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A Sassin' Creed: Pun-Issuement

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The assassin attacks suddenly in the night, dropping down on Haytham so swiftly and silently, that, by all rights, he should be dead before he noticed. He isn't. Instead, he is profoundly uncomfortable, lying on his back, on the ground, pressed into it by a roughly 200-pound hooded man who is holding the front of Haytham's jacket with one hand and what seems to be a tomahawk with the other.

"I am looking for Charles Lee", Growls out his assailant. "Where is he?"

And Haytham responds before he thinks about it.

"Hello, Looking For Charles Lee. I am Haytham Kenway."

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"Connor, it's my birthday today..."
"Yeah, I know."
"...which means that..."
"No, don't say it, Grandpa..."
"Aye matey."
Connor facepalms.

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"He's my father. We should be family", said Connor miserably. "but he's the Templar Grand Master and I'm an assassin and I want to kill him and I feel guilty about it."

"He isn't your father in anything but blood", explained Achilles. "But still, I understand the fact that you Haytham Kenway* on your conscience."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* the fact that you hate him can weigh on your conscience

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"Evie, let's go celebrate. Have a beer or something. It's our special day."

"What special day?", Evie asks Jacob.

"Frye-day."

***

After searching through all of Nassau, Ade found Edward hungover in a tree and tried to wake him.

"Lemme sleep," muttered Edward. "I have a Ed-ache."

 

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"Edward, I am a woman," said Mary.

Edward replied:

"You Kidd."

 

***

"Shaun", said Desmond, "I keep hearing those mistrels that were bothering Ezio."

"Looks like you're having Auditore halucinations."

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"Thatch, my friend, want to help me plan this raid?", Edward Kenway asked Blackbeard. "I could do this myself, but two Eds are better than one."

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What do you call an angry Edward Kenway? 

.. 

Captain Pissed Off

*

Where do Assassins keep their robes? 

In the Assassins' Bureau

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As Haytham slid to the ground, pressing a rapidly weakening hand to a wound in his neck bleeding far too profusely to have a hope of staunching it, Connor stared down at him with something akin to dismay. He had done it, he had murdered his father, and while he had hated him and wanted to fight and overpower him, to make him suffer, he had never wanted to kill the older man. It had simply been unthinkable - and now, he had made it real.

"Forgive me, father", he begged. "I have made a mistake."

"So have I", replied Haytham. "And twenty years later, it stabbed me in the neck."

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While Ezio's considerable equipment was the talk of all Italy, it was a less known fact that the trait was hereditary.  Indeed, all the men in his family had been hung. 

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It's around dawn. The Grandmaster is still sleeping, having drunk enough the previous night that Shay felt compelled to resist his advances until the man damn well ordered him to fuck him (he doesn't usually listen to orders but that one suddenly seemed like a good idea, he has a thing for Haytham being all intense and commanding), dark hair spread in a messy halo, arms wrapped around a pillow like... like... a Kraken with a ship or something, assuming a very small ship and a very cute and drunk Kraken, Shay has no talent for metaphors. Shay is also drunk, but far less so, and restless rather than sleepy, hoping a walk will clear his head. He slips out of bed, kisses Haytham on the temple, gets dressed as quietly as he can (not that the Grandmaster wouldn't probably sleep through a major artillery barrage in this state), and heads for the door, deciding he is nowhere near sober enough to attempt the window.

He makes it two-thirds of the way out of the house when he sees it.

There is an Assassin in the hall. Shay notices the white hood first and then the actual person wearing it - six foot change, young, built like a major fort, with bronze skin and heavy features, black hair slipping out of its tie, and an expression that somehow manages to convey awkward, clueless, unimpressed and disapproving at the same time despite not looking any different that it does all the time. Connor. Bad news, but far from the worst. The boy may hate Templars, especially Lee, and pose a serious danger in a fight, but he also happens to have a truce with Haytham and seems far too honourable to break it. Awkward civility it is then.
"What are you doing here?"
Shay opens his mouth, hoping to come up with an explanation that both makes sense and isn't excruciatingly mortiying. However he must be drunker than he thought because what actually comes out is:
"You know those moments when you're doing the walk of Shay and get Connored by your partner's child? I Haytham."

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Haytham leans agains the door of the room they had rented in the inn for the night, other hand pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I have a headache. I'm going to bed. Don't disturb me."
"Can I help? Do you need anything?"
Haytham had not expected that. He had not expected the boy to care. Still, let it never be said that the Grandmaster of the Colonial Rite cannot use a situation to his advantage.
"Tea. A cup of tea would be nice. You do know how to make a cup of tea?"
The boy appears to be offended by the question.
"Of course I do. What... "
"Good", Haytham cuts him off, waving his hand. "Now go."
"Hello," Connor asks the innkeeper's wife, poking his head into her kitchen shyly.
The woman glares at him from beneath her curly gray fringe.
"I am looking for boiling water."

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People see the struggle between Assassins and Templars as black and white, they don't notice the Shays of grey.

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"Hey, Connor, Connor!"

"What?", snaps Connor. Normally he likes the elder assassin well enough but this mission's celebration has put Edward in extra-annoying-drunk mode.

"Booty."

"I don't get it."

"Exactly", laughs Edward as he falls down into a stack of hay.

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What food could Ziio have taught Evie to make if they met?

Fryebread.

(Frybread is a thing. It's apparently delicious, but I never have eaten it. And Evie and Ziio are totally my crack-Brotp,  because, let's be honest these two badass (and sensible) ladies would probably totally hit it off.)

(She could also try to teach Jacob but Jacob would be more likely to blow things up by accident than make something edible. He's that kind of person.)

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The Assassin's Creed fandom makes some pretty Shaymeful, Hopelessly Liam puns like there Arno better jokes in the world, but Kenway Elise acknowledge that we don't pull off our Shaydes while doing so.

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"The de la Serre girl? Really? Like there Arno other women to fall for. But Elise she is good-looking, for a Templar."

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Which Assassin is a trans woman before her operation?

Lucy Stillman

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After he felt the ground Shayke in Lisbon, Shay's faith in the  Assassins was Shayken, not to say Shayttered. 

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What does Haytham say when he wants to be alone? 

 

Charles Leave

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What would you call Desmond if he followed Edward's footsteps and became a seaman? 

.. 

 

Nautical Miles

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Apart from shanties, Connor's first mate knows an impressive number of traditional songs and trivia about them. In fact, you could call him a folk-nerd. 

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If Assassins keep their robes in the Assassin's Bureau, where do Colonial Templars keep their outfits? 

In the James Wardrobe

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At first, Edward Kenway was only in it for the money. In fact you could say that what motivated him was assassin's greed

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"...And this is why the Templars will never be destroyed!", Haytham grit out as he pressed down on Connor's throat.
Lungs burning for air, vision darkening, Connor flicks out his hidden blade and stabs at the older man's neck. Haytham recoils, letting go, presses his hands to the wound instead as he stumbles to his feet. Though his face is impassive, he seems as shocked at this turn at events as Connor himself feels.
"You're such a pain in the neck."

 

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Evie and Jacob are the best dressed assassins in my opinion. I call them the Fly Twins

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Assassin's Creed Rouge:

I make my own look. 

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Charles Lee was known to get angry easily. You could say he was foul-templared.

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It's a slow day, and it's a little past midday, and Edward Kenway is already drunk. He's sitting in the cool (or: less obnoxiously hot if not exactly much less muggy) shade of the bar, listening to Jack flirting badly with Anne Bonny - and it is testimony to the extent of his inebriation that he finds Rackham's terrible pickup lines amusing rather than embarrassing.

"Hey lass, are ya a merchant ship? Cause I want to plunder yer booty."

"That's terrible", Anne shakes her head. "You have to try harder."

 "Wanna climb on my mast? I'll give ya a jolly rogering."

Another disappointed shake of Anne's head.

"Can I call ya Treasure? Cause I sure want to get my hands on yer chest."

"Still terrible", smiles Anne, in a way that lights up the whole dodgy, shabby estabilishment. "But being someone's treasure sure sounds nice."

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What do members of the Brotherhood do to reach their target stealthily?

Assassins Creep

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French Fryes

MilkShayke

And Haythamburger

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What kind of computer/ operating system do Assassins use? 

 

... 

  1. Sometimes Apple. But mostly they use Windows. 


     

 

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What do you find on a Charles Tree? 

 

 

Charles Leaves

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When Edward Kenway was a pirate merchant captains were terrified of him. In fact, he could have been called Dreadward.

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What does Haytham Kenway  say when he's arguing with his girlfriend? 

 

 

I don't Ziio point. 

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"Keep your hands to yourself, my dear husband",  whispered Maria Thorpe with a smug gring against the Assassin Grandmaster's skin, "or Altair up and only then have my way with you."

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What did the Assassin say to the other Assassin to informally remind him to keep his head covered on a mission? 

.... 

... 

.. 

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Bro! The hood. 

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What kind of vegetable does Connor hate the most?

 

 

 

.. 

Charles Leeks

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After Solomon's Temple, Altair had to prove he was worthy of being a member of the order.

In fact, you could call it a mission to regain his Assassin's Cred. 

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Connor looks so handsome with that look of barely controlled rage he gets sometimes.

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In fact, he's smouldering hot.

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Saddest moment of Forsaken: when Edward went from Dadward to Deadward.

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How long does Haytham sleep?

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A Templar night

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What did all the prostitutes in Havana give Captain Kenway?

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Ed warts

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Headcanons about Edward Kenway:

Ed-Canons

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I have so many ideas about the guns on the Jackdaw.

They are Ed-Cannons

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The Assassins chased after Shay's ship but she was already...

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Morri-gone

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Kenway appreciate how hot Edward, Haytham and Connor are? 

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Cannons on Shay's ship: 

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the Morri-guns

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The Native boy stared up at Haytham with those big, dark eyes, and repeated in the same clear, even voice he had used before:

"My mother told me I am your son."

And Haytham found himself reeling and grasping the doorframe for support, even as he forced out the words:

"Is this some con, or..."

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If Ms Jensen jumps off a building into a stack of hay, is it still a leap of faith or a leap of Hope?

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What does Ezio have in common with the clitoris?

 

 

The both hide under a hood and make women orgasm.

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Do you think anyone ever asked grandpa Kenway where he was... 

Ed-ed? 

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The only thing in the modern storyline worse than Lucy going from Lucy Stillman to Lucy Killedman was Desmond Miles becoming Deadmond Miles. 

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"Clickbait? In the Abstergo intranet? Really?"

"Yeah. Look here."

The "here" in question was a picture of two men, one in a red and black overcoat, the other in a dark blue cloak and tricorn hat", aboard some sort of old sailing ship. Above the picture, red letters glared.

"These Templars Shayped History! Assassins Haytham!"

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"What should I name him?"

"What?", asks Edward, looking up from the letter he's writing (staring at until the letters blur and trying to make out what to say), and then notices the small black-and-white-and-ginger creature in his sever-year-old son's arms. 

"Oh, the kitten. You want me to help you name him. How about Jack?"

"Isn't Jack a person name, not a cat name?"

"Jack is most certainly a man's name, but that's no reason for it not to be a cat's name as well. And anyway, cats are people too, a little bit. They're smarter than some people and nicer than most, I reckon."

***

Edward is not much of a cat person, but Calico Jack the cat grows on him despite it, much like his pirate namesake years earlier.

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"Traitor!" Gasped out the Assassin as Shay's hidden blade left his lung. "You should be ashaymed of yourself!"

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The Bureau is a al-Sayf house for assassins. 

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This pun only makes sense in writing:

Malik says he hates novice as much as reckless arrogance. 

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Why did Desmond stand on top of the washbasin?

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it was a sync point

 

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With Shay's pale Irish complexion, I bet he sunburns easily. Maybe he out to stay in the Shayde. 

Edit: Or Shay in the Shayde

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What did Arno's companions tell him when he wanted to know how to tell if Élise liked him?

 

 

 

Just ask, man

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What do you call a naked Templar? 

Starrick naked

Or possibly Robert déshabillé*

*déshabillé - undressed

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Living Evie, living Frye,

season ticket on a one-way ride... 

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I hate it when Assassins drop down on me from above.

Do you have any idea how much they Kenway?

A Ratonhnhaké: -ton

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Stealth pun here:

I don't trust George. He may seem good but I think he has tons of dirty laundry.

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Assassin's Creed Unity as a song:

Band of Arno

*for reference: "Banned from Argo" by Leslie Fish

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q50UBIWXvfc

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Can we say that Arno gazed at Elise aDorianly?