"Julia! JULIA!" Simon bellowed, skidding naked into the kitchen.
Julia didn't answer, busy as she was with her head bent over a half-finished project on the kitchen table. Simon approached and tapped her none too lightly on the shoulder.
"Dude, what?" said Julia, distractedly, not looking up.
"I'm a female!" Simon announced, voice high and slightly strangled. Julia appeared not have heard, as she had already gone back to situating little plastic shapes just so on a brown paper bag.
Simon goggled at Julia, shocked at her nonchalance. "Are you even listening to me? I have a cunt!"
"I know you're a cunt," said Julia affectionately, turning away from Simon to clean up the bits of plastic debris littering the table.
"You're NOT listening to me!" In desperation, Simon swept the whole mess off the table and onto the floor with an open palm.
"Simon!" said Julia, scandalized. "My shrinky drinks!"
"Fuck the shrinky dinks!" yelled Simon. "Look at me!"
He grabbed Julia's hand and brought it between his legs just as she finally turned to look at him. Julia gasped quietly, snatching her hand away automatically, then almost immediately putting it back.
"Oh my god," she breathed, flicking her fingers to part the hair on Simon's vulva.
The hair. On Simon's. Vulva.
"What the fuck," said Julia, no less airily as she dropped her hand again, though a little more slowly this time.
"I was trying to tell you," said Simon, voice small and a little shaky, like he was feeling the crash after a rush of endorphins.
"What -- ? I mean, how -- ?"
"I don't know!" said Simon, leaning back against the counter and running both hands over his face. "I was taking a nap, right, and then I just woke up... like this!"
Julia tilted her head at him. "I didn't know you nap naked."
Simon lowered his hands slightly to glare at her over the tips of his fingers. "I don't," he said, testily. "Excuse me for tearing all my clothes off in a panic when I realized I'd been spontaneously sex changed."
Julia shook her head as if to clear it, obviously at a loss. "Well, I mean... What should we do?"
Simon sighed, crossing his arms over his goosepimply breasts, slightly annoyed that Julia hadn't even commented on their niceness yet.
"Well," he said, shifting his feet as Julia continued to stare ardently, "According to google-- "
"Wait, are you telling me the first thing you did on waking up with new genitals was to ask google?"
"Shut up, okay! What would you have done?"
"I dunno, wanked off?"
"You're assuming I didn't," muttered Simon grumpily.
"Did you?" asked Julia, stepping closer, looking even more curious than before.
"Maybe," Simon hedged shiftily. "Whatever, that's not the point!"
"What is the point?" asked Julia, reaching up to gently pull Simon's arms away from his chest so she could look. His voice took on a calmer quality as she began to lightly stroke his nipples.
"The point is that this happens a lot! It's apparently really common among, uh, guys in bands, and uh... actors in currently popular films... there's all these stories about it... yeah, a little harder."
Julia obliged him by pinching the nipple between her fingers more firmly.
"So, is there a cure?" she asked, not stopping.
"Uh huh," breathed Simon faintly, nodding with his lower lip between his teeth. "Sex."
"Really?" Julia asked, a little taken aback. "Why are we still talking, then?"
With that she dropped to her knees, tapping gently at the inside of Simon's to get him to spread his legs. A groan escaped from Simon's throat as she leaned in, nuzzling her nose into his hair and using two fingers to spread his cunt lips. She used the tip of her tongue to lap at Simon's clit, delicately at first, then harder and with less control as Simon tangled his fingers rapturously in her hair.
"Julia," Simon whispered as she took him apart against the kitchen counter with her tongue. He tried not to hump her face, but was mostly unsuccessful. He had been unprepared for how hot it would be to look down and see Julia sucking on his clit.
"Oh god," Simon groaned, a tiny note of panic returning, "I have a clit."
"Um, I know," said Julia, voice slightly muffled by Simon's vulva. "You want?" she asked, rubbing the tips of two fingers around the opening of his vagina.
"Yeah, yes, please," said Simon, trailing off to a high-pitched whine when Julia thrust them inside. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, " he repeated under his breath, all other vocabulary deserting him as he swiveled his hips against Julia's face. He felt drops of sweat forging cool trails from his armpits down over the sides of his breasts. His mind had gone all fuzzy, as had his panting mouth. He licked dry lips with an equally dry tongue and looked down at Julia.
His orgasm washed over him with sudden sharpness when he saw that Julia had shoved her free hand into her own jeans. He cried out, and probably kicked out, thrashing his body carelessly against the hard lip of the counter. His vision went a little sparkly and black at the edges, just for a second.
"Fuck," he muttered when he came back to himself. "Wow! I mean, thanks, seriously... that was..."
"No, really... I can't even... Oh my god!" He screamed suddenly, voice pitched high again, but this time with delight. "I switched back!"
"Simon, look at me..."
But Simon did not, too busy running his palms over his body, satisfying himself that it really had reverted to the state in which he was accustomed to finding it.
"SIMON!" Julia bellowed, from her position still on the floor. "I'm trying to tell you I have a dick!"
"I know you're a --" Simon began distractedly. "Wait, what?"