Louis woke up, springing up straight, sweat clinging to his forehead, face burning. His head whipped from left to right to make sure he was in bed, safe. When he saw the dingy walls of his old flat, his let out a breathy sigh before settling back into the duvet with still tense shoulders. His eyes then quickly averted to his son Mason sleeping soundly in his smaller bed. Louis knew he couldn't sleep now, he knew it was one of those days, where he could actually stay awake, but not at ease, never at ease, at least it wasn't one of those days where he had to drag himself out of bed so Mason could actually go to school, or one of those days he'd call his best mate Harry to please please please get Mason up and ready, even though he knew Harry would in a heartbeat, it didn't mean he didn't feel bad about it.
Harry took care of Louis since Jesse left back when he found out Louis was pregnant, he'd said he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, even though they'd been together since their freshman years in high school, and were both twenty. He'd packed all of his shit within a weekend and moved back in with his mother, making sure Louis knew he didn't want anything to do with him after that. But as soon as Harry found out, after a couple days or prying over the phone, because Louis spent his time moping around the flat, feeling sorry for himself, Harry'd hung up and ten minutes later Harry was at his door with an overnight bag, and of course, a hug. Louis and Harry then spent the next few days watching Friends and talking about how much of a douchebag Jesse was for leaving Louis alone to take care of their child. Harry took care of Louis throughout the whole pregnancy, he even ended up moving in with Louis, after a lot of begging to Louis, saying it was just till the baby was born, and Louis agreed.
Harry ended up being there for him more than anyone, throughout the hormones and cravings, Harry was there, and Louis still didn't understand it, after all, it wasn't even Harry's baby.
Harry didn't move out after Mason was born, he'd ended up living in the extra bedroom Louis and Jesse had kept for guests and helped Louis throughout Mason's baby stages full of all-nighters.
Harry and Louis both still worked, Harry worked at the local daycare center, and Louis worked at a local library, both full-time, though both jobs didn't pay much.
Around Mason's one year period, something sparked in Louis, and it all came crashing down like a fucking tidal wave. He'd had breakdowns with all the hormones when he was pregnant, but after Mason was born, he'd been distracted, which was easy when you barely had enough time to sleep let alone think. But finally, Louis had the time to think about it, and he didn't like it at all. His fucking boyfriend of almost six years had fucking left him because he was pregnant, because he wasn't fucking ready for commitment. Was he planning to leave Louis all along? Had he been looking for a good excuse like this to leave? Louis never got angry at Mason, never, he wasn't mad that Mason was born, because he lost a lover. He was angry at himself, he fucking started hating himself. And all he wanted to do was sleep so he didn't have to deal with the thoughts pounding in his brain. But of course, he started having trouble sleeping too. Anxiety creeping through his skin. When would Harry do the same?
Harry noticed, of course he did, from the first time he saw Louis with bags under his eyes, after waking at noon, he knew something was up. He didn't question it, because he was Harry and Harry was never one for forcing things out of people. It wasn't until a month later when he confronted Louis after he skipped another meal. He wasn't starving, he actually wasn't he just wasn't hungry anymore, he couldn't help it.
"I'm not hungry."
"Louis, you haven't eaten all day, or dinner last night, you need to eat something babe," gentle, always gentle.
"I'm not hungry, Haz."
"Lou, what's been going on with you lately, you haven't been yourself."
"I don't know what you mean, Harry."
"You're not happy anymore, you were fine, but now you're not, and now you're not eating. What's going on, what's wrong?"
Not meaning to, he snapped, standing up from his chair, "Well maybe if your boyfriend left you after six years, and you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with him, God. But he fucking left you because you got knocked up like a fucking freak. Then maybe you'd be in a pretty shitty mood, too," Louis stormed off to his bedroom, slamming the door like a thirteen year old, causing Mason to wake up. Louis only groaned. pulling rubbing at his face with his hands, feeling burning tears fill up his eyes, tugging at his hair. He felt two hands gently grab his wrists, untangling his hands from his hair, before tugging them down, guiding him to the floor. Louis' back was against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest, feeling the dams burst in his eyes, his face flooding with tears. He could blearily see Harry, could hear Harry making little 'shooshing' noises. Louis felt a sob building in his throat, choked down, before he could hear himself letting out little whimpers. Harry, was frantically wiping at his tears, arms not wrapped tight around Louis' upper body, murmering, it's okay, you're okay, in Louis' eat repeatedly, soothingly. When Louis whimpers quieted down, Harry pulled away enough to see Louis tear-stained face.
"I don't know how much longer I can do this," Louis said quietly, seeing Harry's whole face change.
"You can do this, and I'll be here to help you the whole way, you know that," before his arms were pulling Louis close again.
Harry didn't realize Louis had gotten to the point where he couldn't even trust his best friend anymore.
Louis had gotten so much worse since then, he was now on anxiety and depression meds that he couldn't even take on a daily basis because he couldn't afford the prescription. Harry didn't know about the meds at all, because Louis didn't want to worry Harry even more. he'd caused Harry enough trouble. Louis would only take the pills on days he worked, and even when he did take his meds, he only took half, he was supposed to take two a day, but didn't because he worked most days and he needed to preserve. That was another advantage Louis had with having Harry, he worked at a daycare center. He'd take Mason when Louis worked and refused to let Louis pay.
Mason was a younger boy who had the eyes of Louis but the eyes of Jesse. He was a good kid, though. He usually listened to Louis and Louis was working on teaching him manners, but he was only over three and a half, not even in preschool, so he didn't worry about it too much.
It's not like Louis had no money, he just tried spend everything on Mason so he could have a normal life. He felt his thirty dollar monthly prescription with his crazy pills was much less important saving up to Mason the toy trucks and cars he wanted for his birthday, because he really wanted Mason to live a normal life.
But it wasn't even like Louis didn't have anyone, he had Zayn, Niall, Liam, and Danielle, always, and he knew that. Danielle was actually the one one who knew about his medication, because she actually worked at the drug store, (although Louis was pretty sure she'd told Liam, but it didn't matter as long at Harry didn't find out).
Zayn and Niall would always be there to watch Mason on the weekends, (the two lived together, we're actually engaged) because the Daycare was only a weekday thing.
Liam and Danielle were just always there to talk, he would always be there to talk Louis through his shitty states, and he'd be over in a fucking heartbeat if Louis called him up and said he needed him.
And Louis was grateful for all of them. But they weren't Harry, Harry was all of them combined, aside from the a lot of his dark thoughts and the whole meds thing, he knew everything else about Louis. He could usually tell when Louis was upset, no matter when he'd try to hide it, he knew. He still was never one to pry, even with the past four years, he let Louis alone, knowing when Louis was ready he'd talk. Though Louis didn't think he'd ever be ready to tell Harry he didn't think Harry would stick around, or that Louis didn't want to exist most of the time.
Or the fact that Louis had unwanted and unrequited feelings he's been trying to push down since he even realized he liked boys in the first place. But when he said everything came crashing down on him, that included all of the fucking shit he tried to pretend didn't mean anything to him was meaning a fucking lot and he didn't like it at all. Of course including his stupid crush, that wasn't a crush at all considering he was in love with his best friend, but stupid because Harry didn't want him as anything other than a friend, (Louis never went for it, he really didn't want to lose Harry, they'd been best friends since fucking childhood. He didn't want to lose him over some stupid feelings).
It didn't help that Harry would walk around half naked in boxer shorts and cooking and cleaning and just being so fucking amazing, always being so gentle with Louis, taking care of him when we was sick and everything, how could you not love him? It definitely didn't help that Louis hadn't been laid since he was about four months pregnant, before he knew he was pregnant at all and before Jesse left without so much a kiss let alone relieving a bit of sexual frustration. He didn't feel comfortable in the mirror anymore let alone naked and vulnerable in front of a complete stranger much less Harry.
Louis heard the faint beeping of his alarm, breaking him out of his thoughts and causing his sleepless eyes to look at the green blinking alarm clock reading 6:30, and of course his initial reaction was to groan and bury himself in the mountain of duvet he had, but he knew he had to open up for the library so he swung his plaid pajama clad legs over the edge of the bed before walking over to the alarm and switching it, effectively hitting the radio instead making a loud fuzzy voice speak for a second before Louis frantically switched it off, groaning. He had to be at the library at eight after a thirty minute transit bus. And before he left he had to shower, take his meds, make Mason breakfast, (just because he doesn't eat breakfast, hasn't since he was a kid, doesn't mean he can't try and get his son to), get Mason to eat breakfast, get him dressed, before walking five minutes to the nearest bus stop. Harry usually left around eight with Mason in tow, getting a ride from Liam who also worked at the Daycare with him. Louis then spend the day stacking books and checking out books and all that boring librarian shit before taking the same bus home and making dinner for everyone. About an hour after Louis gets home Harry and Mason got home a little bit after Louis finished the tacos he was making. They always ate together, and Louis couldn't help but think they were a lot like an actual family.
The next day was another one of Louis' off days, a tragic Monday, where he actually took two pills because he knew he wouldn't get up otherwise. It took him three snoozes to actually move so he knew he wouldn't be able to shower, which happened a lot, that just meant he'd shower after dinner. So instead he immediately went for the pills hidden in his nightstand before twisting the lid off, effectively dropping the bottle with his shaking hands- part on his anxiety disorder- all over the floor with a loud fuck. So of course three seconds later a half naked Harry came in looking worried, seeing Louis now on the floor, picking up his pills, which he'd just filled the week before, meaning there we're over thirty pills scattered. Harry quickly rushed over to help pick up the mess, grabbing handfuls with the bottle in his other hand, popping them all in the little capsule before he turned to read the label.
"Xanax? Isn't that for like anti-anxiety medication? And for like depression and panic attacks and shit?" he was looking at Louis expectantly now, and shit. Harry looked at the bottle again, "Louis Tomlinson, take two tablets a day, everyday," he read. Louis facing Harry's bear feet now, squeezing his eyes shut as if it could make him disappear, wishing he was anywhere but here. He absolutely hated confrontation, but here it was. "Louis, how long have you had these?" he heard Harry say, he couldn't tell if Harry was angry or offended, probably both.
"About a year," Louis mumbled, opening his eyes to look at the floor.
"A year, Louis? I thought you were getting better, why didn't you tell me?" Harry said, now sounding more upset than mad, "Will you at least tell me what these are for, babes?" Harry sighed.
"Depression and anxiety," Louis said, eyes practically glued to the wooden floorboards separating him and Harry like they would magically break apart and swallow Louis in them.
"Louis look at me," he listened, reluctantly, "I'm not mad, and you know that, babes. I'm just kind of hurt that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. What's been going on with you Louis? What's really been going on with you."
Louis sigh, dropping himself onto his ass again, bare arms against the cool metal of the bed railing causing him to shiver slightly as he looked at Harry with hooded eyes, sighing loudly. He felt a sob trying to force it's way up his throat again, and began speaking shakily, eyes brimmed with tears, fists clenched in the soft fabric of his pants, comforting, almost.
"It's really sad isn't it? The only reason I'm able to get out of bed most mornings is because of some fucking pills, I can't feel anything Harry. God, what am I supposed to do Harry? I have an almost four year old son to take care of and I can't even take care of myself," Harry opened his mouth as if to he was going to say something, but Louis kept talking, "I don't even know if I'd be here if it weren't for Mason. I don't even take the goddamn pills half of the time Harry, Mason deserves so much more than his fucked up father but I'm trying to help myself because it'll help him. But it's so goddamn hard to even get out of bed and be normal," Louis chuckled bitterly, "I'm so pathetic."
In an instant Harry's arms were around him, "Don't you ever say that again. You're the perfect father for Mason. I never had a fucking thought about you being a bad father. You give that boy the world even when you can't afford it. You're not pathetic, just a little broken, but that doesn't make you useless."
Louis was sobbing into Harry's shoulder now, pills long for gotten, just Louis being held by Harry while Harry pressed soft kisses to his hair.
"Daddy?" Louis heard a small voice say, making Harry pull off of Louis to look up at Mason, who was standing up with a Cars blanket draped around his small shoulders. His small hands were rubbing at his eyes, trying to wake himself up. "Daddy?" he repeated, eyebrows furrowed, "'re you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay, baby. Come here," he saw Mason's small feet pad toward his father, dragging the blanket behind him. When he reached Louis, he plopped on the other side of him with a small 'oof', trying to wrap his much too small arms around Louis' shoulders, even with Louis' smaller frame. Chuckling, Louis hugged his small waist, sniffling a bit.
"Why're you sad, daddy," Mason said, his small face scrunched up, looking really upset himself.
"I'm okay now, baby. Don't worry about me."
Mason just nodded, not knowing any better. And Louis wished he too could believe it.
The trio ended up staying home for the rest of the day, Louis calling off because of Louis' breakdown, Harry being off already. Instead, they settled for watching old Disney movies with Mason, who was more than happy to have his daddy home for the day. The three stayed cuddled up on the couch all under one blanket, ordering pizza that afternoon with a two liter of Mountain Dew, everyone's favorite. They ended up falling asleep like this, Louis wrapped in Harry's arms and Mason sprawled across his daddy's lap.
The next day was a Tuesday, when Liam usually took Mason because Harry liked to visit his mother once a week, and Louis would go out with Zayn when he was off. Today, was like every Tuesday morning, Liam picking up Mason before work, then Harry getting on the long train to Cheshire. Louis ended up receiving a text from Niall around eight saying Zayn was sick, and wouldn't be able to go out that day, he was taking care of him, sorry mate. And Louis sighed before crawling back in bed, kind of relieved to have a day to sleep.
Louis woke up sometime later to banging at the door. Confused, he checked his appearance to make sure he was decent before walking out to the living room, finding it was two from the oven clock and that he'd slept all day.
When Louis unlocked the door he saw someone he never expected to see again, Jesse. He was standing there in a dirty plain white t-shirt and ripped jeans, hair slicked up like he always did.
Said man looked up at Louis, leaning against the door, getting close enough to Louis that their noses were almost touching.
"Louis," he slurred, and Louis could smell the alcohol on his breath now, and oh.
"What are you doing here?" Louis said, now pissed off. Jesse pushed past Louis and stumbled into the apartment, looking around.
"Just the way it was, huh. Just the way I left it, just the way I left you," he taunted in a slurred sing-song voice.
"You know, I still love you, Louis. Just your body though. Always were a good fuck, even with your big mouth, it was always nice to hear you be loud when I fucked you. Those lips were always so small and tight when I would fuck your mouth, I miss it."
"I left you, you know why? Because I didn't want to be with you forever, who would want to be with you forever? All the time. You're always whining and complaining, ugh," Jesse said, like he was talking about some fucking job he hated to do instead of his ex-boyfriend.
"Why are you here Jesse," Louis said through gritted teeth, trying his best to keep his composure, he knew he couldn't cry in front of Jesse, he'd never forgive himself.
"Wanna relive old times, you know what I'm saying," he said, backing Louis into the wall, chuckling, "still got that ass, huh?", his hand flew down to grip Louis in the bum.
"Get the fuck out, Jesse," Louis said, attempting to push his arm off.
"Or what?" Jesse mocked, unmoving.
"Harry's probably on his way back now," he saw Jesse's eyes widen slightly.
"I always knew you wanted him, it was always him, wasn't it?"
"We're not together Jesse, dammit. He lives here to help take care of my son."
"Your son? You mean our son, the one we did some lovely rough fucking to make, remember that," Louis felt sick to his stomach.
"I should've known Harry would never go for you," he continued, chuckling.
"Get the fuck out, Jesse," he said, trying to push Jesse away agian.
"Aw, did I hurt your feelings, Louis? Did I hit a soft spot?" he said removing the hand from his ass to clutch his own chest, still mocking Louis.
"Get out," Louis said, anger seeping in his tone, he was two seconds away from pushing him down the fire escape.
"Louis, I'm home. Mum told me to say hi- What the fuck is he doing here?" Harry said, looking really pissed off and upset, holding a bag- probably full of cookies- Anne and Harry loved baking together.
"Louis and I are gonna relive some old times," Jesse said grabbing Louis' bum again, causing him to jump.
"I told you, we're not doing shit, now get out, you're fucking drunk."
Harry's eyes widened, "I suggest you get out before I call the cops," Harry said, arms crossed, Louis knew he was serious.
"You know what, fuck this shit," Jesse said stumbling towards the door, "this is your fault," he said, pointing at Harry, "He never wanted me as much as he wanted you, too bad you don't want him back."
"Get the fuck out," Harry said through gritted teeth, shoving Jesse out, slamming the door and locking it.
Louis was on the couch, hugging his knees, when he turned around.
"What happened, babes?" Harry said, taking a seat next to him.
Louis could barely not sob he couldn't talk he was tired of sobbing on front of Harry, it made him feel weak, especially after what Jesse said about him being whiny all of the time.
"Nothing," he said, smiling weakly.
He knew he had to convince Harry he was okay if he wanted him to stay, so he couldn't tell him what Jesse had said, couldn't cry in front of Harry. He was okay, always okay.
It was two weeks later and neither of them really spoke of that day since it had happened.
Louis would cry in the shower and try to make himself look happier and healthier altogether. He started smiling and joking more, and everyone was weird about it at first but slowly started to believe Louis was himself again. Even Harry, after the Jesse incident, Harry was the only who knew about it, Louis convinced him he felt a lot better with closure, knowing Jesse was an asshole and that he didn't even need him.
But at night, all the stab wounds to his insanity reopened, pouring out in the form of tears. Louis felt that tears were the souls way of bleeding. That's when he showered now, two in the morning, he'd climb out of bed and turn the water up to the scalding point and bite his lip when he stepped into the burning water. Louis wasn't a self harmer, this was the closest he was to self-inflicted pain, unless thoughts count. He'd let the tears fall, clamping a hand over his mouth as he watched the water flood at the drain before swirling like a hurricane. He liked that not even he could tell the difference between the water and his tears.
He'd think of how much much he hated being himself, hated how he felt, how he was, how he looked. He didn't like any of it. He thought about Harry and how nice and perfect he was, how he loved everyone, no one was surprised at all when Harry came out as pansexual, he'd celebrate holidays with people of completely different countries and religions for christs sake. Louis remember being there when Harry would fast for that one Jewish holiday, and Harry wasn't Jewish at all. Harry was perfect.
He felt so pathetic.
Louis was taken out of his thoughts as he felt the water start to turn cold, making him jump a bit, so he hurriedly lathered his hair and body with soap before stepping out of the bathtub and drying himself off. He put on his soft pajama pants and a plain white t-shirt before throwing the towel into the laundry bin and walking back to his room. checking that Mason was still sound asleep, which he was, planting a small kiss on his chubby little cheeks before crawling back into his own bed, pulling the mound of covers over him, drifting to a dreamless sleep.
Everything went back to normal but with what everyone thought was a happier Louis. Summer had just started so Harry was working more because kids weren't in school and Louis was still working the same hours. But now Harry would wake Louis up with a small mound of pancakes and a hug (because he was Harry, of course, even when Louis would roll his eyes he secretly loved it, and Harry knew it), then he'd get Mason up himself and give him his own breakfast while Louis got ready before taking his pills (which Harry refused to let Louis not take his daily dose of everyday, making Louis let him pay for them.) and heading to work. Louis was currently going through the stress of filling out Mason's pre-school forms, it made him feel old, and it made him feel like Mason was getting older. Times like these made Louis feel like he had some leftover hormones running through his veins (the would give him weekly shots when he was pregnant), but it was probably just the whole always been overly sensitive thing. He was signing Mason up for a pre-school right around the corner from Harry's job, so Harry could drop him off on his way because Louis didn't have the money for transportation. He also had to deal with his son's birthday being in a week, he was turning four goddammit, and he knew they'd have a small party to celebrate including all his uncles and his auntie (the boys and Danielle), and of course his nanas (Anne and Gemma, his mother had been gone the minute she found out he liked dick in the first place). So Louis had yet to buy his gifts but he had ordered the cake (point one for Louis). He couldn't afford much but he knew he was going to get Mason as much as he could. He knew the boys and girls would too. Louis just really wanted to make this perfect for his son.
"Louis!" he heard Harry's voice call as he walked in the door with Mason in his arms.
"Yeah?!" he called back from the kitchen.
"I wanted to talk to you about something."
"What, Harry?" Louis' cell phone rang, "Can it wait? That's the bakery on the phone."
"Yeah, I guess," Harry said, looking a little deflated, Louis gave him a weird before walking into the hallway and answering.
"Hello, yes this is Louis. Mhm- Yeah- Thank you. You too. Bye."
"One second, the food is going to fucking burn goddammit," Louis cursed, quickly covering his mouth looking at Mason who appeared to not be listening, sighing in relief, before lifting the chicken from the burner, switching it off.
"Now what do you want to talk about?"
"I was wondering if we could have a Haz and Lou day, we never have those anymore, just Zaynie and Lou," Harry said pouting, Louis thought he looked like a giant ten-year old, if that wasn't the cutest shit he'd ever seen, he didn't know shit.
"Of course we can- we just need someone to watch Mason I guess-"
"Great. Already taken care of, I already asked Liam to do it tonight," Harry evaluated seeming proud of himself.
"How long have you been planning this Harold?" he said skeptically.
Harry grinned, "Maybe a week, maybe an hour, you'll never know," he sing-songed. And yeah, Louis was in love with a fucking idiot.
"And tonight?" Louis raised his eyebrows when Harry nodded, "Where are we even going?"
"Rosso's!" Harry exclaimed, pumping his fists up for emphasis.
"We haven't been there together in ages or at all really, Haz! You know it's my favorite!" Louis said, now excited.
Harry looked really smug and Louis wanted to kiss the smug off his face, if that makes sense.
"Be ready at seven-thirty," Harry sing-songed, then skipped, literally fucking skipped, out of the kitchen.
Louis shook his head looking at a confused Mason, who was sitting on one of the kitchen stools.
"What wa' that, daddy?"
"If only I knew, bub," he said sighing dramatically, causing Mason to furrow his tiny eyebrows, confused, Louis just smiled and ruffled his dark chocolate-brown hair- just like Jesses, "You're spending the night at uncle Liam's, let's go pack your stuff," Mason's demeanor changed comically, he threw his hands up- a signal to be carried because he can't jump from the stool himself, and he really likes being carried by Louis. Louis then picked Mason up, pulling him to his right side before carrying him to their bedroom to pack his clothes for the night.
At seven Liam had just picked Mason up with Danielle, who winked at Harry on the way causing Louis to give him an odd look, and Harry just shrugged, smiling before going to his room to get ready, then Louis couldn't help but do the same.
When both of them were ready they were in casual clothing, Louis in a sweatshirt much to big on him with a matching beanie and some black skinnies and Harry wearing some black skinny jeans himself with a black v-neck and a ridiculous headband pushing his curls up.
"Why the fuck are you wearing a headband for God's sake?" Louis said.
"M' curls are all messy, need a trim, and I'm to lazy to get that done."
Louis looked at Harry for a second before stepping close to him so they were face to face, Louis was much shorter than Harry so he had to look up while he put his arms above Harry's head, untying the headband while Harry was watching him closely, peering down at Louis, said boy shrunk under the intense gaze as he fumbled with the knot before finally untying it, pulled it from Harry's head and reaching up to ruffle Harry's curls- which surprisingly, weren't as messy as Harry made them out to be. With a bit of tucking Harry's hair looked fine. When Louis was finished he stepped back to admire his work.
"See, you look fine like that. I love your hair, not some ridiculous headband," Louis smiled slightly. Harry was looking at him, head tilted to the side slightly, staring at him.
"What?" Louis said, chuckling a bit uncomfortably, Harry's head snapped up.
"Nothing, thanks Lou, let's go. Don't wanna miss the bus it's-" Harry fumbling before he peered at the cable box clock above the TV, "Seven thirty-one, one minutes late so we gotta go!" Harry stumbled to the door before practically throwing it open and looking at Louis expectantly. "You coming?" he said, one eyebrow quirked, and a small teasing smile on his face. Louis just shook his head at him, smiling to himself before walking to Harry. "After you m'lady," Harry teased. "You're such a dork," Louis said, pushing Harry's chest lightly.
"But I'm a cute one," he joked, and Louis rolled his eyes playfully.
But yeah, he really was.
When they got to Rosso's, it was pretty empty compared to a Friday, which wasn't weird for a Tuesday night, Louis supposed. When Harry got the small line with the one family and one couple ahead of them, they sat on the cushioned seating area off to the side. The two chatted for a few minutes before the they looked up to see it was their turn. An older woman in around her forties with auburn hair led them to a small table off to the side, by the windows, Brandy, her name was. After she took their order they started talking about stupid formal shit, which as always turned into joking around and banter, that was just them, Harry and Louis. After their cokes got their they ordered the same thing they always got, before they somehow got into the relationship topic.
"When was the last time you got laid, Harry?" Louis joked.
"God, it's literally been like two years," Louis literally choked on his coke.
"Seriously?" Harry nodded, "Goddammit, you need laid," Louis chuckled. He was being really hypocritical, with the whole over four years thing, but Harry was a free man without a child to worry about, he could get fucked anytime. Louis didn't blame Mason for his lack of love life (or sex life) either, Louis didn't really care to be honest, he was fine with his lube and purple vibrator, (which were hidden in a place Harry would never find them, hopefully) and his hand, no matter how pathetic or weird he sounded.
Harry laughed too, "Hopefully soon."
Louis heard a small clink as their dishes were set in front of them, they gave Brandy a quiet thank you before beginning to talk about the previews of Teen Wolf, and then almost immediately went into a debate about who was the hottest guy on the show, because they were teenage girls at heart.
"Dylan, is a fucking sweetheart, how can you not want to fuck him and cuddle him at the same time, Jesus!" Harry exclaimed, literally throwing his hands up for emphasis.
"But how can you not want to be fucked by Tyler Hoechlen, that stubble can go places," Louis said dreamily, pretending to twirl his hair. And Louis was starting to think they really were teenage girls.
"Nope! I'm done with you, we're over," Harry said crossing his arms.
"No no, baby. Please take me back!" Louis said, playing along.
"Nope, it's too late now."
They both stared at each other for a second before bursting into laughter, Harry literally fucking slapping his knee, because he was a fucking dork but Louis still loved him. He really did.
The two walked out of the restaurant laughing about Niall's drunken texts he was sending at the moment. Right as they were about to cross the street Harry stopped him.
Harry looked at Louis, bringing his hand up to brush his cheek with his thumb, gently, always gentle, before Louis' phone rang causing them to bolt apart.
"It's Liam," Louis said, answering.
"He was fine a little bit ago, but now he says he'd dizzy and I don't know what to do."
"Okay, I'm on my way," he pushed the end call before turning back to Harry, "Mason's sick, we need to get home, now."
Harry's eyes widened before they were bolting across the parking lot to the nearest bus stop, nearly missing it. They both plopped on the tattered seats breathing heavily. While they were waiting Louis cuddled into Harry's side, causing Harry to tense a bit before relaxing and cuddling back into him.
"I hope he's okay," Louis murmured into Harry's t-shirt.
"He'll be okay, Lou. Li only said that he was sick, didn't say he was puking blood or summat," Harry assured, slipping his hand under the fabric of Louis' sweater before rubbing circles on his back.
Mason turned out to be completely fine, just had a stomach bug, which went away two days later, a day before Mason's fourth birthday. Louis had been sending Liam and Danielle out to get the gifts left, and everything was set. They were having a small cake with a little number four on the top, along with a "Happy Birthday Mason!" in a cursive font and pink frosting and a spiderman figurine.
The whole thing went well, Mason loved his gifts, and they ate cake and pizza. Around four Anne and Gemma had to head home because Gemma had to work soon, followed by Niall and Zayn because they "wanted to get high and couldn't do that around a four year old". Danielle and Liam were the last to leave around seven, planting a kiss on Mason's forehead, who had fallen asleep about twenty minutes ago, before calling out their goodbyes on their way out.
"And then there were two," Louis said, smiling.
"Wanna take the type to bed then watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the tenth time?" Harry said.
The whole movie thing turned into the two getting drunk, which they hadn't done in ages, and it felt good. Louis had drank much more than Harry, who was definitely more on the sober side.
"That's so sad though, Harry!" Louis slurred, clinging to Harry's shoulder.
"What," Harry said, chuckling fondly.
"He wanted to die! Which I understand why, his aunt raped him, and his best friend killed himself! That's some fucked up shit man."
"And for Christ's sake! People actually thought we was better! If anything they should keep a closer eye! But his new friends didn't even know how he felt, wow. Reminds me of myself," Louis said. His mind was all foggy, and he loved it.
"What do you mean, Louis?"
"You know what I mean, Harry! Wait, you don't. You think Jesse gave me closure? If anything he fucked me up more," Louis paused, "You know what he told me before you came and kicked him out?"
"What?" Harry prompted.
"He said that he left me because he was never planning on staying forever. I was literally just a fuck do him. He said no one could put up with me forever, because I always whine and complain too much!"
"So you know what? I stopped doing that. I knew I couldn't cry in front of you anymore, because you'll leave me too," Louis' thoughts weren't so cloudy anymore, he furrowed his eyebrows, he didn't like it, he wanted his mind to stay numb, so he didn't have to think about what would happen when he was sober.
"You think I'm going to leave you," Harry said, sounding hurt.
"It's not like I'm like 'oh no, he's going to leave me so I'll push him away so I can blame it on myself' bullshit. It's the trying to keep myself together so you don't leave me thing."
"I'm not going to leave you, Louis."
"I hope not," when Harry didn't say anything Louis lolled his head to the side, propping it against the arm of the couch before closing his eyes, falling asleep within a few minutes.
When Louis woke up, his hangover was absolutely awful. He sat up, groaning, before the events of the previous night came back to him.
"Shit," he said.
Louis looked to his right, relieved at the sight of Harry's sleeping form curled up in the arm chair. Louis sat up straighter, finding the ibuprofen and two plastic water bottles on the coffee table like Harry always did when they got drunk, because of course. Louis opened the bottle of water, setting the bottle and cap on the table before taking two pills out of the ibuprofen bottle and popping one in his mouth ad grabbing his water bottle with the other hand. After popping the second in his mouth he stood up with his still throbbing head, towards his bedroom, where his son was still asleep. He looked at the alarm clock before remembering it was Thursday, and he was off for the day. He crawled back in his own bed before slipping back to sleep.
When Louis woke up again, it was to the sound of pots and pans clanking from the kitchen, Louis opened his eyes and couldn't find the energy to move, so he weakly called for Harry, feeling pathetic.
"Yeah, Lou?" Harry said, now at his doorway.
"Can you help me?" Harry knew what that meant, looking at him sadly before pulling out his meds in the bedside drawer, kneeling and opening the water bottle Louis usually kept on his dresser while Louis sat up before Harry handed him the pills and Louis popped them in his mouth, throat burning a bit from the alcohol from the previous night.
"You good?" Harry said, standing up straighter.
"You don't have to treat me like a fucking child, Harry," Louis spat, immediately regretting it. He knew this was normal Harry, not because of the previous night, he was just always like this.
"No Harry, I'm sorry, gosh. I'm just pissed off at myself right now, I'm not mad at you."
Harry nodded because leaning down, pressing his soft lips to Louis' cheek before walking back to the kitchen, where Mason was waiting.
Things were awkward for the next few days, Harry was practically tip-toeing around Louis after his outburst. And Louis was torn between pretending he was okay or showing Harry he was a complete mess, even though he couldn't fool Harry anymore. They still did the usual thing, Harry still took Mason to daycare while Louis worked his boring shifts at the library, they'd head home and cook dinner or order take-out. The only thing different was them, HarryandLouis. Things were just... awkward. And Louis didn't know what to think of it. (He was starting to think Harry was planning to leave but he only let himself think of it during his nightly two am showers.)
And Louis couldn't let himself think of it, so he did start doing something he never thought he'd do. Seriously harming himself. It started a few days after when Louis was making toast in the small toaster over, it was weird, Louis thought, he'd never thought he'd even seriously think about it, well actually doing it, of course he'd thought about it. He'd just never imagined him actually pressing his wrist into the metal holding thing for the toast, of course his first reaction was to pull back, shaking his head at how stupid it was for him to do that. He momentarily thought it was stupid, the whole self-harming thing, why did people do that? He didn't feel relief at all. Then later in the shower he spotted the razor, before grabbing it, plucking the blades out, pricking his fingers while doing so, and tossing the plastic of the razor and two of the blades into the wastebasket beside the toilet. He looked at the blade for a second, rotating it a bit, making a little glint even with the dimness of the curtained shower. He thought about it for one more second before pressing the blade to his upper thigh, squeezing his eyes shut as he pressed it while swiping it to the side. He looked down to see what he'd done, seeing three little red beads appearing at the surface. In all honestly, it freaked him out. He found himself flushing the razor down the toilet and making sure the razor was buried in the trashcan with some clean toilet paper before cleaning up the small cut and creeping back into his room and sleeping. It really fucked him up to not have any way to let his feelings out except late night sobbing that never helped anymore. But it also made Louis think about how fucked up he was, he'd actually tried hurting himself. And he really didn't now what to make of anything anymore.
Louis' mind was so fucked up he couldn't even think anymore. He already knew that self-harm didn't work out for him but he already found himself looking for objects that would hurt him, even though he wasn't planning on using them. He would spot a knife and think about reopening the razor scab, and the toaster over brought back thoughts of trying again. Louis really had enough when he was trying to cook fucking dinner and he could himself slowly lowering his wrist to the flame over the gas powered stove. As soon as he felt the heat wavering off of it he jumped back, switched off the burner and just stared at the stove. This is what I've fucking become, a fucking psycho. He slowly backed away from the burner, looking at it like it would reach out to grab him at any second. His head whipped around when his back hit the wooden counter standing in the middle of the kitchen, paranoid. Louis slowly lowered himself to the kitchen floor, not caring about the drawer handles digging into his back uncomfortable while he pressed his back against it. Louis took in a shaky breath before he felt tears building in his eyes, and his breathing quickening. He allowed himself to cry into his hands, ugly sobs escaping his shaking lips. He felt him sobs grow louder but didn't do anything to quiet or stop them. He didn't hear the door open, but heard his son call for him, sounded frightened.
"Daddy! Where are you?" Mason squeaked, and Louis felt guilty.
"I'm over here babe," Louis called shakily, trying to compose himself. He heard two pairs of footsteps come over before looking up, seeing a worried looking Harry and Mason.
After a second, Harry knelt down in front of Mason, "Hey, Bud. Why don't you go play with your new toys while I talk to your daddy," Harry said softly, and Louis could almost cry again.
"Is Daddy okay?" Mason says, looking really upset, his bottom lip wobbling a little.
Harry glanced at Louis' broken state before answering, "He will be," and Louis didn't know if he believed it. Mason just looked at Louis again before tottering back to their bedroom.
Harry sighed before turning to Louis. "What's going on, Lou. Be honest with me," Harry said, still being gentle even though it was obvious to Louis that he was tired of his bullshitting.
Louis couldn't help but sob again, "I'm so fucked up, Harry."
"Hey, hey, hey. Don't talk like that. Now, what happened?" Harry said, pulling Louis' hands away from his face, looking Louis over for a second, "And what happened here?" Harry said, pointing to the small burn mark on Louis' wrist. Of course, Louis sobbed again, and Harry put two and two together.
"Lou, you didn't..."
"I don't fucking know what came over me, Harry," I was just making fucking toast, and I've heard about people doing it, so I tried it. Harry opened his mouth again, but Louis kept going again, "I didn't like it Harry, I didn't like it all, but goddammit. I tried again, in the fucking shower, I broke one of the razors, and cut myself, once. It all freaked me out, and it didn't help. I don't feel any better. If anything I feel worse."
"But the reason I had this whole mental breakdown. I tried it again, I don't know why. I was making fucking dinner and I just almost burned myself on the burner. It freaked me out, Jesus. Harry, I'm becoming afraid of myself."
"What spurred this whole thing, Louis? Why do you suddenly want to harm yourself," he spat the word like pure venom.
"You," Louis said simply. Harry stared at him for a second.
"I don't want you to leave me."
"Louis, I would never leave you," Harry said, words watered with his own tears building.
"I'm so sorry," Louis croaked.
"Don't be sorry," Harry said sternly, wrapping his lanky arms around Louis' shoulders, pulling back to thumb away the tears that had been soaking his shirt. Harry then pulled Louis close again, running his fingers through Louis' hair. The two staying like that, Louis listening to the sound of the small clattering of his son playing with some of his new toy cars, making fake engine and crashing noises. It was all comforting, his son living completely unaware of the demons his father was fighting, and the boy he was in love with's arms wrapped around him. He was at peace, if only for the moment. It wasn't long before Mason came running in, causing Harry to reluctantly pull away, asking his daddy would play with him, fake pouting that always worked on Louis. All innocently, oblivious, Louis thought ignorance really was bliss.
Now, Harry knew everything about Louis. All of his dark thoughts, everything. Except probably the biggest thing.
Louis was in love with him.
Louis had thought about telling him. But Louis knew Harry didn't feel the same way. Sometimes he had hope that maybe, just maybe, Harry returned his feelings. Mainly because of how he acted, he was so gentle and clingy- good clingy, of course. But then he remembered that Harry treated everyone like that, and his hopes sunk again. Louis discussed it over the phone with Danielle the next day, shooting her a text saying he needed to talk to her, and of course she called him immediately.
"Louis? What's wrong?"
Louis took a deep breath, "I'm in love with Harry," it felt weird on his tongue, he'd never actually said it out loud before.
"Tell me something I don't know, love," she laughed.
"Everyone knows, Louis."
"Everyone?" Louis squeaked, panicking a bit.
"Don't worry, Lou. Harry is just as oblivious as you."
Louis sighed in relief, "Wait- what do you mean-"
"Now, did you you call just to tell me that?"
"No," Louis breathed, " I was thinking about telling him."
"Do it," Danielle said immediately.
"But I don't think-"
"Do it, Lou. Goddammit do it. Do it.," Danielle interrupted.
Louis sighed, "Are you sure about this? And how do I do it. I can't just fucking randomly say, hey Harry, I've kinda been in love with you since high school, then just act like nothing happened."
"Sure you can."
"Danielle I'm not doing that goddammit."
Danielle sighed, "You're going to tell him somehow, right."
"Now help me out here, how do I do it?"
"I think you should just-" Louis heard the sound of the door unlocking, "Goddammit, he's home, bye," Louis rushed, hanging up.
Harry walked in then, Mason trailing behind him with his thumb in his mouth.
"Oh bud," Louis said walking over to his son, "You gotta break that habit, you could get sick," Louis said softly, pulling his son's small thumb from his mouth.
"Sorry, daddy," Mason said sheepishly.
"It's okay, bud," Louis said, pressing a light kiss to his forehead before standing up, finding Harry looking at him with a weird look on his face before he blinked his eyes really quickly, turning towards Louis.
"You didn't make dinner?" Harry questioned with one eyebrow quirked.
"I was thinking we could do takeout," Louis said, smiling a bit, which Harry returned.
The whole confession and promise to Danielle was on his mind the whole night, even with Mason distracting him. He was definitely not prepared for what Mason said later. He was bathing Mason, door open like always, Harry washing dishes in the kitchen.
"Daddy?" Mason said innocently.
"Is Harry my mummy?"
Louis sputtered on air, "No. Why are you asking that all of a sudden?"
"This other boy was telling me about his mummy, then he asked if I had one, and I said Harry, 'cus I don't know what he meant. Then he laughed at me and said a mummy was a woman," Mason said, face scrunched up, confused and adorable.
"You don't have a mummy, baby. You have two daddies, babe."
"Yes, that's right."
"So is Harry my other daddy?" Mason asked, trying to understand everything Louis was telling him.
"No, babe," Louis coughed awkwardly.
"Where is my other daddy then?"
"He left a long time ago, sweetie," Louis said, feeling a little pang in his chest.
"Is that why you're sad daddy?"
"What do you mean, babe?"
"Daddies and Mummies always look so happy together. And you don't have my other Daddy, is that what makes you sad?"
Louis sighed, not expecting to have this conversation so early, Louis thought Mason was definitely too smart for his age,"Tell you what, babe," Louis leaned in a bit, stage whispering, "I don't need your other daddy, you know why?" Mason shook his head, "Because I have someone a lot better. You," Louis felt warmth in his chest when he say Mason smile widely. Then Mason was frowning again.
"Daddy, why are you sad all the time?" Mason said, confused.
"Because, I don't feel like I'm good for you, because I'm always sad, it makes me sadder. And because I do love someone else, and he doesn't love me back," Louis didn't know why he was telling this to a four year old, but he was.
"But you're the best Daddy in the world!" Mason exclaimed, flailing his arms up a bit for emphasis, splashing Louis a bit causing him to chuckle.
"Thank you babes, now let's get you dried off," Louis said fondly.
The next Saturday Harry convinced Louis into having another 'Haz and Lou day', (more like asked him twice and promised him that Liam was watching Mason again) and this time they were staying inside, watching some of their favorite movies together, deciding against drinking, (well Louis did, not wanting a repeat of last time, he only had one secret left to tell, and Harry followed suite), but they also ordered pizza and began watching The Notebook, because they're cheesy little shits. Louis was curled under Harry's arm on the sofa, and Louis could barely concentrate on the movie because he was thinking about telling Harry, but watching the movie in and out. When it got to the part where they revealed her Alzheimer's, Louis was fucking thinking and it spurred something in him. He started to think about how fucking short life is and how Harry would be gone anytime, and so could he, and he definitely didn't want to go before Harry knew he loved him, and not as a friend. Louis thought about it the rest of the movie, and when Harry got up to pop the disc out, Louis stood up too when Harry reached the DVD player built in the TV. After Harry popped the disc in place, he looked at Louis expectantly.
Louis took a deep breath,even though he knew no amount of air would prepare himself for what he was about to do, he was tired of being a fucking pussy. He walked towards Harry, putting his arms around Harry's shoulders and he did it.
He was fucking kissing Harry, and Harry was fucking kissing him back. Louis pulled away, resting his forehead on Harry's chin.
"I love you so much," Louis said, feeling really fucking emotional.
Harry didn't speak for a moment, he pulled his face away from Louis' brushing his thumb against Louis' cheekbone, before mumbling, "I love you too."
Louis laughed lightly, relieved, before attaching his lips to Harry's again. The two stumbled into Harry's bedroom- because admittedly, having sex in a room you share with your son would be a total mood killer, only pulling apart so they didn't fucking fall- especially with Harry's giraffe legs. When they reached the bed, Harry pushed Louis onto it.
"Do you have anything?" Louis asked, breathlessly.
"No, just condoms" Harry said a bit sadly, breathing heavily as well.
"I can take it, God. Don't need lube, just some spit maybe. Fucked myself with a dildo in the shower," Louis admitted, in too much of an adrenaline rush to be embarrassed. Harry practically growled at his words before pulling his own shirt off, and Louis did the same. Harry then grabbed at Louis', pulling at the loops as Louis lifted his hips, Harry taking his boxers along with it. Harry pulled his own sweats off along with his boxers before spitting at his own fingers, prodding the first one at Louis' entrance. Louis moaned a bit at the new intrusion, moaning a bit when Harry began to slowing fuck him with his index finger before slowly pushing in a second one along with it. Louis arched gripped the sheets, biting his lips white at the feeling. When Harry added a third finger, Louis felt a slight burn as Harry fucked him with his fingers. Once Louis got used to the feeling, he breathed out before saying, "I'm ready."
Harry slowly pulled his fingers out fingers out before making his way up Louis body, trailing kisses up his small tummy all the way to his neck, muttering, "So beautiful, babe," he said, grabbing the condom out of the nightstand behind Louis. He tweaked Louis' nipples a bit before sitting back up and rolling the condom on, spitting on his hands as much as he could as to not hurt Louis, and Louis gave himself a second to fond over Harry (if that makes fucking sense), before he felt the tip of Harry's cock entering his hole. Louis braces himself for the slight burning he knew there would be, due to Harry's just above average size. It didn't hurt too much as Harry bottomed out against Louis, stilling for a few moments to let him adjust, grabbing Louis' hands to intertwine their fingers.
"I love you so much, Lou. So fucking much," Harry said. And yeah, it was a bit weird to have said when his dick was inside of him, but Louis didn't care, because Harry fucking loved him all along, he was fucking oblivious like Danielle had said, both of them were.
"I love you too, Haz," Louis said before he felt Harry begin to slowly move inside him, gently, always fucking gentle. And even though it was fucking sex Louis couldn't help but feel so fucking loved, because that's what it felt like, not like with Jesse, he realized, that was just sex, this was making love, as cheesy as it sounded, it was. Louis felt himself letting out small gasps before Harry said, "Let it out, babe."
So Louis did, moaning loudly while he pressed his hands into the bed sheets along with Harry's, who's were still tangled in his. Harry was moaning a bit, but Harry was never a loud person. Harry began to slowly increase the speed of his thrusts before he finally found the angle, hitting Louis' prostate, and Louis arched his back up before collapsing, whining when Harry's speed got even faster.
"Harry just- please- fucking touch me- fuck," Louis whined, before feeling one of Harry's hands leave his and then begin jerking him off in time with his thrusts. Louis heard his moans increase as he felt as feeling coiling in his stomach as his orgasm approached.
"Fuck," Louis groaned as he spurted onto his stomach and Harry's hand, who kept jerking him through his orgasm. Harry kept thrusting into Louis' now sensitive hole before he spilled into the condom, slowing his thrusts while he fucked himself through his own orgasm. Harry slowly pulled out, pulling off the condom and tying it before throwing it into the trashcan beside his nightstand. Then Harry laid down next to Louis, both boys still panting. Harry wrapped him arms around Louis pushing Louis onto his side abit and rotating himself a bit so he could spoon Louis from behind.
"You know, I really do love you," Harry mumbled into Louis' ear. Louis pulled on of his arms out from under him to squeeze one of Harry hands as if to say I know. Harry hummed a bit while Louis drifted off to sleep, feelings happier than ever.
Louis woke up to the sound of pots and pans, the usual morning. Louis smiled to himself as he remembered what had happened the previous night. He looked around Harry's room, finding a sheet draped over him. Louis slowly got up, picking the sweats off the floor, feeling a little bit of soreness in his ass. When he stood up he cracked his back before making his way out and into the kitchen, he was met with the sight of Harry shirtless, frying some eggs and bacon, humming something that sounded a lot like Kip Moore's, Hey Pretty girl, making him smile a bit to himself before making his way behind Harry. Louis circled his arms around Harry's bare waist from behind, giggling a bit when Harry jumped.
"Hey babe," Harry said, chucking as he turned around to face Louis.
"Hey," Louis smiled.
"I love you," Harry spoke, like he was testing it out, because he was.
"I love you too," Louis returned, and seeing Harry beam like he did was probably was the best feeling ever. After Harry finished the breakfast, dishing it out, and they ate, Louis spoke.
"Harry?" Louis said.
"How long have you- yanno, loved me?" Louis asked.
"Probably since grade eight, but I didn't except it till grade nine, but by then you had Jesse" Harry chuckled a bit, but Louis felt guilty.
"I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't realize-"
"Don't worry about it, Lou. What about you, Louis?" Harry raised his eyebrows at Louis.
"Probably since grande seven- when I realized I liked guys, I think it was actually because of you," Louis chuckled lightly, "But I was trying to hard to pretend they weren't there, and I did a good job of it. But it was always there just nagging at my mind. I didn't let myself think about it until I had my whole mental fuck-up. I pretty much started thinking about everything I pretended wasn't there. Like you, and my mum, and I finally let my insecurities get to me. But they biggest thing was you, Harry. I've spent so much time thinking you didn't love me that way," Louis laughed again.
"We could have been together in eighth grade if we weren't such fucking knobs," Harry said simply, and both of them laughed, mood lightening.
"Harry?" Louis said again.
"You know this doesn't change me, right? I'm still fucked up, now that I have you, I'm not magically fixed."
"Never said that babes," Harry smiled a bit, "But I think it's a lie that people say you need to love yourself to let someone love you. I think you need someone to help you love yourself."
Louis nodded shakily.
"I think I can help fix you."