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Mario Kart

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“FASTER! Fuck, fuck, fuck, JOOO-OOOE!” George screamed and outright shrieked as Toye leaned forwards in exertion, swearing even louder than Luz.

“YES! Take that, short-ass, pasta-eating, ugly fuckin’ shroom-chompin’ motherfucker!” Toye yelled over the general din as his kart passed Luz’s. They both passed the line for the third lap and their friends started screeching as the music sped up.

“BEAT HIS ASS, LUZ, HE INSULTED MARIO-” Perconte roared and Liebgott jumped up, shoving him.

“Fuck Perconte, Mario fuckin’ sucks! Show em’ who really matters, Joe, win with our girl Peach!” Lieb countered and Bill cheered his approval as Web began to argue over his shoulder from where he was standing by Luz, all jerking their Wii remotes around.

“You're not even gonna cheer me on?” David asked and Lieb laughed bitterly.

“Hell no! Toad sucks even more than Mario!” he laughed and hi fived Bill. “Besides, you're in dead last, sweetheart. I cheer for the winning team.” he countered and Web gave an outraged huff as he desperately got into 11th. Luz and Toye were neck and neck in 1st and 2nd, the numbers switching between them constantly.

“Get ‘im, Luzzy!” Perconte hollered as Luz shouldered his boyfriend, causing Peach to spiral off Rainbow Road.

“FUCK YOU!” Toye screamed and pushed George back, who stumbled but didn't lose 1st. “Do it again and I swear to God, call Doc Roe right now because I'm gonna shove that remote up your ass, unlubed, try me.” He snarled and Luz let out a victory cackle as the finish line came into view on his part of the screen.

“GO GO GO-” Perconte cheered, jumping up and down and fist pumping the air as Luz crossed first and flung his arms in the air.

“YEAH!” They screamed at the same time as George whirled around and scooped Perconte up, whooping. Bill and Lieb swore as Toye crossed third and they all groaned in unison as the Dynamic Duo kept shoving it in their face. Web finished at a modest eighth and got a consolatory kiss from Liebgott.

“You were not as absolutely shitty as expected.” Lieb told him and David frowned.

“Alright, who’s next-” Toye started before the door banged open and a familiar voice announced the presence of another guest.

“HEY LOSERS, READY TO FACE THE MASTER?” Skip Muck called out loudly as he marched into the room, proudly decked in his Gameboy shirt (ever to dress for the occasion) and wielding his gold Wii remote. The guys gathered shouted their hellos as Muck gave an exaggerated bow.

“We’re doin’ teams if Skip’s gonna play.” Bill declared and the others nodded. “You're too good.” he said ominously.

“Cheat codes.” Webster hissed under his breath.

“We were doing tournament style, but fuck that since you're here. Uh… teams… me, you, Lieb, and a computer vs. everyone else.” Luz offered and vehement protest rose up before a voice shushed them.

“Okay! Shut the hell up! That's not gonna work for many reasons, one of which is because I invited another favorite couple-friend of yours.” Perconte said, gesturing at Luz and Toye. “Except the missus can't make it today for reasons.” he finished with a smile and everyone relaxed.

“Harry’s coming? Thought he had to take the kids to tryouts.” Toye mused and Perconte shook his head, a slow grin spreading across his face.

“He's already agreed to be on my team against Muck.” he said and realization crossed Muck’s face.

“You didn't!” he cried and Frank cackled.

“The only man besides our dear George Luz’s dumb luck to ever beat you at Mario Kart. I invited Speirs.” Perconte said gleefully and the room groaned.

“I wanted at least a slim chance at winning!” Toye complained and the door opened again as if on demand, and Speirs walked into the room, grinning at the group gathered.

“Hello, hello, Tiny invited me.” he said, jerking a head at Perconte who was grinning smugly. Speirs got out a wad of cash and waved it. “Since Carwood couldn't make it, he said to split $100 on him with the winning team.”

The room was quiet before a cacophony of voices rose up to claim a spot on his team. “Ah ah ah! I'm picking teams!” he called and Bill huffed.

“Better make it even, Sparky!” he announced as Wii remotes in every color were passed around. Everyone jostled backwards into a line as Speirs got the classy transparent Player 1 remote. Continuing down the line was George, the Joe's, David, Bill, Frank, and Skip. There was almost ritualistic arguing over characters and kart designs, but soon enough the boys had all adopted their alter egos as Lakitu, Mario, Peach, Daisy, Toad, Bowser, Luigi, and Rosalina. Shy Guy, Luz’s mii, Lemmy and Yoshi were chosen as the computers, and Speirs pulled up the team select. He gave a critical look around the room.

“I want Luz, Perco, Lieb, Shy Guy and Yoshi. The rest of you ingrates are against us.” he declared and there was outcry.

“I see, pit the shittier player out of the couples against you!” David said indignantly. “You better fucking help us.” he aimed at Muck.

“Down to business. 150cc, three races, and mirror mode because this is a game of skill, men. Bowser’s Castle, Cheep Cheep Beach, and Mount Wario. Any arguments against this?” Speirs said and there were murmurs of approval. It was go time. “Good. See you motherfuckers eating my dust.” he added gleefully and pressed start.

(It never mattered how many times Kitty or Faye intervened. Mario Kart nights at the Luz & Toye abode was always a hardcore experience of rather extreme loss of money, voices, and sanity.)

The very second the race began, the eight men began screaming, jostling each other and vocalizing every god damn possible thing that aggravated them.

It was mayhem.

Speirs easily took the lead with a cackle, Muck close behind him while everyone else was trying to fuck with each other and catch up. The pushing and shoving started around the second lap when somehow Webster (potentially the shittiest player apart from Nixon, who should under no circumstances be allowed to drive if Mario Kart reflected anything) Bullet Bill’d himself into fourth and then managed to force third place Bill Guarnere off the track into lava and blue shell Speirs and Muck. They both screamed a very long string of curses at him as he pulled a full out villain’s laugh and took first.

“HA! I told you I wasn't that terrible!”

“Shut the FUCK up, I swear to God if you beat me I'm not gonna blow you for weeks-”

“I'm gonna fuckin’ kill you, fuckin’ Harvard ass lucky ass shitty ass prentious ass ass, shovin’ me into lava-”

“Disable items next time, I swear to fucking Christ, only reason Luz ever beat me was cuz of that fucking whore mouth blue shell shit, here we go again-”

“I beat your ugly blonde ass because I'm good, beat my boyfriend, beat your mum probably, and now it's my time to beat Sparky, fuck ‘team playing,’ team my ass-”

“I'm the best player here, Luz, you fucking know it you ungrateful bitch, you're playing with a Kart god- I'm gonna wreck you so fucking hard Webster so help me-”

“Excuse me, Mr. Ronald Cheat Codes, only I get to call my boyfriend a bitch and we’re all gonna beat you I swear-”

“You're just jealous you ain't on this team! We’re gonna get some money, thank you sweet Carwood, and fuckin’ Luigi here is gonna get some god damn recognition round here-” Perconte tacked on the end of the karting psychobabble that was all happening at once. Speirs and Muck screeched at the same time as they regained first and second and sent Webster spiraling back off the course and into fifth.

“Fuck you!” he howled and held his remote threateningly over Guarnere’s head. “Don't think I won't do it!” he said as he was forced back even more into last. Webster didn't give a rat’s ass. It was shitty last-place power play time.

Skip forcibly shoved Frank in the side and he scowled, kicking Muck’s leg hard enough to make him drop his remote and swear as Speirs took first and everyone else passed him. Luz and Liebgott’s argument rose in pitch as they raced, and suddenly everyone was pummeled with a lightning at the worst possible time.

“God fucking damn it!” Guarnere yelled over Webster’s cackle of joy as he fell off the road, again, shrunken. The moment Perconte got moving again, a green shell hit him, and a computer pushed Toye into a banana, getting a loud threat of bloody murder in return. Speirs and the Muck zipped past, leading for an entire minute, and then-

“MOTHERFUCKER NOT AGAIN!” the two Kart Masters screamed as Webster’s blue shell hit them both and let Luz, Liebgott, and a random computer take the top three spots as lap 3 began. The music sped up and everyone started fighting again at the same time, the most cutting insults saved for the duo in the top 2. They overlapped Webster, who gladly tossed a red shell at Lieb, threw a Bob-Omb at Bill, and caused a general mess as they passed. Speirs stomped his foot as Muck overtook him again and took third, closing in on Liebgott and Luz.

“PERCONTE! Stop Muck!” Luz cried out and Frank shouldered him, sending him off the course as Luz took the clear lead, swearing up a storm as he took the shoves from Speirs and Toye with a hard stance and an elbow back. The Luz Victory Shriek returned as he crossed first, gaining a ruckus of anguished howls and death threats as he jumped up and down and jumped on Speir’s back, who had managed to reclaim second.

“In your fucking faces!” he screamed as Ron shook him off, the certified death level bitch face in full force. The race ended after a minute of uselessly waiting on Webster’s kart, and the first results appeared on screen. Speirs, Luz, Perconte, and Liebgott temporarily forgot their Olympic-level competitiveness and all ran together into a sort of man hug slash group chest bump.

Bill and Skip kicked at random people’s legs as the losing team made calls for the second round.

With renewed confidence, Cheat Code Speirs (as the others had quickly taken to screaming at him) took an easy lead with Muck close behind and it was tragically free from drama and upset all three laps, with Speirs’ team winning yet-a-fucking-gain. The only true change was Webster’s miraculous comeback into 11th place, beating out Computer 3. Liebgott called him a pathetic shithead and Luz started catcalling “HATE SEX! HATE SEX!” and got smacked in the head by a Wii remote.

The third race started when Luz stumbled into Speirs and declared he wasn't concussed with a loopy grin, off like a shot as the timer blared and the screaming began again. This time, when Speirs revealed his cheating ass and zapped off the map and into the far lead, everyone screeched at him and drove directly after him into the glitch spot, reappearing all over the place and leaving the computers (and Webster) in the dust.

“FINALLY FUCKIN’ CAUGHT YOU!” Muck yelled as he gained on Speirs, who swerved wildly to limit his drift boost. There's a cheer for Muck’s declaration and then what the fuck, Webster somehow caught up again and and manly shrieks fill the room as he explodes his way through the racers, bananas and shells and bombs flying everywhere as he seizes his chance, once again returning Bill to the off-roads along with Liebgott, Liebgott’s angered screams drowning out Bill’s Philly-fueled angst.

“If you beat me we’re gonna do some murder kink shit, we’re gonna use your fuckin’ Wii remote as a dildo and then I'll find another to beat you to death with, while the first is up your ass and it's gonna be the most un-fun BDSM we ever do!” Liebgott strangles out and Webster’s maniacal laugh terrifies even Speirs, who was recovering and shooting some very unfriendly words at Muck, whose vocabulary was down to “fuck!” and “FUCK” exclusively.

Up to this point, the pushing and shoving had remained for the most part mainly gentle until Bill got knocked off again and shoulder-checked David hard enough to make him stumble into Liebgott, who was caught off balance and fully fell into Toye, who was distracted and tripped into Luz, whose guard was down upon maintaining third place and ran into Speirs, who landed flat on his ass with the combined domino effect of four full grown men. A screaming match started and Webster tossed his Wii remote behind him as the others scrambled to recover into lap 2, tackling Guarnere and leveling everyone else until it was a tangle of frustrated, sweaty and swearing bodies in the most unsexy way possible. An admirable and successful team effort was made to destroy Webster’s hopes of a top ten place and remotes jerked all over the place for a signal as everyone tried to stand back up.

Speirs wound up on his knees, with Luz… balanced between him and Toye? Luz was lifted off the ground and pulling off some serious American Ninja Warrior shit wedged between them, Toye righted and standing in a borderline fight stance with the rest of the line normally sprawled around, save Perconte who had hopped onto Muck’s back. Everyone was yelling so loudly you couldn't even hear the game as the final lap started and buttons were smashed madly. It was no laughing matter as the finish line came in view and Toye pulled a from-behind sneak into fourth place and Muck pushed Speirs out of first.

There was a massive burst of cheers and elated din even as it appeared that Team Speirs won (fucking typical… Assholes) and even some crying eyes were wiped.

Liebgott passionately kissed Webster even though earlier he was threatening some pretty creative torture uses for the game controllers.

“You fucking suck ass but I love you.” he declared and a round of applause cropped up as somehow- somehow they all calmed down.

Speirs dished out the money and then locked eyes with Luz, who had a slow smile spreading across his face, in the freaky way Speirs knew he himself had taught him.

“Who wants to try it while drunk?” he announces and the resounding whoops and hollers were all he needed to know.