You weren't taught this in school, and it definatly isn't something you could learn in a book. No, this was something that you could only learn from experience, by feeling it, knowing it first hand.
Having someone re-cap a story to you just doesn't cut it, watching the movies doesn't tell you much of what to expect.
You may think you're ready, convince yourself so much so that when you're faced with it, you're not afraid. But when you experience it, oh, now that's something you could never truly prepare yourself for. No matter how much you delude yourself into thinking otherwise.
What they don't tell you is that the pain is absolutly excruciating. That all you can focus on is the agony, that your eyes start to see the world moving and spinning out of your control, and that you really don't feel the wet stickiness of your own blood pooling around you.
You don't hear the world buzzing by, and time doesn't really stop - but you think it does. These are things they refuse to tell you, and even if they did you'd never understand. Not until you are there experiencing it first hand.
You can taste the metal you know, not just feel the sharp pains, but you can taste it in your system - death. You can smell it too, but most are so focused on the hurt, on getting the burn to stop that they simply don't notice the finer details.
What the books and movies don't prepare you for, what you can never prepare yourself for, is how to die.
You won't accept it, the fact that your going to die. Never. You may just let it overcome you, but no one ever truly accepts it, even on the death bed, as I am now, you won't accept the truth. The inevitable.
Lying here on the hard wet concrete, looking up at the stars, it's amazing. You think, is that were I'm going to be heading, to become just another star in the sky?
You feel the persistent ache, yet at the same time you feel a new kind of coolness developing around you as your heart starts to slow. It is the most unique sensation in the world, dying, I'll never get over it. Nor will I get over the fact that I never really did die at all, oh I did physically, just not in the true biblical sense of it as I had been told.
I remember walking the streets in the fridged night air, feeling the steel slip through my bodice into my flesh, and then I remember a horrible and terrifying face obstructing my view of the night stars above.
They don't prepare you for any of this in boarding school, or in church, and you can't learn it from off the streets or in a book, or even by another person.
Like I said before you have to learn it first hand. In order to understand it you have to have been through it. You have to die before you truly get it.
I'm not angry about it, I love my life as it is now and wouldn't trade it for the world. Well,I love my unlife, as I should say, just to be politically correct about it - because lets face it I'm not really alive anymore. My heart stopped beating years ago.
I remember not being able to move, even if I had wanted to I couldn't have. I remember the distinct taste of iron and copper in my mouth, the flavor of my own blood as it swirled around my tounge. I could hear and feel my heart intermittently pump blood and adrenaline though my system, literally hear the gushing thumping in my veins.
It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. I knew I was going to die, I just couldn't accept it at that time. As if I had a choice in the matter.
Now here I am, nearly two hundred years old, having been saved by The Master.
Looking at my darling boy now, he has the face of an angel you know, and a name to match. I don't like pondering it long, but looking at him reminds me of the night I died. Twice actually - or almost once, and then again. Looking at him reminds me of the question I had when I looked up at the stars.
Was that were I was going, to be another star in the sky...
I'm never going to know now, now am I. But it's an interesting question none-the-less. Dru seems to know something about it, she's always going on about the stars. Maybe there's a connection, a reason that the crazy girl talks about them all the time.
Maybe that was what our destiny had in store before fate reared its ugly head in our directions and decided to play a new game with us.
Anyway, I love my unlife. I'm on top of the world, not nearly as high as the stars, but close enough. This, I think, beats being truly dead.
Then again, I could be wrong.
But I don't like to ponder it long.
Like I said, it's not something they can teach you in a book, it's something you have to learn by being there, the feeling of dying.
It's the most glorious feeling in the world.
And I'm in love with it.
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