"Okay, gather 'round, gather 'round. I've got an announcement to make, gather 'ROUND! Hey, Seraphiel, Second Chayot, whatever you call yourself today, STOP SINGING!"
"Good. Everybody here? Yes? You wheeled in the Ophanim? They're always late. And somebody make sure they're facing the right way, I don't want them complaining the whole time."
"All existing celestial citizens not on Earth present and accounted for, sir."
"You called up everyone not absolutely necessary on Earth?"
"Super. Good job, P. Okay, by the power vested in me by Our Father, who is not here to deal with this Himself because he's otherwise occupied-"
"Right. And the Dominions aren't fascistic, narcissistic little assholes."
"- and since shit has obviously hit the fan down on Earth, I'm gonna have to declare martial law. Now, the assign-- Hey, I'm not done! Silence! Silence!! Oh, would you SHUT UP!"
"You shut up!"
"I said 'you shut up'!"
"I heard you, I'm just trying to stop you from committing suicide BY ME!"
"Who died and made you--"
"Seriously, don't make me come over there, Cherub 15b, I'll kick you in all four of your faces!"
"Good. As I was saying, martial law is now in place instead of our usual highly democratic hierarchy. Yes, that means the Apocalypse is finally here. I'm sure you're all excited; I know I am. It's been a looong wait. I mean, seriously, there were so many close calls! A mere decade ago, the-- Huh? What was that, Kiraman Katibin 5 079 125?"
"Does this mean we'll be out of a job soon?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, if the Apocalypse has finally started, won't all humanity be judged and found--"
"Yes, yes, we all know how the story goes, what's the question?"
"There will be no more humans needing me to count their good and evil deeds. I'll be out of a job."
"Huh. I haven't thought of that. I guess Nakir and Munkar sections would be out of a job, too. All the dead shall rise from their graves – there will be no one to question."
"Sir, if I may interject just for a second here-- I believe the whole Earth-assigned contingent might be out of a job."
"Yes, sir. No humans, no job. I suppose. Sir. If you agree."
"Well, I'll be Earthbound, P. I haven't thought of that."
"I'm sure you would have, sir, very soon indeed, sir."
"Yes, yes, of course. I've been practicing my sword-fighting a lot lately, so there hasn't been much time for, uh, thinking. Did you know that I can do that cool spinning singing blades thing? It took AGES to master, but I did it! The trick is in the wrist, you see--"
"The martial law announcement? Everyone's still waiting, sir."
"Ah, yes! Okay then; remind me to tell you about the spinning later."
"Of course, sir, with exquisite pleasure, sir."
"Where were we?"
"The entire Earth-bound sector of celestials out of a job, sir."
"Yeah, that's right. Hmm.... Who can I-- Ah-HA! You know what? Put 'job reorientation and requalification' on Raphael's assignment sheet. Make it for the whole Earth-stationed sector. I think that'll be an adequate punishment for the holy oil incident, don't you?"
"I thought so, too. Back to business, then. LISTEN UP, we're not done! Powers, stop picking on the Malakh W.W.! You know humans already think they're winged babies in diapers who steal hearts and give them away to other humans, don't you think they're miserable enough?"
"Um, that's Cup--"
"SILENCE! Where were we? Oh, right. So, there'll be a few changes, since I'm in charge now and all. I've got the assignment sheet right here, and I'm gonna read the important parts now. The long version will be pinned to the message board to the left of the Pearly Gates. Please, try not to interrupt. Let's begin: Seraphs!"
"Didn't I tell you to STOP SINGING?!"
"Um, yes, Mikaaiyl?"
"You're staying here, since you're *cough*absolutely fucking useless*cough* Sorry, a feather in my throat. As I said, you'll be staying here and guarding the fort, so to speak. Do try to keep the singing down to a minimum, will you? We're at war, and trying to keep a low profile, the last thing we need is blowing our cover 'cause some beings can't keep their mouths shut."
"Um, I'm pretty sure everyone knows where Heaven is, what--?"
"HAVE I made myself CLEAR?!"
"Why were we not informed this was happening? One would think we would be the first ones you would notify. This is highly irregular!"
"Um, it was sort of sudden--"
"The least you could do was send a message to Ridwan. He is the one responsible for Heaven and all affairs concerning it."
"Well, you see, Earth--"
"Earth is irrelevant right now. What is going on?"
"...I couldn't find you?"
"Really? That is all you have to say for yourself?"
"You do not want to piss us off, Michael. We will bury you in so much paperwork, your vessel's grand-grand-grandchildren will be dead for a century before you manage to see the fluffy clouds of the Arctic circle again."
"What is done is done, however. It cannot be helped. We will let it slide this time, but you better watch yourself."
"Yes! Of course, certainly."
"Now, what did you want to say to us?"
"Um, most of you would stay here, but we have a skeleton crew on Earth as a coordination and relay post? Would, um, would that be okay?"
"Yes, it would be fine. We are in agreement with this."
"Oh, goo- *coughcough* I mean, good. I thought as much, heh."
"Movingonlotsofthingstodo! Cherubim and Ophanim? Cherubim and Ophanim!"
"What-- Are you listening to me?"
"You seem a bit... spacey."
"Um, sir? I'm very sorry to interrupt, but they've always been spacey. It's a thing. Sir."
"Oh! Right! I forgot about that. Very well then, you just... carry on. You'll be staying here as our final line of defense. ...If you even notice the demon army frolicking around the place."
"And finally, Virtues and Powers?"
"SIR, YES, SIR!"
"Ow! You're at the front lines with the Archangels and the grunts-- um, I mean, angels."
"SIR, YES, SIR!"
"OW! Note to self: put them in the back row next time. Okay, Heavenly Creatures, that is all. All Earth-bound and -connected celestials are to do their duties for now, and we'll have a reorientation form ready for you to fill out in a few months time. And please, try to behave like celestials this time! No one wants a repeat of the Millennium Melee, now do we? The freakin' clean-up alone took months."
"Right, like we don't know you caused the whole mess for a quickie with Morningstar."
"Does he seem puce-y to you? I'm-- Why is he getting bigger? Is he coming here?!? Oh, Heavenly Father, if you can hear me, GET OVER HERE, YOU SQUINTY OLD TWAT!"
"ISRAFEL!!! GET BACK HERE, YOU CHICKEN-SHIT LITTLE... CHICKEN SHIT! I'M GONNA SHOVE THAT TRUMPET OF YOURS SO FAR UP YO--"
"Sir, come back! Sir! Sir, you haven't--"
"Relax, dear boy. They're gone."
"Wh-- But-- I'm--"
"Whoa there! Breathe, little fledgling, breathe. It's not a big deal, seriously. So the last time this happened, Israfel had to hide in a cave on Earth for a couple of centuries-- big deal! Michael cooled off eventually, and ever since then humans refer to Israfel as Yeti the Snowman. Just between you and me? I think his feelings are a bit hurt. That's why he's touchy on the subject ever since."
"As I said, relax, son! They'll be back eventually. But in the meantime, I've got a question for you."
"Umm, yes, of course, Mr. Metatron, sir."
"Have you by any chance seen Gabriel out here? He hasn't been around much lately...."