Chapter 1: Prologue (I'm So Fucking High That I Think That I Can See God)
Gerard was having a nightmare. He was hanging off a cliff, leading into a bottomless pit of fire. Standing over him was his worst enemy. The lemon. The lemon suddenly squirted into his face and threw him into the pit below.
Gerard woke with a start. Panting (lol) , he rubbed his face and tried not to act like he had been terrified and slightly turned on at the thought of the lemon spraying him.
“Fuck” He sighed. “What is it with me and lemons?”
“Fuck me if I know” Shouted Mikey from the room across from Gerard’s. “Maybe it’s because an obscure fanfiction was released a few years ago which talked about you getting a fucking enema with lemon juice”
“That is true” Mused Gerard.
Pushing out of his bed, Gerard padded over to his closet (which he surprisingly wasn’t still in) and shoved a somewhat clean shirt over his head. After a few minutes (and half a dozen cups of coffee) Gerard and Mikey started to walk to school.
Ryan was kneeling in the bathtub. Why on earth did he have to clean it for his Dad at the asscrack of dawn?
“Ah” He moaned. “It’s so hard” (Forgive me holy father for I have sinned) .
After wiping out the bathtub with a milky (I want to fucking die) white spray, he hustled to get all of his shit together before he had to get on the bus leading to hell.
If there was anything Brendon Urie hated, it was following rules. That and straight people, but it was mostly just following rules.
“But why do I have to go to school?” Whined Brendon.
“Because it’s literally the first fucking day of school Brendon wtf” His mother calmly replied, casually shuffling her newspaper at the kitchen table.
“Fine” He snapped. “At least then I can sell weed to ninth graders” And with that, Brendon stomped out of the kitchen before slamming the door behind him.
Pete was sprawled on the school’s football field, cigarette dangling from his mouth and angry heavy metal music blasting from his phone as he flipped his jet black bangs out of his heavily eyelined eyes.
“No one understands me” He whined. “My life is so hard. I’m so depressed. I only ever cry and watch porn. If only there was a misunderstood blond haired, green eyed, around 5’3, secretly kinky gay male who could fall in love with me and then suddenly make my depression miraculously disappear”.
Just as the emo fuck said that, a boy rushed past the field. He looked exactly as Pete described!
“Aw yiss” Pete cackled. “I will scope that ass. There will be dick for me tonight” And with that, Pete slithered like a snake across the field, in hot pursuit in dare I say the only actually normal character in this entire fucking fanfiction.
Tyler had a secret: He was secretly a K Pop stan. Every day he woke up and kissed all the lips on the 3480 K Pop posters he had on the walls in his room before getting ready for school. This generally took him three hours, so he usually woke up at five a.m every morning to fulfil the task.
“Oh my babies” Gushed Tyler. “I am unable of creating actual human relationships with others, so I fantasize of celebrities being in love with me”.
Sighing, Tyler changed into a short skirt and a crop top, because he was a fucking twink, before skipping happily out to his car.
I’m going to regret this lmao.
Chapter 2: This Is The Part Where The Sexual Tension Begins, Right?
people are actually reading this oH MY GOD
All the gays merrily crawled into the High School, Ben Dover High School (I’m so sorry) . Gerard skipped happily through the halls, short skirt showing his flaccid dick and all. Beside him, Mikey stomped next to him, a monster energy drink in his hand and a scowl on his face.
“What is wrong, my ugly fucking brother?” Chirped Gerard like a fucking eight year old girl.
“Because I am at school, and I fucking hate school” Mikey calmly replied as he splashed the entire energy drink into an innocent ninth grader’s face. Sighing, Gerard and Mikey pranced to class, where they could study and watch porn in the back in peace.
Pete was in hot pursuit. He slithered like the cryptid he was across the high school floor, sniffing out the innocent virgin. Finally, he found him.
“Hey lil mama” Pete growled into the boy’s ear. “Lemme smash, you hot little apple fritter” (god is dead).
“Baka!” The boy screeched.
“My little peach coloured dildo” Pete moaned as he began to rub his dick into the boy’s butt. “What’s your name, you sexy little snack?”.
“Patrick chan” Patrick gushed.
“Let’s go find a janitor’s closet, cunt” Pete whispered into Patrick’s ear (please forgive me patrick) as they slid over to find a closet to smash in.
Ryan was sad. He wanted dick, but like, a GOOD dick. All of the boys at the high school had very smol dicks, trust him, he had seen most of them when he gave his complimentary friday blowjobs to every single senior boy in the high school. Suddenly, Ryan saw a boy strut down the hallway, only he had never seen this boy’s dick! The boy must be a junior! And by what he could see, that junior wasn’t much of a junior ;) (my mom’s going to come across this and she’s going to start crying).
“Holy shit!” Ryan screamed. “Peen!!!!!!” .
The boy heard him and a terrified look grew on his face.
“Oh shit” The boy muttered. “Why the fuck must I be addicted to viagra” As he turned around and began to run away from the slutty gremlin senior.
Ashley was rolling joints on her desk in science class, feet propped up on another student’s head.
“Um, Ashley, you can’t do that” The teacher sighed.
“Fuck you old man, you’re robbing my artistic expression of free will in a disturbed America” She snarled as she blew a gust of smoke into the teacher’s face. “And it isn’t Ashley, it’s Sparkle Dark Moonlight Daydreamer Bad Bitch 2000”
“Fuck, then at least go and do it with the other freaks in the back” The teacher replied.
“Okey dokey” Sparkle Dark Moonlight Daydreamer Bad Bitch 2000 purred as she slinked to the back of the classroom. In the back, a girl was wearing a diaper and trying to give head to a cabbage patch doll.
“Oh, so she’s kinky” Sparkle Dark Moonlight Daydreamer Bad Bitch 2000 smiled. “Well, I can do kinky all right”
Suddenly, she paused.
“Wait, who the fuck are these other people??!” .
Chapter 3: WHY ARE PEOPLE READING THIS
My god, I have created a monster.
Also, THIS IS A CRACK FIC. NOT LIKE MY IMMORTAL. I SEARCHED UP MY IMMORTAL AND I HAD TO BLEACH MY EYES.
My god please don’t let my crush find out about this.
The gays sat in a circle, completely disregarding that they were, in fact, in a classroom and were supposed to be learning. Melanie, Tyler, Frank, Gerard, and Mikey all sat around and were currently debating on whether or not the moon landing was faked.
‘Aw yiss’ Thought Sparkle Dark Moonlight Daydreamer Bad Bitch 2000. ‘I have found my people’ .
Ashley sat down in the group and all eyes went to her.
“Hi” She blushed.
“Bitch, does is you gay?” Gerard screeched.
“Okay, then you can stay” Gerard went back to staring at Frank's crotch while Frank tapped away on his phone.
“Oh shit, what is your name, fellow homosexual” Asked Mikey.
“Ashley, but I like to be called by my hipster name, Sparkle Dark Moonlight Daydreamer Bad Bitch 2000”.
“Yikes” muttered Frank (A sassy little Italian twink).
“ANYWAYS,” Said Gerard. “You hang out with US now. This school is fucked up, and too full of straights. Stay with us, and nothing fucked up will happen to you”.
“Fucked up? Asked Sparkle Ashley. “Like wha-”
“AHHHHHHHHH” Screeched a boy from the hallway. “HE WANTS ME DICK, HELP ME ESCAPE THE GREMLIN SLUT” The boy could then be heard running down the hallway, screaming bloody murder.
“Like that” Gerard said cheerfully.
Brendon was running. Behind him, the gremlin chased after Brendon, hands out stretched in a grabby motion.
‘Oh fuck’ Thought Brendon. ‘ I gotta hide’ .
Brendon raced around a corner and quickly ducked into a janitor’s closet. The gremlin ran past.
“Oh thank god” Sighed Brendon. Suddenly, Brendon heard a moan. “Wait, wtf”.
Brendon quickly flipped on the closet’s light switch and gasped. A blond cunt was currently being milked by an emo fuck, clothes off with a broomstick shoved up his ass.
“Baka!” Screeched the blond. “Get him, daddy!”
'Fuck' thought Brendon. Brendon darted out of the closet, only to bump into the gremlin slut.
“There you are” Purred Ryan, as he delicately sized up Brendon. “I think we have some work to do, yes?”
And with that, Brendon was tugged off to the boy’s washroom, where he was about to get a whack ton of dick up his ass.
Gerard was staring at Frank, one of the new kids at the school.
‘Fuck’ Thought Gerard. ‘If only I could impress him’ .
“Oh, hey, Frank? Mikey and I are having a huge ass party on Friday, where we’ll pretend that we’re like normal teenagers and not hypersexual satanists”
“Wait, what?” Squeaked Frank.
“We’re having a party? But Gee-”
“YES, we are having a party this Friday. It’s a BYOD. Bring Your Own Dildo”
“Oh, uh, yeah, I’ll definetly come” (adhghrhehfhehdjghehghehgh) .
“Great!” Squealed Gerard. Finally, he might get dick after all.
Chapter 4: i'm late and also pretty fucking gay
i'm late YEET
have some more memes my children
god please don't let my crush find out about this
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
All of the gays heard about the party. Whether by invite or just sheer spite, the entire population of emo fucks made it to the party. Loud, angry metal played in the background and people were giving massages on the couch (ewewewewew).
"Grank!" Shouted Gerard, who was fucking pissed out of his mind. "You made it!!!!!"
"It's Frank" Frank sighed. "But yeah, I made it. I also brought some friends. This is Tyler, Josh, Pete, Patrick, Ryan, and Brendon"
"ASHHSJDGDHJEKDKDK" The group screeched.
"Awesome!" Gerard cheered. "More people for the ritual!"
"Um, Gerard, that was supposed to be a secr-"
"SHUT UP, MIKEY"
The party raged on. Somehow, Brendon got his dick stuck in a toaster and Tyler's anime body pillow got lit on fire. But suddenly, at around twelve o' clock (y'all are going to scream at this next part) Gerard stood up.
"OKAY BITCHES" Gerard screeched. "IT'S TIME TO HEAD TO THE BASEMENT!"
"Wait, what?!" Frank asked. Yet no one answered, as everyone headed down happily to Gerard's basement. In the basement, a stone altar was set up with candles and a pentagram drawn in blood on the ground.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Frank screamed.
"It's Friday" Mikey shrugged. "Here, you can wear a spare robe".
All the gay satanists donned their special ritual robes (Brendon's had HOT BITCH scrawled across the back with rhinestone on the back of his). They then all sat criss cross apple sauce in a circle around the altar.
"Okay guys, so I'm glad that you could all make it to this Friday's meeting" Gerard began. "We have a special guest today, his name is Frank. Before we start, does anyone have to go to the bathroom?" No on answered. "Okay, then it's time to get started! This week we will be sacrificing Bob"
"Um, actually, can I got the bathroom now" Bob asked.
"NO BITCH, WE'RE SACRIFICING YOU TO THE DARK LORD NOW GET YOUR ASS UP!"
"Fuck this" Bob muttered. Mikey and Pete grabbed Bob and dragged him up to the altar. Gerard smiled and brought out a silver dagger.
"Do I have to cut your clothes off or can you co-operate?" Gerard asked sweetly. Bob just grunted and shrugged off his clothes until he was bare ass naked.
"Not my type, but nice" Gerard added. "Okay, now get him up on the altar" Bob was dragged onto the altar and his hands were tied with roped.
"Unholy Father, we give this boy to you in thanks for your power" Gerard said as he raised the dagger over his head. "Take him into your loving arms forevermore" With that, Gerard swung the knife in Bob's heart. Once he was dead, Gerard started to work. He cut off Bob's dick and heart and placed them in a bowl.
"Take this offering, daddy" Gerard murmured. "HAIL OUR DARK FATHER, BABADOOK" As Gerard through the innings into the fire.
"HAIL! HAIL!" The group shouted. "MAKE US GAY ENOUGH TO BEAT THE STRAIGHTS"
"WHAT THE F-" But Frank couldn't finish the sentence. All of the sudden, he blacked out. When he awoke, he was lying on the ground in Gerard's living room. All the others were sprawled around the room, passed out. Frank slowly got up and padded to the bathrom. In the bathroom, Brendon was calmly brushing his hair.
"Did-Did last night happen?" Frank asked groggily"
"I don't fucking know, but I want someone to explain how THIS happened" Brendon said as he stood calmly in the bathroom, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and laced up ruby red boots. He swung the tentacles around him and sighed.
"Man, Gerard's parties are fucking NUTS".
Chapter 5: Ew
I'm lazy sorry not sorry
FOLLOW MY TUMBLR I'M BURRICANE OKAY I'M AN ATTENTION SLUT
the whole ritual thing wasn't even planned. I was brainstorming ideas at work and when I thought of it I almost got in trouble because i was laughing so hard
oh I'm Jenna btw
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
It was Monday, and all the emo cunts were recovering from the party. Bob had thankfully been brought back to life the next day, after Babadook was done fucking Bob into oblivion. The group were all sitting around at lunch when Brendon skipped up to them with a new boy, his newly grown tentacles carefully hidden.
"Guys, this is the new boy, Gabe! Say hi, Gabe!"
"¿Por qué diablos creen que yo puedo hablar inglés?"
"Hi Gabe!" The group death screeched.
"Mierda gente blanca" Gabe muttered.
Gabe suddenly spotted William Beckett, a freshman across the cafeteria.
"Oh mierda que haya alguna buena virgen" Gabe murmured. "Hey coño! Pon tu culo aquí sexy!"
"Oh he's so dreamy" William murmured. "Ah yes daddy, raw my ass with your Spanish sausage".
"Vamos a joder, perra" Gabe growled as he dragged William away.
"Well, he seemed nice" Patrick chirped.
School went on as usual. Tyler skipped happily through the hallways, anime pillow slung next to him. From behind, a yellow haired, edgy ass goth cunt stared at Tyler.
"God, he is so hot" The boy sighed (hmm, I wonder who he is) "If only I could get him to love me as much as he loves that stupid fucking anime pillow".
Frank was trailing after Gerard, carrying all fifty of his textbooks.
"Thanks for carrying my books, Frank" Gerard smiled.
babe Gerard!" Frank laughed nervously.
"So, Frankie, do you wanna go and get coffee after?" Gerard asked.
"OF COURSE" Frank screamed. Gerard jumped. "I-I mean, of course! I would love to!"
"Great! We can plan next month's meeting!"
Brendon was holding Ryan's hand, trying desperately not to have his tentacles swing out.
"Babe, you don't have to hide them" Ryan chided. "The world loves you for who you are, so don't be afraid to be that"
"Really?" Brendon asked.
"Of course" Ryan murmured.
"Okay, well here goes nothing" And with that, Brendon unleashed his ruby red tentacles which swung wildly behind him.
"MONSTER!" Students shrieked.
"Shit" Brendon muttered, as he was hauled to the Principal's office.
Pete sat on the football field with Patrick, scribbling his awful lyrics into his notebook.
"Oh babe, you're such a good songwriter" Patrick swooned. "One day, we'll have a hugely successful emo band and our songs will be played on mainstream stations for shits and giggles"
"One can only hope, babe. One can only hope".
my neck, my back, lick my pussy AND my crack
Chapter 6: SORRY
I'll update this soon, my summer has just been SUPER busy
Chapter 7: Bust A Nut For Jesus, Y'all
This fic is just my bane of exsistence now
I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL BUT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND BUT SHE FLIRTS WITH ME H E L P
every time I work another shift at Mc Donald's, a little piece of my soul dies
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Pete was racing through the halls of the High School.
"HERE YE, HERE YE YOU FUCKING STRAIGHT ASS CUCUMBERS" He screeched. "THERE IS GOING TO BE A HOMECOMING DANCE THIS FRIDAY AND IF ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WEAR THE SAME SUIT AS ME THEN PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR ASS WHOOPED IN THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT AT THREE A.M" With that he slithered off to Patrick and that b00ty (I used to have dreams, you know)
Gerard was crying in the boys washroom. Cheap ass mascara streamed down his face.
"Gerard, what did you fucking think dissecting frogs would entail" Mikey sighed.
"NOT THAT!" He howled. "MY BROTHERS, TORN APART BY THE ENEMY! MY PEPES!! MY BOIIIIIISSSS!!!!!" Just then, Gabriel walked into the bathroom.
"¿Por qué mi madre no me abortó" He sighed as he turned around and left the sobbing and annoyed emo.
All of the gays were sitting at lunch. They were talking casually and trading the various human body parts that they brought for lunch, as usual (what am I even fucking on) When four boys walked up to them.
"Hi!" Said the shaggy haired leader. "My name's Alex!"
"My name's Rian!"
"I was abandoned by aliens as a baby!"
"Can we hang out with you, pretty please?" Alex batted his eyelashes seductively like the fucking whore we all knew he was.
"Um, I don't know" Tyler trailed off. "Pretty please! We can serve as satisfactory background characters in this fucked up crack fic!" Alex chirped.
"Okay, okay, I guess you can hang with us" Tyler sighed. The boys all squished into the immensely packed table.
"My Mommy cheated on my Daddy and got rawed by an alien!"
".....Okay then" Tyler groaned.
Frank was nervous. He was finally going to ask his senpai out. Everything had led up to this moment. Nervously, he stomped up to Gerard in study hall.
"Gerard?" He asked.
"Will you go to Homecoming with me and make fun of the straights with me and then give me a blowjob in the back of my Mom's van?"
"OH SHIT" GERARD SCREAMED. "YES YES YES, I WILL GO WITH YOU AND PRETEND AS IF THIS WASN'T CONVENIENTLY PLANNED BY THE WRITER"
"Yay!" Frank squeaked as Gerard hugged him and started to lick his face. "I finally got a boy!"
Brendon was lighting textbooks on fire in the back parking lot. After he got his bonfire going, he turned to Ryan.
"Moon Moon?" He asked quietly. "You don't think anything bad will happen at Homecoming, do you?"
"No way, babe" Ryan reassured him. "Good" He sighed. "Now, do you want a s'more?" "Aw yiss" He moaned.
But Ryan couldn't be more wrong. A boy was planning on fucking up Homecoming and destroying the gays. CrankthatFrank was rising.
IF YOU GUYS CAN GET FRANK TO READ THIS OR SEND IT TO HIM OR I DON'T KNOW, I WILL PERSONALLY SHOVE A COPY OF THE BLACK PARADE UP MY ASS
Chapter 8: FUCK
So I haven't posted in awhile because of the shitty following
-I went to a summer camp with only one bar of data and I almost died
-MY CRUSH FOUND OUT I LIKED HER BUT SHE LIVES IN ENGLAND AND I'M FUCKED I'M FUCKED
-My friend's brother decided to speed in a rainstorm because he is a cunt and long story short he wore quite a nice highlighter at his funeral
-Jk Nik cOME HOME
-I had my ass groped by an old lady at the funeral after she gave me a hug because I was crying
-My ex is a fuckboy and is now trying to get my attention again like sorry sweaty I like GRILLS NOW
Anyways, I will be posting the epic next chapter v soon k bye
Chapter 9: FEAST, MY CHILDREN
COME AND READ SOME GAY SHIT KIDS
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
All the (yee) mos were getting ready for Prom. All of the bois were excited, especially Tyler, who bought his anime pillow a fancy dress for the big night (Josh cried when he found out that Tyler was going with his pillow. He just wanted b00ty ffs)
Gerard had picked out the hottest,skimpiest dress he could find at Target. It was an old lady dress which was purple and had 'I LOVE MY GRANDKIDS' scrawled against the front. He would, of course, be going naked underneath.
Frank showed up at Gerard's house in his Mom's van and gasped when Gerard walked out.
"Holy shit" Frank whispered in awe "He's the smexiest boi I have ever seen"
Gerard got into the van and they immediately started making out.
"Wtf is wrong with you two" Mikey sighed as he got into the back of the van. Mikey was going by himself, as he was asexual and asexuals are valid and shouldn't be made fun of.
The three drove to the school. They ran inside and found an incredibly drunk, naked Brendon trying to have sex with Ryan in the middle of the dance floor.
"THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE" Brendon screeched as his hands and tentacles started to rip Brendon's clothes off(" (we all know he would find this sexy af)
"SECURITY!" A teacher screeched.
Brendon and Ryan were dragged away to the bathroom, and everyone was very relieved that homecoming was back to normal.
The three moved on into the dance floor, where they found all the other emos dancing it up.
"OMG HEY GERARD!" Sparkle Dark Moonlight Daydream Bbad Bitch 2000 screamed into Gerard's face. "I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THAT I'M GOING TO WIN HOMECOMING QUEEN INSTEAD OF YOU!'
Gerard bent back and put his hand up with the vigour of a fifty year old women who had seen it all.
"EXCUSE ME, BIATCH?!" Gerard scoffed. "WAIT TILL I WIPE THE FLOOR WITH YOUR NASTY ASS HIGHLIGHTS WHEN I WIN THAT CROWN CUNT"
So the two were at war. Everyone waited anxiously for the homecoming rulers to be announced. Finally, the time came.
"ALRIGHT EVERYONE, THE TIME HAS COME! THIS YEAR'S HOMECOMING QUEEN IS-"
Just then, all the power shut off.
"RUN YOU STRAIGHTS, BEFORE I FUCK YOU ALL UP THE ASS WITH MY BLINDS!" A voice screamed from the void.
People ran around in panic. Brendon, who was still naked, ran headfirst into the punch table and sent punch flying everywhere. Ryan had to climb over the table and drag Brendon away.
"Babe, we have to do something!" Gerard whispered. "Mikey, Frank, Pete, Patrick, Josh and Tyler follow me!"
The seven horny emos ventured into the back of the stage, where they found a blue haired cunt laughing like a maniac.
"MWA HA HA!" He screamed "I AM CRANKTHATFRANK AND THE CROWN IS M I N E!"
"OH HELL NO!" The emos gasped. They all ran at blue Frank, but blue Frank blasted them away with the powers of Youtube clickbait.
"GERARD, HE'S TOO POWERFUL" Frank cried.
"WE'RE DOOMED" The emos sobbed.
But, from the wreckage, a meek little boy wearing a black skirt, a jean jacket and pumps stood up.
"Excuse me?" He called out. "Could you please leave?"
The boy then shot out red and black beams of magic and hit blue Frank with them.
"NOOOOO!" Blue Frank cried. "I AM DEFEATED!" Frank was disintegrated and everything went quiet.
The boy wiped his hands off and curtsied.
"Don't mess with Blurryface, bitch" Tyler smiled. He then skipped over to where Josh was standing open mouthed and smashed his lips into the boi.
"Well, it looks like prom went great!" Pete laughed as he hugged Patrick.
"Yeah, but who wins the Homecoming crowns?" Patrick asked.
"I know exactly who deserves them" he took the crowns and placed them on Tyler and Josh's head.
The emos smiled and all squished into Frank's mom's van. It was time for a friendship fuelled sleepover.
I'm late sorry
I had to do a project and English where we had to interview our grandparents and I was like??? Sorry, Grandpa Mc Alcoholic died and Grandma's locked in an old folks home my hands are tied
WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO LOVE THAT CUNT I KNOW THAT WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES BUT I LOVE HER MORE I'VE BEEN HELPING HER THROUGH HER PROBLEMS AND HE'S BEEN SITTING THERE SCRATCHING HIS ASS I'M
I bought a ouija board and my mom almost killed me