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Lorne's List of No (Five Songs He Wishes People Wouldn't Sing for Him to Read Their Futures By)

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5) "Que Sera, Sera." He has actually had several people ask him to tell their futures, then sing this song all about "the future's not ours to see" while being apparently unaware of the irony. This hurts his soul.

4) Whatever that country song is that has the line "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." Lorne is not usually a grammar snob. Lorne is all about live and let live. But with this song it is ALL HE CAN DO not to grab the singer by the shoulders and say, "Cupcake. WHAT is the antecedent of 'where' in that lyric? 'AMERICAN?' NO NO NO."

3) "Monster Mash." Many, many people think it's funny to sing "Monster Mash" at him. It isn't.

2) Any song ever done by the Pretenders. Lorne used to like them just fine, but for some bizarre reason he has never, not once, seen a future for a singer-of-a-Pretenders-song that wasn't just horrific, full of dreadful personal tragedy. Lorne can't make any sense out of this at all, but he's instituted a ban on Pretenders songs. It doesn't change anybody's fate, and whatever the poor woulda-picked-Pretenders schmuck sings, Lorne's still gonna know in the first few notes, but at least he doesn't spend the whole evening looking at the sign-up sheet he uses for introductions and knowing before he even knows, you know?

1) Any song about Texas. Lorne's got nothing against Texas, but these songs remind him of Fred, and there are not enough cocktails in the world on a night when he gets reminded of Fred.

 

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