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Can't Forget You

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It would be really easy you know. A matter of seconds and it would be ended. But I'm weak and a coward so the suffering goes on. If I wasn't I would never have listened. I would never have let you go.

It's worse on Thanksgiving. And your birthday. Two of the best days of my entire existence. No, the best. Not what came after them, but the actual days themselves.I wonder if you dream of those days. Do you call out my name? Do you toss and turn fitfully in your sleep as I touch you? Do you feel me moving inside you? Part of me hopes that you do and the rest of me hopes that you don't. These memories are not an easy burden to carry.

I thought that not seeing you would make things easier, that time and distance would erase the pain. I was wrong. Every second of every minute of every hour the pain grows worse. When I'm awake; when I'm sleeping. Always. No escape.

There's a part of me that's dying every time I hear your name
There's a part of me that's trying to bring back your love again
There are times when I just want to run, but there's no place to hide
Even though my heart is breaking in a million bits inside
I can make believe that none of this is true
But I can't forget you, can't break free
I only have myself to blame; nothing feels the same without you
Can't you see, we can find tomorrow what we lost yesterday
What we lost yesterday

I have been given my retribution. But I don't want it. What is the point when I can't share it with you? Cordelia tells me that you are on your own again. I'm sorry it didn't work out with Riley. No I'm not. I'm glad. When I saw the way he acted, all cocksure and arrogant, I wanted to rip out his spleen and dance on it. He wasn't what I left you for.

Why did I leave you? I'm not even sure of that any more. We're both alone and it sounds like we're as miserable as each other. But, after all this time I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. A lot of water has passed under our particular bridge and I'm not really sure if I want to hear what you think of me. I know I probably deserve it but as I said, I'm weak.

There are nights when I lay wide awake thinking of how good it could be
Other nights I don't feel worthy of the love you gave to me
I remember not too long ago we both were here to stay
But it seems it happened overnight when I threw it all away
I can walk away and find somebody new
But I can't forget you, can't break free
I only have myself to blame; nothing feels the same without you
Can't you see, we can find tomorrow what we lost yesterday
What we lost yesterday
Hope that I can make you love me once again
But I can't forget you

I wish I could find the courage to get in my car and drive to Sunnydale. To march right up to you, pull you into my arms and kiss you until you are breathless. To stand there while you rage at me and beat upon my chest. To wipe away your hot, angry tears. I wish I could find the courage and take those first steps to try and make everything alright.

But I'm weak and so I guess I'll just have to carry on with the misery.