It is a beautiful summer day. A gentle breeze blows through the tall grass as our hero woos his love.
Justin D’ Artagnan sighs and leans in for another kiss. “If we had but yet another night together, I would show you how deeply my love for you goes.” He runs his hand through silky locks.
“Ow.” Nick sits up and rubs his head. “How many times have I told you to take your gloves off before you do that? You’re pulling all my hair out.”
The sound of a galloping horse is heard and both men sit up.
“D’ Artagnan! I come to defend the honor of my brother!” Howie jumps off of his horse and prepares to pull out his sword. After a couple of tries he manages to unsheathe it and brandish it awkwardly. “Damn, this thing is heavy.”
Justin D’ Artagnan stands and adjusts his pants, tossing his head back for a full-throated laugh. “Ah ha . . . you think you can defeat ME . . . I am the mighty Thor . . . prepare to meet your doom.”
Nick clears his throat “Dude. That is the wrong movie.” In a stage whisper.
Justin looks at him and nods “Right. Yes. Well . . . I am the defender of the . . . ” trailing off as Nick shakes his head “ . . . The Dali llama?” looks at the screen with wide eyes. “Well, right . . . I’m off.” he mounts his beautiful horse and rides off yelling ‘hi ho silver . . . away’ behind him.
“Wait! I haven’t been able to declare that my brothers will avenge me.” Howie yells as he drags his sword behind him.
“Don’t worry. You’ll get a chance later.” Nick assures him, patting him on the back. “You need to improve your timing bro. You’re supposed to bust in AFTER I get some nookie.”
Howie nods and the scene slowly fades to black.
The next scene that would be played out has been removed. Due to contractual and insurance obligations we couldn’t have the golden child jumping branches. Nor could he jump off of things onto big burly dudes to save two lovely damsels in distress. Those damsels in distress that were indeed safe all along because the big burly dudes were in fact their own personal bodyguards.
Justin kicks at the dirt. “Well how was I to know?”
You weren’t, dear Justin D’Artagnan. The scene was cut out.
And so gentle readers our story has been started. Now some of you may know that amongst all the bad guys in the world there is one common denominator. The evil sidekick. This person is the one that gets to do all the scut work while the bad guy gets to strut around and threaten people with a menacing smirk. The perk of the being the evil sidekick is the amazing power trip it provides. Not to mention the uproar it causes the fans.
Jesse Rochfort makes his way to the balcony of musketeer headquarters, smiling importantly at the sea of blue tunic wearing men below him. The smile widens as he sees the poster board that reads “Jesse N Lance 4eva” and he waves to them.
“We love you, Jesse!” someone screams from the back.
Jesse nods and clears his throat. “Thank you.” He calls then gets a serious look on his face. There is no telling if it’s because he has news to impart or he poked himself with his sword however. “By edict of the King of France the musketeers are officially disbanded.” There is an extended pause for effect as the natives below get restless.
Never fear, there always should be a CPD early in every story. To give it oomph, you know.
The wizened old musketeer steps forward to challenge the Captain. Fortunately his teeth do not fall out. “But who will protect the king?”
Jesse smirks “That’s for me to know and for you to find out.” Then as the grumbling continues. “Fine . . . fine. The cardinals *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* own big burly dudes with swords have already assumed this responsibility. You are ordered to dis. Dispu . . . Dis . . . ” Turns to consult the royal thesaurus. “Break apart. Should any one of you resist you will all be thrown in the smelly dungeon. Believe me . . . you don’t want to go down there.” His smirk turns to a wicked wicked smile. “All for one.” There is a brief pause and then you can almost hear the laugh in his voice. “And one for all.”
The wizened old musketeer can barely contain himself, or he could have a bad case of heart burn. After a pause he pulls off his sparkly tunic and throws it on the conveniently burning pyre at his side. Thrusting his sword into the ground he turns and walks away. His actions are followed by the large gang of people around him and soon there are a bunch of nearly naked men who don’t bathe running around in tights and thigh high boots.
The narrator can’t yet decide if that’s sexy or just plain gross. So you know . . . whatever your preference. I will not judge.
Jesse turns and wanders back into the headquarters, blood pounding through his veins after his confrontation. His smile fades as he is confronted by the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls*. The man of god stops in front of him, long red robes swirling to drape across his body. He holds out his hand and Jesse bows over it and kisses the pet rock on his right hand.
“Nice touch with that last bit Jes, one would have thought you wanted them to riot.” The southern accent thick as Lance looks at him with regal superiority.
Jesse’s mouth twitches “Well it would have been a lot of fun to subdue them.”
“Your tendencies toward domination amuse me, but there is no time to act on that now. You must find and destroy the three musketeers so we can continue on with the story line and I may finally rule the world.” His voice echos through the great hall.
“Sorry cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls*, but don’t you mean France?”
“Well yes, France . . . but there is no limit to how far my power takes me. I have an all access pass.” Lance turns, flipping his robe over one arm as he strolls away from the man that looks after him admiringly. “Take care of them Jesse.”
Jesse arches an eyebrow and takes out his sword and whirls elegantly in a circle, sword knocking over the three candlesticks to clatter loudly on the floor. He looks around to make sure no one saw and then quickly makes his way out of the building.
It is in the building the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* and Jesse Rochfort just left that our next scene takes place. Presumably afterwards because the musketeers weren’t disbanded before, silly.
Joey Athos crouches in the debris of the room, contemplating whether to call a maid to have her clean it or just to have sex with him. He is in a sour mood and would rather not have company he decides. Justin D’Artagnan strides confidently in the room and scares the crap out of Joey. His mood worsens.
“Is this musketeer headquarters?” Justin asks peppily.
“This was musketeer headquarters.” Joey is not in the mood for peppy.
“So they’ve moved.” Justin walks closer, irritated with the tone of the man in front of him.
Joey sighs “They’ve been disbanded. Feel free to poke around for souvenirs, just watch out for the undies. Some of them are less than fresh.”
Justin walks up to the man, attitude in full force now “You’re NOT being very helpful.”
Joey stands and Justin backs up a little, not expecting him to be quite that big. “You need a lesson in manners, boy.” Joey growls at him.
“A.. Anytime.” Justin stutters but lifts his chin high.
“Meet me by the ruins on the edge of town at noon.” Joey turns on his heel.
Justin nods, relieved and a little turned on. He adjusts himself before turning to explore the headquarters avoiding the many many pairs of panties. But he did take a little black bear with a musketeer hat on it for good luck. Outside in the bright sun he mounts his horse and rides into the city.
He winces at the familiar screech. That damn Howie. He turns his horse and sees it is indeed Howie, with the rest of the backstreet clan. Sighing he turns in the opposite direction and kicks his horse into high gear for the race through the streets. Disembarking from his horse he hands it to an unknown kid to keep and continues on foot, hoping to lose the troublesome group. In his flight he manages to knock over a Red Bull into the lap of a hyperactive little man.
With a roar Chris stands “Argh, you little shit. What have you done? This sash was a gift to me from the Queen of America.”
Justin pauses in his attempt to apologize. “Wait a minute. There’s no Queen of America.”
“Yeah, and a bus school dropout like you would know! I’ve been quite intimate with her, like you would know what that is either.” He smirks.
“Who are you again?” Justin says with disdain.
“The mighty Chris Porthos, haven’t you heard of me?”
“Yeah. The worlds tallest munchkin maybe.”
Chris pulls himself to his full height “Little pimple, you and I are gonna sort this out. Meet me at the Luxemburg at two o’clock and bring a long wooden box.”
Justin snorts. “Bring your own, old man.”
At this point of our story we lose track of the young Justin D’Artagnan. But we really don’t care because now we get to see the ever so amazingly handsome JC Aramis with his lovely dark-brown hair curling around his face, the clean cut of a goatee gracing the sharp jaw. And our author would like to also point out those beautiful eyes and the way his lips move . . . um . . . well . . . yes, back to the story.
JC Aramis sits beside a young lady, curly red hair and heaving bosom. Generous lips parted as she watches and listens to him read to her.
“I'm gonna take you on a ride-Make you wanna jump and kiss the sky-I'm gonna take you forty thousand high-Just cause you're my girl tonight.” he speaks quietly and reverently. Seeming honestly surprised when the woman launches herself over and kisses him with tongue. He pushes her back just the barest of bits. “Madame, I am flattered but I am here to school you in the art of song writing.”
“But Monsieur JC, I became impassioned as I heard your words and felt the need to jump your bones even though the airplane won’t be invented for another 100 years.” She breathes.
JC nodded as if he got that all the time. “Well I always do say people must embrace their passion. Can I touch those?” looking down at her cleavage.
Our lady nods just before a huge crashing knock distracts them. “Let me in!”
“Oh dear, it’s my husband.”
“You’re married?” JC looks aghast.
She looks at him “We have an arrangement.”
The door slams open as JC grabs for his hat. “Does he know that?” he ducks a shot as he jumps through the window cursing his luck. “I knew I should just stick with boys.” He runs down the porch and jumps onto a hay truck eventually rolling off and jumping onto our lost Justin D’Artagnan. “Thank you. You broke my fall perfectly. I do apologize.”
Justin had just about had it with this day. And this guy was laying on him with a hard-on. “Get off!” he pushes him off, but not without a grope first.
“How rude? I apologized.”
“Well, you can take your apology and stuff it.” Justin brushed the dust off and patted down his errant curls.
“I hope your sword is as quick as you mouth.” JC crossed his arms across his chest.
“It’s definitely quicker than yours.” Justin shot back.
He shook his head. “Ok boy, meet me behind the monastery at one.”
Justin nodded and watched JC walk away. He looks at the screen for a moment before arching an eyebrow. “Three duels in one day? That wasn’t the kind of action I was looking for but ok.”
The segue in this story leaves much to be desired. But to pass the time until his next big scene Justin D’Artagnan would like to entertain you by singing the Mouseketeer song while doing a strip tease.
The Queen stands looking at the large map of the world, her despair evident by the way she sighs hugely ever other moment. The Cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* Lance strolls in authoritatively stopping just beside her, waiting until she turns to kiss her hand.
“Princess Ashlee, you look troubled. What is it?” he stands by trying not to look bored.
“It’s my sister.” The Queen sighs.
Lance nods, folding his hands across each other. “You must miss her.”
Ashlee gives him an annoyed look. “Hell no, I hate her. She’s such a big star I’ll always just be following in her Gucci footsteps. No one really knows how manipulative she is.” She sighs “I could treat Nick much better.”
“But you have the king . . . ” Lance starts.
“Aaron? He’s not a man. He’s a pet. Now Nick! That’s a piece of ass I could take a bite of.”
Lance secretly agrees “Love is . . . I think. Wasted on the young.” He starts, breaking off as King Aaron rounds the corner.
“Cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls*! I want answers. Oh hello, Ashlee.” He sighs and gives her puppy dog eyes. Totally missing the eye roll.
“Perhaps if I knew the question sire.” Disdain was obvious in his voice.
“Oh yeah.” He thinks for a minute. “Something about . . . um . . . the musketeers . . . or something.”
“Yeah, I let them go. The timing was right to move on with my evil plan.”
“Ashlee . . . you look lovely.” Aaron isn’t paying attention.
Ashlee huffs and turns and walks out. “Child” clearly heard to echo around the great room.
The king obviously forgets why he was there and leaves muttering about the new play station.
The cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* stands there as Jesse Rochfort comes up behind him.
“The king is a little weird.” He says to Lance.
“The king is a pain in my ass. Did you get those musketeers yet?” Lance turns on him, green eyes flashing.
“I haven’t even tried.”
“The loss of one testicle was unfortunate Jesse, with the loss of the other the knife may slip and the lost of your manhood would be most inconvenient. Don’t you think?” Lance’s tone was bitter.
“Yes your Imminence.”
“Then get to it before I have you castrated.” Lance flips his robes over one wrist and stalks from the room. “I can see that.” He calls back as Jesse makes faces at his back. “Immature little twink.”
As you can clearly see our lovely Cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* is in quite the mood. He is yelling at his loyal evil sidekick. Threatening castration. He really must not be that good in bed. Justin is on the eighth refrain of the Mouseketeer song while he waits, about to start on the 100 bottles of the beer on the wall sing along. Which would fit well with our next scene don’t you think?
The bar was broken up. Bodies and furniture littered the floor. Lots of tied up people all over the place. A red tunic ed guard steps in with his posse.
“Do you have a VIP pass? If not, get the hell out.” Joey Athos growls before pouring a tankard of ale down his throat.
“Joey. That’s no way to greet our guests. Please join us. Your friends have been expecting you. I’m afraid we’re out of bondage gear. Did you happen to bring any tethers?” JC looked at them hopefully.
The guard unsheathes his . . . sword. “You’re under arrest.”
Joey smirks “Yeah? Who says?”
Jesse walks in from the street. “Me.”
“Hello again. You one balled evil sidekick. When was the last time we ran into him Joe?” JC leaned forward looking at Jesse’s crotch.
“When he was thrown out of the musketeers perhaps? Conduct unbecoming a musketeer, wasn’t that it?” Joey raised an eyebrow.
“He was legal. I swear. We’re in France not the Americas.” Jesse protested then straightened to his full height. “No matter. You will surrender your commissions and tunics. You can refuse of course. I’d love to hunt you down and kill you.”
Suddenly there were a loud yell and crash. All the guards except Jesse are caught under a large chandelier that just fell and Chris is standing on it. “You know if you guys are gonna make me be up on things and do free falls you can at least give me a parachute.” He sees Jesse still standing. “Dammit, I missed Jesse. Tell me, to clear up the big question . . . Is it ‘e’, ‘ie’ or ‘y’ for your name? Cause dude. It’s become a war zone on LJ.”
Joe and JC stand slowly, brandishing their swords. “We’ll see ya later Jesse. Tell the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* that WE will protect the king. Even though his little spoiled ass doesn’t deserve it. Later.” Joey levels Jesse with a look.
“You know I got the raw end of the whole deal. Why don’t I get the lightning and thunder when my name is mentioned?” Chris is griping as they walk out the door.
“Because you get to be the fierce pirate. Pillaging and plundering.” JC tells him as they mount their horses.
“Drinking rum.” Joey adds.
“I don’t like rum. I want mountain dew.” Chris protests.
JC looks at him weirdly. “Dude, Mountain Dew won’t be invented for another couple of a hundred years.”
“I want it NOW!” kicking his horse into a trot as the others start without him. “And why can’t we have golf carts instead of these smelly four legged animals? Yuck!
Joey turns back and looks at Chris. “Stop living in the future! We’ve got to follow things the way they were in France in whatever year this is.”
“That’s another thing. If we’re in France why is everyone speaking with a southern accent? Didn’t anyone read that we were supposed to have a French accent for this crap? The realism sucks here.”
“Shut up Chris!” the other two said in unison and the trio continued on in silence until they get to the ruins.
As luck would have it. The ruins, behind the Luxemburg and the monastery are all the exact same place. Talk about CPD. Of course our young Justin is sincerely sick of his own voice and is happy to be at a part in the movie where he’s actually participating.
“About time y’all got here?” Justin slides off his horse.
“Joey, you cannot fight this boy. I have a duel with him today.” Chris declares.
JC nods “I do too.”
Joey laughs “Well, let’s get this beating over with then shall we?” he pulls off his cloak to reveal a musketeer’s tunic.
“Wait. You’re a musketeer?” eyes widen as they all reveal the matching sparkly tunic. “You’re all musketeers? I’ve been looking for you.”
“Well you’ve found us and chosen your opponents well.” Joey pulls out his sword.
“I’m a man of honor, but I must tell you, it does not make me happy to kill you. I’ll be with you gentlemen in a moment.” Justin ran a hand over his hair before putting up his sword.
“Feisty.” Chris remarked.
“Feisty indeed.” JC agreed.
The royal guard in red (RGIR for short) ride into view just before the duel starts which is a good thing because Joey would have crushed Justin with his stompy boots.
RGIR “There they are.”
Joey sighs “Only a fool would try to arrest us twice in one day.”
Lead RGIR “You’re under arrest.”
JC and Chris look at each other and nod “A fool.”
The RGIR dismount and look all menacing and crap “So do you intend to resist?”
Chris gives him the hairy eyeball “Don’t be stupid. Of course we intend to resist, give us a moment.”
They turn into a three-man huddle “Three of us, five of them. Doesn’t seem fair does it?” Pushes Justin out of the way as he tries to sneak into the huddle.
JC nods “Probably should give them at least the chance to surrender.”
Justin sighs and muscles his way in. “You know I AM here. There are four of us.”
“This isn’t your fight lad. You’re not a musketeer.” Joey dismissed him.
“I may not wear the tunic but I believe I have the heart of a musketeer.” Justin taps his chest with his fist and throws up two fingers.
“Warrior.” Chris remarks.
“Poet” JC adds.
“Got a name boy?” Joey reluctantly asks.
Justin almost jumps up and down. “D’Artagnan, Justin.”
The other three share the ‘this is insane and he’s gonna be killed and whine the entire time’ look. Joey then points to them each in turn. “Joey, Chris, JC.”
“Hello.” Chris gives him a noogie.
“Nice to meet you.” JC saves him and pats the curly hair.
“Everyone introduced? Are we ready to do this?” Joey snarls.
They all nod and Chris turns to the RGIR and bows. “Now, we are ready to resist you.”
Swords are drawn and so ensues the game of the times. Sword fighting to the tune of Digital Get Down. Because even though computers and cyber sex wouldn’t be discovered for many many years, it’s a good tune for sword fights. Since swords were more popular in those days there was no gratuitous river dance choreography when shots are fired at the feet of the intended victims. The movie is that much poorer for it really. Needless to say our three musketeers make short work of stabbing everyone to death and looking dashing while doing it. Our young friend Justin negotiates to fight atop the ruins. He volunteered and Chris is very grateful for that. Because WHOA HEIGHTS! So even as he does a bang up job fighting the one guy he faces. Joey is still his mean surly self afterwards. Getting into the role a little much isn’t he? Joey dismisses him as Juvenile. Justin really hates always being the baby so he stupidly hangs around the ruins after the others leave so he can sulk.
Thus it is no big surprise really that when the second crew of RGIR show up he does something stupid and charges them screaming “LONG LIVE THE MUSKETEERS!” to show he’s big man on campus. Since he is a mere boy and only one person. The other six easily subdue him, tie him up and take him to the castle dungeon. And you thought I was a deviant for wanting my own dungeon. Kings had them all the time back then. And the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* seems to very much enjoy this one. It gives him pleasure, he says.
Unfortunately this part really drags. Justin is confronted by Jesse who is brandishing the young man’s sword at him. Justin has a young persons feeling of immortality and is brazen and bold. Chris would have been proud. It all leads up to Justin eventually witnessing the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* making plans to get into bed with the Duke of Buckingham who surprisingly looks like Captain Jack Sparrow. It’s an awkward alliance really. But kind of hot if you think about it. But I digress. He also learns of Calais and the ship Persephone and some messenger person of unknown identity and gender.
Justin however is careless and caught again. Which is a wonderful prelude into the whole execution scene. Because of COURSE he must be killed because he knows too much. Also, the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* thinks he’s much too cute to live. He can be the only blonde in this story. Which is also why the king must go. See, you KNEW there was a connection. You’ve now realized the plot. But keep reading anyway.
Justin was feeling a little nervous. After all it was only his second day in the city and here people were trying to take his head. Really it was a little much. He’d just wanted to become a musketeer, score a little bling, make a little love. That kind of thing. But here he was in front of a crowd of people screaming his name and it wasn’t like any of his dreams because he was about to be headless. The cross reference is unintentional as the original player of Jack Sparrow experiences a flashback to a previous movie also involving horses and bad accents.
Of course Howie had to be out in the crowd with his ‘brothers’ he thought he was so cute too with his ‘D’artagnan, don’t lose your head’. Spineless girly man. There was a reason he’d hooked up with Nick. Nick was the man of the bunch. Justin took a deep breath and tried to control the fear that went through him when the coffin mistress measured him... from the neck down. It wasn’t any better when the priest came over to him as he was being placed in the gallows.
“Fear not my son. All for one and one for all.” JC said with a grin as he opened his bible to reveal a revolver.
“This ax was given to me by the Czarina of Tokyo.” Chris leaned over to tell him.
Mayhem again ensued. Ropes were cut, people were screaming, Joey pulled up alongside the stage with a carriage and invited everyone aboard. The cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* was pissed and looked extremely hot while being so. Of course the carriage was all tricked out. Red velvet and tassels like a bordello on wheels. Being a man of god, he was used to the sacrifices necessary to serve. He just didn’t follow them. It was all part of his evil plan.
“The cardinals *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* secret snack chamber!” Chris said in delight pulling out pixie sticks and red bull.
JC sneered at the box he had found “Is he a man of god or a man of gold?” then stood to hand the box to Justin. “Throw these out to the peasants, man.” Sighing as Justin looked at him in confusion. “So they can buy more of our merchandise. Throw the coins.”
Justin dumped the box over the side of the carriage, smiling when JC told him he did a good job.
Chris popped up then holding a bottle of bud light “Domestic?” showing it to Joey.
“Chris, we’re in the middle of a chase.” Joey looked at him, snapping the reins against the horses again.
“You’re right.” Chris ducked down and came back up. “For a chase, the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* recommends foreign beer. A corona with a lime. You can’t have any. You’re too young.”
Joey laughed. “Take the reins boy.” He handed the horses over to Justin and took the beer taking a long swallow.
“The cardinal! I forgot to tell you guys the plan!” Justin looked distressed. “He has a messenger going to Calais to get on the Persephone to take a letter to the Duke of Buckingham.”
“Short, sweet and to the point. I like that in a plot.” Chris commented, hanging onto the top of the carriage.
“You know. The cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* is kind of hot.” JC was a bit distracted.
Chris had to roll his eyes “Yeah and he’s got good sound effects too. Just get over him already.”
JC glared “You’re just jealous because I have a better chance of getting him than you do.”
“Yeah! Right.” Chris snorted. “He would so want your scrawny butt over my fine one.”
“A challenge then?” JC raised his eyebrow.
“A challenge indeed.” The pirate nodded sagely.
“I can’t believe you guys are going to compete over who can bed our mortal enemy.” Joey pulled over in disgust. “Get out. I need to blow this sucker up. Somebody get the horses.”
So crisis averted, challenge issued, carriage destroyed . . . our favorite trio turns into a quad. Which is kind of kinky if you think about it. The celebration begins later that night in a pub of no name.
Chris sits at a table, wench on his lap and one so close he can feel her nipples. Across from him sit an amused JC and a confused Justin.
“So young Justin, tonight’s lesson will be in the art of wenching.”
“So . . . um . . . Chris I thought you were gay.” He asked, watching.
“Chris likes sex. Whomever he can get it from. You may want to watch out if you have to bunk with him.” JC laughs.
“Heathen! How dare you spoil my game plan?” But laughing so Justin isn’t quite as worried. “But anyway . . . back to the lesson. The first kiss. Well that’s where it all starts and sets the tone for the rest of the night. If it is weak, you are weak, funny you are a comedian . . . you can compare and contrast later.” Kisses the wench in his arms with a fierce passion. When finished the lady seems dazed, Chris is smug. “You may speak if you wish. Your name, her name. But words are a waste of time really. Just get going with the good stuff you know.”
“Only the wrong words Chris. Allow me to demonstrate.” JC moves so that he is in front of the lady. “ And do you know my name?-(Do you know my name?)-Does it make a difference anyway?-The way you love to tease-And tonight I'm on my knees.”
Chris lunges across the table at him and they are on the floor making out for a few minutes before Chris gets a hold of himself. “Ok . . . ok.” Slightly breathless. “I may have been wrong. Or it may have been the part where you were gonna be on your knees. Because DAMN that’s a nice visual and I’ll probably be jerking off to that for a while.”
“Well, you know you don’t exactly have to jerk off to it. I could do it for you.” JC said coyly.
“Offer accepted.” He stands and helps JC up where they look over to where Justin is sitting next to a girl looking at her chest.
“Can I touch those?” he asks. JC smiles.
“The boy’s a natural.” JC declares.
Music comes on and Chris perks up. “Ooh, a lively tune. I’m inspired to dance.” Starts the choreography to ‘POP’.
Justin finishes his groping and sits next to JC, nodding his head in Joey’s direction. “What’s up with Joey?”
JC looks over. “He’s taking his tortured heartbroken musketeer role WAY too seriously. He’s never gotten to be the surly one. I don’t think it’s good for him.”
“You mean he’s not normally all brusque and bitter?”
“Nope, he’s the teddy bear.” Then looks over at Chris, having to smile fondly as he started to strip. “Excuse me, I need to go rescue the world from seeing his lily white ass. It’s only for me to see.” He stood and wandered over to where Chris was pulling him into the shadows for a slow dance before leading him up the stairs.
Justin watched Joey drink. Matching him until he passed out.
The next morning arrives way too early and way too bright. But our heroes have no time to rest and recover from bad hangovers and a night of excesses. All the bounty hunters in the country are on their trail and there is yet another chase. The musketeers, now three and a half split into two teams to escape.
Meanwhile in the Queen’s bath chamber the queen stands from her bath and accepts the robe gratefully before turning to see it is not her lady in waiting. But the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls*.
Lance smiles “Ah, it had been way too long since I’d heard nature herald my title.”
Ashlee looks at him as if she can’t believe what she’s seeing. “Did you get a nose job?”
The smirk turns to irritation. “No! I! DID! NOT! GET! A! NOSE! JOB!” I had sinus surgery.”
“Right.” She nodded. “So what are you doing in here with me nearly naked?”
“Apparently my fan base thought I was a little too ‘gay’ and the PR guys thought I should be seen with more women rather than always being seen with my evil side kick Jesse or men with big bulging . . . ”
The PR guys would like to interrupt this scene to clarify that Lance did not have a nose job and likes women much more than men.
Our youngest hero has been kidnapped, for want of another word by the very messenger that is carrying the treaty to the Duke of Buckingham. In a weird twist of fate it is Nick, the man of his wet dreams. These things are possible in the movie world. Don’t question, just accept. So captured and carried to the Persephone as insurance against further attacks and quite possibly some nookie.
The entire traveling party arrives in the dark of night waiting alongside the ship.
“Permission to board?” Number one flunky calls out.
“Permission granted!” is sung out from the mast.
And they board, Number one flunky looks around and approaches a very stationary crew member. “Where’s yer captain? Hey, I’m talking to ya.” He puts a hand on the very stationary crew member and the man falls over like a lump of potatoes. “They’re all dead.” He exclaims in possibly one of the best accents of the entire story.
“Not all of us.” JC drawls and throws a right hook at the guy’s nose, meets it with a crash. “OW, mother fucker.”
“Mbhtsyetsnts.” Number one flunky spews.
“Geronimo!” Chris swings down from the mast on a rope and lands on two men, knocking them unconscious. “I want to talk to my agent about how the heck I got the part where I am in high places and swinging on some sort of rope down. I have a HEIGHTS THING people. Jeez. You’d think they’d know that by now.”
“Quit your whining and take down that Chinese guy with the swords will you?” JC panted out as he sword fought past with two guys.
Chris casually swung his sword at a rope and the man in question falls into the hold of the ship. He turns and takes a running leap onto the deck below beside Justin. Two men stand in front of them, swords at the ready.
“Chris the Pirate! AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!” is yelled before the two men turn and take a flying jump off the boat and into the murky water.
“Pirate?” Justin looked at him with a surprised smile.
“Told you I was famous.” Chris said with a satisfied smirk.
And with those last words we leave the battlefield to the next part of the plan. It’s all very exciting really. The musketeers and Justin have the info they need about how the assassination attempt is going to go. Chris refrains mightily from joking about how there are already two asses in assassination and any more would be an orgy. The treaty in hand, Joey still being morbid, Justin in awe of Chris, JC and Chris are making like bunnies and all is right in the world for the moment. Chris gets to use a crossbow to shoot poor defenseless trees with a paper that states ‘all for one and one for all’. Which totally makes up for the fact that he doesn’t inspire mother nature like the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls*.
The cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* has a picture of Aaron with a bullet hole in his head hung in his bed chamber. Probably over his bed because he’s warped like that. He’s arranged for his sharp shooter to be graced by God because he’s the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* and he can do that. So that recap leads us to the day of the King’s birthday party. Aaron would be treated like a Prince but he’s already a King so it doesn’t matter.
The musketeers sneak in wearing capes. And while we’re here, let’s digress for a minute. Why are they so clean? This is the dark ages man. They’re trying to save the king. They have time for grooming every day? I mean JC’s goatee is immaculate. Chris’ too. Justin’s either not growing hair yet . . . oh wait . . . yes . . . I see by the sharp point in my back that he does indeed shave daily . . . um no hourly. He’s a hairy hairy man.
So, back to the party.
The musketeers split up, but not really. Justin looks around and then happens to look up in time to catch the gleam of the sun off of a gun barrel or sight, or whatever the heck it was that was shiny. So he charges into the palace and up to the roof unerringly to the EXACT place the shooter is even though he’d only been in the castle once and that was the dungeon. Unless he took the official castle tour before he left. But he slid down the roof burning his butt and knocking the shooter’s aim off so that the bullet harmlessly hits the stone of the balcony.
“Lance!” the king cries looking accusingly over his shoulder as the RGIR’s lead him and the queen to safety inside the castle.
The three musketeers throw aside their capes, draw their swords and stand there in their regal-ness and the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* can’t believe his luck. “The musketeers tried to murder the king. Kill them!” he then strolls back into the castle, robes billowing out around him as he walks.
About eight gazillion RGIR’s pull their swords and the three musketeers are faced with a huge army against them.
“This hardly seems fair.” Chris muttered.
“Should we give them a chance to surrender?” JC asks with a smile.
Joey shakes his head and chuckles.
Suddenly there is a mighty roar. Hundreds of men come out throwing their capes aside to reveal musketeer tunics and the game is on. Fighting like you’ve never seen goes on around them. Above them, Justin has somehow managed to climb out on an actual flag on a flag pole and is showing off by still sword fighting the guy on the ledge. Of course the guy on the ledge is playing fair and not just slicing the flag off the pole.
Joey nudges Chris “Dude, I think our young friend can use a little help.”
Chris looks up “I don’t know Joe, isn’t that the No Strings Attached album cover?”
“Just freaking help him already.” Joey takes his sword and starts fighting with both of them while Chris pulls out a...
“SLINGSHOT? What happened to our budget? Crap. How am I supposed to use this? I don’t even have a rock. Can I even make that distance?”
JC sword fights his way by “Quit your whining and just take the guy out will ya?”
Chris gives a long-suffering sigh and pulls out a small high bounce ball and puts it in the slingshot, aims, and hits the shooter guy in the head with it. Hard enough that he has to shake his head and missteps. Off the ledge. Falling to be flattened into the ground. Chris gives a bow.
“It’s about damn time Chris!” he yells down.
“Come Justin. We are saving the king!” Chris winks and smiles before returning to the fight.
Meanwhile, the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* is inside gloating.
“This couldn’t have gone better if I’d planned it myself. The king killed by his own personal guard. France. Grief stricken and afraid. Turn to their devout spiritual leader.” The smile turns evil. “Who. Ever so humbly takes the throne.” He sits on the throne, a satisfied smile on his face. “With the queen by my side.”
Ashlee snorts “Yeah. I’d rather be under my sister’s thumb forever.”
Lance kicks the royal footstool down the stairs and stands, fury on his face “That can BE arranged!” He takes a deep soothing breath. “But first, the king shall be found pierced through the heart by the sword of a musketeer.”
Jesse holds up the sword and gets ready to thrust it through King Aaron’s heart, the young man almost in tears. When suddenly, the musketeers burst through the doors with an unintelligible roar. The sword fight continues as the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* motions to his guards to bring the king and queen with them and to follow along. Jesse and Joey are going at it. Chris and JC are just randomly stabbing people. Justin has once again become lost. Guess he didn’t pay as much attention as he thought on the castle tour.
Suddenly the cardinal’s *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* way is blocked by JC. Who if you didn’t know . . . was one of the cardinals ‘students’ at one time.
“Leaving so soon?” JC asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh you know. I abhor bloodshed.” Lance sighs impatiently.
“Especially your own.” JC puts up his sword. “You are under arrest.”
Lance laughs “You of all people should know that I don’t answer to the laws of man.”
JC turns his sword “Then answer to God.”
Lance absently shoots JC “You first.” Then walks past the motionless body on the floor and through the hidden door in the wall.
At the same time this horrible act is taking place and fans are sobbing in disbelief that JC could possibly be dead after all this. WHY JC? The cries fill the room. Jesse and Joey are fighting to the death and Jesse manages to get a cheap shot in, drawing first blood. Joey belatedly yells and falls to the floor before struggling back upright shakily. As any good musketeer does, he switches his sword to the other hand to continue the fight. He will not give up. He hasn’t been surly this whole film for nothing!
Justin finally appears. Looking no worse for the wear from his hanging around on a flag pole and takes Joey’s place. Because Jesse was indeed the one that the fans wanted to see run through by Justin.
With just a little time delay Chris, on the other side of the room, sees JC fall. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he cries as he races through the room of fighting men. Avoiding sharp swords as if by magic. He gets to him falls to his side. Soon joined by Joey.
“Is he dead?” Joey whispers.
Chris sobs “JC come on . . . you can’t be dead man. You can’t. We’ve got the rest of the movie to finish. And . . . and . . . ” he sniffs. “I love you. You long-haired freak. Please come back to me.” He wipes a tear from his eye.
“Whoa, that was deep Chris.” Joey pats him on the back.
JC opens an eye “Yeah, and I only had to pretend to be dead for him to freaking admit it too! Loser.” His eyes opened and his expression softened. “I love you too Chris.” He pulls out a huge cross with the bullet lodged in it. “See. Don’t you ever mock me for my bling again!”
Chris just closed his eyes in a short prayer before smacking JC on the shoulder. “Get up you faker. We need to find the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* “
Lance was at that very moment instructing a big burly dude to ‘take care’ of the people following him. Three of the four heroes went through the door while the fourth stayed and fought the mean and nasty Jesse.
After splitting up Chris and Joey finally got to the underground cavern where the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* was in a boat with the king and queen.
“You know that mother nature crap is getting old after 18 pages Lance!” Chris yelled at him. They were clearly out of luck to get to him now.
“Don’t you worry. I’ll be back with even more impressive sound effects and twice as strong. Even now the Duke of Buckingham will be reading my words and be very agreeable. It will aid in my return.” Lance smirks.
“That would be difficult seeing as how the treaty never left France.” Joey held up the piece of paper.
Lance was momentarily taken aback. “A minor problem.”
“I especially like the part where you said you’d suck his toes.” Chris mused. “A shame really. I’m sure that was a big selling point.”
Lance turns red. “I can be very persuasive.”
The man, previously unnoticed in the black robes at the front of the boat, suddenly throws his hood back. Chris smiles proudly as JC’s beautiful face appears. “You will never” punches RGIR “Take advantage” punches another RGIR “of another person” and yet another RGIR pausing in front of the cardinal *lightning flashes and thunder rolls* “ever again.”
“Wait!” the king puts a hand up to JC.
Lance smiles a big cheesy smile. Then he falls overboard as the king punches him in the face.
“Well done your majesty.” JC praises and the sound of trumpets echo in the cavern as he says majesty.
“OK, so where did the trumpets come from?” Chris is all sorts of confused.
“It may be a good versus evil thing. The king *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare* took care of Lance and all is right in the world. That kind of thing is huge in movies. The fans eat it up.”
“The king? *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare*” Chris looks annoyed “You mean all I had to do was punch that freaking green-eyed punk and I would have gotten my own sound effects?”
“Quit your whining and help me get this boat back to dock.” JC picks up an oar.
Meanwhile Queen Ashlee reluctantly kisses Aaron, then attacks him on the deck of the boat while JC rows them back, eyes carefully averted.
The following day the four men approach the king *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare* in the royal hall.
“Is this the man that saved me then?” Aaron asked. Unable to wipe the grin off of his face, his queen sat smirking in the throne behind him. “What will you claim as your reward?”
Justin was quiet.
Joey cleared his throat. “He has but one desire my lord *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare*, and that is to be a musketeer.”
Justin nodded vigorously.
“Then approach Justin.” He lifted his sword from the royal sword pillow. “In this world where fans just want a piece of you and you can’t always rely on the big burly dudes to protect you there are those who uphold the laws of the land and vow themselves to serve at my feet. These men are the musketeers.” He touched his sword carefully to each of Justin’s shoulder. Last time he did this he lobbed off an ear. “Rise Justin” He draped a sparkly tunic over the shoulders of his newest peon. “And take your rightful place among them.”
Justin turns and blinds the audience with his million watt smile. Chris wipes a tear from his eye, and JC nudges him.
“Your majesty *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare*, If I might ask a favor.” Joey raised his hand.
“Of course.” Aaron turned his attention to him.
“Can I please not be surly anymore? It’s giving me an ulcer.” Joey looked at him with sad eyes.
“Yes, you have my permission to be happy and fun.”
“Thank you sire *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare*” Joey smiles and the women swoon.
And so, dear readers. It is with great joy that this story ends. King *Trumpets blast in royal fanfare* and country are safe, Justin is a musketeer saving the day, Joey is a heartbreaker, and Chris and JC are lovers. The people of France have been saved from destruction and corrupt politics and are free to enjoy life. All thanks to the Three Musketeers plus one. I hope you’ve enjoyed the journey, for life as in fiction can have a happily ever after.