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A Grand Tale

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"Wait! Waaaaaaait!" Darcy was running as fast as her feet would move in those supremely uncomfortable (but supremely cute) new boots that were the first thing she could grab and still make it. She hadn't bothered to bring a coat or a hat, though it was the middle of winter, figuring those things would be unnecessary where she was headed.

The Bifrost was...powering up, for lack of a better descriptor. Darcy didn't really understand any of the science she worked on, but it didn't matter so much as long as she could do the work. Jane looked out at her, startled, from the gathering lights, just before Darcy dove forward and locked her arms around Thor's leg. Was this a stupid idea, she wondered as she choked on her own hair and felt her arms begin to rip out of their sockets? Probably, but they were already in space and it was too late to back out. Thor, to his credit, didn't try to shake her off. She knew she liked him for a reason.

The journey was considerably shorter than Darcy had expected, and she found herself crashing to a hard floor in a brilliantly gold room. Winded, she coughed out the chunk of hair going down her throat and took stock of all her various parts to make sure nothing was missing.

"What were you thinking?!" Jane got very shrill when she was upset, and this was perhaps a higher pitch than Darcy had heard before. "If you wanted to come along why didn't you say so before? That was really, really dangerous!"

Jane's face was flushed as she leaned over Darcy. Thor's beard loomed into view a moment later. Darcy smiled weakly. "It was a last minute decision," she wheezed. "Anyway, I didn't die, it's cool."

Thor grinned and looked across at Jane. "Her tenacity is admirable."

"What he said," Darcy added as she tried sitting up. The room tilted a little, and she would have lay back down if Jane hadn't thrown an arm around her shoulders. "Whoa. I haven't felt this high since freshman year."

"The Bifrost can be disorienting for mortals the first time," Thor said. He offered his hand and helped Darcy to stand while Jane steadied her from behind.

"Promise me you will never try something that stupid again?"

Jane looked so genuinely spooked now that Darcy felt bad and gave her a one-armed hug. "Yes, ma'am. Well, I'll probably do a lot of stupid things in the future, but I promise I won't jump out into space again without asking your first."

"Okay, that's...good enough." Jane didn't look totally convinced.

Darcy adjusted her clothes and hair, making sure nothing important had fallen out of her pockets. She finally took a good look at her surroundings; any doubts she may have had about the veracity of Jane's descriptions were blown out the window. "And this is just the entrance? Dang."

"Welcome back, Thor and Jane Foster. Greetings Darcy Lewis. It is a fine day for a Midwinter feast."

Jane had also not been exaggerating that all the Asgardians shared a particularly physique. Darcy might have been intimidated by the gold-plated man with strangely bright eyes standing over them if she hadn’t been preoccupied wishing he was wearing a bit less armor. "Hey, how's it going?" She pulled out her phone and pretended to check for a signal while she took a discreet photo of the man. Jane caught on and elbowed her in the side.

"Heimdall! Will you be joining us for the festivities tonight?" Thor, ever enthusiastic, gave a hopefully grin.

"No, my friend. I will be watching, as always." The answer was directed at Thor, but Darcy couldn't help but feel it was directed a little bit at her too, with the flick of Heimdall's golden eyes in her direction. She didn't regret the stealth photo, though.

"Alas! I will be sure some meat is sent to you before Volstagg eats all of it." Thor chuckled and started toward the door.

"I appreciate the thought, but my hopes are not high," Heimdall answered amiably.

"See you in a couple of days," Jane said with an awkward wave as she followed close behind Thor.

Darcy dashed after them with a rushed 'bye', a little bit relieved to be away from those unsettling eyes. "He can't see through clothes, can he?" she whispered to Jane when they were outside.

Jane looked as if she hadn't considered this before. "I don't know. Thor says he keeps an eye on me, though, so I'm pretty sure he's already seen us naked."

"Hmm," Darcy considered this and found she wasn't totally put off by the idea. "I'm not sure whether to be scandalized or aroused."

Jane didn't answer immediately, her eyes on Thor's back. "Me either," she whispered quickly, and trotted up to grab Thor's elbow, leaving Darcy to try to stifled her laughter in peace.

Once her giggles were under control, Darcy moved up to walk at Jane's other side; being by far the shortest of the three, she had to almost run to keep up. "So tell me about this feast we're going to. I probably shouldn't have worn jeans, huh? Will there be roast beast?"

"You probably should have thought of that before you invited yourself along," Jane shot back.

"It is an annual diplomatic celebration, any in the nine realms may attend," Thor countered gently. "There will be many roast beasts."

"Anyone? Even those Dark Elf guys?"

"Not them," Thor laughed. "Heimdall guards against guests with malicious intent."

"Why did you want to come all of a sudden, by the way?" Jane asked. "I thought you were taking a weekend trip with Ian?"

Darcy snorted. "The intern and I had some very different ideas about long-term relationships, as it turned out. I dumped him last night. A trip to space seemed a lot more fun than sitting at home with a tub of Rocky Road and Bridget Jones' Diary."

"Oh! I'm sorry, what happened?" Jane's face softened a bit, and she took a more kindly tone.

"Weeeell..." Darcy took a deep breath. She had been frightfully angry that morning, and she could feel it welling up again in her chest. “Turns out he was going to secret sex parties when he said he was taking a late class on Tuesdays. I didn’t even know those were a thing now in college. Undergrad, amirite?”

Jane looked at her with a mixture of horror and skepticism. Thor just looked mildly confused. “You were not invited to these sex parties?” he asked.

“No! And his excuse was he didn’t think I’d be into it. Which, well, he’d be right, but at least ask, yo. I wouldn’t have even found out about it if his other girlfriend – my ex-friend now, by the way – hadn’t posted a photo of them together at the last party on Facebook.” Darcy huffed.

Jane momentarily looked like a fish out of water. “…I would never have guessed any of this.”

Thor seemed to be putting two and two together. “Are orgies not acceptable on Midgard anymore?”

“They are on Asgard?” Darcy asked.

“I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation,” Jane added.

Thor nodded as if nothing was at all unusual happening. “Yes, they are quite common.”

“Okay, we are talking about something else now,” Jane interjected before he could say more. “Darcy, you should come with me to get a dress for the feast.”

“Sure, I could use a little retail therapy. I bet the shops here are bitchin.” Darcy was quite ready to forget about her breakup and focus on the fact that she was on another planet about to go to a Viking-esque feast with a lot of aliens. Aliens. Wow. “Do you think they take plastic? Because I don’t have any cash or gold coins or whatever they use here.”


Within an hour of arriving at the dressmaker, Darcy was surrounded by ladies with wide, admiring eyes tittering away and taking her bust to waist to hip ratio over and over again. Some of these women Darcy was pretty sure didn’t even work here, since they seemed to appear out of the woodwork. The reason she was getting so much attention was pretty obvious, but she was going to milk it for all it was worth anyway. “Yeah, I’ve had them since I was fifteen, can you believe that?” Darcy lifted her breasts slightly to maximize the effect.

Jane was already nearly done with her fitting on the other side of the room, but Darcy could still see her roll her eyes. “Hey Jane, you jelly?” Darcy snickered. “I’m surrounded by beautiful ladies over here and you’re not.”

“Of course not.” Jane sniffed delicately and surreptitiously looked down at her own, far less impressive, chest. Asgardian women praised a fuller figure, it seemed. “Did you find something you like yet?”

“It is so not my fault I was apparently born to wear Asgardian clothes. They’re the ones that keep picking out new stuff, not me.” Darcy turned to the side to admire her reflection in a raspberry confection of a dress that cinched perfectly at the waist. She had the exact right lipstick for this one in her purse. “I think I’ll have this one.”

“Finally,” Jane sighed. But she was smiling, taking a spin on her pedestal in the blue-green gown with delicate silver beading around the neckline she had chosen. “What do you think?”

“Mermaid princess, totally,” Darcy answered. “How about me? It’s not too much is it, with the…?” She pointed down at the ample cleavage showing over the low scoop neckline.

“It’s perfect on you. Besides, you deserve to have a wild night out. It’s just as therapeutic as shopping,” Jane said in her matter-of-fact way.

Darcy turned and looked at her over her glasses. “You sound like you have some experience with this. What are you getting me into here?”

“It’s you that wanted to come along, I won’t be held responsible for the consequences of you and your boobs being suddenly single on a planet of pansexuals.” Jane schooled her face into a suspiciously innocent expression and started playing with her hair in the mirror.

“Pansexuals, hm?” Darcy picked up her phone and snapped a selfie in her new dress.