsuki: Chasing her down sounds easier than disappointing the dragon loli.
*Suddenly, red herring schoolgirls everywhere! But one suggests that a voca-- utaloid composer loves the things, so we check the cafe...*
TikiIsMyWaifu: Hi again, Nameless Kind Person.
Itsuki: Um. How are you? Not hurt anywhere but the head?
TikiIsMyWaifu: I'm fine.
Itsuki: Wait, that bag there! You are the donut tycoon!
TikiIsMyWaifu: I subscribe to the L school of creativity fuel. What, you want one?
Itsuki: Exactly! I'll pay you.
TikiIsMyWaifu: Eh, no charge, you helped me out of that dungeon and I have tons.
Itsuki: You are weird but very nice. Thank you!
TikiIsMyWaifu: Whatevs. Enjoy.
*Back to Tiki with the spoils!*
Tiki: DONUTS :D THANKS!
Itsuki: TikiIsMyWaifu of all people had some and shared.
Tiki: She's so nice! ...I forgot I can't touch physical things, though.
Itsuki: ...
Tiki: I'm intangible and stuff, as a magic ghost.
Itsuki: ...so what do I do with this thing
Tiki: Eat it for me! I will live vicariously through you, and maybe that's close enough?
Itsuki: Now I'm sad. OK, for you I will eat a hipster donut. Though I bet Tsubasa would emote more. And please stop staring so hard.
Tiki: What's it like?!
Itsuki: Um... crispy outside... moist inside... not as sweet as it sounds... ingredients blend harmoniously... oh, hey, it's got some chopped nuts, that's what the crunch was...
Tiki: What do you think of it??
Itsuki: It's delicious. I see why it's so popular.
Tiki: I'm glad :D Thanks! The physical world is so cool. It has donuts and idols and people and... cool stuff! I wish I had more dimensions...
Itsuki: You still have us.
Tiki: I'm a lot less lonely now you're here! Many more magic ghost friends! I love this world and we'll protect it!
*Side story complete! Talking to Barry, reluctantly...*
Barry: I need the limited-edition Mamorin charm! Otherwise my collection won't be complete and I won't be able to concentrate while teaching Tsubasa! Let me goooo...
Tsubasa: But my lesson... please help, Itsuki...
Itsuki: What even is a Mamorin charm?
Barry: A CHARM OF MAMORIN YOU IGNORANT SLUT
Itsuki: I should have known better.
Barry: They're sold out everywhere! This Goodman is a Sadman... But I heard there's some at the Hee-ho Mart right across the street! I HAVE TO GO GET THEM
Tsubasa: I'm learning even less than usual today...
Barry: I'M A GROWN MAN AND I NEED PERMISSION TO CROSS THE STREET
Itsuki: Will it stop this madness if I go get the damn thing? I will if you promise to be useful.
Barry: JUST AS PLANNED
Itsuki: Fuck, it was a trap.
Barry: BARRY GOODMAN IS NOT A TRAP! Thank you for your kindness! It's a deal!
Itsuki: I just got played hard, didn't I?
Barry: GO GET ME MY CHARM, AMATEUR
Tsubasa: I apologize for my part in this.
Itsuki: Oh, I know where the blame lies here.
Barry: GET THEE TO A HEE-HO MART
*Crossing the street...*
Itsuki: Have any "Mamorin charms"?
Hee-ho: All out.
Itsuki: God dammit, Hee-ho. How else can I get the thing?
Hee-ho: It's a special edition... I dunno...
Itsuki: Yes you do.
Hee-ho: Wellll, since you're a regular and all... I can tell you who bought the last one if you keep that to yourself...
Itsuki: Yes, please.
Hee-ho: Can I have your number to send you the deets?
Itsuki: Of course! ...Was this another trap?
Hee-ho: I look forward to your continued patronage :3
*Checking out the texts...*
Hee-ho: So it was some really busty lady with glasses who was buying liquor in the middle of the day. Good luck!
Itsuki: Mystery solved.
*To the office!*
Maiko: Hullo there. Do you need anything?
Itsuki: If this is some sort of Mrs. Robinson plot you schemed up with Barry, I'm burning everything. Do you have the charm?
Maiko: Yup.
Itsuki: May I have it?
Maiko: Nope, I bought it for Mamori, so she's got it.
Itsuki: I bet I know why. Do you happen to know where she is?
Maiko: Nope. She really seemed to want it, though.
Barry: GET OVER HERE WITH MY CHARM
*To the studio...*
Tsubasa: help
Barry: WHERE IS IT
Mamori: Hi! Here's a charm for you, Itsuki!
Itsuki: Thanks. Um, do you want this...
Barry: I COULDN'T POSSIBLY
Mamori: I got one for you too :3 See you!
Barry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Tsubasa: Could we... lesson...?
Barry: YOU'RE THE BEST 3D GIRL EVER, MAMORI
Itsuki: At least... he's happy...
Tsubasa: I guess I should probably just study for school today instead...
*That's that, thank fuck. Mamori sidequest! We get a text from her!*
Mamori: hellllp showbiz mommy and daddy are fighting
*We head over to see what's going on and get a text from Maiko!*
Maiko: Oh hey, I left the kid at Daitama, could you pick her up?
Itsuki: Already here. What happened?
Maiko: Barry has some weird thing about her not doing her show still. Gotta talk him down, see you!
Itsuki: I thought he liked that show.
Mamori: I just said I wanted to do some singing, and now he thinks I shouldn't do anything else at all..
Itsuki: Friggin' otaku.
Mamori: Just because I want a singing career doesn't mean I want to give up the show yet... I mean, it made me famous... I only did it because all the grownups told me to, but when I got fans, I started valuing it for itself...
Itsuki: So Barry's just freaking out over nothing?
Mamori: He's just trying to protect me! I'm not good at asserting myself because I'm 11, so he's just trying to do it for me. Without asking me what I actually want. BUT HE'S SUCH A NICE GUY
Itsuki: sigh
Mamori: So I want the courage to speak for myself so he doesn't have to!
Itsuki: I'm sure that will stop him.
Draug: Strength, huh? That's my area of expertise. Come hit me up.
*Mamori goes to talk to him!*
Mamori: He says there's a brainwashed ghost I can go beat up and get advice from. Come help me?
Itsuki: Sure ain't letting you go alone...
*Back to the Sakura dungeon!*
Draug: So the ghost of General Lorenz should be around here somewhere. Who better to learn standing up for yourself from?
Itsuki: Wait, that sounds like memory, there. I thought all you ghosts had amnesia.
Draug: I don't remember him WELL...
Itsuki: OK, operation rescue the general with violence is a go.
*Off to find the ghost...*
Draug: Please wake up! You used to be all patriotic and noble and shit!
Lorenz: Fuck that, I'd rather beat shit up. LET'S BEAT UP THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD
Itsuki: Sounds like it's ass-whuppin time.
Mamori: aaa
Itsuki: C'mon, you can do this, you've got backup.
Mamori: OK! Confidence!
*When we eventually successfully beat the shit out of General Lorenz, Advice Ghost...*
Mamori: I SAID WAKE UP
Lorenz: ow
Draug: You OK, sir?
Lorenz: Thanks... I think...
Itsuki: So, advice pls? She wants to be more confident.
Lorenz: She just helped beat the shit out of me. The fuck else does she want? I dunno, stop worrying so much what other people think of you? Do what you want more? Always remember, you have a big damn fuck-off axe.
Mamori: Oh hey, I do!
*Her newfound confidence in her big damn fuck-off axe gains us new magic shit!*
Lorenz: also ow
*Back to fusing magic shit...*
Draug: So you told Barry to back the fuck off?
Mamori: Yes, he was very proud of me!
Draug: I'm sure that's why he was crying, yes. He likes you quite a bit. Perhaps too much.
Mamori: Thanks for the help! I have confidence and strength now!
Draug: It lay within you all along. I'm sure your... whatever performances you do... will be even better now.
*On today's special episode of Microwavin' with Mamorin! We learn how to make curry in the microwave with a flavor packet and precooked rice! With a microwave, you can make anything!! We watch with Barry backstage!*
Barry: She's even more amazing! I was holding her back, wasn't I? Instead of overprotecting her, I'll let you do that now.
Itsuki: Um.
Mamori: Hi! Where're you off to? We're supposed to leave together!
Barry: GOD REALLY DOES EXIST
Itsuki: What.
Barry: I'll be waiting for you outside, then, for as long as it takes!
Mamori: ...That was kind of strange.
Itsuki: Anyway, how'd it go?
Mamori: Awesome, I hope! Thanks for helping me believe in myself! ...wait, does that mean I had to rely on you for that though...?
Itsuki: That's what friends are for. Besides, you smacked the shit out of that guy. With a big fuck-off axe.
Mamori: Oh, yeah, I totally did!
*To the lesson studio! Mamori and Itsuki are taking lessons with Barry!*
Barry: WOO great work! You will cause mass devastation from the force of your sheer kawaii!
Mamori: I don't think I want that...
Barry: Your turn, boy.
Itsuki: Laaaaa...
Barry: You still suck.
Itsuki: LAAAAA
Barry: LEARN TO BREATHE RIGHT OR YOU'LL NEVER RISE TO THE LEVEL OF MAMORI BACKUP SINGER
Mamori: Um, are you being too hard on him?
Barry: He's gotta take this seriously! SIT-UP TIME
Itsuki: Don't worry, kid, I got this.
Barry: 300 SQUATS AND SIT-UPS EACH
Itsuki: THAT'S NOT PERFORMING, SO I CAN DO IT!

Chapter Text

*Chapter 4 start! Tsubasa and Kiria are chatting in the office!*
Tsubasa: Kiriaaaa can you tell me the story of your first conceeeert~
Kiria: I'm pretty sure you know more about it than I do...
Tsubasa: But I want to hear your melodious voice!
Itsuki: chiiilllll
Aya: Grow above the fangirl. Grow beyond the fangirl. How'd you do on your math test?
Tsubasa: uuuugh
Aya: LEARN WORK-LIFE BALANCE TSUBASA
Tsubasa: It's not like you didn't suck at math too...
Aya: STUDY HARD
Tsubasa: BUT I DIIIID AND WHO USES CALCULUS IN REAL LIFE ANYWAY
Maiko: I have news! You've been chosen to play the lead in Daiba's new TV show, "Sneeze Detective Maho"!
Tsubasa: WHAAAT
Maiko: Their suspicious new president has taken quite a shine to you!
Tsubasa: No, but seriously...
Aya: Huh, big part for a noob.
Maiko: Hahaha, I knew I was right to make her take acting lessons!
Itsuki: Maybe it was the music video?
Maiko: It was quite the breakout hit.
Kiria: Mostly they were talking about the crazy CGI, but the song grew on them, too.
Tsubasa: But seriously, where's the part where this turns out to be a prank for one of those shitty reality shows? I would like to fast-forward to that part now.
Maiko: Sorry, it's a real show with an actual director aimed at theoretical teens. This is your chance to make it bigger!
Tsubasa: I've HEARD of that guy. You're seriously not shitting me?
Maiko: Look, I even have a script. You'll be playing an incredibly skilled detective who changes personalities when she sneezes! Better study hard, the director is a hardass.
Tsubasa: I would like to wake up now.
Maiko: Ellie got a part in it, too.
Tsubasa: So I'll have a friend there?
Maiko: Even Prince Douchebag will cameo!
Aya: Do your best!
Itsuki: I'll be rooting for you!
Maiko: Guess what, sucker, you got a part too.
Itsuki: I NEVER EVEN AUDITIONED
Maiko: Don't worry, you're just an extra, you're not good enough at anything but stabbing and zapping for anything else. Y'all better go to the rehearsal.
Itsuki: But I suck at all things entertainment.
Maiko: You're an extra, you're just there to look pretty-- and that, toyboy, you can do. Good luck!
*A few days later...*
Maiko: Time for you to head to the studio!
Itsuki: Um, can I ask you something?
Maiko: On a date??
Itsuki: No.
Kiria: Oh, hey, can I talk to you for--
Maiko: THEY'RE COMPETING FOR MY ATTENTION I LOVE THIS SHIT
Kiria: ...
Maiko: Just trollin'.
Kiria: Seriously though.
Itsuki: I wanted to talk about that producer guy, he's suspicious as balls. I mean, looking into all this magic shit.
Maiko: Sounds problematic. He's too important to shut up, too. What a pain in the ass. Try to scare muggles off from this stuff, OK?
Itsuki: Got it.
Kiria: Also, the new Daiba TV president is suspicious as fuck.
Maiko: And he was pushing to cast Tsubasa...
Kiria: Way too hard.
Maiko: It is weird for him to jump in like that.
Itsuki: Maybe he's just an otaku...?
Maiko: That'd be nice.
Kiria: Come the fuck on, people.
Maiko: Yeah, keep your eyes open. I'll keep investigating.
*We wander over to the studio and start bugging people!*
Yashiro: The fuck are you doing here? Four words or less, please.
Itsuki: I'm an extra... bitch. What are you playing in this thing, anyway?
Yashiro: Here, just read the fucking script and leave me alone. I've already memorized my lines.
Itsuki: woooow
Yashiro: It's called being an actor. The fuck do you think I am, Johnny Depp? Read the damn thing so you know what scene you're gonna be in, at least.
Itsuki: Huh, looks like you're the bad guy. I'm sure you're gonna have to stretch yourself hard for that one. Got a lot of scenes with Tsubasa.
Yashiro: Why the fuck did a total amateur get cast here? And for the love of god, if you try to deny it I will beat you senseless.
Itsuki: No, you're right, she's a total noob and this is weird as fuck. Blame the suspicious president.
Yashiro: Welp, he's evil.
Itsuki: You think he had an ulterior motive?
Yashiro: You just said... you are too fucking stupid to live. Why do you care what I think? I kicked your ass, remember?
Itsuki: Do you seriously not feel the call of the party beckoning your heart?
Yashiro: I'm the one asking questions here!
Itsuki: Despite your persistent lack of exposition, you haven't done much evil other than be a stubborn jackass. Stubborn jackasses are low on my priority list of enemies at this point.
Yashiro: Such a moron.
Itsuki: Is this about your missing daddy issues? 'Cause we're trying to investigate shit, and--
Yashiro: Get the fuck away from me, you weirdo.
Ellie: Nervous, Tsubasa?
Tsubasa: No, I'm just feeling very faint.
Ellie: nooooob. Just jump in and give it your all! It's the HOLLYWOOD way!
Tsubasa: but I don't have anythiiiing
*Filming starts!*
Tsubasa: But that must mean... this was all part of the Hip Hunter Killer's plan... Will I be able to catch such a cunning criminal? Sneeze. Heehee, cool! I'm'a kick some ass!
Director: OH MY GOD YOU SUUUUUCK
Tsubasa: s-sorry
*Take 2!*
Director: YOU STILL SUCK
*Take 3!*
Director: I THINK YOU STARTED SUCKING MORE
Tsubasa: um
Director: Sigh. Real filming starts tomorrow.
Tsubasa: oh thank god it's over
Director: I WILL NOT TOLERATE SUCKITUDE. ESPECIALLY FROM YOU. WE ARE STAYING HERE UNTIL YOU DON'T SUCK
Tsubasa: please can we be attacked by monsters now
Staff: Poor kid. He gets really pissy at actors who suck.
Yashiro: They should have some mercy and just recast the damn thing already.
Itsuki: I hope she lives.
Ellie: Well, can't do anything to help her now. They say his training scars you for life, but you learn a lot from it. If you survive.
Itsuki: You seem knowledgeable.
Ellie: I've worked with the guy. He's passionate and has high standards. The perfectionist who makes good work but is hated by everyone on a personal level. Anyway, c'mon, practice time.
Itsuki: Doesn't Tsubasa need it more?
Ellie: She's barely gonna be functional after the director's training. So it's on you. See you at the lesson studio.
*To the lesson studio! After getting some kid's lost stuff and anti-diarrhea meds for a dino mascot. Sidequests! Anyway, Ellie and Itsuki are reading lines!*
Ellie: Detective, you must be careful!
Itsuki: I am about as good at acting as Tsubasa.
Ellie: Did you just sneeze??
Itsuki: Wooden line reading. This is my line.
Ellie: You missed a line. It's a catchphrase, too, dumbshit. And pay attention to the stage directions.
Itsuki: You even remember other people's lines?
Ellie: It's called being an actor.
Itsuki: Wow.
Ellie: IT'S THE HOLLYWOOD WAY. Tsubasa seems to be having the most trouble with the split personality bullshit, did you notice?
Itsuki: Even I noticed.
Ellie: She's holding back... or doesn't know how to get in character.
Itsuki: You've really been paying attention.
Ellie: We do this shit for money, Itsuki.
Itsuki: Hang on, getting a text.
Tsubasa: HELP EMERGENCY
Itsuki: Ellie and I are on our way.
Tsubasa: Wait, what are you doing with Ellie?
Itsuki: Acting practice.
Tsubasa: Suuuure
Itsuki: Anyway, be right there!
*To the studio, where the Director is very slightly more aggressive and glowing with dark magic!*
Director: YOU ALL SUCK
Itsuki: Looks like he's draining everyone's energy. More than usual. I think.
Mamori: AAA WHAT DO WE DO
Itsuki: You antagonize them 'till you can get the ghost and the host separate, then you whip the ghost's ass.
Director: EVERYONE FUCKING SUCKS. WE ARE NOT STOPPING THIS TRAIN UNTIL YOU MAGICALLY STOP SUCKING AND/OR A MAGICALLY GOOD ACTOR SHOWS UP TO FULFILL MY UNREALISTIC NEEDS
*He flees to the dungeon! We follow! To the TRON TV studio dungeon!*
Mamori: Aaaa
Itsuki: First dungeon? It'll be OK.
Mamori: Yeah, I have a magic ghost now!
*After a bit of grinding, we head back to the magic smith shrine and talk with Draug...*
Itsuki: Sup?
Draug: Feeling better, thanks.
Itsuki: Gotta keep up the friendship magic.
Touma: Don't suppose you remember anything useful from when you were brainwashed?
Draug: They're fixated on Japan...? That's about all I've got.
Itsuki: Guess they're targeting us specifically for whatever reason.
Ellie: But why the fuck wouldn't they target Hollywood instead?
Kiria: Maybe because Japanese performance allegedly is in the tradition of mystic rituals and shit.
Ellie: What.
Kiria: Performing arts here originated from dances to summon spirits. It's clearly a direct line from there to JPop and our magic ghost shit.
Ellie: Whatever. Anyway, if they're targeting Japan, they must be serious.
*Back in the dungeon, we track down the director!*
Tsubasa: Director!
Director: The fuck do you want?
Itsuki: Stop being brainwashed please!
Director: I AM FILMING THE BEST SHOW AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS! LET'S FILM ALREADY
Tsubasa: But
Director: I SAID IT'S FILM TIME, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE IMPORTANT
Tsubasa: Um
Director: OK, this is the scene where you fight some monsters!
Tsubasa: AAAAAAAA WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE MONSTERS IN THIS SHOW
Itsuki: Hey, Touma, you're into this action shit...
Touma: FUCK YEAH I AM, LET'S KICK SOME FUCKIN' ASS
Tsubasa: Yes, sensei!
Director: Sure, whatever.
*Ass-kicking ensues!*
Director: That was OK.
Tsubasa: YESSS~ Thanks Touma!
Itsuki: Congrats on gaining his approval.
Director: I'm off to the next mid-boss arena. Y'all better haul ass.
Itsuki: Fuck no, I'm grinding.
*Mamori has another sidequest for us, too, actually...*
Mamori: The producer of my show wants to do something new. Namely, skits.
Itsuki: Oh god, acting. I hate acting.
Mamori: Yeah, my eponymous character will have an older sister to cook for.
Itsuki: And?
Mamori: I'm an only child! I don't know how to be a younger sister!
Itsuki: Come to think of it, where the fuck are your parents?... I'm sure you could practice with all the other girls at the agency.
Mamori: Awesome! Who should I ask?
Itsuki: Where the fuck are MY parents? ...I mean, how about Ellie? (Where the fuck are HER parents?)
Mamori: Yeah, she seems the most older-sister-y, except for Kiria, who wasn't an option. And she acts! Sounds great! I'll ask her to join me at the lesson studio. Feel free to tag along.
*To the studio!*
Ellie: Hmm, fair enough. I actually do have younger siblings.
Itsuki: Where the fuck are they?
Ellie: They're bratty younger brothers, so I don't really give a shit. Anyway, let's do some improv.
Itsuki: My ignorance of the entertainment industry is boundless in its depths.
Ellie: It means we improvise. We'll try pretending to go shopping together. Relax and have fun with it.
Mamori: OK, Ellie!
Ellie: AHEM
Mamori: OK, Sis!
Ellie: Thaaat's better. HEY MAMORI
Mamori: Yeah, sis?
Ellie: I'm about to go shopping.
Mamori: helllp
Itsuki: (why do I have to do everything around here) Have her take you along.
Mamori: I wanna come too!
Ellie: OK, but you're helping haul stuff.
Itsuki: Hey, you should whine about wanting snacks, that's sibling-y as fuck.
Mamori: I want to get some snacks!
Ellie: We just did...
Mamori: I want to get some GOOD snacks! Screw your rice cakes!
Ellie: Fine, fine, as long as it's cheap.
Mamori: Wow, we got a lot of stuff.
Ellie: Thanks for being the pack mule. Let's get some ice cream.
Mamori: YAAAY I LOVE ICE CREAM AND I LOVE YOU
Ellie: We'll get different flavors so we can try each other's.
Mamori: YAY! I'll make dinner as thanks!
Ellie: Oh yeah? What'll it be?
Mamori: Microwave curry!
Ellie: pfft
Itsuki: So what do you think?
Mamori: It's weird having someone besides your father or mother or party leader to fawn over. I get it now!
*Magic shit get! We go fuse it up!*
Draug: I'm glad you get to finally act 11 now. I was getting worried about your maturity level. Especially since we're fighting dark magic and shit. Seems like it's taken a load off; I'm sure it'll help.
*Today on Microwavin' with Mamorin! Ellie is playing the big sister!*
Ellie: I'm hungryyyy
Mamori: Didn't you just eat?
Ellie: I'm so hungryyyy
Mamori: I'll microwave you a taiyaki! Microwaves are cooking magic!
*Backstage...*
Ellie: Great work. Itsuki? The fuck are you doing here?
Itsuki: Backstage is where I lurk. Great job.
Ellie: I was surprised when Maiko ordered me to do it... is me being biracial going to provoke any weird racist trolls?
Mamori: Eh, I doubt it. You did a great job!
Ellie: It's nothing for an actor of HOLLYWOOD!
Mamori: Did I do OK?
Ellie: Yup! Party leader approves too, right?
Itsuki: Party leader validation, coming right up.
Mamori: Congratulations all around! ...Can I call you 'big brother'?
Itsuki: um
Mamori: But Tiki gets to, big brother...
Itsuki: fuck my life
*Back at the office...*
Maiko: BWAhahahahaha
Itsuki: save me sweet anime jesus
Maiko: Shit, you caught me cackling evilly. Um. I was just thinking about Mamori and Tiki.
Itsuki: This only makes me far more fearful of your evil scheme.
Maiko: They should collaborate! Think about it! Two loli waifs for the price of one! Get the normal pervs and the 2-D purists all in one go!
Itsuki: I don't know if I want to be catering to that audience...
Maiko: It's double the adorable! With that innocent charm and their sweet voices, I'll rake in the cash-- I mean, bring joy to the hearts of all!
Itsuki: Um.
Maiko: Oh, come on, you'd watch that shit.
Itsuki: I guess...
Maiko: Then it's settled! I'm calling them this instant, every second is a second closer to pubescence!
Itsuki: I swear to god, the second I don't need performance magic anymore, I am ditching this scene like a candy bar wrapper.
*Kiria sidequest time...*
Kiria: Maiko called us both? She's up to something, and it's gonna suck.
Tsubasa: Hi, she called me too!
Kiria: fuuuuuu
Maiko: Hi! I have an announcement!
Kiria: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Tsubasa: Yay!
Maiko: You were so adorable as that mascot last sidequest, that I'M GONNA MAKE YOU COLLABORATE
Tsubasa: WHAAAAAAAAAAA
Kiria: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Maiko: I have a song all picked out.
Tsubasa: :O
Kiria: Still breathing over there?
Maiko: Looks like it, but I dunno about any higher vital functions.
*We drag Tsubasa over to the couch...*
Kiria: Did you regain consciousness?
Tsubasa: sorry
Kiria: We will have to be both cute and cool at the same time. I don't know how to cute. It just causes trouble when I try.
Itsuki: This is training time, isn't it?
Tsubasa: I'LL HELP, I CAN KAWAII. ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN
Kiria: anime jesus
Itsuki: Well, there's our party decided.
Kiria: Teach me cuteness, kawaii sensei.
Tsubasa: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TEACH
Kiria: But you can kawaii.
Tsubasa: OH GOD I'LL DO MY BEST
Tharja: oh hey i have an idea
Kiria: Oh god, when did you get here.
Tharja: about when you declared your undying love for protagonist boy
Tsubasa: WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN, MY BRAIN IS BREAKING
Tharja: troll lol lol. be ready soon.
*Texting...*
Kiria: Tharja's plan is done and it involves the Shibuya idolasphere. We are all megafucked.
*To the dungeon!*
Tsubasa: I wonder what kind of lesson this will be?
Tharja: mua ha ha
Kiria: Terafucked.
*To the boss arena! There are monsters!*
Chrom: Tharja, what the fuck?
Tharja: i made some training golems :3 aren't they adorable
Golems: BICKER BICKER
Caeda: Your skills are alarming, I mean impressive.
Tharja: they're for combat cuteness training. come be helpful boys
*Ominous crackling!*
Golems: MORE AGGRESSIVE BICKERING
Kiria: Tharja, what the fuck.
Tharja: oops
Caeda: For fuck's sake.
Tharja: they're pretty strong. try not to let them kill you too many times.
Kiria: fuuuuuuuuuuuuu... FINE! IN THE NAME OF THE CUTE, I'LL PUNISH YOU
Tsubasa: And Sailor Chibi-Kiria too!
*Battle!*
Tharja: hey tsubasa learn charm
Tsubasa: I learned Charm! It's not at all sexual!
Tharja: your turn kid
Kiria: OK, I think I have this too.
Golems: heyyyyy foxy ladies
Itsuki: jesus anime christ
*Annoying battle continues!*
Tsubasa: Yay, we did it!
Itsuki: Please for the love of god tell me this is over.
Kiria: You have taught me the power of cuteness. Tsubasa is cute because she goes all in. But fuck that. I WILL FORGE MY OWN PATH TO CUTENESS, BECOMING BOTH COOL AND CUTE
Itsuki: Thank fuck, it's new magic shit to fuse.
Tsubasa: i am so into this shit
Kiria: OK, now time for an actual lesson.
Tharja: you're such a pain
Caeda: YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Tharja: hey, i used to think you people were morons and performing arts were stupid. i was wrong, though. now i know that you're really passionate morons about your stupid performing arts. and you found some kind of meaning in it or whatever.
Kiria: You seem almost sincere. I like you, you feckless harpy.
Tharja: aaaah ha ha ha ha omg
Kiria: oh jesus
Tharja: i was just excited is all
Kiria: Anyway, thanks for the times you've been helpful. And not the many others.
Tharja: you like protagonist boy dooon't yoooou
Kiria: I DENY EVERYTHING
Tharja: bwaaa ha ha ha ha nice try cutie. it's ok, i won't ever let you lose, especially to another girl. boys might be trickier but i'm sure we can work something out
Kiria: fuck yooou
*Anime cutscene! Kiria and Tsubasa sing JPop together on a silly dessert-themed stage! As always, we are lurking backstage!*
Tsubasa: You OK?
Itsuki: You're not about to flip out and kill people again, are you?
Kiria: THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN
Tsubasa: It was!
Maiko: Y'll get over here!
Tsubasa: OK!
Kiria: ...Thanks for fueling my personal growth.
Itsuki: It's pretty awesome.
Kiria: You bet your sweet ass it is!
*Back to the dungeon, after a bullshit maze section...*
Director: WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG
Tsubasa: I'm sor-- why the fuck am I apologizing?
Director: TIME TO FILM! You're negotiating with a criminal who's taken a hostage! You start normal, then sneeze and everything goes to hell! You're gonna have to be convincing to get even a Japanese audience to buy this bullshit!
Itsuki: ...Think you can do it?
Tsubasa: Is "it" acting or stabbing things in this case?
Director: LIKE HELL YOU CAN
Tsubasa: um
Director: THEY MADE ME CAST YOU
Tsubasa: Sorry?
Director: BUT I'LL GET A GOOD PERFORMANCE OUT OF YOU IF IT KILLS US BOTH
*Suddenly, Aya is here and trapped by dark magic!*
Tsubasa: What bullshit is this?!
Director: I'M A CRIMINAL, NEGOTIATE WITH ME
Tsubasa: THIS IS BULLSHIT
Itsuki: Try acting at him!
Tsubasa: With my spear?
Itsuki: No, just acting.
Tsubasa: ...Can someone show me how?
Ellie: I thought you'd never ask. HOLLYWOOD POWER! Try pretending it's real!
Director: More fucking stand-ins? WHATEVER, IT'S MID-BOSS TIME
Virion: Please be dignified...
*Ellie starts acting at the mid-boss!*
Ellie: Please, just turn yourself in!
Monster: NO
Ellie: But
Monster: NO BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS
Ellie: But-- *achoo* FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK
Monster: um
Director: See, this is why I wanted to hire you instead. Thought you were just chewin' the scenery at first, but..
Ellie: Um, never! The set designers would get so mad!
Itsuki: ...Think Tsubasa can do it?
Tsubasa: Of course I must!
Ellie: No, you won't have the detachment since he took your sister hostage for no goddamn reason. Let's retreat.
Itsuki: but all these perfectly good weapons
Ellie: ACTING LESSONS. You tend to act before you think? Try seeing things through the other characters' eyes. Understand the criminal's emotions. And stuff.
Itsuki: We're retreating all the way back to the office??
*We're retreating all the way back to the office!*
Tsubasa: A family photo of my sister and I!
Kiria: She treasured it. Always thought you'd be a better idol than she was.
Ellie: This loser?
Kiria: Guess you lived up to her expectations.
Ellie: I think we can use this complete lack of new information to give her the motivation she already had! Imagine your sister being killed by a monster!
Tsubasa: WHY
Ellie: JUST DO IT. Would you freak the fuck out? Take hostages?
Tsubasa: I dunno. Maybe, I guess?
Ellie: Ugh, close enough. So that's how this criminal would be feeling in this scene, right?
Tsubasa: OOOOH I SEE
Ellie: So then you try to persuade him.
Itsuki: NEW MAGIC, THANK YOU ANIME JESUS, CAN WE PLEASE KILL THIS FUCKING BOSS YET
Ellie: SLAPDASH HOLLYWOOD TRAINING TIME
*Back to the dungeon...*
Director: CAN YOU ACT YET
Tsubasa: YES
Director: GET INTO YOUR EXTREMELY STUPID COSTUME
Tsubasa: I will! Please, let your hostage go!
Monster: NO
Tsubasa: But--
Monster: NO BECAUSE I HAVE A TRAGIC BACKSTORY
Tsubasa: That's terrible, but-- *achoo! Sudenly, her hair and eye color change!* FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK YOU'RE A DUMB JACKASS
Monster: um
Director: Much better! You even ad-libbed! Oh, by the way, I just disguised a monster as your sister. No idea why she wasn't at the office.
Itsuki: What.
Director: Take care of the monsters for me, I'm off to the last scene.
Itsuki: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK
*Mid-boss! After which we see a commercial for the bullshit detective series because why not!*
Ellie: Not bad. You even changed your hair color. I think you've got this.
Tsubasa: I hope so...
Itsuki: Before that, we need to find that director and the evil ghost controlling them and beat their asses like a motherfucking tambourine.
Ellie: Indeed.
Itsuki: FUCK THIS PLACE
*Through the fucking switch maze...*
Tsubasa: Directooooor please de-evil!
Director: ART IS EVIL, ART IS INSANITY
Itsuki: IDK, maybe if we finish acting out the scene he'll shut up?
Director: I am impressed by how much less you suck now, to be fair. Last scene! The detective finally catches the true culprit... but it is her lover! THE DRAMA! oh and they have to kiss
Tsubasa: WAIT WHAT KISSING
Director: MAKING THE FUCK OUT. YOU PLAY THE BAD GUY, PROTAGONIST BOY
Itsuki: I never auditioned for this shit!
Tsubasa: but but kissing but him but AAAAAAAAAAAAA
Director: ARE YOU AN ACTOR OR NOT
Itsuki: No...
Tsubasa: OK FINE THEN
Ellie: ...Really gonna do it?
Itsuki: In front of the whole goddamn harem and an evil director? This is why 18 is the proper drinking age.
Touma: Hey I could step in for you bro :D
Itsuki: FOR THE SAKE OF DARK MAGIC
Ellie: Have you even read the script?
Itsuki: I actually memorized it while you guys were making new magic shit. I figured I should pretend harder to be a professional. And Prince Douchebag goaded me. I guess I should thank the prick.
Director: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ACT ALREADY
Tsubasa: We're going to lose each other aren't we ;_;
Itsuki: A-yup.
Tsubasa: I loved you ;_;
Itsuki: But I'm evil.
Tsubasa: But we had a lot of good times when you weren't stabbing anyone at all! Nothing can change that! I DON'T WANT TO BREAK UP, FUCK EVERYONE ELSE
*Leaning in for the dramatic kiss!*
Director: CUT
Tsubasa: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT YOU PRICK
Director: HOW WONDERFUL
Tsubasa: YOU FUCKING TEASE, WE WERE JUST AT THE KISSING PART
Director: We'll leave it to the imagination!
Tsubasa: FUCK YOU, YOU COCKBLOCKING FUCK
Director: THIS IS THE BEST SHITTY J-TV SHLOCK IN HISTORY! THANKS PROTAGONIST!
Itsuki: You're welcome, I guess?
Director: YOU HAVE RESTORED MY FAITH IN NEWBIE ACTORS
Itsuki: I want my orb now.
Tsubasa: Yes, I am also in the mood for a boss fight.
Director: WAIT, WE NEED ANOTHER SHITTY TWIST!
Itsuki: I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR SHITTY TWISTS AND TWIST THEM DIRECTLY UP YOUR SHITTER
Director: THE TRUE MASTERMIND EMERGES! PRINCE DOUCHEBAG!
Itsuki: You're fucking serious? You're going to make the obviously evil guy be the main villain? That almost IS a twist, in how it completely is not.
Director: TEAR APART THE LOVEBIRDS, PRINCE DOUCHEBAG
Yashiro: Sure, whatever.
Itsuki: You're gonna make us kick your ass? How awful.
Yashiro: I'm not just being manipulated.
Itsuki: Then fucking lay it on me, prick.
Yashiro: I'm testing your strength or something.
Itsuki: After this dungeon...? Punk, you realize when you join the party, your ass is mine? I'm gonna make you guest star on fuckin' Microwavin' with Mamorin, I swear to Anime God. My boss wants to bang me, I have that power!
Evil Ghost Excellus: YAY HARVESTING ENERGY
Director: Noooo don't hurt decent actors they're so rare
Excellus: I thought you hated the whole world~
Director: I do, but decent actors, man! DECENT ACTORS! FOR THE FUTURE OF SHITTY JAPANESE TV
Excellus: Fuck, I'm being exorcised!
Chrom: Boss battle time!
Itsuki: You fucking bet it is.
Director: I FAINT DRAMATICALLY
Excellus: Nobody cares. Help me out, Prince Douchebag?
Yashiro: Whatever.
*Boss fight! Evil ghost gets whipped!*
Yashiro: Well, I'll be off now.
Itsuki: THIS IS NOT OVER
*We obtain a mysterious shard!*
Itsuki: The fuck is this thing?
Yashiro: I... didn't actually run away, incidentally, I just stopped fighting.
Itsuki: So why did you want us to own your ass, exactly?
Yashiro: If you're going to make me EXPOSIT, I was testing your strength.
*NOW Yashiro decides to go away!*
Itsuki: What a fucking idiot.
Touma: Gonna just let him wander off?
Itsuki: Eh, I'm pretty sure he has only just begun to be humiliated by the power of friendship. Couldn't he have just read our levels off the menu screen, though...?
Touma: Man, who the fuck knows what that guy's deal is, and who cares? We can hand his ass to him any time we want. Let's ditch this shitty dungeon.
Itsuki: This is why you're my best friend.
*Back to the studio!*
Tsubasa: The evil magic is gone! We can film now!
Ellie: The acting's only getting harder from here.
Tsubasa: Fuuuuuuuuu
Director: What the fuck just happened...? I think I remember you sucking less?
Kiria: At least he remembers that part.
Director: You better suck even LESS once the cameras roll. You have that responsibility as a future star.
Tsubasa: Thank you for the approval I so crave, sir!
*Weeks later, we see Tsubasa and Ellie acting in the shitty drama! Tsubasa's dual personality secret is revealed! Commercial, Go! In the office...*
Maiko: Congratulations on finishing filming! The reviews look good for some reason.
Tsubasa: It sucked, but I think I performed well! Thanks for the help, Ellie!
Ellie: I helped?
Tsubasa: Absolutely!
Ellie: Well, you can thank me the HOLLYWOOD way!
Tsubasa: Is that by coming to you for advice every other time I get an acting gig? Cause that's what you're getting.
Ellie: Fuuuuuuuu... well, next time, you will get the full HOLLYWOOD training barrage!
Tsubasa: OK!
Touma: Aw, they're friends now.
Itsuki: We could try being more like that.
Touma: We already are! Aren't we??
*Suddenly, a wild Yashiro appears!*
Yashiro: Yo.
Itsuki: For what reason do you darken our doorstep today?
Maiko: You made it!
Kiria: Wha?
Maiko: You guys owe me so much. Aya, introduce everyone?
Aya: This is Yashiro Tsurugi. He's our bitch now.
Itsuki: MAIKO, I FORGIVE YOU FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE CHILD EXPLOITATION
Yashiro: It's not that I like you or anything. She just wrote up a very nice contract. You can call me by my first name now.
Itsuki: Instead of Prince Douchebag? Fat chance, but OK... Why are you joining us?
Yashiro: Your victory proved that you are strong.
Itsuki: Hit a level wall, huh?
Yashiro: NOTHING OF THE SORT
Itsuki: Then all we had to do was humiliate you with the power of friendship? So THAT'S your kink...
Yashiro: If "friendship" gets me levels, I'm here for it. If you decide you can't trust me, we can throw down instead.
Itsuki: Hahaha, you wish, punk.
Kiria: I believe him.
Touma: Up to you.
Ellie: Yep, shoving the responsibility on you for sure.
Mamori: I'm sure that anything you do is right :D
Itsuki: Eh, I want to trust him too, I just am going to take every single opportunity to humiliate him with the power of friendship. Welcome to the party.
Yashiro: Don't disappoint me.
Itsuki: I can't wait till your first sidequests.
Touma: Pfft, you still talk like a fucking tool...
Mamori: He's just unique!
Touma: A unique tool indeed, you innocent young maiden.
Barry: YOU BE GRATEFUL FOR HER PATRONAGE, YOU PRICK
Yashiro: i regret everything
Barry: I'LL PUNCH YOU
Mamori: No fightiiiinggg!

Chapter Text

Maiko: I have another super special lesson for you! Drop by whenever, no one gives a fuck.
*To the magic forge grotto!*
Tiki: Hey big brother! I-- what the fuck--
Itsuki: He's our bi-- I mean, on our side now!
Tiki: Yay, new friends!
Yashiro: You really don't remember... oh, whatever. Sorry for being a douche. Glad to join you.
Tiki: Yay :D
*There's a new ghost hanging around, of course!*
Navarre: What're you talking to me for?
Itsuki: You're the new ghost pal, I must greet you. Also I want the dirt on your bro.
Navarre: Could we get this over with?
Itsuki: What's with the super abrupt change of heart? I know we kicked that boss's ass, but...
Tiki: It's not like he's talking.
Navarre: You interest him.
Itsuki: Oh god, how much diversity does one harem need?
Navarre: No, just your leveling abilities. I think.
Itsuki: Nobody else has a menu screen? Nobody?
Navarre: You also were a good acting tutor. ...OK, look, he's a bratty sub, let's just be out with it.
Itsuki: And that's why he joined...?
Navarre: He thinks he can grow here and that friendship may demonstrably not be bullshit. Will you leave now?
Itsuki: Sure, thanks!
Tiki: Like ghost, like summoner.
*Out in the office...*
Maiko: Man, with Yashiro and Kiria, I have the two biggest faces in the industry now. Life is sweet. COLLABORATIONS!
Itsuki: Um--
Maiko: WILL IT LEAD TO DEATH OR GLORY??
Itsuki: Um--
Maiko: ISN'T THIS GENIUS
Itsuki: I... guess I'd watch that...? It'd have to be on the office TV, but--
Maiko: I MUST START PLANNING! Oh, help me organize stuff?
Itsuki: Yes, but are you drunk?
Maiko: Fuck yeah I am!
Itsuki: Sigh. What do you want?
Maiko: I must reorganize the contents of this box. By which I mean, burn them 'cause they're all my ex's. And then you should hold me!
Itsuki: Can I go now?
Maiko: Just kidding! Unless you're willing.
Itsuki: Um. Where do I put this shit?
Maiko: Touma's old contracts! I remember when he was an extra and tried to win the lead role for himself. They cut him out of the show and complained to me. Ah, youthful energy. I think you're a good influence on him.
Itsuki: How about this copy of Kiria's debut single?
Maiko: She was so sensitive and cold. She's warmed up a lot.
Itsuki: And this magazine?
Maiko: It's Ellie's debut issue! There's a tiny picture of her in her side role in there. She left it open to that page everywhere she went.
Itsuki: And the not-vocaloid software?
Maiko: I made Tharja program it!
Itsuki: Oh, yeah, this makes creative energy that Tiki can feed on to manifest or whatever, right? 'Cause I'm pretty sure we totally mentioned that before.
Maiko: Everything started that day I met Tiki. It was right after that day I had way too much to drink. When I saw she was transparent, I thought she was a fairy that only drunk people could see... She hasn't changed at all in five years. I want to be a computer program too!
Itsuki: Riiiight. And this last thing?
Maiko: Our scrapbook of precious memories!! It warms my heart in tough times.
Itsuki: Good anime Jesus. Why'd you start this place, anyway?
Maiko: A sense of responsibility. Got to save the world and all. And rake in the cash. It was hard to give up my own career, but I was aging out of it already anyway, and supporting kids is fun! You sure can make people talk!
Itsuki: I'm pretty sure that's the booze, ma'am.
Maiko: Here, have something nice as a thank-you.
Itsuki: oh god not again
Maiko: It's my second model book!
Itsuki: Are you done with modeling?
Maiko: Eh.. I waaant to do more... we were going to do a third in this trilogy, actually. In Guam! My only regret, except moms aren't allowed to have regrets, even the metaphorical ones. Anyway, thanks!
*Barry has a sidequest too...*
Barry: Hey! Help me out with some training or else!
Itsuki: anime jesus save me
*In the studio with Barry, Ellie, and Tsubasa!*
Barry: TRAINING FROM HELL TIME
Tsubasa: AAA
Ellie: Why us? Why now?
Maiko: Because COLLABORATIONS FOR EVERYONE! You're the same age, it's only natural.
Itsuki: I should complain, but we keep getting awesome moves out of it.
Tsubasa: OK!
Ellie: Fine, but only as a rival.
Barry: WELCOME TO BARRY'S BOOT CAMP
Ellie: what the fuck
Barry: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WANNABE, Y'ALL IN SHOWBIZ MARINES NOW. GO WARM UP
Tsubasa: How?
Barry: FIGHT SOME MONSTERS, IT BUILDS TRUST AND SHIT
Itsuki: Is this why I'm here?
Barry: SO THE ROOKIE CAN ADD TWO AND TWO SOMETIMES HUH. GO DO 10 SESSIONS! I WILL BE KEEPING TRACK OF YOU WITH MY MIND
Ellie: bullll shiiiit
Barry: JUST WATCH ME TEXT YOU EVERY TIME
*Ten sessions later!*
Barry: THANKS FOR THE INFO TIKI, YOU ARE A N-DIMENSIONAL MIRACLE! LOL WRONG TAB
Ellie: Cheater.
Barry: HOLLYWANNABE
Ellie: EXCUSE ME, BITCH?!
Barry: SO DID YOU LEARN SHIT
Tsubasa: Sure!
Barry: VERY GOODMAN
Ellie: biiiitch
Barry: NOW GET BACK HERE
Itsuki: Whatever.
*Back to the studio!*
Barry: NOW DO SOME MOVES AT ME AND PROVE THE RESULTS OF YOUR HELLISH TRAINING
Itsuki: you realize we one-shot absolutely everything there right
*Ellie and Tsubasa pose in sync a lot! It is apparently super impressive! They proceed to make a video for a JPop love song! It is basically the sugary JPop version of Guster's "Satellite"! Back at the office...*
Barry: Congrats!
Ellie: You know, sometimes you really aren't useless, Barry.
Barry: Hahaha! I need no praise from some disappointing 3D girl with a 2D chest! If you really want to praise me, get me a signed box set of Dia Witch Iroha!
Ellie: I changed my mind, you're a worthless weeaboo wanker all the way.
Barry: After all, nothing beats Dia Witch! Not even idols! 2D FOR LIFE!
*Ellie has a sidequest for us too!*
Ellie: Let's go see a movie!
Itsuki: OK, which one?
Ellie: Evil Ball of the Dead IV.
Itsuki: You like horror flicks?
Ellie: Nope! Can't stand 'em!
Itsuki: They why...?
Ellie: You know my high school slice-of-life romantic drama? They're turning it into a horror show starting next episode. I blame the sponsors. They're changing names and directors too, it's a complete clusterfuck.
Itsuki: Sounds like it, wow. And I thought Sneeze Detective Maho was hot bullshit.
Ellie: So I figure I should study up on the genre, since I'm being thrust into it.
Itsuki: And you need a wingman. Well, that's my job.
Ellie: What do you think of horror movies?
Itsuki: Bore me, honestly.
Ellie: Damn, I was hoping I'd get to hear you shriek like a child. C'mon, let's do this thing.
*Into the theater...*
Ellie: AAAA
*At the cafe...*
Itsuki: So how'd it go?
Ellie: I guess I learned a little, but I couldn't really pay attention. The audience reaction was pretty distracting.
Itsuki: We could go lurk in a dungeon instead.
Ellie: That's way scarier! C'mon, lead us a party.
Itsuki: That's even more my job.
Ellie: Awesome! We'll work out the details over text.
*To the dungeon...*
Ellie: did it suddenly get cold in here or is it just me
Virion: Just you.
Ellie: aaaa
Itsuki: We've ground levels in here for like hours, Ellie.
Ellie: But now I'm THINKING about it.
Itsuki: AAA BEHIND YOU
Ellie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Virion: ...I'm the only ghost behind her; are you mocking me somehow?
Ellie: jerrrk
*A few battles with ghost ladies later, some more ghosts crash the party!*
Ellie: No problem, we'll whup their asses!
*Indeed we do!*
Ellie: Thanks guys! I'm totally used to facing ghosts now! You just need dramatic tension, a strong heart, and the determination to shoot the fuck out of your enemies!
*Magic shit get!*
Itsuki: Awesome! Wait. Weren't you supposed to be playing a terrified schoolgirl...?
Ellie: ...Fuck.
Itsuki: That's pretty different...
Ellie: I'LL MAKE IT WORK
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Virion: So they're retooling it into Japanese Buffy for you?
Ellie: I impressed the director. This was all according to plan!
Virion: Heh, nice improvising.
Ellie: Thanks!
Virion: But you get less ladylike by the minute, alas...
Ellie: Go suck a cock :D
Virion: You're like the opposite of a proper lady, don't you think?
Ellie: Perhaps I was too abstract. Fuck off?
Virion: Your fear of horror was the only ladylike thing about you...
Ellie: Fuck right the hell off?
Virion: At least your name sounds ladylike.
Ellie: Fuck right the fuck off before I kick you in the ghost balls? Am I getting through to you yet?!
*We watch a scene from Japanese Buffy, where a monster attacks a schoolgirl and Ellie shoots its ass! Watching in the office...*
Ellie: Pretty sweet, huh?
Itsuki: It's a completely different show, though.
Ellie: It's directed by WHAT A TWIST director from last chapter. Also since I'm biracial they decided to make my character half-demon. See, racism is OK when it's in front of a camera! It's acceptance!
Itsuki: Well, I accept you, anyway.
Ellie: Aw... thanks...
Maiko: Hahaha, nice one, Casanova.
Ellie: WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM AND WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT
Maiko: You have a visitor! It's that director!
Ellie: OMG! What beings you here?
Director: I am going to take you... to HOLLYWOOD!!
Ellie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*To Be Continued! Let's do a sidequest with Prince Douchebag instead.*
Yashiro: You. Office. Now.
*To the office...*
Yashiro: my vital energies are dwindling. do something about it.
Itsuki: ...You're hungry?
Yashiro: no i just need energy
Itsuki: Child, I'm'a slap you upside the head with a battery.
Yashiro: I've been too busy to eat. For a few days.
Itsuki: Are you some kind of moron?
Yashiro: I fired my assistant when he didn't want me to transfer. How do normal people not starve, anyway?
Itsuki: We fucking eat...? Shit, maybe getting your ass on Microwavin' with Mamorin would be a humanitarian project. Go to a cafe or something, jesus.
Yashiro: A "cafe". OK.
*Yashiro drags himself laboriously away!*
Itsuki: ...I'm worried about that boy. He ain't right in the head. Huh, a text?
Mamori: Itsukiiiii I found Yashiro collapsed outside the cafe!
Itsuki: sigh
*To the cafe!*
Mamori: Some passerby and I managed to drag him into the cafe. Come help.
Itsuki: Please tell me you don't want me to spoon-feed him. I am all for humiliating him with the power of friendship, but that's just a bridge too far.
Mamori: It's OK, I got him a frapp.
Itsuki: Doing better?
Yashiro: So I just come to the cafe when I'm hungry from now on?
Itsuki: Mamori, you need to help me teach this boy. How do you not know how to eat?!
Yashiro: I've just been too focused on acting and swording and things. Also my father's dead.
Itsuki: What.
Yashiro: He taught me to only focus on acting. So, everything else is unnecessary.
Itsuki: See, if we just get you a guest spot on Microwavin' with Mamorin, these two interests will--
Mamori: As a cooking show star, I am offended by the notion that eating is unimportant! GARCON, I WANT ONE OF EVERYTHING!
*We indeed get one of everything!*
Itsuki: why do they serve all this stuff
Yashiro: what is even going on here
Itsuki: welcome to the party, bitch
Mamori: Eating is an important part of being a hum-- I mean, being an actor! You have to eat stuff on stage, right? So you need to learn to do so convincingly! You never look like you're enjoying anything!!
Yashiro: gasp
Mamori: Sorry, but whatever it takes to motivate you to not starve.
Yashiro: This makes sense.
Mamori: So try a food report! Those are popular, right? Eat something and say what you think about it!
Yashiro: OK, but only if he goes first. To provide an example.
Itsuki: I am not ramenboi90... but whatever...
Yashiro: Well?
Itsuki: This is... a samurai of the ramen world! The clean, seafood soup base is as sharp as a blade honed by a master craftsman...! These wavy, semi-thick noodles... their texture has a firmness to the bite, as if to embody the very heart of Bushido! ... How's that?
Yashiro: Interesting. Quite expressive. Do it with this cake next.
Mamori: That sounds fun!
Itsuki: why are you pricks ganging up on me
Yashiro: Well?
Itsuki: This cake is like a noble lady clad in an ivory, frilled dress, with her cheeks blushing a strawberry dress. With each bite, an overwhelming yet elegant scent and a noble sweetness fill my mouth, enveloping me in euphoria! The princess of the cake world has descended before me! ... How's that?
Yashiro: ...I believe I get the gist of it. The secret to the food report is an overwhelming power of description that conveys what you taste to the viewer... as well as a relentless power of expression that speaks directly to the viewer's heart!
Itsuki: are you hitting on me
*New magic shit get!*
Mamori: You catch on fast!
Yashiro: Much easier than actually eating. New doors have been opened for my craft. I am going to go try other foods immediately.
Itsuki: we're getting this bitch on Microwavin' with Mamorin
Mamori: surprisingly, this does sound like the wisest course of action
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Yashiro: Why didn't you say anything when I was all starving myself?
Navarre: It's not like you would have listened.
Yashiro: True, 90% of our conversations are either ellipses or manly grunts.
Navarre: Interesting to see such a fuss being made over eating. Performance arts are fucking weird.
Yashiro: We have much to learn.
*It is the time of glory! Yashiro guest-stars on Microwavin' with Mamorin and freaks the fuck out over a microwaved pork bun! We are watching his utter humiliation at the office!*
Itsuki: ...You certainly seem more interested in food now.
Yashiro: I worked from your example.
Itsuki: You embellished quite a bit, though. I hope.
Yashiro: Of course I did. I'm an artiste, and you're... whatever the fuck you currently are. I'm eating all the time now. But that made me gain a lot of weight.
Itsuki: That's not healthy either...
Yashiro: So then I lost it again.
Itsuki: ...So is that dark magic a passive skill, or...?
Yashiro: It is TRUE ART
*Sidequest complete! But Touma's been waiting for us in the office for a while now...*
Touma: DUUUDE I got an audition! For a lead role!
Itsuki: About time they recognized your talents.
Touma: Soon I'll be a real hero!
Itsuki: Well, you haven't landed it just yet...
Maiko: Guys, check the news! It looks like our kind of shit!
TV Announcer: An 11-year-old has gone missing.
Touma: It's that kid who keeps showing up in my sidequests!!
Itsuki: Bet he wandered into a dungeon.
Cain: I ain't taking that one. Kid was monster candy.
Touma: I MUST GO AND HERO
Itsuki: I'd better follow him.
*To the dungeon!*
Touma: IT'S HIS SHOE
Itsuki: I don't know how you know anything about his shoes, but sounds legit.
Touma: WE HAVE TO HELP HIM
Cain: chiiilllll bro
Touma: TIKI, ANY CLUES??
Tiki: Chill, big bro! Chill! There's something on the roof, OK?
Touma: SO HE'S THERE?!
Tiki: With a monster, so be careful!
*Heading upward...*
Cain: AAA
Touma: Wha?!
Cain: I sense a familiar presence! But I guess we better haul ass anyway.
Itsuki: Hang on, I got a text.
Touma: Now? Seriously?
Itsuki: But it's a text!
Maiko: Touma's audition is now! Get him over here!
Itsuki: You can still make it, our party is totally capable. You're just in it right now for the levels.
Touma: THE KID IS MORE IMPORTANT. REAL HEROING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TV HEROING
Itsuki: Well, maybe we can kick his ass fast.
*We make it to the roof! Kid's energy is being drained by an evil ghost!*
Abel: what upppp caaaiiin, my rival bro
Cain: SO IT WAS YOU, ABEL
Touma: I thought you ghosts had amnesia.
Cain: Our rivalry transcends plot amnesia!
Chrom: Looks like he's brainwashed too.
Cain: I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT
Abel: SUCKS TO BE YOU, ASSHOLE, CAUSE WE'RE GONNA
Chrom: Ain't no talking our way out of this one.
Abel: I WILL PROVE I AM YOUR BETTER. FIGHT ME OR I SHANK THIS KID
Touma: Sorry, bro, but if your friend's gonna be unreasonable, we're just gonna have to beat the crap out of him.
Cain: Fair enough, but he's tough.
Touma: It's OK, I'm a hero fighting for the sake of someone else! And we saved. And we have the support of our friends! Like you, and Itsuki, right?
Itsuki: I was here for the hitting on girls quest, I'm in for this shit.
Touma: BIG DAMN HEROES
*We kick the boss's ass!*
Touma: You OK, kid?!
Kid: Oh, it's you.
Touma: Woo!
Kid: Are you crying? Holy fuck, you're such a loser.
Touma: Fuck you too, kid :'D Anyway, I have learned that TRUE HEROISM IS A WAY OF LIFE
*New magic shit get!*
Abel: Sorry about that.
Cain: No problem, bro. Rival broship go!
Chrom: Speaking of, want in the party?
Abel: You got a full party, and my partner here's like 11.
Chrom: Hasn't stopped us before, but OK.
Cain: Come on, we gotta haul ass to your audition.
Touma: C'mon, it's way too late for that.
Cain: Magic fucking fire motorbike, yo. Hop on, not-Kamen Rider.
*Touma and Cain ride off on their fire motorbike! Itsuki is left to walk out of the dungeon like a pleb!*
Itsuki: Hope they make it on time.
Chrom: It's OK, flash bastard is fast.
*We get a text!*
Touma: DUDE WE MADE IT
Chrom: See? Now we just wait for the results.
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Cain: Nice job at the audition.
Touma: Starting to get a taste for the biz?
Cain: I can support heroics, at least. Especially your heroics. Way to hero.
Touma: Haha, thanks. You're being complimentary today.
Cain: Eh, merited.
Touma: So tell me more about how awesome I am :D
Cain: Half of it is Itsuki's fault, you flash bastard :P
Touma: He is a total bro.
Cain: Real bros are hard to find.
Touma: And yet I have him AND you :D
Cain: D'aaaaw
*To Touma's hero show! He is a new fire themed not-Kamen Rider, introduced helping the hero out just in time! We are watching at the office!*
Touma: THAT IS SO AWESOME
Itsuki: That's you...
Touma: I AM AWESOME
Itsuki: OK, it's pretty awesome. You did the theme song too?
Touma: Tons of people here to teach me. Kinda mandatory in the Japanese showbiz. Kiria whipped my ass hard...
Maiko: Hey Touma, that kid showed up!
Touma: Hey! You OK now?
Kid: Yeah. Anyway, um... you say it, magic ghost!
Abel: I refuse.
Kid: Ugh, fine. TEACH ME IN THE WAYS OF THE HERO, SENSEI
Abel: "Please".
Kid: please.
Touma: :D
Abel: Would you? He looks up to you now.
Kid: Would you stop embarrassing me?
Abel: I HAVE VOWED TO WATCH OVER YOU AND WATCH OVER YOU I SHALL
Kid: UGH JUST MEET ME AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE
*The kid stomps off!*
Touma: Man, I'm surprised that kid's an apprentice now. Also, since this is my last big dramatic moment... I lo--I thank you for your broship that has gotten me this far.
Itsuki: It's weird hearing you be formal...
Touma: Don't have to be a jerk about it. Or are you embarrassed?
Itsuki: ...Yeah.
Touma: Well, my dream pretty much came true now, so my story arc's kind of over. But there is still much ass to kick! And kick ass I shall!
Itsuki: WE shall.
Touma: BEST BROS FOREVER :D
*Later...*
Maiko: Hmm.
Itsuki: Are you hung over again?
Maiko: You make me sound like such a lush!
Itsuki: You aren't?!
Maiko: ANYWAY I want to make Ellie and Touma perform together because why the fuck not.
Itsuki: I could argue, but arcane magic.
Maiko: They're both getting pretty famous. With two big personalities like that sharing the stage, who knows what could happen? They could even walk down the red carpet together someday!
Itsuki: I don't know, but I'd watch that shit. And use the arcane magic. Mostly watch it while using the arcane magic, to be honest. Seems a bit risky, though.
Maiko: This shit beats the pachinko parlor hands down, baby!
*Ellie wants to talk! On a film set.*
Ellie: So that director is set to make a movie co-produced in Japan and America, because that's a thing that happens, and he wants me to be in it.
Itsuki: Congratulations!
Ellie: But it's all happening so fast and I'll miss my friends and
Itsuki: What, are you not going?
Ellie: I didn't say that! My life just seems to be going really well lately, with the friends and the beating up extradimensional horrors and shit! I wanted to be in Hollywood to belong, but I belong here just fine!
Itsuki: So you have what you wanted?
Ellie: IT'S STILL NOT HOLLYWOOD
Itsuki: sigh
Ellie: I'm conflicted, OK?! So we're going on a date!
Itsuki: What?
Ellie: Why should you care? We're doing it!
Itsuki: ...Sure, whatever.
Ellie: To the Hee-Ho mart!
Itsuki: Again?
Ellie: You remembered :D
*To the Hee-Ho Mart, home of the Hee-hos!*
Ellie: MEEEMMMM'RIIIIIES, OF THAT DAY TWO WEEKS AGOOOOO
Itsuki: Look, it's a magazine with you and your show on the cover.
Ellie: Well, duh! Remember what it used to be called?
Itsuki: Is this a quiz?
Ellie: Fuck yes it is.
Itsuki: Was it "Undershorts Dancer in Ginza"?
Ellie: What the FUCK have you been watching?!
Itsuki: I don't actually own a TV!
Ellie: C'mon, please?
Itsuki: Fine, fine, "Dandelion in Love".
Ellie: Troll. Remember that fake date when I was trying to get into character?
Itsuki: MISTY WATER-COLORED MEEEEM'RIIIIES, OF THE WAAAY WE WEEEREEEE
Ellie: It's a funny old life. To the cafe!
Itsuki: Are you really still ordering those smoothies you hate?
Ellie: POP QUIZ
Itsuki: fucking hell
Ellie: WHAT'S IN THIS SMOOTHIE
Itsuki: Your love for Hollywood. And enzymes or some bullshit.
Ellie: YOU REMEMBERED :D but yeah it still sucks
Itsuki: Then why'd you order the thing?
Ellie: For luck? I figured if I drank the smoothies, I'd get into Hollywood.
Itsuki: Perhaps it worked.
Ellie: What do you think I should do?
Itsuki: It's your dream, isn't it? Shouldn't just let the opportunity go by.
Ellie: I figured you'd say that. To the jewelery store!
Itsuki: We're really replaying this thing?
Ellie: Of course we are, that's the whole point.
Itsuki: There's a point?
Ellie: WHICH OF THIS JEWELERY DO I LIKE
Itsuki: oh for the love of
Ellie: DO YOU REMEMBER OR NOT
Itsuki: The stupid prop necklace!
Ellie: YOU REMEMBERED :D
Itsuki: Seriously, what the fuck is this about?
Ellie: That was about when I figured out what it felt like to be a girl in love.
Itsuki: You got some really sweet magic out of that, yeah.
Ellie: ARE YOU GRANITE OR BASALT
Itsuki: What? What'd I say?
Ellie: WE'RE GOING TO THE THEATER
Itsuki: are you going to drag me to all the dungeons too
Ellie: This is where my character was born!
Itsuki: we also went to the office a bunch
Ellie: WELL THIS PLACE IS NICER
Itsuki: Where's the quiz, sock it to me; this one was like yesterday...
Ellie: What movie did we see?
Itsuki: "Bad Hairdo 3".
Ellie: What the hell kind of... 3...? I'd actually watch that, wouldn't I?
Itsuki: Damn right you would. Anyway, it was "Evil Ball of the Dead IV".
Ellie: YOU REMEMBERED :D
Itsuki: Well, it was your treat.
Ellie: We had such good times. Did you have a good time?
Itsuki: Sure! You bet!
Ellie: Let's head back!
Itsuki: OK, whatever...
Ellie: Anyway, I'm gonna do it! HOLLYWOOD GO
Itsuki: NEW MAGIC SHIT GO
*New magic shit get!*
Ellie: Thanks for helping me make up my mind. I already have a fallback place to belong. And you'll remember me. Riiiight?
Itsuki: Sure!
Ellie: I mean, I won't be seriously leaving until after the plot wraps up.
Itsuki: Damn right you won't.
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Virion: You're finally debuting into high society!
Ellie: I tried to tell you what Hollywood is but I have not been able to get it through your surprisingly dense ghost skull.
Virion: To think such a coarse girl has reached such heights! Training you up was such hard work! ...Why haven't you threatened to kick me in the balls yet?
Ellie: Because I'm actually thankful for the grinding and I want this to be a serious moment.
Virion: *sniffle* Well, you tried so hard, I'm sure you'll be fine. To a classier future!
Ellie: A HOLLYWOOD future of glitz, glamor, and action!
Virion: Close enough!
*We see a trailer for the new movie! It involves a bunch of two headed dragons and Ellie in her archer costume! It reveals exactly nothing else about the plot! We're hee-hoing around in the mart reading magazines!*
Itsuki: Seems like they think it has promise. Did filming start yet?
Ellie: No, we just shot 5 seconds of footage for the trailer. Early days and all. Plenty of time for us to do the plot.
Itsuki: Quite the cast.
Ellie: I will try my hardest and become just as renowned as the others!
Itsuki: Awesome.
Ellie: Can't wait to get back to Hollywood!
Itsuki: Have you been there a lot?
Ellie: 5-day vacation in middle school.
Itsuki: ...That explains a lot.
Ellie: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, PUNK
Itsuki: Not at all! ...Are you studying your English?
Ellie: So hard! But you better too, 'cause I'm'a drag your ass with me someday!
Itsuki: fuuuuuuuuuuu
Ellie: That's a promise!
*To the lesson studio! Yashiro is here!*
Itsuki: Why'd you call me here so suddenly?
Yashiro: Your ass needs some acting training, stat. And by stat I mean now.
Itsuki: But I don't have the script--
Yashiro: I have it memorized.
Itsuki: Fuck.
Yashiro: Even if I have to turn against the world... I would choose you over the seven billion people on this planet!
Itsuki: Fuuuuuuck
Yashiro: TRUE ART! So get crackin'. I'll be the girl.
Itsuki: I had gotten that impression.
Yashiro: This is it... we're going to lose each other, aren't we?
Itsuki: Looks like... our paths have drifted too far apart, yeah...
Yashiro: Come the fuck on, you can do better than that. ACT, loser. You were way better in the dungeon with your giiiiirl friiiiend, care to explain?
Itsuki: are you hitting on me
Yashiro: LEARN TO ACT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT EVEN WHEN IT DOESN'T
Itsuki: fuuuuuuuu
*Take 2!*
Yashiro: Less pathetic. Once more!
*Take 3!*
Yashiro: WE'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU STOP SUCKING
Itsuki: IF THAT'S HOW YOU INSIST ON GETTING ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT THEN FUCKING FINE
*End of intermission!*

Chapter Text

*Chapter 5 start! The gang is standing around at the office!*
Itsuki: Oh, hey, I picked up this really weird thing at the studio when we beat the last boss.
Maiko: Is that what I think it is?!
Itsuki: How the fuck should I know?
Maiko: It's a piece of the "Dragonstone"! It might give Tiki her memories back!
Yashiro: Well, let's do this shit then!
*The entire gang goes to harass the dragon loli!*
Tiki: 'Sup, everyone?
Itsuki: Have a creepy glowing rock.
Tiki: This creepy glowing rock is vaguely familiar... OW IT STUNG ME
Itsuki: Are you OK?
Tiki: NO
*Tiki collapses!*
Itsuki: NOOOO WAKE UP LOLI DRAGON WAIF!
Tiki: ...mph... parfait...?
Mamori: I guess she's not dead?
Kiria: Looks like she's just sleeping.
Tsubasa: Thank fuck, that was terrifying.
*Back out to the office!*
Tsubasa: ...But she's not waking up.
Touma: Did the rock hurt her? MAIKO, YOU HAVE THE WORST IDEAS
Maiko: Nah, no way it could've hurt her! Probably just information overload. Pretty sure the stones are the key to regaining her memory and powers.
Touma: Reaaaaally now?
Maiko: I'm pretty sure the rock shattered just after that Incident five years ago with everyone disappearing. I found a shard just after that, and then I met Tiki. She remembered a few things and got some powers when I handed her the rock.
Yashiro: I see that there's a connection, but what's with this not-Vocaloid software shit?
Maiko: It allows her to manifest, since one shard wasn't enough power for her. Takes a lot of juice to keep her running. So I made a not-Vocaloid to harness the boundless power of otaku.
Yashiro: I see.
Maiko: There was some trial and error, but apparently Tharja is a mean computer programmer. Makes one wonder about her hexes.
Kiria: So it's time for a shard-gathering quest?
Yashiro: Why did that loser boss have one, anyway?
Aya: Oh hey guys! Time to watch the show!
Touma: Get the fuckin' popcorn!
*On the TV, some old guy with a scarf is the Daiba TV President!*
President: It's our 50th anniversary. The internet has disrupted our entire business model. We television networks must learn to cooperate if we are to survive. So we are launching a giant cross-network experience... "Enter Kingdom"! Sub-events will be held just a short step away from all your local dungeons! Another concert in Shibuya! A stage thing at the TV station! A fashion show at the other studio! And a comedy coliseum! All your formerly possessed bosses, conveniently in one place! Pop-up shows too! A whole festival that will definitely not be crashed by dark forces at any point! And Tsubasa's our spokesmodel! She gets to participate in it all! Here's her statement!
Tsubasa: I'll try very, very hard not to let you down!
President: Enjoy the festival!
Aya: You're really going to be famous now!
Maiko: You are going to be hilariously busy.
Tsubasa: I'll do my best!
Maiko: And Kiria and Mamori are in the concert...
Mamori: Roll call!
Kiria: Present.
Maiko: And Ellie and Yashiro are in the stage thing...
Ellie: Pfft, like I'm supposed to be impressed.
Yashiro: No shit.
Maiko: And you're got your own Hero event tossed in there, Touma...
Touma: HELL YEAH
Maiko: Soo... LET'S GET SLOSHED!
Itsuki: we're barely legal, ma'am
*A few days later, floats and signs are set up everywhere! The concert is soon to begin!*
Maiko: Yo, homeslice! What's groovin'? What are the haps?
Itsuki: What.
Maiko: So Enter Kingdom finally started, eh? Has made Tsubasa the talk of the town. You being wingman and general butt monkey has made all the difference in her being able to pursue her dreams, you know.
Itsuki: I'm pretty sure you're bullshitting me.
Maiko: OK, yeah, she put a lot of effort in, and I am amazing, but you contributed too! You're facilitating the personal growth of your whole goddamn party! So keep up the good work!
Itsuki: OK?
Maiko: You should go check out the whole map! Have fun!
*Wandering around to chat everyone up, as requested! Kiria and Mamori are awaiting their turn on stage!*
Mamori: I'm nervous...
Itsuki: You'll be fine! Everyone believes in you!
Mamori: Thanks!
Itsuki: I'll be sure to be around when you're singing.
Mamori: I'll do my utmost!
Kiria: Hey. I have a lot of free time between sets. What're you doing here?
Itsuki: I have no sets and thus even more free time.
Kiria: Good plan. Go be motivating. And check for monsters. This shit is monster candy.
Itsuki: Good point.
*To the modeling show setup...*
Tsubasa: Here to see the show?
Itsuki: Sure.
Tsubasa: I am super motivated now!
Itsuki: ...Good?
Tsubasa: I'm on break. Surprising how much time I have on my hands. Hope Tiki's OK.
Itsuki: Yup. Good luck with that. I'm off.
*To the stage show!*
Ellie: You're that bored, huh?
Itsuki: I'm totally busy with my strolling around chatting everyone up. It takes time and effort.
Ellie: Pfft, whatever.
Itsuki: You're just standing around too...
Ellie: I'M GETTING INTO CHARACTER. You better show up when it's my turn. See you!
Yashiro: ...
Itsuki: Whatcha up to?
Yashiro: Actually getting into character.
Itsuki: Good luck with that.
Yashiro: Like it's none of your concern. I can sense the fire of dramatics burning within you. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.
Itsuki: i think your gaydar is very strangely calibrated
Yashiro: one of us
*To the hero show!*
Touma: Sup bro
Itsuki: Just goin' around broin'.
Touma: Brooooo. I'm gonna make this the BEST shitty hero show.
Itsuki: OK, cool.
Touma: ...But till then, I'm totally free if any shit happens to go down. But what are the odds of that?!
Itsuki: Super low, right? But I'll keep it in mind.
*Checking in on Tiki...*
Tiki: nnmph... just five more years...
Itsuki: Well, I'm off.
Tiki: Oh hey!
Itsuki: You're awake! You OK?
Tiki: *yawn* Guess so. I remembered some shit though. Remember that opera house vanishing incident?
Itsuki: The one that's affected the whole fucking cast?
Tiki: I remember what happened with that now. There was this douchecanoe named Gharnef who wanted to kidnap everyone.
Itsuki: The fuck kind of name is that?
Tiki: AKA "Dark Pontifex". Super magic and super, super evil.
Itsuki: Why's he doing this?
Tiki: To fuel his evil magic. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't.
*Yashiro wanders in!*
Yashiro: Yeah, just saved my ass instead.
Itsuki: Is exposition no longer beneath you?
Yashiro: You're asking that after Microwavin' with Mamorin...?
Tiki: You sure have grown.
Yashiro: you rememmmbeeeerrrr
Tiki: Yes?
Yashiro: Anyway, Gharnef possessed my father that night and teleported everyone to a dungeon.
Tiki: I didn't get there soon enooough
Itsuki: So did you save Tsubasa too?
Tiki: Yeah, but all the NPCs...
Yashiro: Are NPCs who were attacked by the evil guy, so it's his fault. And theirs, for being NPCs. Anyway, he was performing some creepy ritual shit.
Tiki: "Opera of Shadows".
Itsuki: What fresh bullshit is this?
Tiki: Usual world destruction magic ceremony stuff. It summons a Shadow Dragon to wreck shit.
Caeda: Hi! This sounds familiar!
Tiki: It's a big evil dragon emperor. Like, super evil. And Gharnef was trying to summon it. He did that more successfully where we magic ghosts used to live. Everyone had been at war for ages, so we thought we were prepared to kick his ass.
Chrom: Hi. So did we win?
Tiki: A whole lot of us joined together! And fought and fought and fought and no! No, we did not! And then we got dumped into the dungeon dimension!
Caeda: So our world got destroyed?
Tiki: Well, I wasn't there to see it, but it seems the only logical conclusion, since we're all here and stuff. Anyway, having that prior knowledge of the ritual, I knew it when I saw it again.
Itsuki: So what stopped it?
Yashiro: My dad's noble self-sacrifice. These evil pricks really need to learn to stop threatening their puppets' families. They find it very motivational.
Itsuki: Well, that's depressing.
Yashiro: So, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy hard.
Itsuki: So who could his new vessel be...?
Tiki: I still got nothing on that.
Yashiro: Maybe the great stone fetch quest will shed light on that.
Itsuki: Sure, why the hell not.
Caeda: Incidentally, does that mean we're de--
*Earthquake!*
Itsuki: You OK?
Tiki: Yeah, but that's definitely a sign of shit going down.
Yashiro: It's an earthquake in the ghost dimension, of course it's a sign of shit going down!
Itsuki: Hang on, I got a text.
Barry: HOLY SHIT
Touma: Quake?
Barry: WHAT WHO THE FUCK CARES, ME AND MY OTAKU FRIENDS COULD CAUSE A BIGGER QUAKE JUST JUMPING
Ellie: No shit, since you're all lardass weeaboo.
Barry: FUCK OFF. THE STADIUM IS GROWING
Kiria: The fuck?
Barry: IT'S FUCKING GROWING I CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS ANY BETTER COME LOOK FOR YOUR GOD DAMN SELF IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME
Yashiro: The fuck?
Itsuki: We'd better check that shit out post haste.
*To the "Cosmic Egg" stadium! Dark magic liek whoa!*
Tsubasa: the fuuuck
Itsuki: It's like it's an actual cosmic egg. How coincidentally appropriate.
Barry: There is definitely evil shit there.
Kiria: Good thing he was here to catch it so fast.
Barry: IT IS MY DUTY TO PROTECT YOU MAGICAL GIRLS! Except for the part with actual fighting. Y'all have fun with that.
Itsuki: Let's check it out.
*A giant evil tower over a giant evil amber egg inside a geodesic dome is inside!*
Kiria: I think I might sense evil here.
Yashiro: Looks like magic energy's being funneled into the egg thing.
Touma: But there's a spooky-ass barrier blocking the way.
Itsuki: We'll ask Tiki.
Tiki: Hey, you should come ask me!
*We go ask Tiki!*
Tiki: So it's a big evil egg?
Touma: Yeah, we need to scramble that shit, but there's a forcefield.
Tiki: I bet it's using one of my magic shards.
Yashiro: So that's why they wanted the things.
Ellie: So let's grab it! Two birds, one Dragonstone.
Tiki: I think I can track it. Barry's old dungeon? Energy's flowing there from all sorts of places.
Yashiro: Let's check it out.
Itsuki: We still cool, by the way?
Yashiro: Microwavin'. With. Mamorin.
Itsuki: Point taken. Awesome, thanks.
Yashiro: Don't underestimate your facilitation skills. You are a walking plot device and therefore our leader.
Itsuki: Me? A leader?
Yashiro: You're just fucking noticing?
*New magic shit get!*
Itsuki: I forgot I could do this too.
Yashiro: one of ussss
Tiki: You have the power!
Yashiro: You need to acknowledge your status as harem leader before we can move on here.
Itsuki: i don't know if i'm ready to commit to this
Tiki: Too late, big brother.
Itsuki: dear anime jesus, save me now
Touma: BIG DAMN HERO TIME
Tiki: But try not to get killed.
Itsuki: Of course not! It would make you sad!
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Itsuki: I'm a leader?
Chrom: You're seriously only noticing this in chapter five?
Itsuki: So I'm slow...
Chrom: Use this power to break down some doors.
Itsuki: Well, time to fetch the macguffin. Wait, Yashiro's standing around in here.
Yashiro: ...
Itsuki: You've been stalking the evil guy this whole time?
Yashiro: The entirety of it, yes.
Itsuki: So when you stormed in and flipped out about Tiki...
Yashiro: Sorry about that.
Itsuki: Eh, it's OK.
Yashiro: This all started with that incident five years ago. Daiba TV was the sponsor, so I investigated them first. Didn't get anywhere, though. Anyway, we know for sure Gharnef has possessed some bigwig and wants to destroy the world with the Opera of Shadows. In case you forgot. The question is, who?
Itsuki: I got a couple notions...
Yashiro: Like suspicious director and president? Hard to narrow it down.
Itsuki: Guess we'd better progress the fetch quest.
Yashiro: We should get on that. Because fuck that guy.
*Into the office....*
Maiko: AAA LOOK AT THIS SHIT
*Yashiro is standing in front of the office TV, watching himself on screen!*
Not-Yashiro: I am announcing a super secret live concert! Invite-only! Just for protagonists! See you there, bitches! Ta-ta!
Itsuki: The fuck?
Yashiro: Ta-ta...?
Itsuki: Is this some kind of clue?
Yashiro: IT'S NOTHING LET'S FETCH QUEST ALREADY
*To the TV station dungeon! We approach a previously unbreakable door!*
Navarre: It's through there.
Itsuki: Oh yeah, I can smack those now.
*Through the door and onward a bit...*
Itsuki: This place feels different... Hey, there's a poster for not-you's concert up there.
Yashiro: This bothers me, but I am not completely over my exposition allergy and nobody brought an epipen.
Tsubasa: What the fuck is this giant energy stream?
Yashiro: A cockblock, essentially.
Itsuki: Sorry, got a text.
Tiki: Hey, looks like the other dungeons have been reactivated and they're stealing energy from the giant monster candy concerts! You should really do something about that!
Itsuki: kk. We've got some more dungeons to redo, guys.
Yashiro: Ugh, fine...
*To the Shibuya 106 dungeon!*
Monster: You guys must be the backup dancers! The party you need to crash is happening a couple floors down!
*A couple floors down...*
Monster: I'm only gonna let you through once you get these bridge mannequins in a specific position!
Itsuki: fuck yoooooou
Monster: OK, you are detail-oriented enough to pass now!
Itsuki: why the fuck could I not have just ganked your ass
*But first, Tsubasa has a sidequest for us!*
Tsubasa: AAAAAAAA WHAT DO I DOOOOO
Itsuki: I don't know, what's going on?
Tsubasa: IT INVOLVES MS. MAIKO
Itsuki: Oh, fucksticks.
Maiko: Helloooooo there. Don't you think it's about time Tsubasa had her own solo concert?
Itsuki: Congrats.
Tsubasa: I'm not reaaadyyyy
Maiko: Have some self-confidence! Or booze. Booze also works. But you've been in a show and a soda commercial and look you have a ton of fans and it's time.
Tsubasa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Maiko: I know lots of places you can smuggle a flask!
Tsubasa: aaaa
Maiko: Plus, I'm gonna get a guy with actual talent to write your next song!
Tsubasa: BUT I'VE HEARD OF HIM
Itsuki: I haven't.
Tsubasa: HE'S FAMOUS AND EVERYBODY WANTS SOME
Itsuki: OK, then, I guess that sounds good.
Maiko: He'll be here any minute, so don't do anything stupid!
Tsubasa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*The songwriter shuffles in!*
Songwriter: i changed my mind
Maiko: I thought you said you were interested.
Songwriter: nothing is interesting anymore. i have other things to do and your idol is more fake than usual
Maiko: The fuck?
Songwriter: gotta get back to azuza, who is not my evil ghost, now. got an emo ballad i'm writing just for her
*The songwriter limps back away!*
Maiko: Like that prick could make it in this biz if he cared about fakeness.
Tsubasa: But he mentioned--
Itsuki: Just exposit for me, I've never heard of anybody.
Tsubasa: --Azuza, the legendary idol who was super popular a long time ago, by which I may mean three weeks. However, she's mysteriously dead.
Maiko: Actually, she and her talents were eaten by an evil ghost. That made the ghost so powerful it kicked even Kiria's ass.
Itsuki: But that was like 40 levels ago, right?
Maiko: So yeah, he's been brainwashed. This shit is trouble.
Tsubasa: Well, we have to save him!
Itsuki: OK, sure.
Maiko: He was supposed to have a meeting at the TV station, but--
Tsubasa: HE'S IN THE DUNGEON LET'S GET HIM
*To the dungeon!*
Tharja: yup that asshole is here. let's whip them
Kiria: You OK?
Tsubasa: I am nervous but determined!
Kiria: OK.
*Heading to the boss arena!*
Songwriter: I made you a soooooong evil ghost isn't it aweeeesooooome
Evil Ghost: More magical energy! Mua ha ha ha ha!
Tsubasa: You unhand that man this instant!
Evil Ghost: Oh look, I can try out my new song magic.
Kiria: Ow! She sucks!
Tharja: shit she's been leveling too
Kiria: Sing back at her!
Tsubasa: But she's a legendary idol!
Songwriter: THE BEST EVER
Itsuki: WELL THEN WE'LL MAKE SOME LEGENDS OF OUR OWN
Caeda: C'mon, you got this. Belieeeeeve! Take flight! SING ALREADY
Tsubasa: I AM TSUBASA ORIBE, LEGAL ADULT, AND I AM SINGING YOU SOME GENERIC-ASS JPOP SO HARD
*Tsubasa grabs her nearest idol costume and sings a verse of generic-ass JPop! It's super effective!*
Songwriter: OH WOW
Evil Ghost: If I can't beat you with singing, I'LL JUST FUCKING BEAT YOU
Itsuki: BRING IT, GHOST MOOK
Tsubasa: FRIGGIN' BRING IT ON
*We hand her ass to her promptly!*
Evil Ghost: HOW DID I GET MY ASS BEATEN SO HARD
Tsubasa: You're not a real idol, you're just an evil idol-eating ghost! FUCKING POSER
Evil Ghost: Screw you! gack
Tsubasa: I feel so much more confident now. Singing my heart out was fun, even if it was a life-or-death situation. I really like singing, did I ever mention?
*New magic shit get!*
Songwriter: That was awesome. You're the type of idol fans can project absolutely anything onto. The quintessence of idolhood. To think a mortal girl capable of truly being such a flat stereotype. I would be truly honored to write you a pop song.
Tsubasa: OGM OGM
Caeda: Congrats!
Tsubasa: None of it would have been possible without you guys as backup!
Itsuki: Yeah, yeah, you all have to validate my nebulous contributions at every opportunity, whatever. Looks like we're done here.
Tsubasa: Except I have to practice my ass off for that concert!
Songwriter: I can now move on from my lost idol love <3
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Caeda: I'd like to thank you, incidentally.
Tsubasa: What ever for?
Caeda: You have taught me the joys of the performing arts.
Tsubasa: And you kept me alive thus far and taught me the joys of stabbing and tornadoing the shit out of things!
Caeda: But you can stand on your own with Itsuki now. He reminds me of the babe.
Tsubasa: He certainly is a babe! Wait, are you hitting on him too?
Caeda: Hell yes!
Tsubasa: but i already have a whole fucking party to fiiiiight
Caeda: I'm just kidding, I'm more interested in the babe with the power.
Tsubasa: This all seems like an awfully final conversation, though. This can't be goodbye, though, we're going to be together forever!
Caeda: Well, at least until the plot is resolved. But you're having that concert today! It's a momentous occation, the conclusion of your last sidequest, so...
Tsubasa: It still hasn't really hit me, but I feel like I've finally made it.
Caeda: Made it? You're just beginning! Go kick some ass!
Tsubasa: Yes ma'am!
*Tsubasa sings a generic JPop ballad about thanking the person she's in love with for helping her this far while wearing a suspiciously bridal dress complete with flower crown and little angel wings! The crowd goes wild! She's hanging out with the songwriter backstage!*
Songwriter: You are the herald of the idol revolution, the first legend of the new idol era. Please let me keep writing songs for you.
*The songwriter fucks directly off!*
Tsubasa: Thanks!
Itsuki: ...Weirdo.
Tsubasa: ...Yeah.
Itsuki: At least he's wild about you, I guess.
Tsubasa: I'm kind of worried I'm replacing his old idol idol, though. Well, no need to worry about that at all! Hopefully I can live up to her legacy! And maybe make one of my own!
Itsuki: So how do you feel after your first big concert?
Tsubasa: I LOVED IT
Itsuki: Heh, cool.
Tsubasa: Thanks for all the help!
Itsuki: I should be thanking you. Your meteoric career has filled me with determination.
Tsubasa: NO I'M THANKING YOU MORE! I'm invincible with you by my side!
Itsuki: i'm pretty sure i remember a defeat or two but OK
Tsubasa: But I'm not resting on my laurels! So. Keep being helpful?
Itsuki: Of course. Christ knows what trouble you'd get into without me.
Tsubasa: Hahaha, yeah :D
*Back to the dungeon basement past the stupid puzzle, we get to the "meeting room" and find a shiny energy pillar!*
Yashiro: That'd be it.
Itsuki: We should stop this.
*A generic enemy sprite appears!*
Monster: We're having a meeting, get over here already!
Ellie: You are so fucking stupid! This meeting of Moronic Monsters Anonymous is canceled!
Monster: Huh, I think they might be trying to stop us. ATTACK
*Mid-boss time! The generic mid-bosses go down like a fine wine!*
Touma: FUCK YEAH
Itsuki: There's another one, though.
*To the TV studio, behind another previously impermeable door!*
Monster: Obviously you're our temp security! Let me direct you to our meeting!
*After a stupidly long door puzzle, another room with another shiny pillar...*
Tsubasa: Look! It's the same goddamn thing again!
Generic Monster: I'VE HEARD OF YOU! You've been sneaking in with your cunning staff disguises!
Yashiro: We walk in brandishing our goddamn weapons and setting fire to every monster along the way. You're fucking morons and we're kicking your ass now.
Generic Monster: I WILL AVENGE MY STUPID FRIENDS
*He does not!*
Tsubasa: Another one bites the dust!
Itsuki: About time we got back to the other arbitrarily blocked path.
*Back to the other dungeon! The giant energy stream vanishes when we touch it! Instead of being gone already for some reason! We proceed onward and run into the quest monster from the first run of the dungeon!*
Monster Director: Oh hey again, perfect timing!
Itsuki: fuck my life
Monster Director: There's scut work in every room for you! Hop to it!
*To the north, a ghost bouncer is trying to corral two bouncing clown and nail heads!*
Ghost: could you please, um, not
Clown: fuck yoooou
Nail: SUPER HYPE
Ghost: wow i wish someone would wander in and kick their asses for me
Itsuki: Hi.
Ghost: THANK YOU ANIME JESUS
*One ass-kicking later...*
Ghost: YOU ARE THE BEST! Want a job? I'll go report back now!
Itsuki: ...I don't know if I should really be helping with this...
*In another room...*
Knight Ghost: Man, the next boss is such a fucking poser.
Fire Ghost: But he's so stroooong
Knight Ghost: He was just standing next to the right magic stone at the right time! He's mimicing a human and inviting them to some stupid secret concert! He is STUPID and I DIDN'T WANT TO WORK THIS WEEKEND GOD DAMMIT
Fire Ghost: OK, Carl, I have work to do. Oh hey, bring us some lantern lights?
Itsuki: As long as I don't have to do a puzzle with them.
*Off to get the lights!*
Cast Monster: Dude, I'm totally stoked to be singing again!
Assistant Director: ...You're not singing again.
Cast Monster: BUT DUDE
Assistant Director: Get the fuck out of here.
Itsuki: Can I have your lights?
Assistant Director: Fuckin' go for it.
Itsuki: Good, because I am a little tired of killing today.
*Back to the fire ghost...*
Fire Ghost: Sweet! I'll tell the boss how helpful you were!
Itsuki: someday i'm gonna help that boss with his regularity problems. with my sword
Chrom: i'd prefer if you stuck to the zapping instead please
*To another room!*
Tanuki Girl: You must be the help! I'm the stylist. I want to adjust Yashiro's costume, so if you could find me a similar-- OMG you guys went above and beyond!!
Yashiro: Oh, god.
Tanuki Girl: So come be my mannequin!
Yashiro: fuuuuu
Itsuki: you wanna get through this dungeon or not
Yashiro: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Tanuki Girl: Thanks, you're the best :D
Yashiro: ...She's actually really good at her job. Go figure.
*Back to the director!*
Director Monster: Hey, good work! I'll let you watch the show as long as you want now! :D
Itsuki: yaaay
*But let's finish Yaashiro's latest sidestory instead!*
Yashiro: You. Lesson studio. Now.
*To the lesson studio!*
Yashiro: Oh hey, it's you. You came at a good time.
Itsuki: I was ever-so-cordially summoned.
Yashiro: Ellie's being annoying.
Itsuki: Riiiight.
Yashiro: We're costarring in a drama together.
Itsuki: But I thought... whatever, I don't understand this shit anyway.
Yashiro: She suggested we train together, but it's been... a trainwreck. She's such a noob.
Ellie: He's not even trying to work with me!
Yashiro: Why should I lower myself thus?
Ellie: Because it's not just The Prince Douchebag Show we're making?
Yashiro: People keep telling me that, but I don't understand. Cooperation is the opiate of the weak.
Ellie: I am so sick of your shit I could vomit.
Yashiro: EVERYONE DIES ALONE
Ellie: YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE WITH COMPANY
Yashiro: As long as everyone does their best, the best outcome results. Simple as that.
Itsuki: Yeah, but are you really doing your "best" if you aren't taking anyone else into account...? C'mon, cooperation'll make you even better, I promise...
Yashiro: You know I'm a sucker for improving my skills, you bastard. But if we're doing this shit, we're DOING this shit. DUNGEON TIME
Itsuki: despite its illogic i must say i saw this coming
Ellie: Thanks for somehow talking sense into him.
Itsuki: You've just got to learn where his buttons are.
Ellie: At least we're broadening his horizons. See you in the dungeon.
*To the dungeon!*
Ellie: Why here?
Yashiro: You'll find out.
Itsuki: Dammit, I never did get that epipen.
Yashiro: We're here for training.
Itsuki: In the dungeon...?
Yashiro: Daddy taught me to always keep your ass both hard and tight. ...That sounds wrong. But being a stuck-up obsessive prick is his only legacy, and I will cling to it, goddammit.
Ellie: Bring it on, bitch.
*To a boss fight!*
Ellie: The fuck?
Yashiro: This guy should be a suitable opponent. Training time.
Ellie: This bullshit again?
Yashiro: We're learning synchronization.
Ellie: This bullshit again. FINE
*Gimmick boss ensues!*
Yashiro: Oh, teamwork. I get it now.
*The power of friendship gets us new magic shit!*
Ellie: Well, I have no idea why that worked, but it did and this bullshit is over!
Yashiro: I have learned "friendship". Thank you.
Itsuki: You synced up perfectly!
Ellie/Yashiro: No shit.
Ellie: ...fuuu
Yashiro: Well, we can go now.
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Navarre: We should make this about the protagonist again. It's been like 30 seconds since we tossed him an acknowledgment cookie.
Yashiro: The weirdo actually stood up to me. No one's done that since Daddy passed.
Navarre: He got you good.
Yashiro: And now I can make myself even better.
Navarre: pffft good luck fighting your way to the top of this harem boy
Yashiro: Hmm?
Navarre: I look forward to seeing how your character develops!
Yashiro: You'll have front row seats. You should be honored.
Navarre: Front row of what?
Yashiro: Whatever, just watch me.
Navarre: Oh, my brother in laconicness. Why must we be such pains in the ass?
*We watch Ellie and Yashiro's generic high school rooftop romance scene! And then it turns out she's a detective and he's an alien getting a ride home by UFO! So, still pretty generic for anime! We're watching in the office!*
Touma: A detective AND an alien?? I did not see that coming! So that's why it's called "Out of Season UFO".
Ellie: You're not very bright, but I'll forgive you if you flatter me.
Touma: It was awesome! You were awesome!
Ellie: Yashiro was pretty good too. Did the singing at the end there, too. I feel almost inferior.
Yashiro: Nonsense. You were entirely adequate. And our training inspired me to write the background song. Cooperation is actually worthwhile!
Ellie: And sorry for being pissier than normal because of an inferiority complex. You're not as much of a douche as you make yourself sound.
Yashiro: Thanks. By the way, you should move less and stop overacting.
Ellie: WHY IS EVERYONE A BIGGER DOUCHE THE SECOND I ADMIT MAYBE THEY AREN'T
Yashiro: What did I say?
Itsuki: pfft, dumbass
Yashiro: ...It seems there is more for me to learn yet. Anyway, thanks. For some reason, I listened to you.
Itsuki: Drama queen.
Yashiro: You're the first person I haven't cowed into submission since my daddy passed.
Itsuki: ...Sorry?
Yashiro: No, thank you.
Itsuki: oh god he's a bratty sub with daddy issues, fml
*Off to the boss arena! The boss is failing to sing!*
Itsuki: ...What the fuck is someone doing to one of your songs?
Yashiro: I don't know, other than pitching them down, but it is an unholy abomination unto the lord.
Monster Chicks: SWOOOOON
NegaYashiro: Hey there sugarpants.
Itsuki: ...Does your gayer doppelganger have the plot thing?
NegaYashiro: I AM THE BEST ARTISTE THERE IS PEASANTS
Yashiro: YOUR IMPERSONATION IS PATHETIC YOU PEASANT, WHO THE FUCK SAYS TA-TA
Itsuki: THAT'S what's been bothering you?!
NegaYashiro: BOW BEFORE ME
Itsuki: The fuck is that wave of dark power?
Navarre: His song has some sort of dominating influence. He really IS your opposite.
Yashiro: Biiiitch pleaaaaase, you copy the hottest man in the land and this is all you can pull off? You are a failure, as a monster, a boss, and most importantly, as an ARTISTE. I SHALL TEACH YOU REAL ART WITH MY BLADE
NegaYashiro: NO I'M THE REAL ONE
*28 rounds later... protip: bring Touma... with one of his fire drain weapons if possible...*
NegaYashiro: Noooo I was still unliiiike yoooou somehoooow
*We get a rock!*
Yashiro: Fucking impersonators.
Itsuki: I think you're the only one who was never KO'ed, good job.
Yashiro: Not bad yourself. Let's blow this shithole popsicle stand.
*Back to visit Tiki!*
Itsuki: We got a rock!
Tiki: Awesome, let's-- OWWW
Yashiro: What??
Tiki: The big bad is calling meeee
Yashiro: Where is he? I'll kick his ass!
Tiki: Where the barrier was? The obvious boss dungeon?
Yashiro: So it was the obvious boss dungeon. Protagonist, we are going to find this prick and we are going to END his bullshit.
Tiki: Try not to die!
*To the obvious boss dungeon! Standing there is... the producer!*
Itsuki: HOW COULD THIS BE
Producer: Hi-hi, sweetums! I'm glad I can ditch the front now! Anyway, you can keep the rocks, I'm done with 'em.
Itsuki: Oh god, what did you do.
Producer: I'm'a resurrect the Shadow Dragon and I have so much magic behind this shit it's unstoppable!
Yashiro: I'm going to kill you, though.
Itsuki: Hang on, we need to separate him from the evil ghost first.
Producer: Hahaha, no, I'm doing all this of my own free will. Gharnef and I are total bros!
Gharnef: If you insist on calling it that. I was going to go with "allies for the precice amount of time it is useful to me", but...
Yashiro: So I can kill you now!
*Alas, he is pushed back!*
Gharnef: Man, your daddy's magic is super useful.
Yashiro: YOU SON OF A LABRADOODLE
Itsuki: HOW COULD YOU
Producer: It'll be such a grand spectacle! I mean, come on, this plot is awesome!
Itsuki: It's cliched as balls and we're going to fucking kill you.
Producer: Heeheehee, keep playing your part!
Itsuki: you realize your part is "gullible stooge" right
Yashiro: I'm going to keep trying to just murder him now.
Itsuki: No, wait--
Yashiro: FUCK THAT, I AM MURDERING HIM. MY NAME IS YASHIRO TSURUGI. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE
Itsuki: There's got to be something useful I can do! Everyone keeps telling me that!
*Suddenly, Itsuki begins glowing! He is quite confused!*
Chrom: Oh sweet, you unlocked our plot-locked powers! This is always a great moment. Go and assist, assistant boy!
Itsuki: I ASSIST YOU WITH GLOWING MAGIC ORBS!
*Itsuki grabs a glowing magic orb from Yashiro and steals his daddy's magic back! The producer is dismayed! The barrier disappears!*
Gharnef: Goddammit you mewling labradoodle, I told you gloating wasn't worth it. We're ditching these losers and continuing with the evil.
Producer: A thrilling plot twist! Here, have a distraction monster. Don't get killed by it, though! You can't die until the final act! See you around, bitches!
*After punking the distraction monster...*
Yashiro: ...
Itsuki: ...So what was your dad like?
Yashiro: He only cared about acting. But I was proud of his skill. All I ever wanted was to be like him.
Itsuki: Sorry about his sacrifice, but we're going to avenge the shit out of him. Sooo... keep on keepin' on?
Yashiro: He did die for me, so I guess he did value my continued existence. He lives on in my memory, and I am still terrified of disappointing him. Anyway, thanks. Can we cut the bullshit and kill this fucker ASAP?
Itsuki: Sure! As long as you realize there's always time for sidequests. And grinding.
Yashiro: fffffffffff
Touma: By the way, that Shadow Dragon shit sounded important.
Itsuki: And he said it was unstoppable.
Tsubasa: That would mean we'd all be fucked, though.
Kiria: If he wasn't wrong or lying.
Itsuki: We should check back with Tiki.
Kiria: Yeah, she probably has some tips on killing the fucker if anybody does. Let's GTFO.
Itsuki: No world ending bullshit on my watch! Nor using entertainment for evil!
Yashiro: And I reiterate that I am going to kill the fuck out of that guy.
*Back to see Tiki!*
Tiki: Nobody dead yet?
Itsuki: We even found his punk-ass stooge!
Tiki: But the ritual's ongoing?
Kiria: If we believe them.
Itsuki: Any ideas?
Tiki: Give me my plot rock already?
Itsuki: Well, I don't have any better ideas...
Tiki: As soon as I prepare! And you finish sidequesting!
*Chapter 5 end!*

Chapter Text

*Intermission Start!*
Maiko: Hey, I arranged some more lessons for you! End of the world, schmend of the world, you're my bitch now! Call it a learning opportunity! Show up whenever you feel like it to the usual spot!
*First, Maiko sidequest!*
Maiko: Go errand for me, errand boy! I have some professional paperwork I need you to deliver to my ex. He's doing Kiria's next photo shoot. She gets to fly to Guaaaam~
Itsuki: I guess that's good?
Maiko: He'll give you some stuff to ferry back here, too. He's at the studio.
Itsuki: I know how sidequests work, ma'am.
Kiria: Can I borrow him?
Maiko: Suuuure cutie! Have fun on the date!
*To the cafe!*
Kiria: Sorry to requisition you like a filing cabinet. The company's having its 5-year anniversary and I want to get something special for the boss.
Itsuki: Sure, as long as it's not me.
Kiria: Well, scratch that idea, then. What did you have in mind?
Itsuki: I dunno, finish out her photo book trilogy? It's the only hanging plot thread I saw last sidequest.
Kiria: Sounds almost as good as putting you in a cake. I'm in.
Itsuki: The logistics, though.
Kiria: I'll drag her to the photo shoot in Guam with me; should be easy after that. You get the creeper in on it?
Itsuki: Which-- oh, the photographer. Got it.
Kiria: I'll coordinate everything else. I just don't want to deal with his creeper ass. Good luck.
Itsuki: ...have i been played again
*To the studio!*
Photographer: Hi, Maiko's second-newest toyboy! Thanks for the assist the other day!
Itsuki: No problem. Here's the docs. Also, join in on our plot?
Photographer: Fuck yeah! ...But I don't have the lens I need.
Itsuki: What bullshit will this obvious fetch quest entail?
Photographer: It was a magic Hattori Hanzo lens. It can't be replaced, and I broke it while I was possessed. I will accept no substitutes.
Itsuki: And I thought Pentax was bad. I'll text Kiria about it.
Kiria: Well, I can understand perfectionism, I guess. What kind of lens was it?
Itsuki: It could "capture the shape of souls".
Maiko: Hahaha, that prick still going on about his magic lens? MEN AMIRITE
Itsuki: god i wish a messenger app with sane group text functionality was popular
Kiria: Tell us your boring story later, boss. Tharja can magic up a new lens, though it may be unwise to give him a lens that literally is dark magic.
Tiki: Oh hey, bring it to me when you find it!
Itsuki: WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE GROUP TEXTS WORK THIS WAY
Kiria: Let's fetch this shit.
Maiko: I wanna be included~
*To the dungeon!*
Kiria: Treasure hunt go!
Tharja: good luck with that
Kiria: You're helping too.
Tharja: goddammit
*We grab the gem and return to Tiki!*
Tiki: OK, if I just magic really hard at it... you'll get a multicolored lens that looks like it belongs in a goddamn kaleidoscope!
Itsuki: i know nothing about photography but i think their lenses usually have housing and are less completely opaque
Tiki: It's dark magic, just roll with it. Glad I could help!
*Back to the photographer!*
Photographer: Oh hey, great timing, I have some paperwork... for... omg what is that
Itsuki: I honestly couldn't tell you.
Photographer: IT'S MY MAGIC LENS!! HOW-- NEVER MIND! JUST GIMME!
Itsuki: As long as you do the photo shoot.
Photographer: ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE EXCEPT SOME OF THE PERVIER ONES
Itsuki: Sweet!
Photographer: I WILL TAKE THE BEST PHOTOS! ...now run these docs to your boss.
Itsuki: Gotcha.
*Back to the office!*
Maiko: Documents please! Excellent, Kiria's shoot can go smoothly now.
Kiria: Yeah, about that. You should come with me. Call it a vacation. That sounds so much nicer than running interference on the perv.
*She does! All goes according to plan! Someone also had the sense to plan an actual party with cake and booze back at the office!*
Maiko: Wow, despite using your hilariously insecure messaging system I can drop in on at any time, you sure managed to surprise me!
Kiria: You seemed to lap it up.
Maiko: It was a chance to look smokin' hot in Guam :D
Ellie: i wanted you to have a cooler outfit but nooo
Tsubasa: it was a goddamn american flag bikini ellie, no means fuck no
Ellie: well you wanted a fucking cat bikini so shut up
Maiko: Heehee, thanks for your vetoes, everyone :D
Touma: But wait!
Yashiro: There's more!
Kiria: Congrats on the fifth anniversary! Thanks for everything! Here, it's a borderline pornographic photo book of you. It's a special gift from all of us.
Barry: WOOOOOOO
Itsuki: get the fuck out of here barry
Maiko: The third book in the trilogy :O I had not made that connection somehow! Thank yoooou :'D This was your idea, wasn't it, Itsuki?
Itsuki: This was a complete group effort. Group. Complete.
Maiko: You're the best surrogate kids ever :D
Itsuki: does this mean you'll stop trying to get in my pants
Maiko: it's OK, you're adopted :D
Itsuki: god fucking dammit
*Mamori's in some trouble, too! (so is Barry but his has a level requirement and also he's a creep)*
Mamori: Helllp it's happening agaiiiin
Itsuki: I'll find him and I'll--
Mamori: They're changing the show agaiiiiin
Itsuki: Oh. Well, remember you can tell me about absolutely anything.
Mamori: They want me to actually COOK now!
Itsuki: From what I've seen, that would indeed be quite the change.
Mamori: Parents didn't want us to encourage their kids to do anything dangerous or useful. Knives and stoves were right out. But not the producer wants me to actually cook because it's a cooking show and most of my audience are perverts anyway! He's lost sight of everything we stood for...
Itsuki: ...Can you cook, incidentally?
Mamori: NOOOO D:
Itsuki: I'm sure you could. I mean, look at what you do with a giant fuck-off axe.
Draug: I DISAPPROVE OF THIS. COME ELSEWHERE TO SPEAK TO ME TO FIND OUT WHY.
Itsuki: ugh fine
*To the magic forge!*
Itsuki: So Mr. Big Fuck-off Axe thinks this is too dangerous?
Draug: Of course I do! Kitchens are dangerous! There's blades and fire and pepper...
Itsuki: And lightning and wind and spears and oh wait, we aren't talking about the dungeons?
Draug: I just want safety measures put in place, is all.
Mamori: OK?
Draug: Tiki says she knows of the best paring knife anywhere. Sharp blades are safest, kids!
Tiki: The ingredients are lying around in a dungeon somewhere.
Draug: This safety measure will content me.
Itsuki: OK, let's go.
Mamori: You're helping?!
Itsuki: It's literally all I do.
Mamori: Thanks :D
*To the dungeon! We find the ore we need!*
Draug: Are you suuuure about this?
Mamori: YES DAMMIT
Draug: fiiiiine
Itsuki: Overprotective much...?
Draug: I'm a big-ass armored knight, protection is my whole thing! I will not be outdone by Barry!
Itsuki: please stay intangible
*Back to forge the knife!*
Tiki: Shoog... shoof... poof! Here you go! Be careful!
Mamori: Aw, it's all adorable and pink :D Thanks!
Itsuki: Do you like it?
Mamori: I'm sure I can cook with this!
Ellie: Oh hey, your producer's here!
*Out to see the producer...*
Mamori's Producer: Oh hey, let's not have you cook after all.
Mamori: What.
Mamori's Producer: My bosses said the parents would bitch and I'm a moron.
Mamori: Then all this...
Mamori's Producer: Was a total waste of time!
Mamori: WHAT.
Mamori's Producer: I'm still gonna shake things up for no reason, though! Just not sure how.
Mamori: ...
Itsuki: are you OK
Mamori's Producer: How about a microwaving panda?
Mamori: ...
Maiko: seriously are you OK
Mamori's Producer: We'll put you in a panda suit! Bitches love panda suits!
Mamori: ...what
Mamori's Producer: Mascots are super in! We can merchandise that shit like whoa!
Mamori: what do you think...
Mamori's Producer: You OK?
Mamori: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU FECKLESS GODDAMN HEATHEN?! THIS SHOW IS ABOUT MICROWAVING AND IT'S ABOUT ME! THESE THINGS ARE IN THE GOD DAMN NAME! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR PERPETUAL FUCKING BULLSHIT!
Mamori's Producer: um, i, please stop being on literal fire
Mamori: I'LL BE ON FIRE WHENEVER I GOD DAMN WANT! I AM SICK OF YOU SPEWING YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT IDEAS DIRECTLY OUT OF YOUR ASS LIKE A TOURIST WHO ATE AT THE WRONG RESTAURANT!
Itsuki: ...She's been under a lot of pressure.
Mamori: YOU ARE GOING TO CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT THAT?!
Mamori's Producer: Yes ma'am!
Mamori: If you want something new on the show, you're going to start having me sing! It'll be catchy and I've already proved I'm super popular at it!
Mamori's Producer: Yes ma'am! Just don't kill me!
Mamori: Only if you prove that won't make the show better!
*New magic shit get!*
Mamori's Producer: We are going to go with your idea, ma'am!
Mamori: Really? :D
Mamori's Producer: Yes, ma'am! You're completely right, ma'am!
Mamori: Yay!
Mamori's Producer: I'm gonna go and get that implemented right away! And change my pants! Ma'am!
Mamori: Thank you very much!
*The producer runs away!*
Maiko: I guess that all worked out?
Mamori: You bet your fucking ass it did, lady :D
Itsuki: Good for you! I approve of you standing up to adult men with fire. Also feel free to use your big fuck-off axe. Aim it a bit below their waists, that should be a comfortable height for you.
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Draug: I am glad that you have grown to be more assertive.
Mamori: I'm just speaking my mind honestly.
Draug: A rare talent.
Mamori: Well, the credit goes to you and the protagonist and everyone else who helped me.
Draug: Protagonist, eh?
Mamori: I-it's not like he's special or anything!
Draug: Ah ha ha ha ha
Mamori: He did encourage me a lot though :D
Draug: Incidentally, are you hitting a growth spurt?
Mamori: You think so?!
Draug: Congratulations! I think. Sigh. Maturing.
*We watch Mamori sing her song again! On her cooking show in her chef hat! Because coming up with another song for her sounded like too much work and a sad heartfelt JPop ballad makes total sense in this context! As always, we're watching in the office!*
Maiko: Well, the show ran with that fast. It's oddly popular.
Barry: Because she's the best :D
Maiko: Who would have thought singing a ballad in a stupid cutesy chef costume would be such an interesting combination?
Barry: THAT'S THE BEAUTY AND THE GENIUS OF IT! APPRECIATING THE UNEXPECTED IS A TIME-HONORED TRADITION OF JAPAN
Maiko: Whatever, gaijin. I'm still surprised we managed to spin it out into more appearances.
Mamori: I'm a real singer now! Thanks, Itsuki!
Itsuki: I was just vaguely encouraging. And I helped you forge new big fuck-off axes.
Mamori: I'll practice super hard!
Itsuki: Still have that knife?
Mamori: Yeah! I want to learn how to cook anyway! For a special someone someday.
Itsuki: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY MEAN SO MUCH HARDER THAN USUAL. WHAT A FORTUNATE OTHER PERSON OF COMPLETELY MYSTERIOUS IDENTITY
Mamori: So this is why all the girls call you dense as a brick.
Itsuki: Huh?
Mamori: Nevermind!
*And I guess we'll shut Barry up... he wants us to talk to Tiki...*
Itsuki: I'm supposed to convince you of something?
Tiki: Oh. That.
Itsuki: My sentiments exactly.
Barry: PLEASE BE MY MAGIC GHOOOOST
Tiki: CREEPER, STOP CREEPING
Barry: Hi Itsuki!
Itsuki: What fresh hell is this?
Barry: I want my magic powers back.
Tiki: I can't. And I absolutely won't. But that doesn't matter because I can't.
Barry: Help me convince her!
Tiki: Did you not learn what the word "can't" mean in Japanese class?
Itsuki: Creeper? Stop creeping.
Barry: BUT I WANNA BE A MIRAGE MASTER AGAIIIIN
Tiki: Someone get this brat a goddamn pacifier.
Itsuki: I hate to do this in so many ways, but let's call Mamori in to talk him down.
Mamori: Got it! UNCLE CREEPER, STOP CREEPING!
Barry: ack
Mamori: You're embarrassing yourself! Also your country! And otaku! And perverts! And men! And humans!
Barry: shot through the heart D: STOP CALLING ME AN EMBARRASSMENNNNT, YOU USED TO THINK I WAS SO COOOOOL
Mamori: I look back on last week with devout regret.
Barry: NOW IT'S ALL ITSUKI ITSUKI ITSUKI
Itsuki: So the train crashed and I went to otaku hell, but why? Did I kill somebody's puppy when I was a kid or something? Was I Gharnef in a past life?
Barry: IF I WERE A FIGHTER AGAIN YOU'D THINK I WAS COOL
Mamori: No I-- I mean, you're totally cool! Right, Tiki!
Tiki: Sure. Yeah. You betcha.
Barry: GODDAMN
Tiki: just get the fuck out of my garden
Barry: AND YOU, GHOST
Draug: What, me, sir?
Barry: YOU GET TO CREEP ON MAMORI 24/7 YOU BASTARD
Draug: I would not characterize it thus in any way.
Itsuki: (oh god) I think you're cool, Barry!
Barry: I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY
Itsuki: But you coach, and do... entertainment stuff. Quite multitalented.
Barry: Well, yes...
Mamori: Way to talk him down, Itsuki!
Tiki: You're so awesome!
Itsuki: fuck
Barry: IT'S ALWAYS ITSUKI! FUCK OFF KID, I'M GONNA GO TRAIN IN A DUNGEON UNTIL I'M COOL!
*Barry runs off!*
Itsuki: well yeah I'm sure your entrails will cool off pretty fast that way but
Draug: ...I didn't know he'd sunk to such depths. We'd better stop him.
Itsuki: Must we really? Hang on, got a text...
Barry: I'M GOING TO THE DAIBA DUNGEON SO YOU BETTER NOT LOOK FOR ME THERE
Itsuki: Ugh, it's so ugly when children act out.
Tiki: You don't have any weapons.
Mamori: Please stop being a dumbass!
Barry: TL;DR
Itsuki: fuck my life
*To the dungeon! We can hear Barry singing the Dia Witch theme from somewhere!*
Barry: I can win back her attentions! Come at me, bitches! AAAAAA THEY'RE COMING AT ME AIIIIIEEEE
Itsuki: We could just leave him.
Mamori: Tiki, can you sense where he is?
Tiki: What a fucking prick. Yeah, he's in the second boss room. Be careful!
Itsuki: Wait. The SECOND boss room? The one after that bullshit door puzzle with no nearby warp points?
Mamori: Thanks, Tiki!
Itsuki: BARRY YOU MOTHERFUCKER
*To the boss room!*
Barry: HELLLLLP
Mamori: AAA WHERE ARE YOU
Draug: Through the boss door. Better save.
*We fight a fairly underwhelming boss fight!*
Mamori: UNCLE BARRY, WHERE ARE YOU?? Oh god, maybe he's already been eaten!
Itsuki: Wow, that would be aw--- damn, I got a text from him.
Barry: I GUESS YOU DIDN'T NEED MY HELP ANYWAY SO I'M GOING BACK TO THE STUDIO
Itsuki: Barry, you pedo motherfucker, I will, one day, have my revenge. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But some day soon, Barry, you will regret stepping foot into my hemisphere.
Mamori: I'm glad he's alive!
Itsuki: That makes one of us!
*Back to the studio!*
Itsuki: You're OK. What a relief.
Barry: Well, that went badly, but next time--
Mamori: Uncle Barry?
Barry: Yes, Mamori?
Mamori: IF YOU EVER PULL A STUPID BULLSHIT STUNT LIKE THAT I WILL CUT YOU UP WITH MY BIG FUCK-OFF AXE AND FEED YOU TO THE MONSTERS MYSELF, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER
Barry: You care if I live or die!
Mamori: NEVER EVER EVER FUCKING DO THIS AGAIN YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT
Barry: I'm sorry...
Itsuki: Well, at least you're safe. For now.
Mamori: Big fucking scaredy-cat. Can't take my eyes off you for a second. Like the particularly dumb puppy we used to have.
Barry: SHE THINKS I'M LIKE A PUPPY :D
Mamori: Oh, what the fuck is it now?
Barry: I'M GONNA WRITE YOU AN AWESOME THEME SONG
Mamori: OK...?
*Barry writes a cutesy song about heading home with a dog! There is a music video! He plays the dog! It's pretty disturbing! But at least he has a fucking leash now! We're hanging out with Tiki again, presumably to abuse her hangover medicine after all the alcohol we needed to clean our brains from that!*
Mamori: Aaaw, such a cute costume! It's SO FLUFFY
Barry: Muahahaha, jealous, Itsuki?!
Itsuki: I need to ask Maiko to teach me about alcohol. No, wait, nevermind.
Barry: As long as Mamori thinks I'm cute, I'm happy!
Itsuki: You need professional help, Barry.
Barry: I don't need to be on the front lines! I can coach and play instruments and shit!
Itsuki: That's what I fucking said, though.
Barry: I wouldn't know, because I don't goddamn listen to you, prettyboy! Anyway, I'm glad that training led to this revelation!
Itsuki: You won't die in your sleep, Barry.
Tiki: I think he's probably grateful. In his own way.
Itsuki: I honestly could not give a fuck. I'm getting the shit out of here as soon as is politely possible.
Barry: YAAAY
Mamori: C'mon, puppy, let's go for a walk.
Barry: WOOF WOOF :D
Itsuki: we're gonna need so much more of that black magic hangover cure, Tiki
*To the studio!*
Yashiro: You've got to learn to dance and sing at the same time.
Ellie: Think about when you choose to move and breathe!
Itsuki: OK, OK
Mamori: You're sweating a lot, are you OK?
Ellie: We're whipping him into shape to replace a guy who had to drop out of the music festival. We're all doing other shows in the festival, so protagonist boy is on his own.
Mamori: Yipe.
Itsuki: I'm trying to view it as an opportunity. For something. Should do my best, anyway.
Barry: So I brought in the whole gang to help train his ass!
Itsuki: Barry, stop reminding me you exist.
Kiria: Tag-team time. Me and Touma are in.
Ellie: You could take a break now.
Itsuki: But I'm filled with determination!
*A little later...*
Kiria: You've improved.
Touma: Yeah, not bad!
Tsubasa: Hey, it's about time for you to take the stage!
Itsuki: Already?! Shit, maybe I should have considered my pacing more. Oh, well, I'm 18, I can do anything!
Tsubasa: Good luck!
*Intermission end!*

Chapter Text

*Chapter 6 start! We're all hanging out in the magic forge garden while Tiki plays with her new rock!*
Tiki: oooow
Itsuki: You OK?
Tiki: Yeah... and I know how to fight the next boss now! There's a Divine Light Dragon! Only way to beat a Shadow Dragon! There's a ritual to summon it and everything! We call it "The Opera of Light: Fire Emblem".
Mamori: The first half of that name makes sense, but what's the second?
Tiki: Look, it's an opera and you're all gonna have to act in it! It's a fictionalized version of our battle against the Shadow Dragon in our world!
Itsuki: I thought you lost?
Yashiro: Using theater as magic makes complete sense because theater is directly descended from religious rituals. Did Kiria fill you in on the completely logical link there?
Tiki: I'm not sure that isn't bullshit; all I know is it's what we've got to do. First, though, here's a magic gate! It leads to Fire Emblem Lookalike World! All the semi-dead heroes stashed their power here.
Itsuki: What? How? Why?
Tiki: Steal the corresponding powers so we can perform an opera! There are trials to prove your worth, though.
Yashiro: Pffft, whatever, I'll beat the shit out of those. And so will you. Or I'll beat the shit out of you, too. I'm getting really good at it.
Itsuki: I don't think that will be necessary.
Tiki: Good luck!
Maiko: Don't worry about your responsibilities, BTW, I got that covered. Good luck!
Itsuki: Yeaaaah, that sounds hard. I'm checking for sidequests first.
*To the observatory!*
Girl: Oh hey! You helped me snag my crush a few chapters ago! But he's a cold fish and he won't even let me hold his hand. Clearly I can solve this problem with hormones! I, MOEKA KATAO, SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I SHALL EXECUTE "OPERATION AMPLE AMOUNTS OF SEDUCTION"! Help me be sluttier please!
Itsuki: Oh, Tsubasa had that whole chapter about slutting it up for a photo shoot. Here you go.
Girl: Wow! These photos just exude innocent sexiness! This is the perfect study material! Thanks!
Itsuki: I don't know how I should feel about this, or where the fuck you got a mag incense, but OK.
*Into the new castle maybe-dungeon!*
Itsuki: So this is the place?
Tharja: kid's got an eye for detail, i'll give her that
Caeda: Huh?
Tharja: place is a projection of her memories of her old world, duh
Caeda: Oh, I get it now.
Navarre: And yet I don't remember it. The bitter irony.
Tsubasa: That must be super awkward.
Itsuki: Whatever. Let's get on with this shit.
Tsubasa: Yup, we've got shit to do!
*Slightly further in, we find a giant cathedral!*
Itsuki: The fuck?
Tharja: looks like exposition murals to me. see, there's a pissy mage douche who was a total little bitch when his master chose another person to be heir. this was gharnef and he's gone on to prove the old guy right a couple dozen times over.
Mamori: I knew he was evil, but I didn't know he had a whole history of being worthless! I mean, he tried so hard, and then was second best!
Touma: Who gives a FUCK? This is supposed to be a sob story? Weaaaak
Ellie: You're right for once. I am entirely unimpressed by this trite bullshit.
Touma: World-hating baby black mage and a crazy-ass producer. Match made in otaku hell, there.
Ellie: However, if we're going by Hollywood rules, this means we can beat their asses with complete impunity.
Ghost Voice: Oh, you're here for the audition?
Tsubasa: this feels stroooong guyyyys
Ghost Voice: We'll see if you losers are worthy of carrying on the franchise. Please, come in and prove yourselves.
*We head inward, to see the voice is currently a glowing fire orb!*
Ghost Voice: Time to prove your strength, it's really simple. Come at us!
*We come at their ghost asses! They are Gordin, Linde, Macellan, and Dolph, if that happens to mean anything to you! It means jack shit to me and they have approximately one generic-ass battle line each!*
Ghost Voice: OK, you pass. Good luck with that opera shit.
*The girls get glowing orbs of power!*
Ellie: Oh, I get how this works. I will archer the shit out of this.
Mamori: Yay, we're closer!
Kiria: Closer to being fucking unstoppable. Mua ha ha ha ha...
Itsuki: Onward to further ass kicking!
Tiki: Hey, though, can we talk?
Itsuki: Onward to further sidequesting!
Tiki: I had this nightmare where everyone in the world forgot I existed. I couldn't communicate with anyone at all. It really sucked. Not that there's any risk of that happening for real! I have friends... right?
Itsuki: You know it. Everything's fine.
Tiki: Heehee, OK. I have you guys. And all the not-vocaloid songs make me feel connected too. Because they are my sustenance.
Itsuki: I could write you a song.
Tiki: Really?? YAAAAY I'M HOLDING YOU TO THIS
Itsuki: What could go wrong!
Chrom: hahaha
Itsuki: What?
Chrom: Nothing, it's a great idea. Nice to see you taking an interest in the entertainment business.
Itsuki: It occurs to me that I have no fucking clue how songs are written and that might be a problem.
Chrom: Go talk to that weird kid from the dungeon who gave you doughnuts and picked a creepy screenname.
Itsuki: That's a wonderful idea!
*To the cafe!*
Itsuki: I don't see her.
Loud Guy: I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING FROM TIKIISMYWAIFU IN A WHILE
Other Guy: TIKI COMPOSERS ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES BRO
Loud Guy: YEAH THE FANDOM IS DYING, SURELY NOT LITERALLY
Itsuki: This shit again?
Chrom: I suspect evil ghosts. This has usually proved to be the case. And would explain why Tiki was so unnerved. She actually is having an existential crisis.
Itsuki: I bet it's the 106 dungeon again. I hate that place.
Chrom: Yeah, she wandered in there once, so...
Itsuki: Let's check it out.
*To the dungeon!*
Chrom: My magic ghost senses say she's here.
Tiki: Bottom boss arena. I think there's other people there too. Make sure to save first!
*To the boss arena! A boss is floating there!*
Boss: Nice job making it this far.
Chrom: Tons of stolen energy here BTW
Boss: Look at all these otaku I drained :D
Chrom: You remind me of that pathetic Yashiro doppelganger.
Itsuki: The guy with the Dragonstone?
Chrom: I wonder what the fuck is going on here.
Boss: Ah, my mustache bristles with victory! You think you can beat a general like me? Unparalleled? Undefeated? Unshaven?!
Itsuki: Yes?
Chrom: Careful though.
Itsuki: ASS WHOOPIN' TIME.
*We whoop his punk 'stached ass!*
Otaku: wha where am I
Other Otaku: I should be writing songs
Itsuki: Semi-named NPC, are you OK?!
TikiIsMyWaifu: You again? Thank you very much.
Itsuki: No problem.
TikiIsMyWaifu: ...You want more donuts?
Itsuki: No thanks.
TikiIsMyWaifu: The sweet headphones are staying with me.
Itsuki: Well, you could teach me songwriting.
TikiIsMyWaifu: What, that's all?! Shit, I can do that. Meet me at the cafe once we're out of here.
Itsuki: Sure, I'll escort everyone out.
TikiIsMyWaifu: You are a super nice guy, holy crap. ...But I remember the way.
Itsuki: I truly appreciate your kind hatred of escort missions, but there's all these other people anyway and it'll probably just cut to the exit and she's already gone. OK.
*Cut to the exit!*
Chrom: So he had a tiny Dragonstone fragment.
Itsuki: It's the size of my friggin' palm.
Chrom: That's probably why he was such a pain.
Itsuki: Well, we know what to do with rocks.
*To the cafe!*
TikiIsMyWaifu: Hi, Selfless-and-Kind-Person.
Itsuki: ...It's Itsuki Aoi.
TikiIsMyWaifu: Whatever. It's lesson time. ...Though I wonder if I know how to teach. It's usually just, like, ZAAAAP.
Itsuki: ...Zaaap?
TikiIsMyWaifu: How about you start with some lyrics? You're probably trying to impress someone, right? Think about them and make some shit up.
Itsuki: I can attempt that.
TikiIsMyWaifu: Music time. ...But how. I dunno, just go with the flow?
Itsuki: No help at all?
TikiIsMyWaifu: I dunno, I usually just do it. Start with a phrase of melody and elaborate on it?
Itsuki: I can attempt that... Like this?
TikiIsMyWaifu: That's probably OK?
Itsuki: Oh for fuck's sake.
TikiIsMyWaifu: Art is subjective, man. I think you get your point across, so it's probably a good song. They'll be totally into it, anyway, which is, I assume, what counts in this case. "Tiki", huh? Wow, you're pretending she's real almost as hard as I do.
Itsuki: Yeah, let's go with that.
TikiIsMyWaifu: Time to upload this. Let's have the whole world hear this embarrassing-ass song.
Itsuki: Can I play it for that person first, though?
TikiIsMyWaifu: Wait, there's actually a person? You have a life of some sort? Well, fuck you, then.
Itsuki: Thanks for the help you probably gave me! I'm running away now!
TikiIsMyWaifu: I don't really understand what just happened, but good luck, Selfless and Kind Person with an Actual Life.
*Itsuki gets the fuck out! We go to Tiki to have her listen to the song!*
Itsuki: Do you like it?
Tiki: It definitely makes me feel connected. Thank you!
Itsuki: Phew. Oh, and here's a rock.
Tiki: AAA
Itsuki: What?!
*Tiki stops floating!*
Tiki: I... I'm tangible?! I'M TANGIBLLLLEEEEEE, WHERE ARE THE DONUTS
Itsuki: How the fuck?
Tiki: I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE, BLAME THE STRONG FEELINGS YOU PUT INTO YOUR SONG, OR PROBABLY THE ROCK BUT WHERE ARE THE DONUTS
Itsuki: You sure that's what you want to do fir--
Tiki: DONUTS!! And outdoors! And and and
Itsuki: OK, no problem. I'll escort you wherever.
Tiki: And I want to do a concert like everyone else does! After the donuts!!
Itsuki: Maiko will lap that up, no problem.
Tiki: DONUUUUTS
*We watch Tiki do a concert! Remembering her times wandering Tokyo with the protagonist! And meeting TikiIsMyWaifu because she has all the donuts. Obvious OTP is obvious, c'mon. Later, we're hanging out on a rooftop because why the hell not!*
Tiki: That was awesome! So this is what normal people do.
Itsuki: I wouldn't go that far. But you could do tons of things now.
Tiki: And DONUTS :D
Itsuki: You might even find things you like more than donuts!
Tiki: Yeah, but this was just temporary, so probably not.
Itsuki: Aw :/
Tiki: It was so awesome! Thanks!
*Tiki starts to fade away!*
Itsuki: Oh, come on, this is bullshit!
Tiki: Sorry.
Itsuki: You can't disappear, I still have so much shit to forge!
Tiki: I will always remember this day and your warmth :D
Itsuki: THIS IS NOT A VISUAL NOVEL TIKI
*Tiki vanishes! Itsuki freaks the fuck out and yells her name into the sky! And wanders sadly back into the forge, where, of course, she is still hanging out!*
Tiki: Hi!
Itsuki: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD
Tiki: Sorry, I just kinda passed out and woke up back here. The rock just wore off, is all.
Itsuki: I thought you were deaaaad
Tiki: This is awkward :D
Itsuki: YOU DID THE DEATH SPEECHES AND EVERYTHING
Tiki: Come on, seriously, like you said, you still have so much shit to forge!
Itsuki: ALL THE FLAGS WERE TRIPPED
Tiki: Plot-essential NPC flag trumps all. Sorry to worry you.
Itsuki: Well, at least you're not tragically dead. And I can still forge shit.
Tiki: Aw <3
*Onward in the dungeon! To another cathedral!*
Kiria: More exposition murals. Some sealed dragon was resurrected by evil douche to destroy the world. And/or dominate it. These fucks are usually pretty confused that way.
Ghost Voice: Yo. Want this power? Trial time. Hurry it up so I can retire already.
Yashiro: Fine by me.
*Battle with not-Yashiro, Tsubasa, and Touma (Palla, Ogma, and Jagen)! We show them our strength, as requested!*
Ghost Voice: Good enough. Take it, I'm off to Miami.
*Tsubasa, Yashiro, and Touma get shiny orbs of their own!*
Tsubasa: Did we win? I forgot already.
Touma: Of course we fucking won, we're fucking awesome, Jesus Tsubasa get with the program!
Yashiro: We seem to be typecast rather perfectly.
Tsubasa: Just you left, fearless leader.
Itsuki: I foresee no problems with this.
*Onward, to another cathedral!*
Itsuki: More exposition murals? Giant war because of evil douche Gharnef and Shadow Dragon, blue-haired hero named Marth for some reason, gathered up a bunch of disparate heroes to whip ass for peace, sealed evil douche away but apparently not very well, legendary hero...
Chrom: I remember that name!
Tsubasa: So this is the guy who won like we would like to?
Itsuki: I am unclear on that exact point, but we're basically doing the same damn thing, yes. Stupid recycled plotlines.
Mamori: Wait, if this guy was sealed ages ago, how are we still fighting him now?
Itsuki: I noticed this discrepancy as well. Is it the same douche?
Tharja: totally, i mean who else would pick such a stupid name if they had a choice and no previous attachment to it? probably someone looked away for like two seconds and poof evil douche away
Itsuki: I guess that means we have to take this seriously.
New Ghost Voice: So this exposition has been the plot of this opera y'all need to perform. Good luck with the Divine Dragon summoning. Last trial is through here.
Itsuki: Well, at least we got a preview of the script.
Touma: This exposition is boring and teaching us nothing new. Let's kick some ghost hero ass already!
Itsuki: I'm down with that.
*Into the cathedral, where someone tangible awaits us!*
Producer: Hey bitches.
Itsuki: Oh, what the fuck.
Producer: Your opera sounds cool, but it'd fuck too much with my plot so--
Chrom: Why are you suck a dumb fucking stooge, you lunatic?
Gharnef: Why are YOU?
Chrom: I feel pretty safe in saying that I do not want to destroy the world and everyone in it, whatever my past was. Fuckstick.
Gharnef: And I say fuck everybody. I mean, I was driven mad by envy and jealousy, but I don't even give a fuck anymore. By the way, I was only dragged to the world by your Divine Dragon in the first place, so...
Itsuki: I should care?
Gharnef: The Divine Dragon rid our world of all performance arts! Just so no one could do the Shadow Opera! I'd even gone to the trouble of banishing the dragon loli here!
Itsuki: Why the fuck would you choose the world you banished the dangerous dragon loli to?!
Gharnef: SO MANY PERFORMANCE ARTS! And I was gonna summon an army of brainwashed ghosts to harvest it all!
Chrom: Okay, so, fuck you.
Gharnef: Or you could sit back and let me destroy the world.
Chrom: FUCK YOU AND YOUR LUDICROUSLY UNPERSUASIVE ARGUMENTS WITH MY ENTIRE INVENTORY AT ONCE
Gharnef: How predictable. But seriously, it's world-destroying time. I'm'a steal the hero soul you need for your opera now.
Yashiro: Oh, so we just need to kill you even sooner now? How terrible.
Gharnef: TURN TO THE DARRRK SIIIDE, WE HAVE COOKIES
Yashiro: NO YOU FUCKING DON'T, I HAVE BEEN ON MICROWAVIN' WITH MAMORIN AND AM IMMUNE TO YOUR CULINARY LIES
Producer: Cool, character growth! Anyway, c'mon, you can see they've been leveling. Steal all my energy and destroy the world!
Gharnef: Sure, whatever, you ignorant slut. I will be so fucking happy to be rid of you.
*Gharnef drains the life force from the Producer!*
Itsuki: Oh. No. How terrible. Can we please kill something now?
*Gharnef obligingly gains a boss form! Time to fight!*
Itsuki: Are we done now?
Gharnef: LOL, no. Actually I needed that to finish my opera. Sacrificing Marth and I to bring back the Shadow Dragon now, sayonara.
*Gharnef and glowy Marth soul fly away and vanish! Everything starts shaking!*
Touma: The fuck bullshit is this?!
Tsubasa: Load-bearing boooossssss
Itsuki: This is complete bullshit!
Chrom: The whole dungeon's going...
Tharja: on the one hand at least the prick is sincerely dead, but this is bad
Kiria: And TOTAL BULLSHIT
Tsubasa: Is it over now?
*We hear a heartbeat that dims the screen with every beat!*
Mamori: AAAAAA
Tharja: huh i guess the shadow dragon has a heart
Ellie: Oh, shit, this is the part of the movie where they break out the nukes!
Touma: No, it's the part where the serial killer breaks into the summer camp with a machete.
Itsuki: I think I understand why the Light Dragon banned performing arts now.
Kiria: Wellll, fuck. The evil dragon's alive and the light-dragon-summoning is fucked.
Tsubasa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Itsuki: Let's get back. Nothing else to be done here.
*Back to the magic forge shrine!*
Tiki: YOU HAD ONE JOB WHAT THE FUCK
Itsuki: Gharnef ganked the last soul.
Tiki: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLLLEEE
Itsuki: Because you didn't kill him right. Hush while I exposit.
Tiki: fuuuuckstiiiiicks
Touma: So now what?!
Tiki: I got nothin'.
Itsuki: How about now?
Tiki: Well, technically the hero's soul still exists, in the dragon... so if you perform the thing really near the dragon, that might work?
Kiria: Huh, OK.
Tiki: But that's batshit insane. So please ignore that.
Itsuki: It's better than getting killed here. No offense to your lovely garden, but a shit chance is a chance.
Tiki: fuuuuu
Yashiro: Why are we not killing things yet?
Touma: Why are we not killing them with fire?
Kiria: I think ice is also great and would suffice.
Ellie: This is just the third-act twist, no sense in stopping now.
Mamori: I would like the world not to end, especially not while I am in it, please!
Tsubasa: I don't have anywhere else to be. And you'll be there.
Itsuki: Let's get going, then. This cutscene has taken forever.
*Out to the office!*
Maiko: Soooo?
Barry: TELL US WHAT HAPPENED YOU PRICKS
Tsubasa: The fuck?!
Aya: But really, what happened?
Itsuki: Things are a bit fucked. Like, more fucked up than Barry's head. And more fucked up than the rest of his body is going to be the second I don't have anything else to worry about. Fuck you, Barry.
Aya: Oh, shit.
Barry: Holy crap.
Itsuki: Not giving up, though.
Tsubasa: Becoming an idol has given me the determination required to go through with this!
Maiko: Aaaw, my constant exploitation has made you stronger.
Tsubasa: I think it was more the grinding, but OK.
Maiko: Anyway, y'all, this battle is going to be exactly like being onstage. Play every show like it's your last! Put yourself on the line! So this will be exactly like a concert but with better special effects. Tsubasa? Grind more. Touma? Just go wreck shit. Kiria? Be the smart one. Ellie? You do you, girl, you do you. Mamori? Don't overwork yourself. Yashiro? I don't actually fucking know you. But go out and demonstrate your character development or something. And Itsuki? You're the protagonist. You have no actual goals, but you're the protagonist, and that's what really matters. Go kick some fuckin' ass.
Barry: I'll be cheering you on. Never stop rockin'!
Itsuki: Die in a fire, Barry.
Aya: I am utterly useless. Please don't die.
Itsuki: Thanks, everyone but Barry. Come on! To the obvious next dungeon!
*To the dungeon! It's ruined castles in the form of skyscrapers!*
Tsubasa: I sense eeeviiiil
Itsuki: No shit?
Chrom: It's pretty ominous.
Caeda: Gharnef, you worthless buttmonkey, what did you do?
Itsuki: Let's just summon this other dragon and end this.
*Later, to an elevator with a key hidden cleverly around the next corner! The first boss is waiting!*
Boss: YOU HUMILIATED ME! I AM SURE THINGS WILL GO BETTER THIS TIME!
*We humiliate him considerably harder!*
Draug: Final battle will be soon.
Mamori: aaaaa thanks for reminding me. And actual thanks for all the help.
Draug: I should be thanking you. You saved me from getting shackled to Barry ag-- brainwashing. From brainwashing. It's a debt I can never repay.
Mamori: Let's kick some ass, then!
Cain: Final battle is coming.
Touma: Let's kick some fuckin' ass!
Cain: Hahaha, I like you, you flash bastard.
Touma: I like you too, bro :D
Cain: Enough with the endgame chat, let's hit people.
Touma: Fuck yeah!
*Yashiro is finally ready to spill the last sidestory, though!*
Yashiro: Aoi. Cafe. Now.
Itsuki: Did you just send me a rose emoticon? Are you Tuxedo Masking at me now?
Yashiro: Why are you not here yet.
*To the cafe!*
Yashiro: Oh, it's you.
Itsuki: You texted me. Dumbass.
Yashiro: I want to talk to you about my next role.
Itsuki: Do you have a fever?
Yashiro: Yes, I think you're infecting me with your general weakness.
Itsuki: Glad to hear it!
Yashiro: They've drafted me into Touma's hero show. As the lead villain.
Itsuki: The only shocking part is you deigning to act in hero shows. Which shouldn't surprise me, after Mamorin.
Yashiro: Must you always bring that up?
Itsuki: You're goddamn right I must.
Yashiro: I'm used to only working lead roles. This guy is confusing me. He hates the hero but respects his skills. I don't get that.
Itsuki: ...I thought that's the exact reason why you were here.
Yashiro: Yes, but that's why I stopped fighting you. I don't get respecting someone and also wishing to kick their ass. One, the other, but not both at once. Help me figure it out.
Navarre: There's something in a dungeon you could fight.
Yashiro: OK, let's roll.
Itsuki: I have contributed so much to this discussion.
*To the dungeon!*
Yashiro: The fuck are we looking for?
Navarre: Just follow me.
Chrom: Well, it's powerful, whatever it is.
Itsuki: Sigh... whatever...
*To the boss room! It's the ghost of Yashiro's daddy!*
Chrom: The fuck?
Yashiro: Hi Dad.
Navarre: Thought it was him.
Itsuki: I think I see where this is going, and it's pretty fucked up.
Evil Ghost: Oh hey, I found your dad's soul wandering around and grabbed it. Iiii'm tooormentiiiiing hiiiiim
Chrom: So who is this new prick?
Yashiro: Soon to be dead?
Evil Ghost: I will fight you with your daddy's power! You're aaaangryyyyy. Didn't Daddy tell you to suppress all your emotions?
Yashiro: aaa
Evil Ghost: Now I'm gonna eat you.
Itsuki: Oh, for fuck's sake, let's just stab this bitch already.
Navarre: Yeah, you should channel your emotions into violence instead.
Itsuki: You'll surpaaasss hiiiim....
Yashiro: But Daddy was so cool :(
Itsuki: WE'VE TOTALLY GOT THIS, CAN WE KILL THIS FUCK ALREADY
Yashiro: fiiiiine let's KILL some shitheads
*We kick the guy's ass!*
Yashiro's Daddy: Surprise, we were just testing you.
Evil Ghost: That was so fucking stupid. I'm so glad I don't have ghost kids.
Yashiro: The fuck?
Itsuki: I don't get it.
Yashiro's Daddy: I said I was just testing you. Didn't you wonder where he learned that trick from?
Yashiro: ...
Yashiro's Daddy: Your ghost pal said you were sad, so I figured this would help.
Itsuki: But how the fuck are you even here?
Yashiro's Daddy: My ghost pal here saved me. I'm still dead, but I was worried about the kid I did a shit job of raising, so I haunt. Well. I kick around this dimension, anyway, which doesn't really count since no one fucking comes here. Glad you're doing OK, kid.
Yashiro: ...
Yashiro's Daddy: You've grown. I'm glad you have friends now. Keep training hard, though.
Yashiro: ...
Yashiro's Daddy: Look after my noob kid, eh guys?
Itsuki: Um, OK?
Navarre: Got it.
Yashiro's Daddy: Thanks for keeping me around, ghost pal.
Evil Ghost: Eh, I was bored.
Yashiro's Daddy: Sorry I was absolutely no use in raising you.
Yashiro: It's OK, I pretended that the fighting meant you cared. I'm also going to pretend I learned the lesson I wanted from this, somehow. Thanks. I think. You prick.
*New magic shit get!*
Yashiro's Daddy: I'm happy I could finally do something useful for you. I'm dying properly now.
Itsuki: Huh?
Yashiro's Daddy: Have you not seen the glowing sparkles and shit, kid? My son has some dumbass friends. Anyway, keep training hard.
Yashiro: Absolutely!
*Yashiro's Daddy ascends dramatically!*
Yashiro: OK, let's go train.
Itsuki: That man wasn't right in the head.
*Fusing new magic shit!*
Yashiro: Thanks for the bullshit trickery, I think. It let me let go of the old douche for good.
Navarre: Manly grunt.
Yashiro: You lying vixen.
Navarre: I learned from the best.
Yashiro: Fair enough.
Navarre: I'm glad you came to this lunatic carnival ride. You've grown.
Yashiro: Ellipses.
Navarre: I mean, sure, you can live depending only on yourself and devoting your whole live to your training, but it's stupid. Anyway, friendship is magic.
Yashiro: Sure, you fucking brony. I treasure your friendship, at least.
Navarre: Fair enough.
*We cut to the hero show! Yashiro is hamming it up in the final battle! If only we had met under different circumstances, we might have been friends! But I'm a stubborn jackass, so it cannot be! We're watching in the office, as always!*
Touma: Hahaha, that was awesome! You were awesome!
Yashiro: Of course I was god damn awesome, have we not met?
Itsuki: It's still weird to see you in a hero show, though.
Yashiro: Mamorin.
Itsuki: But awesome!
Yashiro: Flatterer.
Touma: I'm glad the stick up your ass is dislodging. You're a lot less of a loner freak now.
Itsuki: Socializing is magic!
Yashiro: Evidently. You weirdoes have helped me develop my character.
Touma: Mega-weirdo.
Yashiro: Thanks, protagonist. You have taught me much. Some of it intentional. You have taught me that I am not always perfect, and that other people exist and matter. For the character development, I salute you.
Itsuki: This just gets more and more uncomfortable. The potential always slept within you?
Yashiro: Damn right it did.
Itsuki: Maybe I should've just lapped up the praise from you while I could.
Yashiro: Just bask in the reflected awesome. Also, you're my friend now.
Itsuki: Wow. I'm flattered.
*Final Sidestory Complete! But one more thing...*
Maiko: Hmmm, I have an idea.
Itsuki: Oh, dear anime jesus.
Maiko: Touma's doing awfully well these days, eh?
Itsuki: He works hard.
Maiko: He even acted opposite Yashiro, didn't he?
Itsuki: I sense more terrible collaborations leading to awesome arcane magic. God help us all, let's do it.
Maiko: Collaboration time! The two biggest studs of Fortuna Entertainment, together at last! Is this hot, or is it cool?!
Itsuki: I'm not sure if I should be insulted, or if I'm going to hell for my part in any of this, but I'm already in Otaku Hell, so, sure?
Maiko: Hot AND cool, yo!
Itsuki: ...Right.
Maiko: Fire and ice! Good and evil! A chemical reaction of charisma!
Itsuki: I'd watch it? On the battlefield?
Maiko: I'm gonna make 'em do it now :D
Itsuki: I hope to god that's the only time they've heard that sentence from you.
*Onward in the dungeon! Second boss is waiting for us!*
Aversa: Took you long enough. The Shadow Dragon resurrected me! We're totally going to win!
*She loses quite promptly! We chat with a couple more party members!*
Caeda: I'm in a reminiscing mood. It's cool how you really love singing. It broadened my horizons beyond kicking ass.
Tsubasa: Thanks for teaching me how to kick ass!
Virion: Looks like we're hitting all the endgame plot beats. And I still haven't gotten you to act like a lady :/
Ellie: Who the fuck gives a shit?! I'm going to Hollywood!
Virion: That you are. Good luck with it.
Ellie: ...I guess I could be a little classier. Sometimes. Maybe. Later.
*To the next mid-boss refight! Photo boss punk is waiting!*
Gangrel: Hey there bitches. All the dark magic makes this place super cozy, don't you think? I love being the boss. Anyway, it's payback time!
*We indeed pay him back with interest!*
Tharja: we've been together for a while huh
Kiria: Like five years now, god help me.
Tharja: and i still haven't killed you, even with how you used to annoy the fuck out of me. you were at least serious about singing, a for effort there. anyway out of all the cast members you're one of the least shitty so i guess i lucked out
Kiria: You're a homicidal maniac, but you're my homicidal maniac. Final battle time. Don't you ditch me now.
Tharja: heeheehee that would be hilarious but ok
*Onward, past a ridiculous path maze, we find some giant statues!*
Statue: Look at that big ass theater of the gods up in the sky there. You noticed it, right? Anyway, let's see if you can sing. ...The chicks look like they can sing. Not gonna bother actually making you do it. Go check out the other statues now.
Next Giant Statue: You noticed the big-ass boss arena up there, right? We put a lot of effort into rendering that shit. Anyway. Can you guys act? ...Yeah, OK, you look like you can act. Go for it.
Last Giant Statue: We mentioned the boss arena, right? I'm going to judge your divine summoning skills, because these are related to song and acting. ...You look like an RPG protagonist, kid. That's all you're good at, but it's the most vital skill of all. Here, have the elevator key.
*Up the elevator to the next boss retread!*
Excellus: Thanks for your part in waking up the dragon. Shame you had to show up here and make me kill you.
*We promptly kill him!*
Navarre: Looks like your revenge quest is about to be over.
Yashiro: Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Thanks for the help.
Navarre: Why do you mention it?
Yashiro: I sense that this is endgame and we need to wrap things up. And I dragged you into all this.
Navarre: Eh, it was fun. I learned far, far more than I ever wanted to know. So let's go kick some ass.
Yashiro: Fuck yes.
*Upwards! To the castle with the floating rococo sphere on top!*
Tharja: yup there's some evil
Kiria: No shit.
Tharja: lol yeah but i'm sure somebody in the party was surprised
Itsuki: Wow, final boss time.
Chrom: Just an evil dragon left. Thanks for everything by the way.
Itsuki: You're the one with all the magic shit. This logically should be one hell of a long shot, but shall we give it a go anyway?
Chrom: We're platonic soulmates, man, we're both stuck with this shit. Bromance bromance. Besides, I'm not too worried. You're a protagonist.
Itsuki: let's get this shit going, then.
*Up the magic laser elevator to the sky globe arena!*
Itsuki: Is this obvious last boss arena where the obvious last boss is?
Tsubasa: How odd that all these "operas" should take place in stagelike arenas!
Tharja: altar, stage, what's the difference. y'all think operas are entertainment don't you
Kiria: It's hotly debated. Whatever, stages are our thing, yo. Opera of Light shit.
Itsuki: Yes, we are to perform this Opera of Light to fight this Shadow Dragon who is named Medeus.
Yashiro: We went through that whole quest to get ancient hero souls and shit just for this.
Kiria: I think we really expect you to have fucked around sidequesting for like 5 hours before bothering to come up here.
Itsuki: Will I be an OK hero?
Yashiro: For the love of God, you get reassurances every thirty god damn seconds.
Itsuki: Yeah, but there wasn't a trial or whatever. Am I really worthy to be a Fire Emblem protagonist?
Yashiro: Who the ever-loving fuck else is going to do it? For the love of Anime Jesus, accept your protagonist status already.
Itsuki: I'm a protagonist?
Yashiro: jesus h motherfucking christ on a fucking pony
Itsuki: But what gives me the right to be a protagonist?
Yashiro: YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY THE SYSTEM. GET THE FUCK INTO THAT ARENA OR I WILL PROPEL YOU THERE WITH MY SWORD.
Tsubasa: I don't want to condone his violence, but you really are the obvious hero! Remember all the battle leading you've done? And the childhood friending? For the eighteenth time, just like my legal age, you're the hero!
Touma: You're the friendleader. You facilitate our combat and leveling. You're the hero. For fuck's sake.
Kiria: You're the hero, dumbshit. No one else could be so dense and yet still breathing.
Ellie: Seriously, go hero it up or I'll fucking do it, shit-for-brains.
Mamori: You're the hero! I wanna be your knight! And there's nothing at all wrong with that!
Kiria: That's six votes for "you're the goddamn protagonist, fuckwaffle". All opposed?
Itsuki: OK, I'll stop fishing for compliments now. Let's go kick some ass.
Kiria: Thank anime Christ.
*We actually start a goddamn opera! With narration and stupid poses! In our street clothes! Telling the generic Fire Emblem story! We successfully summon the Shadow Dragon for a boss fight! In an unusual display of sensibility, it unceremoniously shoots a red laser straight through Itsuki's heart! The designated canon love interest flips out! Everyone gathers around!*
Touma: GET UP, THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU
Yashiro: YOU'RE MY RIVAL, THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU
Kiria: YOU'RE THE FRIENDLEADER, THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU
Ellie: THIS ENDING IS FUCKING STUPID, THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU
Mamori: I'M AN ADORABLE LOLI, THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU
Tsubasa: YOU'RE MY GODDAMN PROTAGONIST, THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU
*The power of plot, heart, and anime tears summons rainbow hero magic orbs to mildly inconvenience the dragon and rescue the hero soul to revive Itsuki! He gains a more Fire Emblemy costume and stupid blue Super Saiyan hair! Everyone is shocked!*
Kiria: A plot miracle! Who would have guessed!
Itsuki: Uh, hi guys. My hair feels different. It's kind of alarming.
Tiki: Oh hey, me and the other support characters are crashing the party!
*Indeed, Tiki teleports in! With Maiko! And Barry! For reasons passing understanding!*
Itsuki: What the fuck.
Tiki: You need all your social link ranks for the final battle! It's tradition!
Itsuki: I don't want a social link with Barry!
Tiki: Just think of how you'll be free to kill him after the dragon is gone!
Itsuki: Ugh, fuck it, fuck everything about this. FIRE EMBLEM TIME
*Anime cutscene! Everyone floats up on flying magic discs to fight the dragon! While singing generic JPop about heroing, social links, and title-dropping Fire Emblem at random intervals! I could not tell you why this was necessary! Everyone arrives at the Very Definitely Final Arena and Tiki shows the true power of her dragonstone to turn into a big (but comparatively small) fuck-off dragon! She swears she's casting a status effect on it! The battle finally fucking begins! Phase one lasts 4 rounds! The dragon summons meteor, I mean cosmic dark nebula energy!*
Tiki: We've totally cornered him now! Kick his ass harder! Have a fullheal!
*We continue humiliating the dragon with Itsuki striking poses that look even dumber in his new costume, hero show bullshit, and Barry in a dog costume, because fuck you dragon and fuck you Barry! Round 9, and the dragon and arena explode a lot from the sheer shame!*
Itsuki: It's over?
Yashiro: Did we win...? That easily...?
Tiki: YAY WE WON
Tsubasa: We really seem to have won!
Touma: HOLY CRAP BIG DAMN HEROES YO
Mamori: And we're not dead!
Ellie: Well of course we won, what other outcome was even possible?
Kiria: Hahaha, you can never pretend not to be a hero again. Without being stabbed, anyway.
*We survey our party one more time!*
Itsuki: No, we won with the power of friendship, and franchise legacy.
*A glowing orb leaves Itsuki and floats away!*
Tiki: Oh, looks like the hero's wandering back off.
Itsuki: Thanks for the resurrect, hero soul. Godspeed.
Tiki: Bye again Mar-Mar...
Itsuki: "Mar-Mar"?
Maiko: Hi, I'm here! Fuck this cutscene and everything about it! Let's... get... DRUUUUUUNK
Touma: FUCK YEAH
Itsuki: You OK, Tiki?
Tiki: Nothing is wrong at all! I'm just going to stare at the sky wistfully for a bit!
*Chapter 6 end!*

Chapter Text

Iori: Hey, you! Yeah, I see you, looking at that dungeon gate! Come talk to me for a sidequest!
Itsuki: I will never understand why we have to meet two blocks away, but for stat boosts, I will do this.
Iori: So you know that weird gate? I touched it when I saw it and fell into the dungeon. A bunch of monsters were totally gonna eat me, but this super hot maybe-a-monster chick came and saved me! I'm in love, man!
Itsuki: ...
Iori: Go find that hot chick and tell her I love her!
Itsuki: ...Nothing good can come of this.
*To the dungeon! The ghost chick is conveniently near the entrance!*
Ghost Chick: You lookin' at me?
Itsuki: Some guy is in love with you.
Ghost Chick: That fucking loser? Jesus Christ. He was clinging to me, yelling, "Get me outta here!" I told him the way out just to got rid of him. Grooossss. Tell that Io-whatever-his-name-is this... If I ever see him again, I'll rip that jiggly pompadour of his to shreds!
Itsuki: Fair enough.
*Back to Iori!*
Iori: Did she remember me :D
Itsuki: ...Yeaaaah.
Iori: ...Well, shit. She didn't have to be so heartless! What, is it the pompadour? Maybe it's outta fashion where she's from.
Itsuki: Uh, I hate to break it to you...
Iori: I guess it was a lost cause from the start. I mean, we literally live in different worlds. I mean, it sucks... but I guess I'll just have to look for a new love. Anyway, thanks for the help. You and me are gonna be buddies. I can tell.
Itsuki: Oh, fuck--
Iori: Here, have two Mag Incenses.
Itsuki: --yes!
*A couple chapters later...*
Iori: Hey, help a brother out?
Itsuki: Seriously, why do you keep finding me at one place and making us actually talk at another?
Iori: So I fell in love with another monster ghost chick.
Itsuki: ...
Iori: What?! Look, I wandered into another dungeon, and there was this super hot chick staring at the TV screens! I don't think I had the sense to strike up a conversation, though. Tell her I want to talk to her!
Itsuki: Ugh, OK...
*To the dungeon!*
Ghost Chick: You got a problem, punk?
Itsuki: This guy is in love with you.
Ghost Chick: Ohhh, I remember him. He was hitting on me, saying, "That tanuki tail you got there is beautiful!" I didn't want to deal with him, so I erased his memory and threw him out. Thinking about him makes my hair stand on end! Hey, you! Tell that Io-whatever-his-name-is this... If I ever see him again, I'm gonna paint a stripe on that pompadour of his and turn it into a tanuki tail!
Itsuki: Fair enough.
*Back to Iori!*
Iori: Did you find her?!
Itsuki: Um... yeah.
Iori: Aw, man, she didn't have to be so mean! Is it the hair? Is it too boring?
Itsuki: ...
Iori: I guess it was a lost cause from the start. I mean, we literally live in different worlds. Anyways, thanks for the help. I mean, it sucks... but I guess I'll just have to look for a new love.
Itsuki: I don't know if that's a good idea--
Iori: Have a couple Speed Incenses.
Itsuki: --but you do you, bro.
*A chapter or so later...*
Iori: Oh, hey, got a minute?
Itsuki: I'd have a couple minutes more if you didn't make me meet you at this damn statue to actually cough up your request.
Iori: I fell in love with another monster chick!
Itsuki: ...
Iori: ... Speechless? Yeah, I know. Get used to it already. I mean, it's the third-- holy crap, has this already happened three times...?
Itsuki: Yes, yes it has.
Iori: It's more or less the same as last time. There was this super hot chick who was looking somberly down at the ruins below... so tell her I want to chat?
Itsuki: You can't seriously believe this can possibly--
Iori: Thanks, bro!
Itsuki: Whatever...
*To the dungeon!*
Ghost Chick: You look like you want to talk.
Itsuki: There's this guy who's interested in you.
Ghost Chick: Ahhh, I remember him. He was waving at me as he drifted by on an tiny island. I didn't want to talk to him, so I ignored him and he drifted away. ... So he made it out alive, huh? Hey, you! Tell that Io-whatever-his-name-is this... If I ever see him again, I'm gonna stick a horizontal stabilizer on that pompadour of his and send him flying!
Itsuki: Fair en... how the fuck did he survive that shit?!
*Back to Iori!*
Iori: Did she remember? :D
Itsuki: ...Yeaaaah.
Iori: Why's she gotta me so mean about it?!
Itsuki: Monster?
Iori: It's the pompadour again, huh? What's she tryin' to say? It's such a drag, it needs one of them... horizontal... stabilizers...? *Sigh* ... I guess it was a lost cause from the start. I mean, we literally live in different worlds. ... Anyway, thanks for the help. I mean, it sucks... but I guess I'll just have to look for a new love.
Itsuki: You could also nurture your independence--
Iori: Have a couple Defense Incenses.
Itsuki: --from dangerous magical items.
*Probably immediately after, given sidequest triggers!*
Iori: Yoooo duuude got a sec
Itsuki: We're talking here? Are you OK?
Iori: I finally got a daaate maaaan
Itsuki: ...
Iori: We're gonna hang out in that dungeon you hate
Chrom: I think his energy has been eaten.
Itsuki: He is acting strange in unusual ways. Let's find this date of his.
*To the dungeon we hate!*
Monster Lady: HE IS MY GULLIBLE STOOGE AND YOU WILL NEVER TAKE HIM AWAY
*Easy battle time! That avails nothing!*
Monster Lady: I ACCEPTED HIM AFTER SO MANY KICKED HIM AROUND, OUR LOVE IS FOREVER
Itsuki: Jesus Christ.
Chrom: I think the problem might be with him.
Itsuki: Fuck.
*Back to Iori!*
Iori: Noooo maaan, I was feeling all down and unmanly after getting turned down so many times, but this new monster loves me for who I aaaammm!
Itsuki: So your confidence is gone.
Iori: Screw those other chicks anyway, I got my girl!
Itsuki: ...Maybe I'll talk to the other chicks again.
*To talk to the other chicks!*
Chick One: The fuck do you want?
Itsuki: It's that loser again...
Chick One: Oh... I didn't realize my words would have that much of an impact on that guy... Come to think of it, walking around here on his own two legs is pretty impressive, isn't it?
Itsuki: Or stupid, but let's go with that.
Chick One: In fact, I think he should be proud of that and stop feeling so bad about himself. Heck, next time, I'd even be willing to show him around town. Please let him know I said that.
Itsuki: OK!
Chick One: ...But if I ever see him again, I still want to take that jiggly pompadour of his and rip it to shreds.
Itsuki: Fair enough!
Chick Two: What's your problem now?
Itsuki: That guy again.
Chick Two: Oh... I didn't realize my words would have that much of an impact on that guy... Come to think of it, mistaking me for a TV show staff member is pretty impressive, isn't it?
Itsuki: It does indeed leave one with an impression.
Chick Two: In fact, I think he should be proud of that and stop feeling so bad about himself. Heck, next time, I'd even be willing to take him on a tour of the studio. Please let him know I said that.
Itsuki: Got it!
Chick Two: ...But I still want to paint a stripe on that pompadour of his and turn it into a tanuki tail.
Itsuki: Fair enough!
Chick Three: What is it?
Itsuki: That same guy is pretty down on himself now.
Chick Three: Oh... I didn't realize my words would have that much of an impact on that guy... Come to think of it, it's pretty impressive that he survived after getting stuck on that drifting island, don't you think?
Itsuki: It actually is.
Chick Three: In fact, I think he should be proud of that and stop feeling so bad about himself. Heck, next time, I'd be willing to go on a floating island cruise with him. Please let him know I said that.
Itsuki: If you're sure.
Chick Three: ... But I still want to stick a horizontal stabilizer on that pompadour of his and send him flying.
Itsuki: Fair enough!
*Back to Iori!*
Iori: go awaaaay i have a daaaate
Itsuki: The girls who dumped you have blatantly lied to protect your precious manly feelings!
Iori: I have renewed confidence! But my energy is getting eaten by a ghost!
Itsuki: I can take care of that.
*Back to the dungeon!*
Ghost Lady: I FINALLY HAD A PROM DATE, YOU ASSHOLE
*Take two! The defeat sticks this time!*
Chrom: I think this is finally over.
Itsuki: I want my fucking loot.
*Back to Iori!*
Iori: ...As you can see, I'm good, man. Thanks again. Yeah, I learned my lesson this time. Running from reality and chasing spooky monster girls only leads to trouble.
Itsuki: No shit.
Iori: Those encouraging words from the girls I fell in love with really mean a lot... But it's time for me to return to reality. That was the last favor I'll ever ask of you. Seriously, man, thank you.
Itsuki: I'm glad you have learned such a broadly generalizable lesson.
Iori: I'm gonna go find some normal girls to hit on. Which means I'm getting the fuck out of Shibuya. See ya!
Itsuki: Thanks for the incenses, you goddamn tosser.

Chapter Text

Tiki: OK, there he is! I've got him under control for now. Here's Naga's Blessing, you can use it to protect against ailments for a turn! Good luck!
Itsuki: Tell Naga thanks! ...For nothing. What a waste of two SP. Touma, you got the clap tracks?
Touma: You know it, bro!
Itsuki: Then it's time... to STRIKE A POSE.
*Vogue! Itsuki lets his body move to the music! Everybody somehow gets double turns!*
Dark Dragon: What the fuck
Itsuki: WYRMSLAYER, BITCH
Dark Dragon: Marth, what the fuck?!
Marth: YOU DROVE ME TO THIS, YOU SCALY PIECE OF SHIT
Dark Dragon: I can't believe you're dignifying this with--
Touma: WAR CRY
Dark Dragon: SHIT that debuff hurts!
Touma: Hahaha, fuck you. LANCES FOR EVERYBODY
Mamori: I'll protect against ailments just in case it's important! And here's a clap track!
Dark Dragon: OK, my mooks are mostly dead, and I don't know what the fuck you're playing at, but FEEL MY WRATH
Itsuki: ...Pfft. Is that all you've got?
Dark Dragon: fuckdammit
Itsuki: STRIKE A POSE
Dark Dragon: Oh, fuck you!
Itsuki: WYRMSLAYER, YOU CUTSCENE-MURDERING PRICK
Touma: Well, the debuffs are still up. So YOU get a lance and YOU get a lance--
Mamori: And YOU get a big fuck-off axe! Also I think I'll try this null damage spell.
Dark Dragon: Oh, fuck you. Taste the wrath of my tail!
Mamori: No-sell!
Dark Dragon: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK
Mamori: Teehee!
Dark Dragon: Ugh. YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN MY FINAL FORM ok it looks exactly the same but
Tiki: Here, guys, have a fullheal!
Dark Dragon: I AM BACK TO FULL HEALTH AND MORE PISSED THAN EVER
Itsuki: Oh, really?
Dark Dragon: I AM INTIMIDATING
Itsuki: AND I AM ZOOLANDER
Dark Dragon: MARTH I AM SERIOUS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
Marth: IF YOUR STUPID ASS DIDN'T KEEP RESURRECTING IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO COME TO THIS YOU MISBEGOTTEN SLIME EEL
Itsuki: I wonder if just zapping you would actually work better? You have an electric weakness too.
Dark Dragon: OW, MOTHERFUCKER
Itsuki: Hahaha, pwned.
Touma: Hey, did you miss my whole-party offense/defense/hit/evade nerf :D
Dark Dragon: GO TO HELL YOU FLASH BASTARD
Touma: I bet you like all our defense-halving passives activating too :D
Dark Dragon: YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE WHY THE WORLD DESERVES THIS
Touma: Hey, Yashiro, wanna re-enact the last episode of our hero show for this fuck :D
Yashiro: I believe it would be quite edifying, yes.
Dark Dragon: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE WEARING. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A GIANT SCREW IN YOUR HEAD. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HURTING ME. Actually, that last part is the only one that makes sense.
Mamori: Big fuck-off axe time! Oh, hey, Itsuki...?
Itsuki: Oh, you know it. HEY BARRY YOU FAT SACK OF LARD
Barry: FUCK YOU
Mamori: Pleeease come make yourself useful?
Barry: OK :D
Mamori: Here, boy! Fetch this giant fuck-off axe through his neck!
Dark Dragon: Why is this fat white man in a dog costume.
Barry: Woof! :D
Dark Dragon: WHAT THE FUCK
Barry: Grr! Woof Woof!
Dark Dragon: WHY IS THIS MAN DRESSED AS A DOG AND HITTING ME WITH AN AXE
Marth: YOU FUCKING DESERVE THIS
Dark Dragon: HOW IS THIS MAN DRESSED AS A DOG AND HITTING ME WITH AN AXE
Marth: EVERY MOTHERFUCKING SECOND OF THIS, YOU EMO LIZARD EDGELORD
Dark Dragon: I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING COPE WITH THIS
Marth: SUCK IT THE FUCK DOWN
Dark Dragon: i'm just going to fucking die now
Marth: DIE, AND KNOW THAT THE WEIGHT OF YOUR SINS FOLLOWS YOU STRAIGHT DOWN INTO HELL
Dark Dragon: i just can't fucking cope
Marth: YOU DID THIS TO US
Itsuki: Yay, we won!
Marth: Awesome. I'm going to go get really, really drunk. With the grace of god, I will never, ever, ever have to see any of you again.
Itsuki: I suggest asking the barkeep for whatever's got the most vodka. Good luck with that!
Marth: ugh, thanks, zoolander, i guess

Chapter Text

*Epilogue start! A few days later...*
Maiko: Wanna go wander around the map for a victory lap? Or you could sit in my victory lap.
Itsuki: OK.
Maiko: Eh, ethics, and your whole harem would murder me. Go talk to 'em.
*To the lesson studio!*
Barry: You should wander around the map for a victory lap!
Itsuki: I am. I just thought this might be a good time to drop in and stab you.
Barry: FINE JUST WANDER IN AND CHILL YOU LAZY BASTARD
Itsuki: Where'd my sword go, anyway?
Barry: You really have a lot of spare time now, huh?
Itsuki: We still have jobs... This industry is a fucking meatgrinder...
Barry: I didn't expect you to have any spark of awareness. Well, nothing's changing for me, that's for sure.
Itsuki: That breathing thing might.
Barry: I'll just keep rooting for everyone from the sidelines like always!
Itsuki: You lazy fuck.
Barry: I teach people how to influence people and that's good enough for me!
Itsuki: Thanks for the support. I would not have learned how best to stab you without it.
Barry: Sounds weird from a guy like you, but OK I guess. AAA I'VE GOT TO GO WATCH MAMORI
Itsuki: ...Next time. Next time is the time that I stab him.
*Checking on Kiria!*
Kiria: Hey.
Itsuki: On break?
Kiria: Yup. Show's been going great.
Itsuki: Crowd seems super excited.
Kiria: Music is such a huge part of so many people's lives. Even if you don't love it, it's omnipresent anyway. I'm glad I was able to protect all my listeners, willing and unwilling. The monster attacks seem to have stopped too. I guess we can stop fighting now?
Itsuki: Isn't that good?
Kiria: I guess, but I feel like I'm wasting my talent. I mean, war is bad and all, but... I miss the levels...
Itsuki: I could help fill your empty nights.
Kiria: Y-you can't just say things like that in public... Anyway, I'm going to rethink my life. Got more time to now, anyway. So I'll keep you posted.
*Chatting up Yashiro!*
Yashiro: Yo.
Itsuki: Is it safe for you to be wandering around in public? Fans and all.
Yashiro: My ART gives me ninja stealth powers. I have a Somebody Else's Problem field enveloping me right now.
Itsuki: ...If you say so.
Yashiro: Spend long enough in the biz and you'll learn it too. ONE OF USSSSSS
Itsuki: ...So what're you doing here?
Yashiro: Out for a walk. Bitch. It's weird having "free time", and not spending it training obsessively. Am I aimless without my revenge quest...? What do I even live for now?
Itsuki: You'll figure something out for yourself. You have plenty of time. Though, have you considered piracy?
Yashiro: I suppose I do, at that. Thanks for the support. I think I'll keep taking a stroll. See you.
*Chasing down Tsubasa!*
Tsubasa: You showed up at the cafe I told you I was at?!
Itsuki: Whatcha doing here?
Tsubasa: SHHHH people will heaaaar you
Itsuki: Oh, right. "Adoring" fans.
Tsubasa: I wish we could just hang out like normal people.
Itsuki: Eh, at least you've achieved your dreams.
Tsubasa: I know I've said it more often than I've had birthdays, but I'm totally here thanks to your help.
Itsuki: I'm just a fucking cheerleader, oh my god.
Tsubasa: Your cheerleading was the most important thing to me!
Itsuki: Well... whatever makes you happy...?
Tsubasa: Hahaha, it's so adorably like you to be dense as a brick. Anyway, weird having all this free time now.
Itsuki: Isn't it though?
Tsubasa: And the big festival is winding down.
Itsuki: Is it not challenging anymore?
Tsubasa: Heh, we will have tons of work to do. I want to train everything else now that stabbing isn't as important! I want to teach the world to smile! So, keep cheerleading?
Itsuki: I think it's what I'm paid for, though I am honestly vague on that.
Tsubasa: Oh, I have to get out of here! See you later!
*Conversing with Mamori!*
Itsuki: Good morning, ma'am.
Mamori: Hahaha, so formal.
Itsuki: Haha, sorry, overcompensating. Whatcha doing here?
Mamori: I had time to kill, so I'm checking all the events out. All these models are so pretty! I wonder if I could be a model when I grow up?
Itsuki: Well, I'm sure you could if you wanted. When you grow up. In a few years.
Mamori: Heehee, thanks. There's so much I want to do when I grow up! I want to try acting and modeling and especially singing! I want to try other genres like JPop or JPop or Enka...
Itsuki: I'm sure you'll have the chance. Maiko seems to like genre bending.
Mamori: Thanks for inspiring my diverse ambitions!
Itsuki: Everyone keeps saying I do things. I have not seen any evidence to back this up.
Mamori: You did tons! It was amazing! We promise! So stay with us at the company, OK?
Itsuki: Knowing Maiko, I'm pretty sure I signed some horrific contract that mandates it. Also my firstborn, rights to dictate the mother of my firstborn, and probably my soul.
Mamori: Yay :D W-well, I'm going to keep wandering! See you!
*Running into Ellie!*
Ellie: Came here just to see me, eh?
Itsuki: Sure, you betcha.
Ellie: A-ahem. Well then. Just, sit back and watch a super awesome performance, then! ...When I'm not on break. Sure is quiet these days, eh? That whole end of the world thing three days ago feels like just a dream.
Itsuki: A terrible, terrible dream.
Ellie: But now I'm free to concentrate on the important things! Like HOLLYWOOD! So, just watch me, OK?
Itsuki: You have told me what will happen if I don't, yes.
Ellie: Anyway, I'd better get ready. See you later!
*Hanging with Touma!*
Touma: Sup bro? What brings you here?
Itsuki: Checking out the festival. What about you?
Touma: My gig's over, so I'm just taking it easy. Tokyo looks so peaceful from this rooftop. Normal people going about their normal lives... same old Tokyo...
Itsuki: I don't know how normal Tokyo is, but OK.
Touma: Hard to believe the world almost ended. And almost nobody knows. When I first gained anime magic, I was awed by the sheer power. Kind of underwhelming now, though. And we saved the world, how weird is that shit?
Itsuki: Super weird.
Touma: I was only able to fight in the last battle because you were there with me, bro. I would've totally failed otherwise somehow, I just know it. Ah, I gotta go get ready for my next gig! See you later!
*Chatting with Maiko!*
Maiko: Back to the office already?
Itsuki: Just passing by.
Maiko: Aaaaw, you didn't come by here just to see me?
Itsuki: I went literally everywhere else first. And talked with Barry. Fucking Barry, ma'am.
Maiko: Still pretty busy out there, eh? Just think, you protected all that.
Itsuki: I'm not sure I feel good about that, to be honest.
Maiko: You've really accomplished amazing things. You saved the world. I guess that means I did too by press-ganging you into the company :D
Itsuki: I guess?
Maiko: Meeem'riiiies, of those days three months agoooo
Itsuki: It came as a shock. I didn't think I'd ever be gainfully employed.
Maiko: Good thing I snatched you up, though. Besides the saving of the world, it's been a blast. Despite your near-total blandness, you make an enormous impression on everyone around you. Oh hey, you should say hi to Tiki. She was also a vital part of this.
*To visit Tiki and wrap this shit up! The ghost gang is all here!*
Itsuki: Hi Tiki! ...Hi, every other ghost pal. What's going on here?
Tiki: We have something to tell you.
Itsuki: Oh, god, that is the worst conversation starter.
Chrom: We're getting the fuck out of this popsicle stand.
Itsuki: Huh?
Caeda: We have our memories, there's nothing left to stab...
Itsuki: Except Barry.
Caeda: There's nothing else keeping us here.
Itsuki: You got your memories back? When did that happen?
Chrom: Off camera. When we killed the plot dragon. It was very poignant. Anyway, we've learned a lot from you, and we will put those lessons to work back in our home dimension. By banning the performing arts even harder.
Tiki: No, no, arcane magic is awesome! We're gonna bring it back!
Itsuki: Dear anime Jesus, why?
Tiki: We're going to need magic to make living in that barren shithole bearable!
Itsuki: I thought it was forbidden there to stop the evil dragon. Isn't that a huge risk?
Chrom: Eh, if he comes back, we'll just kill him a few more times. Been there, done that, just another sequel. You've taught us that the power of plot is on our side. So we can get the fuck out of here now.
Itsuki: Well, you seem determined. I guess this is goodbye. I can hardly try to stop you. But I'll miss you and I consider you all friends.
Chrom: ...Thanks.
Caeda: Please keep Tsubasa safe. And everyone else, I guess.
Cain: Huzzah, broship :D
Tharja: heeheehee you kinda don't suck kid
Virion: I wish we'd had a chance to talk as nobles do. By which I mean, basically shoot the shit.
Navarre: We didn't want to come here at all, but it was nice meeting you.
Draug: The honor of friendship!
*Everyone gathers around! Tiki casts a magic spell!*
Chrom: See you later, extradimensional kid.
Tiki: I'll miss you, big brother! And the others. I'll remember it for my whole dragon loli life! Thanks, and I hope we meet again in a sequel someday!
*We get one last look at everyone before they vanish! Itsuki checks out the empty ruined castle shrine and strides back out! The credits roll! Everyone is starting a recording session for a special Fortuna fifth anniversary song! It is generic JPop EP as fuck! The genericness blinds! Or that might just be the synth! Or the 70's beat! Or the shine of the names as the credits pass the center of the screen! Itsuki's singing voice is aggressively unremarkable! It is like being hit with a slice of lemon wrapped around a ball of uncooked bread dough! We get "where are they now" screens!*
Tsubasa: Is super generically successful but still generically striving anyway!
Touma: Had tons of success as an action star, and later made his own hero movie! That brat from his sidequests is also starting a career!
Kiria: Has made the utter paradox of being both cool and cute internationally famous! "Kakkokawaii" is now a catchword, we swear! This is totally how international stardom works!
Ellie: Totally won a Best Actress (Oscar? They don't actually say) for that featureless film by Shitty Twist Director! She travels the world acting, but always comes back home to Japan! Because Japan is special!
Mamori: Got her own concert and started a ballad craze despite her unlikely microwave origins! Everyone thinks she's moe as shit!
Yashiro: Produced a new showing of the last opera his Daddy starrred in before he died, to international success! He's still fucking training!
Barry: Decided to get a life after Itsuki "persuaded" him to leave Japan! His former metal bandmates tried to resurrect the band ("Teradeth"), but he made them play shitty anime covers instead!
Tiki: Held a concert back home! With Itsuki's song, she inspired the whole audience to write something better!
Maiko: Went back to her modeling career for some reason! It's super successful, we swear!
*Wait, what? To the office!*
Maiko: Got a minute?
Itsuki: Sure? What else do I have?
Maiko: Good, because I'm having a meeting as soon as everyone gets here.
*Everyone gets here!*
Ellie: What fresh deviltry is this?
Tsubasa: Is something wrong?
Maiko: I'm making an announcement. I'm gonna go be a model!
Everyone: THE FUCK
Touma: What the hell have you been drinking this time?!
Maiko: Stop talking about me like I'm an alcoholic, sugar-britches, it's bad for my image. Or would you rather get a month of shit work~
Touma: I SAID NOTHING
Aya: Are you sure about this?
Maiko: Fuck yes. Your youthful energy has inspired me. So I'm gonna make someone else be the president!
Tsubasa: We're getting a new president?!
Maiko: IT'S ITSUKI
Itsuki: WHAT THE FUUUUUCK
Maiko: Being a high-schooler who runs a production company is an awesome plot hook, you'll be fine!
Itsuki: THAT'S NOT HOW REALITY WORKS
Maiko: What do you think, everyone?
Tsubasa: I'd work super hard under President Itsuki!
Maiko: Bwa ha ha, I just bet you would.
Tsubasa: I meant something much more innocent, I swear!
Touma: Sounds good to me, he's a bro.
Kiria: Fine by me.
Ellie: He does seem to be good at leadership. It's his talent. Christ knows he sure can't act or sing.
Mamori: I'd love it! He'd be so reassuring and so much less evil!
Yashiro: Sure, whatever.
Barry: You won't hear any complaints from me!
Itsuki: you're goddamn right we won't
Aya: Hahaha, I could get away with... I mean, I think this is a great idea!
Maiko: The tribe has spoken. Gonna flout peer pressure, kid?
Itsuki: Anime Jesus help me... I'll do it... Better to reign in Otaku Hell than... no... no, it really isn't...
Maiko: Excellent! Here, have a remarkably ugly suit. Welcome to the rebirth of Fortuna Entertainment! We know he's going to work his ass off to be supportive, so you support him right back, OK?
Tsubasa: Yep!
Kiria: Obviously.
Touma: Of course we will!
Yashiro: Acknowledged.
Ellie: Haha, trying to make me a success will be the easiest job ever!
Mamori: I'll do everything I can!
Barry: I'm going to have to train y'all even harder!
Itsuki: As soon as I figure out how, you're fucking fired! I mean, it might be troublesome until I figure out what the fuck I'm doing, assuming I do, but I'll do my best to live up to everyone's expectations, no matter how unreasonable! And you assholes are going to be right here with me! LET'S ENTERTAINMENT!
*One last title card!*
Itsuki: Eventually figured out what he was doing and led everyone to success! Totally due to being a Lord class! Fire Emblem mattered in this game, we promise!
*THE END*