"So How do you feel Brandon? Did you manage everything so far, it's been four months since you moved here."
Brandon Sullivan folded his hands in his lap into a praying pose. Absentminded he stroked with his right thumb over the other.
"I feel ... good?" Brandon nodded to give his words more meaning, though the pitch of his voice lay his uncertainty to his experienced interlocutor open, through the higher pitch he unknowingly used at the end of his statement. It sounded more like a question to himself. Brandon looked at the man who was sitting on the other side, opposite of him. An elder man with grey hair, a white shirt with long sleeves and a cardigan. The Elder nodded and wrote something down onto his notes. The still small file he compiled about Brandon Sullivan.
"Okay, let's talk about your sister Brandon. How's she doing? You said she is an actress?"
"Yes, a singer," the elder man repeated Brandons words as he swept over his forehead with his right hand.
"I haven't talked with her so far, at least not about that." Brandon breathed harsh through his nostrils and pressed his lips together. He really despised this topic. "Actually there hadn't been the right time for that."
"You should talk to her. To move from the United States to Scotland is a huge matter, not only for you Brandon but for your sibling as well. You told me your sister has some issues with relationships, in which degree does that affect your sister's lifestyle?" The elder leaned against the backrest of the cream-coloured Sofa, relaxed, as he watched is much younger patient.
Just for a moment Brandon closed his eyes. Each time he wondered why he was here, why he didn't move on as he had before he moved. Why was he here? It was not the first time that he asked himself this exact question on this exact sofa. The same question, the same sofa, the same old room with undefinable art objects, the same psychiatrist. Brandons thoughts wandered off, far away. They kept repeaeting all the things that happened in the past year. The frustration, the lonelines, Sissy's suicide attempt, the revealing of his secret to his coworkers, the mixing between his normal life and his compulsive behaviour and at last the huge shame that resulted. Brandon knew why he was sitting here on exactly this sofa.
Saucer-eyed Brandon stared at the psychiatrist, with all attention he could gather getting ripped out of his own thoughts.
"Did you hear my question? You don't have to reply if you don't feel like it or simply can't. It's all about you and only you. You set the pace of your recovery."
He wished that this so spoken recovery would arrive as soon as possible, but he was well aware that his emotional condition would keep him away from that peace. He had issues to talk about Sissy's problems, how could he ever talk about his own?!
"Dr. Walker, I'm sorry for being so absentminded today." Brandon swallowed the dusty lump in his throat and tried to concentrate his stare at a point behind the psychiatrist. It was way easier to talk about this matter if you don't have to look into somebody's eyes and see their reaction.
"Sissy... she's..." my complementary, he continued in his mind. Again Brandon got silent, he tried to form words to describe Sissy. "Sissy becomes attached to anybody, very fast."
The elder man nodded and noted someting down again. "So the problem's not that she can't form any sort of bonding, instead she forms it too fast."
Brandon nodded softly, though with an unfullfilled expression. "Of Course those men don't want any contact, they just want a quick onenight-stand and they're done." Why should they want more?! They didn't want to get to know his sister Sissy better, the only thing hey want was to get between her thighs, nothing more.
Brandon swallowed hard, while he thought this topic through the end. There it was again, this unpleasant tingling in his limbs he got every time his family issues come up. Nervous he looked down onto his hands, with more pressure he massaged his thumb with his other and watched his hands as he did so. His teeth pressed hard against each other, his jaw grinding.
"But your sister's already head over heels in love?"
Brandon clenched his teeth hard, he could feel the grinding, how his jaw worked and how the headache resulting through the clenching was building up. He was drifting away again, his mind too foggy from his own cogitations. He thought of his laptop, the websites he watched too frequently, the phonenumbers which he called way too often and of which he got rid of nearly two weeks prior.
He wished he still posessed all of these things, the erotic magazines, the porn, the old Laptop and the numbers of all those prostitutes. At the same time he felt ashamed, deeply ashamed of ths primal desire which gave him the only satisfaction and the only bits of happiness in his life. If that desire would be fulfilling at all, then there would be no problem. But in his situation it was so much more, a little spark of humanity, the only moment in which he didn't feel hollow inside and that made him addicted. When his mind said no his body and that little piece in him that was searching for happiness always said yes.It had never been a reward, at least not emotionally.
"Brandon, you seem to be miles away today. Did something happen? Did you stick to your therapy plan?"
Brandon focused the Doctor instead the abstract painting behind him.
"Yes, something happened or yes you stuck to your plan? Tell me about that. Last time you cut our session off." Dr. Walker put his fingertips onto another and gesticulated openly while he talked. The elder put his right leg above the other and layed both of his hands on his knee. Just for a moment Dr. Walker looked at Mr. Sullivans file, which layed right next to him on the cream-coloured sofa, the file, the clipboard and the ballpen.
He gave his attention his patient, who showed his very first real emotional reaction, at least in todays session. He sat there, leaned forward and his face buried in his palms, breathing controlled.
"Two weeks ago, right after our date I... everything...I dumped everything." Brandon licked his dry lips and touched his stubbly chin with his right hand. He layed his finger in a shushing geseture over his own lips.
Dr. Walker waited patiently, i didn't slip his attention how his patient was withdrawing again. It was like a game of cat and mouse, a therapy was never easy.
"Brandon what exactly did you throw away?"
A harsh gasp escape from Brandons lungs his nostrils dilated for a moment as he pulled his lips between his teeth. He looked at the glass coffeetable, that stood between him and Dr. Walker. A manifestation of disgust lay openly in his facial expression.
"My laptop, magazines, my mobile, DVDs." Again a contrtolled breath. "Everything related to porn, numbers of brothels, prostitutes, people that seem sexually interested in me. That's not the first time I dumped it all Dr. Walker."
A look of sheer surprise in the doctors expression. "It's not?"
"No." The patients voice quivered. "Back in the US I tried it on my own, with pure willpower. Out of temper I dumped it all, that happened last year. I...," Brandons hand found it's way to his chin again, fingers laying near the corner of his mouth.
"I want this therapy but it's damn hard for me not to stop it all at this point and do everything the same as always. I feel like shit, I see no archievement so far. I'm in your care for three months already but it's not getting any better. Every fucking day I'm thinking about fucking my colleagues, the woman on the bus, the girl who's working in the coffeeshop, fucking anyone, Doctor."
A wave of aggression swayed in Brandons confession. He clawed at his own knees wit force. The expression of disgust grew harder, disgust and regret.
With the file in his hands again the doctor kept his calm, in pure tranquility he wrote something down i n the file again. "Is it the act ... with a goodlooking person that tempts you, or-"
"It's not about that, it.... I feel fine, good. It doesn't matter if she's goodlooking. I can't look in their face while I... use them." Brandon shivered. Rage, shame and frustration. He did'nt know why, but an eerge of nausea rose in his throat.
"The intercourse is mutual?"
"Oh God, of course! I have never... I'd never..." The Patients facial expression slipped away and he grew pale. A blush of shame rose on his face because of the assumption the doctor had.
"I didn't assume that you ra-"
"Prostitutes. Mostly I'm doing it with prostitutes. I'm sorry for interrupting you. It would never occur to me to..." Brandon hushed.
"Brandon, it's fine. No ones accusing you. A therapy isn't a laughing matter, nor an easy ride. Mostly it's atritional, burdensome. But to archieve your goals in the End you have to go through these unpleasant states. It's not easy, for nobody. It's an improvement that you stuck to your therapy plan. You still doing that video diary?"
Brandon nodded speechless.
Again a nod.
"If you feel like you're at rock bottom again look at the first entries of this video diary. It will help you." The elderly man looked at his wristwatch. "Well our Session's over, next week, same day, same time?"
"Yes please." Both men stood up at thee same time, shook hands and Dr. Walker showed Brandon the way out of his office.
Brandon was glad the sessions over, though not relieved.
Bruce is coming up in the next chapter.
The upcoming events leave a bitter taste on Brandon's tongue.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
<< I want you to shag me Brandon, so hard… so hard i can’t walk at all the next day. And after you bust your load inside me, I’ll make you felch all your semen out, sucking it all out. I’ll be enjoying your lips and your tongue, as I orgasm. >>
Brandon stared at the screen of his smartphone, whilst he read the message from an unknown number. With a short glance he looked to the side, where Sissy put the Disc in the DVD-player. They wanted to watch a movie together. Brandon didn’t feel like watching a movie, but it was the right thing to spend some time with her. Like his therapist said, he had to spend time with her, get to know her emotional state better.
Brandon felt guilty, he couldn’t and didn’t want to deny that. He had to do everything humanly possible, so that history won’t repeat itself.
Without further thinking he activated the homescreen and locked his mobile, put it away into his pocket and watched Sissy silent.
„What did you pick?“
They both compromised on some evenings together, to watch a movie and to go out once a week. Movienight was Brandons’ idea, going night out Sissys‘.
„You know, I wanted to watch Atonement. A really cute actor starred in that film, but I thought that movie would be too mushy and dramatical for you…“ Brandon looked at her face, though not into her eyes. “So I picked another movie, with the same actor. But that one’s more action fuelled and humorous, at least the packing said so. Its name’s Wanted.”
Brandon took the packing of the DVD from her hands and read the summary on its back. He put it on the side table and watched the big flat screen.
“Well, I hope it’s better than last week’s movie.”
„Yeah, yeah. You’re an old grouch, d‘you know that? “ Sissy jumped enthusiastically on her seat next to Brandon and lay her head on her brothers‘ shoulder.
With a cold gaze he looked down at her, rumpled her hair a little too rough, before he pushed her away from him. “Cut it out, Sissy”, he said with a normal, subdued pitch of his voice. He wanted to spend time with her but that doesn’t mean he wanted to do all these physically sibling shit. He knew that a little amount of physical contact was normal for siblings but it was too much for him, too many bad memories kept erupting.
“Oh come on!” With a second try she clung to Brandon, forced him into a hug.
„Back off!“ This time he was getting louder, though he tried to control his temper. He disentangled himself from her embrace and nudged her hard. She fell back and landed with her back on the rest of the sofa.
“You’re an Asshole!” One could see how she pushed her bottomlip forward, sulking as tears welled up in her eyes-
“Look, the movie started.” With a tight clenched jaw Brandon concentrated on the movie, even if he couldn’t block out Sissys sobbing.
Such Situations have always been exhausting for him and for her. He wanted to isolate himself and she wanted that closeness, it has always been like that. After nearly half an hour he peeked at Sissy from the corner of his eyes. He felt like shit for treating her that way he always does. He should cherish her more.
Sissy had pulled her legs to her chest, her head resting on her knees. She breathed fitfully and sobbed silently. Brandon had to change something, they both wanted to change something, they wanted to work on their emotional situation together. Brandon tried his best, but he got the feeling that his attempts weren’t enough. It always felt like a cold stab into his heart, when he heard her silent crying.
Sissys hand, with the dark red lacquered fingernails, clawed at her knee, tight, forceful. Brandon shied a little but cautiously laid his hand onto hers. He freed her knee from her clawing hand and led it away. He kept on holding her hand, tight but not painful. He wanted to let her know he was here.
“Sissy, please stop.”
He gained no reaction from her. It hurt to see her in a state like that. He couldn’t comprehend what was going on inside her head.
She raised her head slowly, her Make-up was a mess, her face was wet and snot came bubbly out of her nose. He clenched his teeth all over again.
“I’ll get you a tissue, please wait a moment.”
“No”, her voice was strong, although shaky. She wiped her face off, smeared the tears and the snot into her Shirt after she sat correctly in her seat. She didn’t lose hold on Brandons hand. „Please, stay with me.“
Maybe he had to take his time to talk to her now. Dr. Walker had told him that it was necessary to talk to her, to talk about her .
“Sissy”, he thought about the right Words. He took longer thinking about what to say next than he actually wanted to. The words were stuck in his throat. What did he intend to ask her, what should he ask her, that was the question. He got silent and said nothing more.
She watched him through reddened eyes. “How do you cope with all these things?”
„What do you mean? “
„You keep on trying your best since we moved here and I… didn’t do anything. Nothing at all.”
“Come on, that’s not true. You do have a solid job and on the side you sing on events too.”
“Wooho, I’m a stupid waitress at Starbucks. I don’t even earn a quarter of your salary with both of my jobs.”
Her job wasn’t exactly the job Brandon would do to make a living, but it was something solid, she had a routine for the first time in years.
„It’s okay, you like it. Don’t you?“
Sissy nodded. „It’s fun, my colleagues are awesome and I get along with everybody.“
Brandon gave her a soft smile, before he turned to watch the movie again.
“You didn’t give me an answer”, she reminded him of her question.
“Let’s talk about that another time Sissy, let’s keep on watching the movie okay?”
In silence they continued to watch the movie. Sissy snagged her fingers with Brandons, he tried to let go of her hand. He wanted to let go so bad but she didn’t allow that and he accepted it.
“Ah, you know Jennifer and Bruce want to meet up on the evening with us. Maybe sipping some drinks, all relaxing, nothing big…“
„You mean they want to meet up with you“, Brandon said. Sissy always dragged him along.
“Nope, they both were very adamant that you come along and Bruce’s also a friend of yours, ain’t he!?”
“Your colleague brews my coffee before I get to work and we’ve been out one or two times just to drink something. He causes problems every time, ‘cause he gets dead drunk.”
“And you always bring him back home, sounds like friendship to me.” She smiled a huge grin. „A real Bromance.“
„Fuck that. I don’t bring him home, but rather I have to bring him back to my home. I don’t know where he lives nor can I leave a notorious drunkard like that alone. He could get robbed or whatever.” A little outraged he got rid of Sissys hand. He knew that when he won’t go, she won’t either. They wanted to change.
„I’ll come along, okay?“
“Brandon!” Sissy got up from her seat at the small wooden table in the middle of the Pub, waving wildly at her brother for him to notice.
With a feigned smile on his lips Brandon raised one of his hands to greet the others. With his teeth showing way too much he gave all of them a huge smile before he sat down between Sissy and her friend Jennifer. Jennifer, Sissy and Bruce all worked together at the same place.
„Nice to have you with us once in a while”. Jennifer grinned friendly at Brandon before she and Sissy continued their talk, something about an event, or a concert. Brandon didn’t listen too much in.
The women talked in front of Brandon, not paying too much attention to him. He just chuckled a little as he leaned back and folded his hands under the table. He glimpsed over the table, it was made of dark wood and had some alcohol or whatever stains on it, he didn’t want to touch the surface of that table, let alone think of touching it. The thought itself felt disgusting. He looked up, watched both, Sissy and Jennifer as they leaned a little on the table to talk to each other. He watched both of their faces, their mimic, before he peered past them. He noticed Bruce staring at him (for a little longer than pleasant to his taste) as he returned his gaze.
“Hey.” A small nod and that greeting was all Brandon gave him. A lopsided sneer was the other man’s answer.
He followed Jennifer and Sissys dialogue with his eyes, watching the one that was speaking. He didn’t cut a big figure, but that was alright. He didn’t have to. It was relaxing to keep quiet and just to listen. He was glad Jennifer, nor Sissy asked him anything. He was sure that if he got too friendly with Jennifer he won’t succeed in his therapy. Not for her being a unique person, but just for her being there when he needed stress relieve. He didn’t want to bond with her, nor say more than hello and goodbye. Unintended he fixated her with his gaze. He examined her side profile with his eyes, watched her plush lips as she formed the words and wondered how these lips would feel around his cock. Hard he swallowed down the building lump in his throat and bit down on his lower lip. He stopped leering at her, as he looked past her, past Bruce who played with his Smartphone.
“I’ll be right back.” With these words he got up and left the table, the people. He walked towards the toilet, which was on the other end of the pub. He had to walk past some people playing billiard and darts. As he got inside the Men’s restroom, he let cold water run over his hands and watched himself in the mirror with a critical stare.
„I have to distract myself,“ he thought to himself as he massaged his already cold hands under the soft jet of water. Brandon shook the wetness on his hands away, as he wiped them over his face. He hated that he couldn’t think of anything else. These thoughts were unpleasant for his mind, arousing for body.
It was awkward to be mildly ignored as it was awkward to get all the attention. He knew that if he started to talk, he would soon be flirting and to have sex with his sisters’ best and most likely only real friend was not his plan. Not his deliberate plan.
He heard the door being opened as he saw Bruce getting into the restroom. The other man watched him with a wolfish smile as he walked past him to the pissoir. Brandon didn’t want to look at him, he just watched the sink he leaned on, jaw clenched tight. He heard the sound of pants being unzipped and something splashing.
“So… the girly stuff t’much for ya?”
Brandon peeked up from the sink into the mirror, peeked past himself and could see Bruces back as he stood there, in front of the pissoir. Bruces head was thrown back in a relaxed motion.
Who the hell installed the pissoirs across a mirror?
“I just havet a lot on my mind today.”
Brandon felt his pocket vibrating. With a quick motion he pulled his smartphone out and recognized in shaming awe that it was another text message from that unknown number. He clenched his teeth again, opened that message and read it.
<<You have to cum in my mouth, I want it so bad. I wanna taste you. I wanna feel your thick cock deep in my mouth, so deep I start gagging as my throat clenches tight around your dick. >>
“Your woman?” Bruce looked up from Brandons mobile, watched him as he took some soap onto his hands and washed them.
Horrified Brandon looked up and gazed at Bruce, before he hastily put his phone away. He felt panic rising in his limbs, his mind.
“Chill, I’ve seen nothing. I promise” Bruce muttered quite drunk as he laughed loud and nasty. He licked his lips and wiped his hands off on his trousers. “Ya should be fuckin’ glad. Most chicks aren’t that outgoing.” A strong scent of alcohol mixing with something different hit Brandon.
„That wasn’t my Partner.“ Brandon scolded himself for being so stupid to confess that to Bruce. How stupid can he be, really? If he just said that was his girl, then….
“No engagement, all the better.” Bruce shrugged his shoulders. „Shall we go back, or d’ya wanna text back?“ Bruce supported himself with one hand on the sink and watched Brandon through groggy eyes. It was unbelievable, not even two hours have passed and Bruce was already drunk.
The taller one grimaced and shook his head softly, not amused. “No.” He didn’t wait for Bruce and left the restroom to go back to their table.
Time elapsed smoothly, they all chatted a bit, laughed and drank a little. They all could hold their liquor, except one. Brandon looked down at Bruce, who actually sat across from him. Though right at that moment he wasn’t sitting anymore, he laid on the table with his upper body, head resting on his arms. Brandon looked at Sissy, then at Jennifer. “Does he always drink that much?!” It sounded like a complain, though he just wanted to ask.
Jennifer smiled shyly. „Well, being single, no family… you know. Now and then he has one too many.” It was not the first time that Brandon had seen Bruce in this state, all evenings went exactly like that one. Even though Bruce has never been this dead drunk before. He has always been conscious so far, though not today it seems. They heard his snoring.
„I would have taken him to my place, but I think my husband won’t be too happy about that. You know, he hates Bruce.” Jennifer looked apologizing at Brandon. Brandon knew what she wanted to say, but he didn’t play along. His cold gaze fixated on Sissy.
“Please Brandon, we can’t let him lie here, let alone place him somewhere on some bench. In the end he will get mugged or even murdered.” Sissy pleaded.
Brandon tensed up and stared at the back of Bruces’ head.
“I live next door to you, you can lay him down in my place, then you won’t have to…”
“That’s absolutely out of question.” It’s not that Brandon didn’t trust Bruce to keep his hands to himself. He spared him quite an amount of trust. Bruce was his friend, even when he didn’t count their connection as friendship, he didn’t want to get close. To nobody. He didn’t trust Sissy, he knew she would whatever she does in situations like that. She’d try it with Bruce and he would break her heart, because he was so dead drunk, even if he wanted to know what had happened he couldn’t remember. No, it was less a burden when Bruce slept inside his apartment.
“Good, now that this is cleared, shall we go?” Sissy put out her purse.
“Never mind. I’ll pay.” Brandon took his wallet out of his pocket and put it on the table. He signaled the waiter, that they wanted to pay.
After things were done they all said their goodbyes. Jennifer got to her car and Brandon, as well as Sissy helped Bruce out of the bar. Brandon had put Bruces’ arm around his neck and stabilized him with an arm around his waist.
Sissy helped him to lay Bruce down in the backseat of Brandons’ car. His sister got in the car, sat down in the backseat und watched out for Bruce not to fall down as Brandon drove to their home. It was still strange for Brandon to drive on the left, he thought he’d never get used to that.
As the car was parked in the parking lot Brandon heaved Bruce up und dragged him with much effort out of the car. For his physics he was quite light Brandon learned. He thought he would be heavier. He supported the drunk, took his arm over his shoulder und put his own around his waist. „Come on boy, get a grip.“ Bruce wasn’t approachable but went along with Sissy and Brandon and helped to walk. They got on the elevator of the apartment building. Sissy pushed the button for their story.
Brandon leaned against the wall on the back of the elevator supporting Bruce and Sissy stood in front of the door, facing the door. “Thank you for coming along.” Her voice was low but when she peeked over her shoulder with the happiest look Brandon had seen in weeks, his bad mood was gone. All the doubts and the irritating thoughts were gone. With a decent chuckle he manhandled Bruce a little rougher, pulled his arm over his shoulder harder and wrapped the arm around his waist tighter.
“Seems like the therapy does you good, I… may you ask your Doctor if he could take care of another patient?” Sissy turned her back to Brandon and watched the door again, fidgeting with her hands. “We will change, we’re going to be better people.”
“Nh, back.” A soft murmur escaped the drunk, nearly nothing more than a breath. Both Sullivans looked surprised at Bruce. Brandon got closer to his face with his own to understand him better.
“Back to me.” A small sob escaped the other man.
“Oh dear,” Sissy said sympathizing. The doors of the elevator opened. “Maybe his ex-wife?”
Brandon shrugged his shoulders. Whoever he was talking about… he hoped Bruce would let him sleep in peace. Not that he was so relaxed that he could sleep peacefully, but at least he wanted to get a little rest.
“You’re going to be fine?” Sissy watched her brother as they all stood in front of his apartment. He just nodded as she said good night and got into her apartment, just one door away. Her place was smaller than his, but it was enough.
Brandon tried to get his keys out of his pockets which proved to be difficult with balancing Bruce at the same time. “Bruce, you there?”
“Hm?” Bruce shook his head a little, though he didn’t raise it. All you could hear was Bruce snuffling his nose.
“Bruce, look. You have to sit down. ‘kay?”
„Nah-ah, dun’ wanna!” Bruce negated Brandons idea to get a hold of his keys without much effort. The Drunk wrapped both his arms with huge force around Brandon’s chest. Bruce held Brandon in place as if he was drowning when he let go. “No leavin’.”
Anxiety bubbled up. Brandon clenched his jaw tight as he fought back the urge to just push Bruce back with way too much force. In the end he would crack his head on the wall. Brandon felt his pulse rising, his heart bumping hard and unpleasant against his chest. Well at least he could support Bruce with only one arm and the other dove into his pocket to catch the keys.
As they both got into the apartment Brandon closed the front door with the heel of his feet and maneuvered Bruce to the couch. He put him down. The drunk watched the sober one through half lidded and groggy eyes. He nearly couldn’t keep his eyes open. “I’ll come back t’my Sergeant Detective.” Bruce closed his eyes, rested one hand on his chest and breathed deeply.
“My Sergeant D’tective Bruce Rob’rtson, yeah that’s what gets me hot.” A drunk mumble. Bruce licked his lower lip as he started laughing. A laugh way more feminine and shy as the ones Brandon knew. By far more soft, not so guttural and exaggerated, like he laughed mostly. Brandon watched him in shock and fascination, he didn’t know what was going on.
“Bruce?” No answer. Bruce just grinned wildly, as he ran both his hands through his hair and moaned as he stretched his limbs. “You’re so stupidly drunk.” Brandon just shook his head as he left the room. He had put his wallet and his mobile next to the couch like he always did and got into the bedroom, leaving Bruce to himself.
There was just one thing he hated more than over exaggerated alcohol abuse.
Bruce seems like a bad drunk and Brandon's on his wit's end. What will happen when Bruce sobers up?