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It's Always Sunny in Brooklyn

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“Over here guys!” Hitchcock waved at the rest of the 99 who were clustered precariously across the street.

Amy raised onto her toes to look at the bumbling Hitchcock and Scully.

“Ok what’s the situation over there?” Rosa, tipped her aviator sunglasses onto the bridge of her nose, her eyes darting through the thick crowds.

“There’s so many variables I’m not sure we can account for everything...ugh… they’ve moved slightly and I can’t see anything” Amy stumbled backwards whilst trying to expand her view.

“They’re in full uniform I can tell you that.” Amy said, exasperated.
Rosa slapped her shoulder, her glasses so far down her nose you could see the excitement in her eyes.

“Full uniform Amy?! Didn’t you bring some binders to stand on or anything? This is the best thing that’s happened all day!” Gina whined, shoving her phone into her pocket.

“It’s 11am…”

“I once got proposed to at 8.30am and 10am by two different guys on the same day. I’m a fast mover.” Gina sneered in her low drawl.

Terry looked at Boyle, who was carrying a precariously wrapped pastry and paper cup. One by one everyone’s eyes followed suit.

“Fine” Boyle handed the dainty looking pastry and coffee to Jake. He let out a dejected sigh whilst Terry hoisted him onto his shoulders.

“Oooh ee, get out your wallets cause this one’s gonna be a doozy”

“Scully is holding 2 hot dogs, one in each hand. We’ve got a fire hydrant, a pug and a set of twins holding around...10 balloons each.”

“Street level Boyle! What’s at their feet?” Terry asked, his deep voice startling Boyle, who swayed slightly on his shoulders.

“We’ve gooooot, what looks to be a loose manhole cover, plastic fencing and around 40ft between us and them”

“Ok, place your bets” Gina announced authoritatively. Everyone scribbled their ideas on pieces of paper handed out by Amy.

“Times up people, fold it up and name on the top. Put those in my right hand, bets in my left hand”

In flurry, pieces of paper and dollar bills were thrust into Gina’s hands. Jake peered into his wallet and grimaced and parted with a $5 bill.

“Boyle we’re ready”

Boyle whistled and beckoned over Scully and Hitchcock.

The 99 waited in a horseshoe formation around the announcer

“OK OK, WHO GOT SMUSHED HOTDO… 2 SMUSHED HOT DOGS!”

“AHA!” Rosa exclaimed.

“Ok, we’ve got a pug petter… and...”

Boyle tailed off. A few moments passed without commentary
“Boyle what is going on?” Jake muttered whilst taking a sip of his coffee. Burning the tip of his tongue. His face retracted with the burn.

“Did anyone get joining the parade?”

“I DID!” Jake yelled above the muttering of the rest of the group
“It was the uniforms, i know about these kinds of things” Jake added. Rosa arched her eyebrow and peered at him over her sunglasses.

“I mean, I am the best detective in the 99” Jake spluttered

“Damn it!” Gina sighed, reluctantly handing over the small pile of dollars to Jake.

“They’re loving it guys but I’ve no idea how they’ll get out” Boyle patted Terry’s head to signal him to turn around.

“Plain clothes policing Gay Pride. What an excellent way to spend a Saturday. I’m so glad Holt trusted us with this” Amy said, a gleeful smile spreading over her face.

“Aw babe” Jake placed his hand on Amy’s shoulder.

“Here are the streets Holt wanted everyone at. The threat that was phoned in seemed phony but we’re not taking chances on something that means so much to the team and Holt” Amy texted everyone the addresses.

“Now we’ve lost Hitchock and Scully it means one pair is gonna have to split up.” Amy glanced over at Terry and Boyle, who were still conjoined together like 2 children trying to sneak into the movies under one big coat.

Boyle patted Terry’s head and he responded with an affectionate pat to Boyle’s leg.

“I can’t leave Gina on her own, you know what she gets like when she's around glitter and bright colours” Rosa grumbled and rolled her eyes. Gina nodded whilst looking at her phone screen.

“Ok Amz, that means we’re splitting up. I’ll take our original spot you take theirs.”

“Is that anything to do with the bakery on the corner of our original spot?” Amy’s eyes narrowed

“It’s gay pride they’ll obviously be handing out free samples. I’m only human Amy!” Jake pushed through the sentence with increasing urgency. Jake sniffed the air hard.

“That’s the smell of sweet sweet free donut samples”

“No that’s stale beer and raw sewage Jake” Boyle added flippantly.

Jake coughed and recoiled.

“Yep, yep. You’re right Boyle."

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Jake rested a box of fresh cakes he’d bought with his winnings on the steps of the church where he was posted. He wrangled with the idea of eating them all himself.

“No, one is enough. You’re an adult now, you buy light bulbs and everything” he whispered to himself, chuffed. Clearly forgetting that he usually steals the light bulbs he needs out of the lamps on Scully’s desk.

Jake nodded, folded his arms and rested his fingertips on the deep creases of his leather jacket and glanced at his watch. The tiny gold Casio watch was dwarfed by his thick wrist and big hands. Maybe he shouldn't have let Amy to force him into borrowing her watch. He understood where Amy was coming from though. He knew how much pride meant to Holt and he shouldn’t let his tardiness sabotage it.

He glared at his hands and flexed them, opening and closing his palms. Letting the summer New York air whisk through his fingers. As he focused on the negative space between his fingers a small bespectacled man appeared in the space.

“You know where the nearest shitter is?”

Jake stared at the old man. He stared back up at Jake, his finite hair blowing in the wind, the july sunlight bouncing off his bald spot.

“Pal, shitter?”
“Why do you assume I know where the bathrooms are?”
“You’re a cop aint ya?”
“Yeah well, urm, how do you know that?”
“It’s like a bajillion degrees out here and you’re stood wearing a leather jacket and boots and you’ve got them sunglasses like you’re Al Pacino” Taken aback by the little man he was lost for words

“Oh wait yeah and I can see your badge…”

“Frank! Frank! There’s a bar here! Just go in there” a wispy pale man covered in glitter pointed towards the sign to a dive bar across the street.

“Ah gotcha!”

The small man trotted away ducking between the elbows of the crowd.

Jake ran towards the street, expecting the small man to have been swept into the parade like a very ugly bear cub being swept downstream. Instead he saw Frank trotting happily into the entrance of the bar. Jake nodded in appreciation and confusion. Jake backtracked to the shaded spot he was stood in previously.

He glanced over at the group the little man was with. 3 men and a woman. The wispy man covered in glitter, a smaller grubby looking man with a beard and a muscular man with a beard, also covered in glitter.

The muscular man looked over at Jake and scanned him up and down. Jake felt his skin burning underneath his clothes. He took his sunglasses off and hooked them around his jacket pocket. As he looked up from spending a suspiciously long time staring at his sunglasses he felt the eyes of the dark haired man glance over him. He ran his hands through his pushed back hair, leaving a few strands to drop down onto his forehead. He caught eye contact. He felt a heat in his stomach. It burned hotter than his skin under the leather.

The man smiled at Jake, the particles of glitter on his cheeks twinkling in the July sun. As the man turned to Frank, who was rebirthed from the crowds Jake quickly scanned the rest of the man. For security purposes. His eyes flitted over his thick arms and broad shoulders, accentuated by the form fitting tank top he was wearing. Jake bit his lip subconsciously. Suddenly the pale man caught Jake’s eye and scowled and moved in front of the dark-haired man. Jake realized that this is gay pride at that man was probably his boyfriend. He awkwardly smiled at the man, raising an apologetic hand in the limpest and most non-threatening way. Although he apologized, he wasn't really sure why? He was only looking at him. If it was a woman he would have totally understood the need to apologize and then apologize again.

But still; something felt off.

A text vibrated through his jeans, it was from Gina.

'Parade's over - lets get blaaaaasted' followed by every alcohol emoji there was.

He responded with the same emojis and pushed the phone back into his pocket. Before moving he looked over at the oddball group. The blonde woman was clearing angry, her arms were taught straight and her cheeks were flashing red. She threw her arms into the air and turned to walk away with the small dirty man and Frank. The other two men followed after them. The unfamiliar heat burned in his stomach as the pale man slung his arm around the broad shoulders of the other.

“Weiiiiiird” Jake sung to himself. Unsure about what he’d seen and felt.

Chapter Text

 

“Sorry, excuse me!”

A small woman wearing the pride flag like a cape clattered into Jake. She was  tightly gripping her girlfriend’s hand and trying not to break the bond. They stumbled through the busy New York streets oblivious to the rest of the world. Jake nodded and smiled at her. Then he watched her slide her hand around her girlfriend’s waist, taming her white billowing shirt. She rested her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder. Although he could only see the backs of their heads he knew they were smiling from ear to ear.

Jake thought of Amy. She makes him feel that way. Content, lucky and pretty much whole. Without Amy, Jake was the Bob Dylan version of All Along the Watchtower, rough and soulful. Amy was Jimi Hendrix; she added organisation, passion and a whole lot of sexy and created a masterpiece.  He wondered if every couple here feels that way too? He knew Holt and Kevin felt that way, but with Bach or someone instead. Did those two glittery guys from before feel this? He wondered what two guys together felt...

A strong arm wrapped around slight shoulders. A thick torso covered in kisses...

Suddenly his jeans felt restrictive and beads of sweat dripped down his collar. He recognised this feeling, he called this the Sarah Connor feeling. Jake stopped in the streets. A bubble of guilt swallowed him whole.

“Everyone has gay thoughts right?” he muttered to himself

“It’s fine”

“Nobody can hear my thoughts. We’re all good in the hood”

A woman caught him talking to himself and gave him a snide side eye.

“All this gay pride is filling me with happiness and empathy. That’s all it is”

Lost in thought, he arrived at his destination. The Irish bar was one of the many that dotted the NY landscape. He’d convinced the rest of the 99 that Irish bars were the only choice for cops. Convinced being a light way of putting it. Forced them to watch a 3 hour audio visual presentation including clips from The Wire and The Departed is more accurate. A Rolling Stones song that he couldn’t place teemed out of the open windows.

 

He drummed his fingers on the lid of the cake box and looked at the entrance of the bar.

“Cool cool”

He turned and backed into the bar in order not to bash the cakes on the door. As he pivoted back to forward facing, Hitchcock and Scully were poised to pounce a few inches from Jakes face.

“How did you even get here so fast?” Jake halted, almost screeching on his heels.

“They’re like bloodhounds but for like cake!” Gina yelled from across the dimly lit bar

 

“Cake-hounds” Boyle added triumphantly

Jake nodded his head from side to side to indicate Boyle could do better.

 

“You got us one right Jakey?” Hitcock stuttered, his eyes transfixed on the box.

 

Jake flicked open the box and let them choose. After they’d raided the box Jake sauntered over to the table with the rest of the detectives around.

 

“Honestly Jake they turned up just moments before you did” Terry said, confused.

“Nobody even told them where we were going. We assumed they’d been taken back to parade HQ or something”

“Magic” Gina added with sarcastic Jazz hands.

 

“If perps were covered in pink frosting they’d be our top detectives” Rosa chuckled.

The 99 looked over at Hitchcock and Scully who were lounging in a leather booth. They threw the 99 a pink frosted thumbs up.

 

“Well guys, it seems that we’ve only got 5 left. I’ll be the bigger man and forego a cake because I care about you all so much” Jake laid the box on the round table.

 

“Really Jake? That’s real mature of you” Terry asked, suspicious.

Amy shot Jake a familiar side eye and smirk.

 

“OK, I already had like 4 donuts and I feel real sick right now” Jake sighed

 

“Literally my stomach is like an over inflated beachball”

 

Rosa winced.

“Anyway Jake, any trouble on your corner?” Amy asked, picking the blueberries out of muffin and putting them straight into her mouth.

 

Jake looked at Amy fondly, still riddled with unexplained guilt.

 

“Nothing really” the explanation was spluttered and phony.

 

Jake felt like he should tell Amy about what he felt, maybe she could make more sense of it than he could? Maybe it was because he was really in shape and he was jealous? That must be it. It’s happened a few times before, mainly with Victor White in high-school. That guy was jacked .

 

“Jake, Terry and I met some great people today. Everyone is just so full of JOY!” Boyle added excitedly.

 

“There’s so many hotties too, too bad they’re all gay.” Gina added scanning the bar

 

“They could be Bi? Not everyone here is gay. What do you think the B in LGBT stands for? Bees?” Rosa retorted

 

“I know what Bi is!” Gina snarled

 

“Bowie. R.I.P sweet prince” Gina kissed her fingers and gestured towards the juke-box playing ‘Golden Years’.

 

“We don’t hear about male bisexuality because the media is overly concerned with hyper-masculinity and distancing itself from anything that could possibly tie it to homosexuality.”

 

“Jesus Gina” Jake chuckled

 

“What? #Representationmatters Jake” She laid her palms on the table

 

“Like that hot apple pie over there. I would like to take a slice of that home. Mmmmm” she pointed towards someone Jake recognised. The man from the parade. He was stood with the blonde woman and the grubby man he was with earlier. Jake quickly scanned the room from the man’s suspected boyfriend.

 

Jake inhaled sharply. He was as shocked as he was excited to see the man again. His heart pattered in his chest.

 

“Eh Gina, I think he’s gay”

 

“You’re telling me a gay man dances like that?”

 

The man was moving disjointedly to the David Bowie record crackling through the low lit room. Whilst the blonde woman swayed by his side.

 

“Jake 20 bucks on who can get his phone number. Me vs you”  Gina instisted, sliding $20 across the table.

 

“I couldn’t do that Amy. He’ll obviously want to run away with me” Jake spluttered, awkwardly avoiding Gina’s eye contact.

 

“Do ya thing Jake!” Amy yelled

 

Jake could have just said, I saw him at the parade with under another guy’s arm. It wasn’t as simple as that. He didn’t want to tell her the truth because it was mixed up with those uncomfortable feelings from before.

 

“What about Terry? He’s much hotter than me!” Jake insisted.

 

“Nobody’s that straight. It’s not a fair fight... No offence Jake” Boyle added. Everyone nodded in agreement.

 

“You scared you’ll lose” Gina elbowed Jake in the stomach playfully.

 

He was scared of how much he wanted to win.

 

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“He’s obviously gay.” Gina spluttered, slumping herself down back into her chair.

 

“It’s the oo-hoonllly explanation. I’m irresistible to all men.” She slammed her fist onto the table.

 

Jake sat quietly in the corner. Nursing his third gin and tonic for the evening.

 

“Are you alright Jakey? I’ve not seen you this quiet since they turned off September by Earth Wind and Fire at the precinct BBQ last summer.” Boyle chirped, patting Jake’s shoulder

 

“I’m strategizing!” He barked. He wasn’t. He was nervous as hell, more nervous than he’d ever been asking out a woman.

 

“And! Secondly, who the hell turns off September? It’s the greatest song ever written and everybody knows it!...Holt was dancing!” stuttered Jake.

 

“Look nobody else saw it so we can’t accept it as true. It’s the hoola hooping incident all over again!” Amy threw her hands in the air.

 

“I’ll get shots. That’ll help!” Jake gulped the last of his drink and slammed it on the table.

 

“Tequila?”

 

The suggestion was met with whoops from the entire gang. Jake trotted over to the bar.

 

“Can I get, er 6 shots of tequila please pal and er...” Jake wondered what drink would make him look the impressive “ a whiskey on the rocks”. Jake pattered a rolled up $20 bill on the bar.

 

“Are those all for you?”

 

“Well after the day I’ve had…” Jake was still watching the tapping note. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

 

“Yeah i’m planning on browning out tonight!”

 

Jake looked at the mystery voice. It was apple pie.

 

“Browning out? Like blacking out but not as severe?” Jake liked this phrase. He was just tipsy enough to find the grossness slightly endearing.

“Yeah man you get it!” The man slapped Jake’s shoulder enthusiastically.

 

“I’m Mac”

 

“Jake”

Chapter Text

The bartender slid the 6 tequila shots across to Mac and Jake. Jake knocked back one of the shots.

“So, what brings you to…”

Mac steadily knocked back the rest of the shots. Hacking heavily between each one.

“Lime is for pussies”

Mac let out a long sigh after the final shot.

“Yeah man” Jake muttered whilst mouthing sorry at the rest of the 99 over Mac’s shoulder. Gina threw her hands up in disbelief.

“Have…aren’t you having anything to drink man?” Mac slurred trying to slide the whisky out of Jake’s hand.

This guy was a douchebag but Jake really wanted to win this bet. Jake leaned forward and put on his best flirty face.

“So Mac, what brings you to the big apple, the city that never sleeps…”

“Get blasted, hook up. Normal stuff” he replied.

Mac slid his hand onto Jake’s thigh. Jake inhaled sharply.

“Ohh. Man… girl…”

“Not a woman dude. She doesn’t matter”

Jake didn’t know to react. He wanted to jump to defend Amy. Tell him that he had a girlfriend he loved very much. For some reason he didn’t want Mac to know he had a girlfriend. He wanted to keep this façade going.

“Oh well, here’s the thing.”

Mac cut him off.

“You’ve got an apartment right? Or you wanna just fuck in the alley?”

Mac tightened his grip on Jakes thigh and rubbed his thumb at a steady pace along his jeans. Jake’s chest tightened. He looked briefly into Mac’s eyes. They were sultry and dark, framed by his long eyelashes. He diverted his eyes and darted them quickly around the bar. He could feel Mac breathe warm against his neck.

Jake’s mind wandered in a moment of weakness. He imagined Mac pushing him up against a wall, his body pushed against his. Bristled kisses tickling his neck.

Jake realised he was attracted to Mac, he was really attracted to him. Suddenly years of misunderstood memories poured into Jake’s head.

‘Oh man that stuff with Stevie makes a lot more sense now’ Jake thought, he grimaced slightly as he reminded himself of his awkward subconscious attempts at flirting.  

“Oh have you ever seen Die Hard. What about that Bruce Willis huh? What a hunk!” Jake spluttered, grimacing at the choice of the word 'hunk'

“Why are we talking about if I’d screw die hard Bruce Willis. The obvious answer is of course that dude was bad ass. Phisque could have been better though”Mac pondered.

“Right!?” Jake yelled, over enthusiastically. Mac recoiled slightly.

“So what other movies are you into…”

“Jake I don’t wanna sit here talking about dude’s physiques all day…” Mac gradually moved his hand further up Jake’s thigh up to his crotch. He felt a deep burn simmer in his throat.

‘Jesus Christ the gig is up’ Jake thought to himself, scrambling for the will power to push Mac’s hand away.

“Oh man I’m sorry I’m not into guys I’m straight”… he suddenly remembered  how much he enjoyed making out with a guy from the 91 on an undercover case “I mean most of the time I’m straight…” Jake spluttered, pushing Mac’s hand away from his thigh.

“but I mean if I wasn’t straight I’d be all over you. You’re so cool and hot, even if you’re a bit of an asshole…” Jake had no idea what he was saying.

Mac rolled his eyes and interrupted Jake.

“Dude I can literally see your boner through your jeans. Not into guys that’s absolute bullshit.”

Jake pulled his shirt down further over his crotch.

“I have a girlfriend, she’s right over there…” Jake turned to Amy, probably five drinks deep now. Her arms slung around Rosa’s neck her face pressed up to Rosa’s.

“Which one? The little one or the lesbian?” Mac snorted.

Jake briefly remembered the conversation with Amy.

“if you’re in the same room kissing other people is okay. It’s hot right? Like if I made out with Rosa” Amy hicked whilst nursing her third glass of red wine over dinner.

Jake remembers exactly how he responded “If you can get that close to her without her slitting your throat it would honestly be the greatest day of my life.” For an unbeknownst reason to him then he added “Only if I can do the same with an equally as attractive guy”

“Deal”. He remembered Amy sticking out her hand for Jake to shake. She was smiling widely, her eyes were squinty from the alcohol but she still looked pretty pleased with herself.

He wondered if Amy knew that he was really making more than a passing flippant comment.

He looked over at Amy again, she was drunkenly grinning at Rosa.

“Cool cool cool” Jake stuttered

“Dude I saw you checking me out earlier at the parade”

Jake looked at him wide eyed. Realising that he was checking Mac out at the parade… that’s why his boyfrie…

“Boyfriend! You have a boyfriend!” Jake spluttered. His usual sharp detective skills were dulled by alcohol and the sudden urge to makeout with a strange man behind a dumpster.

“Oh Dennis” Mac’s voice deepened with a sense of longing as he finished the sentence.

“Yeah Dennis”

“He’s not my boyfriend, Jake” Mac rolled his eyes and slammed the empty glass of whisky on the mahogany bar.

“Look, I’m going to be leaving for my hotel in 10 minutes, isn’t this something you always wanted?”

Jake titled his head at the choice of words by a random stranger.

“You’re either in or your out buddy.” Mac ran his hand up Jake’s leg one last time before standing up and walking away.

“Oh here’s my number, detective” Mac flicked a neatly folded piece of paper in Jake’s direction.

He fumbled with the piece of paper. The paper tumbled through his hands. The sharp edges of the paper dancing over his fingers. Jake thought it would be easier to screw the paper up and throw it away rather than tell everyone that he succeeded and got this guy’s number. Jake looked up in the direction that Mac walked. He found Dennis glaring icily towards him with Mac muttering in Dennis’ ear.

As Jake walked over to the table where the 99 sat he looked over at Amy. His heart swelling with love and guilt he screwed up the piece of paper and thrust it into his pocket.

“Hi guys, no luck with that guy unfortunately!” Jake sighed

“That’s a shame.” Gina spluttered, slightly confused.

“So, he’s straight?”

“Oh, definitely not!” Jake said eagerly.

“Uh. I mean yeah, I didn’t get the number from him because I’m straight and with Amy and I didn’t wanna lead him on or anything…” Jake’s ramblings trailed off.

“Okay Jake. Bet’s off then”

Jake suddenly remembered the rounds drinks he ordered on the tab and didn’t yet pay for.

“oh well I mean he touched my leg! That’s gotta count for something. Gimme that $20 Gina”

“How broke are you Jake?” Gina chuckled and threw the $20 bill in Jakes direction.

As Jake leapt to grab the bill, he knocked loose the phone number in his pocket, leaving it to flutter onto the table.

“What’s this Jake?” Rosa grabbed the scrap paper, whilst Amy slid infront of her to get to the bathroom.

“That’s just er a number for a CI… old jacket…. Old case!” Jake squeaked, impressed by his quick thinking skills.

“Mac, huh?”

Gina quizzed.

“Yeah just some meat head…”

Suddenly he heard a shriek from the corner of the room.

“Get your hands of me you pervert!” Amy shrieked.

Jake, blinded by rage rushed over to Amy. In a white hot blaze of anger and uncharacteristically worked up, he threw a fist into the direction of the assailant. He felt the entire night’s fustration and confusion come to an apex as he swung his fist. As the mist of rage faded he saw Dennis, cowering clutching his cheek.

“What the hell dude” Jake heard, just in ear shot as a fist came colliding into his face.

His face throbbing, Jake turned to face Mac who was holding Dennis’ face in his hands. Jake was frustrated and confused and didn’t know what to do.

“You’re both arrested. I can do that because I’m a cop.” He paused “an officer of tha laaaaaw” Jake sang. He was definitely drunker than he first realised.

Jake heard panicked muffles behind him, resulting in Rosa sliding by his side.

“I’ve not drank anything Jake. I’ll drive you all” Rosa said quickly. She quickly cuffed the 2 men and pushed them towards the door.

The blonde woman approached Rosa.

"I better come with you, he's my brother" Her eyes darted over Rosa quickly.

"Okay, blondie... Jake c'mon" Rosa barked.

Jake looked at Amy, who calmly mouthed “Go with them” from across the room.

Chapter Text

Rosa pulled the car into the bay in front of the Nine Nine.

 

“Well, that was weird” Rosa said deeply.

 

“Well, it wouldn’t have been weird if Dee hadn’t done the accent? Why did you do the accent, you stupid bitch?” Dennis spluttered, his words ricocheting like bullets within the cramped police car.

 

“No what made it really weird was the singing” Dee sniped, turning sharply in her seat to face the men in the backseat. Jake was sandwiched between Mac and Dennis, who were still in handcuffs.

 

Jake raised his hand, “OK that one was on me, I started it.”

 

“Put your hand down.” Dennis pushed Jake’s hand down with the chain of the cuffs.

 

“Never apologize for feeling Toto” Dennis lectured.

 

“I I I  was feeling it!” Mac chirped

 

“Nobody cares” Dennis snarled, leaning forward and glaring at Mac.

 

“I’ve gotta say I’ve had a great time!” Jake announced jubilantly, patting both Mac and Dennis on the thighs.

 

“We had some sing alongs, I broke up a fight in a moving car, we had to switch seats half way...”

 

“That’s Dee’s fault, she was being a bitch” “God damn it Dennis you started it” The twins argued loudly over each other

 

“… we found out that Rosa is a big Lady GaGa fan.” Jake listed in a sing-song voice.

 

“I mean, I’d never have guessed that” Dennis laughed.

 

“Any of you tell anyone I will break all your teeth” Rosa clenched her hands on the steering wheel.

 

“Is it wrong that I’m a little turned on by that?” Dennis postulated

 

“Is it? I don’t think so” Dee spluttered in response.

 

Mac raised his eyebrows.

 

“Ok criminals let's get you into booking” Jake chortled as he slid across Dennis’ lap. He fumbled with the door handle and tumbled onto the sidewalk.

 

Jake brushed himself off and lead against the door. He breathed heavily as he reflected on the day’s unwarranted revelations. His head was still cloudy from the alcohol and the heavy arguing in the car. He never realised three friends could argue like that. As he thought of the red faces and flying insults exploding in the car he heard heated fumbles within the car. He bent his knees to get a better leverage to get a better earshot.

 

“You stupid idiots you almost ruined everything!” Diaz snarled at the rest of the car.

 

“You and your goddamn penis Dennis!” Mac said, slapping Dennis’ shoulders with his cuffed wrists

 

“My penis, MY PENIS? You were all over that floppy haired, cute jewy cop, you were never supposed to go that far.” Dennis retorted, returning the cuffed shoulder slap.

 

“Soorrrrry” Mac rolled his eyes and shook his head.

 

Dennis scoffed and turned to the open window and met Jakes eyes who was peering into the open crack. Dennis jumped back.

 

“Uh, how much did you hear?” Dennis whispered.

 

“Aw you think I’m cute” Jake grinned and his eyes creased. Dennis recoiled sheepishly.

 

“Come on out criminals.” He pulled the car door open.

 

Rosa and Dee got out the car. Mirroring each other’s defensive arms crossed stances. Dee kneed the car door on Mac’s side, making him jump.

 

“Alright you bitch!” Mac shouted. Dennis and Mac shuffled out of the car and stood next to Jake. Mac awkwardly met Jake’s eyes and smiled coyly. Jake placed his hand on Mac’s bare shoulder and hurried him towards the elevator to get into the building.

 

The tension in the elevator was palpable. Rosa and Dee stood at the front of the tiny room, arms crossed, shoulders square. In turn, they looked over each other but still avoiding each other’s gaze. They both looked other each other’s tall slender physiques. Two small smiles formed on each of their faces. They tried to stifle them but with a slight quiver showing through on the corner of their lips.  Jake stood between the two men. Mac and Dennis were both looking toward the elevator walls, avoiding looking at anyone else.

 

Jake, who was still noticeably drunk tapped Dee on the shoulder and tried to ask her a sneaky question.

 

“These two are smushing booties right?” Jake whispered. He wasn’t sure why he asked her the question and he wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be.

 

“God knows” Dee scoffed.

 

Dennis and Mac turned to each other, their cheeks flushed red. Usually they’d fire insults at Dee but they didn’t. Dennis sighed audibly and broke eye contact first.

 

“No” Mac said firmly with his voice trailing off at the end.

 

Jake rolled back onto his heels and moved back in between Mac and Dennis and smiled awkwardly at them both. Mac smiled back at him.

 

“Ok this is us” Rosa placed her hand on the small of Dee’s back and sharply on Dennis’ shoulder and thrust them both forward.

 

“You deal with that one Jake” said Rosa.

 

Jake inhaled sharply and nodded his head.

 

“Suuuure” He placed his hand between Mac’s shoulder blades. Their eyes met momentarily and they both held their breath. Both fixating their eyes on each other’s lips. Jake felt his mouth moisten and his lips swell. Jake felt a primal urge come over him, Jake was used to ignoring these feelings for so long. After coming to terms with them momentarily today he let the urge flow over him. The urge swelled through his body and into his arm. Jake slid his arm to the small of Mac’s back. The sexual tension in the elevator burnt electric. Jake let his hand drift further down. Mac stiffened and his eyes flicked towards Jake.

 

Suddenly a blaring siren echoed through the precinct and darted into the elevator. Jake snapped his hand away from Mac.

 

“That’s the fire alarm, we better get out of this…”

 

Suddenly the elevator doors snapped closed in front of them.

 

“Jake the fire alarm disables the elevators, just give it a few minutes. We’ll get you out.”  Rosa said calmly.

 

“Cool Rosa!” Jake threw up two strained thumbs ups even though he knew she couldn’t see them.

 

“We’re not getting out soon are we?” Mac sighed.

 

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Jake squealed.

 

“Jake, ugh, so don’t freak out. There was actually a fire so the fire department can’t let the elevators operate until they get here” Rosa said, knocking on the steel doors.

 

“This is totally cool.” Jake spluttered “I’m fine with this”.

 

Jake threw his head back in frustration.

 

“Jake can you take these cuffs off, I think I’m bleeding” Mac asked sincerely.

 

Jake looked over Mac’s raw looking wrists.

 

“Oh man I’m sorry, I put these on in a bit of a rush. Are you gonna punch me again though? I had to punch your boyfriend cause he was being a real creep…” Jake stumbled through the words as he fumbled with the keys for the handcuffs.

 

“Nah man” Mac rubbed his wrists as the cuffs came off.

 

“I do have this though” Mac pulled a large hipflask from the band of his navy pants.

 

“Wanna play a game or something?” Mac said sheepishly.

 

Jake nodded without thinking.

 

“Noice” Jake muttered, still nodding.

Chapter Text

“What... What the hell is in this flask?” Jake pulled the flask from his lips and handed it back to Mac. The liquid tastes like how alcohol vomit tastes. It reminded him of the night of Cop Con, and morning after. He caught a waft of the tainted air as it travelled like a dirty vapour trail in the cramped elevator.

 

“Fight Milk” Mac responded, his voice swelling with pride.

 

Jake looked at the flask in Mac's hand, his eyebrows raised in intrigue“Fight Milk? What the shit is Fight Milk?”

 

Mac began to reel off the ingredients “Uh, vodka, crows eggs...”

 

Jake waved him down “Please just don't go any further” His upper lip curling into a disgusted snarl and a dry heave tickling at his throat.

 

“One question...” Jake lifted his finger over his mouth, primarly at some attempt to keep whatever was happening inside his body, inside his body “Why?”

 

“It's bad ass!” Mac barked, in that same proud tone.

 

“Is it?” Jake squeaked, unconvinced.

 

Mac puffed his chest “Of course it is, it's by bodyguards for bodyguards”

 

“Oh you're a bodyguard?” Jake asked, feeling slightly better at the change of topic

 

“Not technically...” Mac trailed off. Jake looked at him, utterly confused. Their brown eyes locking. The confusion lead way to a heavy silence, only puncuated by shallow breaths and the licking of lips. The silence bounced off the walls of the tin box, hitting them both repeatedly, urging them to say something.

 

Mac broke “This was actually quite a big hit with UFC, they used to use it to cut weight”

 

“Cut weight?” Jake was familiar but for some strange reason he wanted the other man to keep talking.

 

“Made em shit their brains out” Mac added, oddly triumphantly.

 

“But you're drinking it...” Jake's intrigue barrelled into disgust once more.

 

“My stomach is hardened like a rock, I'm literally immune to this shit now” Mac patted his stomach. Jake couldn't help but feel quietly grateful for a reason to quickly flick his eyes over Mac's torso.

 

“Here take this instead!” Mac tossed another flask Jakes way. He fumbled but caught it.

 

“Where did you even get this?”

 

“Wouldn't you like to know” Mac winked at him again. Another blast of heated silence ricocheted off the walls.

 

“So what's with you and that Dennis guy. You look at him like Boyle looks at fermented yak's milk. Like really intensely and like desperately” Jake fumbled the words out.

 

“Well that's just not true and that is disgusting” Mac seemed angry and defensive even at the mere mention. Jake was a detective, he was pretty good at knowing when people are lying.

 

Jake threw up his hands “I'm just trying to make conversation. I really didn't plan on being stuck in an elevator with some random guy drinking crow's milk”

 

Crows eggs” Mac corrected him, smugly.

 

Jake mimicked Mac's correction and rolled his eyes.

 

“Sorry man, what happened to that game of yours?”

 

Jake slumped against the elevator door and took a slug of the whiskey.

 

“20 questions?”

 

Jake nodded and tipped his head towards Mac for him to go first.

 

“You fuck dudes yeah?” Mac asked, nonchalantly. 

 

Jake felt the alcohol burn up his throat and out of his nose.

 

“Not yet... I mean. No. No that is the word I was looking for”

 

“Dude...” Mac shot him a knowing glare. He'd only known Jake for around 2 hours but for some reason seemed to see right through him. Maybe this guy wasn't an idiot maybe Jake needed to give him a little more credit.

 

“Okay maybe I've thought about it...” Jake mumbled.

 

“That's not what I've heard” Mac retorted in a sing-song tone, winking as he ended the sentence.

 

“What does that mean?” Jake snapped, his heart raising 50 beats.

 

“Uh I dunno I was hoping it would work... like trigger shit...I'm not so good with this stuff... maybe Dennis should try” Mac looked at Jake with his large round eyes. Jake thought he actually might be trying to help, in some strange strange way. Mac gave him a warm comforting smile, it was really kind of working. This guy was an absolute idiot, it was cute in a 'I'm drunk and stuck drinking crows eggs in an elevator with a complete stranger' kind of situation.

 

He'd probably be pretty cute outside all this too, Jake thought to himself in a quiet whisper. For some reason he was on such high alert he was was worried his thoughts were leaking out into the room.