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Dumb as Rocks

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Bilbo was not amused. He was 6 months pregnant, the normal gestation period for a hobbit, and his husband STILL didn’t believe that there was a baby inside his stomach. In fact, neither did anyone else in the company. As he waddled down the halls of Erebor, he grumbled under his breath about the stupidity and stubbornness of dwarves. This was not how he imagined his pregnancy going.

1 month pregnant.

“Thorin, I’m pregnant.” The king blinked a few times before rising from the bed.

“Right, I will just go get Oin,” he said calmly. Bilbo shrugged at the response. It was normal for Thorin to want to make sure. This was a huge change, after all.

However, it began apparent very quickly that Thorin went to get Oin for an entirely different reason when the healer started to check his head for fever and ask Bilbo how long he had been having hallucinations.

After a long (and awkward) conversation about hobbit anatomy, Bilbo was sure that he had gotten through to them when they both smiled and nodded their heads. That was until Thorin patted him on the head and said, “Of course, love. Whatever you say.”

2 months pregnant.

“Thorin, seriously, I haven’t been poisoned; it is only morning sickness! No one is out to get me, I can assure you, and no, I do not need to stay in bed, and no, I also do not need seven guards with me at all times.” Bilbo must have told Thorin this a thousand times.

It still did nothing to stop the king from sending Oin to check on Bilbo every hour as he searched all of Erebor to find the traitor that had poisoned his consort. By the time his morning sickness passed a month later, Thorin was convinced that the assassin had fled from the mountain.

3 months pregnant.

“I’m glad your stomach bug is gone, Bilbo,” Kili said sweetly one morning, and Bilbo had simply rubbed his head tiredly. He was too exhausted to deal with their stupidity at that moment.

The pregnancy was making him tired all the time, but when he told Thorin as much, his husband had simply decided that Bilbo was working too hard (even though he had no actual jobs) and told him to take the day off from his non-existent work. Frustrated, but too tired to argue, he eventually retreated to his room for a well-deserved nap.

He was rudely awakened several hours later by a crash and thirteen dwarves tumbling into his room. Their eyes were wide and worried, but relief flood their expressions when they saw the hobbit, and they ran to his side.

“What the-“ he tried to say, but he was stopped by Thorin pulling him into a huge hug.

“We thought you were dead,” the king said in a quiet, fearful voice. Bilbo was visibly taken aback by the statement.

“What, why on earth would you think that?” Fili looked at the hobbit with unshed tears shining in his eyes.

“Because you missed lunch. You’ve never done that! Even when you were poisoned.” Bilbo blinked, and he would have laughed if they didn’t seem so upset.

“I was just tired. The baby has me exhausted all the time!” His statement did nothing to reassure Fili as the blonde looked even more crushed by Bilbo’s apparent loss of sanity. The hobbit inwardly groaned.

4 months pregnant.

Bilbo had the most outrageous food cravings. One night, he insisted that he simply needed a sausage drizzled in honey or else he would die. Thorin made a disgusted face, but he indulged his husband’s wish anyway. He was becoming rather annoyed by these strange eating habits.

He figured it must be a hobbit thing, but still, it was a bit excessive. Bilbo was even starting to gain some wait from all the food he had been eating! But when Thorin had politely pointed this out and offered to work out with him, Bilbo had actually thrown something at him. Rude.

When Bilbo felt the baby kick for the first time, he excitedly grabbed Thorin’s hand and placed it on his stomach, positive that his husband would believe him when he felt their child move.

The king frowned for a moment before stating, “Bilbo, you know that I love you, but I don’t think it’s necessary for me to feel the gas in your stomach.” Bilbo maintains that he was completely justified in what followed next.

5 months pregnant.

Bilbo was excited to start setting up the nursery. He opted for neutral colors, since he didn’t have any strong feeling about which gender the baby would be. Bofur made a nice, light-weight crib so that Bilbo could move it easily, and Thorin sent for a comfy armchair to be brought to Erebor from a neighboring town. Kili and Fili even helped pick out rattles and blankets.

All in all, Bilbo was beyond ecstatic that everyone had finally accepted that he was pregnant. That was until he heard Kili say, “Hobbits sure have strange customs, don’t they?”

Fili responded by saying, “Yea, they definitely do. I’m not sure if making a nursery is supposed to be a custom for marriage or birthdays or something else entirely, but if it makes Bilbo happy, then it’s worth it.”

Bilbo felt like crying. In fact, he did just that. Everyone tried to console him as he sobbed, and when they asked him what was wrong, he practically screamed that no one believed that he was pregnant. They proceeded to try and comfort him by saying things like “oh, don’t cry, sure you’re pregnant” and “if you think you’re pregnant, then that’s all that matters.” He cried harder.

6 months pregnant.

Bilbo’s back was killing him. The dwarves unanimously decided that this was because Bilbo was gaining weight from eating too much, just as they decided that his swollen ankles were caused by his excessive salt consumption.

They then proceeded to create a diet plan for Bilbo to help him lose weight and feel better. They were more than a little dismayed when their kind offer resulted in Bilbo tearing up the scroll into a hundred pieces and knocking over every chair in the room.

It was almost time for the Winter Solstice, and the elves of Mirkwood had just arrived. Thranduil greeted Thorin coldly until his eyes stopped on Bilbo and widened in surprise.

“Well, I had not heard. Congratulations!” Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, someone who was not a complete idiot. Thorin frowned and nodded politely, trying his best to be civil.

“Yes, the wedding was some time ago, but thank you anyway.” Thranduil blinked as he raised one eyebrow and looked at Bilbo questioningly.

The hobbit merely rolled his eyes and shrugged, and Thranduil shot Thorin a disapproving look and Bilbo a sympathetic one. The Elvenking was no stranger to the idiocy of dwarves.

Labor.

As Bilbo waddled down the hall with Thorin by his side, he felt a sudden cramp in his stomach as it felt like his belly was tightening, and he gripped it as he doubled over from the intensity. Thorin wrapped his arms around Bilbo to hold him steady.

“Bilbo, what is it? Are you alright?” The panic was obvious in his voice, and Bilbo took a deep breath.

“I’m in labor. Thorin, the baby’s coming now.” Thorin pulled back slightly and blinked, studying Bilbo’s face.

“I don’t understand all these hobbit customs, Bilbo. You know that.” Bilbo huffed angrily in response.

“This is not some custom, Thorin, I am having a baby!” The rest of the company had joined them by now, looking at Bilbo with worried expressions.

Oin looked him over quickly before concluding, “I believe he is constipated. He just needs to go to the bathroom, and he will be fine.” Thorin and the others breathed a sigh of relief, and Bilbo had to inhale very deeply to keep from killing all of them.

When another cramp hit him, he hissed in pain. “Ow!” One of the elves that was visiting heard his cry and rushed to his side.

“Are you in labor?” Bilbo laughed pathetically.

“Thank Valar that someone around here is not a complete idiot. Yes, I am in labor!” He practically yelled his response, and the dwarves exchanged odd looks.

“Hmm, elves and hobbits must call it labor when they go to the bathroom. How odd,” Ori said quietly, looking rather intrigued, and the others nodded in agreement. The elf next to Bilbo looked torn between amusement and aggravation, which was precisely how Bilbo had been feeling the entire pregnancy.

He starting calling to some of the other elves to help him, and Bilbo was quickly ushered to a nearby room. As he was being pushed inside the door, he stopped resolutely.

“Oh no, they are all coming in with me! They are going to see this and finally believe what I’ve been telling them all along!” The dwarves looked incredibly uncomfortable, shifting from foot to foot and avoiding his gaze.

“Um, Bilbo mate. You know we love ya like family, but I don’t think we need to see you going to the bathroom,” Bofur said kindly. The others agreed, and Bilbo growled.

“Get. In. Here. Now. Or so help me, Valar, I will go back to the Shire.” Their eyes widened, and they all hurried inside the door.

When Bilbo was lying on the bed, much to the dwarves’ confusion and comments of “eww,” he removed his clothes and spread his legs to prepare to push. They all gaped at the sight.

“Whoa, Thorin. Has he always had a hole there?!” Fili wondered aloud in astonishment. His husband looked just as shocked as everyone else.

“I, I don’t know.” Bilbo groaned and covered his face in his hands.

“You don’t know! Are you kidding me? How many times have we had sex, and you don’t know if that hole has always been there?! Well, no, it has not! It only shows up when a hobbit is in labor, you idiots!” He screeched angrily, and the elves shot disgusted looks at the other occupants of the room as they tried to settled the agitated hobbit.

Kili furrowed his brow. “It opens up every time you have to go to the bathroom? That must be uncomfortable.” Everyone else nodded in agreement, and Bilbo prayed for the self-control to not kill them. He loved them. He really did, and he just had to hold onto that thought.

When the elf told him to start pushing, he clenched his jaw and pushed through the pain with a strained look on his face. The dwarves looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there, and a few looked on the verge of bolting from the room as they tried to avoid looking at the scene in front of them.

They managed to mostly succeed in averting their gazes until the elf said, “there’s the head.” They all looked up in surprise and confusion, and upon seeing the full head of a baby come out of Bilbo, all thirteen dwarves fainted. The other elves in the room rolled their eyes and stepped over the unconscious dwarves to get to Bilbo with more towels and water.

Immediately after labor.

When the company finally came to, they stood up to see Bilbo sitting up in the bed and holding two small bundles in his arms. He smiled at them as he positioned his arms so that the dwarves could see the faces of the two sleeping babies wrapped in the blankets.

“I told you I was pregnant!” He proclaimed smugly. They were all too stunned to move for what seemed like hours, their eyes wide and mouths hanging open in shock. Finally, Thorin cautiously approached the bed.

“We, we have children?” Realization seemed to be dawning on his face, and Bilbo smiled happily in response and nodded. Thorin’s face lit up with a joyous smile, although a little confusion still shone in his eyes, as he sat down next to Bilbo to take in the sight of their babies with wonder and awe.

He announced the arrival of Prince Thor and Princess Bella later that day, much to the confusion and disbelief of everyone else in Erebor.

3 weeks after labor.

Bilbo was enjoying breakfast as Kili held Thor and Fili held Bella. The boys were so delighted to have new baby cousins that Bilbo sometimes had to steal his own children back from them. He felt a cramp in his stomach, and he winced.

“Ow,” he said quietly, more to himself than anyone else. Labor had taken its toll on him, and he was still recovering. The cramps didn’t happen often, but they were quite uncomfortable when they did.

“What’s wrong?” Bofur asked in concern. Bilbo shook his head nonchalantly and smiled lightly at his friend to keep him from worrying.

“Nothing, just stomach pains.” The toymaker’s eyes went wide as he hopped up from his seat.

“Bilbo’s having another baby!” He cried. The rest of the table jumped up in a panic.

“Wait, what, no-“ Bilbo started to say, but he was cut off when Dori yelled, “Someone find that elf again! I don’t know which one. The one with the hair!” Thorin rushed to his side and grasped his hands in his own.

“It’s okay. I know I didn’t believe you last time, but I do now, and I will hold your hand every step of the way. Just breathe,” he said reassuringly, trying to get his husband to take deep, calming breaths with him. Bilbo sighed and shook his head, throwing his arms up in defeat.

“I give up!” He said to no one in particular. He loved these dwarves, he really did, but in some ways, they were as dumb as the rocks they mined.