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don't make it harder (than it is)

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She never gave in - she never allowed herself to feel. It was wrong and he was kind of her best friend but the tension was real and their understanding too.

It was something on a deeper level - something they couldn't deny any longer. It was why she now was packing her things.

Sure, the idea was always on her mind - she toyed with the thought of leaving the show after the end of her contract but now she had a reason - a real one, a good one. (at least she told herself)

 

She did the right thing in so many ways. He was married for god's sake, she never did something like that before - how could she overstep this line? A co worker: yes, but never ever a married man.

 

She looked around, tears in her eyes. She will miss this set, the people around - some more - some less - but it was great to work with each one of them.

So much had changed since she started the show - so many were leaving and now she also left.

 

She was happy having time for herself again, for her family and her friends - to work on other projects - not only during the hiatus. But nevertheless she felt sad.

 

She put another book in the box and looked at the other items in it. A smile appeared on her face when she lifted one of the pictures of her with Ginny, Josh and Colin. It was one of their silly moments, one of the moments she would never forget.

 

She sighed and put the silver framed picture back into the box, turning around to scan the caravan one last time. Her breathe hitched when she stared into his baby blue eyes which bored into hers.

 

She hadn't heard him coming - now she was standing mere inches before him, staring - not sure what to say or what to do exactly.

 

They had a long conversation about a week ago - a conversation she clearly remembered but nevertheless she felt the urgent want to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him.

Her eyes met the floor - unable to look at him any longer.

 

"Jen, I -" his voice was weak, broken, had he been crying?, but Jennifer wasn't in the mood - she couldn't deal with it now, maybe she could never.

 

"Don't! Please, just don't!" She lifted her hand in defence - she hoped he could understand, she hoped he would leave but he didn't, instead he stepped closer, his arms wrapped around her small frame.

 

She was a tough and strong woman but suddenly she felt like a young, weak girl. 

 

"I said don't -" another try of herself to stop him - she wasn't ready to be emotional, she just wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready for his hug either or for him pulling her so close she could inhale his scent. She wasn't ready for his hand in her hair stroking and holding her tight.

 

But most certain she wasn't ready for his words. "I'll miss you, Jennifer."

 

Tears formed in her eyes, ready to fall any moment. How dare he do that to her - they promised not to do that: a tearful goodbye. But now they were standing in her nearly empty trailer, surrounded by a few boxes which contained her belongings. He held her close, didn't let go - she leant into him suddenly also not able to let go.

 

She would never admit it, but she will miss him too - she will miss him the most of all, although he was the last push to sign her resignation. She didn't notice the tears which fell from her cheeks on his blue button down. She didn't notice him telling her how proud he was of her, how much he will miss her, that he understood and that he always will be there for her - that he always will be her friend.

 

Jennifer buried her face in his chest, holding him close, inhaling his scent, enjoying his embrace. "Colin, I-"

 

Colin kissed the top of her head, he didn't say anything but Jen suddenly felt wetness against her head. 

 

"No, don't cry, please - don't cry, Colin." Her voice was hoarse and broken. "Please." It was more a solicitation than a plea. "You know I can't... you know I am... Colin, please."

 

She never begged - she never showed that much vulnerability but now she did, she felt safe with him - always had - he was one of the few people in the world who knew who she really was, how she felt, how she thought. 

 

"I'm sorry." His voice was as broken as hers - nearly a whisper. But she heard him, she felt him under her fingers, felt his body heat radiating from him. "Jen, I..."

 

"Colin, I can't - why can't you stop - we already talked about it - I have to go and I can't - I cannot stay - I need to move on. I-" She was getting angry, annoyed or anything at all. She didn't know 

 

"I love you Jen. I will miss you so much - you are my best friend here on set, it won't be the same without you. But I am so proud of you. I said it before and I will say it again: you did the right thing, it was the right decision."

 

Suddenly Jen couldn't stop the tears anymore, she started to sob, she hung on Colin for dear life. 

 

The next moment Colin put her face in his hands, he lifted her tear-stained face to look into her red rimmed eyes. "I am sorry." He kissed her lips softly. 

 

Jen held her breathe, not sure what was going on. When she felt his lips on hers again she knew she needed to make a decision. She should push him off - she should throw him out but instead she started to reciprocate the kiss.

 

Feeling his body against hers, feeling his soft lips on hers, his smooth tongue caressing her bottom lip, seeking for entrance which she granted without hesitation, made her melt.

 

She closed her eyes, tilted her head to deepen the kiss which grew more and more passionate. "We shouldn't - we can't" the words died in her throat when Colin started to nibble on her neck.

 

"Aye - we shouldn't" He never stopped tormenting her, sucking and licking her neck. Jennifer moaned - Colin doubled his effort.

 

She knew she needed to stop him - to move, to do anything - exactly this was the reason she needed to go. He was married, he was going to be a father of two soon, Helen being pregnant and giving birth to a daughter soon.

 

A single tear made its way down her cheek again while Jennifer distracted herself from Colin. She looked at him, wiping her tear away and turning around.

 

"Please leave, Colin. Don't call me - don't show up at my play or show up at my door or I don't know. I - I need time, I need space, I -"

 

"Jennifer -"

 

"No, I need to "

 

"Jen, I am sorry, I -"

 

"Fuck, I'm going to miss you so much. There won't be a single day I won't think about you, I -"

 

She turned around, tears streaming down her face. She barely was able to look at him but she needed to. She needed to put an end to this - now.

 

He pulled her into his arms again, stroked her back, held her close, allowed her to be vulnerable again - to cry. He didn't want to show her his tears but after a few minutes he couldn't hold them back either.

 

They stood like that for a while, sobbing into each other's shirts - giving in their emotions, their pain, their feelings.

 

When they finally ran out of tears, he kissed her forehead again. 

 

"I love you too," she suddenly whispered and kissed his cheek before she pushed herself off him one last time. She grabbed a box and went outside without looking at him again. 

 

When she came back to her trailer to get the other boxes he was gone, only the decent smell of his cologne mixed with his scent lingering in the air.

 

Jen grabbed the boxes and looked at the trailer one last time before she finally closed the door behind her.

 

She already said good bye to everyone - she had nothing else to do than walk to her car and drive home. She took a deep breath and walked to the parking lot. 

 

She didn't see Colin eying her, she didn't see his unshed tears - the pain on his face - the smile on his face.

"I'm so proud of you, my love. Good bye, Jen."