I wander from cloud to cloud. My hands trailing in the fluffy softness. Below me is a field of wildflowers, their brilliant colors shining in the sunlight. The vibrant green grass waving in the breeze. I love my view and I smile. I’m enjoying myself wholeheartedly as I should.
Death is your gift…
I don’t know how long I’ve been dead. The days just bleed into each other. And amazingly I don’t care.
Heaven is not all it’s cracked up to be.
As a matter of fact, it’s a lot like earth. Only I create where I decide to play. I get to imagine it and it appears. It’s quite awesome. Currently I’m floating among the clouds. Yesterday I was swimming alongside fish in the sea and two days before that I was making snowmen with my bare hands, my feet in flip flops and not feeling an ounce of cold.
Heaven isn’t what we were made to believe.
There aren’t angels strumming harps on clouds. There are no pearly white gates opening for me. My family members and friends who have crossed are not there to greet me. I have yet to meet the mighty Omega, if he is even here. I’m alone and oddly it’s comforting.
There is no pain up here, no unnecessary responsibilities. No one is making demands of me. Expecting something of me. I am in control of myself and only me.
I may be dead but I feel alive. So alive. Jumping into the portal had been painful but at the same time it was expected of me.
Buffy Summers … protector … savior of the world. Yeah that’s me.
I guess this is my gift, to float among the clouds. This was like a retirement … well for slayers anyways. Enjoying this joyous adventure and feeling absolute happiness. But along with that absolute happiness I feel a bit of emptiness.
I miss Giles.
And his British stuffiness. The cleaning of the glasses at every tense moment. The fatherly love he had for me. He was more my father then my own dad. I love Giles. He will always be my dad. I wish I had gotten to tell him that.
I miss my sister and friends.
I have visited everybody and I watch over my sister constantly. But lately I don’t need to as much. Willow and Tara have really stepped into the role of ‘mom slash sister slash aunt' and are doing such a good job. I haven’t seen Dawn so well taken care of since mom was around. Don’t get me wrong there are moments where I catch her looking at my picture or holding a piece of my clothing with tears streaming down her face. But she seems … happy. As do Tara and Willow. There may be sadness but they band together and persevere. Even Xander and Anya seem ok.
I miss Spike.
I sigh loudly, the clouds transforming into his crypt.
I always end up here. The days I spend above the clouds and in beautiful places. The nights I spend in this crypt, watching him, trying to wipe away the tears that flow down his face.
Tonight I float above him, watching him sleep in his favorite chair. His legs are spread, an empty bottle of Jack Daniels gripped in his hand. I long to tousle his hair, to run my hands along his sharp cheekbones. My bare feet touch the cold stone floor and I look down, amazed that I can feel it. That hasn’t happened before and instead of wondering about it I forget it. Thinking that maybe I don’t know everything there is to know about Heaven yet.
I inch my way closer to the sleeping vampire, knowing he can’t see me but also knowing he can feel me. As a ghost anyways. Am I a ghost? I don’t know. I mean I don’t go around haunting things or rattling chains. I don’t move things around or play tricks on anybody. That’s what we are made to believe ghosts do right? I don’t do any of these things. I just watch and wait.
Settling myself on the floor at his feet I touch his hand, my fingers brushing against his. Some nights I sneak into his dreams. And every night I star in them. I watch how he saves me. Sometimes in amusement, sometimes in heart wrenching detail and sometimes in the most obvious way that I feel stupid that I hadn’t thought of it.
Tonight is no different from any other night. He is on the platform, murder written in his eyes. He stalks towards the demon and he has thrown the demon aside before he can get to my sister. Dawn is safe, her body untouched and no blood has been drawn. Dawn looks at him gratefully, tears shining in her eyes, relief pooling in her features.
“Spike…” she says breathlessly as he removes the chains from her arms. She sags in his arms as he helps her down the unsteady stairs.
The dream changes then, showing me fighting Glory. I am in awe at how he has depicted me. I am wonderful. Punching and hitting that hell bitch. I look ethereal with that hammer in my hands, slamming it into her over and over again. Glory turns into Ben and this time I don’t let him live. I slam that hammer into him once, twice, three times until the blood splatters and his heart beat stops.
Dream Buffy turns and see Spike with my sister and she runs to them, she checks Dawn and makes sure she is safe before turning my green eyes to the vampire. They share a long look and as she leans towards him, the hand under mine twitches. The dream is shattered as Spike shifts in the chair.
I get to my feet and touch his face, my lips brushing gently against his cheek. He murmurs my name as the scenery changes and I’m in the clouds again.
Days and nights really have no relativity here and I can’t tell you how many days have passed. I’m in clouds when I hear my name being called. I envision my street in Sunnydale and see a bunch of demons destroying the houses that are lined up near mine. I see Spike protecting Dawn and as I float over to them I feel a change in the air. Just as I near them, I’m sucked away. My body falling through space and time. I awaken gasping, feeling my soul return to my body, my vision blurry and I’m surrounded by white satin. I claw at the material, panicking as I greedily suck in air.
What the hell is going on, I think to myself trying to calm down.
It is only then that I realize where I am.
In my coffin, under the ground and very much alive.