As Grumpy Cat lay dozing in a patch of sunlight, she felt a pinging at her senses. It could mean only one thing: Lil BUB was calling her. With her mind.
“I’M NOT HOME
LEAVE A MESSAGE” she mumbled.
“Sauce! So good to hear your voice again. Say, I was thinking of taking the ship out for a spin, and wondered if you wanted to come with. How about it – no Dude, no Pokey, just us girls on a road trip.”
“YOUR DUDE IS NOT HERE
AND I LOCKED POKEY IN THE BEDROOM” Grumpy countered, sleepily.
“Don’t you even want to know where I’m going?”
“THE GRAND CANYON
LIKE IN THELMA AND LOUISE” Grumpy Cat salted her words with a firm finality, even though she knew in her heart of hearts that the ever-resilient BUB was not going to be put off so easily.
“Not even close. I’m going to Saturn, Sauce! C’mon, doesn’t that sound epic?”
“MY NAP WAS EPIC
IN A MEDIOCRE WAY” Grumpy growled, resigning herself at last to the fact that BUB was not going to hang up anytime soon.
“This will most definitely not be mediocre. See, first, I was thinking of hitting Enceladus.”
“ENCHILADAS? OR SALADS?
DOESN'T MATTER, I HATE THEM BOTH”
“Enceladus is covered by a giant ice cap,” BUB continued, intrepidly. “But underneath, there’s an ocean, filled with fishes.” Her tongue lolled out just a little bit longer, in anticipation at the mere thought of the swarms of the moon’s delicious piscenes. “They’re not as small as my native fishes – you have to chew on them a little before they’ll go down. But they’re not as squirmy and slimy as Earth fishes are. Though they smell about the same.” Her eyes closed into dreamy slits.
“HAVE A NICE SPACE TRIP
SEE YOU NEXT FALL” Grumpy closed her eyes. Perhaps if she just pretended to be asleep…
“If that’s not your cup of tea, we could head on past the rings, to Titan. That place is pretty awesome. They have giant lakes of methane there.”
YOU MEAN LIKE COW FARTS” Grumpy asked, forgetting that she was trying to feign unconciousness.
“Exactly like cow farts.” BUB’s tail flicked with amusement. “We could go methane-skiing!”
“LIKE THAT SQUIRREL ON TV
HE LOOKS REALLY STUPID DOING THAT, BY THE WAY” Grumpy flexed her claws in and out, idly.
“Or we could go Sojarr hunting! They have gigantic herds of them, on the mesas of Titan. They hop along, only rarely using their wings, and nibble on the chlorine grass. During the spring – which is right about now, there -- the atmosphere is filled with chirping music as they rub their legs together, looking for mates.”
“SO…GIANT SPACE CRICKETS
……………...............NO” Grumpy did, however, find herself shuddering with delight at the thought of a stampede of the things. How wonderfully horrific.
“Well…we could always just cut to the chase, and go straight to Saturn. They have these beautiful blue cacti that grow there, with razor-sharp thorns. The locals use the insides to make booze. We could just lie in hammocks all day long, taking cacti shots.”
“CACTUS JUICE SOUNDS DISGUSTING
ALSO, CATS CAN’T GET DRUNK” Grumpy pointed out, having abandoned all hope of sleep by now, let alone pretense.
“We most certainly can get drunk. We’re just not supposed to. But what’s a vacation without some indulgence?”
“I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, BUT SATURN IS A GAS PLANET THAT IS COMPLETELY INHOSPITABLE TO ANY LIFE WHATSOEVER
JUST KIDDING, I LIKE BURSTING YOUR BUBBLE” Grumpy replied.
“That’s just what the locals want you to believe. The Micromegas are horrible at P.R. Mostly because they’re rather curmudgeonly, and like to be left alone.”
“LET ME GUESS
THEY ALSO LIKE TO TAKE NAPS” Grumpy said, archly.
“Yes, they do. They also give excellent belly rubs.” BUB let that last comment just hang between them for a moment.
AND?” Grumpy sputtered.
“Well, I seem to recall you enjoying a belly rub now and then…so I just figured you’d like to get some from the best in our solar system. That’s all. Also, they love it when you bite their fingers.”
“I AM ALLERGIC TO PLEASURE.” Grumpy was so flustered that she ran her couplet all together into one solid line.
“If you’re allergic to it, then you would enjoy it, right? Because then you’d feel all itchy and horrible, and we all know you love to be miserable,” BUB purred. “Just imagine, all those terrible little Micromega digits, just scritching and scratching away at your tummy. How awful it would be…”
Grumpy blinked slowly, then made a great show of licking her paw.
“So is that a ‘yes’, Sauce? Because I don’t hear a ‘no’…” BUB’s voice was a soothingly annoying little sing-song in Grumpy’s cranium. The little cream-colored cat flattened her ears in sweet misery at her defeat.
ON ONE CONDITION” she growled.
There was a SQUONK, and BUB’s spaceship materialized on the coffee table. The hatch opened, and a smiling tabby head peeked out. “Anything for you, my friend. Name your terms.”
“I WANT TO SEE THE RING
OF URANUS” Knowing that it is rude to laugh at one’s own incredibly-cheesy jokes, Grumpy did so, with relish, as she clambered into the craft.
“Oh, Sauce, you wicked thing! I had no idea!” BUB’s laughter echoed off the inside of the ship as the hatch closed. “Of course we can do that.”
A second later, they were halfway there.