Once upon a time, there were four bears who lived in a cottage in the woods. There was Poppa Bear, who was big and warm and friendly. There was Mama Bear, who wasn't really a girl bear, but all the other bears called him that because of his high-pitched voice. And there were the two younger Bears. Spacy Bear, who had just wandered into their home one day. He was fond of growling and then giggling because he thought he sounded so silly. And Baby Bear. who had the deepest voice of all, but was the youngest of all the Bears.
One day, the four Bears sat down to have breakfast. "Porridge again?" groaned Baby Bear. Mama Bear shot Baby Bear a dirty look. "It's not easy feeding four bears on our budget and porridge is *not* that expensive. You can eat it or you can go hungry."
Baby Bear grumped and stared forlornly at his bowl of porridge. Spacy Bear studied his bowl intently, trying to think of a word that would rhyme with porridge. Papa Bear and Mama Bear looked at each other and sighed. Papa Bear lifted a spoonful of porridge to his lips and blew on it. Mama Bear licked his lips while watching Papa Bear blow. He had such a wonderful technique.
Papa Bear yelped as he tasted the porridge. "Whoa, that's pretty hot!"
Mama Bear fluttered his eyelashes. "Thank you, I am..."
"Not you," Papa Bear growled. "The porridge! It's too hot! Go on, try yours!"
Mama Bear raised a spoonful of porridge to her lips and took a taste. He made a face. "What? Mine's too cold!"
Baby Bear looked at his parents. "Y'all are crazy if you think I'm gonna try mine."
They all knew better than to ask Spacy Bear what his porridge was like.
Papa Bear stood up. "We can't eat this." Mama Bear glared at Papa. "Don't look at me like that. This is *strange* porridge! Mine's too hot, yours is too cold..." Papa Bear threw his hands up in the air. "Let's go for a walk. Maybe there's a restaurant around here somewhere..."
"Yes dear," Mama Bear as he got up. "Come on boys, let's go," he said to the children. Baby Bear rolled his eyes. "I know, I know. I have to watch Spacy." Mama and Papa nodded.
The four Bears left their house, Papa and Mama bear walking arm in arm, Mama doing his best to soothe Papa's temper. Baby held Spacy's hand tightly. They had learned the hard way that one of them had to keep an eye on Spacy at all times. Otherwise he was likely to wander off and get lost. Though Baby made a big show of how much he hated to care for Spacy, he secretly liked it.
They didn't bother to lock the door to their house. As Papa Bear once said, "We live out in the woods! Who would rob us. The squirrels?"
A short while later, a young lad came skipping up the path that led to the Bears' home. He was tall and slender, and his golden curls shone in the sunlight. His mother had named him Goldilocks because of his beautiful, curly locks. Goldilocks didn't like that name though. He was always trying to think of a name that was better suited to him.
Goldilocks sniffed the air as he continued to skip. He thought he smelled porridge. Goldilocks *loved* porridge, but his mother never served it because she was allergic. He stopped skipping and started to walk, sniffing the air as he went. It *was* porridge! Goldilocks followed his nose to the door of the Bears' home.
Goldilocks knocked on the door. "Hello! Anybody home?" There was no answer. Goldilocks bit his lower lip and looked around. That porridge smelled really good, and it had been awhile since he'd had some. Goldilocks took a deep breath and tried the doorknob. The door opened and Goldilocks stepped inside.
His eyes grew wide as he saw the four bowls of porridge sitting on a table. "Wow, look at all that porridge!" Goldilocks wondered who would leave it lying around, but shrugged. If they didn't want it, he would gladly help himself. Goldilocks sat down in Papa Bear's chair and tried Papa's bowl of porridge.
"That's too hot!" he cried. Goldilocks looked at the next three bowls of porridge. "I hope the other people who live here don't like it as hot..." He moved down to Mama Bear's bowl of porridge. Goldilocks tasted it and made a face. "That's cold! And gross! Who could eat cold porridge?"
Goldilocks eyed Spacy Bear's bowl of porridge but decided to pass it up due to the glitter that had fallen in it. He then tried Baby Bear's bowl of porridge. "Wow, this is good porridge. Just right and everything. I'm lovin' it!"
Goldilocks quickly finished all of Baby Bear's porridge. He eyed the other bowls on the table, but he decided, "Nah, I'm not *that* hungry."
Goldilocks yawned. All those carbohydrates made him sleepy. "I wonder if there are any beds here? I mean, whoever owns this place won't mind if I take a short nap..." He got up from the table and went upstairs. "Man, this is some weird family. An entire room that's full of beds. They sure look comfy, though."
He decided to start with the bed that was closest to him, which was Baby Bear's. It was small, and Goldilocks wasn't sure he could fit into it. He climbed onto it and promptly sunk down. "Whoa!" came his muffled voice. "This bed is too deep!" Goldilocks struggled to get out of it, and once he did, he eyed the bed, an annoyed expression on his face. "Forget that one!"
Next was Spacy Bear's bed. It was bigger, and it sloshed when Goldilocks poked it with a finger. His expression was unsure as he got onto the waterbed. Goldilocks tossed and turned and only succeeded in getting motion sick. He rolled off of Spacy Bear's bed. "How could anyone sleep on something like that?"
Goldilocks turned his attention to Mama Bear's bed. He sat on the edge of it, not sure if it would slosh or swallow him up like the other ones had. It stayed still when Goldilocks sat down on it. He took that as a good sign, so he laid down and tried to get comfortable. It wasn't possible for him to get comfortable though, because the matress was so lumpy. Goldilocks frowned and got up from the bed. "I only like my mashed potatoes lumpy. Not my mattresses."
Goldilocks looked at Papa Bear's bed. It was the biggest bed of all, and it took up most of the room. The bed certainly looked comfortable, but the other ones had too. Goldilocks kicked off his shoes and got into Papa Bear's bed. "Mmmm," he sighed in contentment. "This is more than just right, this is fantastic." He rolled over and inhaled deeply, smelling pine and a muskier, manly scent.
Goldilocks drifted off to sleep and began to dream of the mystery man who owned the bed. His mystery man was tall, dark, and a little hairy. Goldilocks was actually turned on by the mystery man's hair, and he got an erection.
Downstairs, the door slammed as the four Bears returned home. "Who forgot to close the door? Do I have to remind you of what got in here the last time that happened? Those two blonde sisters and it took us forever to get rid of them!" Baby Bear looked at his parents. "I swear I shut the door. Isn't that right, Spacy?"
"Grrrrr!" Spacy said and then giggled as he scampered off. Spacy had finally come up with a rhyme for porridge and he didn't want to forget it.
Papa Bear stomped around, sniffing. "Someone's been in here all right." He gestured at the table. "Look! Someone's eaten your porridge, Baby!"
Baby Bear wasn't exactly upset about this. "Does this mean I can have something else for breakfast?" he asked. "I don't know why you thought we'd find a restaurant out there. We live in a forest..."
Mama Bear sighed and walked up behind Papa Bear. "I can re-use the porridge another time," he said as he massaged Papa Bear's shoulders. "And maybe our guest is still here," he said, licking his lips hungrily.
Papa Bear grinned. "Good point. I'll go check upstairs." Mama Bear turned his attention to the kitchen table. "I'll clean up breakfast. Baby, you go watch Spacy. Make sure he doesn't write anything on the walls."
Papa walked upstairs and entered the bedroom just as Goldilocks was waking up from a wet dream. Papa smelled the air and looked around at the rumpled beds. "I thought I told everyone to make their beds..." He scratched the back of his head as he looked around.
Goldilocks froze in Papa Bear's bed. He was caught!
Papa Bear studied the three other beds. He found a curled lock of blond hair on Spacy Bear's bed. "Spacy's not blond," he muttered.
Papa inhaled deeply. "Someone's been wanking in my bed!" He stalked over to his bed and pulled the covers back, revealing Goldilocks, who was shaking like a leaf.
Papa Bear smirked as he noted the wet spot on the front of Goldilocks's pants. "So *you're* the one who was wanking in my bed."
Goldilocks found that he couldn't even nod at Papa Bear. "It's okay," Papa said. "I promise, I won't bite. Unless you ask," he said, showing all of his teeth as he grinned.
Goldilocks let out a high-pitched scream and scrambled out of the bed. He ran for the window and jumped through it. Goldilocks landed in the bushes below. He got up, dusted himself off and ran for home as fast as his legs could carry him.
Mama Bear came upstairs, wiping her hands on her apron. "What was that scream?"
Papa Bear looked forlorn as he sat down on the edge of his bed. "I dunno. All I said was that I wouldn't bite unless he wanted me to."
"Poor thing," Mama Bear said. "Tell you what. Tonight, we can play 'Goldilocks' and you can be as rough and tough with me as you like."
Papa Bear smiled. "It's a date."
Mama Bear took Papa Bear's hand. "Come on, Spacy finally found a word that rhymes with porridge and he wants you to see too."
And they lived happily ever after.