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When you were gone

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'Did you even look for me?' Dean glowered at Sam, anger rising in his chest at the thought of being abandoned by the only person he thought he could depend on.

'I thought you were dead Dean! We always agreed that we would move on if anything like this ever happened.'

'After all we been though,' Dean continued oblivious, 'with me \raising you from the dead\ and \going to hell\ when I thought YOU were dead?! But no, don't mind me Sammy, I'll just stay in purgatory and fight my way out alone because obviously we always have to stay dead... Ha, listen to yourself, when did you lose your fire Sammy, your determination for never giving up on the people you love, or did you never really care about me, was it all family loyalty and all that crap which you-'

'Shut up, Dean'

'-went on about with Samuel but when it comes down to it you're no better than him-

'I said SHUT UP'

Dean fell silent, a bemused look on his face, wondering what had given Sam the right to speak to him after all that he had done- or lack of. However, he didn't retaliate, seeing that the colour had drained from his brothers face as he was ranting and was now slowly turning a dark shade of pink.

'Fine, so what did you do, eh, Sam? What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't come and at least \attempt\ to find me?'

'I was preoccupied,' mumbled Sam eyes inspecting the small crack in the wooden floor board of the rundown lodge they were in.

'You're gonna have to give me a bit more than that, preoccupied with what exactly, or should I say whom, was there a girl?' Dean voice trailed away over the last syllable, an edge of disappointment and pain cutting into his voice.

'Yeah, but it wasn't like that Dean that's not why-'

'It was a girl,' Dean whispered, as he felt his heart shatter inexplicably into a million pieces, while slumping to sit on the bed due to the weight of this new realisation, head resting in his hands, 'it'll always be a girl...'

'No, Dean,' Sam muttered, crouching down on his knees so he could look him in the eyes, 'Dean, look at me.'

Slowly raising his head, Dean stared at Sam, revealing the hurt and sadness he felt in that single gaze. Sam's breath caught in his throat, instantly regretting deciding to tell Dean the truth, for fear of adding to more fuel to that fire of pain. But it was too late to turn back now.

'She found me in the mental ward, talked me into starting a new life to try to forget what had happened, I thought-'

'Wait, hold up Sammy. A \mental ward\. Where you on a case or something? What happened? Was it Lucifer again? Sam I thought you said he was gone-'

'No, Dean,' Sam interrupted, unable to bear the ever increasing panic in Dean's voice, 'nothing like that it was stupid really I shouldn't have done it.'

This time it was Sam's turn to look away, refusing to believe he was actually going to tell Dean this now, after everything they'd been through, and everything he could lose.

'You know you can tell me anything, right? You don't need to be embarrassed, I can't exactly judge'

Sam hesitantly raised his head, the earnest look on Dean's face giving him the trust and confidence he needed.

'After you were...gone... I searched everywhere, called everyone, but there were no leads. So I found a job, something to hunt to take my mind off it, to give me a purpose, a reason to live.' Sam hesitated, wondering why he was even telling him this, 'In the end, I killed it, but not before it killed 12 people. 12 people that I was supposed to save, who were my responsibility. 12 boys with families waiting for them to return, or mothers whose children will grow up believing she just abandoned them. 12 innocent people, Dean. And that was my fault. I had failed in my only purpose, my reason to live.' He paused, gritting his teeth at the memory, 'So got back to the motel and slit my wrists.'

Dean's eyes filled with tears, not caring to hear the rest of the story, for he didn't care anymore. His thumb grazed the scars on Sam's arms, only now seeing them for what they were, too rigid and uniform to be from a hunt.

'But why now, Sammy?' Dean's voice was a whisper, 'Why not after Jess, or Gabe, or Cas, or Bobby? We always knew we would die young, it comes with the job, so why did you give up?'

'Because I didn't have you'

Dean knew the answer before he heard it.

'Because I couldn't wake up every day knowing that the one person that mattered the most, the one person I was in love with my whole life, was yet another person that I couldn't save.'

Sam's eyes closed, realising what he'd just said. To his BROTHER. But his thoughts came to an abrupt halt when he felt Dean's lips brush against his own, gently at first, quizzically, until Sam couldn't take it any longer.

Sam pushed Dean back onto the bed, tentatively probing with his tongue into Dean's mouth, but Dean doesn't plan on holding back. Dean thrusts his tongue into Sam's mouth, exploring previously forbidden territory. Removing layers of clothes as they kissed, Dean flipped Sam over to straddle him, momentarily mesmerized by Sam's chiselled features underneath him.

'Are you sure you want to go there, Dean, you know there's no going back if we do...'

'I've wanted this since Stanford, Sammy, hell probably before then, don't make me wait any longer.'

So he didn't.