+++BTVS Diaries: Dark-Willow Musings+++
Willow’s always been the happy-go-lucky one of us. I mean, she has that peppy red hair and her cheery-Willow-nature thing. But, man, has she had it bad lately. I mean, first, in High School, there was that Oz thing. Which, if you ask me, was bad enough. It was like “Look there’s a guy that seems relatively nice. And, hey, no sign of fangs or *shudder* praying mantis claws. Let’s try this out.” And he obviously thought, “Oh, gee, what a nice girl she is! And she’s completely normal. Like I am pretending to be.” So I guess it was only understandable that things sort of went weird when he turned out to be all wolfy and she turned out be all witchy and then he left her for that hairy girl. And she realized she wasn’t, you know, into guys like she’d recently believed… And then Tara came along and all that magic stuff sort of blew up in their faces. Then there was the Dawn-turning-out-to-be-some-magical-key-thing and the Buffy dying and the bringing-Buffy-back-from-the-dead and the whole Buffy-wasn’t-in-Hell-like-we-all-thought-but-in-Heaven-where-she-wanted-to-be. And there were all the Tara-Willow break-ups.
But, Willow being that crazy positive nut that she is, didn’t go crazy. She did sort of break Dawn’s arm in a car accident resolving from a high on too much magic, but she still remained, you know, Willow-ish. Which is a lot considering what there was there to make normal people lose it.
So either none of that was catastrophic enough, or this last thing sort of pushed her over the edge. I mean, it was Tara. We all cared for Tara. And of course we all cared for Willow. And seeing her happy was really great. She loved Tara. We all did. So Willow losing it sort of made sense to her. I mean, it sort of makes sense to all of us if we really think about it. She loved her and she was gone and she couldn’t get her back. So she went crazy. She went off the deep end and it was really scary. Seeing that nerd Warren skinless was really disturbing. Willow was really disturbing. It was horrible seeing her like that. Buffy and I were so distracted with Buffy’s nonfatal injury and we didn’t know at first that Tara had even died. It all happened so fast.
I love Willow. I love Willow so much. So when she went up there, on that hill, of course I went up there too. If I was going to die I wanted to die with her. With my best friend since kindergarten. With Willow Rosenburg.
She really loved Tara, like I loved Xander. Maybe even more. I don’t know. I’m not Willow so I can’t think for her. If Xander died, and he hadn’t, you know, left me at the alter, I would go crazy too. I think I’d go crazy even though he left me at the alter. I really miss Xander. But Willow went angry-crazy. All that power and energy and anger and vengeance she radiated was really scary. It scared all of us. Especially Xander, I think, because they are best friends. I don’t know what it feels like to have a best friend, but I think it’s much like having a lover. I think Xander loves Willow. I think he loves her. I mean, how else could he have gone up there and talked her out of destroying the world? Destroying the world is a very big deal. It is not easy to talk witches, or demons or any sort of being out of destroying. But Xander did.
What was it that Giles had said? “It was he who got to her in time. He saved us all.” He did sort of save us all.
I really like Giles. I am truly glad he didn’t die. I hate it when people die. Like Buffy’s mom. She was the first one that died. I didn’t understand it, why she couldn’t get up and go on. It seemed so stupid. And then Buffy died and everyone was crying and acting all horrible and tragic. And now Tara. All of this because of Tara- that woman that Willow loved.
I hate human emotion, I think. But, then again. I don’t know. It seems so useless sometimes, but then everyone seems so full of it. And it makes everything so much richer and it burdens people so much but they keep on doing it. They keep on living, and dying and crying for each other. It’s so pointless but they still do it. Like Tara. She died because of that one guy shot her. He didn’t even shoot her because he was aiming at Buffy, but because of some insane resolution of events she died instead. It’s not even fair. Humans are so unfair. Why do they die? Why do they hurt each other so much? Why do they say they love each other but then leave them standing in the church in a white dress holding flowers and looking so ready to be married?
I hate mortals! Why do they fall in love and get killed? And why do all the good ones die?
Everything is all wrong around here. Tara shouldn’t be dead. Willow and Tara were so wonderful together. The way they looked at each other made it seem like everything was normal and they weren’t witches and Buffy wasn’t the slayer and Anya wasn’t a demon and Giles hadn’t left and there weren’t thousands of vampires and nasty ghoulie things lurking in the shadows. When Tara and Willow were together it just seemed like everything was so perfect. Buffy even seemed to perk up around them.
Xander even smiled, I think, when he saw them. I feel sorry for Xander. And for Anya. They loved each other too. Anya really wanted to get married. I guess Xander… I don’t know. It’s really sad how she just stood there and waited.
Anyways, Willow never deserved this. She’d worked so hard to get clean again. And I know she never meant to get us into that car accident or to go all crazy with the magic sometimes. She was so great to all of us and she was like my big sister. So was Tara. They were like my big sisters that were in love. It was really sweet.
When I found Tara… I mean, when I walked inside and then up into Willow and Tara’s room. Um. I guess I face the fact everyday that Buffy might die… Again. But she’s the slayer. Tara isn’t even really involved in this. Not really. It’s not fair! I hate it!
When Willow was up there trying to end the world and Buffy and I were down in the hole in the cemetery and Willow made all those root people attack us, I know it wasn’t because she meant to. It was just that all she could think about was Tara. I was scared we would die because I really thought Buffy didn’t care anymore. I thought the end of the world was just another thing to her. And Spike was gone. He’s still gone. And that whole thing about Buffy and Spike together… I can’t believe he’d do that to her. I think he loves her though. I think that’s why he left.
There’s so much love-tragedy stuff around here. Buffy and Spike and Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara. Everything is so horrible. I feel so bad for Willow. I really miss Tara.
Tara’s dead. Spike’s gone. Anya’s a vengeance demon again. Dawn thought I didn’t care whether we lived or died. Giles almost died. Willow almost destroyed the world. I guess things could be worse.