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Watching Her

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I didn’t used to wear my glasses in bed. There hadn’t ever been any reason. My glasses provide a clarity needed for activities like schoolwork, homework, and the occasional extracurricular assignment. I know my home, and especially my bedroom well enough that there has never been any need to have my glasses on once it was time to lay down. My bed is on the left side of the room. A small twin bed, but comfortable enough. Across the room is my older sister Haley’s bed. Just like most of the things in our shared room, I had never given her much thought either. Haley has always been my popular, airheaded, prettier older sister. Most of the time she barely seemed to notice that I exist. I spent most days trying to deny the jealousy I felt toward her by consoling myself that I would grow up to have a better job and have more money than her. But in actuality, there’s no denying the loneliness felt looking out each day through the eyes of a plain-looking nerdy middle child. Each day that went by at school sitting alone, imagining Haley enjoying the company of her many friends, I just felt more isolated. At the dinner table Haley would mention her social plans, or a date with her boyfriend Dylan, while all ever had to say was “another A”. I sometimes wondered if Haley even noticed me at all, with all her friends and her doofy-but-loving boyfriend always there for her. Even my dimwitted younger brother Luke always seemed so much happier than me, whether his companion was our elderly neighbor or a wild animal that he found in the yard. Each day I felt the hollow ache inside me grow stronger- the desire for emotional and physical contact. But what I found from my siblings was the usual antagonism that I had grown to expect. It seemed like things would always be this way until a week ago.
I didn’t used to wear my glasses in bed until a week ago.
Right now I’m lying on my side with my arm under my head. The brown of my glasses create an oval frame around her still body. Her black camisole matches the black hair that is sprawled across her pillow. Her breaths come slow and deeply, and I watch her stomach rhythmically rise and fall below the sheer sheet that covers her. Ever since last week I haven’t been able to look at her the same way anymore. No longer simply the popular older sister who always ignored me. For what felt like an instant we shared something more. She accepted me into a world that had until then rejected me. Circumstances so random led to us sharing the most intense experience of my 13 years. Her breath catches and she rolls over to her side, facing away from me. How is it that when we shared something so special, I now look at her and feel pangs of hollow emptiness so much deeper than anything before?
When Haley held me that day, I had felt the entire world melt away. The way her gaze held mine, like an indestructible invisible bond. I had for the first time let go of everything and allowed myself to be swept up in her. Each touch of her soft hands on my skin sent reverberations of pleasure that still echo within my body a week later. Though she seemed completely oblivious to it, my beautiful older sister had done so much more than helped me get through a difficult time. Intentionally or not, my sister, my roommate, my Haley had seduced me. Even now just lying on my side watching her sleep I feel the wetness between my legs. How I long for her once again to take me. How I long for her tongue to probe my wetness once more. I want to get up and climb into bed with her, to hold her close to myself. I intoxicate myself with fantasies of my lips upon hers; of her renouncing Dylan and telling me that she truly loves me. God! The ache swells within the pit of my stomach, and I cross my legs tightly.
I lift the hem of my shirt and lower my fingers beneath the hem of my elastic pajama pants. My fingers touch the wetness dripping from between my legs. I inhale deeply, remembering the feeling of her warm breath on my crotch. Haley had been such an expert when she guided me through the paths of pleasure. Even following what I remember her showing me, I have been unable to even come those sensations since. The problem is after what happened Haley went back to her friends. Back to Dylan. Other than a wink the next morning Haley hadn’t spoke about what happened since. It hadn’t seemed to mean as much to her as it did to me. Did Haley do this with other girls before? She sure had seemed to know what she was doing. But I don’t want to think about Haley with other girls. Or with Dylan. I want Haley for myself.