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Learn to Let go

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Merle let out a moan as Milton trusted into him and hit just the right spot. The scientist squeezed Merle’s throat gently, just to caress it with his thumb right after.

Merle couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped his mouth. The pressure of Milton’s touch made his insides burn. He was on his back, while Milton, between his legs, leaned on him. Milton left a trail of wet kisses over the scars on Merle’s inner legs. A particular lick on a knife wound made him shiver in pleasure. There was a heavy feeling in Merle’s heart, one he had never felt and didn’t want to name just yet. He dug his nails into his lover’s back and Milton left a trail of wet kisses on his neck and chest.

 

 

Been a prisoner of the past
Had a bitterness when I looked back
Was telling everyone it's not that bad
'Til all my shit hit the fan

 

 

Merle thrust his hips up, hoping he’d get Milton to move inside of him faster. “Milty...” he grunted as he felt more of his scientist filling his hole.

Milton’s breath was warm and comforting, so much that it brought tears to Merle’s eyes. He fought against them, growling, as he found a comfortable place for his stump on a pillow. “Easy, Milton...” his voice was ragged, he was breathless. It was far from their first time together, and far from the first time Merle had let Milton top, but the man had a way to get under his skin that he couldn’t fight. He was scared of letting the scientist see his wounded flesh, even though he never cared about others seeing it before. He had thought he didn’t like it, but feeling his lover taking care of him gave him a strange feeling of warmth inside. Milton was different.

 

 

I know I'm always like
Telling everybody, "You don't gotta be a victim
Life ain't always fair, but hell is living in resentment
Choose redemption, your happy ending's up to you"

 

Milton just smiled softly, a smile that touched his clear eyes and made them brighter, like if he knew the effect he was having on Merle. The sexy stare was ruined by the crooked glasses that made him look way too adorable to Merle.“Shhh,” he soothed.

Merle gasped as Milton trusted harder into him. The swinging of those hips was driving the ex-soldier completely crazy. His toes curled on the sheets when he came between their chests and Milton followed right after into Merle.

The strength left his arms and the scientist collapsed onto Merle’s chest, panting. Somehow he managed to bring the both of them to their sides, lying chest to chest. Slowly Milton snaked his arms around the ex-soldier, pulling him close, ignoring the cum covering their chests. Eyes half closed and a soft smile on his face, Merle sighed in contempt. The other man’s skin was warm against his own, and he tugged his face into Milton’s neck, throwing his own arm over Milton’s waist.

“I love you” Milton’s eyes widened as he heard the other say the words. He quickly answered “I love you too.”

Merle froze, an expression of pure shock on his face as he realized what happened. He managed to get out a weak “What?” before pursing his lips

 

 

I think it's time to practice what I preach
Exorcise the demons inside me
Whoa, gotta learn to let it go
The past can't haunt me if I don't let it
Live and learn and never forget it
Whoa, gotta learn to let it go

 

 

“Listen, Merle, I’m-” Milton tried to pull himself up but Merle grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Don’t. Please” Merle growled.

“Shut up, Merle” Milton sighed, trailing the scars on Merle’s back with his thumb. He smiled “I love you too.”

Merle bit his bottom lip and averted Milton’s eyes. They looked way too sincere for his liking. Those words couldn’t be truthful, could they?

Milton’s touch on his scars made him shiver and he moved to get away from him, just to get stopped.

“Talk to me, Merle” his lover’s voice was firm, an unusual thing for Milton. “Haven’t we settled this already? Haven’t we talked about this?” A soft expression lit his face and Merle felt like he had just been stabbed.

“It was different. We hadn’t just made l-fucked” Merle sighed at his own words. He felt something inside him break, a wall he thought would’ve stayed forever in its place. “Okay. Okay, I’ll talk about it, happy?!” he threw his hand in the air as to shove something away, then rested his head on Milton’s chest, his breathe ragged. His heart raced furiously. A tear fell down his cheek and he angrily wiped it off.

“Merle” Milton hugged him and kissed his head. “You can’t keep it all inside. It’s killing you.” his voice sounded so worried it irritated Merle.

“I don’t care”

“I do”

Milton caressed Merle’s face and Merle leaned into the touch like an anchor.

 

 

Had a boogeyman under my bed
Putting crazy thoughts inside my head
Always whispering, "It's all your fault"
He was telling me, "No, you're not that strong"

 

 

“Remember the other day? When I told you about my father?” the room around him faded. Merle couldn’t see anything but blurry silhouettes and he couldn’t help but panic. He heard his father’s voice ringing in his ears with the thumping of his heart. Mistake. Idiot. Disgusting queer. It’s your fault your mother died. Useless bitch. She hated you as much as I do. Worthless whore. No one wants you. You’ll die alone. Merle shook his head furiously.

“Yes, I do” Milton’s fists clenched and Merle could see his jaw tightening. He didn’t know how he understood his lover’s rage wasn’t directed at him but at Will.

“He always told me… After he fucked me, I mean” Merle sighed. “He always told me I would’ve never found someone that wanted me. That when he died I should’ve just killed myself” Merle gulped. He felt like shrugging to shake away the awful feeling in his chest but for the first time in fifty years, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wanted Milton to see, to understand, to take care of him for once.

“That’s-” Milton shook his head. “He was an asshole, Merle. And I know it may sound cheesy, but...” he kissed Merle’s head again, holding him tight as he whispered, “I want you, for all my life’s worth.”

“Cheesy doesn’t even start to describe it, idiot” Merle couldn’t help but smirk. He playfully hit Milton on the chest, and the scientist faked a hurt whelp right before nipping Merle’s ear. Merle wrinkled his nose and a giggling noise escaped from their mouths. It was so unusual for him to do so, and the sound died soon died between Merle’s lips.

“It’s just...” the happiness was drained from Merle in a heartbeat, his smirk replaced by a grim expression. “I never thought I’d be in this situation” he gestured between them.

“What do you mean?” Milton frowned.

“I’ve never been a sweet man” he shrugged. “My father… He was right about me, ya know?” Merle could see Milton was dying to say something but let him speak. “Before Daryl was born...” he tried to hide his lower body from his lover, sheltering the faggot scars and hiding bruises that had faded years ago. Milton kept staring, silent. “I didn’t have no one. I couldn’t speak to anyone outside my family.” his voice rose to an angry scream and yet Milton kept quiet. “H-he used me like his personal whore, and even when Daryl was born I made so he never touched my baby brother that way. That just worsened for me” he flinched. “Hit after hit after hit I just felt numb. I didn’t care. And then I met some people.” the worse let his mouth without his control, after too many years of keeping them bottled up. His heart beat faster. “I mean, we were so poor and they looked like they could get me out of that place” his voice was starting to break down to a whisper and he looked into Milton’s eyes, searching for an accusation he didn’t find. He just then noticed that Milton was soothingly caressing his arm, and that he had tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be. Let it out. Let go, Merle” Milton kissed him. Merle let him in without a fight, giving into a kiss that felt soothing and perfect.

A shaky breath left Merle’s lips. “They gave me drugs. And I liked them. They made me feel so fucking good, Milton”

“It was the only thing that did at the time”

“It got worse” Merle held onto Milton like it depended on his own life and when he felt Milton’s hand on the back of his head, pulling him close, he let the tears free. “I started selling it so I could have more. I couldn’t feel anything if I didn’t take them.”

“Merle. Merle, listen to me” Milton made sure Merle was listening to him before continuing, eyes fixed on his own. “We all made mistakes. We all took bad decisions in the past. But you are not in the same situation you were in before. You’ve got me now”

“Yeah… Yeah, I do” a small smile appeared on Merle’s lips as he pursed them. He had a sour taste in his mouth. “I guess, thank you for listening like you did last time.” He felt like a heavy object had just been lifted from his chest. A weight he had carried for too many years and that had become a part of him.

“It’s okay. I’m here” Milton’s voice faded in the background, mumbling nonsense in Merle’s ears. Nonsense that the man welcomed and that lulled him into calmness and peace. He breathed in and out as he repeated the words “I’m here” in his mind over and over.

“I love you, Milton” he said again, and this time it was wanted and he knew it was true.

“I love you too, Merle” they kissed again and fell into a nice silence, cuddling as they waited to fall asleep.

 

 

 

I'm done reliving my bad decisions
I see now maybe there's a reason
Why, I, I, I, I, I, I been through hell and back
Yeah, honestly, it's what made me who I am
Holding on to wasted time
Gotta learn to let go in life

 

 

Merle woke up, tangled in the sheets. His eyes opened to an empty bed, leaving a sour taste in his mouth. He wondered if what happened last night was just a dream. It was too good to be true anyway.

“Hey, good morning” a voice behind him piped up and he turned to see Milton, fully dressed and with a cup of coffee in his hands. “I thought you would need it” the scientist smiled, the same warm smile he had given Merle last night.

Merle took a long breath and smiled back. “Thank you, Milty...”

As he grabbed the coffee from his lover’s hands, Merle felt contentment rise inside of him.