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What If?

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Chapter 1: Hey - He's Better than Binns

Professor Riddle: The History Professor's Breakdown

Professor Riddle, long known as the deranged History Professor at Hogwarts, burst into the Great Hall, a smile on his face. The smile, didn't suit him, neither did the muggle clothes.

"You are all awesome."

Had it been any other teacher, bar Snape, it would probably be a compliment. Coming from Professor Riddle, it made even the bravest of students want to crawl and hide, scared for their life.

When the History of Magic lesson came around, only 10 out of 30 students showed up. They were Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle, and Daphne Greengrass.

Professor Riddle was snoring away at the Teacher's table so they decided to engage themselves in a game of truth or dare, not bothering to wake up their teacher.

30 minutes later and it was basically just Dare, Dare, or Dare. Hermione had been tasked with stealing a book from the Library's restricted section, kicking Filch's dirty little cat and kissing Professor Snape on the lips, tongue and all. Harry had to give Daphne a lap dance and throw dungbombs into Filch's office. Ron had to start a elf food fight in the kitchens, start a flash mob, and barf on Professor Umbridge. Draco had to write to his father stating that he had fallen in love with a goat, tell Professor McGonagall that he was as gay as Dumbledore and had kiss Myrtle. Neville, Pansy and Daphne all had to flood the dungeons, smack Dumbledore for 'Just Being Too Damn Awesome' and braid Professor Sinistra's hair. Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle had to exocise Peeves, kiss the Giant Squid and ask Hagrid to marry them (which Hagrid kindly refused)

Near the end of the lesson, about 5 minutes left, Professor Riddle woke up, told them that their homework would be to write about what they had done, due the following class. They were all done right as the bell rang.

He didn't pay any attention to the 1st year students, but told them to read about the Chamber of Secrets and explain why the hell the entrance is in the girl's bathroom and what the chamber's primary defense is. He started to see what they had done, tears piling up as he read the essays, and realized just how much fun they had had without them.

He dismissed his class late for lunch and stormed into the Great Hall screaming.


"You know, I've always said Riddle was deranged, this just proves it."

"I think we've all known this for years."

"Even though he's a teacher, even I have to say that if he hadn't become a teacher, he probably would of the Next Dark Lord."

"If he had, I bet he'd get 2 Special Services to the School. One for killing Myrtle. The other for accepting that he needs psychiatric help."

"Ron, there isn't a psychiatric hospital fit enough to contain Tom Riddle."

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Chapter 2: Everyone Wins! Except for Voldy

If Harry and Cedric were thinking the night of the 3rd Task...

When they touched down after grabbing the Tri-Wizard Cup, they took in their surroundings at once. "Did anyone tell you that the cup was a frickin' Portkey?" asked Cedric.


"Think this a part of the task?"

"Absolutely not."

"Reckon we should blow this popsicle stand?"

"Do you even need to ask?"


They walked over to where the cup had fallen. Right before touching it, they saw a man carrying a bundle. When the "baby" saw what they were doing, it yelled "KILL THEM!" Cedric simply said "See ya later shit lords!" before grabbing on, Harry doing the same.

He was so glad that Harry had introduced the Champions to the Muggle World and the Yogscast. And of course, YouTube.

Later that day, Voldemort could be found cursing everyone and everything while drinking buckets of firewhiskey at a time. "DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM AND THAT THEY WERE LOGICALLY THINKING! DAMN THE WORLD! DAMN THE HORCRUXES! DAMN NAGINI AND MOST OF ALL, DAMN YOU PETTIGREW!"

So Voldemort had Wormtail destroy all of the Horcruxes because what was the point of having them if you couldn't even get a body? Potter wouldn't be foolish again, now would he?

However, after the Horcruxes he knew about had been destroyed, the Killing Curse didn't work on him because of Harry's retched scar still having a piece of his soul residing in him. Harry had already told them that ol' Voldy was slightly depressed.

Of course everyone expected him to get out of his funk sooner or later so they created him a body and he "accidentally" blew up when he drowned in the cauldron. And somehow, the Horcrux in Harry's scar was depressed too and somehow destroyed itself.

Most of the Wizarding World never had to hear the name Voldemort had created again and Harry and Cedric became as close as brothers.

Sirius was cleared of all charges when Pettigrew turned himself in for not logically thinking.

It was a win-win for everyone but Voldemort.

Ron and Hermione got to together, Cho and Cedric, Ginny and Harry, Luna and Neville, Sirius and Amelia, Draco and Astoria, Pansy and nobody.

Life was good.

Therefore, Happily Ever After!

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Chapter 3: Nineteen Hogwarts Champions

It was the night everyone had been waiting for. Unknown to them, the TriWizard Tournament would soon have more than 3 people playing.

"Representing Durmstrang Institute of Wizardry is Viktor Krum!" Viktor stood up front and center behind Albus Dumbledore as he called the names. There was clapping but it was halfhearted for most.

"Representing Beauxbatons Academy for Ladies, is Fleur Delacour!" All the men in the room were clapping and the woman were slapping their men.

"And finally- representing Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Cedric Diggory!" The Hufflepuffs clapped loudly and the other house clapped, just not quite as loudly.

"I see that we have our ch-" started Mr. Bagman. The Goblet flared up again and Dumbledore snatched the paper from the air. "Representing the Salem Academy for Witches- Harry Potter!" The Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs burst out in laughter and Ron said "Harry, I thought you didn't enter.", slapping his shoulder. "I didn't, and certainly not under that school!"

"Zis is en outrage! Ogwarts cannot af too champions!" cried Madame Maxime. Professor Karkaroff nodded in agreement. "I'm afraid that until the Goblet stops spewing out names, I cannot do anything. Representing the Marauders School for Pranks and Mischief... Fred Weasley!"

Madame Maxime and Karkaoff stomped their feet so show their frustration but remained silent as the Goblet had given a new name.

"Representing the School of Magical Logic, Hermione Granger!" Hermione looked like Christmas had come early and she did some weird jig up to the front.

"Representing the School for- House Elves, yes I am reading that correctly, is Dobby!" Dobby popped in and said "I got in?" Dumbledore nodded gravely but Dobby, not caring a shit, yelled "I GOT IN!" And went to stand in the front with the others.

"Representing the School for Magical Bouncing Ferrets, Draco Malfoy!" While 3 of the Houses were clutching their stomachs in peals of laughter, Slytherin was congratulating him on his success.

"Representing the School for Rare Magical Creatures, Luna Lovegood!" Ravenclaw clapped politely as Luna ran up to the front. All of her friends cheered for her.

"Representing the Quidditch Academy for Girls, Cho Chang!" Cho screamed in excitement. All her friends and all the Quidditch Teams congratulated her except for a few Slytherins.

"Representing the Institution for the Care and Research of Magical Plants, Neville Longbottom!" All of Gryffindor cheered as he walked up to the front.

"Representing the Academy for Wizard's Pets, Trevor!" Pure and Utter silence that was cut with a RIBBET!

"Representing the Acadmey for Magical Photography, Colin Creevy!" Some of Gryffindor cheered while others politely clapped, not wanting him to get hurt.

"Representing the School of Fame,

Zacharias Smith!" Some Hufflepuffs cheered while others didn't because not a lot of people liked him very well.

"Representing the School for Dragons- that's interesting, it's a former student from here... Charlie Weasley!" The redhead burst in the hall and yelled, "Didja miss me?" To most of Gryffindor who replied in cheers.

"Representing the Quidditch Academy for Boys, it's Oliver Wood!" The Quidditch Team started jumping up and down and started reciting, by heart:

Okay men- and Women!

This is it! The big one.

The one we've been waiting been waiting for!

"Representing the School for Snobbishness and Big-Headedness, Percy Weasley! What a big surprise! Yet an another student that sadly no longer attends Hogwarts to pursue their career elsewhere."

"I'm actually not surprised he got it. The Goblet knows it's stuff." Said a very random student.

"Representing the Academy for Delivery Owls, Hedwig!" Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, Luna, and a few others clapped.

"Representing the School for Kneazles, Crookshanks!" The Orange furred feline came rushing in.

Madame Maxime moaned "When will it stop!"

"Representing the School for The Magical Culinary Arts, Ronald Weasley!" Ron jumped in the air.

"I haven't heard of half of these schools! Who are your Headmasters/Headmistresses?" asked Karkaoff.

Going down the list, Harry said "Alastor Moody."

"Remus Lupin"

"Severus Snape"


"My Father, Lucius Malfoy"

"My Daddy!"

"Gwenog Jones"

"Pompoa Sprout"

"RIBBET!" Umbridge

"Dennis Creevy"

"Gilderoy Lockhart"


"Angelina Johnson"

"George Weasley"

"SCREECH!" Fawkes

"MEOW!" Mrs. Norris

"Molly Weasley"

Madame Maxime and Igor Karkaroff, stormed out, outraged.

"And a wonderful Hogwarts prank solved. The Champions will be Viktor Krum, Fluer Delacour and Cedric Diggory."

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edwardianfred: So, a quidditch match at Hogwarts, right? Slytherin vs. Gryffindor (yeah, yeah obvious, I know, shut up) And all of a sudden there's STAMP STAMP CLAP from the Gryffindor muggleborns start singing/screaming WE WILL ROCK YOU across the pitch to the Slytherins. And theres a little pause while the muggleborn Slytherins (you know those f*ckers are there, don't deny it) have a really speedy chat, and then they retaliate with WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?! And the wizards are just standing there like what the f*ck is going on?

You have your normal Quidditch matches, your semi-normal Quiddtich matches and then you have your fight-to-the-death Quidditch matches. It's Gryffindor and Slytherin in this one, so try and guess which one this is. Hint, if you chose the first two, you are WRONG!

It might have been a semi-normal, at least until the singing started. And it wasn't Weasley is Our King because Malfoy was trying to get music for it.

Then, out of literately nowhere, the muggleborn Gryffindors started to sing:

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yo' face
You big disgrace
Kickin' your can all over the place

We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!

The beat was simple enough, just the STOMP, STOMP, CLAP that you could usually hear. The Slytherin muggleborns (which actually existed, surprising enough) could be seen conversing with each other very quickly before they started up a beat as well.

Who let the dogs out
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}

Everyone who did not know basically anything about the muggle world (Pure-bloods and some half-bloods raised in just the magical world) had the same looks of confusion on there faces, wondering what the hell was going on between the two groups of muggleborns.

The game eventually ended up being a tie, which nobody was too happy about.

niffernotniffox: An advanced muggle studies class delving into popular muggle culture like televison shows and internet memes. Muggleborns take it just so they can stay caught up on Doctor Who.

Hermione Granger was on her hands and knees pleading with Professor McGonagall. "PLEASE LET ME TAKE IT!"

"I'm sorry Miss Granger, but as you dropped the class in third year, trying for a NEWT in this class, without taking the OWLs for it, it's just not possible.

"What if I take the OWLs now for it?"
"I'll see what I can do."

"THANK YOU!" she said, running out of McGonagall's office. She ran through the corridors screaming "I CAN WATCH DOCTOR WHO AGAIN!"

And several people made the mistake of asking who Doctor Who was.

teacupwarrior: imagine that at the beginning of Dumbledore's speech at the beginning of the year he asks if anyone has any questions and a first year muggleborn raises his hand, whips out his smartphone and asks for the wifi password. And then Dumbledore just casually says "Sherbet lemon" with a capital S, and commences the feast like it's no big deal while the non-muggleborns think wifi is some sort of secret society.

"Now, are there any questions?"

A first year muggle-born Hufflepuff raised his hand and Dumbledore called on him. "Sir, what's the wifi password?" pulling out his smartphone that his parents had given to him before coming to Hogwarts. All the muggleborns who had smartphones pulled them out, even Hermione. "That would be sherbet lemon, with a capital S."

You could hear the keyboards clicking away. "I thought electronics didn't work at Hogwarts." Harry said. "I asked Professor Flitwick and Dumbledore to set up a ward I found. It enables muggle electronics to be used."

"Finally! I am so happy that I brought my laptop!" Harry cheered, writing down Sherbert lemon on a piece of parchment.

Around them, people were whispering, trying to figure out what wifi was.

(Headcanon Author Unknown) A Ravenclaw pureblood catching some muggleborns trying to say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards and thinks it some kind of weird secret spell. A week later, the muggleborns get approached by the Ravenclaw because he can't get the 'spell' to work, and he wants to know where they found it. To aid their explaination to the Ravenclaw pureblood, the muggleborns end up singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

"Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus!" cried one. "NO! It's Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus!"

"You're going to put someone's eye out. It's SuoicodilaipxecitsiliGARFILcrepus! Not SuoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilaCREPUS!" said one, quoting Hermione.

"Must be some weird spell." said a passing Ravenclaw. She noted that they were waving there wands around in a complicated pattern and she analysied each one of them. "Seems easy enough."

A week later...

"Hey, can you tell me where you got that really weird spell?" she asked. "Penelope, we... you know what? A one. A two. A one two three!"

It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious

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Chapter 5: The Great Hogwarts Flash Mob of 1995

The Greatest Hogwarts Flash-Mob...Ever

Hermione Granger was sitting in Charms class when the idea hit her like a dumb-bell. The Sorting Hat had warned everyone to band together, and considering that they were under the rule of the tyrant Umbridge (who, in Hermione's opinion, should be the picture in the dictionary for the word 'bitch'). Honestly, with her parents showing her movies like 'Pitch Perfect', 'Teen Beach Movie', 'Grease' and 'Descendants', it was hard to not realize that a musical flash-mob in a riff-off style, first one to drive Umbridge insane wins, would be the perfect way to get everyone to cooperate, and help take down Umbridge. Maybe a Defense club would have been the more influential way but she doubted that the whole school would participate.

So when she got back to the common room after charms, she was noticably quiet, as she was thinking of which songs. The notice boards would be the best way to spread it around and a charmed piece of parchment would ensure that the Teachers would never catch wind of it as nobody over the age of 18 could read it and those who could, would find themselves unable to tell any teachers about it. She thought the idea was quite genius.

Now, how to spread the idea through Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and even, dare she say it, Slytherin? The muggleborns in those houses would be a great help. She could use some help for Slytherin. Maybe Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis from her study group?

She smirked. She had the perfect plan.

When she went to check the sign up sheet, she saw out of the 200 Gryffindor students, 197 had chosen to sign up. The three who didn't were Apostolos Sanna (the weird 4th year kid who lived in Greece all his life before moving to England 5 years ago, who's name meant "Hay Messenger"), Vlasta Kohout (A 1st year who was born in Czechoslovakia but moved to England 6 months after she was born, her name meant "Rooster Rule") and Sanna Lindberg (who was Swedish and her name oddly meant "True Lime Tree Mountain". Basically it was everyone who had very weird names.

She collected the lists from Hufflepuff (and was pleased that everyone had signed up, even the Head Girl), Ravenclaw (where only Marrietta Edgecombe didn't sign up), and Slytherin (where she was pleased to see that everyone but Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and, shockingly, Blaise Zabini).

She handed out the appropriate songs and choreography to Justin Finch-Fletchley, Tracey Davis, and Mandy Brocklehurst. While they weren't as close as most people were, she knew them well from her study group and could trust them.

"See you Halloween." they all stated, before leaving for their common rooms. "It's going to be pretty fun."

Before the Halloween feast started, Hermione could be found pacing in her costume. All the costumes that people were wearing were charmed to where they would look like regular robes until it was time for the flash-mob. Surprisingly enough, it was Lavender who was able to calm her down. "You've done a great job, Hermione. I don't think any of this would be possible without you."

"Thanks Lavender."

"Hey, Gryffindors are family, blood related or not, you're my sister."

At this, Hermione hugged her, tightly, like a sister.

Lavender then said, "Come on, we've got a feast to dance at."

"It's been a wonderful 2 months so far, and I'm very glad to say that I feel like we've improved-" was what Professor Umbridge was saying to open the feast. Everyone who was pissed off with her (which was everyone, even Dumbledore) rolled her eyes at her. Discretely.

After 15 minutes, while many were munching away on their treacle tart, the music started, and the opening number with the Slytherins, "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj (Hermione thought a dance as appaling as this one would start the flash-mob off with the desired shock). It was led by Millicent Bulstode and Pansy Parkinson and 8 others, including Tracey Davis, Daphne Greengrass, and Astoria Greengrass. They copied most of what was happening during the first minute of the video. They were dressed in the same outfit that was worn for the beginning.

After they were finished, all the teachers were appalled at the proactive dancing that had just occurred. They all sat down as if nothing happened. Umbridge was the first to speak, "30 points from Slytherin, and quite honestly, it should be more. All of you will have detention with me tomorrow for 1 week." None of them cared, even if they had to use the torturous quill.

The next number was the 7th year Slytherin boys against the 7th year Gryffindor girls. They started to sing songs from the Pitch Perfect riff-off, like "Hey Mickey", "Like a Virgin", "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and then the more inappropriate songs. The Hufflepuff 7th years did "Like a Virgin".

Then the 199 members of Ravenclaw started singing "ABC" by the Jackson 5 and did it in a Glee fashion.

All the houses lost points from Umbridge but with so many, she couldn't give out detention to all of them. At this point, all the teachers were smiling. But soon, the numbers ran out and it caused people to start improvising. All of Gryffindor got up and sang "Thriller" by Michael Jackson, and the 5th year Hufflepuffs started to sing "Voldemort is Going Down". The 1st years started to sing a weird mash up of the Gummy Bear song and Peanut Butter Jelly Time. The Slytherins started singing "Dark Lord Funk". The Hufflepuffs sang "Loser Like Me" from Glee. The whole school sang "Ganguam Style".

In the end, Umbridge was in such a rage that her face was swelled purple. "EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED IN THESE SILLY DANCES HAS LOST 50 POINTS FOR THEIR HOUSE." she promptly passed out. She was muttering and ended up having to go to St. Mungos.

The whole school won the contest and Hermione was presented with a Special Services to the school for overcoming the House Boundries. Every house was gifted 100 points per student, racking the points so high, it was well over the hundred thousands.

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Chapter 6: Muggles Have Their Uses Sometimes

Voldemort had just killed Lily Potter. Now, he was going to kill her son.

But, as she was quite exceptional in charms, and probably found a way to kill him if he tried to kill her son, she probably found some type of ancient spell or something.

He raised his wand at the crying child. No... he rather not be reduced to a shadow.

He leviated the child, with a quick Windgardium Leviosa! and opened the window with his free hand. They were up two stories, and there was absolutely no chance of a 15 month old baby surviving that fall.

He canceled the charm, and Harry Potter fell, down to the crown, screaming. He grinned wickedly. Who knew that a muggle way of doing things, would actually bring and end to his possible nemesis?

He walked out of the house, grabbing a knife (just in case), and walked over to the fallen child. It was still, and it's head was leaking blood. It had fallen on a stone, right on the edge.

He conjured a piece of parchment, and left a note, before stabbing it with the knife.

This is what happens, when you don't join Lord Voldemort.

I offered them the chance to join me, as I do everyone. If you don't want this to happen to you, I suggest you accept my offer. Escepecially if you want your family name to survive.

A few years later, Voldemort had won, and became Minister of Magic.

He was happy, because a little common sense, even if meant using crude, muggle ways, could go a far way.

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Chapter 7: Voldemort: The Hero

Harry kept on turning to the door.

Umbridge noticed this of course, and asked - "Mr. Potter... why do you keep on looking at the door?"

"I'm waiting for Voldemort to arrive ma'am."

Hermione shouted incredulously, "Did you just show respect to a toad?"


"Good!" shouted Draco. "Nobody likes that bitch anyways." Apparently, he knew what was about to happen.

"Voldemort is dead." replied Umbridge. "He cannot show up on the grounds even if he was alive."

"Just go and crush my dreams, why don't ya?" Harry said, pouting and crossing his arms furiously. Suddenly the door flung open, with Voldemort wearing a very disturbing Santa dress and hat and was carrying a giant candy cane as a walking stick.

"You better watch out and hide in a hole, cuz I'll reach down your throat and swallow your soul, Voldemort is coming to town!"

That's when things got interesting. Not that it wasn't already interesting, it just got more interesting.

"AVADA KEDVARDA!" yelled Voldemort, pointing the candy cane at Umbridge, who just looked in shock at Voldemort. She dropped to floor dead, and everyone cheered.

Basically from that point on, Voldemort was announced a temporary hero at Hogwarts, he shook hands with Dumbledore and Harry agreed not to call him Tom until after New Years.

And Umbridge was dead.

And they were happy.

Chapter Text

It was that awful time of year again.

The Yule Ball.

Apparently, the Hogwarts Staff didn't learn anything from Fourth Year's Yule Ball. So they decided You know what? Let's torture everyone by doing it again!

And this time, they were picking the dates.

Yeah. Idiotic.

But apparently teachers wanted to play matchmaker and were determined to get their favorite couples together.

And then the Ministry of Magic got involved and said that they were enacting a marriage law - and anyone who had the misfortune of not getting their preferred date was going to be stuck with that person after graduation for the rest of their lives.

Apparently, the Ministry wanted to play matchmaker too.

And, to increase the anxiety levels, you didn't know who you were going with, until you got to the ball and they announced it to the entire populace.

Every fifth year and older was to go.

So this is why, everyone was in their dress robes, pulling at the very uncomfortable clothes in an effort to be comfortable.

Tough luck, bitches.

"Alright! Listen up! We shall now announce the wonderful new couples!" A cheerful blonde ministry employee said. "Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley!"

That relationship would end divorce.

"Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom!"
That would last. Most likely forever too.

"Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!"


The platinum blond and raven haired teens fainted, most likely gaining a concussion in the process.

"Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas."

OTP, much?

"Ginny Weasley and Blaise Zabini!"

At least it was one of the nicer Slytherins?

"Lavender Brown and Vincent Crabbe!" The two ghosts huffed in annoyance.

Some people awed. One shouted, "THE TWO DEAD ONES! A PERFECT PAIRING!"

"Pavarti Patil and Gregory Goyle." Pavarti wrinkled her nose in disgust.

This went on for a while.

Several tears happened. Rotten tomatos and other fruit and vegetables were thrown at the blonde.

The Marriage Law was later repealed.

Apparently some people couldn't handle the pairings and had mental breakdowns. Like Pansy Parkinson, when she paired with Millicent Bulstrode - apparently she was allergic to cats.

Theodore Nott didn't like being paired with Cho Chang. Apparently, she was too shallow for his tastes.

Though on the bright side, Dean and Seamus got married.

They were the only ones that did though, other than Hermione and Ron (But it ended with divorce!)

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The Great Hogwarts Flash Mob of 1976

Sirius Black absolutely loved Muggle London.

For one - his parents absolutely hated anything muggle related. Two - it was going through the greatest phase of all time. The Punk Phase. Sirius often hung out with his three best friends - James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew - in the many restaurants, and even bars that lined the streets.

And today, a week before they were to go back to Hogwarts - they were sitting in one of them. It had loud music, a lot of waiters and waitresses with neon colored hair and so many piercings, it probably wasn't too healthy for them. "Where's Peter?" asked Sirius as James and Remus sat down in the chairs Sirius had reserved for them.

"He's at home, sick. Apparently he won't be able to be at school for the first few weeks due to it." James said. "So our returning prank will just have to be pulled without him." He sighed. "But the thing is, I don't know what to do for it. Peter usually is the one who makes the comments that inspire our pranks. He's like the glitter in glitter glue."

"Well - you know that song that just came out by the Sex Pistols?" Sirius asked. "What if we started a flash mob for it. I'm sure if we send a letter to Professor Dumbledore, he'll allow us to do it. As long as we get a few more people in on it. Lily and Marlene may do it. Hestia will for sure, along with Andromeda. And with a little convincing, Narcissa may do it as well."

"Isn't she engaged to that bozo Malfoy?" James asked, wrinkling his nose. "She's like, thirteen, and Malfoy graduated five years ago."

"Well she isn't supposed to marry him until she's eighteen, so she hasn't been corrupted yet." Sirius replied. "Anybody from Hufflepuff, Remus?"

Remus thought for a second. "Ted Tonks maybe. Isn't he dating Andromeda?"

"Yes, and my parents eternally hate her for it." Sirius nodded. "I may be able to convince Regulus to do it, but only if I make sure that he's allowed to throw bright pink glitter glue on Severus."

James laughed - "Oh, hell yes. He can totally do it. Make sure I can do it too."

"I'll send the letter tonight. Make sure that you convince them to join!" Remus said. "James, you'll have Lily and Marlene. I'll get Hestia and Ted, we're in the same study group. Sirius you get to convince Andromeda, Narcissa, and Regulus - got that?"

"Affirmative." Sirius said. "Hey, waitress, can I have some brandy?"

"We are so lucky we got Dumbledore's permission." Remus muttered at the Feast. "Otherwise, we're dead."

"Relax Moony." Sirius replied. "We'll be fine. Remember - when he says that they'll be singing the Hogwarts song right before the feast - that's when we strike."

"I cannot wait for the sorting to be over with." James muttered. "They are finally in the Ls."

"Lawrence, Bryce." Minerva called. A boy with a mop of brown hair, pond scum green eyes. He had a crooked nose that looked broken, and for a eleven year old, his eyes were extremely cruel. His smile was almost twisted.

"That dude is Slytherin for sure," James wagered. "Ten galleons says that he is."

"I ain't going to take a bet that I know will be true." Sirius replied. "Seriously Prongs - that dude is screaming Slytherin. Not to mention 'Death Eater'."

"SLYTHERIN!" the Hat cried (almost screamed).

Ten minutes later, the last person - a hispanic looking dude with curly black hair and dark brown eyes. He had pointed ears, cheerful elf like face, a mischievous smile, was rather scrawny-looking, and looked like he was very, very hyperactive.

"Valdez, Leo."

"RAVENCLAW!" the Hat yelled, not even touching the kid's head.

"I welcome all of you to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore said. Five minutes later of the yearly speech, he said, "And now, let us sing the school song!"

Sirius, Remus, James, Lily, Marlene, Andromeda, Narcissa, Hestia, Ted, and Regulus all nodded and Sirius waved his wand, summoning the battery operated music player with numerous charms laid on it to ensure that the magic frequencies of Hogwarts wouldn't affect it.

A cheerful flute started playing from the music player as Sirius got up from his seat and started to sing. "It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ you should have seen us, the figurehead was a whore in bed and the mast was a mammoth p*nis!"

James took over from that point and continued to sing. "The Captain of this lugger, He was a dirty bugger, he wasn't fit to shovel shit from one place to another!"

Sirius and James then sung the chorus. "Friggin' in the Riggin'! Friggin' in the Riggin'! Friggin' in the Riggin', there was f*ck all else to do."

Remus then stood on the table and sang, "The Captain's name was Morgan, by Christ he was a Gordon! Ten times a day sweet tunes he'd play on his f*cking organ!"

Lily then got up with Marlene and they both sang, "The First Mate's name was Cooper, by Christ he was trooper! He jerked and jerked until he worked himself into a stupor!"

Remus, Lily, and Marlene joined Sirius and James in singing the chorus. Andromeda and Ted sang the next stanza of the song - "The Second Mate was Andy, by Christ he had a dandy. 'Til they crushed his c*ck with a jagged rock for c*mming in the brandy!"

Narcissa was the next to sing (shocking everyone). "The Cabin boy was Flipper, he was a f*cking nipper. He stuffed his ass with broken glass and circumsized the skipper!"

Andromeda, Ted, and Narcissa joined the other five in singing the chorus when Hestia started to sing from her spot at the Ravenclaw table. "The Captain's wife was Mabel, to f*ck she was not able. So the dirty sh*ts nailed her t*ts across the barroom table!"

But nobody was more suprised than when Regulus, the rather shy twelve year old Slytherin (who should have had no knowledge of the song at all), began to sing. "The Captain had daughter, who fell in deep sea water. Delighted squeals revealed the eels had found her sexual quarters!"

Hestia and Regulus both started to sing the chorus, and while everyone was distracted, Regulus pulled out his secret weapon - glitter.

And he tossed it onto the Fifth Year Slytherin Prefect - Severus Snape.

All nine of them leaped off the tables just as the music was starting to fade away, and they all bowed.

And Minerva McGonagall was livid.

Chapter Text


The students were expecting many reactions. The Slytherins in particular were looking forward to what they believe was inevitable - angry screaming. Everybody else also believed that Lupin would have either a hurt expression on his face or an angry one. Nobody was expecting for him to be calmly eating his breakfast as he let the Howler scream it's mouth off, a resigned expression on his face, almost as if he deserved it.

Harry Potter hated it. Lupin didn't deserve this. So what if he was a werewolf? He was the greatest DADA teacher ever! Their last two ones were total losers, so it wasn't like there was much competition on that front, but their 4th thru 7th year DADA teachers would have a lot to live up to. So he decided that he wasn't going to let all the howlers Lupin received to be insults.

"I'll be right back. I gotta go do something. I'll be back in ten minutes, okay?"

Ron and Hermione nodded.

As he ran to the owlery, he pulled out a piece of parchment and used the charm that turned it bright red. He started to write as many compliments as he could on the parchment before he arrived in the owlery. He sent it off with a school owl and raced back to the Great Hall.

He arrived just in time for the Howler to arrive. Remus just sighed, and most of the teachers were glaring and scowling at Snape.


Remus looked shocked. The entire hall looked at the now crumbling howler in shock. Ron and Hermione turned to Harry.

"Harry, did you send a howler that compliments people?" Ron asked, gobsmacked.

Harry grinned. "Who, me?"


Remus smiled for the first time since parents had started sending their insult ridden Howlers.


By the time Friday rolled around, Remus was receiving compliments via Howler every ten minutes and it reverberated around the castle, which made classes often be interrupted. Some classes' classwork was just writing compliments for the professor.

Two weeks later, when school ended, somebody - nobody knew who it was - sent possibly the best compliment ever.


Sadly, that brought the end of Howlers to Teachers... but it did prevent more Howlers coming in.

Remus became the first teacher to teach for more than one year.

Chapter Text

"I believe, Lily, James, that the best way to protect you and Harry would to use the Fidelius Charm." Dumbledore said to the young couple as he handed them an old book.

"Fidelius?" Lily asked. "I've never heard of that charm before."

"It's an old charm." James said. "I think I read something about it in Potter Manor's library before."

"Secret Keeper?" Lily asked as she skimmed down the page. "Oh! The Secret Keeper is the only person that can tell people where the place protected by the Fidelius Charm is located. Nobody who hasn't been told by the Secret Keeper where the place protected by the Fidelius Charm cannot enter, nor can anyone who has been told by the Secret Keeper tell anybody where the place is. This sounds perfect. Why doesn't everyone do this charm?"

"Not everyone has the talent." Dumbledore replied. "You see, it takes someone who passed with at least an EE in their N.E.W.T.s."

"I can perform it. Who'll be our secret keeper?" Lily said.

"The secret keeper should always be somebody you can trust with your life." Dumbledore said.

"Sirius should do it then. He'd never betray us. He'd rather die first." Lily decided. "And he's Harry's godfather."

"I agree." James said. "Sirius should be our Secret Keeper."

Dumbledore sighed. "Even though Sirius is your best friend, James, I urge you to think rationally about this. Everybody suspects you would chose Sirius. It's not worth the risk."

"So, then we should chose you instead, Professor." Lily said. "There's no way Voldemort would be able to get the information out of you."

"Are you trying to instate that Sirius isn't trustworthy? He's like my brother!" James exclaimed. "He'd never betray us."

"And I don't think he would," Dumbledore stressed, "Nor do I believe that Remus is the traitor either. But think about it. Only you know for sure that you aren't a traitor to the Order of the Phoenix. Anybody you tell of your location cannot pass the information on which is extremely beneficial for you. However, let's just say for a second that you chose me as your Secret Keeper, but I'm the traitor. That information would go straight to Voldemort and you would end up dying."

"But Dumbledore, you aren't the traitor. Neither is Sirius, or Remus, or Peter!" Lily exclaimed. "Alice, Marlene, and all the others - none of them are traitors. I just know it."

James nodded in agreement. "You haven't interacted with most of these people on a daily basis for the past ten years. We know all of them better than you, Moody, the Weasleys or anybody else. There's no way any of them could possibly be the traitor."

"Neither of you are getting what I'm saying." Dumbledore said. "The best person to be the Secret Keeper is one of the people who is being protected."

"Wouldn't that weaken the charm though?" Lily questioned.

"Au Contraire actually. It'd strengthen it." Dumbledore replied. "The secret keeper should one of you. In fact, Harry actually would be the best Secret Keeper."

"He can barely talk!" James said. "How is he going to give permission for all of us to enter our own home?"

"Simple - get him to say it once, have it recorded and then whenever you want to share it to a person, plug some headphones into the device used and have them listen to it." Dumbledore replied.


Three Days Later...

"Harry, you know the address to this place, right?"

"Yes." the fifteen month old infant said. "Pot-tar's Cotwage, Gwodrwic's Hawwalo."

"Did you get it?" asked James.


Chapter Text

"Potter, Harry!" Professor McGonagall read from her parchment.

As Harry stepped forward, the hall was filled with whispers from almost every student.

"Potter, did she say?"

"The Harry Potter?"

The last thing Harry was able to see before the hat was dropped over his eyes was people craning to get a good look at him – no doubt wanting to see how much he had grown in the ten years he had been away from the Wizarding World. It made him rather uncomfortable, all the attention.

"Hmm…" he heard the Hat muse in his ear. "Difficult…very difficult indeed. You've got plenty of courage, not a bad mind either. There's talent – oh my goodness, yes – and a nice thirst to prove yourself…"

"Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin…" Harry chanted in his mind. "Anything but Slytherin…"

"Not Slytherin, eh?" The Hat asked shrewedly. "You'd do great things in Slytherin – it's the path to greatness after all…"

"I don't want to be a Slytherin," Harry thought fiercely. "They're evil, aren't they?"

The Hat laughed quitetly. "No, not all Slytherins are evil. You see, Slytherin is all about cunning, ambition. They are also resourceful. Very resourceful indeed. And while you do have the bravery needed for Gryffindor, and the loyalty required for Hufflepuff, and you would do fine in Ravenclaw, I must say…. SLYTHERIN!"

The last part he shouted and the whole hall got eerily quiet. He was pretty sure that nobody had expected it – especially not the greasy haired, bat-like professor who fell out of his chair in shock, along with the short professor that barely was able to look over the table. He shakily took off the hat and walked over to the Slytherin table.

What the hell had just happened?

"Hey, Potter!"

Harry looked up from where he was currently sulking and saw that around him were the other Slytherins of his year – Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis, and Pansy Parkinson.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" he asked glumly.

"Okay, we get that you weren't expecting to get placed in Slytherin," Daphne Greengrass said, "But that doesn't mean that you have to sulk all evening about it. Nobody was really expecting it – just as much as we were expecting Blaise Zabini to be placed in Gryffindor."

Theodore Nott nodded in agreement, "Listen, you've probably heard all about this being You-Know-Who's house and if you end up in it, you'll be just as bad as him."

Harry nodded, "That and the fact that all the examples I've received of Slytherins aren't exactly picture perfect."

"Name some," Malfoy said, "The ones you heard are probably horrible examples."

"Voldemort," This caused several to flinch, the most notable being the pug-faced Pansy and the prat Malfoy, who looked, in Harry's opinion, like a ferret. "and then Death Eaters in general. By the way, who gave them that name anyways? It sounds so stupid! And did you know that Voldemort in French means Flight From Death? So in my opinion, the 'Death Eaters' were supposed to 'eat death' while Voldemort kept fleeing from it."

"Those examples are pretty sound," Tracey Davis, "And I'm pretty sure that you just broke the universe."

"Why?" Harry asked at the five first years questioning faces.

"Nobody has ever thought of it that way, not even Dumbledore." Theodore Nott replied.

"Well then he should also be pleased to know that the sentence 'I am Lord Voldemort' is an anagram for 'Tom Marvolo Riddle'."

"Did being in Slytherin make you smarter or something?"

"Or something." Harry cheerfully replied.

Chapter Text

Harry breathed deeply as he walked out into the clearing where Voldemort stood with the rest of his Death Eaters.

"Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived… come to die." Voldemort said in that velvety voice of his. "Avada-"

The last word he was going to say was interrupted by a very old beat up blue Ford Angelina, that crashed into Voldemort and kept on rolling over him with it's wheels, breaking Voldemort's ribs, pelvis, jaw, and a lot of other bones, and probably made him get a lot of his important organs destroyed.

"Oh-kay." Harry said slowly. Every single Death Eater, sans Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, and Narcissa Malfoy had left the area.

"POTTER!" screeched Bellatrix with fury, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE DARK LORD?"

"Oh shut the hell up!" Narcissa said, making her older sister turn to her which gave Harry the chance to stun her from behind.

"That wasn't exactly how I imagined that this would go," Harry said, kicking the now dead body of Voldemort… now it's time to go snake-hunting…"

Ten minutes later, Nagini was dead, the Weasleys' old Ford Angelina was being hailed as a hero, and Harry was going to write a letter asking the Goblins of Gringotts whether or not they could remove horcruxes from the object they were in.

If they couldn't, Hermione and Ron decreed that they were going to track down Fawkes, stab Harry in the scar with a basklik's fang, and then have Fawkes cry on the scar to heal it.

Filch had also decided that he was going to hand in his resignation as the mess around the hall was way too much for the almost seventy year old squib.


"Ford Angelina Potter, you were named after the bravest car I knew, and that car is probably the only reason that the Wizarding World is still standing."

Chapter Text

Lord Voldemort, also known as the Dark Lord to his followers, was currently sitting on the throne he had custom made for himself at Malfoy Manor. That's when Rookwood, one of Death Eaters walked into the ballroom, where the throne was currently located.

"My Lord?" Rookwood inquired, "You have mail."

If Voldemort had eyebrows, he definitely would have raised one. "Mail?"

"Yes my Lord." Rookwood replied. "It came from an owl wearing the Hogwarts' School Crest."

"Give it to me." Voldemort commanded.

"Of course, my Lord." Rookwood said, handing Voldemort an envelope. There was no writing on it, but there were two crests on it - a Gryffindor crest and Slytherin crest.

Probably from Dumbledore or Potter, Voldemort thought as he sneered at the envelope.

He opened it up and pulled out the folded parchment.

Dear Moldy Shorts,

I would just like to inform you that while your real name is unfortunate, and that you seem to like it enough to make an anagram out of it, the words: I am Lord Voldemort can also be rearranged to say: Mr. Tom - Dildo Lover.

I suggest that you change your name legally. Perhaps to Marvolo Morfin Gaunt? We can discuss this later.

Feel free to come to my complimentary sob session tonight in the Chamber of Secrets.


The Gryffindor that was Almost a Slytherin

"Burn this letter. NOW!" Voldemort yelled, thrusting the letter into Rookwood's face.

"Of course my Lord." Rookwood said, walking over to the fire place.

He discretely made a copy of it and threw the original into the fire place.


"Seriously Harry? Pranking Voldemort?" Hermione asked exasperatedly on night in the common room. The entire common room grew silent.

"Wicked," Fred grinned.

George grinned like his twin. "You are my hero."

Chapter Text

All day Fred and George had been making jokes that she didn't understand, but everyone – including Hermione – did. It was honestly frustrating the heck out of her.

So she did the next best thing.

Asking a teacher might get her into trouble, and asking an older student would do no better in the eleven year old Gryffindor's opinion.

She pulled out the old leather diary that she had been writing in for the last two weeks and wrote her first question. It had been mentioned in one of Fred's jokes earlier that day.

Tom, what's a clitoris?

Inside the Diary:

Tom Riddle, forever trapped at sixteen due to this diary, blinked as he read the question for the fifth time.

Should he answer her?

Even though he was a dark Lord, and evil, and a murderer, he honestly felt like he had a duty to the poor eleven year old that he was currently possessing.

Can you please repeat that? He wrote back.

After a few seconds he got a reply: Sure thing Tom. What's a clitoris? My older brother Fred was making jokes about it earlier today.

Oh Merlin.

He had read that correctly.

Well…you see…it's kind of hard to explain. Tom wrote quickly. Why haven't you asked a professor? Or a prefect?

Well, your sixteen, aren't you? My third eldest brother Percy is also that age and when I asked him, he ran out of the room screaming.

Fuck a duck.

Now he had explain.

Back in the Common Room

After a few minutes of waiting for a reply, Ginny finally got one.

When a man and woman love each other very much…

Chapter Text

Harry Potter was feeling very, very happy.

It was time for the first Potions class of first year, and being a time traveler (a very unintentional one at that) he wanted it to go very different from the last one.

Which basically translated to: this class will be insane and everyone will love it because it will cause Snape to have an aneurism.

"Mr. Potter - our new celebrity." Snape sneered at him.

Harry smiled as he pulled out a signed piece of parchment. "Here's my autograph, sir. I carry them just in case, that way I get to class on time. I'm still getting used to this whole 'famous' thing."

Snape sneered again - is that all he could do? "Since you've so kindly volunteered, you can answer the first question."

"As long as its first year stuff," Harry replied cheerfully, "I should know it. Memorized my Potions and Herbology books already."

"Tell me, what would I get if I added a powdered root of Asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" Snape asked, probably hoping for him to answer incorrectly.

Harry noticed that Hermione was raising her hand patiently, but the look on her face was almost pleading as if she wanted nothing more but to get called on.

He reached into his bag and pulled out a potion that he had previously picked up in Diagon Alley the month before.

Snape raised an eyebrow and asked, "And that is?"

"It's the Draught of Living Death, sir." Harry replied, "Some of the ingredients are a powdered root of Asphodel and an infusion of wormwood. The potion itself is a sleeping potion that makes it seem as if you were dead."

"Where would you go to find a bezoar?"

"Right here," Harry said, reaching into his cauldron and pulling out the baby goat that he had smuggled into the castle. "This baby goat's stomach should have a bezoar, but it would probably be best if you checked the potions cabinet first."

The whole class stared at the baby goat with shock.

Snape actually lost his usual composure and in shock asked, "Mr. Potter, why do you have a goat?"

"He's my pet." Harry replied smoothly. "I have Hedwig, but I also have Aberforth, my pet goat." Aberforth was honestly the first name he could come up with, and wasn't his Patronus a goat?

"I believe you are only allowed a Cat, Toad, or Owl." Snape replied briskly. "Not a goat."

"Ron has a rat that's missing a toe- right pointer by the way, and then Lee Jordan has a spider. And I'm pretty sure that fifty years ago a guy named Tom Marvolo Riddle, a Slytherin Prefect and later Head Boy had a pet snake." Harry countered, "And there is no rule against having two pets either - I checked. It's also not in the rules that you can't take them to class, it's just not advised as it means you are allowing them to be experimented on."

Snape just sighed, "My last question is this, what's the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"Absolutely nothing." Harry replied, pulling out a plant. "It's also called aconite. By the way, you can have the potion and the aconite but you aren't getting my goat."


Later, in the Great Hall, the Weasley Twins came and sat down on either side of him and asked, "Is it true-"

"That you-"

"Brought a pet-"

"Goat to Snape's-"


"You bet." Harry grinned.

Chapter Text

As with all the other chapters, this is inspired by Tumblr.

If you are on it as much I am, you've probably seen the post this is based on.

Harry could hardly believe it!

There was mail addressed to him.

In hindsight, he probably should have stuffed the letter into his cupboard - he could always read it after he delivered the mail to the Dursley's, who were already growing impatient with the minute wait they had. The Dursley's would probably take the letter if they found out about it. It seemed like the most Dursley-ish thing to do.

He walked into the kitchen, analyzing the letter carefully. He dropped what was left of the mail (A Majorica postcard from that bitch Marge, a few bills, and Uncle Vernon's paycheck from Grunnings.) on the table.

"Marge is sick." Uncle Vernon informed them. "Ate a funny whelk she found while snorkeling or something."

The hippo could fit into a wetsuit? Harry thought. Man, the Dursley's are weird! Uncle Vernon is a walrus, Dudley is a pig, Marge is a hippo, Aunt Petunia is a horse, and I'm pretty sure that Uncle Vernon's father was a baboon and his mother a donkey.

"Dad!" Dudley suddenly cried - taking note of the letter in Harry's hands. "Dad - Harry's got something! He's got a letter!"

"Give it here, boy." snarled Uncle Vernon.

"Hand it over!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

"No!" Harry said, running out of the kitchen, throwing open the front door (which half the household had to enter/exit through sideways due to them being too wide to fit through it normally) and running out into the street.

"Get back here!" Uncle Vernon said, eyes wide and his face was a lovely shade of lavender. "Get back here boy!"

Harry was fast for a ten year old. He had to be - especially because Dudley and his goons believed that 'Harry Hunting' was an Olympic sport - none of them had even a bronze medal in said sport because they could never catch him. It was a Saturday morning - nobody on the street had to go to work and most were up by eight anyways.

Uncle Vernon had followed him - expected, but there had been a high probability that he wouldn't. After all - chasing him could drastically ruin his reputation. Harry tucked the letter into his front waistband.

Even though Uncle Vernon had followed him, if he wanted to get the letter out of Harry's grasp, he'd have to stuff his hand down his pants - something he wouldn't do in public.

So it was down to one thing: Would Uncle Vernon choose his reputation? Or would he choose the letter?

"Give me the letter!" panted Uncle Vernon once he reached the street where Harry was currently standing. "Give it to me!"

"Give me the letter!" Harry mimed. "Give it to me!"

Uncle Vernon's face turned eggplant purple. "Give it to me now! You are drumming up a crowd."

Sure enough, people who had been trimming their already perfect rosebushes or having a cup of morning tea on their porches had crowded around the two.

"No." Harry replied simply. "If you truly want it, you'll have to get it." Harry just stood there.

Mrs. Number Seven (he had no clue what her actual name was and didn't really care) had already reached a bony hand into the satchel purse thing she always brought around with her and withdrew something...a phone!

Uncle Vernon snarled and raced forward and started wresting to get to letter. His uncle's momentum had thrown him off balance but Harry didn't let that stop him. He kicked his Uncle between the legs as Mrs. Number Seven started dialling the number for the local police department - five minutes away tops. She was whispering to Mr. Number Eight (the Dursley's hardly used the real names of their neighbors) about something.

Uncle Vernon crashed to the floor with a simple push of Harry's foot - he was kind of recovering from the whole 'kicking him in his soft spot' thing.

Four minutes later, he was still struggling to get up and he saw Aunt Petunia and Dudley watching from the house's window.

And that's when the cops showed up!

Vernon got arrested, Harry learned what his letter was about quite reluctantly from Aunt Petunia, and he somehow got sorted into Ravenclaw.

How? Nobody really knows...

Chapter Text

Vernon Dursley was pissed.

He wasn't pissed at his job, boss, or secretary. He wasn't pissed at the fact that he couldn't move into a better house due to those 'wards' placed around the property by that fool fifteen years ago. He wasn't even pissed at his awful nephew!

Well...indirectly - he was involved of course. This...Lord Thingy was only here because of his nephew after all.

The person was currently standing in his way of going off to work. He was wearing a long back dress that looked like it was awfully uncomfortable. When he swayed, Vernon could have sworn he saw this Lord Whatever His Damn Name Was wearing stockings underneath the dress...were those garters? [1]

The person also was obviously wearing contacts - those eyes weren't natural! - and whomever this person had undergone plastic surgery.

How else did he have no nose?

Vernon sighed. "Look Lord Thing - I need to get off to work. And if you don't want me to run over you, I suggest you get your freaky-ness off my lawn! So grab that stick your holding, get rid of the dress, and take out those contacts! And I'd speak to a doctor about recieve a nose - those are kind of important - you need one, trust me. Also get some sun - you are too pale to be healthy."

"No, Vernon Dursley, I will not leave." Red-Eyed Man said. "You see, I'm here to kill Harry Potter -"

"You want to kill the freak?" Vernon questioned. "Then go right ahead!"

Red-Eyed Man laughed, "You honestly want your nephew to die? This will be too easy! My revenge will finally be satisfied! He won't be able to destroy me again, like he did on October 31st, 1981!"

Vernon blinked, "Wait - 1981? Halloween? You killed the Potters?"

"Yes!" Red-Eyed Man said. "And now I must get my revenge!"

"...So it's your fault that I have to deal with that freak?"

" can you please get rid of these wards so I can go kill Harry Potter?" Red-Eyed Man asked impatiently.

Vernon didn't say anything. Instead, he just pushed down the gas of his brand-new company car and ran over the bastard. "I've heard you are called 'The Dark Lord'. That's just another way of saying you are unemployed!" Vernon shouted, grabbing his trusty umbrella as he got out of his car.

He started beating the living shit out of Lord Thingy. After he was sure that the bastard wouldn't be getting back up, he went to the trunk of his car and grabbed the shot-gun he always carried with him.

And then he shot Voldemort in the forehead.

The next morning, Harry woke up to the sound of an owl hooting happily with the Daily Prophet in it's beak. He grabbed the paper, paid the owl and looked at it, before jumping for joy.

He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named: Dead at age 70! Muggle Defeats the Dark Lord!

By Rita Skeeter

He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named has long been the enigma of England's Magical World. However, last night, You-Know-Who was shot and killed by muggle Vernon Dursley.

Wow...for once, his Uncle had been good for something...

Chapter Text

The Sorting Hat - know to his friends at Alfred - was bored. He had been sorting students for almost a thousand years now, and after a while, it could get boring, even though he absolutely loved his job.

So he decided that he was going to play a prank.

And what a wonderful prank it was...

"Abbott, Hannah!" Professor McGonagall called out.

"GRYFFINDOR!" Alfred cried out. Gasps rang out from the hall. An Abbott in Gryffindor? The horror!

Alfred kind of thought it was silly. There had been Abbotts in Gryffindor before - roughly a hundred and fifty years ago, though. In fact, the house had primarily been Gryffindor until a Smith married into the Abbott family!

"Bones, Susan!"


"Boot, Terrance!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!" Alfred yelled. It was kind of surprising that they didn't get it from his song. Did they not notice the lyrics at all? The brave shall become cunning, the cunning shall become smart, the smart shall become loyal, and the loyal shall become brave!

Honestly, it's like none of them paid attention!

"Brocklehurst, Mandy!"


"Brown, Lavender!"


A new round of gasps happened. A BROWN in SLYTHERIN? The horror!

Get over yourself! Alfred thought. He happened to enjoy the reactions. He'd enjoy their reactions to when they found out it was just a prank even better.

"Bulstrode, Millicent."


Millicent just shrugged. Better Ravenclaw than Hufflepuff or Gryffindor.

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"


"Finnegan, Seamus!"


More gasps. That was kind of getting annoying. Couldn't they just keep their gasps to themselves?

"Granger, Hermione!"

You know, I'm starting to think that this is a prank. She thought.

How so? Alfred replied.

No particular reason. However, depending on which house you put me in, then I'll know for sure. If you put me in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw - I can see that. I could even see Hufflepuff considering how hard-working I am when it comes to research, books, or homework. But Slytherin? I might be ambitious, but I don't belong in a house of bigots.

"SLYTHERIN!" Alfred cried.

Hermione smirked. That just proved it. The Hat never put muggleborns like herself into Slytherin unless they absolutely belonged there.

"Longbottom, Neville!"

I think I'd be best in Hufflepuff. Neville thought.

I'm thinking more Gryffindor. The Hat thought, even though he knew that should he belong in Gryffindor, he'd actually be getting Slytherin... That might cause some issues...

Ah - it'd only be for a half hour. What could be the harm?


More gasps. Did these people not do anything else?

"MacDougal, Morag."


"Malfoy, Draco!"

The hat didn't even let him be placed on the kid's gelled hair. He belonged in Slytherin, but didn't particularly want to place him in Ravenclaw like the rest. So he decided to just yell out the first house that came to mind.


Draco sputtered. "W-what?"

The whole hall had gone deathly silent. "You heard me. HUFF-LE-PUFF! Your loyalty to your family is a Hufflepuff quality. Now go sit down." Alfred said fiercely.

"Moon, Lily!"


"Nott, Theodore!"


"Parkinson, Pansy!"


"Patil, Padma!"


"Patil, Pavarti!"


The girl obviously wasn't happy about not being in the same house as her twin seeing as how she stomped angrily to the Slytherin table.

"Perks, Sally-Anne!"


"Potter, Harry!"

Finally the one that would cause the most brilliant reactions in History!

Everybody had quieted down in anticipation.

Not Slytherin, Not Slytherin. Anything but Slytherin.

Hmmm...I think you'd be perfect for Slytherin. Alfred mused. Yes...I believe you belong there.


Alfred loved the reactions it caused: Snape fell out of his seat, Quirrell did as well, Albus just blinked in surprise, McGonagall just glared at Albus as if to say This is YOUR fault.

Harry's mouth was open in shock - just like most of the others in the hall. Several had passed out, some were gaping at the eleven year old in shock.

Alfred was going to remember that scene forever!

"Thomas, Dean." McGonagall said, once she regained her bearings.


"Turpin, Lisa."


"Weasley, Ronald!"


People that passed out/fallen out of their seat did so again.

"Zabini, Blaise!"

"RAVENCLAW!" Alfred cried out.

After Zabini sat down. Alfred decided to reveal that it was just one big prank.

"Before you put me away, for another year, I'd like to say that you have just been pranked." Alfred said cheerfully causing a lot of gasps.


"All Slytherins are actually Gryffindors, all Hufflepuffs are Ravenclaws, all Gryffindors are Hufflepuffs, and all Ravenclaws are Slytherins, with the exception of Malfoy - he's actually a Slytherin!"

Here's an alternate sorting for just Draco that was going to happen but I changed it:

"Malfoy, Draco!"

The hat didn't even let him be placed on the kid's gelled hair. He belonged in Slytherin, but didn't particularly want to sort him.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to sort squib ferrets that are prejudiced." The Sorting Hat said.

Draco sputtered. "W-what?"

"You heard me, you prejudiced git."

"I've done accidental magic before!" Draco cried as he was taken from the hall. "I'M A WIZARD!"

"That's what they all say!

Chapter Text

Fred and George Weasley were pranksters. They were very proud of this fact, and nothing you could say to try and make them stop their pranks would work. After they found the Marauder's Map in first year, it had taken two weeks, three days, thirteen hours, twenty-tree minutes, forty-two seconds and sixteen milliseconds to crack the code.

That had occurred when Fred pointed his wand at the parchment and said, "Dang it! What do I need to say to make you work? I solemnly swear – I'm up to no good!"

After that they had a beautiful map of the castle that told where everybody was. It had increased the success rate of their pranks by thirty-four percent!

It had been a challenge to figure out the words to wipe the map clean – to make it seem as if it was just a random bit of parchment should their bags ever be searched for pranking items. Finally, one night in the common room during the Easter holidays (They had taken refuge there since Percy was being a prat), George pointed his wand at the map that Fred was looking over and said, "Our Mischeif has been managed…for now at least."

What udder joy they had when they received word from Messers Prongs and Padfoot themselves! Well…sort of…it was just words on the parchement cover…

Messer Prongs would like to inform you that the code you've used is almost correct – everything you need to say is there, but somethings said are unneeded.

Messer Padfoot would like to infrom you that our pranks are legendary, but rarely do we use the phrase: for now at least. In fact, our Micheif never has been truly Managed."

With the hints given by two of their idols, they were able to close the map for the first time in four days.

And now, they – as lowly 2nd year students – were planning their biggest prank they had ever tried.

Their victim: Dumbledore's office.

Right now, they were carefully watching Dumbledore's emblem on the Marauder's Map, waiting for the man to leave his office to go to dinner. With the help of the Marauder's Map, they knew where the kitchens were, how to avoid Filch, and neither one were quite hungry at the moment.

"Hmm…what if we conjure up a lot of ducks?" Fred asked.

"How about rubber ducks – those things that Dad always goes on about?" George suggested. "Who knows, Dumbledore might have a facisnation with them."

Fred thought for a second. "I can see it."

Dumbledore came through the portrait door then, swiftly walking towards the Great Hall, a smile on his face. George could have sworn that the hundred and six year old was humming Poison, a new muggle song that came out a few months ago.

Their father had been addicted to it. Mum had a fit whenever she heard it play on that muggle radio of Dad's.

Dumbledore started singing softly, but the man was still in earshot – perhaps he knew that they were there?

That girl is poison.

Never trust a big butt that girl is poison!

That girl is poison, poison.

It had been three months since they had last heard their father sing it outloud when Mum had been out picking up more Floo powder, but Fred and George shivered.

That song was pure torture to listen to in their opinion.

And the fact that Percy made them do their summer homework where he could see them – namely the kitchen table – it just meant they kept hearing the song, over and over and over and over again.

Whoops – that was kind of getting off track there!

After saying the password to Dumbledore's office (Ice Mice), they were in and were ready to start decking the office out. They placed a charm on the door to start playing a ringtone according to whoever walked through the door.

They chose "I'm Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves for Dumbledore ("Poison" would probably cause him to constantly walk through the door) and the Imperial March from "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" for Snape, the Potions Professor. For their Transfiguration Professor, Minerva "Minnie" McGonagall, they chose "Hey Mickey!" by Toni Basil. For Professor Sprout, they chose "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper.

For Professor Flitwick, they decided to go with "It's a Small World" by the Sherman Brothers.

After overloading the office with various other pranks from their neverending arsenal, George found something that made him extremely happy.

It was corruption time!

"Fred, come over here! It's the Sorting Hat!" George whispered. Fred immediately came over and saw what George was gawking over.

He immediately exchanged a grin with his twin. (Hey – that rhymed!)

"Hello, Mr. Sorting Hat?" Fred asked quitely. "You awake?"

"No," came the reply from the ragged old hat. "Leave me alone – I'm trying to write a song here."

"Oh! Is it for the Sorting of 1991?" George asked. "Well, come on, let's here what you have."

The Sorting Hat replied, "I have these words: Gryffindor, Brave, Hufflepuff, Loyal, Ravenclaw, Intelligent, Slytherin, Ambitious Little Bastards. Sadly, that last one probably won't make it to the final cut…Albus enjoys proof-reading my songs before I sing them."

"So he's…your manager?" Fred asked.

"Something like that. By the way, what are you doing…oh never mind. Judging by the rubber ducks everywhere, I'd say that you are pranking the Headmaster." The Sorting Hat replied. "By the way – call me Alfred. Everyone does."

"Alfred…like that bad-ass butler from the Batman comics?: asked George.

"No." Alfred replied. "For one I'm not a butler. I am however bad-ass."

"Yeah right. Prove it." Fred said, disbelief heavy in his voice.

"Alright. Next sorting. I believe that it's only four months, three weeks, two days, fourteen hours, thirty-eight minutes, and sixteen – no seventeen seconds away." Alfred said.

"You are on!" George said.

Four Months, Three Weeks, Two Days, Fourteen Hours, Thirty-Eight Minutes, and Seventeen Seconds Later…

"By the way, before I am put away for another year," Alfred said once he announced that he had just pranked the first years. "What just occurred in the last half-hour should be proof enough for the wonderful Weasley Twins, who questioned my ability to be badass. I hope that nobody is ever foolish enough to question whether or not I am badass, for I am afraid I will have to kill you with a paper napkin."

"Can you even kill somebody with a paper napkin?" some random Slytherin asked.

"I can assure you that I will have fun trying!" Alfred said cheerfully. "Now, don't let me keep from eating anymore!"

Chapter Text

Chapter 21 of What If?

Harry looked down at his hand which had just healed.

What the bloody hell was with this quill he was using? Did it use his own blood as ink?

At that moment, he didn't care what Professor Umbridge would say. He rolled his piece of parchment with the one line he had written on it up, grabbed the quill, and stuffed both offending items into his school bag.

"And, where exactly do you think you're going?" Umbridge asked. "Sit back down and finish your lines."

"No." Harry said defiantly. "I refuse to be walked over, and I refuse to allow me to be tortured by this bloody quill of yours!"

Umbridge stood, wand raised and said, "Accio -"

"Stupefy!" Harry said, stunning the teacher. "Petrificus Totalus." He cast the body-bind so she wouldn't be able to escape should this meeting run longer than expected.

He pretty much ran to McGonagall's office, where she was currently grading the papers of her second year students.

"Mr. Potter?" She asked when she noticed that he had arrived in her office. "Aren't you supposed to be in detention?"

"Umbridge gave me lines," Harry explained. "Only, they aren't normal lines you see. She gave me this black quill and no ink -"

Professor McGonagall looked at the fifteen year old with shock, "You mean that Professor Umbridge made you use a blood quill? But those are illegal!"

"Here's my proof." Harry said, pulling the piece of parchment out and the quill along with it. "Oh, and don't worry about the bitch running. She's kind of stunned and under the body-bind at the moment."

Professor McGonagall smiled, "I think you need to be awarded with another Special Services to the School Award...though, now Albus needs to find a new DADA professor."

"He could always bring Remus back." Harry said, grinning.

"Ah, what a fine morning this September day is!" Professor Dumbledore said the next morning. "Last night, we had a bit of a staff change. Due to being in the possession of a dark and very much illegal item known as a blood quill, Madam Umbridge has been arrested, and her position as teacher for Defense Against The Dark Arts is now promptly left open."

The whole hall cheered (including the Slytherins; guess nobody liked the toad...)

"You just seem to be running out Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers," Snape drawled. "I'm always ready to step in and teach it, if you need me to, Professor Dumbledore."

"I'm afraid, Professor Snape, that the position has already been filled. Will you please give a warm welcome back to Professor Remus Lupin!"

The third years and up of the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff houses all cheered happily.

Finally. A DADA Professor who could actually teach!

Hermione was smiling brightly, "Oh, this year's going to be good after all!"

Chapter Text

"We'll just need a place to meet...any suggestions on where Umbridge won't be able to find us?" Hermione asked the assembled group of twenty or so teens.

"The Shrieking Shack maybe, every Hogwarts weekend?" Susan Bones suggested. "She wouldn't go into there, not with all the rumors about the place."

"That's not nearly constant enough. It would have to take place regularly - like a normal class." Harry said. "There's a few secret passages that may be big enough -"

"Sorry mate," Fred said. "All the good ones are either known about by Filch or have caved in." George let out sigh.

"And that was such a good passage too!"

Luna Lovegood however, had quite possibly, the best idea that anybody could come up with. "The Chamber of Secrets. Only Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny know it, other than Dumbledore of course. If people use Disillusionment Charms in the hallways, they can easily slip into the chamber. The spell is simple enough to learn."

Harry thought it over... he was the only person who could access the chamber due to the passcode being in parseltongue. If need be, he could try and teach the word "Open" in Parseltongue to Ron and Hermione, should he ever be late for various reasons.

"It could work..." Harry said. "It's certainly wide enough, and there's a library down there two - full of Defense Against The Dark Arts spells."

"Wasn't Salazar Slytherin's subject potions?" asked Colin Creevey, intrigued.

"Hmm? Yeah, Slytherin taught Potions at Hogwarts while Gryffindor taught Transfiguration, Hufflepuff taught Herbology, and Ravenclaw taught Charms. In Slytherin's time however, there was no Defense Against the Dark Arts class even though there were tons of dark witches and wizards running amok." Harry explained. He had learned all of this from Salazar's journal stored in the many shelves he found when exploring the Chamber. "So Slytherin created the DADA class. He created the curriculum with the curriculums that had already been established for Charms and Transfiguration, but he believed that in order for to truly be a 'Defense' class, they would have to learn some dark spells. I think he put it best in his journal: A spell is nothing more than that - a spell. A light wizard or witch could use a 'dark' spell but have good intentions for it, same as how a dark wizard or witch could use a 'light' spell with bad intentions. After all, the truth of light and dark magic is that it's nonexistent. The only thing that truly matters is your intent."

"Woah." Hermione blinked. "To think...Salazar Slytherin said that."

"How in Merlin's name do you know that?" Zacharias Smith asked.

"I explored the Chamber of Secrets a bit after I learned I wouldn't have to deal with exams until third year." Harry said. "I ended up finding Salazar's journal."

Every single person was staring at him in awe.

" the way Harry, I hope you like the fact that I ensured that no part of this conversation was overheard by anybody at the bar." Luna said in her dreamy voice. "It probably would have been better to do this at the Three Broomsticks. It's a good thing Daddy always said that when you go to meetings that have the potential to become illegal, to make sure that you have silencing wards activated.

"Alright. Thank you so much Luna." Harry said gratefully. That hadn't even crossed his mind! "Everyone meet me on Monday evening, six o'clock, in Myrtle's bathroom. Make sure you aren't followed, even if it means leaving your common rooms thirty minutes early and take the long way. We can't let Umbridge know about this 'study group' of sorts."

Everyone nodded.

Monday quickly came and Harry was currently standing in Myrtle's bathroom.

"Why are we in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom?" questioned Cho Chang.

"You'll see." Harry said, turning to face the sink with the Snake emblem. "Open." He hissed. Immediately, the entrance to the Chamber appeared. "Stairs." He hissed, the slide automatically turning to stairs. "Before anybody starts to go down, I would like everyone to please be careful on the steps. They haven't exactly been cleaned in the last...thousand years or so?"

He started to walk, Ron following him, careful of the slimy steps. Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, and the rest of their group followed behind them.

After a few minutes of silence, they found themselves in the hallway that had previously caved-in the last time Ron, Ginny, and Lockhart had been there with him. However, the hall had magically repaired itself.

"How -" Ron asked.

"It's the magic of the Chamber." Harry explained. "It can't rebuild itself right away, but should a cave in or something similar occur, it'll fix itself if left alone for a bit. Oh, and I hope nobody minds that I cleaned up all the rat skeletons. They were bad for the decor."

They reached the door with the different snakes and Harry hissed for it to open (which is complied to) and they were finally in the main hall of the Chamber.

"This is only it's main atrium. There's a spell library just down the left hallway and a potions laboratory down the right hallway. Off the left door, there's a bunch of Dark stuff - don't go into that room. On the right door is everything we'll need for DADA." Harry explained.

There had been some complications throughout the year with entering the chamber - only Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny could speak the magical words to get into the place, but they managed.

Harry had quickly learned how to do the Disillusionment spell and taught to all the member of their group which they decided to officially just call the DA. Unofficially, it was named Dumbledore's Army. Harry had managed to keep Hermione from writing the unofficial name on the member list, just in case they were found out to be participating in an illegal study group.

They never were, but it doesn't hurt to have CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Fun Fact: Dolores Jane Umbridge is a HALF-BLOOD! Her mother was a muggle and her father was a pureblood. She had a younger brother that was a squib.

Chapter Text

Takes place in 2013 with my favorite character in all of HP being the main star!

Teddy Remus Lupin, Hufflepuff's Fifth Year Prefect was currently bored.

He knew that he was supposed to be studying for his upcoming O.W.L.s, but studying wasn't really his thing. He much rather be at his godfather's house, binge watching Supernatural or something.

It was hilarious to see the show's point of view on Werewolves. Last he checked, werewolves don't eat people's hearts. It was almost as funny as their version of vampires! Seriously - Vampire's don't exactly have blood that you can drink, nor is there a cure to being a vampire.

That thought gave him an idea...what if...what if he could watch it here?

He had never really liked the whole bullshit story that wizards came up with for why they never used modern technology - "Magic makes it impossible to use technology. It doesn't work."

The only reason magic didn't work for wizards because even the most muggle-crazed pure-bloods didn't know how to change a simple battery.

Teddy decided at that moment, that he was going to take his bedroom's TV and using his godfather's subscription of Netflix, start getting caught up on all his shows.

Fifteen minutes later, he had his TV hooked up in his dorm room with the help of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes custom portable electricity socket. He clicked on his profile for Netflix (the choices were as follows: Harry, Ginny, Teddy, and then Kids. Harry had promised that James, Albus, and Lily would each get their own once they reached the age of 11, just like Teddy.) and went to Supernatural.

Dang it - Season 8 hadn't been posted, and probably wouldn't until September...

He checked his other shows...nothing.

Sherlock still didn't have Season 3. On the other hand... there was a new season of Glee to watch.

Yay - 22 episodes of people singing about their problems with one Rachel 'Barbra Streisand' Berry taking the lead. His favorite character had always been Sebastian. His favorite quote was: "cutting-edge fashions usually only seen on Puerto-Rican Pride floats."

Anyways...eventually his roommates came in to him watching Glee and just calmly sat down watching it with him. They asked a few questions about the characters and what the heck was going on, but other than that, they were quiet.

A week later, everyone in Hufflepuff wanted to watch Netflix so with a few enlargements of the TV and a surround-sound speaker system in the common room, everyone was watching. They had a system. They would take suggestions on what wanted to be watched (with Supernatural, Glee, and Doctor Who all being main contenders) and the most popular would be watched first, so on a so forth.

So instead of studying like they were supposed to, they binge watched from 6 to 2 in the morning.

Teddy got a letter a few days after he borrowed his TV from his room from Harry, wanting to know if he took it. Teddy admitted that he had. Harry had replied: "Ask next time."

When Teddy's sixth year rolled around, they had a similar schedule, to TV watching, but limited the binge watching for weekends. Also, it was a requirement to have your homework done to watch TV, which everyone complied with.

It wasn't until their head of house Professor MacMillan came to talk to them about something did he find out that they had been watching Netflix. But instead of berating them, he joined them in watching the latest episode of Sherlock, where it was revealed that the guy wasn't as dead as everyone thought he was at the end of Season 2.

This was inspired by a Tumblr post by contradictingmultitudes.

Chapter Text

Lily Potter took a deep breath as she walked up the steps to Number 4 Privet Drive.

Vernon was at work, and Petunia was no doubt staying at home with her newborn baby Dudley, who had just been born three months previously in June.

She knocked on the door and after a minute of waiting, Petunia Dursley was at the door opening it. She took one look at her before attempting to slam the door, only for Lily to keep her from doing so.

"Petunia, we need to talk." Lily pleaded. "It's important. You know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't."

"Important?" Petunia spat from where she tried to push the door closed. "What's so important that you need to darken my doorstep with your - your fr-"

"Petunia, don't you dare finish that sentence." Lily warned. "I know that you've always been jealous of me. And I'm sorry that you weren't able to go to Hogwarts. But this is a matter of life and death. If you don't do this, James and I will die along with your newborn nephew, Harry."

"We haven't spoken in years." Petunia spat, finally letting the door swing open. "What - is it impossible for you to keep in touch?"

"We haven't spoken because I didn't think you would want to speak." Lily said, shocked. "If I had known -"

Petunia walked away from the door, motioning for Lily to follow her. "Well you didn't. The only reason I wanted to go to Hogwarts was because I thought I was losing you. I've always wished I could do all the amazing things you could do. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up." She sighed. "Would you like some tea before we chat?"

"Yes, that'd be nice." Lily said, sitting down in one of the armchairs in the Dursley's sitting room.

Petunia came back in a few minutes later with two cups of tea, each loaded up with sugar and cream. Just the way they had drank it back when they were little. Before Hogwarts.

"So. Why exactly are you here?" Petunia questioned. "You mentioned life and death. You haven't gotten into any trouble with the authorities', have you? Because of your heritage?"

"No, I haven't. Marrying the Head of an Ancient and Noble House keeps you from being accused of such things." Lily sighed. "But for the past ten years, there's been this man. I can't tell you his name because he's tabooed it. But I can tell you that he's a so called 'Lord', and that in French, his name means 'Flight From Death'." Lily said.

Petunia only nodded, deciding she'd look up that in her French to English dictionary from her secondary school days.

"Anyways, there's also this prophecy. I don't know the full details - Professor Dumbledore has refused to tell me much about it, but I do know that it can apply to either me, or my best friend, Alice Longbottom. It says something about one of our children - either her child Neville, or my child Harry, being able to stop him." She sighed. "And according to what we've been told, it's because us and our husbands have defied him three times."

Petunia eye's went wide, "So your on a terrorist's priority list? For god's sake Lily! Leave the country! Go to Majorca or some place else! Go to the ends of the earth if you have to! Be placed in Witness Protection!"

"Such things don't really exist in the magical world, 'Tuney." Lily sighed. "Professor Dumbledore has ordered each one of us to chose a secret keeper - a person who be the only person able to tell anyone where we are. I want ours to be you."

"Me?" Petunia asked shocked. "You want me to be entrusted this big of a responsibilty?"

"You are the only person I can trust explicitly. Professor Dumbledore knows that there is a spy in our ranks. He thinks it someone close to me and Alice. As much as I don't want to believe it to be anybody I know, I can't be completely sure. For all I know, it could be that spineless friend of James - Peter. Please, 'Tuney, please say you'll do it."

Petunia took a deep breath. "I'll do it." Petunia said, almost not believing the words as they came out of her mouth. "In fact, I'll do it for your best friend as well. After all, not a lot of people know that I even exist, and those who do - " Snape was the thought running through their minds. "- well, they know we've never gotten along after you went off to Hogwarts. I'll die before anyone gets your location."

"Thank you so much Petunia!" Lily said. "Can you meet me at King's Cross Station this Saturday? The woman's bathroom would probably be best. I'll apparate us to our home so you can be there for the charm."

"Of course I will." Petunia said. "And we probably shouldn't mention any of this to Vernon...he still has that mindset of burning witches and wizards at the stake..."

"Yeah..." Lily said. "It'll probably be best to keep him out of this."

And so, because of Petunia being the Secret Keeper, the Potters nor the Longbottoms were ever found. In fact, when the Death Eaters found out that Lily had a sister due to Severus accidentally mentioning it, Petunia mentioned something about the Potters and Longbottoms moving to Canada or some place across the ocean. After that, she rounded up her family, and moved them to China.

Vernon didn't like living in the cramped apartments of Shanghai, but after a year, and the man Lily spoke of finally defeated, Vernon was only too happy to move back to England.

In fact, he was delighted when Petunia managed to get them a nice house twenty minutes south of London. Not only was it closer to his job, but it meant that Petunia could visit her sister more often, something she was only too happy to do.

Chapter Text

Sirius wasn't sure why he was currently standing in front of his ex's office, in disguise.

Oh right. He remembered. Christmas present for Harry.

He heard a faint, "Come in!" from the other side of the door. Dang it - the secretary was right. There wasn't going to be a long wait to see Amelia.

He opened the door. Once inside (and the door closed), he dropped the disguise he had. Amelia immediately had her wand out. "Didn't expect to see you here, Sirius. I never thought I'd see you at the Ministry. I'm sorry I missed your trial. I was quite busy as an auror."

"What trial?" Sirius laughed. "According to Barty Crouch and Minister Bagnold, the evidence was too good for a trial. I went straight to Azkaban for something I didn't do."

"You were the Potter's secret keeper, weren't you?" Amelia said, confusion in her tone.

"Nope," Sirius said. "We changed at the last second. I thought that I was too obvious of a choice, so I said that Peter would be a better one. However, the rat was a Death Eater and betrayed everyone. He told Voldemort where they were hiding, he came and killed everyone but Harry. When I went to check up on them - I knew. He had betrayed them."

"You realise, you have no evidence right?" Amelia said, "The only way I would ever be able to get you cleared if I tried you myself, with Veritaserum and you had Pettigrew himself. I can do the first one - Wizengamot owes me a few favors, and Veritaserum is easy enough to brew. But the last one -"

"Already done." Sirius said smiling, holding up a jar with a rat in it. "You know how I told you that James, Peter, and I were Animagus after I proposed to you?"

"Yes. And you told me that he was a rat." Amelia said, "The jar is charmed against the animagus transformation, right?"

"I'm not an idiot you know." Sirius said. "By the way, our engagement was never officially broken off -"

"I know." Amelia said smiling. "As soon as your cleared, how about a summer wedding? After the whole Tri-Wizard Tournament thing."

"I'm fine with that." Sirius smiled.

"And I'm sure I can do something about your god-son's guardianship." Amelia said. "Though, technically, according to the Potter's wills, he should have gone to Alice Longbottom. She was Harry's godmother, and Lily was Neville's."

"That would be awesome." Sirius said.

Harry was having a rather bad morning. Stupid Yule Ball.

The Great Hall however, seemed to be very chatty.

"Harry!" Hermione yelled. "You have to read the Daily Prophet! Front page!"

"It's not Skeeter again, is it?" Harry groaned.

"It may be Skeeter," Ron said, "The contents of the article will make you happy. Siriusly."

Harry just grabbed the article and started reading. By the end of it, he was grinning.

Sirius Black - Cleared of All Charges! Falsely accused for a crime he didn't commit and IMPRISONED WITHOUT A TRIAL?

By Rita Skeeter

For the past year and a half, Ministry Officials have been hunting down Sirius Black, the only person to ever escape Azkaban. Everyone's been wondering how he did it, and whether or not he'd be able to do it again, should he go back. That's why Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge ordered Dementors to Kiss him on site.

However, Sirius Black isn't as dark as we've all thought him to be. Black was a close friend of the Potters and was godfather to their only child, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and currently a Tri-Wizard Tournament Champion, and their presumed Secret Keeper. It seemed clear that Black had betrayed the Potters' to He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named. New evidence provided by Head of Magical Law Enforcement, Amelia Bones, and Black's former fiancee before his imprisonment, stated that Black didn't do anything he was accused of.

In a private trial headed by Madam Bones herself, which this reporter wasn't able to be part of but the details were released to me by Madam Bones, states that the actual Secret Keeper of the Potters and the killer of those twelve muggles on November 1st, 1981 was actually Peter Pettigrew!

Madam Bones didn't allow me to know anything else about the trial, but she has issued a statement. "I'm very relieved that Sirius didn't do anything he was accused of. In fact, I'm quite appalled that he was even accused of doing such things, and that Minister Bagnold didn't even allow him to have a trial to prove his innocence. All other Death Eaters had a trial, but Sirius didn't."

It shocks me that a Head of an Ancient and Noble House like Black could be accused of something like that and not be given a trial! Millicent Bagnold cannot be prosecuted as she died of a heart attack last year, but Barty Crouch Sr, the Head of the Wizengamot at the time, will be faced with some serious charges.

When I asked what Black planned to do, now cleared of all charges he stated: "I'm going to be getting married to my lovely fiancee Amelia, and I'm going to officially taking guardianship over my godson, like I was supposed to, thirteen years ago."

For more on Black, see page 2.

For more on Madam Bones, see page 3.

For more on the Wizengamot, see page 4.

For more on Peter Pettigrew, see page 5.

Harry couldn't help but cheer.

He admitted it. He danced on the table. Hermione and Ron even joined him.

Chapter Text

This is something I found on Tumblr. I don't think it's true, but it could have happened!

"Potter, can you stay behind for a second?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Sure Professor." Harry said, though he was confused. What did Professor McGonagall want with him? He hadn't done anything wrong, as far as he knew.

Sure there had been the whole flying a car to Hogwarts thing two weeks ago, but nothing else had happened.

"Now, I know that you don't need anymore reason to hate Voldemort," McGonagall started. "But I feel like this is something you should know. I was one of the few people who did, other than Alice and Frank Longbottom, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Amelia Bones."

Now Harry was even more confused. Alice and Frank Longbottom? Who were they? Were they Neville's parents, or relatives or some sort? Who were Sirius Black and Remus Lupin? And who was Amelia Bones? Was she related to Susan Bones, that Hufflepuff in her year?

"I'm sure that none of those names means anything to you." McGonagall sighed. "Do you happen to have that book that Hagrid gave you last year?"

Harry nodded, taking it out of his bag. He always took it with him. McGonagall took it and flipped through it until she reached a page and then turned it back to him. "This is Alice Longbottom, with her husband Frank. Alice was a good friend of your mother's. In fact, they were best friends. They each decided when they got pregnant around the same time, that they would be the godmother for each other's child. On July 30th, 1980, Alice gave birth to Neville Frank Longbottom. The next day, Lily gave birth to you."

Harry blinked. He and Neville were godbrothers? Why had nobody ever bothered to tell him?

McGonagall flipped to another page. "This is Remus Lupin. He was a good friend of your father's. He applied for guardianship over you when your parents died, but because of something he couldn't help, his request was subsequently denied." She sighed again. Obviously, whatever this Lupin guy was ostracized for, Professor McGonagall didn't like it.

She turned the page again, to the wedding photo of his parents. She pointed to a guy standing next to his father. "This was your father's best friend, Sirius Black. A lot of people believed that he was working for Voldemort since he was their secret keeper, but Sirius would never do something like that. He and James were like brothers. I would have gone to his trial, but the date was never publically stated. I haven't heard from him in…oh…eleven years now. I think that they must have changed the secret keeper at the last moment, but never told anyone."

Harry took note of this. So this Sirius Black was supposed the person who betrayed his parents to Voldemort, but according to Professor McGonagall, this wasn't something that Sirius would have done. If he ever met the guy, he would at least hear him out.

She flipped the page to a picture of the Longbottoms, Lupin, Black, and his parents dancing. Black was dancing with a witch with bright red hair, dark blue eyes and was laughing. "This is Amelia Bones, the aunt of Susan Bones, and the fiancee of Sirius Black. They were supposed to get married that winter, but because of him going off to Azkaban..." McGonagall trailed off.

"Anyways, only the six of us knew what I'm about to tell you. Lily had only found out about it the day before, and they were going to tell their friend Peter Pettigrew but they died before they could." Professor McGonagall said. "Lily was pregnant with her second child when she died."

Harry felt all the blood drain out of his face.

If Voldemort hadn't come...he would have been an older brother?

"I felt like you should know, since I'm the only person that could tell you at the moment. I was James' god-mother, which is why I know." McGonagall said.

"Thank you, Professor, for telling me." Harry said quietly. "Do you think you can dismiss me from my other classes? I don't think I could make it."

"Of course. I'll let Filius and Binns know." McGonagall said.

So apparently J.K. Rowling has revealed that Lily was pregnant when she died and somehow talked James into making Severus Snape the godfather. I don't see this happening, seeing as how Snape was a Death Eater at the time.

Plus, I couldn't find anything about J.K. Rowling actually stating that in an interview.

So it's probably just a headcanon, but what the hell! Let's do it!

I've always felt like there should be a reason McGonagall liked James and Sirius so much. Then I thought...why not make her James' godmother?

And I absolutely love Sirius X Amelia.

Chapter Text

My first thought for Snape being more batlike than a vampire was: Twilight.

I personally don't like the books. I've read 'em, but I like the movies much more, can't stand Bella, and I think that Robert Pattinson should never have had to play Edward. HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN HARRY POTTER and that CEDRIC DIGGORY NEVER SHOULD HAVE DIED!

The only reason I even read the books was to compare them to the movies. Alice and Jasper were the only people I could actually stand.


"Wonder who our new teacher is?" Hermione said, walking into the DADA room. The curtains were drawn completely back, letting no sunlight in whatsoever. However, the room was bright with florescent lighting usually only seen in muggle schools lighting the room.

"How did they do that?" Harry whispered. Hermione could only shrug.

"Hello everyone!" A cheerful pixie girl said from where she was standing. She was extremely pale, her eyes were golden, and she was wearing muggle clothing. "I'm your new DADA professor, Alice Cullen!"

Never in the six years that they had taken DADA had they had such a...cheerful professor.

"I'd just like to warn all of you that I'm a vampire, but I only drink animal blood." Professor Cullen said. "But just in case, try not to spill any blood, and please if I start to attack people, stun the hell out of me and pour some blood down my throat. No human blood though."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked at each other. Not even Professor Lupin had flat out told them that they were a werewolf. Why would this person tell them that they were a vampire?

"Now, let's go over the rules of this classroom. First of all! Wands will be used at all times. None of that awful theory work. Second of all! I personally am not magical. The most magical thing about me is my ability to see the future -" She trailed off. "By the way - Malfoy - you aren't going to want to try and kill Dumbledore in June. It'll just end up badly for you. Also, Harry, keep that Potions book of yours! It'll definitely help you prosper."

Everyone blinked at the so called Vampire teacher.

"And third of all, under no circumstances are you to prank somebody without me being in on it!" Professor Cullen said grinning.

"I think I would have rather had Snape for DADA." Harry said shocked as they walked out of the DADA room. "At least then, we would have known what to expect."

"I absolutely loved that lesson." Hermione said. "Nothing in the books we've had talked in so much detail about vampires! Who knew that there was something in their skin that made them sparkle!"

"Guess that debunks the theory that's Snapes a vampire. Otherwise, he'd have sparkled by now." Ron sighed.

"Maybe there's some sort of lotion that he puts on to keep himself from sparkling?" Neville suggested. "There's no way that he's not a vampire."

"We just met a vampire." Harry pointed out. "Snape isn't anything like her. Therefore, he isn't a vampire."

Chapter Text

Inspired by a tumblr headcanon made between daddycroftalwaysblind, and had-just-ten-hours-of-training

Harry Potter, Age 35, Running Around Muggle London, Naked!

By Rita Skeeter

Over the past two and a half decades, we've come to rely on Harry Potter.

After all, he is the Boy-Who-Lived-Twice, The 'Chosen One', Defeater of He-Who-Couldn't-Be-Named SIX times, and our current Head Auror.

However, now, we may have to withdrawn our subscriptions to the Harry Potter Fan Club, because our beloved hero has gone bonkers!

Ginny Potter, Harry's wife, stated that earlier in the week, he received a sinus infection that couldn't healed with magic. This infection causes serious shooting pains to the head and according to Mrs. Potter, it's exactly like the kind he dealt with when He-Who-Couldn't-Be-Named was still bothering him.

"Harry gets super paranoid with even the slightest head-ache. It's something that was brought on with Mad-Eye's death eighteen years ago, and just grew worse during that camping trip of theirs," Mrs. Potter stated. "According to the healers at St. Mungo's, it's supposed to last only for a couple of days. For Harry, a few days with a headache is torture."

Indeed it is, considering at the moment, our beloved Boy-Who-Lived is running around London in his birthday suit, firing off expelliarmus'. He's been reported to be arrested five times so far for public indecency, but that doesn't seem to be stopping him.

This reporter will keep you posted as it happens!

Chapter Text

Stupid Tumblr and their awesome ideas!

(Thank you 'themaraudersaredead' and 'rosalui' for this awesome headcanon!)

Sirius Black was a proud Gryffindor.

He loved the fact that his house caused his mother and father to have so much anguish. He took Muggle Studies to cause them even more anguish, and made as many references to pop culture in the Muggle World as much as possible.

He was eventually disowned for it, but he honestly didn't care. While his father, Orion, never officially disowned him, he knew he wasn't welcome at Grimmauld Place anymore.

And then, he found an amazing website on the internet that allowed you to create T-Shirts! He immediately created two of them. They were blinding white with the words: BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only. He sent one to Andromeda and got an angry reply back, saying that she'll never wear it.

During his time in Azkaban, he completely forgot about it. Maybe Kreacher had found it and tossed it away.

Fourteen Years Ago...

"Mistress! Guess what! Sirius has been placed in Azkaban for killing twelve muggles!" Kreacher exclaimed, holding out the paper to his mistress.

"Really?" Walburga Black asked, grabbing the paper from Kreacher's hands. "I didn't know he had it in him."

"They are sending all of his stuff from his flat here." Kreacher said.

"Alright - put it in his old bedroom. I don't have any use for it." Walburga said.

"Yes Mistress." Kreacher said. He grabbed each box and put them into Sirius' old room. One of the boxes broke and everything came out when he put it down. He carefully refolded the box and started placing everything back in it when he found a shirt that said BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only.

He had to admit that he chuckled.

Nymphadora Tonks was sorting through some of her mum's old things when she came across a shirt that said: BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only.

Hey, She thought. I have that Order meeting tomorrow. I should wear this!

She grabbed the shirt and threw it in the wash, so it'd be ready for the next day.

"I now call this meeting into session." Albus Dumbledore said. "Everyone, please introduce yourselves."

So it went on and on. Finally it got to be her turn.

"I'm Tonks," she said, standing up. "Just Tonks."

"Hey! I remember making those shirts!" Sirius Black (who apparentlywas innocent of all charges! Who knew?) said. "Your Andromeda's kid, right?"

Tonks only nodded. Sirius Black made this shirt? COOL!

Kreacher, who had been serving tea, said, "Oh - I remember that shirt. It's up in your old room if you want it."

Sirius raced up to his old room and found the shirt and threw it on.

"Okay, I'm back." He said.

"Mind telling the story behind the shirts?" Remus Lupin asked. Damn...he's hot Tonks thought.

"One day I was surfing the internet and I found this T-Shirt creation site. I created two shirts that said: BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only. It's part of my club for disowned members of the Black Family." He shrugged. "You can return to the meeting now."

Chapter Text

Harry Potter was sitting in the Great Hall in silence. Ron had just finished getting an earful from his mother about flying that car to school. Now he was waiting for Sirius' answer.

Would he be mad? Would he be proud?

He felt like had it been any other situation, Sirius would have been proud. Right now, he was kind of leaning toward mad.

And that's when the Howler came flying in. The whole hall was gearing up for another howler. No doubt this would be good. The howler was dropped in front of him and he tried to calmly open the letter up.


"SIRIUS, NO! Your supposed to be correcting his mistakes, not encouraging them!" He heard his unrelated uncle Remus Lupin cry in the background.

Fred and George Weasley on the other hand, were focusing on the fact that Sirius Black was supposedly a Marauder...

"YOU KNOW THE MARAUDERS?" They cried at Harry. Harry just blinked at them.

"Yeah, I know them." Harry said, no longer paying attention the howler that had just become a screaming match between Sirius and Remus (BST anyone?). "Dad was Prongs, Sirius is Padfoot, and Remus - that's the guy who just yelled: "SIRIUS, YOU DAMN IDIOT!" is Moony. We try not to talk about Wormtail."

Fred, George, and Lee all started bowing at Harry's feet saying, "We aren't worthy! We aren't worthy!"

Needless to say, it was one of the most interesting mornings at Hogwarts in a long time.