Jane closed the fridge just a little too loudly, and the remaining beer bottles rattled in the door. Shit. She looked around for the bottle opener, and when it refused to appear she braced the lid against the edge of the counter to hastily pry it off. She swore again as the cold beer sloshed out of the bottle and over her hand onto the floor. Jane turned away—she'd clean it up later. She crossed back to the couch, sinking onto it as she sighed. Dammit, why did she always do these things? She'd been asking that question for days—with each annoyance, with each overly formal exchange between herself and Maura.
She was starting to think she should really just stick to work—those mysteries could be solved and answers be found in a logical manner; at least there, when you broke something, it was fixable. Jane sighed and took a pull of the beer, only half watching whatever was on the television. It was late enough, but she'd need at least another drink before she could sleep.
It took Jane until the second knock to realize someone was at the door. She pushed herself open, only half aware that she was still holding the beer in one hand as she pushed her fingers through her hair before opening the door. When she saw Marissa standing in the hall, shifting from foot to foot, though she smiled. "Hey, sorry, was the TV too loud?"
At first, Marissa hesitated before knocking. She could hear the TV, but the hallway was so quiet. As she glanced around her, she bit her lip. She wasn't sure what she was looking for. The times she'd run into Jane in the stairwell the past week, the brunette had seemed rushed and tired. But more than that...she was alone. It was pretty clear that something had happened between her and Dr. Isles, just as much as it had been pretty clear to Marissa that they were together. Part of her felt guilty, but she told herself that she was just checking on her friend.
Jane stepped aside and waived the young brunette inside. She had thought she wanted to be alone, but seeing Marissa was starting to change that. It would be a distraction from the thoughts Jane had been trying to ignore.
"No...no..." Marissa flashed a closed lip smile and hugged herself as she stepped in. She looked around, seeing little signs—beer caps that had fallen to the floor, a stray sock—that Jane hadn't had visitors and wasn't really expecting them. She took a deep breath and released her arms, trying to appear more comfortable. Jane's apartment was warm...lived in, and Marissa wanted to be comfortable there if Jane would let her. But this wasn't about that, she reminded herself. "I just...thought I'd come down and say hello. You've kinda seemed tired lately."
"Oh..." Jane followed Marissa's eyes around the apartment and cringed inwardly. It wasn't her habit to be as fastidious and organized as Maura, but she had let a number of small things go between work and her efforts not to keep going over the conversation they had had…and the one they hadn't that night. "Yeah, I guess I have been a bit." She motioned to the beer in her hand. "Can I get you anything? Or are you studying more tonight?"
"I'm okay...I thought I'd take a break." Marissa smiled more softly as she glanced to the sofa and took it upon herself to sit down. Jane seemed a little tipsy, but she was still herself. She was always polite, a little warm but a little distant, no matter what Marissa did. "Jane..." She pushed a piece of hair behind her ears. "Are you okay?"
The third, or fourth—she couldn't quite remember—beer was hitting Jane, and she sighed, sinking onto the couch next to Marissa. She looked at the younger woman—despite her constant angst about school, it was obvious that she was determined and capable, and Jane had always been just a little impressed with her intuition. "I...yeah of course." It was a lie—a really bad one—and Jane knew it wasn't convincing in the slightest. Before Marissa could call her on it, if she even would, Jane cut her off, "Are you dating anyone? I mean..." Jane floundered, then shrugged, "Sorry, curious." She didn't know why she'd asked really, only that the topic had been all that had been on her mind lately. Was Marissa a part of an "us"? When did it become that? When was it more than sleeping in each others' beds or leaving articles of clothing in each others' closets?
"Oh...no. I'm not." Marissa pushed the persistent lock of hair back behind her ear again, knowing that it would only fall against her cheek, which was now getting flushed. She wondered if that meant Jane was curious on more than a conversational level. And she felt bad about what she was about to ask, but the opening seemed there. "Are you?"
The next thing Jane knew, instead of answering Marissa, she was pulling her in and kissing her hungrily. The force behind it barely registered in her mind, but it kept all the questions and impending thoughts away. Jane could hear Marissa let out a surprised yelp, but she wasn't pulling away—though Jane wasn't sure she would have let her.
Marissa didn't feel like Maura, and Jane wasn't touching her as if she was. She felt the girl press back and finally broke the kiss long enough to pull them up off the couch. Jane felt her foot knock over her half-filled beer as she half tugged, half carried Marissa down the short hallway toward her bedroom. She could hear blood pounding in her ears, and Marissa was breathing fast.
Jane felt her frustration focus on the moment, and it increased as she registered how aroused she was. Something in here still didn't want to believe it- this thing that was happening to her. She wanted to believe it was just Maura, something about her that brought out these feelings. But now here she was, pushing another woman's shirt up and off, and moaning as she shoved her back onto the bedspread.
She moved quickly to pin Marissa down, and kissed her again, desperately trying to block the conflicting thoughts from her mind.
Whatever answer she had been expecting, Marissa had forgotten with the first touch of Jane's lips. And even though she could taste beer mingled with something like desperation, she didn't want to resist. She knew very well that she couldn't completely blame it on shock; she had thought about things like this happening. But the fact was that things like this didn't really happen. Her life was measured and stressful, and her escapes were well planned, but she felt the distinct rush of delight, of desire at how frantic Jane's touch was and how unexpected the advances had been.
She felt almost overwhelmed when the air hit her skin, when she felt the rumpled bedspread underneath her. And Jane held her so firmly that she could not help but moan into the kiss. She was overwhelmed--deliciously overwhelmed, and she squirmed in an effort to make some sort of reciprocal move, to show Jane just how much she wanted this.
Jane wasn't letting Marissa up: it would make it too real. She caught the girl's wrists and pinned them over her head, quickly working her lips down Marissa's neck, leaving a trail of growing red marks as she went. She could hear the noises Marissa was making, and she didn't sound like Maura—Maura was confident and tended toward demanding, even when she let herself go completely. These sounds were surprised, speaking of muted, polite enjoyment. Jane's hand moved mindlessly, pressing between Marissa's legs as she pushed the brunette's shirt up with the other. She growled in frustration, simply pushing Marissa's bra down as much as she could before catching one of her nipples between her teeth.
"Oh! I...ooh..." Marissa arched under Jane and closed her eyes. She had never done something so spontaneous. She wasn't sure she should be doing it now, but it felt so good. It was thrilling, and if she could admit it, it was also a little frightening. "I'm...are you sure it's..." But she didn't really want to ask. She didn't really want anything but precisely what was happening right then. "Oh, that feels, so...wow..."
Finally, Jane glanced up, catching sight of Marissa's delighted face, freezing when the brunette opened her eyes, meeting her gaze. "Shit..." Jane froze, pulling back from her and rolling onto the bed beside her. She covered her face with her hands. Suddenly, the moment was gone. Maybe the beer's haze was lifting—but more than that, the truth of the situation finally overcame her basic wants. Jane was still wet and her pulse still quick, but she couldn't bring herself to continue. Still hiding behind her fingers, she groaned, "God, Marissa, I'm sorry."
"Jane..." It took her a moment to realize that Jane was not on top of her anymore. It took a longer moment to realize just what sort of look had been in the brunette's eyes. Marissa's heart was pounding wildly, but she forced herself to take a deep breath. "You don't have to apologize...I'm okay. This is okay..." She knew it was weak; she knew the rough treatment was not what Jane was apologizing for, and perhaps it was acknowledging it that made her look down at her hands.
Jane groaned again, still hiding. "No, it's not Marissa. And yes I do." As much as Jane's own thoughts were twisting, she knew Marissa's were as well. She had been subtly aware of the girl's interest over the past few months, though had only recently been able to acknowledge it. Maura had pointed it out, she realized, and she had laughed. She wondered…but there was too much. There were too many questions to ask about her motives. Finally, she dropped her hands to her sides, and glanced sideways at Marissa, "I just...I can't do this."
"Okay..." As she slid off of the bed and settled her clothing, Marissa forced a small smile. She turned her back to Jane, trying to hold back tears. "I understand, Jane. Really." Dr. Isles seemed to be as smart as she was gorgeous, and even though Jane seemed to be miserable, Marissa knew she couldn't compete.
As clueless as she might pretend to be, Jane could read heartbreak a mile away, and her stomach sunk. She got up to follow Marissa, searching for some kind of handle on the moment, "No, no, you don't have to...look...I just need to sort some things out." She put a hand on the brunette's shoulder, "I'm sorry, it just isn't fair to you for me to..." Jane's voice faded out, and she hoped Marissa understood- but maybe not everything.
"You know..." Marissa quickly wiped her eyes, her smile coming more genuinely now even though she was in no mood for smiling. "You should really talk to her..." She didn't know what had gone wrong, and she didn't want to ask, didn't need to hear it. But she still didn't want to see Jane hurting. And as she quietly slipped into the hallway, she fought the urge to look back.
Jane's mouth hung open slightly as she watched Marissa turn and step out of the room. She cringed, tensing when she heard the front door close. "Shit..." What the hell was getting into her? She glanced at the bedside table, and her phone seemed to look back at her—taunting. She wanted to throw it out the window, but instead, in a sudden bout of bad judgment, she hit the wall soundly with her knuckles. Jane swore again—loudly this time. The pain focused her, and she cradled her already bruising hand, brushing away some of the sting. Hopefully it wasn't broken—everything else was. Across the room, her phone vibrated, and she felt her stomach jump slightly in anticipation. She looked at the caller ID—and let out a disappointed breath. Her mother was calling…again. But she decided she would deal with that, and everything else, in the morning.