His chest was rising and falling, and his heart beat was steady, that's how I knew he was asleep.
This past week had been hard, one of the most messed up case's SVU had ever handled and it was almost impossible to get a conviction.
But thank God the jury weren't idiots.
Sonny had almost been killed.
He laid there in that hospital bed, I remember the call I got from Liv.
"Benson, what's going on."
"We got the perp. Can you Come down to the station see if he will take a plea? "
"Okay, I'm on my way."
"Before I forget, we have a new charge.." I cut her off
"What is it."
"Attempted murder, possibly murder depending."
"Depending on what?" I questioned
"Depending on if Carisi pulls through, he's still in surgery."
I felt slightly dizzy when I heard that.
"Oh God," I whispered and really hoped Benson didn't notice.
"What did you say?" She questioned
"Nothing I'll be there soon." I hung up and started walking faster.
I wanted to see Sonny I mean Carisi, but only family was allowed to see him and some close friends, after his surgery, he had been shot ten at times and hit twice.
I cared about Carisi, hell I Rafael Barba loved Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. I had attempted to deny how I felt but it never worked, but the man was straight I knew he could never feel the same but that was fine, just seeing that dimpled smile was enough, to hear him ramble on about anything really was plenty, him always having something to say back when I would say some rude comment.
People think I say those things because I don't like him, but it's the opposite I am just like a little boy pulling a girl's pigtails.
To be one hundred percent honest Sonny had saved me from a very dark place and Sonny didn't even know.
That I didn't want to live but at the same time I didn't want to die, it was my own personal purgatory, I had always been alone, criticised and hated myself, everything about myself.
But when Sonny would search for my approval, started dressing better(because of me), asked for help with studying, forced me to go to dinner with him because according to him "if it wasn't for me he would never have passed the bar" the huge smile growing on his face as I said he would have passed no matter what, when Sonny would shadow on a case, I would pretend he annoyed but really it was always the highlight of my week.
When I lost my Abuelita it was the worst time of my life.
After that, I dreamt of death because "the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" to quote tears for fears- Mad World.
She was the one person who excepted I was gay. It wasn't a complete secret that I was gay but the only people who knew was my Abuelita, my mother and my old "boyfriends" if you can call them that, I had never been in a real relationship because no one ever cared enough about me.
'I am a hopeless romantic.' well, the hopeless part; who everyone thinks is a cold hearted ass hole, who is selfish and doesn't care.
But that isn't me.
And Sonny saw that that is why I fell in love with him.
The one person who cared enough to ask if I was okay after a hard case, say that he had never met an ADA who cared so much about the victims.
That is why I worked seventy-two hours straight to get the man who shot Sonny- I mean Carisi convicted as soon as possible.
I wanted to see Sonny, but once he was out of intensive care, his family was constantly there, and if not his family, Rollins would be there, sometimes Liv would be there. He was never alone, they didn't want him to wake up all alone; I guess waking up to me would be as bad.
It was getting late when they finished up with the case. "Well, I have to go take the night shift," Liv stated, I gave her a questioning look, she started to explain. "You know watch Carisi, his family doesn't want him to wake up alone and disoriented and neither do I."
"What about Noah?" I asked.
"Well lucy's there"
"Liv you haven't got to see Noah all week... I can keep an eye on Carisi."
"Are you sure?"
Liv looked apprehensive. "You know what that would be great I'll head down there with you, though, and if he wakes up no rude comments."
We headed down to the hospital.
And that leads back to the present, where the most beautiful human ever was peacefully sleeping, but after awhile I noticed that he would shake and his face would portray a look of pure terror, I knew he was having nightmares.
I hated seeing him like this, but that meant he was going to wake up, or at least hopefully means that I held his hand and rubbed small circles on the back of his hand so that he would know someone was there. That he was safe.
Once Sonny settled and breathing was steady I started to sing to him "the other night dear as I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms, But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken so I hung my head and cried." There was a tear running down my face well I sang " Sonny, You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much I love you so please don't take my sunshine away."
He was my only sunshine he made me happy when my skies were grey, he washed away my darkness.
"I'll always love you and make you happy if you will only say the same. But if you leave me and love another..."
I stopped there because the next line doesn't really pertain because he won't regret it someday so I changed the lyric "That will be okay, I will still feel the same, I know you'll never be able to love me, but that's okay."
I started to sing the proper lyrics again
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
I shed another tear because Sonny wasn't out of the clear he has been in a coma for three days.(The Doctors said he may not wake up) But I continued singing. But I skip two lyrics because he had never said he loved me and I don't care he never will, I'll still feel the same.
"But now you left me and loved another; you have shattered all of my dreams..... You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
I was crying but still, I continued singing to a man who I knew would never love me the way I loved him, I remember my Abuelita singing to me at night when I would have nightmares, it always made me feel safer.
"In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me when I awake my poor heart pains. So when you come back and make me happy I'll forgive you, dear, I'll take the blame."
I wish Sonny would love me, but it isn't his fault not only being straight but that I am truly unloveable, but I'll still feel the same.
"You are my sunshine,m y only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you so please don't take my sunshine away.."
That is when I noticed that the heart monitor was showing that Sonny's heart beat was fast, then his eyes fluttered open revealing beautiful blue eyes.
But then I realised he had probably heard me sing, and I was still holding his hand, crap I knew what would happen next I would probably be told to go away, that I was creepy.
Then Sonny spoke "Counsellah", he said in said in a very thick Staten Island accent. And had an apprehensive look on his face. Great now 'my only sunshine' would hate my guts, why did I have to be so damn creepy.
did you really think this is over I can't leave Barba all sad, I hate sad endings and without further ado
We had finally found the perp, but everything happens in a blur and I heard ten shots, I moved my hand and touched my stomach, I brought my hand back up, It was soaked in blood.
I hadn't wakened up yet, and I didn't know what was really happening, but I was always aware of someone being there, soft crying, conversations, I know my parents and sisters had all been there at one point, so had Fin, Rollins and Benson, but the person I wished would be here never showed the one person I love, but maybe they have, maybe I am not as aware as I thought I was. Maybe just maybe he did show up.
I was still pretty out of it.
I could feel the bullets going through my skin. And my intense fear I was shaking. Somebody held my hand I didn't know who but I felt safe.
Then I heard singing that was absolutely amazing, and I was finally waking up but kept my eyes closed whomever it was, was singing you are my sunshine, but at one point changed a lyric but what was sad was "I know you'll never be able to love me but that's okay."
The person singing loved me. Once he was nearing the end of the song I realised it was the one and only Rafael Barba, my heartbeat sped up.
What the hell was happening? Why was Barba here?"
I was trying not to panic, the man I had a crush on had basically said he loved me, I opened my eyes, it was very dim lighting in the room, but yet the light burned my eyes, after a couple of seconds I could see his green eyes shining and his face looked like it had relief but then his face looked almost scared. "Counsellah" dang it I can't even speak properly.
I felt Barba try and take away his hand. I held on and didn't let him, he looked as if he was a deer caught in the headlights.
"Did you mean it?"
"Mean what?" He replied
"You love me."
He was blushing now face as red as a tomato. I could tell he was at a lost for words. I left him speechless.
Wow what a good feeling, I made Barba speechless, the man who always had something to say.
So I did what I'm best at; Quoting movies.
"Admit it You think I'm gorgeous... You want to kiss me... You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to smooch me... You want to hug me."
Now I was blushing.
"Detective, did you really just quote miss congeniality to me."
And in that very morealisedI needed Barba. He was the perfect man extremely handsome, the smartest person ever, and has seen miss congeniality, of course, that being extremely important.
There were tears in his eyes. "Call me Sonny."
"Sonny...." He trailed off, he looked nervous "You still haven't given me a straight answer, Rafael."
I knew he wanted to say something but was scared to voice it.
"I can leave if you want me too."
"Woah there Counsellah, you can't just leave me alone... I 'm hopped up on pain meds."
"Come on Counsellah, under the influence words, are just sober thoughts." I winked, but I knew I wanted for Barba to love me. I loved him, and then I realised he probably thought I was as straight as a plank. When really I am about as straight as a slinky, in other words, I am gay. I didn't realise I was gay until I met Barba, I knew I didn't really like "like" girls but when I met him, I knew.
"Rafael, you know I'm straight right."
He started to look panicked and tried to let go of my hand again.
"About as straight as a slinky." He had so much relief on his face.
"Counsellah, how bout you, are you as straight as a slinky too." He shook his head 'yes' slowly. "Because if you are, would you like to go out for dinner with me." He smiled. "And if you ain't interested, still will you go to dinner."
"I would love that Sonny."
"Good, Can you sing again?... You have the voice of an angel."
Fin tutuola is amazing
I mean Finished