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Law & Order:SVU- Oneshots

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Rafael's pov
_______________
His chest was rising and falling, and his heart beat was steady, that's how I knew he was asleep.
This past week had been hard, one of the most messed up case's SVU had ever handled and it was almost impossible to get a conviction.
But thank God the jury weren't idiots.
Sonny had almost been killed. 
He laid there in that hospital bed, I remember the call I got from Liv. 

 

....

 

"Barba" 

 

"Benson, what's going on."

 

"We got the perp. Can you Come down to the station see if he will take a plea? "

 

"Okay, I'm on my way."

 

"Before I forget, we have a new charge.." I cut her off

 

"What is it."

 

"Attempted murder, possibly murder depending."

 

"Depending on what?" I questioned

 

"Depending on if Carisi pulls through, he's still in surgery."

 

I felt slightly dizzy when I heard that.

 

"Oh God," I whispered and really hoped Benson didn't notice.

 

"What did you say?" She questioned

 

"Nothing I'll be there soon." I hung up and started walking faster.

 

....

 

I wanted to see Sonny I mean Carisi, but only family was allowed to see him and some close  friends, after his surgery, he had been shot ten at times and hit twice.

 

I cared about Carisi, hell I Rafael Barba loved Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. I had attempted to deny how I felt but it never worked, but the man was straight I knew he could never feel the same but that was fine, just seeing that dimpled smile was enough, to hear him ramble on about anything really was plenty, him always having something to say back when I would say some rude comment.

 

People think I say those things because I don't like him, but it's the opposite I am just like a little boy pulling a girl's pigtails.

 

To be one hundred percent honest Sonny had saved me from a very dark place and Sonny didn't even know.

 

That I didn't want to live but at the same time I didn't want to die, it was my own personal purgatory, I had always been alone, criticised and hated myself, everything about myself.

 

But when Sonny would search for my approval, started dressing better(because of me), asked for help with studying, forced me to go to dinner with him because according to him "if it wasn't for me he would never have passed the bar" the huge smile growing on his face as I said he would have passed no matter what, when Sonny would shadow on a case, I would pretend he annoyed but really it was always the highlight of my week.

 

When I lost my Abuelita it was the worst time of my life.
After that, I dreamt of death because "the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" to quote tears for fears- Mad World.

She was the one person who excepted I was gay. It wasn't a complete secret that I was gay but the only people who knew was my Abuelita, my mother and my old "boyfriends" if you can call them that, I had never been in a real relationship because no one ever cared enough about me.
'I am a hopeless romantic.' well, the hopeless part; who everyone thinks is a cold hearted ass hole, who is selfish and doesn't care.

 

But that isn't me.

 

And Sonny saw that that is why I fell in love with him.
The one person who cared enough to ask if I was okay after a hard case, say that he had never met an ADA who cared so much about the victims.

 

...

 

That is why I worked seventy-two hours straight to get the man who shot Sonny- I mean Carisi convicted as soon as possible.

 

...
I wanted to see Sonny, but once he was out of intensive care, his family was constantly there, and if not his family, Rollins would be there, sometimes Liv would be there. He was never alone, they didn't want him to wake up all alone; I guess waking up to me would be as bad.

 

It was getting late when they finished up with the case. "Well, I have to go take the night shift," Liv stated, I gave her a questioning look, she started to explain. "You know watch Carisi, his family doesn't want him to wake up alone and disoriented and neither do I."

 

"What about Noah?" I asked.

 

"Well lucy's there"

 

"Liv you haven't got to see Noah all week... I can keep an eye on Carisi."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Yeah." 

 

Liv looked apprehensive. "You know what that would be great I'll head down there with you, though, and if he wakes up no rude comments."

 

I agreed.

 

We headed down to the hospital. 

 

.....

 

And that leads back to the present, where the most beautiful human ever was peacefully sleeping, but after awhile I noticed that he would shake and his face would portray a look of pure terror, I knew he was having nightmares.

 

I hated seeing him like this, but that meant he was going to wake up, or at least hopefully means that I held his hand and rubbed small circles on the back of his hand so that he would know someone was there. That he was safe.

 

Once Sonny settled and breathing was steady I started to sing to him "the other night dear as I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms, But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken so I hung my head and cried." There was a tear running down my face well I sang " Sonny, You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much I love you so please don't take my sunshine away."

 

He was my only sunshine he made me happy when my skies were grey, he washed away my darkness.

 

"I'll always love you and make you happy if you will only say the same. But if you leave me and love another..."

 

I stopped there because the next line doesn't really pertain because he won't regret it someday so I changed the lyric "That will be okay, I will still feel the same, I know you'll never be able to love me, but that's okay."

 

I started to sing the proper lyrics again

 

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."

 

I shed another tear because Sonny wasn't out of the clear he has been in a coma for three days.(The Doctors said he may not wake up) But I continued singing. But I skip two lyrics because he had never said he loved me and I don't care he never will, I'll still feel the same.

 

"But now you left me and loved another; you have shattered all of my dreams..... You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."

 

I was crying but still, I continued singing to a man who I knew would never love me the way I loved him, I remember my Abuelita singing to me at night when I would have nightmares, it always made me feel safer.

 

"In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me when I awake my poor heart pains. So when you come back and make me happy I'll forgive you, dear, I'll take the blame."

 

I wish Sonny would love me, but it isn't his fault not only being straight but that I am truly unloveable, but I'll still feel the same.

 

"You are my sunshine,m y only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you so please don't take my sunshine away.."

 

That is when I noticed that the heart monitor was showing that Sonny's heart beat was fast, then his eyes fluttered open revealing beautiful blue eyes.

 

But then I realised he had probably heard me sing, and I was still holding his hand, crap I knew what would happen next I would probably be told to go away, that I was creepy.

 

Then Sonny spoke "Counsellah", he said in said in a very thick Staten Island accent. And had an apprehensive look on his face. Great now 'my only sunshine' would hate my guts, why did I have to be so damn creepy.

 

........

 

  did you really think this is over I can't leave Barba all sad, I hate sad endings and without further ado

 

.....

 

Sonny's pov

 

....

 

We had finally found the perp, but everything happens in a blur and I heard ten shots, I moved my hand and touched my stomach, I brought my hand back up, It was soaked in blood.

 

...

 

I hadn't wakened up yet, and I didn't know what was really happening, but I was always aware of someone being there, soft crying, conversations, I know my parents and sisters had all been there at one point, so had Fin, Rollins and Benson, but the person I wished would be here never showed the one person I love, but maybe they have, maybe I am not as aware as I thought I was. Maybe just maybe he did show up.

 

I was still pretty out of it.

 

....

 

I could feel the bullets going through my skin. And my intense fear I was shaking. Somebody held my hand I didn't know who but I felt safe.

 

Then I heard singing that was absolutely amazing, and I was finally waking up but kept my eyes closed whomever it was, was singing you are my sunshine, but at one point changed a lyric but what was sad was "I know you'll never be able to love me but that's okay."

 

The person singing loved me. Once he was nearing the end of the song I realised it was the one and only Rafael Barba, my heartbeat sped up.

 

What the hell was happening? Why was Barba here?"

 

I was trying not to panic, the man I had a crush on had basically said he loved me, I opened my eyes, it was very dim lighting in the room, but yet the light burned my eyes, after a couple of seconds I could see his green eyes shining and his face looked like it had relief but then his face looked almost scared. "Counsellah" dang it I can't even speak properly.

 

I felt Barba try and take away his hand. I held on and didn't let him, he looked as if he was a deer caught in the headlights.

 

"Did you mean it?"

 

"Mean what?" He replied

 

"You love me."

 

He was blushing now face as red as a tomato. I could tell he was at a lost for words. I left him speechless.

 

Wow what a good feeling, I made Barba speechless, the man who always had something to say.
So I did what I'm best at; Quoting movies.

 

"Admit it You think I'm gorgeous... You want to kiss me... You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to smooch me... You want to hug me."

 

Now I was blushing.

 

"Detective, did you really just quote miss congeniality to me."

 

And in that very morealisedI needed Barba. He was the perfect man extremely handsome, the smartest person ever, and has seen miss congeniality, of course, that being extremely important.

 

There were tears in his eyes. "Call me Sonny."

 

"Sonny...." He trailed off, he looked nervous "You still haven't given me a straight answer, Rafael."

 

I knew he wanted to say something but was scared to voice it.

 

"I can leave if you want me too."

 

"Woah there Counsellah, you can't just leave me alone... I 'm hopped up on pain meds." 

 

"Exactly."

 

"Come on Counsellah, under the influence words, are just sober thoughts." I winked, but I knew I wanted for Barba to love me. I loved him, and then I realised he probably thought I was as straight as a plank. When really I am about as straight as a slinky, in other words, I am gay. I didn't realise I was gay until I met Barba, I knew I didn't really like "like" girls but when I met him, I knew. 

 

"Rafael, you know I'm straight right."

 

He started to look panicked and tried to let go of my hand again.

 

"About as straight as a slinky." He had so much relief on his face.

 

"Counsellah, how bout you, are you as straight as a slinky too." He shook his head 'yes' slowly. "Because if you are, would you like to go out for dinner with me." He smiled. "And if you ain't interested, still will you go to dinner."

 

"I would love that Sonny."

 

"Good, Can you sing again?... You have the voice of an angel."

 

 

 

 

.....
Fin tutuola is amazing
I mean Finished

Chapter Text

Asshole

Jerk

Selfish

Ignorant

Uncaring

Repulsive

Fat

Old

Fag 

Narcissist

Arrogant

Bitter

Unloveable

These are the words people use to describe me.

...

"No, I can't take this to court Liv."

"Why not?"

"Not enough evidence, the jury will not convict him."

"This has nothing to do with evidence does it, and I know it. You Always only look out for yourself."

"Liv do you really want to put her through hell only to have him walk free, the best I can do is offer a plea deal."

"Barba, stop being a pompous selfish asshole for once, and think about someone else."

"Find more evidence, and I might be able to bring this to court, maybe."

"You could get the man convicted if you wanted too, but you're just a bitter old man."

Liv stormed out of my office, with the rest of the detectives trailing behind, Carisi stuck behind.

"Can I help you, Detective?"

"I think I got some evidence, that will link the guy to the crime."

"Really and how is that? the rest of the NYPD can't, so how do you plan on this."

 I felt bad for being so cold, especially since unlike the rest of SVU Carisi wasn't being unreasonable.

"Well, I found he had some priors and is on parole."

"And?"

"This crime is his MO, he's done it before but pleaded down to a misdemeanour."

"So pattern, what about probable cause?"

"His MO is to go after young blondes, who work for him."

"That is enough for a warrant, good job detective."

"Really, thank you Counsellah." His smile grew until his dimples showed, I had to hold back a smile, I was blushing I really hope Carisi didn't notice because that would be awkward. I was looking down at my paperwork now, but Carisi was still standing there fidgeting.

"Detective you are dismissed."

"Sorry, bye, and not that it matters but 'Liv' was wrong." He rushed out of my office looking rather nervous.

I actually felt happy In a way that was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

But I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that. Damn it I can't have a crush on him, he's straight. I let my head fall to the desk. Why can't I just not, I am grown man, I should be able to ignore my feelings but Carisi thought I was smart, and voiced that, he thought I was a good person, he seemed to care about me, I always felt happy around him, I think I was in love and I hated myself for it.

...

(THIS PART IS SAD, POSSIBLE TRIGGER, THIS WAS VERY HARD TOO WRITE)

I walked out of my shower, and then, unfortunately, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I saw the ugliness that is me, I gained a few pounds, I was a fat lard. That is what I am I could see it.

Grey hair was appearing, I can't even name the thousands of things that make me disgusting.

Who couldn't I look okay? Why did I have to be born this way, I try so hard, I don't even eat anymore.

I thought this way for the next ten minutes before I realised that I had the Familiar cold blade on my wrist as the crimson blood ran down my arm. I had promised myself that I would stop cutting, I guess this time of year is hard for me Valentine's day the media never lets me escape it. As if it wants me to be reminded of how alone I'll always be. 

... 

The blood in the bathroom took a long time to clean up. 

My bed felt cold and empty and I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel to have someone there beside me, to tell me my scars don't define me, to say they love me, to let me know that I'm safe, that I'm not alone.

After a long time, I managed to fall asleep.

...

Two days late

...

I went to get my 4th-morning coffee on my way to work, everything was decorated with pink hearts and dumb sayings.

"Sir, would you like the Valentine's day special; It's a heart shaped cookie."

"No thank you, just the coffee."

...

I worked for five hours on paperwork, before a knock on the door interrupted me.

"Come in."

In walked Carisi, he had such a beautiful smile. Dam it why do I think this way, even if Sonny was gay, which he is not, he could never have feelings for me.

"Counsellah, Benson wanted me to drop off some files."

"Okay thank you, anything else."

"No..um, are you okay."

"What?"

"Sorry, but you don't look 100% today."

"Okay, are you done." Okay, I sounded rude and offended.

"I mean not that you don't look good just..."

"Just what detective?"

"You seem a bit down in the dumps."

"And that is your business, why?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to um... Overstep."

He was blushing, probably embarrassed of what he said. He had a way of messing up words.

He continued

"Sorry, but I don't like seeing anyone sad."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Sorry, I can go now."

He retreated nervously. He complimented me, I felt okay about myself for once, on my darkest day Sonny turned out to be my light.

...

Thank you for dealing with the cheesiness of the last sentence.

Because it is necessary(cheesiness is my favourite thing)
Sonny's pov

...

Shit, why did Barba have to look so sad today it broke my heart. This time of year is always hard, but it seemed to really get to him.

I wonder if Barba is gay?

 single?

Or would ever settle for anyone like me?

 hope so on all three parts, damn me and my really bad flirting. 

...

Work had finally finished and everyone else was out on dates, so I did what any normal person would do to drown their sorrows, went to a bar. When I walked in I spotted a very good looking guy in a booth, then I realised it was Barba. So after about three beers, I had enough courage to sit right beside Barba.

"Counsellah.."

"What are you doing here detective?" He cut me off.

"What everyone is here for, to forget about life for awhile."

"Okay, that's nice why don't you go up to the bar and do that."

"Wow, somebody's being sassy today."

" Are you drunk?"

"Nah maybe a bit tipsy."

Barba rolled his eyes.

"You know that today's valentines day don't ya, ya got to have somebody special waiting for ya."

"No, how about you go pay attention to that blonde over there."

"Not my type."

"Oh really?"

"But that brunette beside her is definitely more my type if you know what I mean." I winked.

"You do realise that is a guy correct."

"What, are you homophobic or something?" I winked.

"No, just assumed you were straight."

"Giving my sexuality a lot of thought aren't ya." Damn, why did I wink?

"Go home you're drunk."

"I swear to drunk I'm not God."

I said well laughing. He smiled not a big one, but a smile and I wanted to see it again.

"Take a picture it will last longer."

He said in a very sarcastic tone, but you know alcohol seems to bring false confidence, so I grabbed my phone and took a picture.

"You do know I wasn't serious." He said bitterly

"So what."

"Delete it now."

"But you look so pretty." He started choking on the sip of whisky he just took when I said that, so I continued.

"Well you always look this pretty, actually no that doesn't describe it, beautiful maybe yeah beautiful."

Barba looked flustered. "Carisi, stop before you embarrass yourself too much."

"Honesty doesn't embarrass me."

He didn't reply, he was getting up about to leave.

"Hey, I thought we were having a conversation Counsellah."

"You're drunk."

"I guess you want this picture to be everywhere don't you."

"Are you blackmailing me?"

"Maybe"

He sat back down. "In case you didn't realise counsellah, I was flirting."

"I'm not stupid detective."

"I know that you're the smartest man alive." Barba scoffed.

 "Sure let's go with that."

"What do you mean by that?"

Barba looked almost sad

"Nothing."

"Oh come on, admit it you are super duper smart."

"Quite the vocabulary."

I finally decided something. "Would you like to get dinner with me."

Barba didn't reply.

"Pretty please."

"Detective..." I cut him off "Call me Sonny."

"Sonny, thanks but no thanks."

"Why not."

"Not hungry."

"Come on, I can cook if you don't want to go to a restaurant."

"No"

"Fine, then we'll stay here."

"Sonny please stop."

"Fine you don't have to be an ass about it."

Barba flinched a bit at the comment, looked a bit hurt and said nothing. "Sorry."

"About what?"

"Calling you an ass you're not, but you do have a nice one."

He looked nervous.

"Sorry um... please don't report me for harassment, I can go now if you want." 

"Is that offer for dinner still there detective?"

"Yeah of course." I was smiling really big now.

"Okay then."

"So where you wanna eat?"

"Don't know."

"Okay, would ya mind if I cooked?"

"No, I guess not."

....

We made it to my apartment in no time I made spaghetti. Barba looked uncomfortable, I had finally finished cooking and we were now eating Barba seemed uncomfortable eating his food.

"Sorry is it not good."

"No, it's fine."

"Come on you need to put some meat on those bones."

"I think there's plenty."

"No, not enough, now eat."

"Why did you invite me to dinner?"

"Because it is the only flirting I'm good at."

"So you're being serious about flirting."

"Yeah, I only flirt seriously."

"Sure"

"I kinda sorta have a crush on you."

"Sorry what?"

"I 'like' 'like' you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Well you won't"

"Why's that?"

"Have you met me?"

"Yes and you are so damn beautiful, a real gentleman, kind, unselfish, intelligent, caring, perfect, confident, sweet."

"Detective you don't mean that."

"Yes, I do." It looked like Barba was about to cry.

"Are you going to be okay counsellah?"

 

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it's just the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Are you being serious?"

He shook his head yes. I got up and walked over to him, I gave him a hug he tensed and then relaxed.

"Do you want to watch a movie counsellah?"

"Sure, but call me Rafael."

...

I chose the princess bride, we sat beside each other on the couch, about an hour in he fell asleep. Curled up, cuddling, he looked peaceful his eyelids covering his beautiful green eyes.

...

Rafael's pov

...

I woke up in Sonny's embrace, I got up to leave. "Stay, please." I heard the younger man say. But you know he probably forgot last night, or regretted it and didn't know what he was doing. 

"Please, Rafael I'm cold."

"As you wish," I replied when I realised he wanted me. 

...

Gentleman

Kind

Unselfish

Intelligent

Caring

Loving

Beautiful

Perfect

My love

Realistic

Confident

Sweet

Loveable

These are the words Dominick "Sonny " Carisi Jr use to describe me.

Chapter Text


Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. Point Of View

....

Barba was sitting across from me at his desk, his green eyes glossing over, proving that he was obviously over tired and over worked. We had been in his office for the past four and a half hours going over an impossibly hard case, it was just about midnight. And I could not focus on any of the words strung across the pages of the case file.

My mind kept on drifting to trivial thoughts, such as how nice Barba's smile was when he was happy, I wish I could get one of those smiles directed towards me. They were always directed towards Olivia.

I wish I didn't feel this way about Barba, It was still hard, to be gay, the very reason as to why I have been transferred so many times, my parents don't know but I knew they would never approve. This thought in itself proves how I can not concentrate, due to the late hour, I kinda just wanted to have a simple conversation that was pointless with someone who was extremely intelligent.(for example maybe ADA Rafael Barba)

I tried to pay attention to the file again. ('Attempted' being the key word.) Finally, I gave into my mind and said something so stupid that I do not expect it to be acknowledged. " Hey Counsellah, do you want to talk about dinosaurs?" 
In return, I got a sour look shot in my direction. "Excuse me, what." He said in a very condescending tone, that was just dripping with sarcasm. I could not reply, I felt so stupid I need to think before I speak. But he started speaking again, "Did you just ask me if I wanted to talk about dinosaurs?"

I didn't know what to do, I couldn't deny it, he had definitely heard me. "Yeah sorry, my mouth likes to run and leave my brain behind. Um... Dinosaurs just popped into my mind... and yeah.....um," I trailed off I was definitely nervous.
Barba just looked amused."Oh really so instead of working you just think about dinosaurs?" It sounded like a statement and a question, he was teasing me. "Have you even been doing any work this whole time, or just thinking about Barney?" I don't think the sass in this sentence could even have been measured.

"Counsellah, for your information I have been working this whole time, also I do not think about Barney when I think about dinosaurs, I think about, triceratops, velociraptors, Allosaurus', Tyrannosaurus Rex and Brachiosaurus'."

"So now instead of being a detective or a lawyer you're attempting to be a 
Palaeontologist." He was enjoying torturing me, there was amusement in his voice and the beginnings of a smile started to appear upon his face, I couldn't stop now I was making him smile.

"No I figured I could be just like Barbie, and do everything, you know instead of 'Barbie I can be anything' how about 'Sonny I can be anything'."
Barba started laughing, well it was barely a laugh more of just a chuckle and he was smiling, and what can I say I couldn't stop smiling either.

"So now you're Barbie, why does this not surprise me." He was chuckling ever so slightly well saying that.

"No I said I'm 'Sonny I can be anything' you know same thing just a different and better name, plus I'm way prettier than Barbie." Barba made a facial expression that made me question if what I said was out of line, I really need to think before I speak. But Barba actually laughed, it was a great sight.

"Detective, I think you might have a biased opinion." He was laughing well Saying this. Well kinda he had been holding the laughter back but he was shaking ever so slightly obviously from withholding laughter.

"Nah, Counsellah, I ain't biased, I'm just fetching, besides my smile's prettier." I had the biggest smile on my face, I just let the words fell out of my mouth.

"I don't know, barbie's smile is pretty perfect." Barba drowned the sentence with so much sarcasm that the words were struggling to reach the surface.

"Yeah but she doesn't have dimples, but I do see." I smiled more and pointed towards my dimples.

I swear that the tips of Barbas' ears turned red but, I must have been seeing things.

I continued speaking,"Barbie's smile always seemed a little forced don't you think?" I questioned, well trying to keep a serious face.

"Yeah, for once you are right, which you seldom are, detective." The words were just dripping with sass.

"What, I'm always right don't you know I'm the everlasting know it all..." I started laughing before I could finish what I was trying to say.

"Sure you are, and I'm a nun." He had way too much sarcasm.

"I don't know, you could totally be a nun." Well, that was the awkwardest thing I have ever said. He was laughing.

 

 

"Detective, I believe I have lost all hope of continuing working anymore today." I couldn't read his expression.

"Oh...um...yeah sorry... I um... I'm sorry I didn't mean to... Um, distract you... Or... Um, keep you so late." I sounded so nervous and I really hope he didn't pick up on it.

"Don't act so scared, detective, I don't bite. Besides I normally stay much later than this, it's only around midnight, right? And it probably best that I come back to this case when I'm less tired because to win this case I have to get past your bad detective work." He was teasing again.

"What you talkin' bout Willis?"

"Carisi, do not quote diff'rent strokes to me." He replied.

"Wait you know where the line's from, no way! Everyone says it but they have no clue, that is so awesome..." I couldn't contain my excitement, I felt so embarrassed.

"Yes I know it's from diff'rent strokes, what do you think I watched when I was a kid." We were both laughing, I really liked seeing Barba laugh
...
Fin tutuola
I mean
Finished

Chapter Text

Parking lot AU part 2
Here is a short sequel to the parking lot story

It had been three months since that accident in the parking lot, but sonny still thought about that handsome lawyer with a silver tongue, the words all had a purpose; well thought out. The man who didn't seem to care that sonny had scratched his car. The smile was enough to make sonny weak at the knees. Sonny always hated how easy he developed crushes especially when he was certain he would probably never meet them again, but the ADA plagued his mind constantly.

Rafael thought of that sweet man in the parking lot once in while. The man who was willing to go broke to pay for a scratched car. The man who spoke with his hands and had dimples (Rafael always loved dimples.) The car didn't even matter anymore Rafael got rid of it.

But three months passed since it happened and the image of each other started to fade from their memory's.

So when Sonny got transferred he was in for a bit of a surprise.

...

Rafael Barba pov

...

It was already a stressful day, but to add on to it Liv had been complaining to me all day about the new detective; Carisi. 

When I got to the precinct I was a bit miffed, the new detective had tried to do my job. I hate people who think they know everything about the law just because they read a few books or took a few classes. When I got to the precinct I couldn't really stay mad at him, he wasn't trying to look impressive he genuinely was trying to help. Also, he seemed familiar I knew him from somewhere, the problem is I can't figure out where; that is making me mad. I don't forget things, not things like that.

I know him, but from where that is the real question. I just can't seem to remember him.


...

Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr pov

...

Yet again I got transferred, this time to Manhatten Special Victims Unit. The first case was messed up.

The other Detectives and the Sergeant seemed to hate me, they treated me like garbage. They assume because I got transferred so much that I am bad at my job. It's annoying, but it's not the first time.

The ADA Rafael Barba, well he's pretty indifferent, in other words, he couldn't care less. He was sarcastic, sassy and boarding towards mean towards me. All of my legal ideas got ignored or were plain right said to be idiotic. I feel kinda useless. Still, I'm a total kiss ass to Barba, and not for the reasons most would think, people would assume it has to do with wanting to become a lawyer, in reality, I have a crush. 

The second I saw him walking into the precinct I remembered him, the guy in the parking lot. more specifically the really hot guy in the parking lot ( who's car I hit). It took all of my efforts not to get excited everyone already thought I was a little over eager. I thought I would never see him again.

...

After a few weeks of working there, I finally shaved off the 'creep-stache' as my sister called it. Barba was at the precinct that morning. I caught him staring at me as if he was trying to figure something out.
...
"Carisi, a word please," Barba said with a very determined look on his face. "Yeah sure." I followed him eagerly.

...

And That's how Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr and Rafael Barba ended up dating because that very day Rafael remembered who Sonny was.

Chapter Text

It was so bright out that morning the sun shining brightly in the sky an indescribable yellow. The sky was blue, such a nice magnificent baby blue, but Sonny and Rafael didn't know until they met. That's when colours appeared so beautiful just how Rafael saw Sonny, how perfect the colours were just how Sonny saw Rafael.

They went out a few times. 

They didn't disclose, yet.

They have been dating a year now.

They have become happier due to the colours and of course finding each other.

They had just got engaged.

They were going to disclose next week.

They loved each other.

They spent all their spare time together.

They thought they were going to grow old together.

They thought today was like any other day.

They were wrong.

Rafael just got someone sent to jail for 25 years.

The criminal's family were not impressed.

Sonny went to work just like any other day.

He was in a great mood.

The colours seemed so bright this morning.

Until they seemed to start fading.

Liv was in a hurry.

No one told Sonny because they didn't know.

Barba was shot in the chest.

Barba's eyes closed, but would never open again.

Sonny's world became black and white again.

A tear fell down his face.

His love was dead.

When Rafael died, he still saw colour.

Because Sonny was alive and alone.

He was so alone.

He pulled the ring, that promised a future and pulled it off of his finger.

He held it in his hands and prayed he was wrong.

That Rafael was okay.

It was only confirmed Rafael died when Fin got off the phone with Liv.

Fin said 'Barba was shot this morning, he didn't make it.'

Sonny couldn't breathe, he felt sick, he broke down.

His head fell in his hands.

Everyone looked downcast.

They didn't know.

He died inside.

He didn't smile anymore.

Every single day he would visit Rafael's grave and pray.

He would imagine the colours he saw when Rafael was still alive.

He did that every day until he passed away.

Alone, glad that he would finally be with Rafael again.

His soul mate.

He could finally be happy again.

 

Finished

Chapter Text

Dominick "Sonny" Carisi jr pov

 

.....

 

It was getting dark. I knew I had to be heading home soon, but I could not resist going on the Ferris wheel. So I got in line; turns out you can't go on by yourself. I ended up going on with some random person, (I was forced by the guy running the Ferris wheel) the boy I had to go on with did not look pleased.

 

The stranger seemed to be around 15 maybe 16 years old, so around my age. He was Cuban, his hair was dark brown and his eyes a beautiful green, I had to admit he was very, very, attractive.

 

So we sat there in silence well the ride continued. Then well we were at the very top It stopped; it broke down.

 

So here we are now stuck at the top, so of course, I started to talk. "What's your name?" The boy ignored me, I tried again, "Hello, did you hear me. What's your name?"

 

...

 

Rafael Barba pov

 

...

 

I was basically forced to be in the same cart as Sonny. To be candid I have a bit of a huge crush on him ever since grade four when he moved here. He was amazing and really good looking with those blue eyes, and the lovely hair, but he is way out of my league considering he is the captain of the baseball team and the MVP three years in a row.  Also, I'm 99% sure he's straight.

 

So I felt nervous, but to add on top of that the Ferris wheel broke down. I was up there with my crush, my main focus was to not blush. 

 

Then he asked me what my name was, I couldn't answer I felt so devastated I had been in almost all of his classes since he moved here and he had no clue who I was. I never expected him to like me back or anything, okay but to know that the person you care about so much, someone you would do anything for. Especially when you have gone to school together for eight years, known each other for eight years, been neighbours for eight years, were lab partners for two years. Am I really that forgettable?

 

I was honestly scared I was going to cry, he Started talking again. "Hey, are you scared or something? Because my mom always taught me it's rude to ignore people!"

 

Yeah rude to ignore people, it seems he's been ignoring me for eight years.

 

I did answer. "I'm fine, sorry didn't hear you." normally I would have said something mean or rude but I couldn't I had too big of a crush on him.

 

"Bullshit" He muttered under his breath.

 

"Excuse me, what was that?" now I was slightly angry.

 

"Nothing" he sounded irritated.

 

I couldn't help myself I was mad, "you're an ass."

 

"You don't even know me."

This is when I broke. "Yeah, no clue who you are Dominick, oh sorry Sonny," I said as calmly as possible withholding the tears in my eyes.

 

"How do you know my name? "

 

"You really are an ass, actually no sorry that's offensive to donkeys." I can't handle this, I get I'm not the cool kid or anything most people don't know my name, but how could I not even look familiar to him. He lives right across the hall in 221.

 

"Are you crying?" he said that in a much calmer softer voice.

 

   I looked away and didn't answer, I didn't want everyone at school thinking I was some crybaby, I was already hated enough. Well lost in thought I felt a  hand on my back. "Are you okay?" Sonny asked. I didn't know how to answer. I could not tell him the truth.

 

...

 

Dominick "Sonny" Carisi jr pov

 

...

 

After a slight altercation with the cute Cuban boy, he seemed to break down. I don't know why I'm trying to think of how he knows my name though, he seems familiar but I can't think of his name, I didn't know what to do so I put my hand on his back, that's when I noticed the suspenders, It was Rafael. Wait it was Rafael, my first friend when I moved here, my neighbour, my lab partner, my crush, the person who made me realise I was gay. Rafael even went to the same church as me. Oh my, no wonder he seems upset, I've known him for eight years and I couldn't remember his name. He was right I am an ass, but then again he's always right, I swear he is the smartest person I have ever met, ever.

 

"Are you okay?" He didn't answer. "Rafael are you okay?"

 

He looked up at me and there were definitely tears in his eyes. I couldn't help myself I pulled him into a very tight embrace. Really hoping he wouldn't push me away; he didn't push me away.

 

"Rafael are you okay?"

 

"Yeah sorry" he pulled away from the hug.

 

I was scared I read the moment wrong but I took a chance "Can I kiss you?"

 

WE KISSED IT WAS AWESOME, MY VERY FIRST KISS ON TOP OF A FERRIS WHEEL!

 

with Rafael, anyway I never forgot his name again.

Chapter Text

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't want to fall in love (this is only gonna break your heart)

No, I don't want to fall in love (this is only gonna break your heart)

With you

With you (this is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you

What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way

What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

And I don't want to fall in love (this  is only gonna break your heart)

No, I don't want to fall in love (this is only gonna break your heart)

With you

The world was on fire and no-one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

I'd never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you

And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't want to fall in love (this  is only gonna break your heart)

No, I don't want to fall in love (this is only gonna break your heart)

With you (this  is only gonna break your heart)

With you (this  is only gonna break your heart)

No, I (this is only gonna break your heart)

(This is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one

 

I felt like his world was burning around me, the world was on fire and no one could save me. Each night I felt the cool metal against his forehead, every time I closed my eyes I was staring down the barrel of the gun. I pretended getting held at gunpoint and having someone’s brain splattered onto my face didn’t affect me. I didn’t want to ‘bother’ anyone, but in that moment I had thought I was going to die, I thought about a lot of things in that moment and it scared me that I didn’t mind the idea of dying, I had considered doing it himself on so many occasions, I imagined death so much it seemed more like a memory.

The pain of being alive made it seem so appealing. Those thoughts had dissipated for a long time, I had fallen had fallen in love and no one could save me but him.

Save me from being so alone that it physically hurt. Save me from the nightmares.

It’s strange what desire could make foolish people do, isn’t it? It can make them act dumb, or it can make you destroy yourself.

I had never thought in my wildest dreams I could meet someone like him. So smart, so handsome, and he didn’t actually hate me. We were almost friends, and the mere thought that maybe just maybe he felt the same way towards me, or could feel that way was enough the slightest smirk directed towards me was enough to keep me happy, even on my darkest days.

I never dreamed I would ever lose him. I lost that slight smirk and getting to help with cases, I lost all of that hope I had when I found out He and Benson were in a relationship. I had just gotten a lead in a case; it was important. I knew Barba was in her office, but I figured they were discussing the case. I knocked but there was no answer, so I opened the door. They were kissing; embracing each other. I went to turn around and leave, but they had noticed my presence and stopped kissing.

“ Carisi...um...you didn’t see anything, okay?” Liv stammered, her face flushed from embarrassment. I just wanted to leave I felt slightly sick, I wish I hadn’t found out.

“I saw nothing.” I went to leave again.

“Wait, why did you come in here in the first place?” Liv questioned, her eyebrow raised.

“There’s a lead, and we need a warrant as soon as possible,” I replied, keeping the pain I felt away from my voice.

Barba had awkwardly stood there the whole time. It looked like Liv was about to say something, but I turned around and left before she could. I sat down at my desk, and held my face in my hands, I felt so pathetic, I didn’t have the right to be jealous or upset, nothing ever happened between us. Still, it hurt so bad, I lost the hope I had had. The hope that kept me grounded, and away from my dark side. I went to church every single chance I got during the following few weeks, I felt a bit better.

It still hurt though. I started acting different, more detached. I was bitter towards him. Because it lessened the pain just a bit, but I hated myself for it.

No, I don’t want to fall in love, it only will break my heart.

No, who am I kidding I already fell in love, and it broke my heart.

Why did I have to fall in love with him, it only broke my heart.

Why did I always fall in love with people a billion times better than me, I think the short answer is because everyone is better than someone as worthless as me: I’m not brave, I’m too afraid to even come out of the closet, I’m not attractive, I no longer got youth on my side. I’m just not good enough.

But is it really too much to ask, just for someone that can stand me?

Oh, what wicked games he played that made me feel this way. The smirks he gave me. The teasing. His laughter when I would say something so stupid it was funny.

What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of him, I dreamt that I could be with him that I could have a future with him, that on the hardest nights it would be his strong arms around me protecting me.

What a wicked thing to know he never felt this way about me and never would.

What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of him, I tried not to but seeing him made me wonder, and dream that maybe just maybe.

And I wish I didn’t fall in love, it has only broken my heart.

No, I wish I didn’t fall in love. It only broke my heart.

The world was on fire, No one could save me but Rafael. Save me from the beast inside my own mind.

It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do, I’m spiraling down a path of darkness, as I lose the war in my mind isn’t weird that love can bring death.

I never dreamed I’d love someone like him, but I did. Everything about him did this to me his beautiful smile, his intellect, how much he cares about what he does. Falling in love with him saved me and gave me hope, who knew it would also be what damned me.

I never dreamed I would lose somebody like him, just when he was respecting me as a coworker, maybe even a friend.

It all came crashing down because I can’t control my own emotions.

And I didn’t want to love him because I knew it would break my heart.

I didn’t want to fall in love with him because I knew he could never love me.

No, I. This broke my heart.

I didn’t want to do what I did next, I tried to save myself. I knew I couldn’t be trusted alone tonight. I tried to work overtime, but Liv sent me home saying I needed rest.

It would never have gotten this far if just one of the things that destroyed me didn’t happen: If I hadn’t fallen head over heels for Barba if my hope hadn’t been torn to shreds. If I hadn’t been held at gunpoint, maybe if I had gotten help, maybe if I wasn’t so alone.

I’ve been fighting so long I don’t want to give up, but it seems so pointless because apparently

Nobody loves No one.

So I wrote a final note to say goodbye.

Dear whoever this may concern, it is not your fault I’m dead, It was my choice because I’m a coward. I did everything wrong and chose the easy way out because death is easy living is harder. So goodbye.

It was short but hopefully enough for closure, if anyone even gave a damn.

I did what I never wanted to do again. I cut, I felt a bit better and reconsidered trying to kill myself. I was sure I was going to be okay. That is until I sat down, and the war inside me continued until I couldn’t handle it, no one would really care if I died, they had ignored my cries for help.

I had a headache so I took one Tylenol which turned into the whole bottle and then all of the Advil, I finally gave up on life. I sat there in my bathroom waiting for death. I could she the light shining through my window.

“Rollins have you heard from Carisi today?” Liv questioned.

“No, why?”

“I can’t get a hold of him, I’m kinda worried. Maybe you and Fin could check his apartment she if he’s okay?”
“Yeah, sure no problem.”

***

Rollins and Fin had made it to Sonny’s apartment, the door was locked, and there was no answer. They had to bust open the door, they went throughout the small apartment, checking if everything was alright. Rollins found the letter. At the same time, Fin discovered Sonny’s body, covered in blood and puke.

“Rollins call a bus, stat!”

Rollins called a bus, then she bent down to check if he still had a pulse. He had a faint pulse, and very shallow far apart breathes.

“Fin I found this, I think it’s a suicide note.”

***

Sonny didn’t die immediately, he was in the ICU for a week. And spent another week in a coma. There had been many visitors because although he was stable, it didn’t mean he was going to live, he had extreme liver and kidney damage and would need a transplant. Which he would not get. When he woke up Rafael was there, and Sonny smiled for the first time in a while, a real smile. The happiness he felt was short lived though, because he noticed Liv was there. And the pain that caused this whole mess returned because Sonny thought that Rafael was probably only there because of Liv. Sonny was wrong though, Liv was there because Rafael insisted they visit Sonny, at one point Liv went to get some coffee that’s when they talked. “Why did you do it?” Sonny looked away from Rafael, because how could he answer that. “Sonny, why did you want to die?”

“It doesn’t matter it was a dumb reason.”

“If it was enough to make you want to die, it isn’t unimportant. I’m sorry you made to that point.”

“I didn’t want to be alone anymore.”

“I’m sorry you felt alone, but why’d you feel alone?”

“Because I loved someone more than anything, and I’m pretty sure they hated me.” Sonny had problems speaking.

“Well whoever that person is, they must be a complete Ninny to hate you, hating you would be like kicking a puppy.” Sonny thought Rafael hated him, But It seemed that he actually liked him.

Tears started running down Sonny’s face.

“Are you okay, sorry did I say something wrong.”

“I don’t want to die.”

Sonny felt a hand hold onto his.

***

After that Rafael visitevery dayday, maybe it wasn’t romantic and maybe it never could have been but It was more than enough for Sonny. He was happy. When Dominick “Sonny” Carisi Jr. passed away Rafael was holding his hand, Sonny died happy by the side of the man he loved, and in the end isn’t that all anyone wants? To not die alone?

Chapter Text

Hate the way you look at me, like you can tell so much about my life , My life.

 

Sonny hated the way people looked at him because he seemed weird, over eager, different; Sonny doesn’t know exactly, but people still seem to think they know everything about him.

………………………………………………………………………….

Assassinate so carelessly

So assured how sweet you twist the knife

 

And the only person that Sonny cares about what they have to say seems to hate him. The words as sharp as a knife piercing through his skin. If only Barba knew how careless he was being.

……………………………………………………………………………

Don't you know I'm just a lot like you

I need all the Godly things that you do

 

Does Barba not know Sonny is a lot like him. He needs all the things that the other needs like love, compassion; Just not to be lonely.

 

………………………………………………………………………………..

When you're alone, at night, do you run and hide?

Are you strong, inside, are you full of pride?

Or just petrified

 

When there alone at night, do they hide run away from who they are? Sonny does. Sonny is not strong inside and neither is Rafael. Sonny is not full of pride, Rafael is scared to be proud, they’re both just petrified.

………………………………………………………………………………….

 

Hate the way you look at me

But I can see the terror in your eyes

Your eyes

 

Sonny still hates the way Rafael looks at him, but lately, Sonny has noticed something in Rafael’s eyes; terror

…………………………………………………………………………………..

You pull the trigger

Your smile is sweet

But I don't care if we never meet

That's fine

It's alright

 

Rafael still says things that hurt Sonny, Rafael’s smile so sweet. Sonny doesn’t care if they will ever be something. He understands; that’s fine, it’s alright.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Don't you know I'm just a lot like you

I need all the Godly things that you do

When you're alone, at night, do you run and hide?

Are you strong, inside, are you full of pride?

Or just petrified

 

Does Sonny know that Barba does know he’s a lot like him? That he needs the same things; wants the same things, but when he’s alone at night he runs and hides from how he feels. He looks strong but is weak inside. He wants to be proud, but he’s just petrified inside.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

When you're alone, at night, do you run and hide?

Are you strong, inside, are you full of pride?

Or just petrified

 

Sonny tries to run and hide from how he feels, he used to be strong, until he was told he was wrong that he was sick, and to stop thinking that way. He wishes he could be proud, but now he’s just petrified.

…………………………………………………………………………………

Take a look at your life

Take a look in my eyes

 

Rafael wanted him to know to take a look at his life and understand why; to look into his eyes and notice.

…………………………………………………………………………………

Take a look at your life

Take a look in my eyes

 

Sonny wanted Rafael to take a look at his life and understand how he felt inside, to look into his eyes and realise that he’s just petrified.

………………………………………………………………………………..

Take a look at your life

Are you petrified...

 

They realised they were petrified when they looked at their lives. Sonny still couldn’t find the courage, but Rafael found it. "Detective, would you like to go to dinner with me?”