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Evolution's Biggest* Hits!

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"We sure had some good times, back in the way back when. Didn't we, Boss?"

"That we did, that we did. It was a different time."

"A bigger time!"

"What are you getting at, Evolution?"

"It was a such a bigger time, when everything bigger was proportionally more interesting!"

"You just liked it when your projects stepped on other projects and made them go squish."

"And crunch. Can't forget crunch!"

"All right, let's get on with it - which ones do you miss the most?"

[Related to giant ground sloths and armadillos. 10.8 feet long and weighed up to 2 tons. Status: Extinct. Native to the ice-age Americas.]

"Boss, boss, LOOK WHAT I MADE!"

"Have you been messing around with the enlarge function again?"


"What is it, do you think?"

"It's a herbivore! And a mammal! And it comes with its own suit of armor!"

"That sounds oddly specific. You know what happens when you go oddly specific."

"I like it! It's like a giant turtle with muttonchops! Who doesn't love giant turtles with muttonchops!"

"I have nothing left to say to you."

[Prehistoric shark from the early carboniferous epoch. Rather small (70cm), but still an apex predator. Status: Extinct.]

"Evolution, why is that shark wearing a hat?"

"Because hats are AWESOME, that's why!"

"Doesn't seem very hydrodynamic."

"This shark doesn't need to be hydrodynamic! All the stuff it eats will swim on by admiring its SPIFFY HAT and then CHOMP. Dinner. It's a perfect plan!"

"You usually put the dorsal fin there, though."

"I moved it back! There's no reason a shark can't have a dorsal fin and a hat if it wants to! You're not the boss of that shark!"

"How are you even real?"

"I shall call it ... Stethacanthus!"

[An amphibian from the Permian era, diplocaulus was found in North America and was believed to swim by moving its body up and down, not unlike whales of today. Status: Extinct.]

"I made a decision! And a new thing!"

"What did you decide?"

"That it's really cool to live inside the water! And that living outside the water is also really cool!"

"Did you make an amphibian?"

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"Um. I'm sure someone thinks it is. Its mother, maybe."

"Look at that head! It's perfect or burrowing into the mud at the bottom of a lake!"

"And how is this ... thing supposed to live outside the water, again? With a head that looks like an axe?"

"The shore totally counts as outside the water!"

"If you say so, Evolution."

[Scientists now believe that sinorithosaurus, or the Chinese bird-lizard, may have flown not with two wings, but with four. Status: Extinct.]

"Knock, Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Four Wings!"

"Four wing, who?"

"Four wings are better for flying when you're a dinobirdasaur!"

"Now that's just overkill. The poor chick's wearing fluffy bell bottoms, and those won't come into style for another sixty-whatever million years."

"Nope, she's wearing fluffy bell bottoms sixty million years before they're cool! And that's cool!"

"Evolution, bell bottoms will never be cool."

Anomalocaris canadensis
[Anomalocaris canadensis was a one meter long shrimpsquid, which lived in the seas of China approximately 500 million years ago. Status: Extinct.]

"I decided to improve segmented bodies!"

"I don't think I want to know. Do I want to know?"

"You totally want to know! If you had to improve segmented bodies, how would YOU do it?"

"I don't know, maybe some loud coloration, if the critter at hand is poisonous, or some toes, I guess. Toes are nice."


"Oh, dear. You added feelers."

"MEGAfeelers: Go big or go home! Hm, actually, I really like feelers conceptually. I think I might have to do some more of those."

[Titanoboa lived during the paleocene epoch, 50-80 million years ago, and was in fact excellent at hugging. So excellent, in fact, that a single hug from a titanoboa would do you for the very short rest of your life. Status: Extinct.]

"You know how I said go big or go home?"

"Yes. I do distinctly remember you saying that, during more than one of your megafauna phases."

"Okay so I made a snake and that was cool but then I thought the only thing cooler and more awesome than a snake could be ... "

"Did you make a bigger snake?"

"I made the BIGGEST SNAKE. I made the snake a meter wide and fifteen meters long and IT IS THE BEST SNAKE AT HUGGING."

[Prototaxites, a type of fungus, were the largest living organism of the siluran and denovian periods. They grew up to a meter wide and eight meters tall. Status: Extinct.]

"I enjoy mushrooms, but I think the whole cap and gills thing is overdone these days."

"Evolution, you realize you're the one who did the 13,000 species of gilled mushrooms, right?"

"Giant skylumps are better! They're definitely more original. Definitely!"

Aepycamelus Alticamelus
[Aepycamelus was a type of giraffe-necked camelid native to the prairies of ancient North America. It lived during the Miocene period, and its fossils have been found from Montana to Florida. Status: Extinct.]

"What is it about a camel that makes it a camel?"

"This is a trick question, isn't it?"

"Don't be a spoilsport - go on, answer the question!"

"What is it about a camel that makes it a camel, eh?"

"I know what you're gonna say!"

"It's the hump, isn't it?"

"Nope! It's being related to other camels! Look, I made one with a giraffe neck! It's giramel! Just kidding it's an Aepycamelus."

[Diprotodon lived in Australia between 1.6 million and 46,000 years ago. It is succeeded by its smaller cousin, the standard wombat-sized wombat. Both types make cubic poops.]

"Hey boss, what poops cuboid poops and is really big?"

"Is this another knock-knock joke?"

"I would not perform more than a single knock-knock joke in one session. To do so would be a grave abuse of power."

"You say that now."

"C'mon, guess! You know you wanna!"

"What have you made before that poops cuboid poops?"


"Did we really need a giant wombat?"

"I can say with complete assurance that we did in fact need giant wombats. We ALWAYS need giant wombats!"