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Big Gun Syndrome

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Jensen was observant, ok? He was extremely observant; he observed the shit out of things that caught his attention so there was no way that he could have missed their new sniper's choice in weaponry. He'd also observed that the man looked really good in a pair of jeans because that ass was like the ninth wonder of the world. He kept that to himself since he was pretty sure that Alvarez could and would gut him like a fish. Plus, Jensen was an apex predator, he liked to know his prey before he pounced or belly flopped onto them…that way he wouldn't hurt his pride half as much as he would normally.

That didn't mean that he didn't talk about it with other people, namely his sister because their parents were the spawns of Satan and Jensen wasn't about to put up with their teasing.

"Jazzy, he's fucking hot and he likes big guns!" Jensen squawked as he flung himself onto his sister.

Jasmine held up under his weight because she was a badass and secretly a ninja. She continued to hold up until she closed the door then she dumped his ass onto the floor before stepping over him.

"How many times have I told you to stop starting conversations when I'm not around and still expect me to understand a word you're saying? And stop cursing in the damn house I don't need Beth picking up any of that."

Jensen hauled himself up off the floor and he rubbed at his sore ass. He liked the way that Jasmine pretended that all the things Beth said weren't because of her, considering that she swore like a drunken sailor who’d recently been kneed in the nuts.

"Why're you such a horrible person, Jasmine Jensen, can't you see I'm suffering here?" Jensen demanded as he flopped onto the sofa. Jasmine rolled her eyes, flipping her long braid over her shoulder before dropping down beside him. When she reached out to ruffle what was left of his hair Jensen glared at her because he could have had locks. He’d have had the most luscious locks ever seen if he hadn't been constantly shaving off his hair, hell it'd be down to his shoulders and then he could show her.

"The only part of you that's suffering is your boner and you know better than to try and screw your teammates….look at what happened to mom and dad," Jasmine commented and Jensen wrinkled his nose as he dropped his head into her lap.

"Dude, it wouldn't be like that. All I want to do is have really mean, 'we made it out alive' sex. None of that flowery bullshit that mom and dad do plus I've already told you that I was delivered by a stork so don't even think about saying shit about their sex lives!" he warned and Jasmine snickered like the evil devil thing that she was.

"Ok, tell me about this guy," she prompted and Jensen smirked because his sister was awesome and she couldn't resist the call of gossip for her life. Not that he'd have to be talking to her in the first place if it hadn't been for fucking Alvarez and his obsession with big guns. Freud was probably laughing his ass off right now.

*O*

Two hours later Jensen was more traumatised than he’d been that time when his mom tried to give him the birds and bees talk and Jazzy was curled up on the floor laughing.

“I hate you so much,” he muttered when his sister glanced up at him only to start howling again. “Also you sound like a hyena and have I mentioned that I hate you because I do….a lot.”

Jasmine waved him off with one hand while she clung to his legs in an effort to pull herself up onto the sofa. “Ho-how many times did you try to talk to him?” she spluttered and Jensen seriously considered smothering her with one of the sofa cushions.

“If you’re not going to be helpful, I’m going to visit the people who cursed this world with your existence,” Jensen threatened and Jazzy exhaled long and loud as she wiped the tears from her face.

“Ok, ok,” she breathed. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me how to woo the shit out of my hot teammate. I’m pretty sure I said that somewhere between explaining that my dick is about to commit mutiny and your imitation of Scar’s furry little friends.”

Jasmine snorted but at least she wasn’t laughing again. “Why don’t you buy him something…..” she trailed off and took two deep breathes to smother her laughter while Jensen glared at her. Seriously, his relationship with his sister was ninety percent torment and ten percent provocation. “Buy him something big, that way you could…..”

“Wait!” Jensen shot up off the sofa displacing Jasmine and he paused to stick his tongue out when she yelped. “I know what I’m getting him,” he declared before racing for the door, pausing he glanced back at Jasmine. “I will be back!”

“If Franklin calls me I’m telling him you forgot to take your meds!” Jasmine threatened but Jensen just shot her the bird as he slammed the door in his wake.

*O*

Jasmine stared at the monstrosity on her coffee table. “Jake that’s….”

“I know,” Jensen grinned.

“You got him a…..”

“It’s freaking awesome!” Jensen cut in, wincing when Jasmine slapped him upside the head.

“Where the hell did you find a chocolate rifle?!” she demanded and Jensen shrugged as he leaned away from her because Jazzy was bat shit crazy on her good days and the way that she was eyeing the chocolate made Jensen fear for his life.

“This little shop downtown, the guy was a bit confused when I told him what I wanted, but voila,” he smirked, mentally rubbing his hands together because Alvarez wasn’t going to know what had hit him.

“Well it’s big, I’ll give you that much,” Jazzy conceded as she squinted at the chocolate. “Not exactly bigger than him unless he’s tiny but big enough to catch his attent…..”Jazzy frowned and Jensen knew that she’d seen his addition. “Jake, why the fuck does that chocolate say ‘lick me’?”

*O*

Jensen was stealthy like a ninja but right now he didn’t need stealth because he happened to know that his teammate had a sweet tooth a mile wide.

Carlos glanced up at him when Jensen placed the gift wrapped candy in his lap.

“Que?” the sniper inquired, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“I just picked you up a little something,” Jensen responded as he tried not to twitch under Carlos’ narrow eyed look. Finally the sniper seemed assured that Jensen wasn’t trying to poison him and he picked up the candy, turning it over in his hands. Jensen could see the moment that Cougar realized that there was something sweet under the wrapping.

The sniper’s nostrils flared and suddenly all his attention was fixed on the thing in his hands.

The foil that covered the chocolate didn’t stand a chance.

Jensen watched in confusion while Cougar ran a finger over the barrel of the chocolate rifle and then Jensen didn’t have enough brain cells to be confused because Carlos had just licked the barrel of the chocolate gun.

Jensen’s dick was in visual heaven and the rest of him joined a second later when Alvarez hummed under his breath and ran his tongue from the upper receiver to the barrel.

Jensen must have made a sound because Carlos’ eyes snapped to him and the blond tensed because he still had no clue what way Carlos’ sexuality swung, hell he didn’t even know if it was on a swinger!

Instead of the embarrassment or anger that he’d expected Carlos just smirked at him, his tongue flickering out to capture a tiny speck of chocolate that had been clinging to his lips.

Jensen opened his mouth to say something…anything that would make him look less like a creeper but his brain was currently in La La land and he was left gaping like a fish.

“You did not have to buy this, but gracias,” Cougar murmured and Jensen nodded because that was all he could do at this point, nod and pray that Cougar didn’t say anything about his boner.

It took him about three tries to shuffle out of the base, mainly because of his dick, but Jensen was grinning for the rest of the day because phase one of operation ‘Get Carlos’ was officially a success.

Now all he had to do was figure out what the hell stage two was going to be.