We didn’t know at the time, but this was our last tour together as a band. While we were performing the last song of the night my heart started to beat faster because of the reaction of the public. The reaction of the fans was always emotional, for all of us. The lights went of and we left the stage after thanking everyone for their presence.
I was exhausted, my legs were weak and there was no air left in me. We hugged backstage and made our ways out of the building to go to the usual ‘after party’. Yeah, even with all of us exhausted we were going to celebrate the success of the show. There was always an 'after party’ and we loved it. We usually get so drunk that we could barely walk.
On our way to the cars that were waiting for us right outside the door I remembered that it could be cold when we got out in the open. It was hot now, yes, but just because we were dancing like crazy onstage, but later, when our bodies calmed down, it would be cold for sure! So I stopped and told the girls that I would go back to get our jackets. They all agreed and went straight to the cars as I went back to the dressing room.
The place was upside down, as usual. With all the running around to change clothes there was no time to be organized. I grabbed the jackets I found, but it was missing one. I couldn’t find Kimberley’s jacket. I looked everywhere and when I was about to go find her and ask where her jacket was, she came into the dressing room and locked the door behind her.
- Kimba, babe. I was about to go find you… Where’s your jacket? I looked everywhere but I can’t find it. -
She started to come closer to me in silence, like she hadn’t heard a word of what I said.
- Kim?! - My voice came out in a tone of concern, it wasn't Kimba's style to be the silent one when directely talked to.
I started taking steps backwards while she continued coming in my direction, but soon I felt my back hit the table of mirrors and that made me stop moving away from her.
I continued watching her come closer to me, still in silence and looking at me with a grin in her mouth and what I recognized as seduction on her eyes.
- Kimba... Wake up! - I said as some kind of joke, but with a trembling voice. I wasn’t understanding what it was that she was doing. Why didn’t she respond me? What was that look in her eyes? What the hell is going on? I was taken off of my thoughts when I felt her hands firmly hold my hips. I shuddered with the touch. It wasn't like she never touched me like that but being alone with her looking at me like that was kind of new to me and way too exciting.
"What are you doing?" I thought. I felt my body heat up almost immediately to feel her hands on me. My eyes fixed on hers, scrolled down to her lips. She was smiling in an inviting way. I always wanted to kiss her, in fact, I had already kissed her. A lot! But this time I felt my body scream for hers in a desire almost uncontrollable that scared me at first.
Her hands traveled behind my back looking for the zipper of my dress which she started to open very slowly, passing the tips of her fingers through my skin. My breath got caught on my throat and the only sound made was my own gasp given the chills her touch caused in my body.
I watched her as she got her lips even closer to mine, but they took an opposite direction, going down to my neck. I could feel her hot breath against my skin and that made me want her even more. My body was already hot and burned in anticipation as I felt the hickeys and kisses she gave on my neck.
- Kimba… Please! - My voice came out trembling and in a lower tone because of my breathing that was already accelerated. With each touch she made me want her more.
When I could finally move my hands went directly to her hips, in need, pressing her against me.
- Shh, let me love you. - She said as she brought her lips directly to mine. Our lips collided in a urgent and intense kiss. My tongue traveling her mouth with desire.
The straps of my dress were already lied down on my shoulders which she took off quietly. Her hands traveled the sides of my body making my dress go down till my hips letting my breasts free.
Short sighs escaped me because of my excitement that had already taken my body completely. I felt light scratches on my back, which pleased me. My hands continued pressing her against me, keeping our bodies together.
- Kim… - I said again without knowing if I wanted to stop whatever it was that was happening at the moment or hurry it up to have her where I needed most.
She took off my dress completely, leaving me with only my panties and sat me at the table where I was leaning. Our lips parted quickly, but soon she kissed me while she took one of her hands till my centre which made me moan loudly. Surprise and desire took hold of me.
- I want you, Chez... - She said with her lips against mine. Again, I felt my body burn in desire to hear her. This was what I wanted the most, even without knowing, I always knew that I desired her in a sexual way. If that makes any sense. Lately, I saw her in a different light. Kimberley has always been the sexiest of the group and we all had fun with her butt, but after our last kiss my body started to ask for her and I was almost losing control over my actions. Hear her say that she wants me was like throwing alcohol on fire. My desire increased in a huge proportion making me burn with great pleasure.
My body shuddered from all that pleasure and much more with each of her touches and she made me groan. The sounds I was making wouldn't happen with anybody else but her. I took my hands from her hips and held on to the table while she took the last piece of clothing I still had on.
She looked at me with malice and my body twitched completely when I felt her hand in my centre.
- Argh… Kimberley! - I was wishing she would make me hers and hers only.
- Cheryl, I want to make you mine. - That was it! That was the last drop for me. I lost full control over my body letting it vulnerable for her. I inclined my head backwards biting my lips in excitement which left my chest totally free and for her taking.
She didn’t hesitated for a second and brought her lips to meet my breasts where she sucked hard, alternating between them.
Her hand were working quietly at my center at first, but, slowly, her movements took speed and strength, putting pressure where I needed it most.
Short groans escaped me and I whispered her name between sighs of pleasure. My body was in height of excitement which increased more and more by the minute.
I took one of my hands till her hair and held it tight against my breast. Her movements were fast and I could feel my body twitching with pleasure.
- Oooh, yeah… - I managed to say while I let my body relax and take the pleasure that was being given.
Kimberley looked at me smiling in pride for a brief moment and took her hand from my centre slowly. I kissed her once more and we stayed like that, looking at each other, smiling in a silly way. Soon enough, I realized that we were locked in here for too long and the girls were waiting for us.
I got up from the table, got dressed and went to the bathroom. When I left, Kimberley was with all the jackets in hand and we left towards the cars to join our other band mates.
I couldn’t wait to see the girls again. It had been years since we were all together in the same place. Nadine, Sarah, Kimberley and Nicola were already there, I was on my way when I stopped to buy a coffee. When I got there, I ran out of the car in a hurry and I went to the room where the girls were waiting for me.
As I entered I bumped into Nadine who received me with a hug. So tight that it was hard to breathe.
- My God, I missed you. - She said with a huge smile on her face. That unique smile that I love so much.
I took a deep breath and smiled in the same way. - I missed you too, you disappeared. - I turned away from her and still smiling greeted the other girls. Nicola almost killed me in a avalanche of kisses on the cheek which, of course, covered me in lipstick. Sarah ran and jumped around the room hugging me like a child who has only size. Typical of her.
As I approached Kimberley, I felt my heart tighten. I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face as if it were nothing. She hugged me and that was it… I felt my legs shaking and my heart pounding as if it were to come straight out of my chest and fall into her hands.
- I missed you, Chez. - She said with an other worldly smile. Kimberley has always had the most gorgeous smile in the world, at least for me.
- I missed you too, Kimberley. - Her smile faded. I didn’t called her “Kimba” and when that happens it's because I’m uncomfortable or disturbed with something. She always knew that. She always knew how to decipher my expressions, smiles, my words... Each with a different meaning.
We talked about the meeting to be held later this year, when we complete 10 years as a band. The conversation went well, except when my eyes met those of Kimberley and that weird and uncontrollabe discomfort took hold of me. My heart always quickened, every time I felt her eyes on me. It was like I was desperate, wishing that nothing had happened, but still wishing that it had because it was so wonderful. What I really wanted to change was her reaction afterward.
We left the dressing room holding hands, laughing and playing with each other. In the car, we sat side by side and exchanged glances, smiles and a bunch of goofy stuff as we used to do all the time. What had happened moments before still caused goosebumps all over my body, gave me a nice chill and made my palms sweat. Our kisses were so passionate, natural and our touches were so delicate, so lovely... I could barely contain myself.
We got to the location of the party still full of adrenaline. Sarah went to the bar pulling me with her and I, of course, pulled Kimberley with me, but she let go of my hand and went to the dance floor.
- Come on Chezz, I need a drink! -
I just laughed at the natural behavior of Sarah and followed her.
The night was fading, we were all drinking, having fun, messing around... Nothing unusual, except for Kimberley's behavior. She was fleeing from my touches, my company, my looks... Everything. She acted as if she didn’t knew me as well as she did and, even worse, as if nothing had happened between us just a few hours earlier.
The night ended like that, Kimberley in a deathly silence and me deeply hurt.
"Did she regret it?" A tear ran down my face. My heart twisted in my chest as if trying to escape this feeling. I slept in tears, wishing it was nothing, that her behavior didn’t mean remorse.
I slept longing for her touch, her company and the warmth of her skin.
End of Flashback
That night my heart was broken and her behavior was like stepping on it, already torn and smashed on the ground.
- I want tea. - I said, already standing up in the middle of the conversation about new songs for the tour. - Does anyone want one? - I only asked out of courtesy. What I really wanted was to get out of that room, get away from her.
Kimberley stood up and said he would go get some with me.
"Shit." I thought, while I took a deep breath.'q
Nicola looked at me apprehensively, but I ignored it and went towards the kitchen anyways. Yes, I told what happened to Nicola. I had to tell! She is like a sister to me and keep it a secret was killing me inside. I blurted out to her a week after it happened and she was completely understanding, as always. My little ray of sunshine!
Silence fell upon us as Kimberley came into the kitchen after me and shut the door, locking it. It was an uncomfortable silence, strange at least. After that night, this was the first time we were alone, just the two of us. I wanted to confront her, let the hurt in my chest fade away and finally ask why… Why did she behave like that? Why she ran from me after what had happened? Why she was never the same with me? Was it that bad?
She was so sorry for what had happened that she would let our friendship just... die? Friendship which, I needed all these years. Friendship which I was missing in my life.
I was taken out of my thoughts by a weak voice and of course it was her.
- Cheryl … - I could feel that she was closer, but I didn’t dare turnning around to look at her.
- Look at me, please. - My heart was pounding. One of her hands went up to my waist which gave me chills. She placed her other hand on the other side of my body and pulled me so that I leaned my hip on the counter and stayed in front of me. I kept my eyes down and my face turned in the opposite direction.
- Cheryl, please … - The tone of her voice was trembling making me freeze. I never liked that tone. As Kimberley could read me like an open book, I could read her and this tone was of regret. Of pain, even!
Tears formed in my eyes, but I fought with all my strength and prevented them from falling. Slowly, I looked at her and her eyes were just as teary. Our faces were inches apart, I could feel her breath against my skin causing me an urge to kiss her, feel the gentle touch of her lips against mine once more. It had been so long...
- I’m sorry. - Her voice was a little whisper, and tears ran down her face. Seeing her cry made me ill, my heart ache, but, like her, I was also injured in our little war of whims.
- For what Kimberley? - I tried to keep an authoritarian and natural voice, but failed shamefully dropping just a trembling whisper.
One of her hands went up to my face. Her touch made me break, shiver, chills went up my spine. I closed my eyes and our foreheads touched. At this point my tears also streamed down my face.
- For turning away from you and leaving you for so long. - Out of nowhere, her voice was strong and present. I lifted my face trying desperately to stop crying and show myself as strong, intact. I didn’t want to and I would not show her how hurt I was, how much I missed her. How much I love her.
Her eyes met mine and I could see genuine regret turned into tears in them. A massive confusion came over me immediately… Why now? We spent three years in this painful state of abandonment from each other, in this mess that hurts me so much it's almost too hard to breathe, in this cold and total distance… Why would she only regret it now? Why didn't she come to me before and saved me from feeling all this pain?
- Say something … - She begged and pushed a lock of hair from my face.
- Why now? - The words left on an impulse and I regretted them immediately. Do I even want to know? What if she’s just saying all of this because she feels alone and lost? Like she left me feeling that night so many years ago. What if this sorrow that she says she feels came out of pure selfishness? After all, she managed to move on with her life pretty well without me for three years...
She took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. It had a special glow in them, that same glow I saw when we kissed backstage in the dressing room... I was breathless for a second.
- Because since that day it all happened, I feel a lump in my chest and it hurts like hell, but I was afraid to talk to you about it and realize you might not feel the same way... Each piece of me is begging for you. Please Chezz… I’m so sorry. -
- WHY THE HELL IS THIS DOOR LOCKED? - Sarah’s voice was loud, very loud, as it always was. - Gurls, we need you, you’re part of the band, remember? -
I walked away from Kimberley like a guilty child who was caught in a sinful act by it's parents. Almost running, I went to the door, opened it and ran out right away. My head held down to avoid the suspicious look that certainly was in Sarah’s face. Kimberley then quickly passed me and sat with the rest of the girls as if nothing had happened and I did the same.
The only person besides us that knew about what had happened that night was Nicola, but the suspicion was present in the eyes of Sarah and Nadine as well, who were always trying to make us confess something somehow. Playing with words or trying to get a confession when we were distracted. They all knew something more was going on between Kimberley and I.
The day passed by slowly, too slowly. It felt like someone was holding back the hours. We discussed all that was needed: the name of the new album, the name of the tour and we even thought of some choreography for some of the new songs, but every time my name was formed on Kimberley’s mouth, my heart skipped a beat.
It felt good to finally get home, it was a long day and I was so, so tired.
My dogs were sleeping already and although I wanted to cuddle them and finally feel some sense of normalty, they were too cute for me to dare to wake them up so I just smiled at them and walked away.
I climbed the stairs holding onto the railing, my body was heavy and was difficult to keep my eyes open. I don't know if I was so tired because the day was ridiculously long, because I’m working hard to promote my solo career or because of what happened earlier between Kimberley and me but, whatever it was, I most definitely was done for the day.
That night, in the dressing room... Love marks... Moaning her name, loving her, making love to her...
I just want her back. I want my Kimba back, I want to be able to call her in the middle of the night just to hear her voice, to say goodnight. I want to be able to tell her that even though she abandoned me, I still love her. Maybe even more than I did before. I want her body next to mine in bed, I want to go to sleep holding her in my arms like I did many times before, I just… I love her so much and it hurts like hell to have to pretend that I don’t. I just want to hear her say my name, ask for a hug or just jump on me like she did many times before, but everything is different now, everything changed. It always does.
At this point I was already lying in my bed, thinking about a Kimberley that no longer existed for me.
- What now? - I whisper into the darkness out of annoyance while I look for my phone somewhere in my pockets. When I finally find it and bring it closer to my face so I can see it better, my heart races.
- Hello. - Breathe, Cheryl.
- Hi bab… Chezz, hi. - My heart breaks as I notice she hesitates to call me babe. She used to call me like that every single day. Hearing her call me Chezz, even though it’s a nickname, sounds wrong. It’s like calling your mom by her name and not mom. I blink the tears away, trying to clean my throat so she won’t notice how much it hurts to hear her voice, to hear it and feel her so close while all that she is is abcent.
- Hi, what do you want Kimberley? - Short and bitter but, there I go again, wishing an answer she would never give: you.
- Can we talk?… Were you sleeping? - Her voice trembles and I start to get a little bit worried about her. Even if it has been years, she hasn't changed that much. Or so it seams to me.
- Was going to. What’s wrong? Did something happened? -
- No, nthing happened. I just wanted to talk to you. Can I come over? - I blink.
- Sure. - I breathe.
- Ok, I’ll be there soon. - My heart drops.
I had no idea of what to do with myself. At all! Should I change clothes? Should I take a shower? Should I redo my makeup? Or should I just lay here and don’t even bother myself? I mean, it's not like she hasn't seen me worn out and tired before... It feels like forever though, since she last saw me like this.
It’s funny how our relationship changed. I used to be so comfortable around her and now I worry about every single thing. By the way, does my hair look good? I tie it in a high ponytail letting my curls fall down my neck and lay back down onto my bed.
Sooner than I expected, I hear someone knocking on the front door and, at the same time, I receive a text message.
I’m here. xx, K
Ok, just a sec. x
I jump out of bed and run downstairs. As I open the door another text arrives.
Hey, I miss you. xx
My eyes open wildly when I see who’s from.
What is wrong with people? Why do they like to play me like I’m some kind of toy? Why the hell does everyone I ever loved leaves me and than came back saying that they are sorry? That they miss me? Why??? Do I look like someone that likes to get hurt? Do I look like I like to be everyone’s second choice?
- God Cheryl, why do you look so chocked? It’s not like I’ve never came to your house before… - I look at her and shake my head.
- It’s not that… Come in. - She passes by me and I close the door behind her, locking it as fast as I can.
- What is it then? You’re pale. - I can hear concern mixed in her voice and I kinda of like it. It makes me think that she still cares about me.
- Erm… Nothing. Just a text. - I try to make my voice sound cool and normal but I fail miserably. I always do when it comes to trying to lie when she's the one asking.
- Who’s it from? -
- Ash. - His name sounds weird coming out of my mouth. I haven’t talked about him for so long that it seems as if it’s the first time I ever did.
- Ash as in Ashley? What does he want? - She sounds a little bit jealous and maybe even angry but it must be just because that’s what I want her to feel. There's no way she would even care enough to actually be bothered by it.
- Yes. Ash as in Ashley. Jesus, Kimberley, I don’t even know what he wants yet... He just said he misses me, that's all. - I throw the phone at the couch and start walking towards the kitchen.
- Of course he misses you now that he’s all alone! - Right. Now she’s just throwing the fact that he just wants me when he doesn’t have sluts around at my face. Great.
- Yeah, because I’m not worth missing just for the sake of it, right? - My voice sounds rude and I don’t care. knowing that I’m his second choice still hurts, still makes me think that I'm never good enough. I know it’s all in the past now, but it never stopped hurting.
- That’s not what I meant… -
- Whatever. Do you want something to drink? - I try to change the subject and stop thinking about it, but it seems like someone is not understanding that…
- Seriously Chezz, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, I just… I don’t like him very much and neither should you. - I look at her now. I want to slap her in the face. I’ve never wanted to do that to her before but, right now, that’s exactly what I want to do.
- Who said I like him? Jesus Kimberley, shut up about it. - I walk towards the fridge and open it searching for something good to drink.
- Okay, sorry. -
- Stop saying you’re sorry too, it’s loosing it’s effect. - I grab a bottle of some kind of vodka. I’m not a drinker so I don’t really know which type it is. It looks good though.
Kimberley stays quiet, as if she’s afraid to say something it might bother me again so I grab two cups and put it on the table. I serve them and walk towards Kimberley.
- Here, I don’t know exactly what it is but it’s what I have. - She grabs the cup and smiles politely at me.
A few minutes go by and it feels like hours. We were quiet and the silence was slightly uncomfortable so when I can't take anymore of if I breathe, almost regreting of what I was about to say but I saying it anyways.
- So, what did you want to talk about? - I ask as I sit across her.
- I want to finish what I was saying at the reunion, before Sarah came and ruined it. -
I was nervous. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of hearing excuses. I’m tired of being the one who always gets hurt. I’m so tired of all this bullshit.
- What else do you have to say? - I found myself a bit scared of what she might answer. I know I’m the one pretending not to love her, but what should I do? Give myself to her without knowing what she truly wants with me? I don’t think so. Last time I did that, she broke my heart and never talked about it, pretended that nothing had happened and went on to live her life without ever contacting me again.
- That I love you. I love you too much to let you go. I know it might be hard for you to believe me but I miss you so much Chez... - She got up from where she was sitting and started walking towards me. - I miss our friendship, I miss the smell of your bare skin, I miss the taste of your lips… - She was now passing her fingers on my lips, sending goosebumps thru my spine. - I miss seeing you smile at me from across the room, I miss everything about you, Cheryl. I miss you and I love you. Please, forgive me for acting like an idiot that night. I’m sorry for acting like nothing had happened. I was scared of what I was feeling so I ran from it. I acted like an idiot but I want to redeem myself... If you'll let me. - One of her hands was stroking my hair and she looked me in the eye. She knows that I always look at a person’s eyes to see if they’re telling me the truth and I saw it. Running down her face, the truth, freely taking form in her tears.
I didn’t know what to say. I was shocked about what I just heard. It’s not the first time she says she loves me but it feels so real this time. Not that it wasn’t many times before but it seems different now. It seems that she loves me the way I love her. Like a woman, like a lover, like you love the person you wanna marry and spend the rest of your life with. Like I loved him.
- I love you too. - It was all that I could say. I had lost my power of making words work.
I close my eyes and feel that she’s getting closer. I feel her breath on my skin, I can smell her perfume. Sweet and light as the morning sky. But I’m not ready, I’m not. I don’t forgive her, not completely. This is wrong, I don’t feel like we are fine now. We’re better and I want to be close to her again, I don’t want her to leave but I also don’t feel like kissing her is the right thing to do. It’s wrong, at least for now.
- I’m really tired… - I whisper and open my eyes to look at her.
- Oh… Ok. You go to bed then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. - She’s already grabing her purse and mobile while talking so I get up and walk towards her as fast as I can.
- No, wait. Don’t go, please. - I grab her hand tightly.
- Why do you always look at me like that? You know I can’t say no to these puppy eyes… - We share a smile and I start walking towards the stairs, bringing her with me.
Once we’re in the room I feel goosebumps thru my whole body. The nervousness of being alone in yet another room with her after so long...
It’s funny how I get all these reactions now. I can’t stop comparing how we were to how we are now. So much has changed between us.
- Will you sleep with me tonight? - I ask quietly, smiling a bit.
- Sure babe. - She smiles too and I can’t help but feel butterflies in my stomach. She’s calling me babe again and that makes me think we might still have a chance with this, whatever this is.
- Yay. - I do a little dance celebration on the spot and grab a t-shirt. I throw it on the bed. - I don’t have any extra pajamas, sorry pet. -
- No problem. - She says simply and starts to undress herself.
I can’t help but stare. Her body is so perfect, her curves draw her lines making it look like a map. A map to heaven, to a safe place, to my safe place.
I’m taken of off my toughts when she puts on the big sized t-shirt. Too big on her torso but almost tight on her hips. I realize that I’m staring for far too long and when I look at her face, she’s looking at me. She shakes her head and lays down on the bed almost laughing.
- What? I was just checking to see if the shirt would fit. You have a big bum you know… -
I blushed violently and turned around hoping she wouldn’t notice.
- Yeah, you’re always checking my bum, I know… -
- Shut up. - I blush even more and smile to myself. I undress myself and put on my pajamas. Fast, trying to not be semi naked in front of Kimberley. For some reason, I was slightly embaressed to show my body to her. Even though I changed as fast as I could, I could still feel her eyes almost burning my bare skin. I ran to the bed and layed down next to her. Not too close, but close enough to feel her smell. She smelt good, just like I remembered and dreamed about. I take a deep breath and look at her smiling.
- It’s been a while since we last slept together. - My voice is just a whisper. She comes closer to me and puts her arms around my hips, holding me tight, closer.
- I know. It’s been too long, I missed you. - She kisses my forhead and smiles. That gorgeous big smile she used to have all the time, before all this mess got started.
I closed my eyes and layed my head on her chest. - I missed you too, Kimba. -
We stayed quiet for a pioriod of time and I was almost asleep when I heard Kimberley’s voice, very low as to not disturb me.
- I love you Cheryl. I love you more than I ever loved anyone before. - Sleep took over me and in the darkness everything seamed so bright.
We were lying on her bed, her head on my chest, my arms around her waist and our bodies heat becoming one. I was so happy to be with her again. Her skin is so soft, just as I remembered. Her smell, she smells of rosebuds. God, I love her so much.
I don’t understand how I could stay away from her for so long. How could I hurt her like that. I was so scared of what I was feeling that I forgot she probably was scared too. She was scared but she didn’t act like we were nothing, I did that. Oh God, I acted like I didn’t knew the woman I love, the only one I knew I could rely on. The only person that just wanted to see me smile and make me forget the world. How could I hurt the most perfect person I’ve ever knew? I understand why she didn’t forgive me yet, I didn’t forgive myself either and I don’t know if I ever will.
- CHEEEEEEZZA!!! WAKE UP ALREADY! -
I jumped out of bed in one move.
God, what the hell was that? I breathed and looked down at Kimberley who was still sleeping and then I heard it again…
- For God’s sake, I’m gonna kill you Cheryl - With that, I recieved a text.
From Lilly: I’m at your door and if you’re not wake I’m gonna kill you myself. WAKE UP!!! -
- Oh. My. God. I totally forgot… -
- What’s going on? Why is everyone screaming? - I looked at Kimberley and freaked out. What is Lilly going to think? What I am gonna say to her? How can I explain why Kimberley is here at 8 am? Bright and shiny as the morning itself. Oh my God, I’m screwed.
- Cheryl? What’s happening? - Kimberley said, slower this time.
- Nothing, it’s just Lilly. I have a photoshoot now. Like, right now but I totally forgot about it. I should be there already… Oh God, Lilly is going to kill me and what about you? What am I going to say to her? Oh my God… -
- Cheryl, calm down. Relax babe, she knows we're friends doesn’t she? - Kimberley was now out of bed and standing beside me, passing the tips of her fingers on my arm.
- We’re not just friends, she’s going to find out, she is totally gonna realize something is happening… - I was losing my mind completely.
- Ok, calm down. You’re not thinking straight, babe. - I put on the first sweatpants I saw and ran out of the bedroom. Kimberley followed me.
I stopped at the door and looked at her. - Ok, you stay here ok? You can have the keys again but I want it back, it’s the only one I have now. - I handed her the key for the front door and as I was opening the door, she held my arm.
- Wait… - She pulled me in and gave a peck on my lips.
Boundaries crossed. I wasn’t ready to kiss her, was I?
- Cheryl what the hell are you doing? Hurry up. - I was so late and had so many things going on my mind that I just smiled at Kimberley and ran out of the house.
- Calm down, I’m here. Jeez… -
- Calm down? I’m here since 7am. What the hell were you doing that you didn’t heard your phone ring or the door bell or my texts arriving? - We were inside the car now and I was not in the mood for speeches.
- I was sleeping ok? Normal people sleep, you know… -
- Yeah I know, but normal people also fulfill their responsibilities. And I still don’t understand how you didn’t heard me yelling your name from the top of my lungs. -
- I’m a heavy sleeper. -
- Since when? -
- Since today, ok? God, I’m here already, calm down woman. - Lilly stayed quiet the rest of the way and I kept on thinking about that simple kiss that was anything but simple in my head.
I missed the taste of her lips so much, the sweet taste mixed with something hot, sexy that I was glad she had done it but I was also confused as to why she did it. We didn't talk all that much about how we are now that she apologized or how we're gonna move foward with whatever it is we have between us so the kiss was a quick step into the mess we hadn't had a chance to even start to clean up yet...
The day couldn’t went by slower than it did but, finally, I was at home. I was at the door looking thru my things to find my keys for about 10 minutes now and then I remembered.
- I can’t believe it… -
I caught my phone and started to write a text message.
To Kimberley: Hey, you’re with my keys? I’m at my house but can’t get in. xx
I was exausted. Starting the day with that big scare wasn’t nice at all and the photoshoot was just ridiculous. Why did I had to use such high heels? I don’t get it. I mean, I do but I don’t or whatever.
Hey babe, they’re under the carpet. haha Old style. Btw, how was your day? xxx
Before texting back, I looked for the keys.
Once I found them, I openeded the door as soon as I could. I was so tired that my legs were actually hurting. Also, my feet were killing me.
Exhausting. Yours? xx
Coco and Buster were barking like crazy as they usually do when I spend the day out but I didn't have much energy to spend with them so I sat down on the sofa and let them run and make a mess around me and, of course, all over me giving them a pet here and there.
- Sorry babies, mommy is too tired to play around... - I could almost hear them saying “you’re always too tired to play with us.” It made me feel guilty. I forgot when was the last time I didn’t came home feeling almost dead.
My room was a mess, like always but I wasn’t going to clean it up now. I just went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I took my clothes off and started showering, trying to keep calm and relax a little bit.
I closed my eyes and started to remember how my life used to be. It was good, Ashley was a good guy even though he did what he did, I still think he’s a good guy. I remember when Kimberley called me to tell me what was going on, she was so sweet and protective. Her voice was like a melody, has always been and it still is. I love the tone of her voice, it’s so delicate, so heavenly. At least to me. I love her smile as well. Her lips... Her lips taste like paradise, the whole world stops when I taste her lips on mine. The world stopped this morning and I lost myself to her, again. I don’t know how she does that to me but everytime she’s around, everytime she looks at me, everytime we talk I loose myself to her without even realizing it.
I love her almost too much and I wish she was here with me again. I didn’t told her but I heard her last night when she probably thought I was sleeping and I love her just as much as she loves me. I love her more then I ever loved before. I love her more than I loved Ashley, if that’s possible. I just wish everything was different, I wish she didn’t hurt me like that. It still hurts. I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting if I'm being honest... I don’t know why it hurted so much though. Maybe because out of everyone in the world, she was the last person I expected it would do such a thing. I never thought she would act like she didn’t even knew me, not her, not my Kimba. The girl I always loved, as a friend, as a confident, as a partner, as everything I need.
I squeezed my eyes and turned off the shower. My mind still going crazy about Kimberley while I dry myself…
It still hurts but should I act like this? Like I don’t need her anymore or don’t love her anymore… Am I hurting her? Probably... Right?! I shouldn’t though, I shouldn’t hurt the woman I love, not her. I probably should talk about this with her. Tell her that I forgive her completely and that I still love her, that I never stopped loving her... Yeah, I should definitely call her.
I grabed my phone and saw a text message.
- Oh, shit… - I said under my breath.
It wasn’t good at all. I wish I had spent the day with you, it would be a lot better. ;)x
I smiled with her reply and started texting back right away.
pWant to spend the night again? xx
Sure. Coming. :Dx
Ok, see you soon, beautiful. xx
My smile was evident. This woman has so much power over me it’s unbelievable. I only had time to dress myself with a white, short nightdress that let the tattoo on my thigh clear to be seen and, as I was with red lengerie, the nightdress became a bit transparent but it was way too confortable to become a problem at this point.
I’m here. xxx
Ok, just a sec. xxx
You always say that. haha
I laughed at her reply and opened the door still smiling.
- Hm… It’s always nice to be welcomed with that perfect smile - She smiled too.
I grabed her hand and locked the door behind her.
- Why do you always lock the door? -
- Because the house is too big for me to hear everything so, if someone wants to come in, they’ll have to knock. - I blink at her and start walking towards the sofa. I sat there, on the same spot as when I came in and watched as Kimberley walked towards me, sitting by my side.
-You’re so smart. - She said still smiling. My eyes were fixed on her lips. I wanted to kiss her so much I was almost loosing crontol of my actions.
- I know. - I said in a low tone, not even realizing what I was agreeing with.
- Chez, stop… Cheryl! - She took my face in one of her hands an made me look straight at her eyes.
- What? -
- Stop staring at my lips, it’s too tempting. -
- What’s stoping you? - I murmured.
- I thought you weren’t ready… -
- Just kiss me Kimberley. -
And so she did. Our lips met once more after such a long time, bringing back our good memories, the taste of her lips that didn’t change at all, everything felt natural. It didn’t seam like 3 years had gone by at all, it seamed like it was 3 minutes, not even that.
Our mouths fit together perfectly, like it were made for one another. The kiss was passionate, intense, almost too much to bear. Our tongues seamed to be fighting a battle and, at the same time, dancing in sync.
My heart was beating fast, my hands were sweating, I was feeling what love is again.
My hands were squeezing her thighs. I moved them till her waist and pulled her closer. Her hands were on my face, stroking it so delicately I almost couldn’t feel a thing.
She bit my lips and the kiss ended with baby kisses as we shared a smile.
- I missed that. - She said in an undertone.
- Me too. - I gave a peck on her lips and looked at her, still smiling. - I love you. You know that, right?! -
Her expression lighted up and she smiled. The most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.
- I love you too. Almost too much to put into words. - She replied.
- I know and that’s the reason why I forgive you. For everything. - I took a deep breath.
- You sure? - She said in hushed tones.
- Of course I am. I wouldn’t say I forgive you if I wasn’t sure, pet. -
- Well, I don’t forgive myself... - Wait, what?.
Hear her saying that broke my heart. I had no idea she felt so guilty and no clue of how to help her see the real Kimberley, the Kim I realized I could still see in her. The one that makes mistakes but feels genuinely sorry about it and never does the same thing again.
- Why? Why you don’t forgive yourself Kimba? -
She smiled when she realized I called her Kimba and that made me smile too.
- Because I broke your heart once. -
- Yes... But you also mended it. - I pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear and ran my fingers along her jaw as I spoke. - You made me feel like shit but now you make me happy again. - I was smiling, trying to make her smile with me so I could see my beautiful Kim being the happy, bubbly person she has always been. - Everyone makes mistakes, it's a part of who all of us are as humans and you know that babe. -
- I know, I know… - She looked me in the eye. - But I love you so much Cheryl that everytime I remember what I did I feel like the worst person alive. It makes me hate myself and it has been like that for the past three years. - A tear ran down her face and I could feel my own eyes beginning to tear up with her confession.
- Kim, I love you. I really love you. I can not imagine what my life would be without you, babe. I want you to know that no matter what, I’ll always love you. You make me feel happy, you have been the reason for my happiness for longer than I can remeber... What happened three years ago stays where it belongs, in the past. What really matters is what happens right now and right now, I couldn’t be happier and you’re the reason for it just as you had always been before. For me, that's it. Happiness is possible for me when I'm with you. Only you. -
- Really? Am I really the reason for your happiness? Even after what I’ve done to you? - Our eyes were fixed and I couldn’t help but smile.
- Yes, babe. You’re my smile and I’ve been through worse, you know that. -
She grabbed my hand and smiled, still looking right at me.
- I know babe, you’re so strong I can't even understand how that's possible coming from such a small person with small little tinny hands... -
- Okay now... Enough with how small my hands are! Can we be fine now? Can we move on from the past that hunts us? -
- I guess so… I hope! I’ll never hurt you again Chezz, I promise you that. -
I leaned in for a tight hug, closing my eyes as our bodies meet.
- I know you won’t, I know babe. -
- I love you so much it’s unreal. - She softly kissed my shoulder.
- I love you too, pet. - We parted from the hug and shared a smile. - Should we go to sleep now? I’m really tired. -
- Of course. - She agreed, still smiling like a little kid.
We went to the room holding hands and giggling at each other, talking nosense.
Kimberley grabbed the same big sized shirt she slept in last night and put it over her head, letting the shirt make it’s way down her body.
- You look hot. - I said, already lying down onto my bed.
- You look hotter. - She replied while joining me.
I smiled at her and with one of my hands, I pulled her closer to me.
We kissed softly and with a last goodnight kiss, she said. - Sleep well, my love. -
- You too babe, I love you. -
- I love you too. -
We fell asleep with our bodies glued. I could hear the sound of her heartbeat and couldn’t ask for a better lullaby.
I woke up feeling soft kisses on my collarbones. Slowly openning my eyes to see Kimberley smiling at me.
- Good morning, sleeping beauty. -
I smiled back at her and squeezed my eyes. - Good morning love, what time is it? -
She gave me a peck on the lips and, with our lips still pressing against each other, she muttered. - Around 7. -
I stretched my body under hers. - Argh, it’s way too early, what you doing awake? - I said smiling at her.
- My phone rang. - She got up from the bed and before I could ask who it was and said; - Want some breakfast? -
- Sure babe, I’ll be down in a sec. - She smiled and made her way to the kitchen downstairs.
I soon forgot about the phone call she recieved and got up from my bed.
If it was important, she would tell me.
I put a sweatshirt on top of the nightdress I had slept on and went downstairs to meet Kimberley. She wasn’t in the kitchen but the table was set. I got a bit confused but sat there anyways. I was drinking tea when I felt her hands meet my waist.
- Hey, finally. I thought you had slept again. - She giggled and sat beside me.
- No babe, I’m just lazy. - I giggled with her. - Where were you? -
- On the phone… How’s the breakfast? - She was now looking into her cup of tea.
- Delicious. - I looked at her smiling. - Who were you talking to? It’s way too early to work Kim. -
- It wasn’t work babe, I was just chatting with a friend of mine. -
- Good. - I giggled again and she did the same.
The day went by very quickly. It was 7pm already, Kimberley and I were sat on the sofa, cuddling each other.
- I wish our days were like this forever. All of them. - She said.
- Me too babe. It feels so good to spend the day with you and not worry about the world outside this house. - I felt her kiss my forhead and smiled.
- I know, it would be awesome babe but, unfortunately, we have a lot to do tomorrow. -
- Oh, don’t even remind me of that. This comeback is killing me. -
- I can imagine babe, you were on tour just weeks ago. Aren’t you sick of stages already? -
- Never. - I looked at her to see her smiling at me and I smiled too. - Why? Are you? -
- No, not really. - We laughed and I returned to lie my head on her chest.
We were silent for a couple of minutes and it felt good. We didn’t need to say anything. Just the sound of us breathing was enough. I felt the world stop, like there’s was nothing else but us. It felt good to be like this, to be able to feel like we were never apart.
Everything inside me felt good again. I was happy and that was what really mattered. I could feel that our relationship was back to normal again. We were never this close though, like, we’ve always been close friends but now we were girlfriends and that was new. She didn’t really ask me to be her girlfriend and neither did I but there was no need to ask, we were together as it should have always been. I’m hers and she’s mine, it's pretty simple. No other feeling was better than this, nothing is better than having the woman I love beside me.
I opened my eyes slowly and looked at my watch. It marked 10 o'clock.
- Jeez. - I said in a low tune.
Kimberley slowly opened her eyes and looked at me. - What? -
- Nothing babe, go back to sleep. - I gave a peck on her lips.
- What time is it Chez? - Her voice was still sleepy.
- 10 o'clock babe. -
- Shit. It’s late… - She sat up on the sofa and I did the same, sitting in front of her.
- I know, I didn’t see the time pass… Totally your fault. -
She made a surprised expression. - Mine? What did I do? - We giggled and I pulled her body closer to mine.
- Time stops when I’m with you. -
I kissed her softly, letting our mouths fit together.
After a few seconds, the kiss became intense, deep. Our tongues meeting in a glorious way.
I could feel my body starting to heat up and little goosebumps were running all over my skin.
Kimberley’s nails were digging into my waist, her touch was firm, strong. I liked that, I really did.
Our bodies met. Me on top, our lips never apart, our tongues dancing together. My heavy breathing, her heart racing.
One of my hands was being used as support for my body and the other was on one of Kimberley’s thighs. I could feel her heavy breathing into my mouth, almost like she wanted to follow me into the bliss of losing control... I stopped the kiss and my lips met her neck.
She squirmed, I smiled, I bit her.
I passed my fingers upon the fabric of her underwear, she moaned in a whisper. My body already hot, in desperate need to please her.
- Cheryl, please babe… - She muttered.
I could feel how much she wanted it, but I wasn’t going to give it to her that easily.
- What? What do you want? -
I said while kissing her neck, my lips pressed on her bare skin.
- You. - Soft, but breathless.
My hand that was on her underwear went up to her big sized shirt, taking it off as quickly as possible and then, I took off her bra and threw it to the floor.
My lips went straight to her breasts, sucking both of them, one at a time with circular movements and random, light bites. My teeth barely leaving a mark.
She started to moan quietly what turned me on even more. My teeth meet one of her nipples and, with my tongue, I started to make little circles around it.
Her breath was already heavy and her moans made me want to please her even more.
One of my hands grabbed one of her breasts, massaging it hard. The other went to her thigh where I let little red scratches.
My lips started to go down her body slowly, letting little bites in the way.
I took her underwear off. My lips went down till one of her thighs where I kissed her softly, making my way till where she needed me the most.
With the tip of my tongue, I licked her clit. She moaned louder, I used my tongue fully licking her with desire.
Soon after, I introduced one of my fingers on her.
- Omg… Chezz… Aaaah. -
I put one more finger on her centre and started to move a bit faster.
My other hand was still in her breast, tightening it.
She moans my name, contracts her body, squeezes the leather sofa.
My movements on her centre are intense, fast, strong and I’m licking her clit while pleasing her.
She raises her back from the sofa, moans loud, and grabs my hair. She pulls it causing me pain, which I like.
I move my tongue away from her clit and raise my body upon hers. My hand that was on her breast lays down onto the sofa. I kiss her with passion. Our tongues collide, our mouths fit.
The kiss soon ends due to the fact our breaths are heavy.
I put my chin on her shoulder, breathing against her skin. I close my eyes and enjoy the only sound I can hear in complete darkness, her moans.
- Oooh baby… Yess, like that. Aaaargh, yeah babe. -
She kisses my shoulder softly, causing me goosebumps.
Soon after, she started to move her hips against my movements on her centre. I put more speed on them trying to please her in the best way I could, after all, this was the first time I took control over her, soon her movements gained speed too and our bodies danced in sync.
Our bodies sweaty, pressing against one another giving me pleasure.
Her body contracted, she moaned one last time and I felt her jouissance on my fingers.
Slowly, I removed them from her centre. I lifted my head and looked at her.
She was smiling, closed eyes, trying to breathe normaly. I gave her a peck on the lips and smiled as well.
She soon looked at me, still smiling. - Omg, you’re the best. -
I giggled and hided my face on her neck. - You’re making me bluuuuuush. Stop it. -
She giggled with me and kissed my shoulder again.
We tried to catch our breaths, laying there, silently.
We were awake for about 2 hours now. Had taken a shower together, eat breakfast, watched tv. We were glued.
I felt good. We were sharing so many good moments, so many smiles in just a couple of hours.
I don’t know how she could make me so happy. I was happy before, but it was different. With her, no words were need, we understood each other, we communicated just by looking at one another.
I was now sitting on her lap, laughing with her.
- I’m serious, she’s super weird. -
- You can’t be serious. Lisa Riley is super cool. -
- I didn’t said she isn’t. She’s both. -
We continued laughing and soon I heard my phone ring again.
- I’ll go answer it before it explodes. -
- Ok babe. - She said, still laughing. I got up from her lap and started walking towards the couch where I had left my phone this morning, when we woke up.
It was Lily.
- Hey Lils, what’s up babe? -
- Thank God, I tought you had died or something. - We giggled.
- Oh, come on. It’s early for work. -
- It. Is. Not Cheryl. It’s 10am. -
- Exactly, too early. -
- You’re just lazy. - She laughed and then, continued. - You have the press conference today, with your new, but still old, band. -
- You make me feel like an old lady. - I said in a serious tone.
- You are! - She laughed out loud and I couldn’t help but laugh too.
- I am not. How abusive of you… I should find a new PA, you’re not making me feel like a diva like you did in your first two months in the job. -
- I needed to make sure you’d like me but now you already do. -
- Oh babe, who’s lieing to you? - I said in a tone of lamentation.
- Omg, you don’t like me? What have I done to you? Why? Where’s the love? - She sounded like a crying child.
- No, babe. Stop, don’t cry. You know I love you, I do. I was just kidding, I love you very, very much. - I was talking so fast that it was hard to breathe.
- Oh God, you scared me. Phew. - We laughed again. Our friendship is crazy, it always has been.
- Aw, poor you. - I said still laughing.
- Ok, drop it. You’re distracting me from doing my job. What a bad, bad boss… - She sounded serious.
- I might be a bad boss but I’m still the one who pays you… -
- Whatever. Returning to the main subject, you have a press conference with your bandmates in three hours. Do. Not. Forget. -
- Ok, I won’t. -
- I’m being serious Cheryl. If you forget I’ll resign from this job. -
- You’ll never resign, you love me too much. -
- Yeah, keep on thinking like that… -
- You are so sweet. You know that, right? -
- I know, I’m awesome. -
- Sure… - Sarcasm warning.
- Anyways… I have to hang up, your job calls me. -
- My job? Are you going to perform in my place? I always knew that’s what you wanted… -
- Shut up. I have to schedule your whole life now, like I always do. - She sounded bored and I just ignored her.
- Ok, gardian angel. -
- Aw, love ya. Bye babe. -
- Love you too, bye. -
I hang up the phone and went back to the kitchen, where I had left Kimberley waiting for me. She was by the window, talking on the phone too.
I sat at the table and started to mess with my nails. For high, I could hear Kimberley’s voice. It seemed like she didn’t saw me enter the kitchen, so I stayed quiet, not wanting to disturb her.
- Yeah, I know. I miss you too. - I looked at her, her back turned at me.
- It’s hard, but I’ll be back soon baby. I promise. I just need to stay around till the show ends and the dates I have to perform with the girls. It won’t take long. - Brief silence, the person she was talking to was probably speaking but I couldn’t hear a thing.
- Ok then, I love you too. Bye babe. - She hang up but didn’t move. I took a deep breath.
- Hey. - She turned her head to look in my direction.
- Hey. How long have you been there? - She started walking towards me.
- Not long. - I could see some kind of relief on her face. - Who were you talking to? -
- No one, just a friend. - She sat beside me.
- Wow, how much love for just a friend, han? - I couldn’t help the words from forming.
- Jealous much? - She giggled, but my face didn’t move a fraction.
- No. - Of course I was jealous. Who wouldn’t be? I mean, I say ‘I love you’ to a lot of people, but I don’t explain myself to them. I don’t say that I’ll back soon so they don’t need to miss me too much. Her conversation seemed to be the one you have with your boyfriend and I couldn’t be more jealous than I already was.
- Don’t lie. I can see it in your face. - She sounded serious.
- I’m not, I just asked. Jesus, Kimberley. - I got up from where I was sat and walked out of the kitchen, going to the living room. She followed me.
- Are you serious? You’re really jealous? God, It was just a friend. -
- I’m not, stop saying that. - I almost screamed.
- My God Cheryl, you’re unbelievable. - She said while walking towards the stairs.
- I just asked who it was. You’re the one who’s making a big deal of it. - I turned to look at her and she stopped to look at me as well.
- You were almost screaming at me. - She threw her arms at the air.
- Cause you were annoying me. - I crossed my arms.
- Oh, now I’m annoying? Great. - She continued to climb the stairs, turning her back at me.
- I didn’t said that. - In the top of the stairs, she looked at me again.
- Whatever, keep on being like that. -
- Like what? -
- Annoyed. - She walked towards my bredroom and shut the door behind her.
What the hell just happened?!
A few hours passed. Kimberley locked in my bedroom and me, I was just sat on the stairs. My elbows supported on my knees, my chin on my hands.
Confusion, insecurity, anger. All together, messed up inside of my head. That phone call was more than just friedns talking, I knew it and if it really was just a friend, why she reacted like that? She got nervous out of nowhere.
I heard the door opening, her footsteps.
She passed by me like I wasn’t even there. She was wearing a cute skirt, with a short top so her abs were free to be seen. Her outfit looked incredible, snake print and black where it seemed to be a bra and black heels.
- Why are you dressed like that? - My voice was weak, I was crying just seconds before.
- Press conference. - Short and bitter.
I got up from where I was sat and rushed into the room.
Under my breath, I started to swear. - For f*cks sake, why didn’t she remembered me of this damn press conference? Shit, I’ll be late, Lily is going to kill me. - I entered the bathroom and turned on the shower.
I hadn’t much time so the shower was short, I ran out of the bathroom, dried myself and walked towards my closet.
I put a black, simple regatta, leather alike pants, also black. A blue jacket and black heels. I was running against time so I just dried my hair and left it natural. Simple makeup, smudged eyes like always, an slightly pink lipstick.
I ran out of my bedroom almost stumbling in my own feet. Ran down the stairs, grabbed my phone and keys.
Almost immediately, my phone rang.
- Hello?! - I answered with out looking who it was.
- Hey there gorgeous. - A familiar voice but totally unexpected.
- Hey you. What a nice surprise hearing from you again. - I smiled.
- Aw, you’re too cute Cheryl. Your accent is adorable as well. -
- Aw, thanks babe. - I started to blush and didn’t know what else to say.
- Sure princess. Anyways, I was just wondering… I’m going to be in London any time soon and I missed talking to you. It’s been way too long since the last time I saw you so, I tought we could go out to chat. What do you think? -
- That’s awesome, I can’t wait to see you pet. - I said, smiling from ear to ear. Kimberley now looked at me, as serious as death.
- Ok then sweetie, see you soon. I’ll text you when I arrive okay? -
- Ok babe. - My smile faded when I looked at Kimberley, her eyes almost eating me alive.
- Ok then, bye bye hottie. - I couldn’t help but giggle.
- Bye pet. - I hang up the phone and squeezed it inside my jacket’s pocket.
I looked at Kimberley again, she was with the same look in her eyes.
- What? - I said.
- Who were you talking to? -
- No one, just a friend. - Pay back.
Kimberley got up from where she was sat and almost ran towards me.
- Name. - Demanding.
- Who do you think you are? My mom? - I tried to walk away from her, but she grabbed my arm strongly making me stay right where I was.
- I’m your girlfriend and I wanna know who was making you smile like that. - Her voice was loud, authoritarian.
- Well, I’m your girlfriend as well and you didn’t tell me who you were talking to earlier. Why should I tell you if you don’t tell me? - I pushed her away what made her let go of my arm and walked away as fast as I could, but soon felt one of her hands on my arm again.
She pulled me tightly, and so I turned to her, her other hand against my waist.
In one swift movement, she pushed me against the wall.
The cold wall heat against my hot skin.
Her hands went up to my wrists, which she held to the sides of my body.
- Get of off me - I screamed while trying to release me.
- Who was that? - She also screamed.
- My God, it was just a friend. Get away from me. - At this point, I had lost control over the tone of my voice and every time I said something, I screamed.
- Tell me already. - I could see that she felt nervous, anger in her eyes.
- You’re crazy. -
- Shut up. -
- No, get of off me. - For a moment, I was afraid of her. The anger was clear, showed up at her whole body.
- Let’s see if you won’t shut … - She collided her lips to mine and, along with them, I felt the weight of her body against my own.
Our tongues drew a invincible battle. Her hands went straight to my waist where she held me tightly. My hands on her shoulders, pushing her. The force of her body against mine leaving me stuck to it. Soon, one of her hands went up till my hair which she pulled causing my head to tilt.
My lower lip between her teeth, stuck, aching due to the bite she gave in it.
I pulled it up to loosen up, which caused me even more pain.
I looked at her with anger. Such anger I could barely control.
I pushed her away causing her to stumble backwards. I went towards her, pushed her body until it stopped by the sofa where she touched her legs. I sat her on the back of it, my hands on her thighs.
Pleasure and desire in a uncontrollable mixture when added to rage.
- Chez, babe. It’s me. - Lily’s voice.
- Shit. - Kimberley said already getting up from the back of the couch.
- What is she doing here? -
- How should I know? - I ran my hands thru my hair, adjusting it.
- She’s your PA. - Irony flying out of her mouth.
- So what? She’s also Lily, my friend who always comes to visit me. - When I looked down at myself, I remembered. - Press conference… That’s why she’s here, we have a press conference today. - I looked at my phone’s screen. - Actually, we have a press conference right now. -
Kimberley just rolled her eyes. - I totally forgot about that. -
- Yeah, me too. - I said while walking towards the door. I oppened it to see a grumpy PA.
- Hi love, I was just about to call you. -
- Of course you were. - Was it the day of Irony? - You ready? -
- Yeah babe, I am. - Kimberley walked towards us to join in the conversation.
- Oh, hey Kimberley. I didn’t know you’d be here. - Lily smiled.
- Just stopped by. - I could see she was still angry at me.
- Cool, you ready too? We can all go together. -
- Yes. Let’s get going then, we’re already late. -
- We always are. - Lily replied, looking straight at me.
- That’s not true. - I said while locking the door once we were all out of the house.
We were all waiting for our names to be called. Before walking into the room where the press conference would happen, I asked Nicola to change places with me. I didn’t want to sit next to Kimberley, we both were way too angry with each other to risk sitting side by side.
The conference went well. I loved the bit where we saw the fans, we all did.
I was already outside, waiting for Kimberley. After a few seconds, she passed by me.
- Hey. - I said out loud.
She looked at me and stayed in silence, waiting for me to say something.
- Where you going? - I walked towards her. It was cold, way too cold.
- Home. -
- Alone? - I wasn’t understanding her. We came together, how she would go home alone?
- Yes, Cheryl. I’m going to my house, not yours. -
- What? Why? - I felt empty. I didn’t tought she was so angry that she didn’t want to stay the night with me as much as I wanted to spend it with her.
- I need some time to think. - A cab stopped beside us.
- Think about what? It was just a silly fight Kimberley, it happens. - I could feel water invading my eyes.
- I know but it made think and… I don’t know. I’m sorry Cheryl, I need to go. -
- Don’t leave me, please… Kim, don’t. -
- Bye Cheryl. -
I watched the cab till it disappeared into the darkness of the night.
Cold wind against my skin, freezing my body, my breath, my heart.
And there I was, hearing someone call my name. Probably Lily, waiting for me beside the car but I couldn’t move. Shocked, feeling cold, alone again.
Three days, seventy two hours, four thousand three hundred and twenty minutes.
No calls, no text messages, not a word.
Lonely, miserable, missing her.
I couldn’t understand how this happened or why. In the morning, everything was perfect. We were laughing, talking and then, at the end of the day, she was gone.
She didn’t said why or if she would came back. I was lost.
I couldn’t cry anymore, it seemed like I was dry inside. I had no tears left.
She could had said something. She could have explained herself, she could have done so much to avoid this mess. But no, she just redid what she promised not to do again.
But life doesn’t stop just because your heart did. It keeps going and I had agreed to see Katy today. We’ve been talking about meeting in some coffee shop to chat.
I was lost inside of my own head, trying to find some sort of comfort.
- Miss, we’re here… Miss? -
- Yeah?! -
- We’re at the coffee shop. -
- Oh, ok… -
The driver was already waiting for me to get out of the car, so I did.
- Thank you. - I tried my best to smile, but I don’t think it worked cuz the driver just turned around and started walking towards the driver’s door.
I was trying to get into the coffee shop as fast as I could, but a guy started to put himself in front of me…
- Excuse me… -
- What happened between you and Kimberley, Cheryl? Hãn? Why you guys are not seen together anymore? Did you guys argued? You’re not friends anymore? -
- Move!!! -
I usually stay as quiet as possible in front of this dickheads, but… They get in my nerves. Never liked them, never will.
Once I was inside of the coffee shop, I relaxed a bit. At least they can’t come in.
I soon saw Katy sitting in the back of the shop, in a small table. I walked towards her.
- Hey. - I said quietly.
- Hey you!!! - Not as quiet.
She jumped from her seat and threw her arms around me, hugging me tight.
- How are you? - She asked while giving me a kiss on the cheeck.
- Fine, you? -
- I’m great babe. Come on, have a seat. - She said. That unique smile never leaving her lips.
I did as I was told and smiled back at her.
- So, how’s everything? Liking the weather? - We laughed and she just shook her head.
- No. I like sunny days and here it just rains all the time. I don’t know how you cope with it. -
- I was born in UK, I’m used to it. Besides, whenever I try to travel and see the sun, I end up bringing London’s weather with me, so… - And we laughed once more.
A few hours passed and I had forgot my own name. Katy’s mood was great so I just adjusted myself into it.
We were walking down the street now. Not an ideia that I liked, but anyways… Here we were, surrounded by paparazzi. A million lights in front of our eyes.
- Hold my hand, I’m blind. - She muttered into my ear and I did what she asked. I was also blind by the flashes, so… Why not?
A million questions being shout at us. Not a single fuck was given.
Sooner than I expected, we were standing in front of my house.
I looked at the paparazzi. All gone! It seems like the warning was worth it. Since I got it in court, not a single paparazzi has stood in front of my house how they used to.
We walked towards the door and, as soon as I opened it, Katy passed by me entering the location. Her hand still holding mine as I entered after her.
I locked the door and made my way to the living room.
- Have a seat. - I said as I seated myself on the couch. She soon joined me.
- Do you want something to drink? -
- Nope. Thanks. - She said, smiling at me.
A few minutes passed by. Silence surrounded us.
It was weird, Katy was loud and since I’ve met her I can’t remember silent moments like this one. Maybe is just because it’s been a while since we last spoke. Maybe our friendship is a bit cold right now.
I’m brought back to reality without getting to a conclusion when I hear her voice.
- Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? - Her tune was soft like never before. She’s sweet and all but I’ve had never heard her talk like this and, of course, I was a bit shocked.
- What do you mean? - She rolled her eyes and smiled softly as if it was obvious.
Ok. Now I’m confused. Am I that terrible when it comes to hide feelings? Because I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it.
She held one of my hands making me look at her. I was trying not to make eye contact for obvious reasons but she squeezed my hand gaining my attention. I try my best to make the smile that is glued to my lips seem truthful.
- Come on Chez… Your lips may be smiling but, even with no tears, your eyes are crying. - Who was I trying to fool? Everyone that I’ve ever met said that I use my heart at my sleeve.
- Is it that obvious? - I ask with a weak smile that fades away immediately.
- Yes babe, it is. - She gave my hand a gentle squeeze before breathing deep and carrying on. - It’s heartbreaking to see these beautiful eyes so sad and I know we’re not the heart to heart kind of friends but hey, we’re still friends and that’s what friends are for. - She smiled a tiny smile and I gave her one in return.
- Aye, I know pet. - She squeezed my hand one more time and looked at me dead in the eye.
- Then tell me what’s going on. Tell me what’s upsetting you so much. -
I took a deep breath, looked at her then my eyes moved to my lap, not wanting to let the pain inside my chest be seen any more than it already has. I felt my heart accelerating inside my chest as if trying to run from all the pain but it was too late.
Tears rolled down my face freely as I started to tell Katy about Kimberley and me.
Katy kept her eyes on me as if I was about to run and she was ready to catch me. Her gaze changed in some parts of the story, going from a tiny smile to teary eyes.
I just kept on talking. I kept going, fast. Maybe too fast as I saw a bit of confusion on her face at some points.
My mouth started to get dry but I couldn’t care less. I needed to tell someone, anyone. I needed to put it into words hoping that it would release at least a bit of the killing pain I was feeling.
I took one last breath before saying the worst phrase I could ever say in a life time.
- I don’t think she will come back. -
Silence, once again. I heard Katy sobbing silently and looked at her.
- Oh, Katy… I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to upset you. I’m sor… -
- Shh, come here. - As she cut me off by saying this, she wrapped me in her arms for dear life and I couldn’t help but join her as she cried. The sounds of our sobs mixed together.
She stopped crying first and just held me tight while I cried my heart out on her left shoulder.
As I contained myself and brought my head up, she smiled a weak smile and held my hand again.
- I don’t know what to say. - She confessed a bit down with herself.
- It’s okay, at least you heard it all. It helped already. Thank you Katy. -
- There’s no need to thank me Chez, I’m here for you and I will always hear you ok?! You’re not alone anymore. - And again, she squeezed my hand a tiny bit.
- Thanks, it means a lot. - My voice was weak, low, shaky. It has been in the last three days and it seems like Katy was the only one that noticed it.
By the time we got through the whole disaster was already late and Katy had to go back to her hotel since Shannon wouldn’t stop calling and screaming at her down the phone.
These two are crazy, that’s for sure.
It was 11 in the evening now, Katy had left two hour ago and I hadn’t moved from the sofa till now.
I had to take a shower and try to relax even tho I knew I wouldn’t be able to do so, I don’t even remember the last time I relaxed a little and just breathed, without worrying about anything.
It took me over one hour to take the damn shower and it wasn’t relaxing at all.
It was stressful. Every single time I tried to take my mind off of her, there I was, thinking about her again.
Thinking about how perfect her hair is, how it shines under the sun and how adorable she looks when it’s all messy and cute. Her perfect smile that washes me like a flood. A flood of love that could make me forget my own name and her touch, oh man, her touch…
- What the hell is wrong with me? She’s gone, she left me, again. - I said loudly, wanting to slap myself on the face and trying to hate her for what she has done but I can’t, I can’t hate her. I love her far too much to do that.
By the time I got changed and into bed I curled myself into a ball and tried to let sleep wash over me but it clearly didn’t work as I stayed another two and a half hours thinking about why. Why she did this again? Why she apologized if she was going to do it again? Why she said that she loved me when she clearly didn’t? Just… Why?
And I cried myself to sleep like I had done in the past three days. Like I had done three years ago, when she broke my heart for the first time.
I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. It seemed like a truck had passed over me.
It took me half an hour to get out of bed, down the stairs and into the kitchen.
I was now making my every day breakfast: coffee.
After that was done, I took a mug and walked to the balcony on the second floor of my house. I used to love the balcony in my bedroom but that one had too many memories. Too much of her. So, for the past four days, I was trying to escape from her at any cost.
I knew, deep down, that I couldn’t but I tried anyways. It was like my heart knew but my brain was trying to fight against it.
I was now sitting on the huge chair on the balcony, on the guest room.
My silk hobby loose against the wind, flying everywhere, my nightdress tight on my body - she used to say that she loved my body inside of it -, my hair down, curling more and more due to the wind, my legs agains my chest, my chin supported on my knees, the mug in one hand, a cigarette between my fingers on the other. My eyes lost somewhere that even I didn’t knew where.
My mind… Well, where do you think my mind was? Not her, but us.
I was so freaking tired of trying to figure out why she left and never came back, why she did it again, why she seemed to love me when she didn’t, how she did it, how she could possibly do it. So, instead of torturing myself with the same questions over and over again, I decided to change the torture just a little bit by thinking about how we used to be, on the good old days.
The room was too white, the light was too bright, the air was heavy, my right arm hurted, my hands, my legs… Everything hurted.
I blinked once, my eyes watered, I blinked twice and, slowly, I oppened my eyes to see the most beautiful figure beside me. She was fast asleep, all curled up in a plastic chair. Her long hair falling loosely on her shoulders, her eyes looking tired as never before, dark circles around her eyes but still, she was breathtaking beautiful.
I smiled to myself, my eyes never leaving her figure. Perfect figure that was.
- Good morning Cheryl, how are you feeling today? - The doctor, ok. But where did he came from? I didn’t even saw him coming.
- Err… The same, I think. - My voice was weak and the bad news is, I was already used to it.
- Ok, we are going to run some more tests this afternoon. We need to do some blood tests since your friend Derek told us that you had a trip not long ago. -
- Oh, okay. - He smiled and walked off.
I looked at her once more to find her eyes open, a concerned gaze on her face.
- Hey. - She whispered.
- Hi. - Once again, I smiled and so did she.
- How did you slept? - She ran one of her hands through my hair slowly, so delicate I could barely feel it.
- Better than you, that’s for sure. - She just smiled like it were nothing, like she didn’t cared. - You should had gone home like I told you to last night. I would still be here, you know… -
- Shh. - One of her fingers touched my lips seeking for silence. - I would never leave you alone, I told you last night too. I don’t care, I would had slept on the floor if I needed to. - Her finger that was upon my lips had run to my cheek where her hand stroked the same. We shared a smile and silence fell upon us.
Our eyes locked, fixed on one another.
- Thank you. - I murmured.
- Always. - She murmured back.
My hand somehow, found hers. I brought it till my lips and kissed it softly. She smiled again.
That smile that somehow gave me strenght. I was weak, but that smile was what was keeping me alive, breathing, fighting for what was worth having.
My life was worth it due to that perfect smile.
I remember feeling better when she was there with me. It seemed like all the pain would go away, my body floating, my heart beating faster, stronger…
Yes, I thought I was going to die, the doctor told me that and yes, it was mental. I just accepted it, started making the arrangements, I didn’t thought it thru but everytime my eyes met her figure my heart hurted. She looked so fragile and lost. I wanted to walk towards her and hold her in my arms for dear life but I could barely move. It broke my heart leaving it to stop beating in peaces. But besides that, I was ready, I thought.
Well, 48 hours later I saw that I thought wrong.
The doctor told me I was getting a lot better and had high chances of surviving and, in that tiny room, everyone breathed lighter except for her. She started crying again, sobbing like it was the last time she would cry in her life so she needed to sob as hard as she possibly could.
Everyone looked at her in shock, I was shocked. I couldn’t undertand why she was crying so much untill she run towards me and threw herself upon me on the hospital bed. Her arms wrapped me so tight it was hard to breath but I wasn’t complaining.
- Oh my God. Thank God Cheryl, I thought I was goind to loose you forever. I can’t loose you… What was I suppose to do without you? I love you too much to loose you, thank God… - These words brought tears to my eyes for the first time after the news.
My heart beated happier, lighter and I wrapped her in my arms as well. Never letting her go. We slept together that night. The doctors and nurses seemed quite angry at us, but who, in the world, would have time to worry about them when she was there, upon me, in my arms, sleeping like an angel?!
End of Flashback.
And now, I couldn’t help but wonder: Where’s that woman? Because this Kimberley that is constantly breaking my heart is not the one I met neither the one that didn’t left my side on a hospital bed for days.
- Hey Katy - I had just arrived at the location where rehearsals would take place. Sunglasses still on, a messy ponytail and no enthusiasm whatsoever towards the day ahead.
- Hi there, how are you? -
- The same as yesterday, you? - I was now walking down the hall that leaded to the rehearsals room.
- Aw, poor thing. I’m good, yea, thanks… Anyways, do you have plans for tonight? -
- Aye, sleep. - Katy laughed like a lunatic, as if there was no chance I was being serious. - What?! The rehearsals started, both of them, solo and with the girls. I’m sure I’ll be dead by the time night comes. -
- Don’t be silly, I have plans for us tonight. I’m in a mission. - Her voice was serious and I couldn’t be more curious about what she planned on doing.
- A mission? May I know why am I included in your mission? - I was just outside the door where the girls where waiting for my arrival so we could start this whole hell so called rehearsal with my best friends and ex best friend almost girlfriend.
- You are the mission, sweetheart. - I coudn’t help myself, the laugh just came and took over me. Louder than it was necessary.
- What are you laughing at? I’m serious. -
- Aye, sure you are. - I looked down at my watch to see I was already late and if there was a thing Bete hated was me being late. I have no idea of how she’s not used to it yet but she’s not and she gets really pissed when she has to hold something back just because someone decided that rehearsing is not important, as she says herself.
- I sure am. Be ready at 9pm, I’ll pick you up. -
- Whatever, I’m really late, Bete is gonna kill me so I have to go. - I said while opening the door and stepping in the room.
- Alright, just be ready or you’ll go with wathever clothes you’ll be wearing. -
- Where are we going anyways? - I could sense the girls looking at me and there was no one that looked more pissed than Bete.
- Surprise, surprise… -
- Right, should I go naked then? -
- Wow well, that wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it? -
- Shut up. I have to go now but we’re not done with this mysterious night out, okay? -
- Alright woman, try to play cool around that one okay? - It was clear on Katy’s voice that she was no longer a fan of Kimberley. It kinda bothered me a bit. Okay, I may not be a big fan of her also, but I was the only one allowed not to be and when others talked badly about her, I’d get pissed. I just ignored it, there was no chance in the world that I would defend her in front of her.
- Will do. -
I turned off my phone and turned around, facing the other girls in the room.
- What? You guys have never seen me before? -
- Shut up and come here, I missed you. - Nicola, as sweet as she has ever been or even more, if that’s possible. I walked over to her and hugged her tight giving her a kiss on the cheeck.
- I’ve missed you too babe, so much. - We shared a smile and, out of nowhere, someone was hugging me from behind and by the way that hug felt, I knew it was Sarah. All wrapped around me like a kid, she has been like this since I’ve met her. Always the clumsy one.
- Hey Hardcore. - I turned around to fully hug her and let go of Nic who stayed by our side smiling.
- Heyyyyyy Chez Bomb. I’ve missed you so much, you crazy ass woman. Where have you been? - I just laughed at her and winked, letting go of her as well.
- What about you Irish Diva? Come here, I missed you too. I missed all of you. - True that.
Nadine walked to me like a shy child, like she was afraid I would turn her down. I waited until I could reach her and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her into a tight hug.
- Aww Chez, I missed you so much baby. - I smile into her hair and breathed her in. I’ve missed her… A lot, more than I thought I would. My friendship with Nadine wasn’t as affectionate as my friendship with the others but still, I loved her to bits. She was my inspiration sometimes. Her beauty was so surreal that it was hard to believe she was a real person.
- Missed you too, babe. - We broke apart and I started walking towards Bete who was looking at me with the same ugly face since I’ve entered the room.
I walked like a kid who messed something up and was afraid that mommy and daddy would be pissed.
- Hi Bete, how are you today? - I was smiling like a little kid as well.
- Don’t even start with these puppy eyes of yours or this silly smile like you did nothing wrong. - She had her arms crossed around her chest, like she was the big boss.
- Oh, come on. Haven’t you missed me? Not even a little bit? A tiny bit? No?… -
- Ugh, I hate you. - She opened her arms and smiled wildly. - Come here already. -
I jumped on the spot and hugged her, smiling so wildly that the corners of my mouth hurted.
- I’ve missed your amazingness. - She just smiled and we broke apart.
I walked till my spot on the room and waited in silence for a few seconds.
- So… - All of them were looking at me and I knew exactly why but I wouldn’t just jump into Kimberley’s arms and pretend that nothing happened. She’s the pro on doing that, not me.
- So… - Nic repeated, looking at me like a lost puppy.
- Let’s begin or just stand here looking at me? -
We began rehearsing but it was obvious that the girls were lost and it wasn’t because they didn’t knew the routines, we knew it better than our own names. It was because they didn’t knew why the hell I didn’t greeted Kimberley neither looked at the direction where she was. I hadn’t seen her face yet and didn’t want to.
I was nervous and the reason was clear: I was going to see her again after three days of no contact at all. I couldn’t help my hands from sweating. Cold, salty water running along them making me even more nervous. My mind was a torture itself, wondering how much she must hate me, how much she must wish for me not to be here so she doesn’t have to see my face, never again. I know she’s right to hate me. I left her again and, for her, I’m a heartless monster, a terrible nightmare that keeps coming back to hunt her. But I’m not, I don’t want to be.
I was lost, unsure of what to do, of who I was. This isn’t like me, I’m not like that, am I?
I don’t wanna be… No. I want to be her safety, like she once said I was.
Oh God, I hate myself so much for doing that. I know why I left again, I know my reasons but, once more, she doesn’t and even if she did, she wouldn’t understand. I know she wouldn’t. She’s heart, she’s impulse, she’s made of today and she lives for it. She doesn’t think ahead. She’s right now, at this moment and maybe she’s right. Who guarantees that there will be a tomorrow, latter or next moment? I have no idea if I’m gonna wake up tomorrow morning.
I love her so much but I can’t be like her, I just can’t. I can’t live for now and not think about how it’s gonna be two weeks from now. It would be a mess, a real nightmare coming back after her. I can’t do that, I can’t be the reason to that. I won’t be.
I can hear her voice now, away and low but I can hear it and I’m sure it’s her. There’s no way I could mistake the sound of her voice, there’s no way that I could forget of how wonderful her voice sounds, the tune of her voice when she whispered into my ears late at night, how perfect she sounds when she used to say she loved me or needed me in her life… Stop Kimberley, she doesn’t want or need you anymore. Not after what you have done to her in the passed… I keep reminding myself of how stupid I was, how much I must have hurt her.
I have to keep my feet on the ground because every time I let them float, I run back to her. I let myself believe that we can be, that we can stay together no matter what because I have enough love for both of us but that’s not how things work in this industry. It all becomes too much and too fake when it’s printed all over the papers.
I’m taken of off my thoughts when the sound of the door closing enters my mind and makes me jump.
I freezed, she was there.
She looked so damn beautiful. Her hair in a high pony tail, sweatpants and a cropped top. Her body is perfect, oh my God.
I just stared at her, I didn’t even realized it but my eyes where glued to her. Her perfect figure running around while hugging the girls.
After she was done with all the hugging, she ran to her spot in front of me and said something about how we were all staring at her. My eyes went to the ground at the same second.
I had no idea of how much I’ve missed her till now, until I saw her again. I could barely breathe, my chest was heavy, my heart beating too fast, my mouth went dry… Cold sweat everywhere making me its slave.
We started dancing to our old steps, the retro ones that we did when the band was formed. I only had eyes for her. I kept analysing how her body moved, how perfectly she did every step and I couldn’t help but wonder: How could I let her go? Better even, how could I turn my back to her? Because that’s exactly what I did. I left her alone once more and walked away from her. I didn’t even said anything, I just got into that stupid cab and drove off. I left the woman I love behind without a word, an explanation. Maybe I am a heartlees monster. I wasn’t but I’ve became one.
The day was passing slower than I ever thought possible and I was getting pissed. I wished for this day to pass fast. So fast that I wouldn’t be able to remember it, ever again. But yea, seems like God doesn’t work by my wishes so, here we STILL are. Rehearsing for lots of stuff that were coming upon us since our break.
Everytime I tried to concentrate on the new dance moves, I caught myself thinking about her. I was losing myself to this memories that are hunting me for days now. I’ve tried to remain blank; no thoughts, no feelings, no nothing. But then I saw her, and, even tho I hate to admit it, she’s my trigger. She brings everything back, every emotion, memory… She’s like a breath of life running inside of my lungs and making pressure on my heart. And I can’t help but remember how our last rehearsals were. Full of energy, happiness, love, emotion, nervosism… A rush of the good and bad feelings all mixed up inside of each one of us but even being so confused with so many feelings at once, we used to find confort on each other. Now we don’t. I mean, I don’t. I can’t. Nothing gives me comfort, no one else knows how to do that except her and Nic but how am I supposed to find comfort on Nic if she doesn’t even know I need it and I’m not going to give in and ask.
That’s it, no comfort for me, I’ll just keep torturing myself with the memories of the old and good Chim so many fans believe in.
Out of nowhere, Beth starts saying something and all I can properly understand is that we’re having a 5 minutes break so we could drink some water. I got out of the rehearsals room before Beth was even finished with what she was saying and ran to the bethroom where I could isolate myself for a little while but then, uninvited, Nicola entered the bathroom after me.
- Chez, is everything okay? You seem a little bit off. -
- Erm… Yeah, I’m good. Just tired really. -
- Uhum… I see… Being tired is the reason for you not talking to Kimberley as well? -
- What?! Erm… No, not really. I just… -
- You just… love and hate her, don’t you? -
- Isn’t it right, Cheryl? -
- Sort of. -
- Why didn’t you tell me babe? I could’ve talked to her or, at least, helped you somehow. -
- How were you supposed to help me with this Nic? How? I don’t even know how I feel about her anymore, how were you supposed to know? -
- I don’t know babe, but I could’ve been there for you, you know?! -
Tears, great. Just… fucking great. Crying over Kimberley again, what a suprise.
- I know, I’m sorry Nic. I just… I’m so confused. -
- Shh babe, it’s okay. Come here. -
I didn’t move but she did. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight.
I felt so good to be around Nic, she has such a porcelain heart.
- Thanks for understanding Nic. -
- I’ll always understand it babe. You guys have a long history togheter and yea, it might be a difficult one but hey… Look at me babe. -
I did what she asked even tho I couldn’t see her properly thru the tears in my eyes.
- I know how much you love her. -
- I don’t… -
- Chez, don’t deny it. You love her, I can see it in your eyes and I know is hard for you to believe but I see the same love on Kimbers’s eyes. She loves you just as much but she’s messed up babe. She’s afraid. -
- Afraid of what Nic? I can’t understand it. She left and came back just so she could go again. She promised me she wouldn’t do it again and… Well, she did. -
I jumped out of Nic’s arms, scared that whoever was knocking on the door had heard what we were talking about.
- What? - Nic seemed just as scared as I was but at least her voice still worked.
- Beth is asking for you girls. Is everything allright? - Sarah, thank God. She’s good with keeping secrets.
- Yes, we’re fine. We’ll be there in a second. -
- Okay. -
And with that, we were alone again.
- Look Chez, baby. Everything is gonna be allright okay? Promise. -
- Don’t. -
- What? -
- Don’t promise me anything Nic. I don’t believe in promises anymore. -
Nic looked at me like a child looks at a lost puppy but I just ignored it and walked by her, exiting the bathroom. I cleaned the tears on my face with the sleeves of my blouse and entered the rehearsal room again.
- What is so important? I thought we were taking a five minutes break not a half second break. -
Nic was now in the room too, looking at Beth with a confused expression.
- Where’s Kim? - She asked.
Beth took a deep breath…
- She’s gone. -
- What you mean she’s gone? -
Sarah and Nadine appeared to know what was going on but me and Nic were lost.
- Well, she said she wasn’t feeling very well and asked me if she could go home so I let her. -
- She seemed just fine to me. - Nic, with scared puppy eyes.
- She seemed perfect to me. -
- Oh, really Cheryl? Cause you didn’t even looked at her. -
Well, seems like Nadine was a bit pissed off.
- Course I did. She looked just like all the rest of you… Nothing wrong. -
- Yea, cuz is so normal when you guys don’t even look at each other. Seriously Cheryl, what the hell is going on with you two? -
- Nothing Nadine, everything is just perfect. -
And with that, I got my purse and walked out only stoping to look at Nic.
- I’ll call you okay? -
- Allright babe, take care. -
- You too. I love you. -
- Love you more. -
The drive home was fine till I got to my gate and couldn’t believe on my eyes.
She was there, standing still, with red, teary eyes.
What the hell was she doing here? Really, why was she here? To make some more promises she can’t keep? To cause me some more pain? Cause the pain I already feel must not be enough for her…
I got out of my car and walked by her, like she was just another stranger on the street.
- Cheryl! Chez… Please, Cheryl, let me talk to you. Please, I’m begging you. Cheryl! -
I only stopped to get my kyes but she was already standing next to me.
- Che… -
I looked at her with such anger that I didn’t even recognized myself.
- WHAT?? What do you want Kimberley? -
- I wanna talk to you Cheryl. Please, let me explain why I left. -
- You mean why you broke your promise? Why you left AGAIN? Why the hell you seem to be pleasured every fucking time you break my heart? Cause it’s been two times already. What do you have to say Kimberley? That you’re sorry? Cause I don’t need to hear it, I already don’t believe in you. Not now and not ever again. Now, if you’ll excuse me… -
Her lips met mine with no warning. Her hands were holding my face with such need it was hard to think clearly or maybe I just didn’t want to think clearly. I didn’t want to think at all but that didn’t stopped my mind from going to how wrong this was. And yet, it felt so right.
My lips gave in making space for her tongue to meet mine.
My foot left the ground for a second, but it was brief and once again, I was fighting against her. I don’t remember her being so strong or maybe I’m just weaked since I haven’t been eating properly but still, her embrace seemed to be unbreakable.
She finally moved away and looked down, like she was waiting for me to jump into her arms and ask her to come back to me. Not that I didn’t want to, I did… So badly.
- The hell was that? Who do you think you are? -
- I’m sorry, I just… I love…-
- No, you don’t. Get lost Kimberley and don’t ever do that again. Don’t you dare come near me again. -
- I’m sorry. -
Once I got into my house, I locked the door in a hurry. Scared that she would get inside somehow and make me lose sense again.
The rest of the day went by in a blur. I tried so hard to get her away from me, to get over her and when I’m almost there - or, at least, I think I was - she comes back like a flood and washes me away.
I managed to skip the super party Katy was planning to take me to by telling her exactly what had happened. Since she already knew everything, she gave me white card to just go to bed and feel miserable by myself. But, she did said she was not done with me. I had no idea what she meant by that but at least I was alone and in peace.
Not in peace really but alone I was.
When I lay down on my bed, ready to get some sleep; she invaded me again.
And befored getting lost in the darkness that I’ve become, there was just one thing in my mind: her kiss.