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if you do not expect the unexpected you will not find it

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[12/6/17, 6:47 p.m.]

“Hi, this is Orlando Bloom. I can't take your call right now, but you can leave a message after the tone, and I will get back to you as soon as I can. If it's urgent, contact Jackson College under 01904 667700. If it's life or death, you might consider calling the police or the fire brigade instead.”

“Orlando- hi, it’s Richard. From the ‘Riddermark’. Or, well, the Gents.” [Pause] “I was hoping you’d be there to pick up, actually, I’m shite at leaving mailbox messages.” [Pause] “So, I’m calling to tell you that I had a good time, on Friday.” [Chuckles] “Okay, now that sounded a bit weird. Getting fucked by a stranger in a toilet stall at the pub is not what you usually mean when you say you had a good time, I guess. But well, that’s how it is. I mean, the sex was pretty spectacular, given the circumstances, wasn't it?" [Pause. Laughs quietly] "So, listen, Orlando, I think what I’m trying to do here is asking you if you’d want to meet up again? Maybe some time this week? I’d like that.” [Pause] “Just give me a call if you do, or text me, or find me on WhatsApp, or whatever. Cheers.”

 

[12/6/17 - Whatsapp]

Orlando [10.49 p.m.]: Hi

Orlando [10.49 p.m.]: Got your message

Orlando [10.49 p.m.]: Cheers

Orlando [10.50 p.m.]: I don't recall giving you my number

Orlando [10.50 p.m.]: I was rather pissed on Friday

Orlando [10.53 p.m.]: Meeting up sounds good

Orlando [10.53 p.m.]: I can't tomorrow, but I could do Wednesday or Thursday after 6

Orlando [10.54 p.m.]: Let me know

 

[13/6/17 - Whatsapp]

Richard [6.38 a.m.]: Good morning!

Richard [6.38 a.m.]: You don’t?

Richard [6.38 a.m.]: You wrote it onto my arm!

Richard [6.40 a.m.]: You do remember the rest, though?

Richard [6.41 a.m.]: Because it would indeed be a shame if you didn't...

Richard [6.52 a.m.]: Wednesday sounds good, my shift ends around 4.

Richard [6.53 a.m.]: Where do you want to meet up?

 

Orlando [10.04 a.m.]: Who writes messages before seven in the morning?

Orlando [10.04 a.m.]: And of course I remember, I wasn't that drunk

Orlando [11.23 a.m.]: Sorry, got interrupted. Work

Orlando [11.23 a.m.]: Wednesday suits me, too.

Orlando [11.23 a.m.]: I can be in York around seven, name a place

Orlando [11.25 a.m.]: If you want to grab dinner, I fucking hate seafood

 

Richard [6:15 p.m.]: Those who did not choose their profession wisely and have to get up at dawn.

Richard [6:16 p.m.]: Dinner sounds good.

Richard [6:18 p.m.]: If pub grub is okay with you we could meet at The Fox?

Richard [6:20 p.m.]: The food's quite good and they have a nice beer garden out back.

Richard [6.21 p.m.]: It's on Poppleton Road.

Richard [6.21 p.m.]: Meet you there at 7 tomorrow?

Richard [6.28 p.m.]: PS: I'm glad you remember!

 

Orlando [7.08 p.m.]: The Fox. You're on.

Orlando [7.10 p.m.]: And don't talk to me about not choosing one's profession wisely. I had an argument with my resident nudists and a tampon crisis to take care of before breakfast.

 

Richard [7.12 p.m.]: Wait, wait, wait.

Richard [7.12 p.m.]: What?!

Richard [7.12 p.m.]: Nudists?

Richard [7.12 p.m.]: Tampons?

 

Orlando [7.16 p.m.]: Yes. I am an OB/GYN based in a nudist colony.

Orlando [7.17 p.m.]: I'm a teacher.

Orlando [7.17 p.m.]: Which is pretty much the same thing.

 

Richard [7:21 p.m.]: Man, that sounds pretty disgusting.

Richard [7:23 p.m.]: I hope you don't have to engage in childbirth?

 

Orlando [7:30 p.m.]: Fuck no

Orlando [7:32 p.m.]: But cheers for giving me some perspective here

Orlando [7:32 p.m.]: What is it you do then? Aside from putting horror scenarios into my head that is

 

Richard [7:48 p.m.]: When I'm not picking up teachers involved in bizarre nudist colonies at the Gents, you mean?

Richard [7:49 p.m.]: What have I gotten myself into here?

Richard [7:50 p.m.]: I work at the hospital.

 

Orlando [7:57 p.m.]: Your first mistake was to call a number a bloke wrote on your arm after he fucked you in the Gents

Orlando [7:58 p.m.]: I have two boys in my house who don't believe in clothes. It's not that bizarre, it's just annoying

Orlando [7:58 p.m.]: Satisfying work?

 

Richard [8:17 p.m.]: Very.

Richard [8:18 p.m.]: And people there believe in clothes, which I think is an advantage in the professional context.

Richard [8:19 p.m.]: And yours?

 

Orlando [8.25 p.m.]: Yes, now that you mention it I was pleasantly surprised by the general dressed-ness of people when I was in hospital last month. Glad to hear that wasn't just a happy coincidence

Orlando [8.31 p.m.]: Work's work

Orlando [8.32 p.m.]: Am forced to watch second formers perform what I believe is supposed to be a musical about dogs right now.

Orlando [8.32 p.m.]: Subpar

Orlando [8.33 p.m.]: You?

 

Richard [8:47 p.m.]: My heartfelt condolences.

Richard [8:48 p.m.]: I can't complain. I'm on the couch with a beer. And a book.

 

Orlando [8.52 p.m.]: Sounds preferable. Tbh I'd even take Kierkegaard over this

Orlando [8.53 p.m.]: There now are cats on stage

Orlando [8.53 p.m.]: Caterwauling gains a whole new

 

Richard [9:01 p.m.]: ?

Richard [9:02 p.m.]: You still there?

 

Orlando [9.24 p.m.]: Sorry about that

Orlando [9.24 p.m.]: One of the cats had a nervous breakdown / hissy fit on stage

Orlando [9.24 p.m.]: How's your book?

 

Richard [9:45 p.m.]: No worries.

Richard [9:45 p.m.]: I feel your pain.

Richard [9:46 p.m.]: The book is both brilliant and terrible.

Richard [9:47 p.m.]: 'A Little Life" by Yanagihara. Read it by any chance?

Richard [9:49 p.m.]: Are your little singing trolls in bed by now?

 

Orlando [9.57 p.m.]: Most of them are, or at least are quiet enough that I can pretend they are while having a brew

Orlando [9.58 p.m.]: Haven't read it, no. Not into fiction. Come to think about it, I had one of my last A-levels read People In Trees. Little Life anything like it?

 

Richard [10:02 p.m.]: Haven't read it. But if it's like "A Little Life" keep it away from children.

Richard [10:04 p.m.]: Do you live at that school?

 

Orlando [10.06 p.m.]: I don't believe in wet-nursing. My kids can deal

Orlando [10.08 p.m.]: What gave it away? The nudist altercation before breakfast?

Orlando [10.08 p.m.]: Yeah, I live on school grounds

Orlando [10.09 p.m.]: So, if we're going for a repetition of Friday, which I'd like, it won't happen here

 

Richard [10:13 p.m.]: Well, The Fox does have a men's room...

Richard [10:15 p.m.]: And I make a point of keeping my flat free of children, so that might be an option as well.

 

Orlando [10.16 p.m.]: I approve of your life choices

 

Richard [10:18 p.m.]: So do I, all things considered.

Richard [10:22 p.m.]: I really want to see you naked this time.

 

Orlando [10.23 p.m.]: Suave

Orlando [10.24 p.m.]: That can be arranged

Orlando [10.24 p.m.]: Means we're going back to yours, then

 

Richard [10:32 p.m.]: Well, why not.

Richard [10:33 p.m.]: Unless we find each other apalling in daylight.

Richard [10:34 p.m.]: Would you prefer me to be a little more subtle?

 

Orlando [10.38 p.m.]: Mate, be as unsubtle as you want

Orlando [10.39 p.m.]: Saves so much time

Orlando [10.39 p.m.]: And I like it

Orlando [10.40 p.m.]: So go ahead

 

Richard [10:41 p.m.]: No pressure, huh?

 

Orlando [10.41 p.m.]: No pressure? And there I thought you enjoyed that

 

Richard [10:42 p.m.]: I really liked what you were doing with your tongue.

 

Orlando [10.45 p.m.]: What thing? It's called kissing.

Orlando [10.45 p.m.]: Oh you mean that other thing?

 

Richard [10:46 p.m.]: Yes, that's what I mean!

Richard [10:46 p.m.]: You can't really expect to have figured me all out during that short time now.

 

Orlando [10.47 p.m.]: I can go with what I know

Orlando [10.47 p.m.]: So that'll end up with me having a sore throat again

Orlando [10.47 p.m.]: Fair enough

Orlando [10.48 p.m.]: What do I get in return?

 

Richard [10:48 p.m.]: Maybe better a sore throat than a sore arse?

Richard [10:48 p.m.]: Happy to change positions.

 

Orlando [10.49 p.m.]: I must've been more sloshed than I thought. I'm not usually that inconsiderate

 

Richard [10:50 p.m.]: Don't worry about it. We were both drunk.

Richard [10:51 p.m.]: And my coordination is a little better when I'm sober, too.

Richard [10:51 p.m.]: Might be a little easier on your poor throat.

 

Orlando [10.51 p.m.]: My throat doesn't need mollycoddling either. Quite the opposite, you were hot

 

Richard [10:53 p.m.]: You were a sight for sore eyes down there.

 

Orlando [10.54 p.m.]: Yeah, cheers. I got the impression you enjoyed that

Orlando [10.54 p.m.]: Feeling's mutual

Orlando [10.55 p.m.]: So, the plan for tomorrow night is to meet you for dinner and have a chat and pretend I don't want to skip all of it in favour of fucking you again straight away, yeah?

Orlando [10.56 p.m.]: How dull

 

Richard [10:59 p.m.]: Now who's being subtle?

Richard [10:59 p.m.]: I didn't want to be a cheap date.

Richard [11:02 p.m.]: But tell you what: Meet me at the tower, we can get a beer and walk along the river to my place.

 

Orlando [11.03 p.m.]: Man of my own heart, you are

Orlando [11.04 p.m.]: And I never said I was subtle. It pays to be obvious

Orlando [11.04 p.m.]: Case in point

 

Richard [11:05 p.m.]: Couldn't agree with you more.

Richard [11:06 p.m.]: Now I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

 

Orlando [11.08 p.m.]: Same

Orlando [11.10 p.m.]: You still reading your book?

 

Richard [11:10 p.m.]: Haha.

Richard [11:10 p.m.]: No.

 

Orlando [11.11 p.m.]: Interesting

 

Richard [11:12 p.m.]: You reckon?

Richard [11:12 p.m]: [media content in this message]

 

Orlando [11.13 p.m.]: Fuck

Orlando [11.13 p.m.]: That's hot

Orlando [11.13 p.m.]: And wildly inappropriate, considering I'm sitting in the common kitchen of my house and a third former just came in to get a glass of water

 

Richard [11:14 p.m.]: Seriously?

Richard [11:14 p.m.]: Don't spoil the mood, man.

Richard [11:15 p.m.]: You are looking at pictures of my dick in a common area?

Richard [11:15 p.m.]: Get out of there!

 

Orlando [11.16 p.m.]: Give me ten minutes. Carry on, though

Orlando [11.24 p.m.]: In my defense, I was asking about your fucking BOOK

Orlando [11.24 p.m.]: Fucking curfew rules of my school, sorry

Orlando [11.24 p.m.]: Back in my flat now

Orlando [11.24 p.m.]: Definitely not a common area

 

Richard [11:26 p.m.]: [media content in this message]

 

Orlando [11.27 p.m.]: Yeah, good to know we're done with subtle for good

Orlando [11.27 p.m.]: Go on then

Orlando [11.27 p.m.]: And to make this fun

Orlando [11.28 p.m.]: As long as you consider typing with one hand fun

Orlando [11.28 p.m.]: Use your words

 

Richard [11:30 p.m.]: We were done with subtle when you asked if you could skip dinner and fuck me without further ado.

Richard [11:30 p.m.]: Not that I mind.

Richard [11:31 p.m.]: Don't be too loud, though. Your walls appear to have ears.

Richard [11:32 p.m.]: Touch yourself.

 

Orlando [11:33 p.m.]: Yeah, way ahead of you there, mate

Orlando [11:33 p.m.]: You'll have to trust me and the fucking typos I'll make cuz typing with my left is a bitch

Orlando [11:34 p.m.]: Old building, thick walls. Still want quiet? Cuz I remember you weren't on Friday

 

Richard [11:35 p.m.]: Quiet sex is no fun.

Richard [11:36 p.m.]: Tell me what you like

Richard [11:36 p.m.]: while I'm imagining it's your hand around my cock

 

Orlando [11.37 p.m.]: I like you hard

Orlando [11.37 p.m.]: I like you trying to keep quiet

Orlando [11.37 p.m.]: And failing

Orlando [11.38 p.m.]: Like you did, backed up against that stall in the Gents

Orlando [11.38 p.m.]: Good thing I had a hand free for your mouth

Orlando [11.39 p.m.]: Same one I have on my dick right now

 

Richard [11:40 p.m.]: I am

Richard [11:40 p.m.]: Hard

Richard [11:41 p.m.]: Have been every time I've been thinking about last Friday

Richard [11:41 p.m.]: I actually b

Richard [11:41 p.m.]: it through my lip trying to be quiet

Richard [11:42 p.m.]: Am failing now, too

 

Orlando [11.42 p.m.]: Fuck, that's criminal

Orlando [11.44 p.m.]: So tell me

Orlando [11.44 p.m.]: My dick inside you

Orlando [11.44 p.m.]: Or my throat around your dick?

 

Richard [11:45 p.m.]: Your throat around my dick.

 

Orlando [11.45 p.m.]: How did you come when you thought about last Friday?

 

Richard [11:46 p.m.]: That was so hot, you looking up at me from that tile floor

Richard [11:47 p.m.]: That image made me come all over my sheets Saturday morning

 

Orlando [11.49 p.m.]: Yeah, that was hot

Orlando [11.50 p.m.]: We'll start with that tomorrow

Orlando [11.50 p.m.]: Take the edge off in your hallway

Orlando [11.51 p.m.]: Before I fuck you

Orlando [11.51 p.m.]: For an hour or so

 

Richard [11:53 p.m.]: There is a convenient window sill in my hallway

Richard [11:54 p.m.]: but a nice little old lady living next door

Richard [11:55 p.m.]: she's half deaf but not blind. I might want to keep my trousers on.

Richard [11:56 p.m.]: but hey, hands

Richard [11:57 p.m.]: Can't see us strolling all the way to my place without touching either

 

Orlando [11.58 p.m.]: An old lady?

Orlando [11.58 p.m.]: Well, you sure know how to set the mood, mate

Orlando [11.58 p.m.]: So I'm on my couch, texting, wanking, and laughing my arse off

Orlando [11.58 p.m.]: Not my regular Wednesday evening

 

[14/6/17 - Whatsapp]

 

Richard [12.02 a.m.]: So am I

Richard [12.04 a.m.]: I don't mind laughing during sex though

Richard [12.05 a.m.]:Not my regular Wednesday evening either. I'm pleasantly surprised

Richard [12.06 a.m.]: Also still hard

 

Orlando [12.07 a.m.]: Same

Orlando [12.08 a.m.]: So, if your hallway is out

Orlando [12.08 a.m.]: Your couch then?

Orlando [12.09 a.m.]: Tell me what you want

 

Richard [12.10 a.m.]: I'm wondering what you'd look like spread out on my bed.

Richard [12.11 a.m.]: And what you'd sound like if I fuck you

 

Orlando [12.12 a.m.]: Is that so, yeah?

 

Richard [12.13 a.m.]: That's how it is.

Richard [12.13 a.m.]: It's a very pretty picture.

 

Orlando [12.14 a.m.]: Confident

Orlando [12.14 a.m.]: Nice

 

Richard [12:15 a.m.]: Intriguing

Richard [12:15 a.m.]: And you're one to fight back, aren't you?

Richard [12:16 a.m.]: Intriguing

Richard [12:17 a.m.]: Maybe I'd better hold you down then, while I fuck you and watch you come.

Richard [12:18 a.m.]: Which I'd very much like to assist you with now.

Richard [12:19 a.m.]: Tell me what you need.

 

Orlando [12.19 a.m.]: Fuck

Orlando [12.21 a.m.]: What I need?

Orlando [12.21 a.m.]: A fucking tissue, that's what

Orlando [12.21 a.m.]: Fucking hell

Orlando [12.21 a.m.]: Warn a guy next time

Orlando [12.22 a.m.]: Or don't, I reckon

Orlando [12.22 a.m.]: I know I left bruises on Friday

Orlando [12.22 a.m.]: It's only fair you do, too

Orlando [12.22 a.m.]: I'm good with that

 

Richard [12.24 a.m.]: damn

Richard [12.24 a.m.]: that's hot

Richard [12:28 a.m.]: I need one, too. Or two.

Richard [12:29 a.m.]: Wish I could've been there and watched you.

Richard [12:30 a.m.]: Tomorrow, though.

Richard [12:30 a.m.]: Or later, rather.

 

Orlando [12.35 a.m.]: Sorry for the delay. Needed to get cleaned up

Orlando [12.35 a.m.]: That was fun, cheers

Orlando [12.35 a.m.]: 7 at the tower tomorrow?

 

Richard [12:38 a.m.]: Yes and yes!

Richard [12:39 a.m.]: At the tower's entrance.

Richard [12:39 a.m.]: You can't miss me. I'm sure I'll be the only one carrying around at sweater in front of their body in this weather in order to conceal an anticipatory erection...

Richard [12:40 a.m.]: You don't mind if we don't cuddle now, do you?

Richard [12:41 a.m.]: Have to get up in 5 hours.

 

Orlando [12.45 a.m.]: Sorry for the delay

Orlando [12.45 a.m.]: Again

Orlando [12.45 a.m.]: Nodded off

Orlando [12.45 a.m.]: See you tomorrow

Orlando [12.46 a.m.]: Don't kill any patients in the meantime

 

Richard [12:49 a.m.]: Ugh, don't say that. Hits too close to home.

Richard [12:50 a.m.]: Yes, tomorrow!

Richard [12:50 a.m.]: Sleep tight!

 

Orlando [12.55 a.m.]: My apologies

Orlando [12.55 a.m.]: Likewise