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Cards Against Rose Creek

Chapter Text

Vasquez: Ahh, no worries güero 
Red: Get a room you two! 
Faraday: Us two? 


Red: *imitating Jack* "Y'all need Jesus!!!" 
Faraday: "Naw I'm good thanks" 


Card: What is the most emo thing?
Faraday: Exploding oneself 
Vasquez: Not again my friend 
Faraday: That is pretty emo 
Red: THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR AND YOU KNOW IT 
McCann: Not if I don't shoot you first 
Vasquez: Too soon to joke about 
Faraday: I joke to hide my pain 
Vasquez: Okay, same 
Goodnight: Isn't that the point of life? 
Faraday: We are all victims of some sort of pain 
Vasquez: Too true 
Vasquez: All right there, McCann? 
McCann: Some of us literal pain thank you very much 
Vasquez: Oh right, I did shoot you like 6 times 
Vasquez: How's the coffin feel? 
McCann: Oh~ you know, it's actually quite comfortable and cozy here 
Vasquez: You don't say? 


Faraday: Okay. New game where this good lover will win 
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: Or not 
Red: That was not surprising Josh 
Faraday: Hey! 
Vasquez: Getting cocky, are we? 
McCann: Keep dreaming 
Faraday: Me? Never 


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Nice 
Faraday: I mean... 
Vasquez: Thank you 


Vasquez: Ahem, I think that may have described you well, Faraday 
Faraday: What did? 
Vasquez: Young people being into insatiable bloodlust 
Faraday: Oh 
Faraday: Nope 
Vasquez: I beg to differ 


-Red wins the round- 
Faraday: Aww Red Buddy 
Red: Still cocky there Josh? 
Faraday: Shush 
Faraday: No.. 
Goodnight: Likely story. 
Red: Vas, help your boy. I think his ego is in shambles now 
McCann: As if it wasn't already? 
Goodnight: Pffft. 
Vasquez: It's about time! Sorry Güero, you deserved it 
Faraday: His boy?
Faraday: Why am I his boy? *gestures at Vasquez* 
Faraday: And thank you 
McCann: Please, as if you don't know 
Faraday: I don't 
Faraday: Do you know Vas? 
Vasquez: If you'd think more and talk less, maybe some things in life would make more sense to you 
Faraday: That's not helpful 
McCann: Are you actually that clueless 
Faraday: No 
Faraday: (Yes) 
Goodnight: I beg to differ. 
Red: Its the whiskey 
McCann: I don't think it has anything to do with whiskey 
Red: And I think he fell off the horse one too many times 
Vasquez: Both true 
Goodnight: Whiskey might lead him there. 
Faraday: I am Hurt 
Red: You probably deserve it 
Vasquez: You have feelings after all? Amazing 
Faraday: I do not 
Goodnight: What? Have no feelings? 
Faraday: No, deserved to be hurt 
McCann: The man literally came storming out with hell on his heels and damn near pitched a fit when you got shot 
McCann: How is that not enough of a clue 
Faraday: I.... 
Faraday: Jesus...wept 
McCann: *rolls eyes* Its a wonder how you survived this long 
Faraday: Because of my charm and wits 
Vasquez: *snorts* 
Faraday: I have them 
McCann: Uh-huh 
Faraday: I do 
McCann: Such charm 
McCann: "World's greatest lover" indeed 
Faraday: I am 
Vasquez: Oh yes, you were immensely charming when we met. You're lucky I didn't shoot you then and there 
Vasquez: If Sam hadn't been there... 
Faraday: Aww you loved it


Faraday: Wow Red this is a whole other side to you 
Red: Does this make me the world's greatest lover? 
Vasquez: Yes. I nominate Red Harvest. 
Faraday: What? 
Goodnight: I second it. 
Faraday: Goody, c'mon 


-Faraday wins the round-
Faraday: HA 
Vasquez: Dammit 
McCann: May I remind you who it was that actually got a shot off me 
Faraday: Only because you got a cheap shot off of me 
Vasquez: If you had so greatly outmatched McCann, you would have taken him out 
Vasquez: But I seem to recall that I did 
Faraday: I am seriously hurt 
Vasquez: That was my intention 
McCann: That was a cheap shot? You were standing in the middle of the open ground with no cover like an idiot 
Vasquez: ^^^ 
Goodnight: Pffft 
Faraday: Ouch 
-Vasquez wins the round-
Vasquez: Ha, tied again, Faraday 
Faraday: Are we? 
Faraday: Wait why did you do that Vas? 
Vasquez: Do what? 
Faraday: Shoot McCann 
McCann: *groans* 
Vasquez: To save your sorry ass 
McCann: Oh my godddddd 
McCann: I've never met a more stupid man than you 
Faraday: Yeah but why? 
Red: For all our sakes, confess and get a room you two! 
Vasquez: I feel no obligation to appease your idiocy 
Faraday: Okay. And Red. There is nothing 
Red: I need to find a new Path 
Faraday: To a Roof? 
McCann: Is this what you are all like? I can feel myself getting stupider by being around you idiots 
Faraday: We are better than Bogue. 
Red: And Denali 
McCann: You're STUPIDER than Bogue 
Faraday: I am not 
Goodnight: Isn't it..."more stupid"? 
Faraday: Yeah...What he said 
Vasquez: Too late 
McCann: You didn't even know what a syllable was, you can't judge 
Vasquez: HA, ahead of you, Faraday 
Faraday: Dammit 
Faraday: And I don't know what it is but I can read so there 
McCann: Can you now 
Faraday: Yes 
Faraday: I read all about Jack Horne 
Faraday: As a child 
McCann: That doesn't count 
Vasquez: Congratulations on learning one of the most basic life skills. You want a cookie? 
McCann: Everybody's read about Jack Horne at least once in their life 
Faraday: Yes I would love on- 
Red: I even know about Jack Horne 
Faraday: Wait a minute 
Vasquez: Sarcasm. Heard of it? 
Faraday: Screw this 


Faraday: We are tied again Vas *winks* 
Vasquez: Hmph. Not for long, I think 
-Vasquez wins the round-
Vasquez: There. 
Faraday: Dammit all 


Card: Describe me, the Card Czar, in one card. (Goody's turn)
Winning Card: Owls
-McCann wins the round- 
Red: MCCANN 
Faraday: Billy! We need you 


Red: I don't think you two are at the cognitive level to even admit that yet 
Faraday: Whom Red? 
Red: You and Vas. I know my english is pretty spotty, didn't know about yours 
Vasquez: His English is worse than yours or mine and we're the only non-native speakers 
Faraday: Mine is? 
Vasquez: Yes 
Faraday: *offended* 
Goodnight: Well... If you count Billy,... 
Vasquez: Ah, don't tell him I forgot about him 
Faraday:You scared of him? 
Vasquez: One would be a fool not to be 
Vasquez: To some degree 
Goodnight: It's true. 
Faraday: I agree there 


-Vasquez wins the round-
Vasquez: Tied again, guero 
Faraday: We are...This needs to end 
Red: The game? 
Faraday: Me being tied up with him 
Red: Ahhh I see 
Faraday: Not in that way 
Vasquez: I beg your pardon?
McCann: *groans long sufferingly* 
Faraday: You heard nothing 
Vasquez: Whatever you say 
Faraday: It is what I say 
Faraday: Nothing 
Vasquez: *sighs heavily* 
Faraday: *stares away awkwardly* 
Red: I don't even want to know 
Faraday: Shh Red. You are too young and Innocent 
Red: Jack wouldn't last five minutes here 
Faraday: He'd have a heart attack 
Vasquez: True 


-Faraday wins the round-
Faraday: I broke the tie 
-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Wow 
Faraday: Vas. 
Vasquez: Tied 


Card: In 1000 years, when paper money is a distant memory, what will people need to do to pay for stuff?
Winning Card: Jizz
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: *snickers* 
Vasquez: *no comment* 
Red: I think that would've given Jack that heart attack 
Faraday: Yeah and landed you some time out 
Goodnight: This entire game would kill the man. 
Vasquez: Agreed 
Faraday: Yes 
Red: If he dies, I'm blaming you lot

Chapter Text

Vasquez: Ayyy McCann
Faraday: *sticks tongue out*
McCann: Better put that back in your mouth if you still want it
Faraday: Nope
Faraday: Not gonna
Red: I will have no severing of tongues under my rule. Knock yourself out later
Faraday: Red is still God..I mean Czar
Red: I am God


Faraday: Good thing Goody is not here
Red: Beware the Owls


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Vas!
Vasquez: I’m on a roll, güero. Be warned


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Welp
Vasquez: Thanks for the new point Faraday
McCann: Wow, biased much Faraday?
Faraday: No
Faraday: How dare you assume that
McCann: How dare I?
Faraday: Yes how dare


-Red wins the round-
Faraday: REd….I am so proud
Vasquez: You’re a bad influence, Faraday
McCann: What a surprise
Faraday: Okay..
Faraday: No
Vasquez: Thanks for the point though
Faraday: Shhh
Faraday: *flustered*
McCann: Not biased indeed, how dare I assume that
Faraday: I'm gonna slug you one day
Red: Do it
McCann: Like that’s never happened before, what with your tendency to pick fights
Red: Can I fight him?
Faraday: I don’t pick ‘em
Faraday: And yes
Red: I can take him
McCann: I’ll take both of you on
Faraday: I’ll tag you in Red
Red: I can take him. I took on his friend and threw him off a balcony. Let me take him
Faraday: Okay


-Red wins the round-
Faraday: Ohh fuck, Red
Red: Stab Stab
McCann: Isn’t that Billy’s thing?


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: STOP IT
Vasquez: Faraday, I think you better focus
Vasquez: You got some catching up to do


Faraday: I am gonna be shot Vas
Vasquez: You think I won’t just save you again like last time?
Faraday: Yeah, kinda
Red: Damsel in Distress much?
Faraday: Do I look like a Dame?
Red: Kind of
McCann: Are you actually gonna purposely get shot just to get saved?
Faraday: NO
Vasquez: I revoke my offer
Faraday: Vas no


Card: What would make things weird in a sauna?
Faraday: McCann
McCann: What
Faraday: You make things weird
McCann: I DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING
Vasquez: What’s new
Red: You all make things weird
Faraday: In the sauna.
Faraday: I don’t wanna see your junk
McCann: WHAT THE FUCK
McCann: I DON’T WANNA SEE YOURS EITHER
Faraday: HEY ITS PASSABLE
McCann: BY WHOSE STANDARDS
Faraday: Uhhh..Hmmm
Red: I'm going back to my roof. I need a new path
Faraday: Somebody
-Vasquez has left the game-
McCann: Look at that, you made your crush leave
Faraday: Shut up..He is not my crush
McCann: I’m sorry
McCann: Your lover
Faraday: Red help me out here
Red: Don’t drag me into your white nonsense
Faraday: It aint that
Red: Trust me. Its complete nonsense and the two of you are obviously white
Faraday: Wow no help
Faraday: Wait Vas is not
Red: You and McCann are. That's enough for me
Red: Did you really expect my help?
Faraday: Yes.
McCann: You were expecting help from Red of all people?
Red: He has a point
Faraday: Yes
Red: Well you are wrong
Faraday: Who else would I ask
Red: You shut up and keep it to yourself. Bottle it up and let it fester
Vasquez: Healthy advice
McCann: Wow
Faraday: You guys


Vasquez: Faraday, did you put in 'powerful thighs’?
Faraday: No
Red: I did
Vasquez: Ahh I see
Faraday: I have them though
McCann: So subtle
Faraday: I gotta point them out
Red: Keep your thighs to yourself
Faraday: Sue me
Vasquez: Gladly
Faraday: But don’t
Red: You’d gamble everything away first
Faraday: Yes
Faraday: Then invest it back
McCann: How
Red: You know how to invest?
Faraday: I cannot say
McCann: Cause you don’t know?
Vasquez: Yes
Faraday: No
McCann: No you don’t know?
Faraday: No I do know
Vasquez: Oh yes clearly. Your foremost investment has been alcohol, but unfortunately the long-term gains have been none
Faraday: I bought a horse
Faraday: That is long term
Faraday: Excuse me
McCann: And you gambled it away
Red: You couldn’t even keep that horse
McCann: Who the fuck does that
Red: What the fuck?
Vasquez: Never thought I’d say this, but McCann is right
Faraday: Vas?
Vasquez: Sorry, it’s the truth
Faraday: Wow
Red: Not doing so hot are we Faraday?
Faraday: My own friends against me..
Vasquez: We’re just playing with you, güero. You’re too easy to tease
Red: We’re playing?
Faraday: You tease me the most
McCann: *muttering* Maybe half playing for some of us
Red: I wasn’t playing
Vasquez: All right, Faraday. Maybe not them, but I was teasing. And there’s a point too. Feel better?
Faraday: No but really Vas you tease me daily without tryin
Faraday: And its okay.
Vasquez: That’s true
Faraday: Wait you know?
Faraday: Does everybody know?
Vasquez: To say it’s totally unintentional is a bit of an overstatement
Faraday: Is it though?
McCann: Are you honestly THAT clueless
Faraday: No
Red: Yes
Faraday: I just let you believe that
Faraday: I have..things I keep private
Vasquez: *tries not to laugh, fails*
McCann: How shocking
McCann: We ALL do
Red: Lies
Vasquez: Red Harvest, you’re hardly one to talk. You kept it a secret that you spoke the same language as us until the day before we all went to die together
Red: At least I'm good at keeping secrets
Faraday: Unlike who
Red: You
Vasquez: The head-on approach; I appreciate that, Red Harvest
Faraday: With my feelings about..uhh Feeling
Red: Naturally
Faraday: You know Red
Red: What
Faraday: Never mind
Red: No, do go on
Faraday: You know what I mean
McCann: About feelings?
McCann: I think we ALL know what you mean then
Faraday: Oh Yeah?
McCann: Because that’s hardly a secret
Faraday: It is to good sir
Faraday: I stole that from Goodnight
Billy: We had no idea
Vasquez: I figured. Smooth talking is not your forte
Red: You can’t even understand half of the things Goodnight says
McCann: Gee I wonder who else you could’ve stole it from
Faraday: Can you understand them?
Billy: I can’t understand half the things Goody says
Faraday: See
McCann: Can anybody really
Faraday: Sam. Maybe
Vasquez: I thought I had learned English well until I heard Goodnight speak
Faraday: I know.
Red: Goodnight can’t even understand what Goodnight says


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Shit I keep pickin your cards Vas
McCann: How dare I again
McCann: Not biased indeed
-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Shush you
Faraday: I am not
Red: Shush all of you
Vasquez: Thanks, Guero
Faraday: No problem Amigo
-Vasquez has left the game-
McCann: Look at that, you keep making your lover leave
Red: Again
Faraday: No I don’t
Faraday: And he is not my lover
Faraday: …As far as you know
Red: I could tell you otherwise
McCann: I’m sorry
McCann: Your husband then?
McCann: When was the wedding, I’m so sorry I missed it
Red: YOU AINT QUIET
Faraday: No wedding
Faraday: And you listen?
Faraday: Red
McCann: YOU’RE NOT EXACTLY QUIET
Red: I don’t have a choice
Faraday: How would you know
McCann: WE CAN BE ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF A TOWN AND WE COUD STILL HEAR YOU
Faraday: Lies
Red: You’re making Teddy drink
Faraday: No
Faraday: Billy isn’t complaing
Red: Billy is busy making his own noise!
Billy: Challenge?
Billy: I always win.
Faraday: True
McCann: If ever I don’t have to hear you moaning like a damn whore “OH GOD YES VASQUEZ MORE HARDER” it would be too soon
Faraday: ….There is a child here
Faraday: Not that I do that
Red: You do.
McCann: Well he certainly isn’t a child anymore from the sounds that come out of your mouth
Faraday: Nope can’t be proven


-Faraday wins the round-
McCann: You would have that card wouldn’t you
Faraday: What card?
McCann: “The hardworking Mexican”
Faraday: It was dealt to me


-Vasquez has joined the game-
Vasquez: Did you miss me?
Faraday: Yes
McCann: I know at least one person missed you
Faraday: I mean…Billy missed you
Red: Nice save lover boy
Faraday: Wasn’t a save
Billy: I did not miss you.
Red: He misses Goodnight
Vasquez: That’s… quite frank Billy
Billy: He doesn’t speak for me.
Vasquez: I see
Vasquez: He does have a tendency to try to speak for others though, doesn’t he?
Faraday: I am Innocent
Vasquez: HA. That’s a good one
Red: I make no comment
Faraday: Because its true
Vasquez: I believe the last time you were innocent is when you emerged from your mother’s womb
Vasquez: Even then, maybe not
Faraday: I was
Faraday: I was a very good kid
McCann: You’ve never been innocent your whole life
Faraday: I have
Faraday: Why we gotta bring my mom up?
Vasquez: I find that hard to believe


Faraday: *sticks tongue out* 
Vasquez: Very mature 
Red: Children 
Faraday: Yes? 
Vasquez: Ha, you responded to that 
Red: Thats what you all are 
Faraday: He insulted us Vas 
Red: So what. Fight me 
Faraday: I will 
Vasquez: Red Harvest, someone I know called you a “little shit’ and I find that accurate 
Red: Good 
Red: I know it is 
Faraday: It is

Chapter Text

Vasquez: Afternoon, all
Faraday: Hello
Red: Oh damn it all to hell, I’m stuck with you two
Faraday: The best two
Faraday: He agrees Red see
-Goodnight has joined the game-
Red: Oh shut up
Faraday: Make me
Goodnight: Well, this is interesting.
Faraday: Goody!
Red: Save me
Goodnight: Afternoon, Faraday.
Faraday: But you are safe Red
Faraday: And hello
Goodnight: No one is safe with you around, Joshua.
Goodnight: If we’re being honest, I mean.
Vasquez: This is true
Faraday: It is


Card: Cream of ______ soup
1 Answer Card: Depression
Faraday: Damn
Faraday: That is deep
Vasquez: That’s what she said
Faraday: I mean maybe


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: God. Vas.
Red: That’s what you said last night
Faraday: Red.
Goodnight: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THAT
Goodnight: Dammit it all, Red
Faraday: No
Vasquez: So much for “young and innocent”
Faraday: He’s been tainted
Goodnight: Who ever told you that was sorely mistaken.


1 Answering Card: Spontaneous human combustion
Faraday: Aww man
Faraday: The middle is true
Vasquez: Wow Faraday, that one hits a little close to home
Faraday: For me? Yeah it does


Faraday: Okay Red always has that card
Faraday: And it sounds painful
Vasquez: It does
Red: Do you know what a snapping turtle is?
Faraday: Hell no
Faraday: I don’t want to know
Goodnight: Oh my.
Goodnight: You can’t put two and two together, Joshua? Snapping + Turtle?
Vasquez: This isn’t even my native language and I can guess what they are
Red: It’s asking too much for his brain to comprehend 
Goodnight: I don’t think it has to do with language…
Faraday: I know what is it I just don’t want to see one
Vasquez: You claim to know
Faraday: I do know
Vasquez: You claim to
Faraday: I don’t claim to be anything. But I know


Card: WOOHOO! Goddamn I love ______
Faraday: Everytime I think its someone else its you *grumbles*
Goodnight: Your voice cracks once—
Goodnight: And it’s held against you.
Faraday: Mine?
Vasquez: No, Goodnight’s
Faraday: *snorts* True
Vasquez: Well played, Red Harvest
Red: Balls


-Vasquez wins the round-
Faraday: Okay! This is not on purpose guys
Vasquez: So you claim ;)
Faraday: Stop with the charm
Goodnight: oH i WON THIS
Faraday: But don’t
Vasquez: Stop with the….. whatever it is you’re doing
Faraday: Ohh god
Faraday: What am I doing?


-Card about the Native Americans and the White Man- 
Goodnight: I apologize, Red.
Red: Damn right you better apologize
Faraday: Yeah sorry


-Vasquez winning the whole game-
Faraday: He won
Red: Vas what the hell?
Vasquez: I’m on fire
Vasquez: Not literally
Vasquez: You know what that feels like though, I imagine, Josh
Red: That's your bit
Faraday: You better not be
Goodnight: I don’t think he felt anything.
Faraday: Me? I mean I didn’t
Red: It all went out with a bang
Faraday: ….
Goodnight: HA
Vasquez: Wow
Faraday: Rude
Red: Suck it up buttercup
Faraday: You suck it up
Red: No that's your job
Faraday: What is?
Vasquez: Sucking things, I would assume
Faraday: I don’t, unless it is liquid
Goodnight: ….
Faraday: NOT THat kind
Red: I’ll just leave that there
Vasquez: Are you trying to set yourself up to be ridiculed?
Goodnight: Eeehhhh
Faraday: NO
Faraday: You need to get yer minds out of that stuff
Goodnight: *casually sips coffee*


Card: Instead of coal, Santa now gives ____ to naughty children for Christmas
1 Answering Card: Owls, the perfect predator
Faraday: You okay Goody
Goodnight: Oh, good. No child deserves an Owl
Faraday: Ohh..Probably


Vasquez: If Faraday had been card czar I think I would have won…
Faraday: With the thighs?
Vasquez: Yes
Red: Again with the thighs?
Goodnight: Thick thighs save lives, Red
Faraday: Billy don’t have any
Goodnight: I don’t see how anything of Billy is your concern.
Faraday: I am just saying.
Goodnight: Yeah, yeah.
Faraday: You have humps Red?
Vasquez: To be fair, he does have pretty impressive pecs
Red: Who?
Faraday: And arms
Faraday: Wait Billy or Red?
Vasquez: I was talking about Red
Goodnight: I believe he is talking about Red.
Faraday: Red does too
Red: Damn right I do. You staring?
Vasquez: Relax, Red!
Faraday: No why would I?


Faraday: Guys?
Goodnight: Yes?
Red: What Faraday?
Faraday: Do you think Jack would be upset if Red were to get drunk?…For science or whatever
Vasquez: Probably
Goodnight: A bit.
Faraday: Damn
Red: Wanna test that theory?


Winning Card: Boring Vaginal Sex
-Goodnight wins the round-
Vasquez: Good Lord, Goodnight
Faraday: That reads you all over it
Goodnight: I am entitled to my opinion.
Faraday: True


Winning Card: Alcoholism
Faraday: My friend
Goodnight: I’ve never met any of those.
Faraday: They are bottles
Red: Those would be your only friends,. They don’t have to listen to you
Faraday: Rude, Red
Faraday: I am wounded you did this to me
Goodnight: Do I need to bring out the world’s smallest violin?
Faraday: Hey
Faraday: Those are not a thing


-Goodnight winning the whole game-
Vasquez: Damn, Goodnight
Vasquez: And I thought I was good at this
Faraday: Same
Red: What gave you that impression?
Goodnight: I don’t know if I should feel honored or ashamed that I won.
Vasquez: The fact that I won the last round
Faraday: Wow. Vas
Red: I’m just here to make fun of you all


Card: Man, this is bullshit. Fuck ________
Goodnight: Oh, the irony of this carrrrd.
Faraday: It can go two ways


Non-winning card: Powerful thighs
Faraday: THE ONE TIME I GET THAT CARD
Red: Guess your thighs aren’t that good then
Faraday: They are
Red: I’ve seen better
Faraday: Ohh yeah?
Goodnight: Least he’s honest.
Red: Yeah. Mine


Winning Card: The hardworking Mexican
Vasquez: I feel proud that I won the last round with a card that describes myself
Faraday: Hardworking? You are
Goodnight: I admit I laughed way too hard.
Goodnight: Oh boy.
Vasquez: Thank you, Faraday
Faraday: Being so skinny and all
Red: Get to the point Faraday
Faraday: Not that I have noticed
Red: That’s a bunch of bullshit
Goodnight: I believe we know the point
Faraday: You all saw him move that log right?
Vasquez: Are you showing me off?
Faraday: No!
Vasquez: Hmm
Goodnight: Hell will freeze over when that stops being true.


Winning Card: American dream and multiple stab wounds played together
Vasquez: Faraday, why does it seem like all your answers nearly tell your life story
Goodnight: Pfft
Faraday: Because I have a sad ass life


-Card about cowboys and finishing off the Indians-
Goodnight: CHRIST
Faraday: Huh?
Goodnight: HE had that card
Faraday: Yeah *laughing*
Red: Am I wrong??
Faraday: Nope
Goodnight: I mean…


Faraday: OH?
Faraday: Ohh..
Vasquez: What?
Faraday: Nothing. just..Oh
1 Answer Card: Owls, the perfect predator
Goodnight: -sighs-
Vasquez: Hmph
Faraday: Gettin over that fear
Goodnight: Oh, cruel fate.


Card: Cream of ______ soup
1 Answer Card: Seppuku
Vasquez: Sounds tasty
Faraday: Think Billy knows about that?
Goodnight: That’s Japanese.
Faraday: Oh, never mind
Red: Typical
Vasquez: ^^
Goodnight: Hmph.


Faraday: I am not sure about these things
Faraday: They are tied
Vasquez: Is there a problem?
Red: Faraday, do you actually think before you speak?
Vasquez: No. he doesn’t
Faraday: Yeah..
Goodnight: And I’m The Virgin Mary
Red: You’re not a virgin after what I have to hear at night!
Faraday: How’d that go Goody?
Goodnight: You really wanna know?
Faraday: Sure?
Vasquez: No, I don’t
Goodnight: For your sake, Vas.
Vasquez: Thank you
Vasquez: I may have regained a small amount of faith in humanity
Faraday: Just now?
Vasquez: Yes
Vasquez: When Goodnight agreed not to tell us his story on my behalf
Faraday: Oh,that is good
Goodnight: I can keep my mouth shut unlike some people.
Faraday: I do when I am sleeping
Red: You have’t been sleeping much lately
Faraday: I have
Vasquez: How would you know that?
Red: I have ears
Faraday: And?
Faraday: I don’t snore
Goodnight: Think we should invest in some ear plugs?
Red: Yes


Faraday: Red…Should we have a talk?
Red: What talk?
Vasquez: Uh oh
Faraday: Any talk
Red: What are you going on about?
Faraday: You know
Faraday: Your last cards (Sexual tension + No talking = no sex)
Goodnight: Stop while you’re ahead, Joshua.
Vasquez: Too late
Faraday: Its never late!

Chapter Text

Faraday: Its back 
Goodnight: And so, another thrilling game. 
Faraday: That and McCann is in too 
McCann: What did I miss in the “harass Faraday and make him look like an idiot” department 
Faraday: Nothing (Everything)
Goodnight: A lot. 
Goodnight: Vas and I conquered. 
Faraday: They did 
Red: Faraday suffered 
McCann: I see 
Faraday: Did not 
Goodnight: Two words, Joshua. 
Goodnight: “Snapping” and “turtle” 
Red: They agreed I had the best thighs and pecs 
Faraday: That…Goody. No 
Faraday: Also Goody is mother of Jesus so 
Goodnight: Oh, yes. Of course. 
Faraday: Don’t know how that is possible 
Goodnight: Off to a marvelous start there. 
Red: Since when have you ever tried to understand something 


-Billy has left the game-
Goodnight: Well, I’m alone now. 
Faraday: Ohh no Billy 
Faraday: BILLY? 
Red: Great, you scared him away! 
Faraday: No I didn’t


Winning Card: Pixelated bukkake
-McCann wins the round-
Goodnight: Dear Lord. 
Faraday: Bu what? 
Goodnight: Nothing. 
Goodnight: BU-nothing.
-Billy has joined the game- 
Faraday: He is back 
Red: Goddamnit all of you 
Goodnight: Welcome back, cher. 
Goodnight: Now what happened? 
Faraday: He is moody 
Red: I wonder who’s fault that is 
Faraday: You? 
Red: You 
Faraday: Hmm 
McCann: How were you ever born 
Red: Accident 
Goodnight: Well… 
Billy: But opium really helps 
Faraday: What? 
Faraday: I have never done that 
Goodnight: …It does. 
Billy: I think we could part with a bit. For Vasquez’s sake 
Faraday: Guys. 
Goodnight: Agreed. 
Red: What now? 
Faraday: No, there is nothing 
McCann: Ah yes your ever present lover seems to be absent right now 
Faraday: He had things to do 
Goodnight: You not being one of them. 
McCann: You sound disappointed 
Faraday: Hey 
Red: I’m surprised 
Faraday: Why? 
-Vasquez has joined the game-
McCann: Ask and he shall appear 
Vasquez: Hello everyone 
Faraday: Hi 
Faraday: And shush you 
Goodnight: Pffft. 
McCann: Shoosh yourself 
Faraday: They wanna give you drugs Vas 
Red: I’ll keep all comments to myself 
Vasquez: What???? 
Vasquez: What kind of drugs? 
Faraday: I dunno ask Goody and Billy 
Vasquez: Ahh 
Vasquez: Their opium? 
Faraday: Yes 
Vasquez: I think I’ll pass. I like having my wits about me, thank you very much


Winning Card: Spontaneous human combustion
-Vasquez wins the round- 
Faraday: You think about that often? 
Red: Again with the spontaneous human combustion, Vas, really? 
Vasquez: Think about what? 
Faraday: What Red said 
Red: Balls 
Faraday: No not that 
Vasquez: Not too often, except when I’m afraid it’s going to happen to you 
Faraday: It won’t 
Faraday: Again 
Faraday: I hope 
Vasquez: That doesn’t sound too certain 
Goodnight: Not holding my breath. 
McCann: You two are so sweet it’s sickening 
McCann: I'm choking back a sob 
Red: I’m going to throw up 
Faraday: No Goody and Billy will rot your teeth
Vasquez: I can choke you regularly if you’d prefer, McCann 
Vasquez: Happily 
McCann: I think you wanna try that with Faraday no? 
Red: Keep your kinks in the bedroom for gods sake 
Goodnight: Is this a challenge? 
Faraday: Yeah. Wait..No what? 
Billy: It sounds like a challenge. 
Goodnight: I think it’s a challenge. 
Red: Count me out 
Faraday: To what choke you? I’ll help 
Vasquez: I offered to choke McCann 
Vasquez: But I can add Red to the list if he keeps up like this 
McCann: I’m not into you 
McCann: Thanks 
McCann: I know someone else who is though
Faraday: I’ll help 
Faraday: I don’t care for you much either 
Faraday: And I didn’t challenge anyone 
Red: What list? You leave me out of this Vasquez 
Vasquez: I mean killing choking. Not kinky choking 
Faraday: Yeah that one I’ll do 
McCann: Kinky choking? 
McCann: God I didn’t need to know that 
Vasquez: You were the one to imply it, I was only responding to that 
Red: I am surrounded by idiots 
Goodnight: Excuse you. 
Faraday: I am not kinky 
Red: This whole conversation would say otherwise
Faraday: McCann you must be the one to know that is a thing 
Vasquez: I am done trying to clarify what I said and who I was talking to 
Faraday: You don’t have to, I caught up


Faraday: Red we are tied 
Red: Lucky me 
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: WHy are you..I dunno..wow wounded, disowned as my brother Red 
Red: You were saying 
Faraday: Little shit 
Red: I live to please 
McCann: Are you just figuring that out now 
Faraday: No I never got to say that to him 
Faraday: You are a shit too
Faraday: So you know 
McCann: Thank you 
McCann: Right back at you 
Faraday: *flips the bird* 
McCann: *flips double birds* 
Red: Behave 
Goodnight: Very mature. 
Faraday: He started it 
McCann: *rolls eyes* 
Red: And I'm the little shit 
Vasquez: Sometimes I think Goodnight and I are the only ones in this group who grew past adolescence 
Goodnight: …That did not help. 
Faraday: What about Billy 
Goodnight: I think you are forgetting about Billy… 
Vasquez: I didn’t realize he was here. My apologies 
Billy: I can make myself unforgettable. 
Faraday: He is too quiet 
Vasquez: I’m not sure I want to know what you mean by that 
Goodnight: Now, that’s not true. 
Faraday: I wanna tie a bell to him and Red 
Goodnight: Snapping turtle… 
McCann: What the fuck Faraday 
Vasquez: I second that 
Faraday: Goody I didn't 
Billy: I want to tie you to a rock. 
Billy: And let it sink. 
Red: Tie a bell on me and I’ll personally introduce you to a snapping turtle 
Faraday: You will not 
Goodnight: Well, that is a bit harsh, to be fair. 
Faraday: Yeah red 
Red: I don’t care 
Faraday: *pokes* Could you, it ain’t gonna kill you 


Faraday: There is that card again 
Faraday: And no it's not me 
McCann: … 
Goodnight: ….. 
Faraday: It aint 
Vasquez: What are you all bickering about now? 
Winning Card: Powerful thighs
-Goodnight wins the round-
Goodnight: *coughs*
Faraday: Goody 
Goodnight: What? 
Faraday: Thighs 
Goodnight: Thighs are a wonderful thing, Joshua. 
Faraday: They are 
Red: Just not yours 
Billy: Tell us more. 
McCann: Good god 
Vasquez: What has happened to this conversation? 
Goodnight: Thighs have happened, Vas. 
Goodnight: Thighs. 
Faraday: Goody likes the ones you got Billy 
Billy: And I like his. 
Faraday: Whoa 
Red: Faraday’s obsession with thighs 
Faraday: It's not one 
Vasquez: Sure about that? 
Faraday: And it got derailed Vas 
Faraday: Yes 
McCann: You constantly talking about it seems to prove otherwise 
Faraday: No 
Red: Do you have an obsession with Vasquez’s then? 
Faraday: *stares Red down*…..No comment 
Red: Vas, does Faraday have an obsession with your thighs? 
Vasquez: *coughs awkwardly* 
Vasquez: Better to ask him than me 
Red: That's a yes 
Faraday: *shuffles card* My lips are sealed 
Goodnight: Pffft. 
McCann: On his thighs? 
Faraday: Wha? 
Goodnight: McCann. 
Goodnight: Really? 
McCann: Not my fault he made it so easy 
Faraday: Can we shoot him? 
Red: Can I throw him off a balcony? 
Vasquez: I’ll give it another go 
Vasquez: Shooting him, that is 
McCann: You’ve shot me already, I don’t see why you didn’t let me die then 
Vasquez: I should have 
McCann: You should have 
Faraday: I will help this time 
Vasquez: Good 
Faraday: Aww 
McCann: It’d save me from going through this hell 
Red: The things you do for love 
Faraday: Better than those other meat heads 
Goodnight: Do I need to break out the smallest violin again?
Faraday: Yes 
Red: Do you know what a violin is Faraday? 
Faraday: Yeah 
Red: Wow that’s surprising 
Faraday: A fiddle 
Red: Got to take what you can


-Vasquez wins the round- 
Vasquez: Faraday, I WILL catch up to you one of these rounds… 
Faraday: Wanna bet? 
Vasquez: Sure 
Red: What are we betting on? 
Goodnight: Oh, Lord. 
Faraday: What do we bet? 
Vasquez: Loser buys a bottle of whiskey for the winner 
Faraday: Deal 
Red: That's a sad bet 
Faraday: What else would we bet? 
Goodnight: It’s nothing new. 
McCann: Not like they’d ever step it up 
Faraday: I can step it up 
Vasquez: Oh? 
Goodnight: This should be something to see. 
Red: I wanna see this 
Faraday: Dinner 
Goodnight: Dinner? That’s the step up? 
Red: Just the two of you? 
Faraday: Yes 
Faraday: …I mean 
-Vasquez has left the game-
McCann: Look at that, you’ve made him leave again 
Faraday: Stop that 
Faraday: I did nothing 
Red: Its not like he's lying 


-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: Could’ve guessed 
Goodnight: Really? 
Goodnight: Could you have? 
Faraday: Yes 
Billy: I didn’t know he had the capability. 
Faraday: It was him or Red I guessed 
Goodnight: I’m amazed. 
Red: Excuse me? 
Faraday: You heard me 
Faraday: Because if it ain’t me its you 
Red: You want to fight? 
Faraday: I’ll fight ya 
Goodnight: That’s a quick fight 
Red: It will be simple 
Billy: We know who our money is on. 
Goodnight: …. 
Goodnight: Just that pun alone is enough to make me give Red all my earnings. 
Faraday: No 
Faraday: I am not drunk. So I have a fighting chance 
Faraday: I haven’t had a drink all day 
McCann: That’s hard to believe 
Red: That's a bunch of bullshit 
Faraday: Why? 
Faraday: I have proof 
Red: I’ll go easy on you Faraday, for Vas 
Faraday: Go easy, I’ll say that to Jack 
Faraday: And Sam 
Red: You think you can take on Jack Horne, the LEGEND Jack Horne? 
Faraday: No about you when I win 
Red: You couldn’t stand a chance 
Faraday: Oh yeah? 
-After the fight, Faraday with tissues to stop bleeding nose-
Red: I wont apologize. He was asking for it 
Faraday: Wow *sniffs* 
McCann: Honestly I don’t know what you were expecting 
-Red wins the whole game-
Faraday: Wait he won the game 
Red: I won Bitch 
Faraday: I ain’t a bitch 
McCann: You just got your ass handed to you 
Faraday: I am going to bleed on you McCann
Goodnight: ….That’s just unsanitary. 
Red: Knock yourself out

Chapter Text

Vasquez: Evening, everyone 
Faraday: Hello hello! 
Goodnight: Good evening. 
Red: Got ourselves a full house tonight, hmm? 
Goodnight: Sounds like a party. 
Faraday: SHall we begin? 
Red: I am, once again, God 
Goodnight: And here we go. 


Faraday: Jack you pick a white card that you best feel fits the blank 
Faraday: And so on and so on 
Horne: What in the world is a Card Czar? 
Faraday: You pick the white card you like 
Billy: You are a card god 
Billy: Decide our fates 
Billy: By picking the winner 
Goodnight: …Why ya gotta make it sound like that? 
Red: Don’t forget to click confirm selection 
McCann: In Red's words 
McCann: “I am God” 
Red: Hey. I am God 
Billy: “I am God.” 
-McCann wins the round-
Goodnight: Damn. I thought nipple blades would catch on… 
Billy: I liked Funkie Fresh Rhymes 
Billy: Whoever played that 
Red: Why thank you Billy 
Faraday: I..you would like that 
Red: See Faraday, I am EMOTING 
Faraday: Are you though? 
Goodnight: BUT WE CAN’T SEE YOUR FACE. HOW DO WE KNOW 
Goodnight: All I picture is :|
Billy: Does my face show emoting? 
Goodnight: It does in certain situations. 


Faraday: No guys my eye is pretty swollen 
Goodnight: Well, that’s not our fault now is it? 
Faraday: You took bets 
Goodnight: We always take bets. 
Faraday: Well yeah 
Goodnight: It’s what we do. 
Billy: Leading cows to water doesn’t make them drink. 
Faraday: Point taken and being..? We need better gigs 
Goodnight: Very true. But…it’s "Horses”. 


Goodnight: Jack. You doin’ alright? 
Horne: Oh yeah. Just worried for you all. 


Faraday: Powerful thighs 
-Vasquez has left the game-
McCann: *laughing his ass off*


-Horne wins the round-
Faraday: Wow Jack *pats his shoulder* 
Red: That's the nicest thing Faraday has done this whole time 
Goodnight: Right? 
Faraday: I am a nice person 
Billy: Maybe something in the blast fixed him. 
Faraday: … 
Faraday: All of us 


Goodnight: Alright. Impress me, boys. 
Faraday: Are you impressed 
-Faraday wins the round-
Goodnight: Eh. 
McCann: Too bad there was no owls 
Goodnight: No, no. I greatly appreciated that were none. 
Billy: So do I. 
Faraday: I do as well 


-Horne wins the round- 
Horne: Wow and I’m not even completely sure what I did 
Red: Well you’re doing better than I am 
Faraday: You got a point 
Goodnight: Red has none. 
Billy: The goal is to beat Faraday. 
McCann: The goal is to never let him win 
Horne: Sounds like a good goal 
Goodnight: It’s a marvelous goal, really. 


-Horne wins the round
Goodnight: Whoa. 
Faraday: Who’s sex life 
Red: I don’t want to know about any of yours 
Goodnight: No. You just want our stories. 
Faraday: No 
Faraday: I hear your stories 
McCann: Gross Faraday 


Goodnight: And here we are. 
Goodnight: CHOP CHOP, BOYS. 
Goodnight: Impress me! 
Faraday: I hope mine will 
-McCann wins the round-


Card: ______, betcha can't have just one!
Wining Card: Bullets
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: One bullet is more than enough, thank you. 
Faraday: I just had one 
Faraday: In my gut 
McCann: I should know 
Red: And you all got plenty 
Billy: Me too 
Goodnight: Me too. 
McCann: You had more than one Faraday you liar 
Red: I didn't 
Faraday: Ohh yeah. That just kinda blacks out 
Horne: Arrows are worse 
Goodnight: Okay. All things penetrating are bad. 
Goodnight: …. 
Goodnight: …I did not think that through…. 
McCann: Well… 
Red: Want to rephrase that Goody? 
Faraday: Goody 
Billy: I think you do. 
McCann: That was a bit too much info 
Horne: I have no words 
Goodnight: MOST penetrating things…are bad. 
Red: Not fixing it 
Faraday: Jack's got a cool scar on his hand 
Horne: It wasn’t worth it 
Faraday: I mean..You helped Teddy 
Horne: I meant the scar isn’t worth having an arrow shot through my hand…Teddy was certainly worth it 
Faraday: Oh, yeah I have many of those 
-Billy wins the round-
Horne: You’re too good at this Billy 
Goodnight: Very nice, cher. 
Billy: Compliment me all you want, Goody, it’s not fixing that last comment. 
Billy: But thank you, Jack. 
Goodnight: I.. But… Well, fine.


Card: What is the most emo?
Winning Card: Explosions
-McCann wins the round-
Faraday: WOW 
McCann: Nailed it 
Goodnight: Very nice. 
Faraday: More like lit the fuse 
Billy: If only Goody had been the czar. 
McCann: But there was no owls 
Billy: There was self-loathing. 
Goodnight: Did you put that there, Billy? 
Billy: …. 
Goodnight: Okay. Noted. 
Faraday: Are you two okay? 
Billy: Of course. 
Billy: Want us to show you? 
Red: Trouble in paradise? 
Faraday: No..? 
Goodnight: Is it really any of your concern? 
Faraday: Si..? 
Red: Bored and it's interesting 


-Red wins the round- 
Red: FINALLY 
Horne: There ya go, Red 
Faraday: Aww Red buddy 
Red: Shut up 
Faraday: Neeeverrr 


-Faraday wins the round-
Faraday: *finger guns* 
Goodnight: *rolls eyes* 
Faraday: *small finger guns* 
Red: Put those finger guns away. You know half this group doesn’t do well with guns 
Faraday: *No finger guns* Okay 


Card: I am become ________, destroyer of _________!
McCann: Why is it always with the thighs 
Goodnight: Do I need to go over this again? 
Goodnight: Thick thighs, save lives.
Faraday: Why not? 
Red: Faraday and his obsession with thighs 
Winning Card: Aaron Burr, Powerful thighs
-Faraday wins the round-
Faraday: HA 
McCann: I KNEW IT 
Faraday: Did you 
McCann: I had suspicions yes 
Faraday: Good…Good 


Faraday: I am almost tied with Billy 
Red: Beat his ass Billy. In personal opinion, it isnt a hard task 
Faraday: It happened 
Billy: Dammit, Red. 
Red: Then do something about it 


-Horne wins the round-
Horne: I’m catching up! 
Faraday: He is


Card: If you can't handle ______, then you shouldn't try ______
Goodnight: I believe have this one. 
Winning Card: Slowly easing down on a cucumber, Double penetration
-Goodnight wins the round-
McCann: So you did 
Goodnight: Thank you, kindly.
Faraday: *stares* 
Red: DAMNIT GOODNIGHT 
McCann: Personal experience? 
Billy: Thought you didn’t like things that penetrate. 
Goodnight: Excuse me? 
Goodnight: Just play the damn game.. 
Faraday: Whoa 
Horne: I’ll pray for your soul, Goodnight 
Goodnight: Someone better pray, I tell you that. 


-Horne wins the round-
Faraday: Three way tie 
Goodnight: How’re you likin’ the game, Jack? 
Horne: It’s very….strange 
Faraday: In a good way? 
Horne: I suppose, though I think we all need a prayer or two for our souls after this is over 
Faraday: When will that be? 
-Red wins the round-
Horne: Change of subject…Good job, Red 
Red: Thanks old man 
Goodnight: Pffft 
Horne: Hey now I’m not that old 
Faraday: You are 
Goodnight: A bit. 
Red: Tread lightly there Goody 
Goodnight: Now what did I do? 
Faraday: We are all old too Red 
Horne: Well with age comes wisdom 
Goodnight: ….Alright. You got me there. 
Faraday: I have some of that 
Horne: You’re still too young for wisdom 
Faraday: What? 
Billy: Too young. 
Faraday: I am a hellova lot older then Red 
Red: Definitely look it too 
Horne: You don’t act it though 
Faraday: Hey 
Goodnight: No he does not. 
Faraday: Why should i? 
Faraday: If I act it I will feel it 
Goodnight: You’ll feel it no matter what eventually. 
Faraday: Yeah and I’ll be feeling it sooner now


Card: Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore _______ at their own pace
Choices: A whole lotta women, Boring Vaginal Sex, Sexual humiliation, All the single ladies
Faraday: This says something 
McCann: Seems all of you were on the same page 
Winning Card: Sexual humiliation
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: … 
Red: Hell yeah 
Goodnight: Well, damn. 
Faraday: I wasted a whole lotta woman 
Goodnight: And I wasted mine. 
Goodnight: I would not mind being wasted right now, let me tell you. 
Faraday: Same 


-McCann wins the whole game-
Faraday: WHAT 
McCann: Hell yeah 
McCann: Suck it Faraday 
Goodnight: Well done, McCann. 
Goodnight: …I can’t believe I actually said that. 
Billy: At least it wasn’t Faraday 
Faraday: Go clean your mouth out 
Goodnight: Too late for me now, I’m afraid 
McCann: Go clean yours after all the sucking you did 
Faraday: I don’t suck 
Faraday: For all you know 


Goodnight: So…am I forgiven yet…? 
Billy: I wasn’t mad. 
Faraday: Aww 
Billy: I was just having fun. 
Faraday: You guys are so cute 
Goodnight: Well, now I just feel plain dumb. 
Red: Being a fool again Goody? 
Faraday: Welcome to my world 
Goodnight: Guess so. 


Faraday: I.Am.God 
Goodnight: Ehh… 
Faraday: No 
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: …. 
Faraday: He had that card
Goodnight: I wasted two more cards. Damn. 
Billy: So did I. 
Billy: I wasted cock and my soul. 
Faraday: SOrry 
Red: Just ask Goody, he should be able to help you Billy 
Goodnight: Survivor’s Guilt and a lifetime of sadness. 
Faraday: Ohhh 
Billy: We don’t have to ask. 
Goodnight: Exactly.


Faraday: My legs killin me 
Goodnight: …Massage it? 
Red: What were you riding this time? 
Faraday: Jack my horse 
Red: Clarification was definitely necessary 
McCann: Jesus 
Goodnight: ….I may need to scrub my brain. 
Faraday: Wow guys..wow 
Horne: …. 
Billy: Goody, where are our cigarettes? 
Billy: I need one now. 
Goodnight: Nightstand, cher. 
Faraday: WHy did you all go there> 
Goodnight: Please get me one as well? 
Red: You make it easy 
Faraday: Do not 
McCann: He’s not exactly lying 


-Horne wins the round-
Goodnight: HA 
Faraday: WHoa 
Goodnight: Well played. 
Faraday: Wow Jack 
Goodnight: He’s pretty good at this. 
Red: Should we find that comforting? 
Faraday: For a man of god 
Faraday: No 
McCann: And we all said this game would kill him 
Billy: I don’t know if we should be glad for inviting him or not. 
Horne: It probably will kill me at some point 
Red: We guessed a heart attack first 
Goodnight: Oh, it’s just some harmless fun. 
Faraday: Let’s not kill him’ 
Red: I'd probably cause it 


-Vasquez has joined the game.-
Goodnight: Welcome back, Vas. 
Faraday: Hey 
Vasquez: Evening gents
McCann: You missed the “Faraday sucking it” part 
Faraday: McCann won 
Faraday: The game 
Vasquez: This sounds interesting 
Faraday: And Jack can keep up with us 


Card: Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it _______?
Winning Card: My dead son's baseball glove
-Billy wins the round-
McCann: Damn I wasted a card 
Vasquez: Good going, Jack 
Goodnight: Christ, cher. 
Billy: That would put a halt to sex. 
Goodnight: You’re not wrong. 
Horne: Thank you, Vasquez 
Vasquez: Sure thing, amigo


Faraday: No but guys we should be drinking 
Billy: You should never be drinking. 
McCann: You’re always drinking though
Vasquez: If you buy, I’m in 
Faraday: I’ll buy 
Faraday: And I do not 
Vasquez: Didn’t realize you had such a charitable spirit, Faraday 
Faraday: I was using the money for it anyhow 
Horne: I’ve already been drinking to be honest 
Red: Usually you’d chug it down in one go 
Vasquez: Dammit, Faraday 
Faraday: No I cannot 
Red: I’ll drink 
McCann: No wonder we’re always broke 
Faraday: You are broke. we are not 


Card: Get ready for the movie of the summer! One cop plays by the book. The other's only interested in one thing: ______
Winning Card: Actually taking candy from a baby
-McCann wins the round-
Goodnight: You would, McCann. You would. 
Faraday: He beat me to that 


Card: Money can't buy me love but it can buy me _______!
Winning Card: Meaningless sex
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: What 
Billy: Good job to whoever played oil. 
McCann: Thank you 
Faraday: Ohh 


Vasquez: I’ve got a handful of shit cards 
Red: I’ve noticed


-Goodnight has joined the game-
-Vasquez wins the round-
Vasquez: At last 
Faraday: Still ahead 
Vasquez: For now 
Goodnight: And here I am back at nothing. 
Faraday: Ohh Goody
Faraday: We still got that bet? 
Vasquez: Which bet? 
Faraday: The one with drinks 
Vasquez: Thought you were buying tonight 
-Faraday wins the round-
Vasquez: Damn 
Faraday: Ha! 
Goodnight: Play the game, Joshua. 
Faraday: I did Goodnight 
Faraday: And I am but then I remembered 
Vasquez: So the offer no longer stands? 
Faraday: Which 
Faraday: I’ll still buy 
Vasquez: Then why bet? 
Goodnight: It’s all he knows. 
Faraday: We can do both 
Vasquez: I see 
McCann: Weren’t you gonna step up your bet 
Vasquez: You’re on 
Faraday: I need a drink so either way 
Vasquez: That’s fair 
Faraday: WHat is? 
Vasquez: The bet and your offer 
Faraday: Ohh yeah good 
Faraday: Drinks all around 
Goodnight: …Are you feeling alright? 
Red: I’ll take it 
Faraday: I am in pain and need a drink. Red is in? 
Goodnight: What do you say, cher? You in? 
Red: I'll drink 
Faraday: Are you allowed? 
Faraday: Jack is he..allowed 
Red: What do you mean ‘Am I allowed’? 
McCann: You say it as if he’s not an adult 
Goodnight: Just how old do you think he is? 
Faraday: Young 
Faraday: But okay 
Red: Just give me the goddamn drink 
Faraday: *passes him a drink* Fine 
Red: Damn straight 
Red: Too young my ass 
Faraday: You are younger then me, sue me


-Red wins the round-
Faraday: That drink getting to ya? 
Red: In your dreams 
Faraday: No 


Faraday: Okay McCann is winning again 
McCann: Do better then 
Faraday: I am, my cards are shit 


Goodnight: ….. 
Winning Card: Owls
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: I knew it 
McCann: Ouch 
Faraday: Billy 
Red: Harsh 
Billy: Another cigarette, Goody? 
Goodnight: Yes, please. 


-Faraday wins the round-
Red: Faraday, I expected nothing less from you 
Faraday: Oh? 
Red: Goblins and AIDS Monkeys 
Faraday: Yes 


-McCann wins the round-
Goodnight: Damn 
Faraday: What is it 
Goodnight: Mine was “Deez Nuts” 
Goodnight: I wanted to say the thing. 
Faraday: Ohh. I thought it was…never mind 


-McCann wins the round-
-McCann wins the whole game-
Goodnight: How can you ignore the word “grundle”? 
Faraday: You can’t 
Goodnight: And yet…it was. 
Faraday: Nice 
Red: I dont…I dont want to know 
Goodnight: Pfft. 
Faraday: Know what 
Goodnight: I believe he was refering to the “grundle” 
Faraday: Oh

Chapter Text

Vasquez: We know you well
Vasquez: Too well, I think sometimes
Faraday: Same
Faraday: I need to stop being an open book


Card: Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors, and there is ________
Winning Card: Me
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: That sounds scary
McCann: Sounds like a horror
Faraday: It does
Billy: Me?
Faraday: To open the door and see you standing alone, I don’t wanna scare you and end up six feet under
Billy: You've done plenty by now for me to put you six feet under.
Faraday: But..But You have not
Vasquez: I think Emma may be our group's professional at killing people in churches
Faraday: And Goodnight and Billy too
Red: What are you all going on about?
McCann: Death in a church
Faraday: Killin people in churches
Goodnight: Excuse me?
Faraday: I mean you guys were in a church. kinda
Billy: We did a very good job, Goody.
Goodnight: I'd rightly say so.
Goodnight: We did.
Red: Sam knows all about that. Does killing people from a church count?
Faraday: It does
Faraday: They did
Faraday: And I am good with explosives
Red: And that worked out great for you didn't it?
Faraday: Kinda
Vasquez: We all know that, showoff
Faraday: Yeah says the guy who dropped his cover


Card: With enough time and pressure, ______ will turn into ________
Winning Card: Whipping a disobedient slave, The mixing of the races
-Goodnight wins the round-
Billy: Goody.
Goodnight: I... uhm,,


Faraday: My cards are shit
Vasquez: Mine too
McCann: Same here


Card: The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an exhibit on ______
Winning Card: My dad’s dumb fucking face
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: I have no clue what that looks like


Card: In return for my soul, the Devil promised me ____, but all I got was _____
Winning Card: Treasures beyond your wildest dreams,  An erection that lasts longer than four hours
-Billy wins the round-
Vasquez: Dammit, Billy
Faraday: Damn
McCann: Billy is the only one without shit cards apparently


Card: In a world ravaged by _____, our only solace is _______
McCann: Is the powerful thighs you again Faraday
Faraday: No
McCann: Or is it the alcohol
Billy: Probably the explosions
Faraday: I cannot confirm that
Goodnight: Can't deny it either?
Faraday: I can
Faraday: ..Try to
Winning Card: Alcoholism, Explosions
-Faraday wins the round-
McCann: Nope
Goodnight: I had the thigh card.
Faraday: Ah thank you
Faraday: Who had the Alamo?
Billy: Me.
Vasquez: Faraday, you need help
McCann: So we can confirm then the powerful thighs card will either most likely be Goodnight or Faraday
Faraday: I didn't hear that what, Amigo?
Vasquez: So the explosion damaged your hearing too?
Vasquez: YOU
Vasquez: NEED
Vasquez: HELP
Goodnight: Pfft.
Red: And the rest of us don't? Have you even been paying attention
Faraday: God damn! Now it’s damaged
Vasquez: I think most of you can see Faraday probably needs it more
Faraday: I don't need help
McCann: That is a big sign and indication that you need help
Faraday: No its not
Vasquez: It is
Red: You need help. You all need serious help
Faraday: Is this an intervention?
Vasquez: Yes
Faraday: I don't wanna talk about my feelings
Vasquez: Have a few drinks, that'll get you started
Red: None of us do
Faraday: Red's on my side?
Red: I hate this idea
Faraday: I do too buddy


Card: Finally! A service that delivers _____ right to your door
First Card: The placenta
Faraday: That first one sounds weird


-Billy wins the round-
-Billy wins the whole game-
Faraday: He won
Billy: You sound surprised.
Goodnight: Well done, cher.
Billy: Thank you.
Faraday: I'm not
Red: I have given up on being surprised by you people
Faraday: As you should be. Next round?
McCann: You say it as if any of us have ever surprised you
Red: You're right. You’ve never


Card: Coming to Broadway this season, ______: The Musical
Faraday: Ohh look Red
Faraday: You are God
Red: Damn right I Am God
Winning Card: The hardworking Mexican
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: Vasquez the musical
McCann: What would that musical even be like
Faraday: Not sure
Red: It would be like exactly what it sounds like
Faraday: Yeah, maybe


Goodnight: It is certainly not my night.
Faraday: Aww
Faraday: Maybe it will be later? *nuges with elbow*
Billy: I did win.


Card: In a world ravaged by _____, our only solace is _______
Winning Card: Shaquille O’Neal’s acting career, Ethan Hawke’s Ass
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: That man does have a wonderful ass.
Red: Billy, what is your opinion on that matter?
Faraday: He looks like you
Red: You think so?
Billy: I have to agree with Goody on that one.
Faraday: Think there are twins or whatever of the rest of us?
Billy: I hope you don't have a twin.
McCann: Amen to that
Faraday: Me?
Faraday: No it
Faraday: I mean it'd be great
Goodnight: Dear Lord. I hope not.
McCann: One of you is enough
Faraday: Ohh come on guys
Goodnight: The world can only handle one.
Faraday: It can handle two
McCann: It can NOT handle two
Faraday: Sure whatever you say


-Faraday wins the round-
Faraday: Ohh. We are tied
-McCann wins the round-
Faraday: Ah Hell
McCann: Not anymore


Faraday: Can it get more to shit then now?
Goodnight: What now?
Faraday: The world


Card: Members of New York’s social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience ______
Winning Card: A lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: OW
Goodnight: Christ
Faraday: The hell is that
Faraday: Like a snapping turtle?
Goodnight: ....No.
Faraday: Oh good, but not good
Billy: Fish thing.
Goodnight: It's like a worm with teeth.
Faraday: Can we eat i-...Can we shoot it?
Goodnight: You want to eat t?
Faraday: No
McCann: Is that your first reaction to every animal
Faraday: Maybe
Goodnight: What in the world is wrong... No. Forget it.
Faraday: Survival Goody
Faraday: You have to eat to live
Goodnight: Why would you be near a lamprey anyhow?
McCann: There are plenty of other non dangerous animals and food that you can eat to survive
Billy: We've survived long enough without your help.
Red: Survival of the fittest. The weak don't survive
Faraday: I don't know. And I have eaten a snake before
Red: Want to try it?
Goodnight: It...It's not..
Faraday: What
McCann: You can at least shoot a snake, are you gonna go shoot a fish
Goodnight: It is nothing like a snake.
Faraday: A snake is more like Chicken
Goodnight: How have you survived this long?
Faraday: I was showed how to
McCann: Pure stupidity
Red: Luck
Faraday: Why do you question it?
Faraday: Its not like I had the liberty of parents or anyone to show me much
Goodnight: I... Well...
Faraday: You well..?
Goodnight: Nothing. I have...nothing to say on that...
Faraday: Yeah...
McCann: Well since you have people now and not your own lone dumbass self, maybe you can ask help from them
Faraday: Why would I do that?
Goodnight: ....
Goodnight: I need a cigarette.
Faraday: You all pick on me
Faraday: Sorry
Billy: If he doesn't ask for help, maybe there'll be a day we don't have to worry about him.
McCann: Because I feel like anytime now I'm gonna see either Vasquez, Goodnight, Horne, or hell even Sam have an early death cause of your stupidity and craziness
McCann: Maybe that might spur you a little
Faraday: It does.. or it has
McCann: *raises a brow*
Faraday: I have a heart
Faraday: And a brain
Red: The question is: Do you use them?
McCann: Having those would require to think a little bit more about others and how they feel
Billy: And he wouldn't dare to get one of those people killed.
Faraday: I am not going to get anyone killed but myself
Goodnight: Hey, hey now.... Maybe...we all shouldn't jump on him like this...
Goodnight: Granted...he does deserve most of it... But...
McCann: *groans*
Faraday: I'd take a bullet for anyone here without thinking
Billy: You do everything like that.
McCann: "Without thinking"
Faraday: Hell I did take bullets for people
Goodnight: Billy...
Faraday: I did
McCann: A battle/war is a different story
Billy: I'll be good.
Red: You all, I swear
Faraday: Its not
Faraday: What Red'
Faraday: You are the only family, or close to, that I have
Red: Aren't you sweet
Goodnight: Red.
Red: What
Faraday: I was being sweet
Goodnight: I know it's in jest, but... Come on now.
Faraday: I'm gonna stop now.
Red: If that's what you want to call that
Goodnight: *sighs*
Faraday: Its fine Goodnight
Faraday: I'll be fine
Billy: Cigarette, Faraday?
Faraday: You would give me one? *surprised*
Billy: We can be civil.
Faraday: Alright. I'd like one
Faraday: Thanks
Billy: Better now, Goody?
Faraday: Dynamite
Goodnight: Much.


Card: What’s the next Happy Meal toy?
Winning Card: Chunks of dead prostitute
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: Dark
Goodnight: Well done again, cher.
Faraday: Wow, good game
Billy: Thank you.
McCann: Billy's on a roll
Faraday: He is


Card: During sex, I like to think about _______
Faraday: *rubs hands together* Okay bring them on
Winning Card: Party Mexicans
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: He brought it.
McCann: What a surprise
Billy: I think about that ass. (Another card)
Faraday: Its not
McCann: That was sarcasm dumbass
Faraday: Shit
Goodnight: Well. I'm flattered.


Card: During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into ____
Winning Card: Chris Pratt’s Thighs
-Red wins the round-
Faraday: The Hells a Chris Pratt?
Goodnight: Sounds like a disease.
Faraday: Sounds like a cool guy
McCann: Sounds like an asshole
Billy: I think I'd hate him.
Faraday: Why?
Billy: Pratt
Faraday: Ohh
Red: Sounds like "Crisp Rat"
Faraday: *snorts* Yeah


-Billy wins the round-
McCann: Damn
McCann: Wasted 2 cards
Goodnight: Well...
Faraday: Huh
Red: Sucks to be you McCann
Goodnight: Yet, he's in the lead
Faraday: He does suck
McCann: You suck more
Faraday: Suck what?
McCann: ...
Faraday: Yes?
Goodnight: Oh boy.
McCann: do you ever think before you speak
Faraday: No
Goodnight: Was this not the point of the conversation earlier?
Goodnight: Well..one point.
McCann: And you wonder why you make it easy to get teased
Faraday: Maybe
Billy: Don't start this again.
Faraday: Please


Card: Behind every powerful man is ______
Faraday: Texas
Winning Card: Texas
-McCann wins the round-
Red: Texas?
Billy: We met in Texas.
Goodnight: We did!
Faraday: Did we?
Billy: Not you.
Faraday: Never mind
Goodnight: Clearly he does not remember my riveting account on our meeting.
Billy: I don't know how.
Faraday: I forgot for a moment
Red: You were drunk most of the time\
Faraday: Truth


Card: And would you like those buffalo wings mild, hot, or ________?
Winning Card: Indescribable loneliness
-Faraday wins the round-
McCann: Wow
Faraday: Huh?
McCann: A little close to home there Faraday?
Faraday: A bit yeah
Goodnight: Pfft.
Faraday: Why I drink
Goodnight: ....Wow.


Goodnight: Seems we are tied, Joshua.
Faraday: We are
Red: Right at you McCann
-McCann wins the round-
Red: Fuck
McCann: Not anymore
Red: Clearly
Faraday: Hit him Red
Red: Gladly
McCann: Please dont
Red: And whys that?
Red: Yes. It's not like you have a pretty face to ruin
Faraday: He will mess you up
Goodnight: ...Damn.
Red: Thank you Faraday
Faraday: No problem
McCann: I'm worried less about my physical appearance and more of the possible life threatening painful injuries i may face
Red: Close enough
Faraday: They are painful
Goodnight: I am so grateful that I will never have to find out.


 

Card: What’s that sound?
Winning Card: A constant need for validation
-Faraday wins the round-
Goodnight: ...What's sadder? That you played that or that I picked that?
Faraday: Both
Red: Probably
Billy: That he played it.
Billy: Not you, Goody.
Faraday: Oh
Red: Nothing is his fault in your eyes
Faraday: Sorry
Billy: Maybe you should try harder.
Goodnight: Well... I thank you, but...
Faraday: I bet on Billy winning
-Billy wins the round-
-Red wins the round-
-Red wins the whole game-
Red: Well guess what Bitch
Faraday: I didn't see your points
Faraday: Congrats
Red: That was very and uncharacteristically mature of you
Faraday: Oh
Faraday: Well I take it back then
Goodnight: ....
Goodnight: *rubs temples*
Faraday: Or not
Faraday: Sorry Goody and Red
Goodnight: ....But... You're not?
Faraday: I am?
Red: Can I hit him again?
Goodnight: ...Are you?
Faraday: Yes? and no
Goodnight: ......Okay
Red: He needs a good punch. Him and McCann
Faraday: Okay
Faraday: I don't
McCann: Please no

Chapter Text

Emma: I arrive for one of these aT LAST.


Emma: Who put that there
Emma: *squints at you all*
Emma: Who put horse meat there. I will fITE. after i eat it.
Billy: Probably Faraday.
Faraday: No
Billy: He causes problems.
Emma: Faraday.
Faraday: I was the knife
Emma:...Billy.
Billy: *lights a cigarette*
-Billy wins the round-


Faraday: Amuse me
Emma: Wanna hear a joke?
Faraday: Yes?
Emma: It's the story of your life :)
Faraday: Emma
Faraday: I am...Rude
Emma: No, you're Faraday.
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: I wasted my thigh card
Emma: Your thighs are quite...
Emma: Magnificent.
Faraday: Why thank you
Emma: A dollop of sour cream... if you know what I mean.
Faraday: No?
Emma: Of all people, Faraday doesn't know what I mean.
Faraday: You wanna dress my thighs up Emma?
Emma: I hereby revoke your 'world's greatest lover' title.
Faraday: You can't do that
Emma: Too late. It's removed. Your thighs can stay, your title can't.
Billy: I don't think you ever had that title.
Faraday: I do
Faraday: And no Emma
Emma: He self-proclaimed it.
Faraday: I did


Emma: Oh boy
Emma: Ahhh I've got two good ones for this.
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: Once again, Dominating this, cher.
Emma: So is that what you two get up to?
Billy: Sometimes.
-McCann has joined the game-
McCann: What's up losers
Faraday: Ohhh god
McCann: Thought you were rid of me weren't you Faraday
Faraday: Yeah kinda
Emma: We'd kinda hoped.
Faraday: Red is not here and..now you are and ugh
McCann: That stoppped being able to be true when you didn't let me die
Faraday: WHo me?
McCann: You, all of you, Vasquez, everybody, whoever *shrugs*
McCann: Hell if I know
Faraday: Don't blame him
Emma: Not me
Emma: I ain't takin' responsibility for you.


Faraday: Hey a card for Sam
Faraday: He is this card


Goodnight: You're pretty good at this, Miss Emma.
Faraday: I am shocked
Emma: Why thank you, Mr Robicheaux.
Emma: You know, you're not so bad yourself.
Faraday: WHo me?
Emma: Hell no. Goodnight.
McCann: Shit Faraday's winning?
McCann: That's not goood
Faraday: HA!'
Emma: Can it McCann.
Faraday: And Emma cursed
Emma: Suppose I should say McCannot...
Goodnight: I must admit I'm off my game tonight... I'm a bit distracted.
McCann: Fuck off Cullen
Faraday: Why is that?
Emma: I would but your boss killed my husband, and I'd rather not touch any of these guys.
Faraday: We are tied again
McCann: Gross I didn't need to know that
Goodnight: I don't wish to ruin the game, I'll share later on.
Faraday: Aww
Emma: Next time don't ask, McCannot.
McCann: I didn't ask, that's the thing
Emma: Maybe not, but you did do the next best thing.


Card: As part of his contract, Prince won’t perform without _____ in his dressing room
Winning Card: Ass to mouth
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: Good lord, Billy.
Faraday: Right? I am with Goodnight
Emma: I thought Billy was with Goodnight...
Emma: Or is there something I'm not aware of?
Faraday: No in..NO
Faraday: In agreement
Emma: *laughing*
Billy: Faraday is not allowed.
Faraday: I know I wasn't *holds hands up*
Goodnight: I do believe I just threw up in my mouth at the thought.
Faraday: Same! You are like a brother
Emma: Where else would you throw up, Mr. Robicheaux?
Goodnight: ...On the floor?
Billy: Out of his mouth.
Goodnight: In a bucket?
Goodnight: The toilet?
Faraday: On a house?
Emma: On a house?
Faraday: I have done that
Goodnight: In a bush outside a friend's house?
Emma: Jesus wept.
Faraday: On a tree
Faraday: In the lake
Emma: I hope not on your horse.
Faraday: Uhhh
Emma: FARADAY.
Faraday: Yes?
Goodnight: I do believe the lady has the gotten the point.
Emma: If you have thrown up on your horse, I'm going to shoot you in the foot. Or elsewhere.
Faraday: I have seen it all
Faraday: And it wasn't on him
Emma: Where is your 'worlds greatest lover' mug? I'm destroying it.
Faraday: Hidden
Emma: All right. Whoever finds me Faraday's world's greatest lover mug gets ten seconds to run next time they piss me off.
Emma: Faraday not included.
Faraday: YOU WILL NEVER Find it....Never
Emma: I'll make it 20 seconds.
Faraday: *hisses* No
Emma: 30 seconds to run for a mug...
Faraday: I will shoot you
Emma: Try me, Faraday.
Faraday: Its a gift how dare you
Emma: You do not live up to your title. I'm going to put it on my husband's grave.
Faraday: .....I will steal it back
Emma: You can try.
Faraday: You have to find it first and by then I will have hidden it so even I cannot find it
Emma: Oh hey, what's this in your underwear drawer?
Faraday: A gun
Goodnight: ....I believe I need a cigarette....
Emma: A very nice gun... Is this Maria or Ethel?
Faraday: I swear if you find it before I give it away...and neither
McCann: I think I need a drink
Faraday: They don’t leave my side sweetheart
Emma: That's what you think, Mr Faraday.
Faraday: It is
Faraday: I am giving the mug away
Faraday: So you know
Faraday: I need a drink too, damn
Billy: To one of us.
Faraday: Yes
-Billy wins the round-
Goodnight: Once again, cher. Very well.
Billy: Thank you, Goody.


Card: Before I run for president, I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with ________
Faraday: President Faraday
McCann: That's a horrible idea
Faraday: Is not
Billy: Does not have a ring to it.
Faraday: Does too
Emma: A bad one.
Faraday: No
Goodnight: More like a loud ring of a gong
Faraday: Lies
Billy: I would not vote for you.
Emma: 'President Faraday sends planet into World War 76. Is there anything else to fight?'
Faraday: You would because I will help you Vas and Red
McCann: Help with what
Faraday: The bounties and such
Billy: I don't need help.
Emma: Billy doesn't need help.
Goodnight: Billy doesn't need help.
Faraday: Well Vas does
McCann: Do they look like they need help
Billy: I'll help Vas.
Faraday: Also kinda me
Faraday: By killing the guys?
Billy: It won't be the first time.
Faraday: True, very true


Card: Hi MTV! My name is Kendra, I live in Malibu, I’m into _____, and I love to have a good time
Winning Card: Being a dick to children
-McCann wins the round-
Goodnight: Shocker that that is your card, McCann,
Faraday: He is a dick to Children
Emma: You could have stopped at 'He is a dick'
Faraday: Or just "dick"
Emma: We save that one for you, actually.
Emma: Or, more accurately, 'you're not 100% a dick


Card: I went to the desert and ate of the peyote cactus. Turns out my spirit animal is ______
Winning Card: The moist, demanding chasm of his mouth
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: Eww moist
McCann: Jesus christ
Goodnight: Well....
Goodnight: Did you know I'd pick that one, cher?
Faraday: Hmm..
Billy: I figured.
Goodnight: Very nicely done.
Billy: I do know you.
Goodnight: This is true.
Faraday: There goes my teeth
Emma: You're not supposed to bite, Faraday.
Faraday: No they are rotting because Goody and Billy'
Emma: Sure, yes, of course.
Goodnight: Was that really rot worthy?
Faraday: Yes
Billy: We can do better.
Emma: Please do.
Faraday: Yes


Card: This is the way the world ends\This is the way the world ends\Not with a bang but with  ______
Faraday: No it ends with a bang
Winning Card: Snorting coke off a clown’s boner
-Goodnight wins the round-
Goodnight: Pfft.
Faraday: Yes?
Faraday: I am funny
Emma: Funny looking...
Faraday: To you maybe


Card: The CIA now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to ______
Winning Card: Ethan Hawke’s ass
-Faraday wins the round-
Goodnight: It is just that glorious.
Billy: You have no idea.
Faraday: Hmm
Emma: It's not that bad. I must say Sam's is better, though.
Faraday: What..?
McCann: ......
Goodnight: *overdramatic gasp*
Billy: Goody, I told you.
Faraday: Em I thought.....But Teddy....Ohh god no wonder he drinks
McCann: I could drink right now honestly
Emma: You thought what?
Goodnight: Well...I...
Billy: Didn't listen to me.
Faraday: You and Teddy were a thing?
Goodnight: I just....
Goodnight: I mean...
Goodnight: Oh, Lord.
Faraday: Not being mean but
Faraday: Poor lover boy
Emma: Sweet Jesus to Joseph, no
Emma: Teddy is... too much of a teddy.
Faraday: And...?
Emma: Not enough of a bear, if you catch my drift.
Faraday: You want a Matthew not a Teddy
Faraday: Or a Sam
Goodnight: *blocks ears*
McCann: I’m not drunk enough for this
Emma: Or a Sam. Or a Red. I'd say Horne, even, but... A little too much of a bear. I like a little bit of human.
Emma: More than a little- I'd only get more bear than human with Horne.
Goodnight: Billy. Billy. All the cigarettes.
Faraday: CAn I have one?
McCann: Who has alcohol in here
Emma: It wouldn't even be like a human. You've been around him more than I have, he's probably got enough hair to be mistaken for a bear.
Faraday: I am surprised me or Vas are not on the list
Billy: Goody, you didn't listen to me.
Goodnight: Billy, please.
Goodnight: Now is not the time.
Goodnight: Everything I know is a lie.
Emma: Although! On a scale of ass greatness
Emma: Billy takes the cake.
Goodnight: ....
Billy: ...
Faraday: Emma
McCann: ...
Emma: Am I wrong?
Faraday: That is a Married Man
Faraday: and Goody would know
Emma: I am Just Looking, not Touching
Emma: Consider, my good Faraday;
Emma: Billy uses knives, yes?
Emma: The rest of you just stand around shooting at people.
Faraday: Yeah.
Emma: Billy has to get up close and personal, therefore he has to move more.
McCann: Who wants to get absolutely pissed hammered tonight and feel the consequences the next morning
Faraday: Me
Goodnight: ....
Faraday: Me McCann
Emma: Therefore, his ass is going to be a good amount of muscled and pert because of it.
Billy: Here's that cigarette, Goody.
McCann: Cause I’m prepared to drink myself to oblivion right now
Faraday: Give me all the drinks
Emma: You just can't handle the truth.
Faraday: What truth?
Emma: Billy's ass is the best ass.
Faraday: Billy is so quiet
Faraday: Are you drunk Em?
Emma: Not at all. Would a drunk woman be able to do this?
Faraday: Emma is drunk
Emma: Am not!
Faraday: Lies
Faraday: And I am a drinker so I would know
Goodnight: Now
Emma: You lie. You lie like a rug. I do not lie.
Emma: Goody.
Emma: Billy has the best ass, yae or nae?
Goodnight: With all the truth your earlier statements hold, I'd appreciate it if you looked somewhere else.
Emma: I look everywhere, my good man.
Faraday: Good thing Red is not here
Emma: No ass is safe from my eyes, just my hands.
Emma: Red's ass gives Billy's contest.
McCann: ....
Faraday: Jack would have a cow
McCann: Faraday
Faraday: Yes?
Faraday: What is it?
McCann: You, me, the saloon, a shitton of bottles of alcohol, and our damndest to forget this whole conversation that happened tonight
Faraday: Deal
McCann: Goodnight and Billy, you're welcome to join
Faraday: Yes
Emma: You guys are the worst.
Billy: I...think I'd like that.
Goodnight: Me too.
Faraday: Emma. Not so much
Faraday: No offense
Faraday: I need to forget stuff
Emma: Absolutely the worst.
Faraday: And I feel sick
Faraday: *fake gag noise*
Faraday: Sorry Emma no offense to you and Sam. I can see that just
Faraday: WOW
Faraday: And my thighs
Emma: If it makes you feel better, your thighs are second to none.
Faraday: Oh?
McCann: .......
Goodnight: .............
Faraday: With dressings you mean
Emma: Sure.
Billy: Not even mine from all the running you seem to think I do?
Goodnight: BILLY
Faraday: *snorts and chokes on drink*
McCann: I change my mind
McCann: I’m drinking myself to death
Emma: Billy, you've got the ass. Or at least one of them. Leave some body parts for someone else to have!
Emma: You know what?
Goodnight: I will have the rest of Billy, thank you very much.
Emma: Billy's got the ass, Faraday has the thighs, and Red has the arms.
McCann: jesus chrisT
Emma: If I could just... Take a little from each of you... I could make the perfect man..
Faraday: *still coughing,teary eyed* Dear lord
Emma: Maybe even better than my husband. That McCannot's boss killed.
Goodnight: Could we please leave Billy's ass out of the equation?
Emma: If I'm making the perfect man, no.
Faraday: Because I am fearful
Billy: She's going to make the thing from your book, Goody.
Goodnight: Oh Lord.
Billy: The one from all the people parts.
Faraday: Guys I cannot breathe
McCann:  Breathe Faraday
Emma: In through the nose, out through the mouth Faraday.
Faraday: *sucks in some air rubbing eyes* Ouch
Faraday: I thought Red kicking my ass was bad...but
Emma: So... Faraday.
Faraday: What?
Emma: I take it... You've not got a lot of... Practice with holding your breath from Vas?
Faraday: Huh?
McCann: *chokes on drink*
Billy: Goody, we need to leave.
Goodnight: *raises eyebrow* Oh boy
Faraday: What..what does that mean?
Emma: You uh
Faraday: I?
Emma: Dont really lose your breath when you're... with him?
Faraday: No..?
Faraday: WHy?
Emma: That's a shame.
Faraday: Why?
Emma: It's part of the FUN.
Goodnight: Joshua.... she means...if you and Vas...are doin' it....
Faraday: Emma how do..No I don't wanna know
Emma: Vas is pretty small, isn't he?
McCann: Faraday
Billy: Goody!
Goodnight: WHAT
Faraday: WHY SAY THAT?
Billy: Don't encourage her!
Emma: So he is!
Goodnight: OH SHE GOT ON YOU. SHE CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. HELL ELSE, I CARE.
Faraday: He is not..God
Faraday: Why assume that
Goodnight: Emma, they're not fuckin'.
McCann: All at once I'm glad Red is not here
McCann: Because he'd definitely encourage it
Faraday: SO AM I
Faraday: AND WE ARE NOT
Emma: *squints*
Goodnight: They ain't.
Faraday: I am freaking out here help me
Emma: That explains the lack of long breath holding, I suppose.
Faraday: Why do you care?
Goodnight: Wow.
Emma: Well, I like to see my friends happy. And satisfied.
Emma: And not drunk.
Faraday: Help me Goody I need some good stuff
Billy: This is why we shouldn't help him.
Billy: No.
Faraday: No
Faraday: Please
McCann: I need some more alcohol
Goodnight: I need a lot more than that.
Faraday: And I know he is not small because...Guys just know that
McCann: NOT HELPING FARADAY
Emma: OH HOOO.
Faraday: Kill me
Faraday: What
McCann: Gladly
McCann: We can both kill each other off
Faraday: Good
Emma: Faraday's already died once, let's not do that again.
Faraday: And it was so damn peaceful
Faraday: Till the doctors woke me
McCann: Same
Emma: I get no respect 'round here. Just tryin' to help friends get friends and instead I get complaints.
Goodnight: Looks like we could tie, cher
Faraday: AND one would know how big a friend is because of Travel and bathroom breaks you just...look.
Emma: Faraday...
Emma: I'm pretty sure...
Faraday: You wanna make a man using us
Emma: Friends don't peer at friends dicks.
Billy: I did.
Billy: We're not friends anymore.
Goodnight: ....Yeah they do.
Faraday: They do if they are curious
Emma: Is that how you and Goody got together?
Emma: Oh good lord.
Faraday: Also Billy we are tied
Emma: See the direction you're heading in Faraday?
Faraday: No and I don't care
Card: Tonight on 20/20: What you don’t know about _____ could kill you
Winning Card: A peyote-fueled vision quest
-Billy wins the round-
Faraday: That is what Emma is on
McCann: There are such things as size competition sometimes
Faraday: Exactly
Goodnight: Why is everyone so interested in how we got together, Billy?
Emma: Faraday is in denial
Faraday: About?
Billy: I like keeping them in suspense.
Goodnight: It is fun.
Faraday: Ohh lord
Faraday: I am halfway up shits creek
Card: Don’t forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will officially become “_____ Friday”
Winning Card: Butt stuff
-Billy wins the round-
Emma: A hah... Looks like we've got a three way goin' on.
Faraday: NO
McCann: JESUS
Goodnight: BILLY RUN
Billy: Goody...
Faraday: RUN
Billy: Help
Billy: I need the help now.
Emma: HA.
Emma: Ahhhahahahaaa
McCann: RUN LIKE YOUR FUCKING LIFE DEPENDS ON IT ROCKS
Billy: BUT SHE LIKES IT WHEN I RUN!
Goodnight: FUCK
Emma: THAT IS TRUE.
McCann: THEN GET ON A HORSE AND RIDE
McCann: GROW A PAIR OF WINGS I DON'T FUCKING CARE
Faraday: We gotta get outta town guys
Goodnight: ...
Faraday: Crawl on the floor
Faraday: Fucking become a snake
Emma: *falling over laughing*
Goodnight: Pffffft
Emma: Wiggle dat ass, Faraday
Faraday: No. its my ass and I will not *hiccups* Be wiggling it
Emma: if you become a snake you will be!
Faraday: I am a fox
Faraday: Not a snake
Faraday: *sticks tongue out*
Emma: So... a red ass... from someone smacking it?
Faraday: Who smacked it
McCann: WHY ARE YOU SPURRING HER ON FARADAY
Faraday: I AM NOT
McCann: YOU JUST DID EVEN MORE
Billy: YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE
Faraday: Help
Faraday: We need someone sober
Billy: We're abandoning you
Faraday: NOOOOOOO
Faraday: Mom dad don't leave me
Emma: Faraday likes being spurred?
Emma: By a cock, maybe?
Goodnight: MISS EMMA
McCann: Faraday, I’m asking this very nicely from the bottom of my slowly dying heart
McCann: Please shut the fuck up
Emma: ROOSTERS ARE A THING, GOODY
Faraday: I can't
Billy: I'm not asking
Billy: Shut the fuck up
Faraday: *disgruntled noises*
McCann: CLEARLY YOU WERE NOT MEANING ROOSTERS WOMAN
Emma: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? ALL I SAID WAS COCK. I NEVER SAID WHAT TYPE.
-Goodnight wins the round-
-Goodnight wins the whole game-
Faraday: Goody won
McCann: He was on that 9 for a long time
Goodnight: I was.
Emma: Oh hooh...
Emma: 9? Inches?
Emma: Oh, the points.
McCann: WOMAN
Goodnight: MISS EMMA
Billy: Goody...
Faraday: *covers ears*
Goodnight: ....cher?
Emma: CALL ME A WOMAN ONE MORE TIME AND I'M GONNA WOMAN YOUR ASS, MCCANNOT
Billy: I need you to grab my chair
Billy: And pull us out of here
McCann: DO IT THEN
McCann: IT'D PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
Emma: Oh that’s what you think sweetheart
Emma: Let's do this
Goodnight: Gladly
Emma: MISTER I'LL MAKE A (WO)MAN OUT OF YOU
Faraday: *gets up to leave slowly* Nope...nope
McCann: *sprints out* I’m outta here
Faraday: Too drunk for this *stumbles on the way out*
McCann: The saloon is waiting for me
Emma: *chases* THIS IS FUCKIN ON, MCCANNOT
Goodnight: *grabs Billy's chair and drags away*

Chapter Text

Red: And who’s fault is that?
Faraday: Emma’s
Billy: Emma won't be here, will she?
Vasquez: Faraday, you're a mess
Goodnight: Honestly, do we have to tell him that?
Faraday: I am
Faraday: I am not sorry
McCann: VASQUEZ YOU WOULD BE A DRUNKEN MESS TOO IF YOU WENT THROUGH THE SHIT WE WENT THROUGH LAST NIGHT
Vasquez: Oh my
Faraday: Shall we begin?
Goodnight: It...was quite a night.
Vasquez: I was sleeping. I think maybe I was fortunate to have missed it
Faraday: You were
Faraday: We had to defend you, Red and Sam
Red: If I hit him now, can we lie about it in the morning?
Goodnight: I'm not helping you out this time, Joshua.
Vasquez: Be honest, Goodnight, when's the last time you helped Faraday out?
Faraday: What why?
Goodnight: ...I was on his side last night
Goodnight: Sort of.
Billy: He did call us Mom and Dad.
Faraday: Ohh I called you mom and dad...sorry
McCann: I think after Emma, we were all in agreement for once
Vasquez: Dios mio, I really did miss something interesting, didn't I?
McCann: You should be glad you missed it
Goodnight: Miss Emma...did go far with certain comments.
Vasquez: McCann, put a card in.
Faraday: She did
Red: Do you think Goody and Billy are your parents Faraday?
McCann: Way too far
Billy: I'll say


Faraday: Hi Sam
Goodnight: Pffft
Vasquez: Welcome to the chaos, Sam
McCann: Oh god
Faraday: Shit


Card: Having problems with ____? Try _____!
Winning Card: Making the penises kiss, The homosexual agenda
-Sam wins the round-
Faraday: Sam
Vasquez: Well-played


Vasquez: So
Vasquez: How's that hangover feeling, Faraday?
Faraday: Like hell
Goodnight: Last night was Hell.
Red: Probably deserved it
Faraday: Or my head is going to explode
Vasquez: Probably
Faraday: No
Faraday: Nope
Goodnight: Eh...
Faraday: Emma wanted to cut me up so
McCann: I think I say this for everyone but
McCann: For once
McCann: I think we actually didn't deserve the hell we went through last night
Billy: She liked my ass.
Goodnight: .....
McCann: That was horrifying
Faraday: And Red's arms
Billy: She wanted to build Goody's book monster.
Goodnight: Let's not get back on that, shall we?
Red: Who’s ass did she not like?
-Vasquez wins the round-
Red: Who wouldn't like my arms
Sam: Well played Vas
Faraday: She likes Billy's and yours but Billy's more
Faraday: And Vas' Junk
McCann: Please let's not bring that up again
Red: Well Fuck you Billy
Faraday: Whoa hostile much?
Billy: Is he challenging me?
Billy: I can stab him.
Goodnight: Billy...
Faraday: We need Red, he is a baby
Card: What killed my boner?
Winning Card: Seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes
-Vasquez wins the round-
McCann: ....
Sam: ...
Faraday: And wow
McCann: jeSUS
Red: Excuse me??
Vasquez: Just left for a moment and come back to find my junk being mentioned. You all need help
McCann: No, EMMA needs help
Faraday: Emma needs help
Faraday: And you heard me Red
Red: Go chase some dynamite why don't you
Billy: I understand a fight with Faraday.
Billy: But he's trying to fight me.
Faraday: Red
Red: I want to fight everyone
Goodnight: Please don't fight me.
Faraday: I am good
Billy: I'll fight him twice
Goodnight: Billy... no...
Sam: Nobody is fighting anyone!
Faraday: Well
Red: I already fought Faraday, that went beautifully
Faraday: I mean Red and I already fought
Faraday: My bruises hate you
Goodnight: Alright. You heard the man.
Goodnight: No fighting.
Red: Yes fighting
Billy: But Goody...
Goodnight: No.